Brutally Honest....

I'm just going to be honest here.  Blogging these past few weeks has been hard.  Besides the few "good" days I've had, the majority have flown by in a haze of 'what's going on?' 

I keep battling in my mind whether or not to post all of the posts I've written from before, during and after my pregnancy a few weeks ago.  I just need to know that if I post that much vulnerability, there has to be a purpose in it.

I saw a friend of mine last night and she asked how my week was.  To be honest, I can't remember much of what happened last week.  I can't remember much of what has happened in the past 3 weeks.  It takes a lot of brain power to go back there for me, and when I do - ugh - it just stirs emotions in me that I'm not sure I'm ready to feel. 

I've cried.  Not as much as I would have liked, but I've cried.  Maybe allowing myself to cry more would have helped more.  But I feel guilty feeling sad, especially when I'm also filled with so much hope.  My whole being is in constant conflict and its making me so tired.

I'm trying to go back to my normal life, but find that most days I'm failing miserably.  Last night I made dinner again, did a load of dishes while it cooked, and remembered to ask my husband to switch over the laundry.  Pretty good for the weeks I've been having.  One more thing, each day.  I need to remind myself to keep my goals small. 

Defeat is looming over my head, and giving in would be, oh, so easy. 

But I am not defined by my circumstance.  My full definition is in Christ, and he sees the bigger picture. 

*In the next few days, at the encouragement of my husband, you will probably begin seeing some posts from my recent pregnancy and miscarriage. *