Remembering and moving on.....

In all that is going on around us right now, it is hard for me to blaze past tomorrow without remembering what the day is for us.  It was on May 2, 2013 (just 1 month after our sweet Doron's birth) that I was suffering my 7th miscarriage.  Losing Isaiah was difficult, he was by far the longest pregnancy I had ever carried and still lost, and because of a tumultuous pregnancy we had spent the 5 weeks we had known of his existence getting to know his little body inside of me.

Isaiah Michael 9 weeks gestation

You can read about Isaiah's pregnancy here and his memorial service here.  I remember those few days between losing him and his service on May 4 as a sort of limbo I lived in.  It was the world of grief that I knew from previous losses that I would come out of but I didn't know when or how.  I just knew that somehow Jesus had always carried us through and he would only continue to do so.

Isaiah came as a surprise, halting and interupting our adoption plans.  We had seen him as an answer to prayer as to what we should do when we didn't know where to go. And when we lost him, it gave us more time to think and prepare.  We had made the decision to wait until Isaiah's due date before pursuing adoption any further.  I never wanted to replace a child I'd lost with a new child.  I wanted to be for sure that I had 100% grieved Isaiah's loss before we moved forward with bringing another child into our home.  

For months I would rock Zemirah to sleep and wonder when I would get to hold Isaiah and rock him to sleep.  I mourned him, long and hard.  His due date came and went and still I would have to remind myself that Isaiah was never coming to my arms this side of heaven.  It is strange the way grief can grip you.  It holds on to your heart and while slipping into the shadows it will alert that it is still there at the most inoportune times.  I would sit and wonder about the child we would adopt someday and in my mind say "When I can rock Isaiah..."  

As time passed eventually I stopped thinking about rocking Isaiah.  I stopped wondering what he would have looked like or smelled like.  I stopped picturing him in my arms.  By this time we were ready to move on with our adoption from China, and finally we are ready. 

It was a few months ago when I realized that when I rock Zemirah to sleep, or just sit in my rocking chair while she falls asleep by herself, I wonder what life will be like when Doron is in my arms.  I remember Isaiah but he is not who I yearn for anymore.  My heart has healed and I am ready and willing, excited, to bring home a different little boy, one who has his own dreams and passions, one uniquely created to be himself.  No strings attached.  No previous agenda.  Doron for who Doron is.  

Someday all my children will play together in heaven, our 8 babies who have gone before us and the 3 we have here on earth.  I can't imagine what it will be like, but it will be a beautiful day.  

Remembering all that you have done....

We're at the start of the hustle and bustle season, the one that reminds you that there is no such thing as a quick trip to Walmart, or getting everything on your to-do list accomplished.  It's cold outside and blustery and I could stand in a hot shower until the hot water runs out and my back itches, but its so worth it just to feel WARM.

It's that season, the one without a free second to think about anything other than what you have to do today, tomorrow, and before then next Christmas party.  The one that makes me consider giving up homeschooling because I'm not sure how to do school when there is so much Christmas to do.

I do love this season, though.  It's full of crafts, dancing, singing, joy, and so much sugar.  All in celebration of something truly wonderful, the birth of Christ.

Today, though, as I stood in that shower much longer than I should have, I was remembering dear friends.  The ones that have moved away, or life has gotten between us.  Our friendship still runs deep but its been so long since we really talked or spent time together,  Many live too far away for this to happen, and a few, we just can't find time in our schedules.  But each of these dear friends have impacted my heart so deeply in so many ways.

I have the good friends who came up to visit impromptu, the day they heard I was miscarrying, the friends that went swimming with us while we waited for an impending miscarriage, the cousin that sent me cards for months after my first loss, just to let me know she was thinking of me.  There was the impromptu box of sunshine that appeared at my door two weeks after we lost Isaiah, and the blue and yellow flowers that showed up on his due date.  There are the friends that were with us when we started to miscarry our second baby, the ones that held us as we cried and prayed over us as we headed for home.

It is strange to me that these would be the things that come into my head while I'm in the midst of the Christmas season and in the midst of all our adoption preparations. But I guess I am reminded that people are what really matter.  Whatever impact you make for a family who has lost a child, you are making a lasting impact.  Whether your relationship with them is close or not, they will never forget your kind gesture.  A card, flowers, a meal.  They go the distance in healing a hurting heart.

If you know a family who is experiencing, or has experienced the loss of a baby, in pregnancy or soon after, do something to show that you care.  It doesn't have to be showy or expensive, even a simple card to show you're thinking of them can bring some level of comfort.

As always, follow these guidelines for things NOT to say and TO say when someone has lost a baby.

Step-by-step...

I knew I would blog this week, there is so much to say, but I haven't known how to say it.

Really, there hasn't been a whole lot to report.  I made a surprise trip to Arkansas two weekends ago to surprise my mom for her birthday!  (and if I was really great at taking pictures I'd have some for you, but wrangling two kids by myself for a 12 hr drive was enough).

On our way to Arkansas we got the news that our application had been accepted by the agency and we were ready to move on with the next step!  That step was signing a lot of paperwork...

Officially, the paperwork has been signed and mailed, and according to the United States Postal Service should arrive at our agency's head office on Thursday.  Woohoo!

I really feel God's hand in all of this.  Down to every last tiny, seemingly unimportant detail like our paperwork arriving on Thursday, November 21.

A little over 6 months ago we miscarried a little boy, Isaiah.  Many of you have seen our posts and have shown us so much support.  Amazingly, our hearts have healed so well from this loss, which I know is nothing short of God's divine goodness.  We were blessed to have a memorial service for him, and because of this, his loss helped bring closure to us from 7 years of miscarriages.

We had begun looking into adoption in January of this year, long before we knew we were expecting.  With our pregnancy we put adoption off to the side for awhile.  When we lost Isaiah, and were ready to pursue adoption again, I knew I would not be fully ready until we had passed and mourned his due date.  This Wednesday, November 20, is Isaiah's due date.

He sees us, he hears us.  He knows exactly who we are, and where we are in our journey.  God does not take a single thing for granted.  

Sunday, one of our pastor's reminded us that "Our God takes impossibilities and makes them possibilities."  That is so true.  From step one he has taken what seems impossible to us and opened a door and made it a possibility.  He has closed doors that we may have wanted to step through, knowing it wasn't the right plan for us.  We are completely trusting Him as we take one more step toward our possibility.

Today we also remember our 2nd miscarriage.  Our little baby, Tiny, was miscarried on November 18, 2006.  Sometimes I wonder when I will stop remembering these anniversaries, but my heart feels that as long as we live, we won't.  These little ones, a part of our lives for an incredibly too short amount of time, are a part of us.  We lost Tiny while at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference, we were a little over 6 weeks along.

So, this week is strangely bittersweet.  We mourn a lot of loss but look forward with tempered anticipation for all that is to come.

Help me find it

Wasting time on facebook tonight, a friend had posted this song.

It is by Sidewalk Prophets, and not one I had heard before, but it fits exactly how we feel right now.

I can't remember who I have told what to, so if I'm repeating myself I will edit it later.  Our final test results for the last blood test we needed done to check for an immun...  uh, there are words I don't know or understand about to be said - immuno - something...  Essentially, here's the down-low:

In January of 2007 we had a giant gammot of blood tests done to determine potential causes for our recurrent miscarriages.  They checked for things like Lupus, MTHFR, and some other things...  Something to the effect of, if your immune system attacks the baby it causes tiny blood clots in the placenta and the baby cannot get the oxygen and nutrients it needs and dies, and then you miscarry.  Well, back in 2007 they didn't know as much as they know now, so there is another test in that protocol that I hadn't had done.  The Beta 2 Glycoproteins test.  I had another test done (and I can't remember what it was called either) - because in 2007 my results tested "intermediate" which really doesn't mean anything, and would not be a cause of miscarriage but they retested it anyway.

Because the things they tested this time had a treatment, if I tested positive for either of them my miscarriage risk would drop to 15 -20 % (normal for most women) if I were to get pregnant and follow the treatment protocol.

However, I tested in the normal range for both of these.  Which is good, I'm glad I don't have anything wrong with me, but it still leaves us looking for answers.  It also leaves us with a miscarriage risk of 30-50% because of our history.

So, now we are at a crossroads with big decisions to make.  And to be honest, for the first time in months my husband and I are on the same page.

We both agree, we're on the "wait and see" page.  We don't know what to do.  So for now, we wait for what God might show us.  Praying for big answers in the next few months - the kind with giant flashing signs that say "THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!"

This song says exactly what I'm thinking and feeling tonight.  Thank you so much for all of your prayers on this journey, we really do appreciate all of them!

A quick update!

It has to be a quick update because I'm pretty sure if I blink my life will fly past me!

Homeschooling:

My daughter doing a numbers puzzle.

We have been so busy this week with our first week of homeschooling and to top it off I got a cold.  So, in between trying to modify lesson plans or prepare for the next day, I was trying to catch sleep where I could and continue to keep up with our regular activities.  To say this week has been crazy would be an understatement.

But, my 5 year old is really enjoying Kindergarten at home and my 1 year old hates it.  But we'll figure things out with her, it might mean postponing school until her afternoon nap time.  Which is what I'm going to try and do today since yesterday was so awful.

On the reproductive front:  
After a little bit of office mix-up at my midwife's office (really who can blame them they have a ton of patients) and maybe a misunderstanding on my part, after 3 weeks I finally got my blood tests ordered and drawn on Tuesday afternoon.  I haven't heard back yet what the results were.  I called yesterday but something tells me I probably won't know until Monday and even then I'll need to schedule an appointment with my midwife to discuss our options from here.

So that is where we sit right now.  We are still waiting for answers, and I feel like I'm right on the precipice of major decision making.  The outcome of these tests will make a lot of decisions for us right off the top, which is encouraging, but I know that they will also spark more discussion, more planning, and maybe even a little more confusion as we now have to take the next step.

In the meantime I am going to enjoy the weekend coming up.  We finally have very little on our agenda and I'm looking forward to enjoying family time and hopefully cleaning the house.  (Betya never thought you'd hear me say that, eh?)

Happy Friday!

What the future holds....

There has been so much rolling around in my brain these last few weeks about the future and what it holds for our family.

I have ideas spinning like you would not believe and I am sure it is only a matter of time before they are available for all the world to see!

On the miscarriage front -

We have an appointment this Friday to meet with the Genetic Counselor, a MFM, and a MFM/Geneticist.  I am excited and nervous about this appointment.  I'm sure there will be more genetic tests for us to undergo and hopefully there will be answers.  However, I am trying not to get my hopes up as from what I've read 60% of miscarriages remain unexplained even after genetic testing.

My heart is still healing from Isaiah's loss.  Moving on is much harder this time and I've had to be careful to guard my heart against things that might cause me more grief.  It is frustrating to feel limited, but I have been instead pouring myself into some ideas I have and looking forward to the vast realm of possibilities that God could have laid out for us.

There is so much inside of me I just might burst!  And every day brings us one step closer.

I wish I was in my second trimester.

I'm happily away visiting my parents house for the next few weeks.  Us girls have left hubby alone to fend for himself as we vacation in a little slice of paradise... 

I can't help but remember how I had envisioned this trip a few months ago.  Expecting to be nearly 20 weeks pregnant by now, clearly showing and feeling all those kicks and rolls of our 3rd baby. 

Instead, I open my facebook news feed all to often and see posts from pregnant friends that have passed me on my journey.  The ones that stayed pregnant.  I wouldn't wish for anything different for them, but a little piece of my heart aches a tiny bit every time and I sigh and think:

 'I wish I was in my second trimester.' 

I'm stuck in a strange world.  The world at peace, and the world so sad.  The world that forgets that Isaiah will not join our family and the world that is so thankful I was able to spend so much time with him and have a beautiful memorial service for him. 

To think that I was supposed to be so pregnant this time of year, and now it is sometimes hard for me to remember I even was pregnant just a few months ago. It baffles me. 

People ask me how I am, and truly, genuinely, I am good.  Really good, God is so faithful, so constant, so true.  He has never let me down or abandoned me.  I feel his strength when I don't want to go on and his peace when I think the road ahead is too overwhelming.  But in the midst of all of that, I just miss Isaiah. 

That's all there is to it.  I miss him.  The little boy I never had a chance to meet.  The one we didn't plan but were so excited to have.  The one who could have been a playmate for his older cousins and whose big sisters would have dressed him up in fairy costumes and hair bows while he ran around with a sword in his hand and built lego houses. 

I miss him, a lot.  Every day, I miss him. 

So if you ask me how I am, and you can see that I'm truly good, its because I am.

But I still miss my son. 

And round and round we go

**I wrote this post yesterday, and I will add that I am feeling much better today.  Not so down and worn out by the hormones.  I definitely have a much better perspective today - but these were yesterday's thoughts, and sometimes I do really feel them.**

It's cycle day 2 here and I forgot what this was like.  My last actual period was in January, all other since bleeding has been a subchorionic hemorrhage or my miscarriage.

Believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to this cycle.  For the first time since purchasing it, I get to use my Diva Cup.  Not sure what a Diva Cup is?  Click the link - and then cringe... or if you don't want to know, just stay in the dark.

I was not prepared, however, for the HORMONES.  Oh.my.goodness.  The last week has been a sugar eating disaster, as I try to lead my family towards healthy eating, and then sneak 15 mini snickers after everyone has gone to bed.   Or eat 3 smores at the cookout, or down just 1 more cherry coke.  Yes, my running has taken a significant hit from all the sugar.

This also happens to be the week that our 1 year old has transitioned out of our bed.  The transition has gone so smoothly, so I can't complain - however, she still wakes up to nurse twice a night.  Only now, instead of whipping up my shirt for easy and convenient feeding... I must trudge all the way upstairs.  And I do mean, trudge.

However, she is sleeping better and longer - and my husbands alarm clock no longer wakes her up at 6 am every morning.  Couldn't be happier about that.

Today, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Which is sad really, we slept on new clean sheets last night and they were so soft, I should have woken up happier.

But the cramps, the fatigue, the irritability, everything that accompany's this monthly event is just wearing me down.

On top of everything else, having my period - is just a reminder of everything that was and should be and now isn't.  At least, isn't here.  Isaiah is, he very much so, is.  He just is somewhere else - with Jesus.  With 6 other beautiful babies I have not yet met.  And I'm down because of that.

Down because I wish I was pregnant, down because I wish I was sleeping in my bed on this rainy day, or cuddled up on the couch watching a movie, or not wondering how in the world I'm going to clean my house before this weekend.

Probably mostly down, because when you're on your period - silver linings are very hard to see.  I'm too tired to think clearly and see the other side; that next week I'll feel better.  I won't be tired, the sun will be shining and it will *hopefully* be warm, and my memories and heartaches will find their place in my heart, to be moments of reflection and not hours of sadness.

Don't think I'm not happy.  I love snuggling with my girls on these days, after reading a sad story I draw them close to me, take deep breaths of their sweet scents and sometimes stinky breath and I know very deeply that I treasure them.  That I don't take my girls for granted.  That when Isaiah is not here, and when things seem so frustrating and bleak.  When I look around and have no one close that really understands it all, I know that I have my sweet girls and one day, not too far awa,y if I think in a heavenly perspective, one day - I will draw in the sweet scent of not just 2 babies, but 9.

9.  That number makes my heartache.  I've been pregnant 9 times.

If I ever get pregnant again the question I will be asked at every appointment will be "Which pregnancy is this?"  10. "And how many live children?" 2.

Yes. That will be me.

Acronyms and MFM

In the years since I joined the vast blogging world, mostly reading, sometimes typing - my repertoire of acronyms has greatly increased.

I now know LOTS of acronyms for words people just don't want to type over and over again.  It's like being on Facebook when someone rights SMH and you think "what?!"

It's "Shakes My Head" - I know because I googled it.

In the TTC (trying to conceive) world, you'll see acronyms you never knew existed from CM - cervical mucous to RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist.  Everyone who's TTC sees an RE - or so it seems.

But when I mentioned the idea of seeing an RE to my MW (midwife) she instead suggested I see someone in Maternal Fetal Medicine - and what did I find out - there's and acronym for that too!  MFM

She thinks I should see an MFM because my issue isn't TTC as much as it is RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss)

So - I am on the hunt for an MFM, one that is awesome, and my insurance covers.  Good luck to me - because according to the provider network search on their website - this does not exist.

So, tomorrow I call the insurance just to verify that they do not cover MFM's and that I do, indeed, need my midwife's office to fill out an Out Of Network Provider Referral form.  And then call my MW office to request they fill out those forms for me...

I hate being a pain in the tush.

Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day and in many ways I feel Isaiah's loss more poignantly today then most other days.

Although, I've noticed that as the shock of this loss has worn off, my heart is aching more deeply.

I have so many emotions and am doing such a poor job expressing them.  Maybe tomorrow I'll be more able.

For all the women out there with aching empty arms this Mother's Day, my heart is aching for you too.  Praying you feel God's grace and presence wrapped more tightly around you today.

The last 6 days....

I can't believe that tomorrow marks 1 week since we lost our sweet Isaiah.  Time has moved slowly and at warp speed at the same time.

1 week ago I got the muffle fixed but it feels like months ago.

1 week ago I bought maternity clothes and a blue whale sweater in anticipation that Tic Tac would be a boy. It feels like just yesterday.

Today was similar to last Wednesday, marked with perfect blue skies and warm sunshine.  Only today I could walk to pick Am up from school, and today my neighbor took my girls to the park with her kids so I could have some time to myself.  Last week we all laughed and played together on a blanket under the big maple tree while our 5 year olds put on a play about kitties again.  We talked about Rat's miscarriage (their cat) and I made a gesture and said "I feel ya sista" as a joke.  Oh how true the next day would make that statement.

Thursday was, well, overwhelming.  In every sense of the word.  I haven't yet decided if I'll post the details of that awful morning, from the early morning cramps to the very end just a few hours later.

We were so blessed to spend 2 1/2 days with our sweet Isaiah, memorizing him, holding him, counting his fingers and toes - loving him just like we would any other baby.  Our time with him was just too short.

A few have asked just how we knew Isaiah was a boy, it was quite obvious when he was born.  Although it wouldn't have been visible by ultrasound, there is no doubt about it.

My parents made a quick trip up - I say quick because they left within 1 hr of my mom getting home from work, but the 11 hour trip was certainly not quick for them.  But they came - and they mourned with us.

We had a beautiful service on Saturday attended by just us and our parents.  It was exactly what we all needed and brought healing full circle.  We called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and were blessed by two wonderful volunteer photographers who came out and took pictures of our memorial service.  They were truly a gift to us as we were able to experience Isaiah's service without thought as to whether or not we would have pictures to remember it by.

My parents had to head back home on Sunday, really - they spent almost more time traveling to get here than they spent here, but I can not thank them enough for making the trip.

These last few days with Aaron back at work have flown.  I don't really know where they've gone.  I know that there are going to be many emotional battles in the days, weeks, and months ahead.

I will begin teaching again this summer, and was hoping to be able to spend an afternoon a week at the pregnancy center.  November will probably be the most difficult, with the elation of Z's birth still pulsing through my veins, my heart will ache on Isaiah's due date more than the others.

I miss him so much already, as I have him pictured as a little boy laughing, running, playing.  I can see him jumping off of furniture with a cape and scaring me with snakes and spiders.

Life is full of crazy ups and downs, twists and turns.  Heartache and joy mingled into one.

Isaiah Michael

I'm sure in the next few days, weeks, and months - as my emotions unravel you will hear much more from me on all of this.  Probably every thought, whim, or idea that could possibly seek to provide answers but of course, answers that will really never come this side of eternity.

So, with a heavy heart -

This morning, at 7:50am, on May 2, 2013, I miscarried our son, Isaiah Michael, at 11 weeks 1 day gestation.    A beautiful little boy, perfectly formed in every way, will be spending the rest of his days with Jesus and several of his siblings.  However, Mommy, Daddy, and big sisters have heavy hearts as we miss our little boy.

Thank you so much for your support, and your prayers over the past few weeks and even as we go through the next few days.

Much love,
Brie

TMI post - you've been warned.

I'm about to divulge more information than the average person would like to know - so if you're not interested in hearing about my "flow" or "discharge" please, divert your eyes.

At about 10 1/2 weeks pregnant, and beginning to see my own small version of a pop I am starting to get excited and relieved about little one joining our family in November.  Yesterday was awesome.  Seriously, My husband has been incredibly supportive the last few weeks, encouraging me to take it easy and picking up all the slack around the house.

I had virtually no spotting or cramping yesterday, it was awesome.  However, by the time I went to bed at 10 pm I was bleeding again.  And this continued most of the night, as I saw every time I was up to use the restroom.

I had horrible dreams all night about miscarriage, c-section, a hysterectomy.  Oy, my brain was really running wild with it.  And today, my family has ventured to Peoria to visit a family member.  I have decided to stay home and really take some R&R and hopefully coax my uterus into being finished bleeding.  1 1/2 weeks until 2nd trimester.  I've been hearing a lot that bleeding is common and if baby is fine, often a sign of no problem whatsoever.  I'm banking on that, but not taking any chances at the moment.

In between the lines

I'm in a very strange place right now.  I live in a constant inner struggle between excitement and panic.  Logic over rules emotion at some moments and at others emotion wins over logic.  I can't wait for the day when logic and emotion are in sync with each other - barring that the emotion and logic are good and not disastrous.  I start to feel joy and happiness and then another memory or story triggers the fear that can cripple a person and tie them to the couch for weeks at a time.

My only solace is know that at the end of this I will have survived, however, knowing how I've survived is still questionable.  Will it be tears of joy, elated at the miracle unfolding before me - or tears of anguish that my heart has been shattered yet again and another precious angel joins his siblings in heaven?

There is truly no way of knowing at this point how this will turn out, and I never ever thought that this far into a pregnancy I would still have so much confusion.  Nearly 10 weeks along, but still bleeding, still cramping.  However, the ultrasound shows a healthy baby, growing perfectly happily bouncing around in there.  And now I know, it really is me.  All these years, and all these miscarriages I've wondered if maybe it was something genetic.  That maybe my two little girls are truly miracles of genetics lining up perfectly because there was something faulty with the connection.  But no, we have a perfect baby growing in there, nothing wrong with the connection.  The bleeding is me, but there is really no explanation, no reason, and possibly no problem.  There is just no way of knowing right now.

I laid down and took a nap with my sweet Z this morning.  She is 11 months old and cutting some teeth, which has induced a snoodly nose.  I listened to her heavy breathing, traced her perfect face and for awhile stared into her beautiful blue eyes.  If you've met my girls you can see that even though they're 4 1/2 years apart they look nearly identical.  And from our ultrasound we can already see that little Tic Tac carries the same profile and face shape of his/her big sisters.

So you see, if I lose this one it will be different from all the others.

It won't be just bleeding; I will see the baby.

I will hold our baby.

I will kiss our baby.

And oh my heart, I don't know if I can take that.

For now, we continue to wait and oh, how I pray this story has a happy ending.  How every moment of every day my hand is over my womb, praying for a safe environment.  How just a few weeks ago I had normal perfect pregnancy discharge and now I'm thankful for the moments when it is just light spotting.  The bleeding comes in the evening and early morning.  The cramping hangs around on and off all day.  Yesterday's bleeding was lighter than the day before, I hope today's follows the same pattern.  And oh, how I pray that two and three weeks from now I'm joyfully updating my facebook cover photo with a cute announcement that baby #3 is on the way!

 It's so hard not to be envious of those who post those pregnancy announcements early on, knowing their world has never been tainted with the difficult feeling of loss.  

** Please if you do read this, I have not made this pregnancy public.  Please do not share this information with anyone or mention it on facebook or in person at church etc.  Thank you very much!!