It's the week before Mother's Day and I have been thinking -

I haven't logged into Blogger in so long I was worried I might have to reenter my password... and then the hassle of trying to remember my password. 

I almost didn't put forth the effort. 

But here I am - so far past my last blog.  

It is the first week of May already and we are on our spring break before we head into our final 9 weeks of school.  Ending the last week of July, just in time to take a 4 week break and start again in September.  Woohoo!

Homeschoolers love making their own crazy schedule to fit their own crazy needs!
  
It has been an emotionally strange week for me.  And by that I mean that I have cried this week.  To a friend, not my husband and that was weird.  Not because crying is weird, I'm just not one of the people in this world who can make the tears come out.  I feel them inside, but rarely do they work their way out of my eyeballs.

Whoa - that was off.

This whole post is off.  Who knows if I'll even post it! 

Monday was the 3 year anniversary of our loss of Isaiah.  Monday Aaron left for France for 4 days (work trip, mostly travel time.), Wednesday I finished reading Ghost Belly, which is a memoir written by a mom regarding her stillbirth.  And Mother's Day is Sunday.  

All of this just wraps its way around my heart. 

Isaiah's loss, Aaron gone, emotionally exhausting book, Doron's birth mom.  My heart is feeling pulled at.  

I don't know.  That's it I guess.  It all is just surrounding me and I'm trying to process while I live and breathe and mother and purge and manage this.  all of this.  

I started a 2000 Things Clutter Free Challenge, and I'm decluttering spaces - 15 minutes at a time, 15 minutes a day...

That's really about all I can handle.  But I look up at the top shelf of my closet where 5 baby boxes sit.  5 boxes of memories representing 8 babies who never took a breath on Earth but live full and beautiful lives in heaven - I don't know what to do with them.  And I know that right now, I'm leaving that space to be purged later.  I'm not sure what to do with them.

A paragraph near the end of Ghost Belly rings through my mind - 

"It's supposed to be comforting to know that overwhelming grief will not last forever, that it will fade and you'll feel normal again, that sadness will become something that remains within measure rather than covering the universe.
It's certainly practical that this happens.  It makes it more tolerable to correct page proofs for a book that has been in production far too long.  It's even good that this happens: It makes it possible to laugh at baby giggles.
But it's no comfort.  Even when I was in my deepest despair about Thor's death, I feared the day that despair would lessen, because I knew it would feel like a betrayal: a betrayal of a child already grievously betrayed."

- I feel that, towards each baby box.  Even though I know they were there for me.  For Aaron and I to process our grief better and to remember the journey of each child of ours.   But here now, almost 10 years after our first loss - Seriously, 10 YEARS?!  I can remember that day like it was yesterday.  

10 years after our first loss... almost 3 years after our last...  I'm healed, healing?  healed enough?  I don't think of our little ones every day, not even every week.  I remember their lives.  I can mention 8 miscarriages without feeling the angst in my soul.  And even then, I have forgotten the most wrenching parts of the pain surrounding it.  

I sat yesterday morning reading in my devotions from 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4  "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. "

I was reminded in this.  I don't speak as much about the years we walked through our miscarriage journey, I have felt out of place in this world having now moved to the other side of that journey and have followed God's leading into a new and different (albeit still hard) journey of motherhood.

There was a time when remembering the pain, plunged me into feeling the pain so deeply all over again - and now that that has past, remembering the pain just reminds me of God's faithfulness here on this side of our journey.  But as I read those verses in 2 Corinthians I was reminded, yet again, that I was comforted in all of my troubles and because of that I can be a comfort for those who are facing the same sorts of troubles.  I took so much strength from God as I walked that hard hard road of loss.  And it propelled me to lean into him for strength during the hard hard road of life.  The hard road of adoption and unknowns, the hard road of surgeries, the hard road of respiratory illnesses, the hard road of separation disorders, the hard road of night terrors, the hard road of an incorrect ADHD diagnosis, the hard road of making hard decisions, hard phone calls, and asking the hard questions - the hard road of all of the unpredictables that are bound to come our way.

While the journey I am currently walking is important and valuable and holds great significance - the journey we have already endured has not lost its importance, its value or its significance.  While speaking about miscarriage is no longer a daily part of my life, the role it has played in my past can still make an important impact on someone else's life.

And then there is Mother's Day - and tackling this day as an adoptive mom for the very first time.  I am currently processing that - remembering and honoring Doron's birth mom on this day.  I remember her nearly every day because our boy is so incredible.  I look at him in awe and wonder and I love him, his past, his present, his future.  All he is, all he will be, and where he came from.  This woman, who loved our son, but couldn't mother him - I am processing her this week as well.  I suspect she will be in my heart for the rest of my life.

God bless,
Brie

6 months with Doron

Tomorrow (or today if you're reading this on the 18th) we mark 6 months with our sweet little boy.  A journey I could never have imagined to be as wild, as wonderful, and as marked with God's glory as it has been.

A little boy who came into our lives with joy and laughter and beauty.

Those are from our Family Day on May, 18, 2015.    Funny, then I thought he was just calm cool and collected.  Now I can see his concerned little face, confused by the surroundings but happy to have candy.  The kid will do anything for candy.

Just a few pics from our first summer together.  Man, I can't wait to see what the rest of our lives have in store for this family!

5 Ways You Can Support An Adoptive/Foster Family

When a family you know adopts a child it can seem like there are a lot of new "rules" on how to interact with them.  You know that they are bringing home a new child and you know they need their space - but you want to help them out.  You might wonder how, or what, you can do for them while still allowing them to bond as a family.

The same goes for foster parents!  Foster families are often times going through similar struggles or even more difficult struggles than adoptive families.  They need help and support from their community as well!

Here are 5 ways you can support a foster or adoptive family.

1. Send them a "family night" box.

             This could include a movie or game, gift certificates for pizza (enough to feed their whole         family), popcorn, and cookies.

2. Call them up and tell them you will be bringing them a meal on ______night.

            If someone says "Let me know when I can bring you a meal."  My response is going to be "Thanks!" but I'm pretty sure I won't ever call and ask for that meal.  Pride can be a hard thing to get over.  On the other hand, offering a meal that night at 5pm might mean they've already prepared something else...  If you prepare in advance for them or bring them over a freezer meal for later, that goes a long way for making a huge difference for some tired parents.  

3.  Better yet...set up a meal train for families who have just brought home an adoptive child or are bringing a new foster child into their family!  Much like bringing home a new baby (and sometimes dare I say...more difficult?) bringing a new child into your family can be hard on everyone making dinners difficult for several weeks!  Help a family out by offering to be the coordinator of a meal train and make sure they are set for a long time!

4.  Offer to mow their lawn  or shovel their snow!  If yardwork isn't your thing offer to wash and fold their laundry or do their dishes!  This idea came when I asked the question in a Facebook group I am in for adoptive families.  When bringing home a new child it can be so overwhelming and difficult.  Relieving an added stress (like yardwork or housework) that takes away from much needed family time would be so welcome to a family.  Much like a meal train offering to mow their lawn for a month or two or setting up a laundry service for them for a month or two (or six) would make a huge difference and be very appreciated!

5.  Have lots and lots of grace for a newly adoptive family.  If they suddenly don't make it to an event where they were expected, most likely they just couldn't come - for their new child and their new family.  If they don't want you to hold their child for a long time, respect that.  The bonding process is a long one and a two year old born raised in a different environment is not like one raised in your home since birth.  Everything is new and unknown, and in that their family is new and unknown.  With the instability they have already faced they may wonder just who is the next family they are going to.  The newly adoptive family's avoidance of big public events isn't because of you it is for their child.  If they don't discipline the way you think they should, understand this new territory. We don't understand our child's history and discipline just simply can't be the same way it would be with a biological child.  Lots of grace and lots of patience go a long way to help a family.

Also - check out this great article by No Hands But Ours Three Ways The Church Can Support Adoptive Families

Be Blessed,
Brie

National Adoption Month!

I am so excited that November is here!  Thanksgiving, Christmas, Family, Food... and it is National Adoption Month!

Last year we spent this month anxiously awaiting our trip to China!  We knew Doron would be ours but there were so many unknowns surrounding when and how.  Here we are, home almost 6 months and Doron is doing great.  We have some bumpy days, to put it mildy but right now as I type this Aaron and Doron and laughing and giggling.  If you have heard our son's giggle, you know, it is contagious and adorable.

To start off National Adoption Month I want to encourage you to seek out organizations that promote and aid adoptions and also ways that you can make a difference in the foster and adoption community.

I am going to do my best (pending kids and holidays) to promote ways you can help the adoption community all month long!  This may mean sharing links to other posts, but I encourage you to please check them out.  They are all a valuable resource and can help you make a difference in a child's or a family's life.

Today I'm going to send you over to Holt International's Blog Top 5 Myths About Special Needs Adoption.

Blessings,
Brie

Mixed Medias and Non-Newtonian Fluids

This was a difficult week.  I find it incredibly frustrating that you can have 5 great days and 1 rough one and it feels like you are ready to throw in the towel and that it takes 3 more days to pull yourself out of the rut.  It is easy to forget all the good when you are knee deep in muck.

I took today as a rejuvenation day.  I didn't worry about the laundry or the dishes, or the miriad of responsibilities I sometimes fail.  Today was about enjoying the day and enjoying my kids.  We started with crafts outside working with different mediums. We made pictures from pencil, marker, beads, and construction paper.  (I don't have pictures because I was making pictures too!  When I am trying to operate a camera I spend too much time trying to capture the perfect picture and not enough time experiencing life with my children.  A picture or two that captures moments similar to these will spark a lifetime of memories.)

After crafting and playing and messes and a lunch only one child enjoyed... The littles were down for naps, the big was settled with a book.  I had about 20 minutes to get half of a project finished and D woke up.  Every once in awhile he'll take a great nap, usually I can bank on 45min-1hr followed by 30-40 minutes of hysterical crying.  I don't know what it is that wakes him up, or what it is that makes him scream for so long but I wish I did.  It is his hard time of day.  After the crying ends there is cuddling, rocking, or strollering for another 30 minutes... and then he is ready for a snack.  By then Z wakes up...  I haven't yet been able to accomplish anything during naptime.  And it has become quite clear that we won't be able to use naptime for school time anymore.  Although I am presuming the we could possibly still do most of our work in the morning and allow naptime for seatwork...

I am being completely honest when I say that I am nervous about home schooling this year.  Kind of like when we first started with Kindergarten and I had a one year old.  I just took the plunge and said if it was terrible I could send her at semester to public school.  We made it through Kindergarten, and thoroughly enjoyed First Grade.  And here we are entering Second, and another new one in the home and the question looms - 'How am I going to do this??'  But, we will jump in with both feet and give it a go.  My guess is, we'll figure this out too.

After all of our littles were awake today we played with cornstarch and water, a non-Newtonian fluid.  Aaron and I were sitting outside with two littles and a big playing with cornstarch and water, throwing it on the concrete and picking it up to see it liquify again...  It was so much fun.  Again, no pictures.  I love participating!  I love getting messy and having a good time!

I think that we'll be okay with homeschooling this year as long as I stop caring about absolutely everything else.  Anyone want to spend their days doing my laundry and dishes?

Is this what we call normal?

Yes, I think our lives are finally slipping into "normal".  I wouldn't say that normal is always easy, but it is good to be here.  Normal means that the transitional things we have noticed with Doron have either ceased or we now can expect them and work through them.

Doron has handled our transition back to church remarkably well and we are now in the process of transitioning back into youth ministry as adult leaders (our church has a youth pastor and several other adult leaders).  This is still a bit tricky as we both have our life groups to work with and Doron cannot be without one of us in the nursery.  Last week he handled life group "ok" and needed to go to the nursery during worship, so Aaron took nursery duty.  Not sure if we will switch tonight or if Aaron will go again.  After a long day at work Doron isn't much for leaving Aaron's side at night.

Aaron is still Doron's favorite but I get plenty of hugs, kisses and snuggles during the day too.  Last night Aaron had had all three kids at his mom's house while I took a webinar.  When they got home Doron yelled "Mama!" and ran up to me with his arms wide open.  It was so sweet!

As Doron has gotten more comfortable with us we are seeing more of his little personality coming out.  No longer is he quiet and timid but he has a lot to say and often we call his little language his Mandrish.  We can tell he is trying to say something in English but it sounds like it is probably partly Mandarin.  He has become a daring little boy who tests his limits with climbing ladders and chairs and trying to ride his sister's big bikes and his little (but still too big for him) bike; laughing the whole time.  He is quick to smile and a tickle will bring on a fit of giggles that makes you never want to stop tickling him.  He likes to be thrown by Daddy high up in the air and smiles a giant smile every time.

He is also a little stinker who will sometimes hit or bite his big sister, Zizi.  Sadly, its usually her who gets hit or bit.  She is still taking it well, although she did go through a phase when if he came near her she would run away screaming.  Mostly the two of them play really well together but there are also days like today when Z does NOT want to share her Mommy and Doron does NOT know what he wants so everybody cries and screams (sometimes Mommy cries too... I try not to scream, that usually makes things worse).  Naptime has finally settled itself out.  Z watches an episode of Octonauts or Clifford... or whatever her favorite show this week is and Doron snuggles up on my shoulder and quickly falls asleep.  Then Z goes down pretty easily too.  I am thankful we found a system.

Am has been so busy this summer playing with her best friend whenever possible.  It seems we hardly see her; just glimpses as they run between houses.  Doron thinks Am's best friend is also one of his sisters and he calls her Jie Jie as well.  It's pretty adorable.

This is an amazing time in  our lives - crazy busy and difficult - but really amazing.

Language, Comprehension, Interaction

Just a little over a week ago Doron had 5 English words; as of yesterday and today I've counted 15!  He is constantly repeating what we say.  Last night Zemirah came into the kitchen and whined an exasperated "oohhh, Why????"  and instantly in the exact tone and volume Doron repeated her, several times over.  Sometimes I'm not certain he's learning the best of manners but he is certainly learning.

Yesterday we were heading out the door for a family outing and I said "Now, where are your shoes?" and he promptly stood up and pointed at his shoe basket.  I replied "Ah yes, but I was wondering about your sandals." He turned around and pointed across the room to where his sandals lay.  I was shocked!  Not only is he mimicking but he is understanding!

He is also interacting!  So far this week Doron has bitten Zemirah once a day.  Not the best of practices, but we have been told that this is a great sign because it means that he is comfortable with us.  So - Yay!  Zemirah is handling it quite well, while she doesn't enjoy being bitten by her brother she is quick to forgive and accepts his hugs and kisses of apology.  I can tell that he feels bad for hurting her after he bites so that is also a good sign.

Am, Z, and Doron have been playing together really really well.  I am actually quite surprised at how well everything has been going at just 2.5 weeks home.  Aaron is working half days now so my mornings are full.  I appreciate having a seven year old so much though.  She is able to keep an eye on Doron for a few minutes at a time while I throw in a load of laundry or quick start a load of dishes.
Naptime is still a struggle.  Doron is taking 30 min - 1 hr naps, which leave him clinging and tired for the rest of the evening.  However, when he sleeps longer bed time can drag on as late as 10:30pm, which doesn't make anyone happy.  I am thankful that Aaron is still around in the afternoons to help me figure out the napping situation with 2 nappers.  I'm also thankful that Zemirah is still a good napper.

While we were in China Z went from being nearly 100% potty trained to "These pull-ups are the coolest thing ever!" and "Look Mom, I can change my own pull-up!"  I haven't yet decided how to retrain her.  Doron is about as potty trained as Z at this point so I'm considering just working with them both at once but before we go there I'd like to get more settled at home with both of them.

Our homeschool curriculum arrived today!  I was very excited to open up the box but found out I'd made a mistake in my order, so I spent about 2 hours of my afternoon trying to figure out if it was easily fixable.  I can work with the mistake I made.  It's not perfect, but it will be fine.  I believe I am going to set our school start date at August 1 (of course, I see now that that's a Saturday) so August 3.  I usually start mid-July but with all the changes in our lives this year, I want to take an extra two weeks of summer break.  I have been requiring Am to do a little bit of school during nap time, she is not a fan.  Hopefully starting up again and getting back into our routine will make things better.  I'm really looking forward to our new curriculum.  We are doing Sonlight this year and it already looks like a great fit for us.  Am has already read a few of the books in our package.

My thoughts are jumbled today.  I started drinking a second cup of coffee at 4 pm but then worried I wouldn't be able to fall asleep at 10pm.  So I have a half cup of coffee sitting in the kitchen.  I gave Doron a sip thinking he would hate coffee (just like the girls) but I was so wrong.  Now I have a very angry toddler that really wants some coffee.  If it's true that coffee stunts your growth we should keep it far far away from our tiny little dude.

Good night folks, enjoy these amazing summer days.  Hopefully no more rain for awhile and we can head back to the parks soon.  :)

Brie

Sleep, Baby, Sleep

The first two nights after Doron joined our family bedtime was a piece of cake.  In every way; it was easy, it was sweet, it was enjoyable.  About the third night though Doron didn't want me anymore.  At first when it came to bedtime he would lay his head on my chest and full out lay on top of me, with his tiny little body.

On night three, he didn't want to be anywhere near me.  Since then, Doron has preferred Daddy.  And by preferred, I mean - he cries like the worst is happening all over again unless Daddy is there to lay him down for naps or bedtime and be there when he wakes up from either.  Even this afternoon when Doron woke up from his nap, I went in to get him and pick him up.  He cried and cried and cried, huge tears, lots of snot - CRYING; knowing that Daddy is headed back to work this week and that we are going to have to figure this thing out I tried to distract him with his favorite snack.  Nothing.. the tears would not stop coming.  Only after going outside and getting Daddy, and being held by Daddy did the crying stop and he ate the snack I was still holding.

Doron loves Daddy.  No doubt about that.  And really, I have no doubt that he loves me too, but for some reason when it comes to sleeping he doesn't trust anyone like he trusts Daddy.  And that's ok, because that's what he needs right now.

Tonight was different though.  For some reason when we were putting Z down to bed, Doron got really jealous of her snuggling me.  Doron wanted Mama.  Since Daddy has only put Z to bed once since we got home from China, I picked up Doron and we cheerfully waved goodbye to everyone and headed downstairs to put Doron to bed.

He was so calm.  I've never seen him so calm at bedtime.  But I sang to him softly all my bedtime songs, twice.  And then we laid down in bed together, like we did the first night we had him.  I took off my glasses and he touched my face and he called me Nai Nai.  It's a small glimpse into his little mind, what all of this must feel like to him.

His Nai Nai is his foster mom.  At 18 months old our son was placed in a foster home for 7 months while we waited to be able to travel and get him.  During this time he bonded really well with his foster mom, I imagine she must have sang to him quite a lot.  She loved him very much.  Nai Nai has long straight hair, similar to mine and sometimes I wonder if I was too similar to her for awhile.  That he had to learn to separate her and I.  Tonight, with my glasses off and half asleep he thought I was Nai Nai and he fell asleep peacefully in my arms.

Our little baby has endured quite a lot in his short life.  It can be hard to understand all that our son has gone through because in all my life I haven't suffered the loss that he has.  I hope and pray that as he grows, we are able to help him fully process and understand his past, his present, and his future.  I pray that God gives him peace as he works out all that he endured.  I know it will be a lifelong journey for him to mourn what was and what will never be, and accept what is and all that can be.

Goodnight friends.

Adoption Journey: Our trip to China Part 1

We have been home from China for 3 days now and yesterday marked two weeks as a family of five.  There is so much I could write and say, there is so much beautiful and so much perfection and yet his little life is so fragile. 

I've always known from living in the world of infertility and pregnancy loss that suggesting an infertile "just adopt" was about the most taboo thing you could say.  And I respected it, I honored it, even if at the time I didn't quite understand it. 

This past year has been an incredible journey for us full of ups and downs, twists and turns.  There have been moments of anxiety and fear, and moments of joy and hope and purpose.  We read books and watched what felt like endless hours of videos all in preparation of the great unknown of bringing a wounded child into our family.  We prepared ourselves because we knew his heart had been hurt but to what degree we may never know.  The hurts that have filled his tiny life he might not even understand, and if he does he might not ever know how to express.

On the other side of the coin, we entered into this process with excitement and anticipation, but also with trepidation knowing that the journey God was calling us into would be wonderful but difficult.  There would be tears of joy, but many tears of sadness as we try desperately to navigate our little one through a world that to this point has caused him much pain.

Even up to our leaving for China it felt completely surreal.  I would sit and wonder if this was really happening.  As we packed bags, bought gifts, confirmed our flights, prepared and prepared and prepared - I wondered the whole time, were we really about to become parents again?

The night before we were set to leave, at 8 pm - when we were scheduled to fly out at 5:45 the following morning, my phone lit up with a text from our airline that our flight had been cancelled.  They had immediately put us on a different flight to Chicago, effectively missing our flight to Beijing by 1 hour.  We spent the next hour frantically coming up with a plan B, and at 7am the next morning we packed up our minivan and drove to Chicago to catch our flight to Beijing... because living in a small community means cancelling flights just because.

The first 10 months of our journey were easy - difficult because of lots of paperwork, but everything always fit right into place.  The last 5 months were frustrating when there was delay after delay in our travel to meet our son.  Even up to the very last night.

Our flight to China was incredibly easy.  Am had a child's meal which meant her food was infinitely better than the rest of ours and she raved about how nice the flight staff was.  And they really were, so she was right on there.  All the way to China it felt like a dream... felt like I was sitting in a car for 13 hours to go on a dream vacation.  Being in Beijing felt like visiting a big city and us and several other families kept commenting, even as we stood on the Great Wall of China that it didn't feel like we were in China.  It felt like we were on a really awesome vacation. 

I think that going to Beijing for the first 3 days of our adoption trip was one of the best decisions we could have made.  They keep you so ridiculously busy that there is no way you have a chance to stop and realize just how jetlagged you are.  You just run on adrenaline as you are shown the great history and culture of your child's birth country.  The people of China are so nice and the beauty of the country really overwhelmed me.  It saddened me to see a people and culture so beautiful, a family structure deep and strong, but yet know how unfree they are.  In the few people we talked to who spoke English that was there comment.  They liked the freedoms of America but they loved their country.  And to be honest, in a way, we fell in love with their country as well.

Throughout our time in Beijing I constantly wondered if we were really on this trip to bring home our son or if this was all just a ruse.  What if there had been a mistake and we really didn't have a child waiting for us?  What if they brought us the wrong one?  What if all of this was not the end of this journey and we went home empty handed? 

Flying to our son's city was quite possibly the best feeling ever.  Taking pictures of our first glimpse of Nanjing and knowing that within 24 hours he would be in our arms forever - that was amazing. 

The story could continue on forever, and I will finish this another day - but here we are at the climax of our story.  The next steps start our newest journey, marking our first few days with our beautiful baby.

Having been home 3 days now and feeling the effects of jetlag worse than ever, my heart is stuck in melancholy.  It is frustrating to say the least to be navigating these new challenges with exhaustion as my constant companion.  All I want is to spend every waking moment fostering attachment with my new son, but I have to be patient and wait.  I have to understand that his hesitation towards me, isn't me at all -  it is a history of hurts that I will never fully understand. 

I know now that suggesting that a childless family adopt is not appropriate because adoption is a calling, but I also now understand that adoption has always been a part of my calling.  We will press on, treasure on, live on, seek on - desperate to secure in our little one a foundation of love, truth, and hope so that his future might be bright and his heart full. 

And we're off!!

I doubt that I'll blog tomorrow, so I'm covering this base now.

We leave for China in less than 36 hours.  And guestimating that we're going to sleep in the next 2 hrs...  its like almost less than 24 hours.  Whoa.

Who ever thought this day would really come???  I was thinking the other day that we were so lucky to meet our son in September and be able to anticipate him coming so soon!  We were so lucky to recieve our LOA on December 29 and according to everything we'd been told it was at the most going to be 14 weeks from LOA.  That's 3.5 months.

We're picking up our son nearly 5 months after our LOA.  Whoa.  No wonder it feels like forever!  Normal time to travel isn't so long but Chinese New Year and another holiday in our province slowed down our processing times for major documents.  And then a change in our agencies schedules pushed us back 4 more weeks.  It has been nearly 8 months since we first saw our sweet boy's face!

8 months! That's like a whole pregnancy, and to think that we officially started this process 6 months before that!  And first began pursuing adoption 5 months before that...  for those of you that have been waiting with us - this is it.

Our bags are packed.  We have double/triple and tomorrow we will quadruple check everything.  And then we're off.  Leaving on a really big plane for a really long flight to a really big country we have never been to, to pick up and love on a little boy we have been dreaming about for months.

I want to think that I will blog, but lets face it - I probably won't.

So for tonight and the next few weeks, possibly months - bye!!

Pray for us, so many things - any and all that you can think of, pray that for us because wow - big trip, we need lots of prayers!!

Love you all and Thank you for your love and support!!!

Remembering and moving on.....

In all that is going on around us right now, it is hard for me to blaze past tomorrow without remembering what the day is for us.  It was on May 2, 2013 (just 1 month after our sweet Doron's birth) that I was suffering my 7th miscarriage.  Losing Isaiah was difficult, he was by far the longest pregnancy I had ever carried and still lost, and because of a tumultuous pregnancy we had spent the 5 weeks we had known of his existence getting to know his little body inside of me.

Isaiah Michael 9 weeks gestation

You can read about Isaiah's pregnancy here and his memorial service here.  I remember those few days between losing him and his service on May 4 as a sort of limbo I lived in.  It was the world of grief that I knew from previous losses that I would come out of but I didn't know when or how.  I just knew that somehow Jesus had always carried us through and he would only continue to do so.

Isaiah came as a surprise, halting and interupting our adoption plans.  We had seen him as an answer to prayer as to what we should do when we didn't know where to go. And when we lost him, it gave us more time to think and prepare.  We had made the decision to wait until Isaiah's due date before pursuing adoption any further.  I never wanted to replace a child I'd lost with a new child.  I wanted to be for sure that I had 100% grieved Isaiah's loss before we moved forward with bringing another child into our home.  

For months I would rock Zemirah to sleep and wonder when I would get to hold Isaiah and rock him to sleep.  I mourned him, long and hard.  His due date came and went and still I would have to remind myself that Isaiah was never coming to my arms this side of heaven.  It is strange the way grief can grip you.  It holds on to your heart and while slipping into the shadows it will alert that it is still there at the most inoportune times.  I would sit and wonder about the child we would adopt someday and in my mind say "When I can rock Isaiah..."  

As time passed eventually I stopped thinking about rocking Isaiah.  I stopped wondering what he would have looked like or smelled like.  I stopped picturing him in my arms.  By this time we were ready to move on with our adoption from China, and finally we are ready. 

It was a few months ago when I realized that when I rock Zemirah to sleep, or just sit in my rocking chair while she falls asleep by herself, I wonder what life will be like when Doron is in my arms.  I remember Isaiah but he is not who I yearn for anymore.  My heart has healed and I am ready and willing, excited, to bring home a different little boy, one who has his own dreams and passions, one uniquely created to be himself.  No strings attached.  No previous agenda.  Doron for who Doron is.  

Someday all my children will play together in heaven, our 8 babies who have gone before us and the 3 we have here on earth.  I can't imagine what it will be like, but it will be a beautiful day.  

Thankfulness

Can I say that the stress is starting to pile on?

Yesterday was an interesting day.  We had an appointment for our older daughter to discuss a developmental concern, what I thought would be an easy in/easy out appointment left me reeling and wishing I had brought my husband along!  What was supposed to be an end, ended up being a beginning - a very unexpected beginning.  On the way to this appointment I accidentally hit a car in the parking lot.  I haven't had an accident since we moved here nearly 10 years ago, also in a parking lot.  What was supposed to be tying up loose ends so we can move forward and head to China put more work on my plate.  Then there was a line at the drive-through for Chick fil A, I seriously waited for 20 minutes.  And then there was a major lemonade disaster while driving down the interestate.  Yesterday wasn't my day.  

But at the end of it I reminded myself of the things I am thankful for.  I am thankful that my husband has a great job that provides for our family.  I am thankful that we have good health insurance coverage and Am's needs are going to be taken care of.  I am thankful that we have car insurance and that I paid it (another long story) so we were covered when I hit someone else's vehicle.  I am thankful that Chick fil A suace really does taste so good.  I am thankful for healthy children.  The list goes on and on.

Last night before heading to bed I wrote down everything that was on my mind of things I need to complete before we head to China.  I literally had an 8 1/2x11 filled with to dos.  The list is a little overwhelming but today I was able to check off half of it.

It is all going to be okay.  God has everything under control.

We're heading to China in less than 2 weeks!  

20 days!!

20 days peeps.

twenty.

let that sink in.

The day goes quickly, but then it comes to this point in the evening when it crawls.  Nevermind that my bedroom is a mess and my big couch (yes, the big one) is full of laundry that needs to be folded.

Time is standing still right now.

I've made Doron's packing list, called Verizon and discovered that putting International calling on our phone plan is a better option than renting a cell phone in China, recieved 2 of my amazon purchases (more arriving tomorrow!), I've sorted out who is taking what carry ons, and I finished Doron's blanket!!

I'm excited.  And yet, IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?!?!

3 weeks from tonight we will be in China, totally exhausted yet probably unable to sleep.  3 weeks from tomorrow we'll be touring Beijing, 3 weeks from Saturday we'll go on another tour, 3 weeks from Sunday we'll fly to our province and 3 weeks from Monday we'll meet our son!!  oh my goodness.

I don't have super thought provoking words, or anything really because I'm at a complete lack of words.  All I have is a silly smile and a running list that keeps going through my head and never ends.  There is always something else to do, but sometimes I just am too excited to move.  And then I wonder, what's all this going to be like for Doron?  New faces, new places, new things everywhere, a new name - if he knew what was coming would he be excited?  He's waking up today to a day just like any other, most likely completely oblivious (other than the CD and photo album of us) that his world is changing.

Kind of makes me think of this video our girls watched when they were babies.  There was a man and a woman in it and at one point the smiled and waved at the screen.  The girls LOVED it!  Always calling the man "grandpa" and the girl "that lady" - but how would they feel if that "grandpa" and "that lady", even though the liked them on the tv, came over one day and took them away from everything they'd ever known.  I imagine that's a little how its going to be for Doron.  Except not only does he not really know us, we don't even speak his language.  (We have learned/are learning a tiny bit of Mandarin...tiny.)

As we come home there are going to be a lot of big transitions for all of us, and we must always remember that our little guy is taking all of this in from a completely different view point.  At his age he doesn't understand what he doesn't have and what he is getting, he will for awhile only understand what he has lost and been taken from.

Please pray for us.  For the next few weeks as we prepare to travel and then for the next several weeks and months and we transition into a family of 5.  We are all going to need lots of grace and patience during this time....

Love and bless you all -

Brie

Final stretch

Here we are in our final stretch to bring home Doron!

The last few weeks has been a flurry of activities and excitement and tomorrow marks 4 weeks until we meet our son!  I can't even imagine how fast these weeks will fly, yet crawl at the same time.  

I was blessed to be thrown a Blessingway a few weeks ago by my dear friends and colleages of the doula group I work with, Little Lambs.  It was such an amazing afternoon.  I was surrounded by my closest friends and the few family members that could make it and showered with blessings for our family, Doron, our trip and all the unknowns of the future.  It was an afternoon full of amazing food, good fellowship, lots of tears and lots of prayers.  I couldn't have imagined a more perfect celebration of his life past, present, and future.  

And now its weeks later (geesh, how did that happen?) and we are literally preparing to go to China!  I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that thought.  All that we've been working towards for this past year and 2 months is going to come to fruition in the next 4 weeks and our family will be united.  

I'm counting out luggage and carry-ons and measuring things.  I'm concerned about weights and too much or too little.  I notoriously overpack, unless i'm trying to conserve and then I notoriously underpack.  I've never yet found the perfect balance in 11 years of traveling to Arkansas 2-3 times a year.  I'm reminding myself that packing for international air travel is different than packing for road trips (which we are very accustomed to), and waiting till the night before is not adviseable.  I'm kicking my procrastination to the curb on this one and beginning my packing early so I can make sure I have everything we need....

Will you pray for us?  We're finishing up Am's final weeks of first grade, she is very excited that as of tomorrow she only has 2.5 weeks left of school and then we are finished and packing for China.  She's almost a second grader! These next few weeks are probably going to be even crazier than usual as we try and squeeze in a few more field trips, shop, pack, and finish up some last minute things.  I can't believe that this time is almost here, and yet - if things had gone our way, Doron would have been here for a week already.  Not our plans, but God's.  He has had things under control from the very beginning.  We are so grateful for all that he has done and is doing.  

Our journey really is only beginning when we meet Doron, getting there is just another piece of this puzzle.   

FULLY FUNDED and the joy of the Lord

The only reason I'm still up and blogging right now is because I told Z she had to go to sleep.  Which means that I didn't rock her to sleep and lay her in bed and quietly sneak out for the first time in 2 (almost 3) years.  She rolled over and pretended to go to sleep but my guess is that in about 15 minutes Crazy Legs (as I often times call her at night since those legs never seem to stop moving) will probably be up and wandering around soon.  That gives me 15 minutes to shoot out our latest adoption update and a few other random thoughts that have been circling my mind lately.

Adoption News:

The biggest news of all is that our adoption is FULLY FUNDED!!!!!!  Last year when we started this process we had full confidence that God was going to provide every single cent we needed for our adoption.  Along the way he has provided everything we needed exactly when we needed it.  But here at the end, it has seemed overwhelming to learn how to trust God and let go of our security net.  Two weeks ago we purchased our airline tickets on our credit card.  We had part of the funds to cover them, not all.  Over the weekend we received a donation to cover our airline tickets and most of our travel expenses.  Today we were able to cover our in-country expenses.  God is never slow, he is always on time. 

As we have gone through this process we have been met along the way by friends and family who have been so incredibly generous.  Some of you with your time, some of you with your abilities, some of you with your finances.  It has not ceased to amaze me in these past months just how much love we are surrounded by. We are not alone, we have a huge village supporting us. 

Winter Jam concert is coming up on Sunday evening, and although we won't be going I love thinking about the role a Winter Jam concert played in our story.  It was about 5 years ago that my husband went to a Winter Jam concert and came home with a sponsor child for our family.  He said that he just knew it was what we were supposed to do.  This concert introduced us to a great agency and our first sponsor child who has since graduated from sponsorship but who we think of and pray for often.  The next child assigned to us was a little boy from China, because of his sponsorship our eyes were opened to Foster Care in China and also the possibility of adopting from China someday.  Here we are, having planned our trip to China to go and pick up our little boy.  He isn't the little boy we sponsored for awhile but he is a little boy living in a foster care family in China.  As I was thinking about this I thought about his foster family and how much they mean to us.  Then I wondered, is there a family sponsoring our son?  So many people working together to care for our son.  I am so grateful for all of them, pouring our their love on him. 

It is strange to see how we grow and change and develop as we age.  I know I'm not even close to nearing the end of this growing and changing... it will continue as long as I continue.  Sometimes in the midst of all that is going on in our lives I have to remind myself to not be weighed down by all the responsibilities I have on me.  The last few weeks have been more stressful than usual.  It has seemed overwhelming at times.  Our house has not stayed "together", and I have found myself dwelling on the frustrating and the overwhelming. 

It has felt at times like the weight of years of loss and pain, and then having a second baby and post partum depression, and then heading into all that goes into preparing to adopt - at times I felt like I've lost my fun.  I have a good friend who is always fun.  The joy of the Lord is in her, and she lives a life of faithfulness to him.  Even when she is overwhelmed or burdened, or sick, or in a difficult circumstance - she is joyful, encouraging, and full of life.  I have thought, momentarily and at times, that if only she were still here (in Iowa) I would be fun again.  But I have to remember where my joy comes from; not from a friend who clings to the promises of God. No, her joy and my joy have to come from God; from clinging to his promises myself. 

I don't want to be old and crochety (you can be crochety at 30).  I want to be full of life, vibrant, radiating Holy Spirit and him living in me. 

Incredibly so, I have come to the end of this and our little Z is still in her own bed!  After a week of fitful nights, I may be able to sleep all night tonight!  Good night my friends, and may God bless you and give you joy.

Love,
Brie

Travel Approval and Plane Tickets!

So it's here!

Our Travel Approval arrived via FedEx this morning!  It happened like this.  For some reason Zemirah insisted on being worn on my back while I made breakfast this morning.  So I'm walking around the kitchen with a 35+lb toddler on my back and my hair pulled off to the side so she wouldn't play with it.  But then she pulls the tiny hairs on my neck and it really hurts.  I also happen to have a pimple on my neck and she kept telling me she didn't like it.  So there was much chatter and pulling and ow-ing and Am walks into the kitchen and says "here mom."  I look down and see this giant thing that looks like a graphing calculater and she's holding a pen.  "What's This?" I say.  "Where did you get this???"  My mind is spinning as to how she would have gotten a hold of one of Aaron's graphing calculators from college.  And she replies "The man at the door gave it to me.  Supposed to sign it."  "What?! THE MAN AT THE DOOR!?!?!"  Realization dawns..."oooohhhhh!  FedEx!  You can't sign this!" She counters with "No, he said YOU have to sign it!"  So a frazzled mom showed up at the door.  I relayed the story while I quickly signed and it gave him a good laugh.  Hopefully it made up for how much time he wasted by sitting at my door waiting for a 7 year old to come back with his signy thing.

Travel Approval is literally the LAST step to purchasing tickets to China!  And we did that today also!  We are so incredibly excited!

In my last post I mentioned how devastating it was to find out we would not be traveling in April.  Strangely things have turned out that it is good we can't travel then.  On Monday our damaged sewer line reminded us that it needs to be repaired, and it seems that repair will happen as soon as the ground is thawed, which may be in about 2 weeks.   On Tuesday my darling husband was diagnosed with mono, it seems the poor guy has to get worse before he gets better.  So, things are working out.

We didn't want to have to disrupt our lives for the sewer repair just after bringing Doron home, and we never could have predicted Aaron getting sick.  We are thankful we have time to get our house in order and let Aaron heal before leaving for China.

We are still fundraising for our trip (Which may be more costly than we originally anticipated) so if you know anyone who might like to help us get to China, you can send them to our puzzle fundraiser on Facebook by clicking here!  $10 sponsors 1 puzzle piece that will have your name or whatever you'd like written on the back.  You are welcome to sponsor as many pieces as you'd like.

Emotions, Dates, and Other Thoughts

I'd like you to know that this is likely to be the most scattered blog post I've ever written.  There, you've been warned - read on at your own risk.  (and for my grammar friends, please ignore my incorrect usage of commas... and other major errors.  For some reason I never could grasp the whole comma thing)

It is rare that I get coffee, even more rare that I get one at 9pm, so this is likely to only exacerbate the problem of scatterdness.

I often joke, or possibly try to joke, that I don't have much emotion, but infact I think the truth is that I have more emotion than I know how to handle, so I hold my emotions at arms length.  I feel them, inside, but it is hard to let them out.  It is hard for me to show people how I am really feeling inside.  I hope you don't think I mean that I am fake, I mean that sometimes I can't even understand or put into words all that I am feeling, or that my words seem painfully inadequate, or that I want to have tears and I can't seem to find them in me.  I see people with emotion all around me and I feel it, I just have a hard time showing it.

*******

This week has been full of emotions (and it isn't even over yet!)  Some of the emotions I can't even describe but it was a difficult week.  When we began our adoption process our mind couldn't concieve bringing home a child within 18 months of starting the process.  It just wasn't likely.  In January after recieving our LOA it became a possibility (ever so slight) that we would be able to travel in March, but most likely in April.  Because of circumstances beyond anyone's control - we found out on Tuesday that our trip is now pushed back to May.  This news felt like a sucker punch.  It fell on an already difficult day that was only matched by the ice storm that ripped through our area.  Today we recieved our travel confirmation!  The trip is set and scheduled and we will be leaving mid-May to bring home our son!  The news hits me with two major emotions at the same time, frustration because it was supposed to be April, and excitement that our trip is confirmed.  We're going in May!  We are so incredibly excited! But oh how our arms ache to hold our little boy.

********

Early in our adoption process I sat at the table sorting out files and documents and a whole assortment of paperwork.  I am not even sure if we had even decided we would adopt from China yet.  I remember sitting across from Aaron and looking up and saying "We need an adoption doula."  I was so overwhelmed, I didn't even know where to start.

As a Birth Doula one of my roles is to help expectant parents navigate through their pregnancy as well as their labor and delivery.  I work prenatally with clients to practice tools for dealing with the pain of labor, I provide resources to help them make educated and informed decisions during pregnancy and labor, and we come up with a birth plan so they can be prepared for their labor and delivery and the questions that often come up.   And as a childbirth educator I make sure my clients are educated on what happens during pregnancy, labor, and delivery.  I help establish bonds with them so that the birth partner feels included as well.  I give the birth partner important tools to help him feel involved in the pregnancy, labor and birth.  

I often joke that I relate most things in life to childbirth - and it is so true.  I actually saw the face of the laboring woman in the effort it took my husband to put together his basketball hoop.  I'm nuts when it comes to childbirth.  (Consequently, my husband now views much of life the same way too.  I have apparently rubbed off on him.  When we were hiking last fall I came out from a crevice between two rocks to have my husband say "that totally looks like a uterus and birth canal - let me take your picture coming out of it!".... I have ruined him for life).   *If you are reading this for the first time just getting to know me, please don't think I am strange or that I will talk to you about uterus' or show you pictures of babies being born... I mean, I totally would if we were in class together, but I restrain myself for the general public*  - also, I am very tired right now, so my filter is pretty much gone.

Back to my original thought process -

I have been thinking lately about how this adoption process has felt like the longest pregnancy of my life.  How our agency has been our doula, the CCCWA our care provider, and China our hospital.  While in a pregnancy you can choose your care provider (and in some respects so have we), we took great great care in choosing our doula.  We researched, we asked questions, we asked more questions, we hired one and fired one (in a nice way), and we found one we love.

I am so thankful for our agency, they have held our hand and walked us through this process in such an incredible way.  Just like in pregnancy, they can't make all of our decisions for us.  They can't do all the hard work (although to be honest, they do a lot more hard work for us than a doula can for her childbirth clients...).  But they have been our advocate.  They have provided resources and information.  Help when we needed it. They are amazing.

******

In following with the theme of equating our adoption process to pregnancy, labor and birth...

In pregnancy you are given a due date, and your baby is born somewhere around that due date.  You get your hopes up and excited and your due date comes and more often than not, baby doesn't.  Moms are frustrated, they're tired, they have these crazy hormones racing through their body as their body prepares to labor and the waiting is just so hard.  Your expectations were set.  You thought baby was coming.

That's kind of how I feel right now.  I knew baby coming early (March) wasn't likely - but I held out a glimmer of hope.  I knew baby coming on time (April) was probable - but I kept a corner of my heart protected in case I was wrong.  And today we got the official news, baby is coming late (May), very late in my opinion.  My heart desperately wanted March or April.

The difference though, and this is what makes it the hardest.  When you're pregnant and waiting for baby, you're still holding your baby.  My arms are empty while we wait.  And that makes me very sad.  Each day he is away is one more day that he grows and his face changes, his personality changes, and we're missing it.

I look at Z and I can see how every day she changes a little bit more and what am I missing?  I know that he is loved and cared for, but I miss him.

******

A few posts back (which might be awhile since I haven't been able to post much lately) I throughout the question of why we would adopt when we can't afford it.

It was a hard question to ask because I feel like it deserves an answer.  A few people responded quite encouragingly to us, reminding us of the call God put on our hearts and our lives to adopt.

And I can't find an answer better than that one.  Years ago, before I ever knew that having babies would be difficult for us, my heart was drawn to adoption.  Before I ever met Aaron, I wanted it to be apart of my story.  When Aaron and I were married we always bounced around the idea of adopting a child or children someday.  We didn't even at that time understand what that would look like, or mean, we just knew we wanted to.  Amazing how God can use a little "want to".

I feel the answer to the question is as simple as that.  We know that God has already provided all that we need to bring home our son.  We just haven't seen it yet.  When he opened our eyes and our hearts to be willing, he provided.

Why are we adopting when we aren't incredibly wealthy people?  Because we want to.  Because God called us to.  Because our hearts are forever attached to a little boy desperate for a forever family.  We are his family.  That's the answer.

Will we adopt again? I don't know.  It is hard to think of anything past bringing home Doron right now.  It is hard for us to have any idea what God has for us, because none of our journey has been what we would have pictured it to be.

My greatest fear is that people will think we chose adoption because having biological children is too difficult for us.  No, that's not it.  There are days and moments where I might have felt that that was it - that adoption was easier than experiencing loss over and over again - but deep down, that is not the reason we chose to adopt.

We have chosen adoption because this is what God called us to do.  This is his heart, and he has made it ours too.

******

I went to see The Dropbox movie tonight.  I was gripped throughout the whole film.  I felt like I couldn't move, my heart just overwhelmed.  In it was a woman that I admire.  It took me by surprise really, I didn't know she would be in the movie.  Last summer I opened a letter and in it was a picture of this woman holding a little boy, and my heart did a little flip flop.  I looked up and a woman in her mid-60's rode past me on a bicycle.  And I thought 'who am I going to be when I'm that age?'  I was holding in my hand a photo of a woman who has given her life to help the orphans, and saw before me the image of what I thought I wanted for my retired life; to ride my bike through my small town, to worry about my garden, my friends, and my grandchildren.  There is nothing wrong with that idea, but what I really want is to be making a difference in the lives of children who have no one else.

God has given me such a gift with Amariss, Zemirah, and Doron.  I cannnot imagine not sharing the love he has given with so many more children.

*****

If you stuck through this post until the end, wow, you amaze me.  I wanted to split it up into more than one post, but I am fairly certain (based on my track record) it's going to be awhile before I can put another post together.  Maybe I'll surprise myself, but I haven't been very consistent.

As you can see I have a lot of emotion running through me right now.  And so much more that I just can't share right now.

Thank you for praying for our family, for being a part of our journey.

God bless,

Brie

How much longer?

It hasn't been a month since my last posting but it feels like it!  So much has happened in the last few weeks and here we are mid-february and thinking about when we might get to go meet and bring home our little boy!

Is this really happening??  Less than a year ago we actually started the adoption process from China;  at that point our time frame was 18 months at the earliest!  11 months later and we have our visas and know we will be going to China this spring.  The question still remains which month we will be leaving in, but we are preparing our hearts and our home to bring in another little one.

Currently we are waiting for our Article 5 to be issued.  It would normally be expected this week, but with Chinese New Year we may have to wait an extra week.  Once our Article 5 has been issued we will recieve our Travel Approval (TA) and then tickets are booked and the trip is planned!

I get overwhelmed wrapping my head around all that the next few months holds for us.  Time is flying over here and it catches me by surprise constantly!  In a city far away, in a home I've never seen, being held by another woman - is my son.  I am so grateful for the family that is taking care of him in this time when I can't.  I am not sure how I will ever be able to adequately thank them for all that they mean to me.  To bring my little one into their hearts for a brief time, to take care of him, and shower him with love - it means so much.  So very much.
 

Fundraisers

I find myself in a difficult place these days.  I don't like asking for help.  I don't like depending on people.  I want to help.  I want to be depended on, but having the humility to ask for help - this is not something that comes naturally to me.

I was on the phone with a friend this morning and talking about a few key moments in our lives when I wish I would have asked for help.  And in hindsight, I know it was legitimate, at the time it felt like failing.

When we put on fundraisers, mail out support letters, and just in general ask for financial support of our adoption, I feel like I'm laying it all out there for the world to see.

I feel like the question is raised "Why are you adopting when you can't afford it?"

I think the question is real and for a lot of reasons, needs to be asked.

In the past few months we have been blown away by the generosity of more than a handful of people.  Many who have stretched themselves thin for our son.  This generosity has done a number on my heart, and my pride, because I ask myself the hard question above.

While friends ask constantly, "How can I help?"  I don't know what to say.

How can you help?  My head spins.  This is a step above laundry, dishes, a meal...

Yet, so many of you have seen the need and stepped up to meet it, and we stand here overwhelmed.

I write this because tonight one fundraiser ended, and another began.  It is because of the generosity of friends, and their desperate desire to raise all that we need that these are occuring.  And I am so thankful that when they see a need they are so kind as to take the initiative to try and fill it however they can.

I want to be sure though, that all of those who have graciously donated already, whether through Lifesong, Freezer-Full, Bake Sale, Garage Sale,  - whatever it is...  I want you to know that your gift has not gone unrecognized.  Your gift has not been minimized.  Your gift is significant.

I am so excited about the puzzle piece fundraiser and the way it provides illustration of just how many people have come together to take part in bringing our son home.  But, it doesn't represent all who have worked to bring him home, and because of that we will have another piece of artwork that holds the names of all others who have donated, regardless of amount.

We know that this adventure, from start through to our lifelong journey takes a village.  Every piece of our village is important to us.  

If you would like to know more about the Puzzle Fundraiser you can find it on here Facebook.

We love you all so very much!

Aaron & Brie

Life, Updates, Steps Forward

I left the social media world on Sunday evening.  I said my internal goodbye's and prepared myself for 3 days without Facebook.

You're laughing.

I know.  I know.  I know exactly how it sounds.  A stay-at-home mom, addicted to Facebook, and blogs, and Instagram... and everything else that keeps her connected to the rest of the world.  It's almost cliche. Well, it is a little true.  Our church entered 3 days of prayer and fasting, and my husband asked me to give up social media.

It was difficult that first day, and the second... and the third...  I even dreamed about accidentally getting on Facebook on my phone.  I would check my email and have to not absentmindedly click on Facebook.  I know the truths about it all - I know that it's easy to get sucked in to.  How one article shared just starts you on a vicious cycle clinging to news stories.  Yes, I get my news from Facebook.

Anyway - it really is all besides the point.  These 3 days were liberating, and the conversation I missed in the van on the way home because I was finally able to peruse Facebook, was dissappointing.  I need to be more aware of my surroundings, less caring of the goings on in other people's lives, focusing on the happenings around me and my family.  These littles are growing up way to fast.

One of our youth students preached an absolutely astounding - phenmonenal out of this world message tonight.  She really opened herself up to be vulnerable and let the Holy Spirit use her.  Wow.
Sunday morning, our Pastor preached an amazing message.  My heart began a much needed healing and my spirit a much needed awakening.

God is doing an incredible thing.  He is moving in incredible ways.  I can't wait to see how this story unfolds.

Monday morning I settled in with my lovelies to spend the morning with them, and take some time with Jesus.  Monday afternoon we received in the mail an amazing part of adoption news.  I mean it was so exciting, it was like Christmas.  For Christmas we got our LOA, for January we got our I-800 provisional approval!  (It's okay that you don't know what that means!)  This is a HUGE piece of our puzzle!!  We our now waiting on our NVC letter so we can file our DS-260!  Still confusing words... but our time is drawing near!! Those dates of March or April??  That's for real.  We'll be going to China in March or April of this year to bring home our son. It doesn't even seem real, yet it does seem so real...

I have been nesting up a storm!  Cleaning out stuff we don't need, trying to rearrange.  Seriously.  You didn't think you could nest if you weren't physically pregnant?  Oh, you can.  It's the strangest thing.

Monday night as we were headed to bed I checked my email quickly and hidden between unnecessary advertisements was our Update.  We have been waiting since November to receive our update on our little boy.  In our update we were gifted with a video!!  And we watch it over and over and over again.  We cannot wait to bring him home!!

So, we have been on cloud nine since Monday.  It's like floating on surreal air, and we're only going to float some more!

With getting closer to leaving though, we know we are getting closer to needing more money!  We know that God is going to provide, but how - he is mysterious.

Last week I was worried about our finances.  We had been running into one road block after another, and I was overwhelmed with how we would ever have enough to bring home our baby.  I recieved a check in the mail from a medical bill I had overpaid and I felt like it was God confirming, that he has it all taken care of.  The next day I recieved another check, this one mine returned to me becuase I had already paid that bill.  Another reminder that he is watching over us.  Neither of the checks were for more than a few dollars, but it brought me the peace I needed to continue to trust in his faithfulness.

We are so excited about the next few weeks.  We have so much to continue doing but we are so very very excited!  Thank you all for praying for us and believing with us.  And for all who have donated, your generosity is blowing us away.  Our hearts are just overwhelmed with all that you are doing for us.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.