Finish Strong

It's time for the traditional blogger New Year post!  And in true "Brie" fashion, I am only 6 days late!

Last year at the new year we were really confused.  We had excitedly started the adoption process and then thrown a curveball with an unexpected pregnancy that ended quickly in our 8th miscarriage.  We spent the holidays trying to decide what to do when January came, and when that happened - we were no closer to knowing what to do.  My husband entered 21 days of prayer and fasting, and by the end, we were still without a solid "answer".  So with trepidation, and knowing God would lead our steps, we decided to return to the domestic adoption process, and as quickly as we tried to restart, God closed the door.  It was exactly what we needed, an answer.

In early March we submitted our application to begin adopting from China, by June we had completed all the initial paperwork and classes and were starting our homestudy.  Our summer was crazy, but by August we had completed our homestudy and were working on our dossier.  It was the middle of September when an email of special focus children brought our son to our eyes and he stole our hearts.  We were matched, sent our LOI and had our dossier to China by the end of October, and then we waited.

I had prayed so desperately that we would recieve our LOA for Christmas, but I knew 2-4 mo from DTC (Dossier to China) was Dec 31.  And on December 29 while trying to get Z out of the trunk of the van, my phone rang our LOA had arrived! There it was, our Christmas gift!

Now here we are, January of a new year, so different from last January.  We can see the finish line, but we haven't reached it yet.  It reminds me of running with my good friends Susan and Leisha.  At the end of every run when I can see where we finish I usually sprint to the end and proudly exclaim "I won!" (Which is a matter of joking between us because they usually have slowed their pace significantly for me to be able to run with them).  But it is how I finish every race I run, with a sprint because inside I want to be like "oh okay, we made it to the end, I'm done now."  But I haven't actually made it to the end.  Sort of like the tortoise and the hare, start out strong and piddle out in the end.

Here we are, sprinting to bring home Doron, only this race - we can't piddle out on.  This race we have to finish because our son lays in the balance.

I'm praying that this sets a presedence for me this year.  I want to finish the goals and tasks I set before myself.  Ambition gets you started but its dedication and perseverance that help you finish and finish strong.

May this be a year of beautiful beginnings and well run races for you as well!

Hebrews 12:1-2New International Version (NIV)

12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

 

The Strawberry Patch

I spent some time pulling weeds in the strawberry patch this morning.  The clouds were threatening rain but other than a few stray drops, we enjoyed the sounds and smells of spring.  I always feel that there are so many lessons to be learned when you are gardening.  Beyond the obvious lessons of what to and not do while gardening, there are the life lessons placed by God in the soil, the plants, the creatures.  It amazes me.

This year we really don't have the time to do a big garden.  I bought a few tomato & pepper plants, but other than that I'm just maintaining the strawberries, hoping the rabbits don't eat them before we get our fence up.

Our strawberry patch was looking rather neglected and when I started out this morning with my nearly 2 year old and my spade, my intent was really just to dig up the huge dandelions that were stifling their growth. But out there with what were the big huge obvious weeds, was also lots and lots of crab grass.

The interesting thing about crab grass is that it really doesn't look that bad.  Afterall, it's just grass.  Kind of pretty if you think about it.  But crab grass is sneaky, you might have 1 shoot of grass sticking up, and you go to pull it and it is stuck tight in the ground.  Crab grass sends shooters underneath the surface of the soil, pulling it is an often futile effort, rarely can you actually pull out the roots.  It was for this very reason that I hadn't bothered with it for awhile.  It's a lot of work to pull up crab grass!

But when I got to the strawberry patch I could see that what I thought was harmless grass growing, was really a monster and in the patches where it was heaviest there were hardly any strawberry plants growing.  So I got pulling, and while I pulled I thought (which is why I love gardening so much!).

Remember the parable of the weeds and the seeds?  There are a couple of them, here is the one I'm referring to:

Matthew 13:1-9

13 That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake. 2 Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat in it, while all the people stood on the shore. 3 Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root.7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. 9 Whoever has ears, let them hear.”

"Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants."  My crab grass isn't exactly thorns, or even as menacing as dandelions, to the human eye.  But as I was sitting there, pulling and pulling, and my fingers were getting a little raw, I thought about how often it isn't the GIANT sins that keep us from growing as Christians.  It isn't the blatantly obvious weeds in our lives that impair our ability to produce fruit.  A lot of times it is the little things that take a little root and send a shooter under the surface.  No one can see the intricate web of  destruction tearing at our hearts beneath our facade.  Our sin might not be that bad, it might even look a little pretty - but underneath, when we let it grow out of control it will take over our lives, choke out the good in us and prevent us from growing fruit.  Prevent us from living out the fruit of the Spirit in our lives.  Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control - Galatians 5:22-25.

What are the things in your life that our choking out your fruit?  And how can you start pulling these weeds today?  If you never start, they'll only continue to take over your strawberry patch.  

Learning To Let God Lead

I was driving into town last week and I heard this song on the radio.  I believe it hit me, quite hard it felt, that for a long time I have been trying to write my own story.  This is probably the reason that I find people that have what I want, a knowledge of what their future holds, and I'm jealous of them.  Even more jealous if they have that knowledge and are pursuing their passion, and it's something (I think) I want for my life also, but am not sure if that is the direction in which I am headed.

Am I rambling?  Does that make sense?  In my book study last spring, Unglued by Lisa Turkhurst, there was a whole chapter on jealousy.  That chapter was like a cold bucket of water over my head.  Yikes!  That was one of the first times I have really taken on the knowledge that I fight jealousy.  It's a companion I need to learn how to shake, and hopefully I am learning how to shake.  I tried bottling it up, and putting on a happy smiley face, but no, that just makes me stew and become bitter.  I thought that maybe telling people when I was jealous of them would help me shake it, but no, that just makes me look (and feel) like an idiot.

Ah, I see, jealousy is from the evil one, the one who wants me to look like an idiot, push people away, and become angry and bitter.

In life, there are a thousand different reasons to be jealous.  Someone always has it better, there is always something to be desired.  Whether it be a job, a family, a dream - someone always has something you could want, or desire.

When I look back at my adult life I can see that God has taken me on an interesting journey.  One I never would have imagined 10 years ago, when I was a young college student, engaged to be married and living with my neighbors, studying for a degree I (kind of) intended to use, in a field I (kind of) enjoyed.  To be honest, it was the grace of God that led me to that degree, the one that opened doors and got me on my start to being a childbirth educator and later birth doula. I love what I do. I couldn't imagine loving any other job (outside of my role as a mom) more.

I never once imagined I'd be the woman I am today, with the passions I have today.  I never once imagined that I would homeschool, or care about red dye and high fructose corn syrup (seriously, I love fruit snacks and twinkies - er, I did... okay, I do still love fruit snacks), or be passionate about natural childbirth, or passionate about natural anything (again, the girl who popped ibuprofen in high school like it was candy and thought McDonalds could pass as a healthy meal).  I never once imagined that we would have miscarriage after miscarriage and wonder how many children we would have.  I also never once imagined that I would doubt myself or that I wouldn't know what the next step would be.

And that's where I am.  I don't know what the rest of the story is, and often times I try so hard to write it for God only to find myself more confused and frustrated than before.  But I forget, he has written it thus far; He has opened doors, presented opportunities, and shaped me and molded me along the way, all in his timing, for his purposes.  

So I think listening to this song this week has been a good reminder to me to stop playing with God's pen.  A reminder to be fully invested in the current life God has called me to lead and when the time is right, he will guide me to the next step, whatever that may be.  We are all on different paths, because we are all different people.  Some of us are called to take similar journeys, but no journey is ever identical to or better than someone else's.

A journey is a journey, and I will let God lead mine.

**This post was written late at night, after reviewing it this morning I would like to add that I am not insanely jealous as the piece might suggest. But I do believe that I struggle with jealousy just like anyone else. I am not focusing this post directed at any specific person or event, it is just general reflection.**

*This post has been edited*

Facebook Frustrations

It has been awhile since I've had a chance to sit down and write!  Life has been so busy, and honestly - enjoyable - that sitting down to write about it means I will probably miss something.  And when it comes to these growing girls, I don't want to miss a thing!

Our adoption plans have been put on a temporary hold.  We had a bit of a hiccup that I can explain in further detail another time.  At any rate, as we learned from the beginning, we have to trust God in all things - and we're learning to trust him here too.  If you wouldn't mind praying for us that we would be pursuing God's plan for our family in all things.

I was thinking this morning about Facebook.  That website that occupies so much of our precious time - the one I love and loathe at the same time.

I love the social aspect; the feeling that I can connect with dear friends that live far away, ask questions of like-minded moms (and offer opinions too), discuss childbirth and doula care, meet & cheer on women going through the trenches of infertility and miscarriage (these women have become very dear friends of mind as well), and stay up-to-date on the goings-on in the world.  I fear that if it weren't for Facebook I would be woefully uninformed about important and some rather unimportant things.

But then there is the part I loathe about Facebook.  Gossip, drama, time-suck, and that other thing - the part about my kids.  Whether I'm writing about the good they did, the bad they did, or the CrAzY - I'm writing, rather publicly, about my kids - not me.

This hit me - rather poignantly - about two years ago.  My oldest daughter was three and full of curiosity and energy.  I don't know what I posted, probably something about the CrAzY - because there is a lot of crazy in this house.  I probably wrote it to get it off my chest, or to relay the funny story to a friend - but as soon as I wrote it, I forgot about it.  It was later that evening, that I ran into a Facebook friend who asked my daughter about the incident.  My three year old looked at her, totally confused, as if to say "How do you know about that?"  

And that's when it hit me:
When I write something on Facebook, I'm not just writing it to a friend - or a few friends.  I'm writing it to over 400 people, many whom I don't know well, most who don't know my children at all.  I don't want my kids to feel confused as to how people found out about their good, bad, or crazy.

I wish that two years ago, when I first realized that damage Facebook could do to my children, I would have followed my own instinct and quit posting about my kids.  Instead of writing the funny things they say on Facebook, I should rather take that time and write them in a book.  I have journals for both of my girls - but rarely write in them.

Someday these stories are going to make me laugh, if they haven't already, and I'm going to want to read about them.  My guess is, my kids will want to read about them too.  29+ "like" 's are nice for today, but in a few weeks I'll forget what she said and Facebook doesn't transpose so well.  I've tried.

So today after my one of my daughters makes me want to pull my hair out, or 'LOL', or 'smh' - I'm going to try and write it down, not for the world to see - but for her to see - when she's older, when it will make her laugh out loud, or shake her own head. 

**I also want to clarify that because I don't write about my parenting fails, my children's mistakes, or all the negative stuff that can happen in life - it doesn't mean it doesn't happen here too.  We're human too.  But when I run into 'friends' I want them to see my kids for who they are, not how I portrayed them on Facebook.**    

Step-by-step...

I knew I would blog this week, there is so much to say, but I haven't known how to say it.

Really, there hasn't been a whole lot to report.  I made a surprise trip to Arkansas two weekends ago to surprise my mom for her birthday!  (and if I was really great at taking pictures I'd have some for you, but wrangling two kids by myself for a 12 hr drive was enough).

On our way to Arkansas we got the news that our application had been accepted by the agency and we were ready to move on with the next step!  That step was signing a lot of paperwork...

Officially, the paperwork has been signed and mailed, and according to the United States Postal Service should arrive at our agency's head office on Thursday.  Woohoo!

I really feel God's hand in all of this.  Down to every last tiny, seemingly unimportant detail like our paperwork arriving on Thursday, November 21.

A little over 6 months ago we miscarried a little boy, Isaiah.  Many of you have seen our posts and have shown us so much support.  Amazingly, our hearts have healed so well from this loss, which I know is nothing short of God's divine goodness.  We were blessed to have a memorial service for him, and because of this, his loss helped bring closure to us from 7 years of miscarriages.

We had begun looking into adoption in January of this year, long before we knew we were expecting.  With our pregnancy we put adoption off to the side for awhile.  When we lost Isaiah, and were ready to pursue adoption again, I knew I would not be fully ready until we had passed and mourned his due date.  This Wednesday, November 20, is Isaiah's due date.

He sees us, he hears us.  He knows exactly who we are, and where we are in our journey.  God does not take a single thing for granted.  

Sunday, one of our pastor's reminded us that "Our God takes impossibilities and makes them possibilities."  That is so true.  From step one he has taken what seems impossible to us and opened a door and made it a possibility.  He has closed doors that we may have wanted to step through, knowing it wasn't the right plan for us.  We are completely trusting Him as we take one more step toward our possibility.

Today we also remember our 2nd miscarriage.  Our little baby, Tiny, was miscarried on November 18, 2006.  Sometimes I wonder when I will stop remembering these anniversaries, but my heart feels that as long as we live, we won't.  These little ones, a part of our lives for an incredibly too short amount of time, are a part of us.  We lost Tiny while at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference, we were a little over 6 weeks along.

So, this week is strangely bittersweet.  We mourn a lot of loss but look forward with tempered anticipation for all that is to come.

The Garage Sale

Our first adoption fundraiser was last Saturday!  We had a garage sale to help raise funds and it was so exciting.  My very good friends spent Wednesday and Thursday at my mother-in-laws house tagging/organizing/sorting all in preparation for Friday afternoon and Saturday.  And my mother-in-law deserves a medal of honor for watching my kids AND my friends' kids all day Wednesday and Thursday!!

There were so many generous friends who donated so much to this sale!  There is no way we would have done so well without all of you!  We had a full garage and full driveway with everything from nearly every size of children's clothing, to toys, to maternity clothes, to housewares, to a huge toolbox and fencing!

It was amazing.  

Everything did not sell :( but we are going to pack everything back up and try again for the spring city-wide!  We might have a baby by then (who knows?) but even if we do, we will still be paying for this adoption, so all the funds will still go towards our adoption fund.  

and to think... I wasn't going to have one!

It was New Year's Eve of this year and we all sat around the table at my parents' house.  My dad, jokingly, posed the question "What's everyone's New Year's Resolution going to be?"  and followed it up with a light chuckle... if you know my dad, you'll know what I mean.

Quick with my come-back (which almost never happens) I replied "I'm resolving to have a baby this year!"  ....  because you know, I'm pregnant.  Everyone laughed... and that led to the rest of us talking about how we don't like to make New Year's Resolutions because they rarely get followed through on... and instead we like to just know what we hope to accomplish this year...

However, the next morning was Sunday and we got ourselves ready and went to Mom and Dad's church.  It was such a refreshing service, probably especially to me because in the past 2 months I think I've been in 2 actual church services, between my trip to California, followed by Thanksgiving, followed by preschool class at church, followed by Christmas traveling.... etc. etc. etc....  Things have been crazy, and I've missed worshiping with other believers.

Anyway, the pastor began to preach... and immediately I was convicted.  I think he started with something like this - "If you could ask for one thing what would it be?"  and I knew exactly what I would ask for...  healthy children.  That's literally what I said in my head.  A noble choice, sure...  but my heart knew it wasn't the most godly...  Satan instantly started attacking me with thoughts of "if you were more godly would you have thought up something more spiritual....  if you had been spending the time with God that you should be you would know the right answer to this question...." and so on, and so forth....

So where was the pastor going with this... stick with me... 

Psalm 27, a passage I memorized a few years ago because of its significance in my life, vs 4

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is  what I seek: 

That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.

And that got me thinking...  

That's what I want...  that's really what I want for my children...

I wanted healthy children, but realistically, God never told us we'd always be healthy on earth, or that life would always be easy....  

What I truly want for my children is that they would dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of their life, that they would gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and seek him in his temple....

That's what I really want for my children.  

And how can I spend this year guiding Am (and her new sister to come) in that way?  

First of all, I want to teach Am to seek God by showing her her parents seeking God.

Secondly, I want to teach Am to seek God by teaching her God's word.  She can't read yet, but she is at an age where she can memorize like its nobody's business.  When I was a kid I had this capability too, and instead of watching her memorize movie lines... (which she inherited from me)....  I want to teach her to memorize scripture.  That the word of God would be hidden in her heart... so that my young little duckling would know the word of God because she often times repeats it to herself when she needs it!!

Thirdly, I want to teach Am to seek God by teaching her how to learn from God's word.  So that all those verses she hides away in her heart wouldn't just be spoken words, but that they would be practical and applicable to her life.  That when she grows up she doesn't boast about how much scripture she knows for awards or "cool" factor among her church friends, but she would be thankful for the scripture she knows because it carried her through her toughest times. 

Fourth, I want to teach my daughter to pray.  Lets just be honest... this cute little girl doesn't like to pray.  I have to admit I feel super guilty whenever my friends tell me stories about their munchkins praying before bed, before dinner, or whenever...  This one... not so much.  However, every once in awhile... (great once in awhile) she'll tell us its her turn to pray... and then I know... she's listening, she's watching, and someday she'll bust out in prayer.  In the meantime, my husband and I will continue to model prayer in everything we do whether before bed, before meals, when someone is hurt, when we can't find what we need...  wherever we are being constant communication with God.  

And Finally, We want to teach our daughter to seek God through fasting.  Lets be real candid.  My husband and I are not super good at fasting...  as in, it doesn't happen very often.  More for my husband than for me.  And this area of fasting can be tricky as its not something you want to do publicly and pridefully.  However, how can we teach our young daughter to seek God while leaving out this important principal of fasting?  More so, how can we become better at fasting so that we are even in any way able to model this for our offspring?  Children learn by example... and frankly when it comes to fasting, my example sucks.  How can I present a better model of fasting... especially while pregnant?  I don't actually know.  but I'm going to pray about it, seek the Father's face on this issue...  and see what he tells me.  

 So, in essence, I do have a New Year's Resolution.  

I am resolving to parent better.  To be a mother who teaches my children to seek God, while I myself continue to learn to seek God more.  

Amen.