I am outside tonight, enjoying the cool temperatures, high humidity and gorgeous Iowa sunset.
I love connectedness. I love how one person is connected with another; how the sky is connected to the earth, the beauty of the sunset, the importance of the bugs and animals and that all together as one we sing out a beautiful chorus to our great Creator.
The sun has just disappeared behind the blue/purple/pink haze of summer but the sky is still bright.
I have just returned home from leaving my oldest child at summer camp for the first time. I have no doubt she will have a fantastic time. She is growing into a young woman and is full of confidence and grace - and laughter, so much laughter.
(Okay so the bugs did make me go inside. I know mosquitoes serve a purpose but why does that purpose have to include MY blood?)
My husband and littles have stopped for ice cream on the way home and I have been granted the rare opportunity to sit in quiet and reflect on life.
I don't get to reflect much anymore - I just feel tired alot.
(And now I itch.)
I walked to the post office tonight and watched a plane fly overhead. I wonder where those people are going? I wonder who they are going to see? Are they happy? Are they sad? A business trip or a pleasure trip? What about us? When we travelled to China to pick up our sweet baby boy, were there people down below wondering about us? I wish I could tell them how wonderfully our world was about to change.
(Seriously, I just got so many bug bites and I was out there 5 minutes. I hope Amariss uses the bug spray I sent with her. Soooo glad I packed bug spray!)
I was prompted to write another blog post by a good friend of mine. She was 12 when I met her... She was a shy girl coming to youth group as a 6th grader and my husband and I were youth sponsors. I seriously remember the very first day she and her older sister came to youth. Now she is 24 and is married and is mothering her own little one. I'm pretty sure when I was 20 I never imagined that we would someday be sitting and having coffee and catching up as friends. Friends, connected - through life, seasons and motherhood.
Also, where did 12 years go?
(My family will be home soon and I'm anxious to check the camp website and see if there is a picture of my little girl yet.)
I love to remember my connections. The new neighbors down the street with young children, being from a small town, loving to sing and dance and paint and experience life - I love to see connections everywhere I go.
I wonder if we looked deeper to see how we were all connected, if we might learn to love a little more deeply, to share a little more grace and to experience a lot more joy?
Showing posts with label life story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life story. Show all posts
7.06.2016
8.13.2015
How Will They Remember Me?
The other day Doron had an owie on his toe. It was tiny, but toddler worthy of a bandaid. You know, a toddler can convince you to put a bandaid on a scar...
I scooped my little boy up, wrapped him in my arms, consoled him with all the words of affirmation he was looking for, settled him into the bathroom with a hug, applied neosporin, and lovingly wrapped that bandaid around his toe. I figured the bandaid would stay on for about 2 minutes but the love he felt from me caring would last all day.
As I did this, I felt like a really good mom. I thought, this is how I want to be remembered by my kids. And I thought about all the great memories I have of my mom. How she would sit in the kitchen and eat grapes and listen to Dr. Dobson every day at 11:30am. And how on her days off she would fold laundry and bake cookies and meet us at the door with a smile and a hug. In the summer she would sit on the porch swing and watch us play while drinking iced tea in our plastic blue cups. She would sit at the piano and play hymns and sing and tell us that she really wasn't that good at playing piano - but she was always better than me.
And that's how I want my kids to remember me. To have a bank in their mind full of great memories of a mom that loved them and love to be with them. My mom never had a phone in her hand, because ours was still attached to the wall and other than talking, you couldn't do anything cool with it. Even now my mom really only uses her phone to talk to people, sometimes text. We always knew that when mom was talking to us, she was really talking to us. There was no wondering if she was preoccupied with another conversation on the side. She wasn't always looking at her phone. When she helped us with homework she helped us with homework. When she stayed up until midnight waiting for us to be home by curfew and then chatted for another hour afterwards - she was really present, tired but present.
I want to be present for my kids.
Contrast my vision of awesomeness with a little reality check. Yesterday morning my adorably grown up seven year old cooked scrambled eggs and pancakes for everyone once again (frozen pancakes, toaster oven reheated). She said "I'm the mom!" I laughed and questioned "Oh, what am I then?" her reply stung, but you can't get hurt by childhood honesty - she replied "You're the kid that's always on your phone."
And is it true? kind of. Am I doing something important on my phone? maybe. Am I conversing with a friend? probably. Do my children know that they are still the most important thing in my life? I don't think so. Not when my phone is always around. Not when I don't look at them while they are talking to me. Not when they don't know what I'm doing on my phone, but it must be important since I'm always looking at it.
Hmmmm, do I need to throw my phone away? No. But when I sit down and have a big long talk with my girls about active listening, I have to ask myself 'Am I actively listening to others? Or have my children gained their poor listening and poor communication skills from a lifetime of watching me?'
Food for thought tonight. It is pretty funny how a year and a half ago, before I got my first smart phone, this never would have even been an issue. My phone had no value then other than talking and reading a text here and there.
Now, I have to learn how to break all of the bad habits - and protect my family.
I scooped my little boy up, wrapped him in my arms, consoled him with all the words of affirmation he was looking for, settled him into the bathroom with a hug, applied neosporin, and lovingly wrapped that bandaid around his toe. I figured the bandaid would stay on for about 2 minutes but the love he felt from me caring would last all day.
As I did this, I felt like a really good mom. I thought, this is how I want to be remembered by my kids. And I thought about all the great memories I have of my mom. How she would sit in the kitchen and eat grapes and listen to Dr. Dobson every day at 11:30am. And how on her days off she would fold laundry and bake cookies and meet us at the door with a smile and a hug. In the summer she would sit on the porch swing and watch us play while drinking iced tea in our plastic blue cups. She would sit at the piano and play hymns and sing and tell us that she really wasn't that good at playing piano - but she was always better than me.
And that's how I want my kids to remember me. To have a bank in their mind full of great memories of a mom that loved them and love to be with them. My mom never had a phone in her hand, because ours was still attached to the wall and other than talking, you couldn't do anything cool with it. Even now my mom really only uses her phone to talk to people, sometimes text. We always knew that when mom was talking to us, she was really talking to us. There was no wondering if she was preoccupied with another conversation on the side. She wasn't always looking at her phone. When she helped us with homework she helped us with homework. When she stayed up until midnight waiting for us to be home by curfew and then chatted for another hour afterwards - she was really present, tired but present.
I want to be present for my kids.
Contrast my vision of awesomeness with a little reality check. Yesterday morning my adorably grown up seven year old cooked scrambled eggs and pancakes for everyone once again (frozen pancakes, toaster oven reheated). She said "I'm the mom!" I laughed and questioned "Oh, what am I then?" her reply stung, but you can't get hurt by childhood honesty - she replied "You're the kid that's always on your phone."
And is it true? kind of. Am I doing something important on my phone? maybe. Am I conversing with a friend? probably. Do my children know that they are still the most important thing in my life? I don't think so. Not when my phone is always around. Not when I don't look at them while they are talking to me. Not when they don't know what I'm doing on my phone, but it must be important since I'm always looking at it.
Hmmmm, do I need to throw my phone away? No. But when I sit down and have a big long talk with my girls about active listening, I have to ask myself 'Am I actively listening to others? Or have my children gained their poor listening and poor communication skills from a lifetime of watching me?'
Food for thought tonight. It is pretty funny how a year and a half ago, before I got my first smart phone, this never would have even been an issue. My phone had no value then other than talking and reading a text here and there.
Now, I have to learn how to break all of the bad habits - and protect my family.
7.15.2015
In this season....
I struggle so much in this life with doing big, being big. I want to be that person whose ministry is making a difference. I want to make a difference. But these days all I can do is just live. To make it through this day. I can't even organize my thoughts as to what I would do to make a difference, there are just too many needs. And how could I make a difference? I am just one person with no extra time. Actually, I am representative of 5 people with no extra time. (And I just spilled milk on my jeans.) I have to remind myself regularly that I cannot do all things. I must do what I can do; well. Raising my kids. Supporting my husband. Fulfilling our call to expand our family through adoption. Homeschooling. Youth ministry. There it is; my plate is full. I can do those things well right now, with God's help.
I wrote in my daughter's journal this morning that we go through seasons of our lives. There is a season for working, volunteering, creating, but this season right here is for loving and raising these babies. And that is a good thing. It isn't an easy season, it's the kind that earns you time alone when your husband gets home from work because you called him near tears with both toddlers screaming at you; demanding all of you at the exact same time. It is the kind of season that breeds lots of laughter and silly faces and funny games. It is the season when you teach a two year old and a three year old that they have to share, and you teach a seven year old just how valuable and important she is even though her world is overrun with irrational siblings. It is the kind of season when you laugh and you cry; when you change more poopy diapers than you ever thought possible in a 2 hr time span. It is a hard and wonderful season and it may not feel like I'm doing anything big or changing the world, but I am changing their world so that they can do
big too.
I am in a season of multiplication and it is hard but good. Someday, someday... Someday there will be time for sitting and painting and praying and changing the lives of others outside of this tight knit little circle I live in, but not quite yet. A reminder from my devotions today Luke 16:10 “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”
I can be faithful with these littles right now.
7.08.2015
Is this what we call normal?
Yes, I think our lives are finally slipping into "normal". I wouldn't say that normal is always easy, but it is good to be here. Normal means that the transitional things we have noticed with Doron have either ceased or we now can expect them and work through them.
Doron has handled our transition back to church remarkably well and we are now in the process of transitioning back into youth ministry as adult leaders (our church has a youth pastor and several other adult leaders). This is still a bit tricky as we both have our life groups to work with and Doron cannot be without one of us in the nursery. Last week he handled life group "ok" and needed to go to the nursery during worship, so Aaron took nursery duty. Not sure if we will switch tonight or if Aaron will go again. After a long day at work Doron isn't much for leaving Aaron's side at night.
Aaron is still Doron's favorite but I get plenty of hugs, kisses and snuggles during the day too. Last night Aaron had had all three kids at his mom's house while I took a webinar. When they got home Doron yelled "Mama!" and ran up to me with his arms wide open. It was so sweet!
As Doron has gotten more comfortable with us we are seeing more of his little personality coming out. No longer is he quiet and timid but he has a lot to say and often we call his little language his Mandrish. We can tell he is trying to say something in English but it sounds like it is probably partly Mandarin. He has become a daring little boy who tests his limits with climbing ladders and chairs and trying to ride his sister's big bikes and his little (but still too big for him) bike; laughing the whole time. He is quick to smile and a tickle will bring on a fit of giggles that makes you never want to stop tickling him. He likes to be thrown by Daddy high up in the air and smiles a giant smile every time.
He is also a little stinker who will sometimes hit or bite his big sister, Zizi. Sadly, its usually her who gets hit or bit. She is still taking it well, although she did go through a phase when if he came near her she would run away screaming. Mostly the two of them play really well together but there are also days like today when Z does NOT want to share her Mommy and Doron does NOT know what he wants so everybody cries and screams (sometimes Mommy cries too... I try not to scream, that usually makes things worse). Naptime has finally settled itself out. Z watches an episode of Octonauts or Clifford... or whatever her favorite show this week is and Doron snuggles up on my shoulder and quickly falls asleep. Then Z goes down pretty easily too. I am thankful we found a system.
Am has been so busy this summer playing with her best friend whenever possible. It seems we hardly see her; just glimpses as they run between houses. Doron thinks Am's best friend is also one of his sisters and he calls her Jie Jie as well. It's pretty adorable.
This is an amazing time in our lives - crazy busy and difficult - but really amazing.
Doron has handled our transition back to church remarkably well and we are now in the process of transitioning back into youth ministry as adult leaders (our church has a youth pastor and several other adult leaders). This is still a bit tricky as we both have our life groups to work with and Doron cannot be without one of us in the nursery. Last week he handled life group "ok" and needed to go to the nursery during worship, so Aaron took nursery duty. Not sure if we will switch tonight or if Aaron will go again. After a long day at work Doron isn't much for leaving Aaron's side at night.
Aaron is still Doron's favorite but I get plenty of hugs, kisses and snuggles during the day too. Last night Aaron had had all three kids at his mom's house while I took a webinar. When they got home Doron yelled "Mama!" and ran up to me with his arms wide open. It was so sweet!
As Doron has gotten more comfortable with us we are seeing more of his little personality coming out. No longer is he quiet and timid but he has a lot to say and often we call his little language his Mandrish. We can tell he is trying to say something in English but it sounds like it is probably partly Mandarin. He has become a daring little boy who tests his limits with climbing ladders and chairs and trying to ride his sister's big bikes and his little (but still too big for him) bike; laughing the whole time. He is quick to smile and a tickle will bring on a fit of giggles that makes you never want to stop tickling him. He likes to be thrown by Daddy high up in the air and smiles a giant smile every time.
He is also a little stinker who will sometimes hit or bite his big sister, Zizi. Sadly, its usually her who gets hit or bit. She is still taking it well, although she did go through a phase when if he came near her she would run away screaming. Mostly the two of them play really well together but there are also days like today when Z does NOT want to share her Mommy and Doron does NOT know what he wants so everybody cries and screams (sometimes Mommy cries too... I try not to scream, that usually makes things worse). Naptime has finally settled itself out. Z watches an episode of Octonauts or Clifford... or whatever her favorite show this week is and Doron snuggles up on my shoulder and quickly falls asleep. Then Z goes down pretty easily too. I am thankful we found a system.
Am has been so busy this summer playing with her best friend whenever possible. It seems we hardly see her; just glimpses as they run between houses. Doron thinks Am's best friend is also one of his sisters and he calls her Jie Jie as well. It's pretty adorable.
This is an amazing time in our lives - crazy busy and difficult - but really amazing.
6.02.2015
Adoption Journey: Our trip to China Part 1
We have been home from China for 3 days now and yesterday marked two weeks as a family of five. There is so much I could write and say, there is so much beautiful and so much perfection and yet his little life is so fragile.
I've always known from living in the world of infertility and pregnancy loss that suggesting an infertile "just adopt" was about the most taboo thing you could say. And I respected it, I honored it, even if at the time I didn't quite understand it.
This past year has been an incredible journey for us full of ups and downs, twists and turns. There have been moments of anxiety and fear, and moments of joy and hope and purpose. We read books and watched what felt like endless hours of videos all in preparation of the great unknown of bringing a wounded child into our family. We prepared ourselves because we knew his heart had been hurt but to what degree we may never know. The hurts that have filled his tiny life he might not even understand, and if he does he might not ever know how to express.
On the other side of the coin, we entered into this process with excitement and anticipation, but also with trepidation knowing that the journey God was calling us into would be wonderful but difficult. There would be tears of joy, but many tears of sadness as we try desperately to navigate our little one through a world that to this point has caused him much pain.
Even up to our leaving for China it felt completely surreal. I would sit and wonder if this was really happening. As we packed bags, bought gifts, confirmed our flights, prepared and prepared and prepared - I wondered the whole time, were we really about to become parents again?
The night before we were set to leave, at 8 pm - when we were scheduled to fly out at 5:45 the following morning, my phone lit up with a text from our airline that our flight had been cancelled. They had immediately put us on a different flight to Chicago, effectively missing our flight to Beijing by 1 hour. We spent the next hour frantically coming up with a plan B, and at 7am the next morning we packed up our minivan and drove to Chicago to catch our flight to Beijing... because living in a small community means cancelling flights just because.
The first 10 months of our journey were easy - difficult because of lots of paperwork, but everything always fit right into place. The last 5 months were frustrating when there was delay after delay in our travel to meet our son. Even up to the very last night.
Our flight to China was incredibly easy. Am had a child's meal which meant her food was infinitely better than the rest of ours and she raved about how nice the flight staff was. And they really were, so she was right on there. All the way to China it felt like a dream... felt like I was sitting in a car for 13 hours to go on a dream vacation. Being in Beijing felt like visiting a big city and us and several other families kept commenting, even as we stood on the Great Wall of China that it didn't feel like we were in China. It felt like we were on a really awesome vacation.
I think that going to Beijing for the first 3 days of our adoption trip was one of the best decisions we could have made. They keep you so ridiculously busy that there is no way you have a chance to stop and realize just how jetlagged you are. You just run on adrenaline as you are shown the great history and culture of your child's birth country. The people of China are so nice and the beauty of the country really overwhelmed me. It saddened me to see a people and culture so beautiful, a family structure deep and strong, but yet know how unfree they are. In the few people we talked to who spoke English that was there comment. They liked the freedoms of America but they loved their country. And to be honest, in a way, we fell in love with their country as well.
Throughout our time in Beijing I constantly wondered if we were really on this trip to bring home our son or if this was all just a ruse. What if there had been a mistake and we really didn't have a child waiting for us? What if they brought us the wrong one? What if all of this was not the end of this journey and we went home empty handed?
Flying to our son's city was quite possibly the best feeling ever. Taking pictures of our first glimpse of Nanjing and knowing that within 24 hours he would be in our arms forever - that was amazing.
The story could continue on forever, and I will finish this another day - but here we are at the climax of our story. The next steps start our newest journey, marking our first few days with our beautiful baby.
Having been home 3 days now and feeling the effects of jetlag worse than ever, my heart is stuck in melancholy. It is frustrating to say the least to be navigating these new challenges with exhaustion as my constant companion. All I want is to spend every waking moment fostering attachment with my new son, but I have to be patient and wait. I have to understand that his hesitation towards me, isn't me at all - it is a history of hurts that I will never fully understand.
I know now that suggesting that a childless family adopt is not appropriate because adoption is a calling, but I also now understand that adoption has always been a part of my calling. We will press on, treasure on, live on, seek on - desperate to secure in our little one a foundation of love, truth, and hope so that his future might be bright and his heart full.
I've always known from living in the world of infertility and pregnancy loss that suggesting an infertile "just adopt" was about the most taboo thing you could say. And I respected it, I honored it, even if at the time I didn't quite understand it.
This past year has been an incredible journey for us full of ups and downs, twists and turns. There have been moments of anxiety and fear, and moments of joy and hope and purpose. We read books and watched what felt like endless hours of videos all in preparation of the great unknown of bringing a wounded child into our family. We prepared ourselves because we knew his heart had been hurt but to what degree we may never know. The hurts that have filled his tiny life he might not even understand, and if he does he might not ever know how to express.
On the other side of the coin, we entered into this process with excitement and anticipation, but also with trepidation knowing that the journey God was calling us into would be wonderful but difficult. There would be tears of joy, but many tears of sadness as we try desperately to navigate our little one through a world that to this point has caused him much pain.
Even up to our leaving for China it felt completely surreal. I would sit and wonder if this was really happening. As we packed bags, bought gifts, confirmed our flights, prepared and prepared and prepared - I wondered the whole time, were we really about to become parents again?
The night before we were set to leave, at 8 pm - when we were scheduled to fly out at 5:45 the following morning, my phone lit up with a text from our airline that our flight had been cancelled. They had immediately put us on a different flight to Chicago, effectively missing our flight to Beijing by 1 hour. We spent the next hour frantically coming up with a plan B, and at 7am the next morning we packed up our minivan and drove to Chicago to catch our flight to Beijing... because living in a small community means cancelling flights just because.
The first 10 months of our journey were easy - difficult because of lots of paperwork, but everything always fit right into place. The last 5 months were frustrating when there was delay after delay in our travel to meet our son. Even up to the very last night.
Our flight to China was incredibly easy. Am had a child's meal which meant her food was infinitely better than the rest of ours and she raved about how nice the flight staff was. And they really were, so she was right on there. All the way to China it felt like a dream... felt like I was sitting in a car for 13 hours to go on a dream vacation. Being in Beijing felt like visiting a big city and us and several other families kept commenting, even as we stood on the Great Wall of China that it didn't feel like we were in China. It felt like we were on a really awesome vacation.
I think that going to Beijing for the first 3 days of our adoption trip was one of the best decisions we could have made. They keep you so ridiculously busy that there is no way you have a chance to stop and realize just how jetlagged you are. You just run on adrenaline as you are shown the great history and culture of your child's birth country. The people of China are so nice and the beauty of the country really overwhelmed me. It saddened me to see a people and culture so beautiful, a family structure deep and strong, but yet know how unfree they are. In the few people we talked to who spoke English that was there comment. They liked the freedoms of America but they loved their country. And to be honest, in a way, we fell in love with their country as well.
Throughout our time in Beijing I constantly wondered if we were really on this trip to bring home our son or if this was all just a ruse. What if there had been a mistake and we really didn't have a child waiting for us? What if they brought us the wrong one? What if all of this was not the end of this journey and we went home empty handed?
Flying to our son's city was quite possibly the best feeling ever. Taking pictures of our first glimpse of Nanjing and knowing that within 24 hours he would be in our arms forever - that was amazing.
The story could continue on forever, and I will finish this another day - but here we are at the climax of our story. The next steps start our newest journey, marking our first few days with our beautiful baby.
Having been home 3 days now and feeling the effects of jetlag worse than ever, my heart is stuck in melancholy. It is frustrating to say the least to be navigating these new challenges with exhaustion as my constant companion. All I want is to spend every waking moment fostering attachment with my new son, but I have to be patient and wait. I have to understand that his hesitation towards me, isn't me at all - it is a history of hurts that I will never fully understand.
I know now that suggesting that a childless family adopt is not appropriate because adoption is a calling, but I also now understand that adoption has always been a part of my calling. We will press on, treasure on, live on, seek on - desperate to secure in our little one a foundation of love, truth, and hope so that his future might be bright and his heart full.
3.05.2015
Emotions, Dates, and Other Thoughts
I'd like you to know that this is likely to be the most scattered blog post I've ever written. There, you've been warned - read on at your own risk. (and for my grammar friends, please ignore my incorrect usage of commas... and other major errors. For some reason I never could grasp the whole comma thing)
It is rare that I get coffee, even more rare that I get one at 9pm, so this is likely to only exacerbate the problem of scatterdness.
I often joke, or possibly try to joke, that I don't have much emotion, but infact I think the truth is that I have more emotion than I know how to handle, so I hold my emotions at arms length. I feel them, inside, but it is hard to let them out. It is hard for me to show people how I am really feeling inside. I hope you don't think I mean that I am fake, I mean that sometimes I can't even understand or put into words all that I am feeling, or that my words seem painfully inadequate, or that I want to have tears and I can't seem to find them in me. I see people with emotion all around me and I feel it, I just have a hard time showing it.
*******
This week has been full of emotions (and it isn't even over yet!) Some of the emotions I can't even describe but it was a difficult week. When we began our adoption process our mind couldn't concieve bringing home a child within 18 months of starting the process. It just wasn't likely. In January after recieving our LOA it became a possibility (ever so slight) that we would be able to travel in March, but most likely in April. Because of circumstances beyond anyone's control - we found out on Tuesday that our trip is now pushed back to May. This news felt like a sucker punch. It fell on an already difficult day that was only matched by the ice storm that ripped through our area. Today we recieved our travel confirmation! The trip is set and scheduled and we will be leaving mid-May to bring home our son! The news hits me with two major emotions at the same time, frustration because it was supposed to be April, and excitement that our trip is confirmed. We're going in May! We are so incredibly excited! But oh how our arms ache to hold our little boy.
********
Early in our adoption process I sat at the table sorting out files and documents and a whole assortment of paperwork. I am not even sure if we had even decided we would adopt from China yet. I remember sitting across from Aaron and looking up and saying "We need an adoption doula." I was so overwhelmed, I didn't even know where to start.
As a Birth Doula one of my roles is to help expectant parents navigate through their pregnancy as well as their labor and delivery. I work prenatally with clients to practice tools for dealing with the pain of labor, I provide resources to help them make educated and informed decisions during pregnancy and labor, and we come up with a birth plan so they can be prepared for their labor and delivery and the questions that often come up. And as a childbirth educator I make sure my clients are educated on what happens during pregnancy, labor, and delivery. I help establish bonds with them so that the birth partner feels included as well. I give the birth partner important tools to help him feel involved in the pregnancy, labor and birth.
I often joke that I relate most things in life to childbirth - and it is so true. I actually saw the face of the laboring woman in the effort it took my husband to put together his basketball hoop. I'm nuts when it comes to childbirth. (Consequently, my husband now views much of life the same way too. I have apparently rubbed off on him. When we were hiking last fall I came out from a crevice between two rocks to have my husband say "that totally looks like a uterus and birth canal - let me take your picture coming out of it!".... I have ruined him for life). *If you are reading this for the first time just getting to know me, please don't think I am strange or that I will talk to you about uterus' or show you pictures of babies being born... I mean, I totally would if we were in class together, but I restrain myself for the general public* - also, I am very tired right now, so my filter is pretty much gone.
Back to my original thought process -
I have been thinking lately about how this adoption process has felt like the longest pregnancy of my life. How our agency has been our doula, the CCCWA our care provider, and China our hospital. While in a pregnancy you can choose your care provider (and in some respects so have we), we took great great care in choosing our doula. We researched, we asked questions, we asked more questions, we hired one and fired one (in a nice way), and we found one we love.
I am so thankful for our agency, they have held our hand and walked us through this process in such an incredible way. Just like in pregnancy, they can't make all of our decisions for us. They can't do all the hard work (although to be honest, they do a lot more hard work for us than a doula can for her childbirth clients...). But they have been our advocate. They have provided resources and information. Help when we needed it. They are amazing.
******
In following with the theme of equating our adoption process to pregnancy, labor and birth...
In pregnancy you are given a due date, and your baby is born somewhere around that due date. You get your hopes up and excited and your due date comes and more often than not, baby doesn't. Moms are frustrated, they're tired, they have these crazy hormones racing through their body as their body prepares to labor and the waiting is just so hard. Your expectations were set. You thought baby was coming.
That's kind of how I feel right now. I knew baby coming early (March) wasn't likely - but I held out a glimmer of hope. I knew baby coming on time (April) was probable - but I kept a corner of my heart protected in case I was wrong. And today we got the official news, baby is coming late (May), very late in my opinion. My heart desperately wanted March or April.
The difference though, and this is what makes it the hardest. When you're pregnant and waiting for baby, you're still holding your baby. My arms are empty while we wait. And that makes me very sad. Each day he is away is one more day that he grows and his face changes, his personality changes, and we're missing it.
I look at Z and I can see how every day she changes a little bit more and what am I missing? I know that he is loved and cared for, but I miss him.
******
A few posts back (which might be awhile since I haven't been able to post much lately) I throughout the question of why we would adopt when we can't afford it.
It was a hard question to ask because I feel like it deserves an answer. A few people responded quite encouragingly to us, reminding us of the call God put on our hearts and our lives to adopt.
And I can't find an answer better than that one. Years ago, before I ever knew that having babies would be difficult for us, my heart was drawn to adoption. Before I ever met Aaron, I wanted it to be apart of my story. When Aaron and I were married we always bounced around the idea of adopting a child or children someday. We didn't even at that time understand what that would look like, or mean, we just knew we wanted to. Amazing how God can use a little "want to".
I feel the answer to the question is as simple as that. We know that God has already provided all that we need to bring home our son. We just haven't seen it yet. When he opened our eyes and our hearts to be willing, he provided.
Why are we adopting when we aren't incredibly wealthy people? Because we want to. Because God called us to. Because our hearts are forever attached to a little boy desperate for a forever family. We are his family. That's the answer.
Will we adopt again? I don't know. It is hard to think of anything past bringing home Doron right now. It is hard for us to have any idea what God has for us, because none of our journey has been what we would have pictured it to be.
My greatest fear is that people will think we chose adoption because having biological children is too difficult for us. No, that's not it. There are days and moments where I might have felt that that was it - that adoption was easier than experiencing loss over and over again - but deep down, that is not the reason we chose to adopt.
We have chosen adoption because this is what God called us to do. This is his heart, and he has made it ours too.
******
I went to see The Dropbox movie tonight. I was gripped throughout the whole film. I felt like I couldn't move, my heart just overwhelmed. In it was a woman that I admire. It took me by surprise really, I didn't know she would be in the movie. Last summer I opened a letter and in it was a picture of this woman holding a little boy, and my heart did a little flip flop. I looked up and a woman in her mid-60's rode past me on a bicycle. And I thought 'who am I going to be when I'm that age?' I was holding in my hand a photo of a woman who has given her life to help the orphans, and saw before me the image of what I thought I wanted for my retired life; to ride my bike through my small town, to worry about my garden, my friends, and my grandchildren. There is nothing wrong with that idea, but what I really want is to be making a difference in the lives of children who have no one else.
God has given me such a gift with Amariss, Zemirah, and Doron. I cannnot imagine not sharing the love he has given with so many more children.
*****
If you stuck through this post until the end, wow, you amaze me. I wanted to split it up into more than one post, but I am fairly certain (based on my track record) it's going to be awhile before I can put another post together. Maybe I'll surprise myself, but I haven't been very consistent.
As you can see I have a lot of emotion running through me right now. And so much more that I just can't share right now.
Thank you for praying for our family, for being a part of our journey.
God bless,
Brie
It is rare that I get coffee, even more rare that I get one at 9pm, so this is likely to only exacerbate the problem of scatterdness.
I often joke, or possibly try to joke, that I don't have much emotion, but infact I think the truth is that I have more emotion than I know how to handle, so I hold my emotions at arms length. I feel them, inside, but it is hard to let them out. It is hard for me to show people how I am really feeling inside. I hope you don't think I mean that I am fake, I mean that sometimes I can't even understand or put into words all that I am feeling, or that my words seem painfully inadequate, or that I want to have tears and I can't seem to find them in me. I see people with emotion all around me and I feel it, I just have a hard time showing it.
*******
This week has been full of emotions (and it isn't even over yet!) Some of the emotions I can't even describe but it was a difficult week. When we began our adoption process our mind couldn't concieve bringing home a child within 18 months of starting the process. It just wasn't likely. In January after recieving our LOA it became a possibility (ever so slight) that we would be able to travel in March, but most likely in April. Because of circumstances beyond anyone's control - we found out on Tuesday that our trip is now pushed back to May. This news felt like a sucker punch. It fell on an already difficult day that was only matched by the ice storm that ripped through our area. Today we recieved our travel confirmation! The trip is set and scheduled and we will be leaving mid-May to bring home our son! The news hits me with two major emotions at the same time, frustration because it was supposed to be April, and excitement that our trip is confirmed. We're going in May! We are so incredibly excited! But oh how our arms ache to hold our little boy.
********
Early in our adoption process I sat at the table sorting out files and documents and a whole assortment of paperwork. I am not even sure if we had even decided we would adopt from China yet. I remember sitting across from Aaron and looking up and saying "We need an adoption doula." I was so overwhelmed, I didn't even know where to start.
As a Birth Doula one of my roles is to help expectant parents navigate through their pregnancy as well as their labor and delivery. I work prenatally with clients to practice tools for dealing with the pain of labor, I provide resources to help them make educated and informed decisions during pregnancy and labor, and we come up with a birth plan so they can be prepared for their labor and delivery and the questions that often come up. And as a childbirth educator I make sure my clients are educated on what happens during pregnancy, labor, and delivery. I help establish bonds with them so that the birth partner feels included as well. I give the birth partner important tools to help him feel involved in the pregnancy, labor and birth.
I often joke that I relate most things in life to childbirth - and it is so true. I actually saw the face of the laboring woman in the effort it took my husband to put together his basketball hoop. I'm nuts when it comes to childbirth. (Consequently, my husband now views much of life the same way too. I have apparently rubbed off on him. When we were hiking last fall I came out from a crevice between two rocks to have my husband say "that totally looks like a uterus and birth canal - let me take your picture coming out of it!".... I have ruined him for life). *If you are reading this for the first time just getting to know me, please don't think I am strange or that I will talk to you about uterus' or show you pictures of babies being born... I mean, I totally would if we were in class together, but I restrain myself for the general public* - also, I am very tired right now, so my filter is pretty much gone.
Back to my original thought process -
I have been thinking lately about how this adoption process has felt like the longest pregnancy of my life. How our agency has been our doula, the CCCWA our care provider, and China our hospital. While in a pregnancy you can choose your care provider (and in some respects so have we), we took great great care in choosing our doula. We researched, we asked questions, we asked more questions, we hired one and fired one (in a nice way), and we found one we love.
I am so thankful for our agency, they have held our hand and walked us through this process in such an incredible way. Just like in pregnancy, they can't make all of our decisions for us. They can't do all the hard work (although to be honest, they do a lot more hard work for us than a doula can for her childbirth clients...). But they have been our advocate. They have provided resources and information. Help when we needed it. They are amazing.
******
In following with the theme of equating our adoption process to pregnancy, labor and birth...
In pregnancy you are given a due date, and your baby is born somewhere around that due date. You get your hopes up and excited and your due date comes and more often than not, baby doesn't. Moms are frustrated, they're tired, they have these crazy hormones racing through their body as their body prepares to labor and the waiting is just so hard. Your expectations were set. You thought baby was coming.
That's kind of how I feel right now. I knew baby coming early (March) wasn't likely - but I held out a glimmer of hope. I knew baby coming on time (April) was probable - but I kept a corner of my heart protected in case I was wrong. And today we got the official news, baby is coming late (May), very late in my opinion. My heart desperately wanted March or April.
The difference though, and this is what makes it the hardest. When you're pregnant and waiting for baby, you're still holding your baby. My arms are empty while we wait. And that makes me very sad. Each day he is away is one more day that he grows and his face changes, his personality changes, and we're missing it.
I look at Z and I can see how every day she changes a little bit more and what am I missing? I know that he is loved and cared for, but I miss him.
******
A few posts back (which might be awhile since I haven't been able to post much lately) I throughout the question of why we would adopt when we can't afford it.
It was a hard question to ask because I feel like it deserves an answer. A few people responded quite encouragingly to us, reminding us of the call God put on our hearts and our lives to adopt.
And I can't find an answer better than that one. Years ago, before I ever knew that having babies would be difficult for us, my heart was drawn to adoption. Before I ever met Aaron, I wanted it to be apart of my story. When Aaron and I were married we always bounced around the idea of adopting a child or children someday. We didn't even at that time understand what that would look like, or mean, we just knew we wanted to. Amazing how God can use a little "want to".
I feel the answer to the question is as simple as that. We know that God has already provided all that we need to bring home our son. We just haven't seen it yet. When he opened our eyes and our hearts to be willing, he provided.
Why are we adopting when we aren't incredibly wealthy people? Because we want to. Because God called us to. Because our hearts are forever attached to a little boy desperate for a forever family. We are his family. That's the answer.
Will we adopt again? I don't know. It is hard to think of anything past bringing home Doron right now. It is hard for us to have any idea what God has for us, because none of our journey has been what we would have pictured it to be.
My greatest fear is that people will think we chose adoption because having biological children is too difficult for us. No, that's not it. There are days and moments where I might have felt that that was it - that adoption was easier than experiencing loss over and over again - but deep down, that is not the reason we chose to adopt.
We have chosen adoption because this is what God called us to do. This is his heart, and he has made it ours too.
******
I went to see The Dropbox movie tonight. I was gripped throughout the whole film. I felt like I couldn't move, my heart just overwhelmed. In it was a woman that I admire. It took me by surprise really, I didn't know she would be in the movie. Last summer I opened a letter and in it was a picture of this woman holding a little boy, and my heart did a little flip flop. I looked up and a woman in her mid-60's rode past me on a bicycle. And I thought 'who am I going to be when I'm that age?' I was holding in my hand a photo of a woman who has given her life to help the orphans, and saw before me the image of what I thought I wanted for my retired life; to ride my bike through my small town, to worry about my garden, my friends, and my grandchildren. There is nothing wrong with that idea, but what I really want is to be making a difference in the lives of children who have no one else.
God has given me such a gift with Amariss, Zemirah, and Doron. I cannnot imagine not sharing the love he has given with so many more children.
*****
If you stuck through this post until the end, wow, you amaze me. I wanted to split it up into more than one post, but I am fairly certain (based on my track record) it's going to be awhile before I can put another post together. Maybe I'll surprise myself, but I haven't been very consistent.
As you can see I have a lot of emotion running through me right now. And so much more that I just can't share right now.
Thank you for praying for our family, for being a part of our journey.
God bless,
Brie
1.28.2015
Life, Updates, Steps Forward
I left the social media world on Sunday evening. I said my internal goodbye's and prepared myself for 3 days without Facebook.
You're laughing.
I know. I know. I know exactly how it sounds. A stay-at-home mom, addicted to Facebook, and blogs, and Instagram... and everything else that keeps her connected to the rest of the world. It's almost cliche. Well, it is a little true. Our church entered 3 days of prayer and fasting, and my husband asked me to give up social media.
It was difficult that first day, and the second... and the third... I even dreamed about accidentally getting on Facebook on my phone. I would check my email and have to not absentmindedly click on Facebook. I know the truths about it all - I know that it's easy to get sucked in to. How one article shared just starts you on a vicious cycle clinging to news stories. Yes, I get my news from Facebook.
Anyway - it really is all besides the point. These 3 days were liberating, and the conversation I missed in the van on the way home because I was finally able to peruse Facebook, was dissappointing. I need to be more aware of my surroundings, less caring of the goings on in other people's lives, focusing on the happenings around me and my family. These littles are growing up way to fast.
One of our youth students preached an absolutely astounding - phenmonenal out of this world message tonight. She really opened herself up to be vulnerable and let the Holy Spirit use her. Wow.
Sunday morning, our Pastor preached an amazing message. My heart began a much needed healing and my spirit a much needed awakening.
God is doing an incredible thing. He is moving in incredible ways. I can't wait to see how this story unfolds.
Monday morning I settled in with my lovelies to spend the morning with them, and take some time with Jesus. Monday afternoon we received in the mail an amazing part of adoption news. I mean it was so exciting, it was like Christmas. For Christmas we got our LOA, for January we got our I-800 provisional approval! (It's okay that you don't know what that means!) This is a HUGE piece of our puzzle!! We our now waiting on our NVC letter so we can file our DS-260! Still confusing words... but our time is drawing near!! Those dates of March or April?? That's for real. We'll be going to China in March or April of this year to bring home our son. It doesn't even seem real, yet it does seem so real...
I have been nesting up a storm! Cleaning out stuff we don't need, trying to rearrange. Seriously. You didn't think you could nest if you weren't physically pregnant? Oh, you can. It's the strangest thing.
Monday night as we were headed to bed I checked my email quickly and hidden between unnecessary advertisements was our Update. We have been waiting since November to receive our update on our little boy. In our update we were gifted with a video!! And we watch it over and over and over again. We cannot wait to bring him home!!
So, we have been on cloud nine since Monday. It's like floating on surreal air, and we're only going to float some more!
With getting closer to leaving though, we know we are getting closer to needing more money! We know that God is going to provide, but how - he is mysterious.
Last week I was worried about our finances. We had been running into one road block after another, and I was overwhelmed with how we would ever have enough to bring home our baby. I recieved a check in the mail from a medical bill I had overpaid and I felt like it was God confirming, that he has it all taken care of. The next day I recieved another check, this one mine returned to me becuase I had already paid that bill. Another reminder that he is watching over us. Neither of the checks were for more than a few dollars, but it brought me the peace I needed to continue to trust in his faithfulness.
We are so excited about the next few weeks. We have so much to continue doing but we are so very very excited! Thank you all for praying for us and believing with us. And for all who have donated, your generosity is blowing us away. Our hearts are just overwhelmed with all that you are doing for us. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
You're laughing.
I know. I know. I know exactly how it sounds. A stay-at-home mom, addicted to Facebook, and blogs, and Instagram... and everything else that keeps her connected to the rest of the world. It's almost cliche. Well, it is a little true. Our church entered 3 days of prayer and fasting, and my husband asked me to give up social media.
It was difficult that first day, and the second... and the third... I even dreamed about accidentally getting on Facebook on my phone. I would check my email and have to not absentmindedly click on Facebook. I know the truths about it all - I know that it's easy to get sucked in to. How one article shared just starts you on a vicious cycle clinging to news stories. Yes, I get my news from Facebook.
Anyway - it really is all besides the point. These 3 days were liberating, and the conversation I missed in the van on the way home because I was finally able to peruse Facebook, was dissappointing. I need to be more aware of my surroundings, less caring of the goings on in other people's lives, focusing on the happenings around me and my family. These littles are growing up way to fast.
One of our youth students preached an absolutely astounding - phenmonenal out of this world message tonight. She really opened herself up to be vulnerable and let the Holy Spirit use her. Wow.
Sunday morning, our Pastor preached an amazing message. My heart began a much needed healing and my spirit a much needed awakening.
God is doing an incredible thing. He is moving in incredible ways. I can't wait to see how this story unfolds.
Monday morning I settled in with my lovelies to spend the morning with them, and take some time with Jesus. Monday afternoon we received in the mail an amazing part of adoption news. I mean it was so exciting, it was like Christmas. For Christmas we got our LOA, for January we got our I-800 provisional approval! (It's okay that you don't know what that means!) This is a HUGE piece of our puzzle!! We our now waiting on our NVC letter so we can file our DS-260! Still confusing words... but our time is drawing near!! Those dates of March or April?? That's for real. We'll be going to China in March or April of this year to bring home our son. It doesn't even seem real, yet it does seem so real...
I have been nesting up a storm! Cleaning out stuff we don't need, trying to rearrange. Seriously. You didn't think you could nest if you weren't physically pregnant? Oh, you can. It's the strangest thing.
Monday night as we were headed to bed I checked my email quickly and hidden between unnecessary advertisements was our Update. We have been waiting since November to receive our update on our little boy. In our update we were gifted with a video!! And we watch it over and over and over again. We cannot wait to bring him home!!
So, we have been on cloud nine since Monday. It's like floating on surreal air, and we're only going to float some more!
With getting closer to leaving though, we know we are getting closer to needing more money! We know that God is going to provide, but how - he is mysterious.
Last week I was worried about our finances. We had been running into one road block after another, and I was overwhelmed with how we would ever have enough to bring home our baby. I recieved a check in the mail from a medical bill I had overpaid and I felt like it was God confirming, that he has it all taken care of. The next day I recieved another check, this one mine returned to me becuase I had already paid that bill. Another reminder that he is watching over us. Neither of the checks were for more than a few dollars, but it brought me the peace I needed to continue to trust in his faithfulness.
We are so excited about the next few weeks. We have so much to continue doing but we are so very very excited! Thank you all for praying for us and believing with us. And for all who have donated, your generosity is blowing us away. Our hearts are just overwhelmed with all that you are doing for us. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
1.06.2015
Finish Strong
It's time for the traditional blogger New Year post! And in true "Brie" fashion, I am only 6 days late!
Last year at the new year we were really confused. We had excitedly started the adoption process and then thrown a curveball with an unexpected pregnancy that ended quickly in our 8th miscarriage. We spent the holidays trying to decide what to do when January came, and when that happened - we were no closer to knowing what to do. My husband entered 21 days of prayer and fasting, and by the end, we were still without a solid "answer". So with trepidation, and knowing God would lead our steps, we decided to return to the domestic adoption process, and as quickly as we tried to restart, God closed the door. It was exactly what we needed, an answer.
In early March we submitted our application to begin adopting from China, by June we had completed all the initial paperwork and classes and were starting our homestudy. Our summer was crazy, but by August we had completed our homestudy and were working on our dossier. It was the middle of September when an email of special focus children brought our son to our eyes and he stole our hearts. We were matched, sent our LOI and had our dossier to China by the end of October, and then we waited.
I had prayed so desperately that we would recieve our LOA for Christmas, but I knew 2-4 mo from DTC (Dossier to China) was Dec 31. And on December 29 while trying to get Z out of the trunk of the van, my phone rang our LOA had arrived! There it was, our Christmas gift!
Now here we are, January of a new year, so different from last January. We can see the finish line, but we haven't reached it yet. It reminds me of running with my good friends Susan and Leisha. At the end of every run when I can see where we finish I usually sprint to the end and proudly exclaim "I won!" (Which is a matter of joking between us because they usually have slowed their pace significantly for me to be able to run with them). But it is how I finish every race I run, with a sprint because inside I want to be like "oh okay, we made it to the end, I'm done now." But I haven't actually made it to the end. Sort of like the tortoise and the hare, start out strong and piddle out in the end.
Here we are, sprinting to bring home Doron, only this race - we can't piddle out on. This race we have to finish because our son lays in the balance.
I'm praying that this sets a presedence for me this year. I want to finish the goals and tasks I set before myself. Ambition gets you started but its dedication and perseverance that help you finish and finish strong.
May this be a year of beautiful beginnings and well run races for you as well!
Last year at the new year we were really confused. We had excitedly started the adoption process and then thrown a curveball with an unexpected pregnancy that ended quickly in our 8th miscarriage. We spent the holidays trying to decide what to do when January came, and when that happened - we were no closer to knowing what to do. My husband entered 21 days of prayer and fasting, and by the end, we were still without a solid "answer". So with trepidation, and knowing God would lead our steps, we decided to return to the domestic adoption process, and as quickly as we tried to restart, God closed the door. It was exactly what we needed, an answer.
In early March we submitted our application to begin adopting from China, by June we had completed all the initial paperwork and classes and were starting our homestudy. Our summer was crazy, but by August we had completed our homestudy and were working on our dossier. It was the middle of September when an email of special focus children brought our son to our eyes and he stole our hearts. We were matched, sent our LOI and had our dossier to China by the end of October, and then we waited.
I had prayed so desperately that we would recieve our LOA for Christmas, but I knew 2-4 mo from DTC (Dossier to China) was Dec 31. And on December 29 while trying to get Z out of the trunk of the van, my phone rang our LOA had arrived! There it was, our Christmas gift!
Now here we are, January of a new year, so different from last January. We can see the finish line, but we haven't reached it yet. It reminds me of running with my good friends Susan and Leisha. At the end of every run when I can see where we finish I usually sprint to the end and proudly exclaim "I won!" (Which is a matter of joking between us because they usually have slowed their pace significantly for me to be able to run with them). But it is how I finish every race I run, with a sprint because inside I want to be like "oh okay, we made it to the end, I'm done now." But I haven't actually made it to the end. Sort of like the tortoise and the hare, start out strong and piddle out in the end.
Here we are, sprinting to bring home Doron, only this race - we can't piddle out on. This race we have to finish because our son lays in the balance.
I'm praying that this sets a presedence for me this year. I want to finish the goals and tasks I set before myself. Ambition gets you started but its dedication and perseverance that help you finish and finish strong.
May this be a year of beautiful beginnings and well run races for you as well!
Hebrews 12:1-2New International Version (NIV)
12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
12.03.2014
Don't Forget Your Joy
As I sit here at 4:18, typing quickly before the children decide they are incapable of playing by themselves upstairs and they ambush me with pleas to play on the computer, I'm trying desperate to suck in these few moments of peace. deep breaths, relax...
only 4 hrs till bed time, well technically only an hr and a half until we leave for church. I can do this. Praise God for church tonight (literally, we'll praise God and THANK YOU, GOD, SO MUCH FOR CHURCH NURSERY STAFF!!! Tonight, I may kiss you.) Of course, our toddler isn't in love with your belly button and her pull up will be on the whole time, so I'm sure you'll tell me she was an angel, just like always - but for me - tonight - you're the angel.
It's been a day that started out so wonderful! Zemirah pooped in the potty, TWICE! Both times on her own without any prompting from me. And then we mixed cookie dough together, I even spoke kindly to my children the whole time. It was 11:30 though and I needed to go pick up potatoes from a friend so that we could have dinner tonight. So, instead of starting another batch of cookies, we headed over there.
When we got home, I forgot to ask Z to use the potty... and then, her bladder forgot to use the potty. So her ballet leotard (the most prized of all clothing items) had to go in the wash, and Mommy had to clean up pee..off the couch...off the clean laundry...
Z went down for a nap. I broke my "no movies before 3pm on school days" rule and let Am watch a movie so I could clean up the kitchen and take a shower. But then I got sucked into Am's movie, Am went to the library with Grandma, I quick paid a bill and jumped in the shower. But Z woke up, and joined me in the shower. So I forgot to wash my body. Then we cut out our cookies from the dough we made earlier in the day. But POWDERED SUGAR IS JUST SO MUCH FUN, the kids thought. So, Amariss would rub her hands in it and clap fervently to make it snow. And mommy started to lose it.
The cookies are baked, today really hasn't been so awful. Infact so many people have had worse days than me so far. I was celebrating our wins; poop in the potty, cookies baked, some cookies broken so we get to eat them! and then came the cry from upstairs.
MOOOOOMMMMMYYYYY!!!!! ZEMIRAH POOPED ON THE FLOOR!!!!!
I grabbed a pack of wipes and went upstairs and found a toddler squatting on the floor in full on poop position. "Zizi, we don't poop on the floor, we poop in the potty." I calmly stated. I stood her up and guided her out of the way. She stepped in it (oh no! I panicked inside) she stepped down. Trying to stay as calm as possible I cleaned off her foot and sent her on her way to clean up the turds staring me in the face. Before I knew it she sat down, and a messy poo butt smeared across more carpet. My heart sank. It's a never ending battle. Then she said "Mommy, I peed on that blue chair!" oh, great.
I sit here, calmed down, being fed plastic baby hands by the toddler who commited the above offense. She's so sweet, so cute. Asks adorable questions over and over and over again. She brought me a baby in a box as a present. If you could hear her sweet voice you would just smile with delight. She is such a joy to our lives. I can't let frustrating days, or frustrating moments steal away my joy in my position as a mother.
Sometimes it is so very hard. I don't like finding myself on my knees cleaning up more pee, more poop, more spilled sugar or flour. I don't like recleaning a mess because I wanted my oldest to learn how to clean it up the first time. In a moment of frustration tonight I spouted off to my husband that I was just so jealous of him, getting to leave the house and have someone else clean up the big messes. (in all honesty, poop really freaks him out, so it's probably for the best that this is usually my job)...
I don't want to lose my joy. I don't want to lose the ache I felt in my heart during the first few days of this sweet girls life in my womb of pleading "God, please, let me keep her!!"
Toddler twos and threes can be so hard, so trying, so exhausting... but in there somewhere is a sweet kiss (but don't try for two!), a sweet smell, a sweet snuggle. It might drive me nuts that she loves my bellybutton when I'm trying to run around the kitchen and she's following me with a hand up my shirt. But, she only wants my bellybutton, and that is a sweet blessing.
She just found her wings that she's been looking for for days. Her sweet voice "I found my wings! I found my wings! I'm flying! It's working! It's working!" oh sweet Z, I love you.
only 4 hrs till bed time, well technically only an hr and a half until we leave for church. I can do this. Praise God for church tonight (literally, we'll praise God and THANK YOU, GOD, SO MUCH FOR CHURCH NURSERY STAFF!!! Tonight, I may kiss you.) Of course, our toddler isn't in love with your belly button and her pull up will be on the whole time, so I'm sure you'll tell me she was an angel, just like always - but for me - tonight - you're the angel.
It's been a day that started out so wonderful! Zemirah pooped in the potty, TWICE! Both times on her own without any prompting from me. And then we mixed cookie dough together, I even spoke kindly to my children the whole time. It was 11:30 though and I needed to go pick up potatoes from a friend so that we could have dinner tonight. So, instead of starting another batch of cookies, we headed over there.
When we got home, I forgot to ask Z to use the potty... and then, her bladder forgot to use the potty. So her ballet leotard (the most prized of all clothing items) had to go in the wash, and Mommy had to clean up pee..off the couch...off the clean laundry...
Z went down for a nap. I broke my "no movies before 3pm on school days" rule and let Am watch a movie so I could clean up the kitchen and take a shower. But then I got sucked into Am's movie, Am went to the library with Grandma, I quick paid a bill and jumped in the shower. But Z woke up, and joined me in the shower. So I forgot to wash my body. Then we cut out our cookies from the dough we made earlier in the day. But POWDERED SUGAR IS JUST SO MUCH FUN, the kids thought. So, Amariss would rub her hands in it and clap fervently to make it snow. And mommy started to lose it.
The cookies are baked, today really hasn't been so awful. Infact so many people have had worse days than me so far. I was celebrating our wins; poop in the potty, cookies baked, some cookies broken so we get to eat them! and then came the cry from upstairs.
MOOOOOMMMMMYYYYY!!!!! ZEMIRAH POOPED ON THE FLOOR!!!!!
I grabbed a pack of wipes and went upstairs and found a toddler squatting on the floor in full on poop position. "Zizi, we don't poop on the floor, we poop in the potty." I calmly stated. I stood her up and guided her out of the way. She stepped in it (oh no! I panicked inside) she stepped down. Trying to stay as calm as possible I cleaned off her foot and sent her on her way to clean up the turds staring me in the face. Before I knew it she sat down, and a messy poo butt smeared across more carpet. My heart sank. It's a never ending battle. Then she said "Mommy, I peed on that blue chair!" oh, great.
I sit here, calmed down, being fed plastic baby hands by the toddler who commited the above offense. She's so sweet, so cute. Asks adorable questions over and over and over again. She brought me a baby in a box as a present. If you could hear her sweet voice you would just smile with delight. She is such a joy to our lives. I can't let frustrating days, or frustrating moments steal away my joy in my position as a mother.
Sometimes it is so very hard. I don't like finding myself on my knees cleaning up more pee, more poop, more spilled sugar or flour. I don't like recleaning a mess because I wanted my oldest to learn how to clean it up the first time. In a moment of frustration tonight I spouted off to my husband that I was just so jealous of him, getting to leave the house and have someone else clean up the big messes. (in all honesty, poop really freaks him out, so it's probably for the best that this is usually my job)...
I don't want to lose my joy. I don't want to lose the ache I felt in my heart during the first few days of this sweet girls life in my womb of pleading "God, please, let me keep her!!"
Toddler twos and threes can be so hard, so trying, so exhausting... but in there somewhere is a sweet kiss (but don't try for two!), a sweet smell, a sweet snuggle. It might drive me nuts that she loves my bellybutton when I'm trying to run around the kitchen and she's following me with a hand up my shirt. But, she only wants my bellybutton, and that is a sweet blessing.
She just found her wings that she's been looking for for days. Her sweet voice "I found my wings! I found my wings! I'm flying! It's working! It's working!" oh sweet Z, I love you.
8.07.2014
Summer Fun...
It has been an absolutely crazy busy summer for us. I can't believe that it is already August and some kids in our area will be starting school again next week. We started home schooling Am again, beginning in July. We have a busy school year ahead of us so we decided to get a jump start!
This summer we also have been working on our home study for our adoption. We have finished our home visits and are waiting now on the finalization of our home study!! This is so incredibly exciting for us and means we can start finishing our dossier for all of the necessary things it needs.
So far this summer we have experienced an unexpected gall bladder surgery, a trip to Arkansas for two weeks, 4 home study visits, A weekend visit with Aaron's Dad and his wife, and we began school in July! It has been so busy and summer isn't over yet! We still plan to hit the pool a few more times despite it being much more chilly than we expected it to be for summer and have a couple of more weekend vacations planned.
We are in the midst of our Freezer Full Adoption Fundraiser and are excited about the interest! You guys are helping us bring home our little boy! Thank you so very very much from the bottom of our hearts!
Here are a few pictures from our summer:
Enjoy the rest of your summer! We will keep you updated as our adoption plans continue to unfold! We cannot wait to meet our little boy! Thank you for all of your prayers and support!!!
This summer we also have been working on our home study for our adoption. We have finished our home visits and are waiting now on the finalization of our home study!! This is so incredibly exciting for us and means we can start finishing our dossier for all of the necessary things it needs.
So far this summer we have experienced an unexpected gall bladder surgery, a trip to Arkansas for two weeks, 4 home study visits, A weekend visit with Aaron's Dad and his wife, and we began school in July! It has been so busy and summer isn't over yet! We still plan to hit the pool a few more times despite it being much more chilly than we expected it to be for summer and have a couple of more weekend vacations planned.
We are in the midst of our Freezer Full Adoption Fundraiser and are excited about the interest! You guys are helping us bring home our little boy! Thank you so very very much from the bottom of our hearts!
Here are a few pictures from our summer:
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| Amariss rode a horse like she'd been doing it her whole life! Truly, this is her first time riding horse by herself and she loved it! |
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| This little girl takes after big sister and absolutely loves water! |
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| Her roller blades are her absolute favorite! (even though it doesn't look like it in this picture) |
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| I couldn't resist! She looked so cute on the 4th of July! |
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| These two sisters are always making me laugh with their silly ways. |
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| In true Amariss fashion, she was able to find a baby blue jay and show him much love. I was able to coax her into putting him back although she insisted we needed to raise him. |
10.16.2013
The Garage Sale
Our first adoption fundraiser was last Saturday! We had a garage sale to help raise funds and it was so exciting. My very good friends spent Wednesday and Thursday at my mother-in-laws house tagging/organizing/sorting all in preparation for Friday afternoon and Saturday. And my mother-in-law deserves a medal of honor for watching my kids AND my friends' kids all day Wednesday and Thursday!!
There were so many generous friends who donated so much to this sale! There is no way we would have done so well without all of you! We had a full garage and full driveway with everything from nearly every size of children's clothing, to toys, to maternity clothes, to housewares, to a huge toolbox and fencing!
It was amazing.
Everything did not sell :( but we are going to pack everything back up and try again for the spring city-wide! We might have a baby by then (who knows?) but even if we do, we will still be paying for this adoption, so all the funds will still go towards our adoption fund.
9.05.2013
Waiting
I know, tragedy. It clearly was not the end of the world, and I knew God had all things working out in the end, but I couldn't help but wonder how this was going to work with my plan. I had told my mom earlier that summer that my plan was to date someone for two years and then get married, in between my sophomore and junior year of college. (Why this was my master plan, I'm not entirely sure.) My mom chuckled and suggested I "find somebody quick, since I would be getting married in two years."
I was walking through the small corridor of the office I had worked at my junior and senior year of high school, I was just thinking. There wasn't a whole lot of chitchat in this office (surprisingly,since it was an office of all women) everyone was always working on what they were doing - and my job - well, it was rather brainless, so I thought a lot. This one particular afternoon, I was thinking about all the crushes I'd had over the years and had even daydreamed about marrying the cute guy that worked at the assessors office whom I had never talked to. I was walking between rows of file cabinets and my desk, and I heard it - "Wait for the Lord." It was completely clear to me, as though a voice literally spoke it. And I was done. I was done pining over guys I'd seen, I was done daydreaming about who I'd marry - I was even okay with not getting married. I literally stopped in my tracks grabbed a piece of yellow note paper and a pencil and wrote it down and stuck it in my pocket. When I got home, I nailed it to my bulletin board.
It was done, I was done.
That was my first experience with "waiting for the Lord" - and, I was particularly blessed with God understanding how very little patience I have when it was just 3 days later that I received a phone call from a friend asking me to come over a for an impromptu party, and it was there that I met the man who would become my best friend and later my husband. (I'm happy to say, that I did get married when I would have been in between my sophomore and junior year of college, had I continued on that far...)
My next experience with "waiting for the Lord" came a few years later. Our church had a Wednesday morning prayer time and my good friend and I would go and pray for about an hour. For a few weeks while I was praying I felt compelled to memorize Psalm 27. The final verse (v 14) says:
"Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord."
I relied on this verse for years. I clung to these verses when my husband and I disagreed on when was the right time to have a baby. I clung to these verses when we experienced miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage and I didn't know when we would be able to have a baby. I've quoted this verse over and over to myself throughout the years.
And now - years later, it is still ringing true.
Last night when our worship time was finished our pastor began reading Psalm 27. At the time, I didn't realize it; I knew the verses were familiar but couldn't quite place them, and then just a few verses in it hit me - I know this chapter! And I knew what was coming - "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Waiting, I'm still not very good at it. A day of waiting feels like an eternity but I know it will soon be over. I know that while I want to wish away waiting, I don't want to wish away life so I am learning, so slowly it seems, to wait patiently for the Lord.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
The last few weeks have felt like they are just dragging; two steps forward, one step back. An email that gets my hopes up, and then knowing its not what we are supposed to do. Insurance calls, doctors office calls and visits, all working up to one test - and then more waiting. Results - that will bring more waiting.
Waiting, waiting, waiting.
It reminds me of the line in the Dr. Suess book Oh, the Places You'll Go.
"The Waiting Place ... for people just waiting."
It goes on to say:
"NO! That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing."
I feel like, that's where we are right now - the Waiting Place - but it is exactly where we are supposed to be.
All this waiting, its doing something in us, it is growing us, preparing us, changing us for who we are going to be - for where we are going to be. We are headed into a new stage of our lives, with new and different adventures. T
hings will not be easier, but they will be different.
And right now, right here - this waiting place - this is the only place that I feel confident is where God has us for now. I hope we don't hang out here for long, but if we do - we know that it is all in preparation for something greater.
6.06.2013
And round and round we go
**I wrote this post yesterday, and I will add that I am feeling much better today. Not so down and worn out by the hormones. I definitely have a much better perspective today - but these were yesterday's thoughts, and sometimes I do really feel them.**
It's cycle day 2 here and I forgot what this was like. My last actual period was in January, all other since bleeding has been a subchorionic hemorrhage or my miscarriage.
Believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to this cycle. For the first time since purchasing it, I get to use my Diva Cup. Not sure what a Diva Cup is? Click the link - and then cringe... or if you don't want to know, just stay in the dark.
I was not prepared, however, for the HORMONES. Oh.my.goodness. The last week has been a sugar eating disaster, as I try to lead my family towards healthy eating, and then sneak 15 mini snickers after everyone has gone to bed. Or eat 3 smores at the cookout, or down just 1 more cherry coke. Yes, my running has taken a significant hit from all the sugar.
This also happens to be the week that our 1 year old has transitioned out of our bed. The transition has gone so smoothly, so I can't complain - however, she still wakes up to nurse twice a night. Only now, instead of whipping up my shirt for easy and convenient feeding... I must trudge all the way upstairs. And I do mean, trudge.
However, she is sleeping better and longer - and my husbands alarm clock no longer wakes her up at 6 am every morning. Couldn't be happier about that.
Today, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Which is sad really, we slept on new clean sheets last night and they were so soft, I should have woken up happier.
But the cramps, the fatigue, the irritability, everything that accompany's this monthly event is just wearing me down.
On top of everything else, having my period - is just a reminder of everything that was and should be and now isn't. At least, isn't here. Isaiah is, he very much so, is. He just is somewhere else - with Jesus. With 6 other beautiful babies I have not yet met. And I'm down because of that.
Down because I wish I was pregnant, down because I wish I was sleeping in my bed on this rainy day, or cuddled up on the couch watching a movie, or not wondering how in the world I'm going to clean my house before this weekend.
Probably mostly down, because when you're on your period - silver linings are very hard to see. I'm too tired to think clearly and see the other side; that next week I'll feel better. I won't be tired, the sun will be shining and it will *hopefully* be warm, and my memories and heartaches will find their place in my heart, to be moments of reflection and not hours of sadness.
Don't think I'm not happy. I love snuggling with my girls on these days, after reading a sad story I draw them close to me, take deep breaths of their sweet scents and sometimes stinky breath and I know very deeply that I treasure them. That I don't take my girls for granted. That when Isaiah is not here, and when things seem so frustrating and bleak. When I look around and have no one close that really understands it all, I know that I have my sweet girls and one day, not too far awa,y if I think in a heavenly perspective, one day - I will draw in the sweet scent of not just 2 babies, but 9.
9. That number makes my heartache. I've been pregnant 9 times.
If I ever get pregnant again the question I will be asked at every appointment will be "Which pregnancy is this?" 10. "And how many live children?" 2.
Yes. That will be me.
5.22.2013
Comparisons: The Deadly Trap
Have you ever read a story and thought to yourself "Wow. That is really powerful! I wish my story was that impressive."
I was just thinking that. I play the comparison game way too often with myself; looking at other people's stories, lives, or opportunities as ways to make myself feel less.
I've realized though, that I'm not the only one. People have compared themselves to me! And I think, uh... I wish I could be flattered, instead I find that you are sorely mistaken!!
I keep having to remind myself that we are all just humans. She's human, I'm human, you're human. And God did not create all humans to have the same stories, they are all different for special reasons and purposes. Sometimes we choose the path our lives take, sometimes we don't - either way my story is not supposed to look like hers, your story is not supposed to look like mine.
If I keep this perspective in mind, it helps me from playing the comparison game. It helps me from getting jealous that her story sounds cooler than mine, or more exciting, or like she is a better multi-tasker, or that she is more capable than me. No, none of those things are true - today she might be cooler than me, but that's because we had a different day. Tomorrow my day might be more exciting, and for goodness sake, next week her balls in the air might come tumbling down while I'm juggling with ease. I might have PMS today, and she might be at her peak hormonal performance.
Lysa Turkhurst says in her book Unglued: "Comparison steals celebration." She goes on to say "We stop celebrating our own good and have a really hard time celebrating others' good."
What a profound statement and truth. How often have I done that? I stop seeing all the good God is doing in and through me and I get angry about all the good God is doing in and through someone else! That is so backward and contrary to what God has called us as believers to do.
Just some conviction for myself tonight as I jealously began to think that someone else's story might be more powerful than mine.
I was just thinking that. I play the comparison game way too often with myself; looking at other people's stories, lives, or opportunities as ways to make myself feel less.
I've realized though, that I'm not the only one. People have compared themselves to me! And I think, uh... I wish I could be flattered, instead I find that you are sorely mistaken!!
I keep having to remind myself that we are all just humans. She's human, I'm human, you're human. And God did not create all humans to have the same stories, they are all different for special reasons and purposes. Sometimes we choose the path our lives take, sometimes we don't - either way my story is not supposed to look like hers, your story is not supposed to look like mine.
If I keep this perspective in mind, it helps me from playing the comparison game. It helps me from getting jealous that her story sounds cooler than mine, or more exciting, or like she is a better multi-tasker, or that she is more capable than me. No, none of those things are true - today she might be cooler than me, but that's because we had a different day. Tomorrow my day might be more exciting, and for goodness sake, next week her balls in the air might come tumbling down while I'm juggling with ease. I might have PMS today, and she might be at her peak hormonal performance.
Lysa Turkhurst says in her book Unglued: "Comparison steals celebration." She goes on to say "We stop celebrating our own good and have a really hard time celebrating others' good."
What a profound statement and truth. How often have I done that? I stop seeing all the good God is doing in and through me and I get angry about all the good God is doing in and through someone else! That is so backward and contrary to what God has called us as believers to do.
Just some conviction for myself tonight as I jealously began to think that someone else's story might be more powerful than mine.
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