Happy First Birthday Zemirah!

Can you believe it was 1 year ago today that I gave birth to this little cutie??

Oh my gosh, she's so cute!  I can't get enough!!  

Here she is today, as cute as ever!  I can't believe how quickly this year has flown!

And in case you can't see her gorgeous eyes in that picture, here's another one ~

She is too cute for words!!  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZEMIRAH HOPE!  

You bring us so much joy!

Romans 15:13a

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing..."

We thank God every day for the reminder of his faithfulness and provision through the beautiful little life of Zemirah Hope.  

You can read the story of her beautiful and nearly perfect birth here.  It was a dream birth come true!

so much to do...

I have so much to do in the next 5 weeks. 

Really.  I'm not just saying that. 

I would put up my goal list, but you'd see how much hasn't gotten done and then laugh at me.  But really, I have a lot to do. 

I'm in the midst of reading 4 different books.  One on birth, one on breastfeeding, one on attachment parenting - and then crazy enough - a friend of mine talked me into reading Hunger Games... which is way interesting.  And frankly, is holding my attention better than the other three.  Which kind of stinks because in a few weeks I will give birth, begin breastfeeding, and living out another form of attachment parenting and will probably not be watching any 12 - 18 year olds sacrifice themselves for the sake of a crazy government... but who knows, this book may come in handy someday.

The other thing I want to do - that is a little insane - is not on my to do list... although I think I might add it just so I have something to cross off. 

Scrubbrush the shower.  Hard core - scrub the shower...  just talking about it makes me excited.  and when I finish that I want to do the kitchen and bathroom floor.  I mop. sure, yah, I mop...  I clean the shower, yah - I do that....but I want to SCRUB it... 

I think I'm going to have to go do that right now...  for real, and then maybe eat a piece of dark chocolate. 

oh pregnancy, how you baffle me.

Changes are a coming....

My due date is just 5 weeks away, possibly... could be 4, I'm not exactly sure and need to talk to my midwife about that.  I'm pulling for 5 though, I've got a lot to do.

Anyway, there are are about 10 times out of each day that I'm some how reminded that I'm pregnant.  Whether it be some crazy acrobats in the belly, or strange spasms in my lower belly, or just by chance catching my reflection as I walk past a mirror - it always seems to catch me off guard.  And then I say it... again... to my husband "I can't believe we're having another baby."  and a big smile spreads across both of our faces.  Followed by the realization that this big day keeps getting closer and closer... and I keep putting things off for next week...  then I get a little nervous. 

I look back at pregnancy pictures from Am and in the background the crib is set up, the packed bags on the floor... and I'm pretty sure I'm about 28 weeks pregnant in those pics.  I'm 35 weeks now, I could go into labor in 2 weeks and it wouldn't really matter... and I haven't packed a bag, haven't really even thought about packing a bag...  I kind of think I might do that while I'm actually in labor, something to distract me.  I think I'll set the baby's bed up while I'm in early labor too. 

On another note.  We have a 4 year old, who is quickly developing this whole attitude "I'm cool - what if I say 'no' thing"  its kind of annoying.  Like yesterday when I told her to do something and she looked me straight in the eye, put her hands on her hips, stuck out her foot, cocked her head to the side and said "no." - it took me off guard really.  No??  what happened to this kid? 

So today, she was helping daddy and I move the filing cabinet... mostly daddy, I just moved a couple of light drawers.  Anyway, she was in charge of opening and closing the door for us.  However, in between left plenty of play time in an unplanted muddy flower bed...  and the thought came to my head "Every parent plans their day perfectly - and then the 4 yr old finds mud." 

Okay, end of stories - goodnight peeps.   

and 32 weeks??

I had an appointment with my midwife today, who just so happens to be one of my favorite people.  Stepfoot (the name our daughter has affectionately given baby) was sleeping so her hearttones were reflective of her lazy morning.  It was still nice to hear her beating heart though :)

My midwife, probably one of the world's best grandma's, was enthralling to my 4 year old who was so excited to get to help measure the baby in mommy's tummy.  Am so gently pulled out the table, helped lay me back, and watched intently while I was measured. 

and then my midwife said "You're measuring right on at 32 weeks!" 

and I thought..."what?!  I thought I was only 31 weeks??"  oy ve.  This date just got closer, and my house is not any closer to being ready. 

but you know what?  I don't really care! 

HOLY COW I could meet this baby is 8 weeks!!!  I remember a time when I just had to survive the next 8 weeks! and now... 

Now... I might get to meet this baby in 8 weeks!!! 

oh my gosh.  I'm. so. excited. 

PAIL Blogroll

You may have noticed a new addition to my blog - An adorable little linky over in the sidebar to the PAIL Blogroll. 

What is this Blogroll and what does it mean you ask?  Good question! 
PAIL stands for Pregnancy/Parenting After Infertility and Loss, and a blogroll is a list of LOTS of us who are all in very similar situations. 

The whole reason I started writing The Delicate Balance was because I found myself caught between two worlds - the fertile world, becuase of my daughter, and the infertile world because of our losses and secondary infertility.  If you'd like to read my very first post you can find it here.

This world has gotten a little more muddied in the past 6 months when we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant 6 weeks after our 6th loss. 

This pregnancy has been interesting as I wonder where I stand with my TTC friends, but yet my heart still aches, yearns for, and desires their companionship because believe it or not - this journey never ends, I still miss my babies. 

I don't know what will happen after baby #2 is delivered.  I don't know if we will once again enter into the TTC world or if our hearts have been so damaged we'll be looking elsewhere to expand our family.  We just don't know. 

But for now - we enjoy our 4 yr old, and all her joy, and we look forward to the arrival of our 2nd miracle, even when it still seems so unreal. 

Please check out the PAIL Blogroll and find other people just like us who find ourselves navigating this oh so confusing road.

27 weeks....

Today marks 27 weeks into my pregnancy. 

More importantly, today marks 1 week shy of entering my 3rd trimester!  (can you sense the excitement?)  feel it baby, its real.

I've had so many different and conflicting emotions during this pregnancy.  It's like I'm in a constant battle with myself to enjoy and feel, and hurry through to see my prize.  I want to enjoy what may be my last pregnancy, but after all we've been through - I care much less about the pregnancy and much much more about the baby.

To help me put some things into perspective let me share my disappointments and excitements:

Disppointments

1) I remember pregnancy being way more awesome than this.  I remember it as this magical time in my life with Amariss, where we would just rest and get to know each other, and I didn't have many cares in the world.  I didn't know the reality of babies dying before they should (other than my previous miscarriages).  I didn't understand the truth of the NICU.  I didn't understand the importance of nutrition and exercise, so I ate whatever I wanted.  Now I've heard countless stories of babies dying in the womb, have friends and clients who have lived through the NICU, and struggle daily to make sure I'm putting the right nutrition into my body to feed my growing baby. 

2) I wanted to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, but all I really want now is to hit 37 weeks so I know that if she's born, she'll be safe.  I work with pregnant women, when I'm working, and around 32-33 weeks they get really complainy.  Suddenly, they just want this baby out!  And that's all they talk about.  They talk about feeling sick and tired all through the first trimester, then complain about something else through the second, and finally by the time they reach the third the only thing they feel for pregnancy is I'M DONE!  I never wanted to feel that way.  I longed for a pregnancy for so long that I wanted to treasure every single awful moment and bask in the glory of the good moments.  But now it seems my days are filled with worry and anxiety.  Did she move enough today?  Am I cramping or stretching?  was that another Braxton-Hicks?  How many have I had today?  Why do I feel light headed?  Is it my blood pressure?  Is it my blood sugar?  and the what-ifs keep coming.  And here I am, ready to be done with the what-ifs.  Just ready to enjoy pregnancy, being pregnant, and joyfully (yes, joyfully) anticipating labor and delivery of a beautiful baby girl. 

Excitements

1) I'm learning to trust God more than I ever have before. All those questions mentioned above - they send my anxiety levels sky high, and once again I have to ground myself.  Shortly after I announced my pregnancy I had a conversation with the director at our pregnancy center.  It went something like this:
Me: I just want to be done and have a healthy baby!  There's too much stuff to be worried about during pregnancy!
Vicki: Maybe God designed pregnancy to be 9 months for more than just the development of the baby.  Maybe there are things he wants you to learn too.

And she left it at that.  Yep, lots of trust to be learned.  I find myself hurryng back to the scriptures I've quoted before:

Phillipians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

And there I am, with a pregnancy that has not been as peachy as my fourth, but much peachier than my 1-3 or 5-7 learning in new ways every day to trust God. 

2) I'm gaining a different perspective on pregnancy.  Up until this pregnancy my ideas of what pregnancy "should" or "did" look like were based upon a near flawless pregnancy, things I'd read in books, and 6 miscarriages.  So, essentially - if you made it past 12 weeks I didn't have much for you in the way of "been there, done that" experience.  And now, here I am - in a rougher pregnancy.  Morning sickness that lasted longer than 18 weeks, and was much different than before, and now grappling with blood sugar problems that have yet to be figured out... whether it be high or low.  (glucose tolerance test on wednesday).  I don't want to be a diabetic.  I don't want to be hypoglycemic.  I just want to be normal, like I was with Am.  However, as my mom pointed out to me - I am learning alot, and becoming much more sympathetic towards women who have less than perfect pregnancies. 

3) Labor and Delivery.  Yes, I'm excited about it.  My first labor with Am was long and hard.  I wasn't prepared for a long prodromal period, nor how painful that really can be.  I wasn't the woman then that I am now.  I've grown up, matured, made changes to my lifestyle - and am considerably more educated (not sure if that's a good or bad thing).  I can not wait to experience all that labor and delivery have for me.  I can't wait to put some of my knowledge into real life, first-person experience.  For 3 years I've been educating women on birth, and just waiting until I could experience it too and now my time is coming and I am so very excited. 

I'm ready to be humbled, ready to be tired, ready for the pain - but mostly I'm ready to meet this miracle. 

And that is that. 

27 weeks.

3 months.

I can't wait to hold both my girls in my arms and let all the tears of all we've lost and all we've gained mingle together as I bask in the miracles that are my children. 

God has blessed me abundantly. 

Reflections

I was putting Am down for a nap today, an often rare occurance now that she's 4, and took sometime to just reflect. 

While I reflected, little munchkin kicked away in my tummy and I marveled at being pregnant.  And then like a bright flashing light it hit me..  I'm just 6 weeks away from entering my 3rd trimester.  I'm litereally half way through the 2nd trimester. 

I know, you're thinking.. duh, that's what 22 weeks means, but it just seems so surreal.  Like last night I went to the bathroom and when I wiped I checked for blood.  I've been doing this since the day I got pregnant, and then I reminded myself, again - that if there was going to be blood I would probably have had some serious contractions. 

Just a couple of weeks ago I got comfortable with the idea that I'm pregnant and started getting excited.  It happened while my mom and I walked around Babies R Us, a store I loved when Am was a baby and I had lots of hope for my 2nd.  A store I'd come to avoid, just like maternity clothing sections and baby aisles, after the reality of loss and infertility hit us. 

In my surreality, which has been accented by my husband wanting to schedule our babymoon before I get "cranky", as he put it, and realizing that our schedules are packed for the next 3 months, and realizing in 3 months I'll be having a baby...  I'm getting a little overwhelmed.  Like I can't wait until April for my nesting instinct to kick in... I'm going to have to force it into high gear now, while I still have some time. 

This place is the pits, mostly because of the additional christmas presents that have so gloriously graced my living room, and because "catching up" on laundry never actually happens.

So for the baby, I'd say she's growing, because I can't stop eating.  So, I'm going to go eat again and then maybe tackle that big pile of laundry. 

Praying for all of you waiting for your babies.  You are constantly on my mind, my heart is with you while you wait. 

And it isn't always as easy as pie

I had my 2nd visit with my midwife today, and I have to say I really love those visits, hearing this little one's heartbeat is just about the best thing ever.  Sometimes it can seem like maybe they aren't really growing right or somehow "left" but just the reassurance of that heartbeat it means that they're still there, I'm still here, and somehow - believe it or not - this is real. 

At my appointment this afternoon I brought up to my midwife that I've been feeling alot of hip aches, not normal aches but ones that wrap around to my back and sometimes down my legs, very uncomfortable and I don't remember it being that way with my daughter.  She asked a few questions and determined that I might be contracting.  Although this is nothing to be concerned about yet, and exactly what I had thought it might be, it reminded me again that even though we made it through the first 15 weeks, we still have 23 weeks to go - and that's a long time! 

So I've added a magnesium supplement to my diet and will probably begin taking the Welcome Womb again (which I stopped when I felt the pregnancy was good and stuck). 

I was reading through a blog tonight about another woman's fertility struggles - No Guarantees - and I realized that even now, and 15 weeks, I'm not really guaranteed tomorrow,  (Oh, how that would break my heart) but I'm still trusting and believing in God.  I'm still here, further than I've been in years, knowing that God has orchestrated all of this, and knowing that whatever happens... whatever.... He is still good. 

It's My Eighth and I'm still Scared...

I originally posted this on my other blog These Things I Know but felt that it would fit here too. 

I have been wanting to write for weeks, maybe months, but I am exhausted. I think of something to write about and 5 minutes later I'm asleep on the couch, the thought completely gone from my brain.

So my hope is that when I start writing, maybe something amazing will just come to me. Something awe-inspiring...something wow.

I'm pregnant, and with that in me comes strange emotions not normally found in my life. Tears, giggles, and rude comments will all come from my mouth within seconds of each other and I feel as if I have no control over it. It's, frankly, a little embarassing sometimes.

Last night was one of those such moments. I went to a meeting that I was thoroughly looking forward to, a group of amazing women that I have the priveledge of surrounding myself with, all talking about childbirth and bringing better childbirth to our community. Right up my alley...I love it!

But last night, I had the giggles. I had recently found out some information that was quite shocking - and frankly - hilarious, and anything anyone said just made me want to laugh at the hilarity of my present situation. So between massive fits of giggles (where my fellow peeps stared at me like I was nuts, because I am a little nuts right now).

It came out among this group to the few who didn't know, that I am pregnant... And for whatever reason last night, I just did not want to acknowledge the fact. I'm very happy that I'm pregnant, it has been a long and very heartbreaking road to get here, but last night I just didn't want to talk about it.

Most of the time I'm very excited about my pregnancy, well, really - all the time - but it still seems so unreal to me. I don't have a belly yet, I don't feel the baby move yet, my sickness is abating, it all seems so foreign now.

A woman asked me if it was my second child and, logically, the answer is yes.

But to me the answer is no.

In the past few months, I've become so connected to those babies that I haven't met, that it breaks my heart to not tell people about them. But it wasn't the place the mention that I had 6 others in heaven that I haven't met yet.

As everyone around me answered for me - yes its her second, and I mumbled, yah its my second.... I thought, "but its not. It's not my second, its my eighth and I'm still scared."

Everything tells me its going to be okay, that I get to meet this one, but can I just tell you that I've been burned, bad. And I'm still scared. I feel it everyday and it irritates me to no end. I can't wait for the day when I know, I just know that its all going to be okay.

I sure hope it comes soon, I pray it comes soon.

thank you for sticking with my random post, sure didn't know it would lead here!

We are having another baby!!!

If you can tell from our posts below - that were all written a couple months ago... 

We are expecting a baby in May! 

I had an appointment with my midwife today and we were able to hear our baby's heartbeat on the doppler.  It was very exciting! 

My day has been made. 

So, now the word is out - all is public, we are having a baby!

YAY!

I'll tell you the full story another day, but thank you to all of you who have prayed and cried with us - we have felt every prayer, every hug, every tear. 

YAY!!

6wks 3dys

Yes, you see that right folks.  No time has not regressed but today I had an.....

ULTRASOUND!!!!

It was fabulous, every short breath taking second of seeing that beautiful baby.  I'm a little jealous of my husband's view.  He got to see the baby the whole time, I had to contort my head in some strange fashion to catch a glimpse.

But I saw it!  I saw that glorious, gorgeous, breathtaking, heart-stopping, tear-jerking, make-your-throat-swell-up,

Heartbeat.

137 beats per minute. 

It was amazing. 

Baby is measuring a week behind what I had originally predicted, which is normal, fine, and probably speaks to my short luteal phase and frequent miscarriages. 

It took everything within me to not tell everyone at church tonight that I'M PREGNANT AND THERE'S A HEARTBEAT!!!

  But, I just smiled. 

I am happy tonight, very very happy. 

And looking forward to 12 weeks pregnant.  That will be wonderful.

 I am beyond blessed.