Expectations

Sometimes the Lord brews something in my spirit for a really long time.  I feel like he is wanting me to write about it but time and life keep it at bay because I am not given the opportunity to sit and explore his leading.  And then as I wait - days, weeks, sometimes months - to speak what I feel he is calling me to, I am reminded that this word is for me and my life, and sharing it with others is a by-product, or an added bonus.

It has been years in the making that God has been refining my spirit to teach me something I just didn't want to be teachable in.  [This morning Aaron said "honey, you might need to have a teachable spirit in this" and I replied "but I don't WANT to have a teachable spirit in this...]  Aren't we all a little like that sometimes?  I'm pretty sure it has been years that my husband and my mom have been saying this exact same thing.  But it was a few months ago that it hit me in a most unique way.

A good friend offered to take our family pictures.  And the week before was crazy, but in the back of my mind I had our outfit plans running around my mind.  I wanted us to coordinate and look so awesome; "wall perfect".  You know the Pinterest pictures with families that match and smile and just look like they could be in a issue of Better Homes & Gardens...

But it was the night before and I had told my girls "This is one of the few days of the year that I require you to wear what I pick out." and they were okay with that (strangely).  And as the children slept and I lamented whether or not the clothes really matched and I looked around my house it hit me - this is not us.

We don't match, ever.  My girls cycle through the same few dresses every day.  Their hairs aren't always in place, their smiles aren't always perfect.  And I am not raising models.

I decided at that point that all I really wanted were pictures that reflected who we really were.  A mismatched, a little bit messy, and very happy family.  My expectations instantly changed that family pictures would involve laughing, smiling, enjoying ourselves and each other and capturing the way we live our lives.   My biggest goal was that my children enjoyed family pictures.

And that was how the door to my heart was opened on my expectations.  As I have let the thought simmer inside my soul for these past several weeks it has slowly been turning over page after page of areas where my expectations have dampened and even ruined an experience.

As I cleaned out a cabinet yesterday I found a piece of paper from when Z was just turned 1 and I had recently miscarried Isaiah.  It listed out what I was doing in a day, and what I expected I should be able to do.  Whoa - I tell you. Right now I am not doing a single one of those "expectations" and am not even accomplishing some of the day to day things from that list.  Talk about lowering your expectations!    

As I have been learning to let go of my expectations, I have had to learn to trust in God's plan in all of this.  My loss of expectations have left me wondering what am I supposed to do?  In the past, I have been a jump in with two feet kind of a girl, an over committer, a great idea let's do it - but I am learning that my timing, my ideas, my expectations can set me up for failure (or feeling like a failure). But resting in God's timing, his ideas and focusing on his next step and plan has never left me failing but always soaring.

Every day is a step in letting go of my expectations of the day.  A long long time ago - like before I met Aaron - I read Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  Even then the Lord was talking to me about my expectations.  I can plan my course, but in the end God still determines how it may come to be.  In the end, God's plan and purposes will be accomplished.

God is still speaking and brewing this in me.  I still have so much to understand in this whole area and I know that my words may seem like they are lacking a little bit.  I know that, I'm still trying to figure all of this out as well.

Anyone else feel like their expectations have hurt a moment rather than helped it?

In this season....

I struggle so much in this life with doing big, being big. I want to be that person whose ministry is making a difference. I want to make a difference. But these days all I can do is just live. To make it through this day. I can't even organize my thoughts as to what I would do to make a difference, there are just too many needs. And how could I make a difference? I am just one person with no extra time. Actually, I am representative of 5 people with no extra time. (And I just spilled milk on my jeans.) I have to remind myself regularly that I cannot do all things.  I must do what I can do; well. Raising my kids. Supporting my husband. Fulfilling our call to expand our family through adoption. Homeschooling. Youth ministry. There it is; my plate is full. I can do those things well right now, with God's help. 

I wrote in my daughter's journal this morning that we go through seasons of our lives. There is a season for working, volunteering, creating, but this season right here is for loving and raising these babies. And that is a good thing. It isn't an easy season, it's the kind that earns you time alone when your husband gets home from work because you called him near tears with both toddlers screaming at you; demanding all of you at the exact same time.  It is the kind of season that breeds lots of laughter and silly faces and funny games. It is the season when you teach a two year old and a three year old that they have to share, and you teach a seven year old just how valuable and important she is even though her world is overrun with irrational siblings. It is the kind of season when you laugh and you cry; when you change more poopy diapers than you ever thought possible in a 2 hr time span. It is a hard and wonderful season and it may not feel like I'm doing anything big or changing the world, but I am changing their world so that they can do 


big too.

 I am in a season of multiplication and it is hard but good. Someday, someday... Someday there will be time for sitting and painting and praying and changing the lives of others outside of this tight knit little circle I live in, but not quite yet. A reminder from my devotions today Luke 16:10 “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”
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I can be faithful with these littles right now.

And round and round we go

**I wrote this post yesterday, and I will add that I am feeling much better today.  Not so down and worn out by the hormones.  I definitely have a much better perspective today - but these were yesterday's thoughts, and sometimes I do really feel them.**

It's cycle day 2 here and I forgot what this was like.  My last actual period was in January, all other since bleeding has been a subchorionic hemorrhage or my miscarriage.

Believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to this cycle.  For the first time since purchasing it, I get to use my Diva Cup.  Not sure what a Diva Cup is?  Click the link - and then cringe... or if you don't want to know, just stay in the dark.

I was not prepared, however, for the HORMONES.  Oh.my.goodness.  The last week has been a sugar eating disaster, as I try to lead my family towards healthy eating, and then sneak 15 mini snickers after everyone has gone to bed.   Or eat 3 smores at the cookout, or down just 1 more cherry coke.  Yes, my running has taken a significant hit from all the sugar.

This also happens to be the week that our 1 year old has transitioned out of our bed.  The transition has gone so smoothly, so I can't complain - however, she still wakes up to nurse twice a night.  Only now, instead of whipping up my shirt for easy and convenient feeding... I must trudge all the way upstairs.  And I do mean, trudge.

However, she is sleeping better and longer - and my husbands alarm clock no longer wakes her up at 6 am every morning.  Couldn't be happier about that.

Today, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Which is sad really, we slept on new clean sheets last night and they were so soft, I should have woken up happier.

But the cramps, the fatigue, the irritability, everything that accompany's this monthly event is just wearing me down.

On top of everything else, having my period - is just a reminder of everything that was and should be and now isn't.  At least, isn't here.  Isaiah is, he very much so, is.  He just is somewhere else - with Jesus.  With 6 other beautiful babies I have not yet met.  And I'm down because of that.

Down because I wish I was pregnant, down because I wish I was sleeping in my bed on this rainy day, or cuddled up on the couch watching a movie, or not wondering how in the world I'm going to clean my house before this weekend.

Probably mostly down, because when you're on your period - silver linings are very hard to see.  I'm too tired to think clearly and see the other side; that next week I'll feel better.  I won't be tired, the sun will be shining and it will *hopefully* be warm, and my memories and heartaches will find their place in my heart, to be moments of reflection and not hours of sadness.

Don't think I'm not happy.  I love snuggling with my girls on these days, after reading a sad story I draw them close to me, take deep breaths of their sweet scents and sometimes stinky breath and I know very deeply that I treasure them.  That I don't take my girls for granted.  That when Isaiah is not here, and when things seem so frustrating and bleak.  When I look around and have no one close that really understands it all, I know that I have my sweet girls and one day, not too far awa,y if I think in a heavenly perspective, one day - I will draw in the sweet scent of not just 2 babies, but 9.

9.  That number makes my heartache.  I've been pregnant 9 times.

If I ever get pregnant again the question I will be asked at every appointment will be "Which pregnancy is this?"  10. "And how many live children?" 2.

Yes. That will be me.

Comparisons: The Deadly Trap

Have you ever read a story and thought to yourself "Wow.  That is really powerful!  I wish my story was that impressive."

I was just thinking that.  I play the comparison game way too often with myself; looking at other people's stories, lives, or opportunities as ways to make myself feel less.  

I've realized though, that I'm not the only one.  People have compared themselves to me!  And I think, uh... I wish I could be flattered, instead I find that you are sorely mistaken!!

I keep having to remind myself that we are all just humans.  She's human, I'm human, you're human.  And God did not create all humans to have the same stories, they are all different for special reasons and purposes.  Sometimes we choose the path our lives take, sometimes we don't - either way my story is not supposed to look like hers, your story is not supposed to look like mine.

If I keep this perspective in mind, it helps me from playing the comparison game.  It helps me from getting jealous that her story sounds cooler than mine, or more exciting, or like she is a better multi-tasker, or that she is more capable than me.  No, none of those things are true - today she might be cooler than me, but that's because we had a different day.  Tomorrow my day might be more exciting, and for goodness sake, next week her balls in the air might come tumbling down while I'm juggling with ease.  I might have PMS today, and she might be at her peak hormonal performance.

Lysa Turkhurst says in her book Unglued:  "Comparison steals celebration."  She goes on to say "We stop celebrating our own good and have a really hard time celebrating others' good."

What a profound statement and truth.  How often have I done that?  I stop seeing all the good God is doing in and through me and I get angry about all the good God is doing in and through someone else!  That is so backward and contrary to what God has called us as believers to do.

Just some conviction for myself tonight as I jealously began to think that someone else's story might be more powerful than mine.