20 days!!

20 days peeps.

twenty.

let that sink in.

The day goes quickly, but then it comes to this point in the evening when it crawls.  Nevermind that my bedroom is a mess and my big couch (yes, the big one) is full of laundry that needs to be folded.

Time is standing still right now.

I've made Doron's packing list, called Verizon and discovered that putting International calling on our phone plan is a better option than renting a cell phone in China, recieved 2 of my amazon purchases (more arriving tomorrow!), I've sorted out who is taking what carry ons, and I finished Doron's blanket!!

I'm excited.  And yet, IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?!?!

3 weeks from tonight we will be in China, totally exhausted yet probably unable to sleep.  3 weeks from tomorrow we'll be touring Beijing, 3 weeks from Saturday we'll go on another tour, 3 weeks from Sunday we'll fly to our province and 3 weeks from Monday we'll meet our son!!  oh my goodness.

I don't have super thought provoking words, or anything really because I'm at a complete lack of words.  All I have is a silly smile and a running list that keeps going through my head and never ends.  There is always something else to do, but sometimes I just am too excited to move.  And then I wonder, what's all this going to be like for Doron?  New faces, new places, new things everywhere, a new name - if he knew what was coming would he be excited?  He's waking up today to a day just like any other, most likely completely oblivious (other than the CD and photo album of us) that his world is changing.

Kind of makes me think of this video our girls watched when they were babies.  There was a man and a woman in it and at one point the smiled and waved at the screen.  The girls LOVED it!  Always calling the man "grandpa" and the girl "that lady" - but how would they feel if that "grandpa" and "that lady", even though the liked them on the tv, came over one day and took them away from everything they'd ever known.  I imagine that's a little how its going to be for Doron.  Except not only does he not really know us, we don't even speak his language.  (We have learned/are learning a tiny bit of Mandarin...tiny.)

As we come home there are going to be a lot of big transitions for all of us, and we must always remember that our little guy is taking all of this in from a completely different view point.  At his age he doesn't understand what he doesn't have and what he is getting, he will for awhile only understand what he has lost and been taken from.

Please pray for us.  For the next few weeks as we prepare to travel and then for the next several weeks and months and we transition into a family of 5.  We are all going to need lots of grace and patience during this time....

Love and bless you all -

Brie

Remembering

July is when Aaron and I remember four anniversaries of miscarriages from the past 8 years.  Half of our miscarriages have occurred in July, it has no longer become dates for us, but throughout the whole month it rests in the back of our minds.  Our first miscarriage occurred on July 20, 2006.

I know I've written often about our miscarriages and our anniversaries.  We are now 8 months from our last miscarriage, so for us it feels strange.  8 months doesn't seem like long, but when you are back to back miscarriage to pregnancy - infertility to miscarriage - pregnancy to miscarriage - adoption to pregnancy - miscarriage to adoption, you feel like you're on a roller coaster.

Right now we are in the early stages of our adoption.  It feels a lot like being at the end of your first trimester, you are finally ready to accept this pregnancy and believe this baby is really going to come home.  You still have a long way to go, your ultrasound is still months away, but you are excited.  Meeting your baby someday seems real.

So to be remembering these anniversaries while being in a strange state of "pregnancy" leaves me feeling surreal about them all.  Like I can look back and say, "Wow, God - look what you did and look where you are taking us!"

I love this song by Matt Redman:

Never Once

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

The words echo exactly what my heart feels, like we are standing on a mountaintop, looking back on all that we went through or that we're kneeling on the battleground, remembering the war that was fought and all that our hearts experienced.  I feel like we can look at our hearts and see our own scars and our muscles bear the strength of the struggle. But through it all - and I've always said this - never once did we not feel God's love, his faithfulness, his strength carrying us through it all.

I remember pregnant with Zemirah, just weeks after our 6th miscarriage, reading and owning 

2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself."  

I felt so faithless, I had no confidence that that pregnancy would bring me a baby in my arms.  I knew God was good, I knew he was faithful and I knew that when I went through another miscarriage I would survive.  I am thankful that God had different plans for the little life growing inside of me.  

This July we remember the lives of our little ones in heaven.  Amariss speaks often and openly about her brothers and sisters in heaven.  Their lives hold value to her and to us.  They are a part of our family and someday we will meet them, hold them, and pour on them all the love we have missed.  

I am so thankful that this July we celebrate all of our children;

Baby K, Tiny, Itty Bitty, Amariss, Cinco, Woven, Bunnin, Zemirah, Isaiah, Little One, and our soon to be Baby Boy.  

Amariss found and loved on a baby blue jay yesterday.

Zemirah danced and praised Jesus with me this morning.

Learning To Let God Lead

I was driving into town last week and I heard this song on the radio.  I believe it hit me, quite hard it felt, that for a long time I have been trying to write my own story.  This is probably the reason that I find people that have what I want, a knowledge of what their future holds, and I'm jealous of them.  Even more jealous if they have that knowledge and are pursuing their passion, and it's something (I think) I want for my life also, but am not sure if that is the direction in which I am headed.

Am I rambling?  Does that make sense?  In my book study last spring, Unglued by Lisa Turkhurst, there was a whole chapter on jealousy.  That chapter was like a cold bucket of water over my head.  Yikes!  That was one of the first times I have really taken on the knowledge that I fight jealousy.  It's a companion I need to learn how to shake, and hopefully I am learning how to shake.  I tried bottling it up, and putting on a happy smiley face, but no, that just makes me stew and become bitter.  I thought that maybe telling people when I was jealous of them would help me shake it, but no, that just makes me look (and feel) like an idiot.

Ah, I see, jealousy is from the evil one, the one who wants me to look like an idiot, push people away, and become angry and bitter.

In life, there are a thousand different reasons to be jealous.  Someone always has it better, there is always something to be desired.  Whether it be a job, a family, a dream - someone always has something you could want, or desire.

When I look back at my adult life I can see that God has taken me on an interesting journey.  One I never would have imagined 10 years ago, when I was a young college student, engaged to be married and living with my neighbors, studying for a degree I (kind of) intended to use, in a field I (kind of) enjoyed.  To be honest, it was the grace of God that led me to that degree, the one that opened doors and got me on my start to being a childbirth educator and later birth doula. I love what I do. I couldn't imagine loving any other job (outside of my role as a mom) more.

I never once imagined I'd be the woman I am today, with the passions I have today.  I never once imagined that I would homeschool, or care about red dye and high fructose corn syrup (seriously, I love fruit snacks and twinkies - er, I did... okay, I do still love fruit snacks), or be passionate about natural childbirth, or passionate about natural anything (again, the girl who popped ibuprofen in high school like it was candy and thought McDonalds could pass as a healthy meal).  I never once imagined that we would have miscarriage after miscarriage and wonder how many children we would have.  I also never once imagined that I would doubt myself or that I wouldn't know what the next step would be.

And that's where I am.  I don't know what the rest of the story is, and often times I try so hard to write it for God only to find myself more confused and frustrated than before.  But I forget, he has written it thus far; He has opened doors, presented opportunities, and shaped me and molded me along the way, all in his timing, for his purposes.  

So I think listening to this song this week has been a good reminder to me to stop playing with God's pen.  A reminder to be fully invested in the current life God has called me to lead and when the time is right, he will guide me to the next step, whatever that may be.  We are all on different paths, because we are all different people.  Some of us are called to take similar journeys, but no journey is ever identical to or better than someone else's.

A journey is a journey, and I will let God lead mine.

**This post was written late at night, after reviewing it this morning I would like to add that I am not insanely jealous as the piece might suggest. But I do believe that I struggle with jealousy just like anyone else. I am not focusing this post directed at any specific person or event, it is just general reflection.**

*This post has been edited*

Step-by-step...

I knew I would blog this week, there is so much to say, but I haven't known how to say it.

Really, there hasn't been a whole lot to report.  I made a surprise trip to Arkansas two weekends ago to surprise my mom for her birthday!  (and if I was really great at taking pictures I'd have some for you, but wrangling two kids by myself for a 12 hr drive was enough).

On our way to Arkansas we got the news that our application had been accepted by the agency and we were ready to move on with the next step!  That step was signing a lot of paperwork...

Officially, the paperwork has been signed and mailed, and according to the United States Postal Service should arrive at our agency's head office on Thursday.  Woohoo!

I really feel God's hand in all of this.  Down to every last tiny, seemingly unimportant detail like our paperwork arriving on Thursday, November 21.

A little over 6 months ago we miscarried a little boy, Isaiah.  Many of you have seen our posts and have shown us so much support.  Amazingly, our hearts have healed so well from this loss, which I know is nothing short of God's divine goodness.  We were blessed to have a memorial service for him, and because of this, his loss helped bring closure to us from 7 years of miscarriages.

We had begun looking into adoption in January of this year, long before we knew we were expecting.  With our pregnancy we put adoption off to the side for awhile.  When we lost Isaiah, and were ready to pursue adoption again, I knew I would not be fully ready until we had passed and mourned his due date.  This Wednesday, November 20, is Isaiah's due date.

He sees us, he hears us.  He knows exactly who we are, and where we are in our journey.  God does not take a single thing for granted.  

Sunday, one of our pastor's reminded us that "Our God takes impossibilities and makes them possibilities."  That is so true.  From step one he has taken what seems impossible to us and opened a door and made it a possibility.  He has closed doors that we may have wanted to step through, knowing it wasn't the right plan for us.  We are completely trusting Him as we take one more step toward our possibility.

Today we also remember our 2nd miscarriage.  Our little baby, Tiny, was miscarried on November 18, 2006.  Sometimes I wonder when I will stop remembering these anniversaries, but my heart feels that as long as we live, we won't.  These little ones, a part of our lives for an incredibly too short amount of time, are a part of us.  We lost Tiny while at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference, we were a little over 6 weeks along.

So, this week is strangely bittersweet.  We mourn a lot of loss but look forward with tempered anticipation for all that is to come.

The Garage Sale

Our first adoption fundraiser was last Saturday!  We had a garage sale to help raise funds and it was so exciting.  My very good friends spent Wednesday and Thursday at my mother-in-laws house tagging/organizing/sorting all in preparation for Friday afternoon and Saturday.  And my mother-in-law deserves a medal of honor for watching my kids AND my friends' kids all day Wednesday and Thursday!!

There were so many generous friends who donated so much to this sale!  There is no way we would have done so well without all of you!  We had a full garage and full driveway with everything from nearly every size of children's clothing, to toys, to maternity clothes, to housewares, to a huge toolbox and fencing!

It was amazing.  

Everything did not sell :( but we are going to pack everything back up and try again for the spring city-wide!  We might have a baby by then (who knows?) but even if we do, we will still be paying for this adoption, so all the funds will still go towards our adoption fund.  

Waiting

Years ago, before I ever met my husband, I was a young high school graduate weeks away from starting my first day of college.  I was all of the emotions you are supposed to feel heading off to school, but I was also a little bit disappointed: I was 18 years old and I had never had a boyfriend.

I know, tragedy.  It clearly was not the end of the world, and I knew God had all things working out in the end, but I couldn't help but wonder how this was going to work with my plan.  I had told my mom earlier that summer that my plan was to date someone for two years and then get married, in between my sophomore and junior year of college.  (Why this was my master plan, I'm not entirely sure.)  My mom chuckled and suggested I "find somebody quick, since I would be getting married in two years."

I was walking through the small corridor of the office I had worked at my junior and senior year of high school, I was just thinking. There wasn't a whole lot of chitchat in this office (surprisingly,since it was an office of all women) everyone was always working on what they were doing - and my job - well, it was rather brainless, so I thought a lot.  This one particular afternoon, I was thinking about all the crushes I'd had over the years and had even daydreamed about marrying the cute guy that worked at the assessors office whom I had never talked to.  I was walking between rows of file cabinets and my desk, and I heard it - "Wait for the Lord."  It was completely clear to me, as though a voice literally spoke it.  And I was done.  I was done pining over guys I'd seen, I was done daydreaming about who I'd marry - I was even okay with not getting married.  I literally stopped in my tracks grabbed a piece of yellow note paper and a pencil and wrote it down and stuck it in my pocket.  When I got home, I nailed it to my bulletin board.

It was done, I was done.

That was my first experience with "waiting for the Lord" - and, I was particularly blessed with God understanding how very little patience I have when it was just 3 days later that I received a phone call from a friend asking me to come over a for an impromptu party, and it was there that I met the man who would become my best friend and later my husband.  (I'm happy to say, that I did get married when I would have been in between my sophomore and junior year of college, had I continued on that far...)

My next experience with "waiting for the Lord" came a few years later.  Our church had a Wednesday morning prayer time and my good friend and I would go and pray for about an hour.  For a few weeks while I was praying I felt compelled to memorize Psalm 27. The final verse (v 14) says:

"Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord."

I relied on this verse for years.  I clung to these verses when my husband and I disagreed on when was the right time to have a baby.  I clung to these verses when we experienced miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage and I didn't know when we would be able to have a baby. I've quoted this verse over and over to myself throughout the years.  

And now - years later, it is still ringing true.  

Last night when our worship time was finished our pastor began reading Psalm 27.  At the time, I didn't realize it; I knew the verses were familiar but couldn't quite place them, and then  just a few verses in it hit me - I know this chapter!  And I knew what was coming - "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."  

Waiting, I'm still not very good at it.  A day of waiting feels like an eternity but I know it will soon be over.  I know that while I want to wish away waiting, I don't want to wish away life so I am learning, so slowly it seems, to wait patiently for the Lord.  

Wait. Wait. Wait.  

The last few weeks have felt like they are just dragging; two steps forward, one step back.  An email that gets my hopes up, and then knowing its not what we are supposed to do.  Insurance calls, doctors office calls and visits, all working up to one test - and then more waiting.  Results - that will bring more waiting.  

Waiting, waiting, waiting.  

It reminds me of the line in the Dr. Suess book Oh, the Places You'll Go. 

 "The Waiting Place ... for people just waiting."  

It goes on to say:

"NO! That's not for you!  

Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying.  

You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing."

I feel like, that's where we are right now - the Waiting Place - but it is exactly where we are supposed to be.  

All this waiting, its doing something in us, it is growing us, preparing us, changing us for who we are going to be - for where we are going to be.  We are headed into a new stage of our lives, with new and different adventures.  T

hings will not be easier, but they will be different.

And right now, right here - this waiting place - this is the only place that I feel confident is where God has us for now.  I hope we don't hang out here for long, but if we do - we know that it is all in preparation for something greater.