A little boy who came into our lives with joy and laughter and beauty.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
11.17.2015
6 months with Doron
Tomorrow (or today if you're reading this on the 18th) we mark 6 months with our sweet little boy. A journey I could never have imagined to be as wild, as wonderful, and as marked with God's glory as it has been.
A little boy who came into our lives with joy and laughter and beauty.
Those are from our Family Day on May, 18, 2015. Funny, then I thought he was just calm cool and collected. Now I can see his concerned little face, confused by the surroundings but happy to have candy. The kid will do anything for candy.
Just a few pics from our first summer together. Man, I can't wait to see what the rest of our lives have in store for this family!
A little boy who came into our lives with joy and laughter and beauty.
6.14.2015
Sleep, Baby, Sleep
The first two nights after Doron joined our family bedtime was a piece of cake. In every way; it was easy, it was sweet, it was enjoyable. About the third night though Doron didn't want me anymore. At first when it came to bedtime he would lay his head on my chest and full out lay on top of me, with his tiny little body.
On night three, he didn't want to be anywhere near me. Since then, Doron has preferred Daddy. And by preferred, I mean - he cries like the worst is happening all over again unless Daddy is there to lay him down for naps or bedtime and be there when he wakes up from either. Even this afternoon when Doron woke up from his nap, I went in to get him and pick him up. He cried and cried and cried, huge tears, lots of snot - CRYING; knowing that Daddy is headed back to work this week and that we are going to have to figure this thing out I tried to distract him with his favorite snack. Nothing.. the tears would not stop coming. Only after going outside and getting Daddy, and being held by Daddy did the crying stop and he ate the snack I was still holding.
Doron loves Daddy. No doubt about that. And really, I have no doubt that he loves me too, but for some reason when it comes to sleeping he doesn't trust anyone like he trusts Daddy. And that's ok, because that's what he needs right now.
Tonight was different though. For some reason when we were putting Z down to bed, Doron got really jealous of her snuggling me. Doron wanted Mama. Since Daddy has only put Z to bed once since we got home from China, I picked up Doron and we cheerfully waved goodbye to everyone and headed downstairs to put Doron to bed.
He was so calm. I've never seen him so calm at bedtime. But I sang to him softly all my bedtime songs, twice. And then we laid down in bed together, like we did the first night we had him. I took off my glasses and he touched my face and he called me Nai Nai. It's a small glimpse into his little mind, what all of this must feel like to him.
His Nai Nai is his foster mom. At 18 months old our son was placed in a foster home for 7 months while we waited to be able to travel and get him. During this time he bonded really well with his foster mom, I imagine she must have sang to him quite a lot. She loved him very much. Nai Nai has long straight hair, similar to mine and sometimes I wonder if I was too similar to her for awhile. That he had to learn to separate her and I. Tonight, with my glasses off and half asleep he thought I was Nai Nai and he fell asleep peacefully in my arms.
Our little baby has endured quite a lot in his short life. It can be hard to understand all that our son has gone through because in all my life I haven't suffered the loss that he has. I hope and pray that as he grows, we are able to help him fully process and understand his past, his present, and his future. I pray that God gives him peace as he works out all that he endured. I know it will be a lifelong journey for him to mourn what was and what will never be, and accept what is and all that can be.
Goodnight friends.
On night three, he didn't want to be anywhere near me. Since then, Doron has preferred Daddy. And by preferred, I mean - he cries like the worst is happening all over again unless Daddy is there to lay him down for naps or bedtime and be there when he wakes up from either. Even this afternoon when Doron woke up from his nap, I went in to get him and pick him up. He cried and cried and cried, huge tears, lots of snot - CRYING; knowing that Daddy is headed back to work this week and that we are going to have to figure this thing out I tried to distract him with his favorite snack. Nothing.. the tears would not stop coming. Only after going outside and getting Daddy, and being held by Daddy did the crying stop and he ate the snack I was still holding.
Doron loves Daddy. No doubt about that. And really, I have no doubt that he loves me too, but for some reason when it comes to sleeping he doesn't trust anyone like he trusts Daddy. And that's ok, because that's what he needs right now.
Tonight was different though. For some reason when we were putting Z down to bed, Doron got really jealous of her snuggling me. Doron wanted Mama. Since Daddy has only put Z to bed once since we got home from China, I picked up Doron and we cheerfully waved goodbye to everyone and headed downstairs to put Doron to bed.
He was so calm. I've never seen him so calm at bedtime. But I sang to him softly all my bedtime songs, twice. And then we laid down in bed together, like we did the first night we had him. I took off my glasses and he touched my face and he called me Nai Nai. It's a small glimpse into his little mind, what all of this must feel like to him.
His Nai Nai is his foster mom. At 18 months old our son was placed in a foster home for 7 months while we waited to be able to travel and get him. During this time he bonded really well with his foster mom, I imagine she must have sang to him quite a lot. She loved him very much. Nai Nai has long straight hair, similar to mine and sometimes I wonder if I was too similar to her for awhile. That he had to learn to separate her and I. Tonight, with my glasses off and half asleep he thought I was Nai Nai and he fell asleep peacefully in my arms.
Our little baby has endured quite a lot in his short life. It can be hard to understand all that our son has gone through because in all my life I haven't suffered the loss that he has. I hope and pray that as he grows, we are able to help him fully process and understand his past, his present, and his future. I pray that God gives him peace as he works out all that he endured. I know it will be a lifelong journey for him to mourn what was and what will never be, and accept what is and all that can be.
Goodnight friends.
6.02.2015
Adoption Journey: Our trip to China Part 1
We have been home from China for 3 days now and yesterday marked two weeks as a family of five. There is so much I could write and say, there is so much beautiful and so much perfection and yet his little life is so fragile.
I've always known from living in the world of infertility and pregnancy loss that suggesting an infertile "just adopt" was about the most taboo thing you could say. And I respected it, I honored it, even if at the time I didn't quite understand it.
This past year has been an incredible journey for us full of ups and downs, twists and turns. There have been moments of anxiety and fear, and moments of joy and hope and purpose. We read books and watched what felt like endless hours of videos all in preparation of the great unknown of bringing a wounded child into our family. We prepared ourselves because we knew his heart had been hurt but to what degree we may never know. The hurts that have filled his tiny life he might not even understand, and if he does he might not ever know how to express.
On the other side of the coin, we entered into this process with excitement and anticipation, but also with trepidation knowing that the journey God was calling us into would be wonderful but difficult. There would be tears of joy, but many tears of sadness as we try desperately to navigate our little one through a world that to this point has caused him much pain.
Even up to our leaving for China it felt completely surreal. I would sit and wonder if this was really happening. As we packed bags, bought gifts, confirmed our flights, prepared and prepared and prepared - I wondered the whole time, were we really about to become parents again?
The night before we were set to leave, at 8 pm - when we were scheduled to fly out at 5:45 the following morning, my phone lit up with a text from our airline that our flight had been cancelled. They had immediately put us on a different flight to Chicago, effectively missing our flight to Beijing by 1 hour. We spent the next hour frantically coming up with a plan B, and at 7am the next morning we packed up our minivan and drove to Chicago to catch our flight to Beijing... because living in a small community means cancelling flights just because.
The first 10 months of our journey were easy - difficult because of lots of paperwork, but everything always fit right into place. The last 5 months were frustrating when there was delay after delay in our travel to meet our son. Even up to the very last night.
Our flight to China was incredibly easy. Am had a child's meal which meant her food was infinitely better than the rest of ours and she raved about how nice the flight staff was. And they really were, so she was right on there. All the way to China it felt like a dream... felt like I was sitting in a car for 13 hours to go on a dream vacation. Being in Beijing felt like visiting a big city and us and several other families kept commenting, even as we stood on the Great Wall of China that it didn't feel like we were in China. It felt like we were on a really awesome vacation.
I think that going to Beijing for the first 3 days of our adoption trip was one of the best decisions we could have made. They keep you so ridiculously busy that there is no way you have a chance to stop and realize just how jetlagged you are. You just run on adrenaline as you are shown the great history and culture of your child's birth country. The people of China are so nice and the beauty of the country really overwhelmed me. It saddened me to see a people and culture so beautiful, a family structure deep and strong, but yet know how unfree they are. In the few people we talked to who spoke English that was there comment. They liked the freedoms of America but they loved their country. And to be honest, in a way, we fell in love with their country as well.
Throughout our time in Beijing I constantly wondered if we were really on this trip to bring home our son or if this was all just a ruse. What if there had been a mistake and we really didn't have a child waiting for us? What if they brought us the wrong one? What if all of this was not the end of this journey and we went home empty handed?
Flying to our son's city was quite possibly the best feeling ever. Taking pictures of our first glimpse of Nanjing and knowing that within 24 hours he would be in our arms forever - that was amazing.
The story could continue on forever, and I will finish this another day - but here we are at the climax of our story. The next steps start our newest journey, marking our first few days with our beautiful baby.
Having been home 3 days now and feeling the effects of jetlag worse than ever, my heart is stuck in melancholy. It is frustrating to say the least to be navigating these new challenges with exhaustion as my constant companion. All I want is to spend every waking moment fostering attachment with my new son, but I have to be patient and wait. I have to understand that his hesitation towards me, isn't me at all - it is a history of hurts that I will never fully understand.
I know now that suggesting that a childless family adopt is not appropriate because adoption is a calling, but I also now understand that adoption has always been a part of my calling. We will press on, treasure on, live on, seek on - desperate to secure in our little one a foundation of love, truth, and hope so that his future might be bright and his heart full.
I've always known from living in the world of infertility and pregnancy loss that suggesting an infertile "just adopt" was about the most taboo thing you could say. And I respected it, I honored it, even if at the time I didn't quite understand it.
This past year has been an incredible journey for us full of ups and downs, twists and turns. There have been moments of anxiety and fear, and moments of joy and hope and purpose. We read books and watched what felt like endless hours of videos all in preparation of the great unknown of bringing a wounded child into our family. We prepared ourselves because we knew his heart had been hurt but to what degree we may never know. The hurts that have filled his tiny life he might not even understand, and if he does he might not ever know how to express.
On the other side of the coin, we entered into this process with excitement and anticipation, but also with trepidation knowing that the journey God was calling us into would be wonderful but difficult. There would be tears of joy, but many tears of sadness as we try desperately to navigate our little one through a world that to this point has caused him much pain.
Even up to our leaving for China it felt completely surreal. I would sit and wonder if this was really happening. As we packed bags, bought gifts, confirmed our flights, prepared and prepared and prepared - I wondered the whole time, were we really about to become parents again?
The night before we were set to leave, at 8 pm - when we were scheduled to fly out at 5:45 the following morning, my phone lit up with a text from our airline that our flight had been cancelled. They had immediately put us on a different flight to Chicago, effectively missing our flight to Beijing by 1 hour. We spent the next hour frantically coming up with a plan B, and at 7am the next morning we packed up our minivan and drove to Chicago to catch our flight to Beijing... because living in a small community means cancelling flights just because.
The first 10 months of our journey were easy - difficult because of lots of paperwork, but everything always fit right into place. The last 5 months were frustrating when there was delay after delay in our travel to meet our son. Even up to the very last night.
Our flight to China was incredibly easy. Am had a child's meal which meant her food was infinitely better than the rest of ours and she raved about how nice the flight staff was. And they really were, so she was right on there. All the way to China it felt like a dream... felt like I was sitting in a car for 13 hours to go on a dream vacation. Being in Beijing felt like visiting a big city and us and several other families kept commenting, even as we stood on the Great Wall of China that it didn't feel like we were in China. It felt like we were on a really awesome vacation.
I think that going to Beijing for the first 3 days of our adoption trip was one of the best decisions we could have made. They keep you so ridiculously busy that there is no way you have a chance to stop and realize just how jetlagged you are. You just run on adrenaline as you are shown the great history and culture of your child's birth country. The people of China are so nice and the beauty of the country really overwhelmed me. It saddened me to see a people and culture so beautiful, a family structure deep and strong, but yet know how unfree they are. In the few people we talked to who spoke English that was there comment. They liked the freedoms of America but they loved their country. And to be honest, in a way, we fell in love with their country as well.
Throughout our time in Beijing I constantly wondered if we were really on this trip to bring home our son or if this was all just a ruse. What if there had been a mistake and we really didn't have a child waiting for us? What if they brought us the wrong one? What if all of this was not the end of this journey and we went home empty handed?
Flying to our son's city was quite possibly the best feeling ever. Taking pictures of our first glimpse of Nanjing and knowing that within 24 hours he would be in our arms forever - that was amazing.
The story could continue on forever, and I will finish this another day - but here we are at the climax of our story. The next steps start our newest journey, marking our first few days with our beautiful baby.
Having been home 3 days now and feeling the effects of jetlag worse than ever, my heart is stuck in melancholy. It is frustrating to say the least to be navigating these new challenges with exhaustion as my constant companion. All I want is to spend every waking moment fostering attachment with my new son, but I have to be patient and wait. I have to understand that his hesitation towards me, isn't me at all - it is a history of hurts that I will never fully understand.
I know now that suggesting that a childless family adopt is not appropriate because adoption is a calling, but I also now understand that adoption has always been a part of my calling. We will press on, treasure on, live on, seek on - desperate to secure in our little one a foundation of love, truth, and hope so that his future might be bright and his heart full.
3.05.2015
Emotions, Dates, and Other Thoughts
I'd like you to know that this is likely to be the most scattered blog post I've ever written. There, you've been warned - read on at your own risk. (and for my grammar friends, please ignore my incorrect usage of commas... and other major errors. For some reason I never could grasp the whole comma thing)
It is rare that I get coffee, even more rare that I get one at 9pm, so this is likely to only exacerbate the problem of scatterdness.
I often joke, or possibly try to joke, that I don't have much emotion, but infact I think the truth is that I have more emotion than I know how to handle, so I hold my emotions at arms length. I feel them, inside, but it is hard to let them out. It is hard for me to show people how I am really feeling inside. I hope you don't think I mean that I am fake, I mean that sometimes I can't even understand or put into words all that I am feeling, or that my words seem painfully inadequate, or that I want to have tears and I can't seem to find them in me. I see people with emotion all around me and I feel it, I just have a hard time showing it.
*******
This week has been full of emotions (and it isn't even over yet!) Some of the emotions I can't even describe but it was a difficult week. When we began our adoption process our mind couldn't concieve bringing home a child within 18 months of starting the process. It just wasn't likely. In January after recieving our LOA it became a possibility (ever so slight) that we would be able to travel in March, but most likely in April. Because of circumstances beyond anyone's control - we found out on Tuesday that our trip is now pushed back to May. This news felt like a sucker punch. It fell on an already difficult day that was only matched by the ice storm that ripped through our area. Today we recieved our travel confirmation! The trip is set and scheduled and we will be leaving mid-May to bring home our son! The news hits me with two major emotions at the same time, frustration because it was supposed to be April, and excitement that our trip is confirmed. We're going in May! We are so incredibly excited! But oh how our arms ache to hold our little boy.
********
Early in our adoption process I sat at the table sorting out files and documents and a whole assortment of paperwork. I am not even sure if we had even decided we would adopt from China yet. I remember sitting across from Aaron and looking up and saying "We need an adoption doula." I was so overwhelmed, I didn't even know where to start.
As a Birth Doula one of my roles is to help expectant parents navigate through their pregnancy as well as their labor and delivery. I work prenatally with clients to practice tools for dealing with the pain of labor, I provide resources to help them make educated and informed decisions during pregnancy and labor, and we come up with a birth plan so they can be prepared for their labor and delivery and the questions that often come up. And as a childbirth educator I make sure my clients are educated on what happens during pregnancy, labor, and delivery. I help establish bonds with them so that the birth partner feels included as well. I give the birth partner important tools to help him feel involved in the pregnancy, labor and birth.
I often joke that I relate most things in life to childbirth - and it is so true. I actually saw the face of the laboring woman in the effort it took my husband to put together his basketball hoop. I'm nuts when it comes to childbirth. (Consequently, my husband now views much of life the same way too. I have apparently rubbed off on him. When we were hiking last fall I came out from a crevice between two rocks to have my husband say "that totally looks like a uterus and birth canal - let me take your picture coming out of it!".... I have ruined him for life). *If you are reading this for the first time just getting to know me, please don't think I am strange or that I will talk to you about uterus' or show you pictures of babies being born... I mean, I totally would if we were in class together, but I restrain myself for the general public* - also, I am very tired right now, so my filter is pretty much gone.
Back to my original thought process -
I have been thinking lately about how this adoption process has felt like the longest pregnancy of my life. How our agency has been our doula, the CCCWA our care provider, and China our hospital. While in a pregnancy you can choose your care provider (and in some respects so have we), we took great great care in choosing our doula. We researched, we asked questions, we asked more questions, we hired one and fired one (in a nice way), and we found one we love.
I am so thankful for our agency, they have held our hand and walked us through this process in such an incredible way. Just like in pregnancy, they can't make all of our decisions for us. They can't do all the hard work (although to be honest, they do a lot more hard work for us than a doula can for her childbirth clients...). But they have been our advocate. They have provided resources and information. Help when we needed it. They are amazing.
******
In following with the theme of equating our adoption process to pregnancy, labor and birth...
In pregnancy you are given a due date, and your baby is born somewhere around that due date. You get your hopes up and excited and your due date comes and more often than not, baby doesn't. Moms are frustrated, they're tired, they have these crazy hormones racing through their body as their body prepares to labor and the waiting is just so hard. Your expectations were set. You thought baby was coming.
That's kind of how I feel right now. I knew baby coming early (March) wasn't likely - but I held out a glimmer of hope. I knew baby coming on time (April) was probable - but I kept a corner of my heart protected in case I was wrong. And today we got the official news, baby is coming late (May), very late in my opinion. My heart desperately wanted March or April.
The difference though, and this is what makes it the hardest. When you're pregnant and waiting for baby, you're still holding your baby. My arms are empty while we wait. And that makes me very sad. Each day he is away is one more day that he grows and his face changes, his personality changes, and we're missing it.
I look at Z and I can see how every day she changes a little bit more and what am I missing? I know that he is loved and cared for, but I miss him.
******
A few posts back (which might be awhile since I haven't been able to post much lately) I throughout the question of why we would adopt when we can't afford it.
It was a hard question to ask because I feel like it deserves an answer. A few people responded quite encouragingly to us, reminding us of the call God put on our hearts and our lives to adopt.
And I can't find an answer better than that one. Years ago, before I ever knew that having babies would be difficult for us, my heart was drawn to adoption. Before I ever met Aaron, I wanted it to be apart of my story. When Aaron and I were married we always bounced around the idea of adopting a child or children someday. We didn't even at that time understand what that would look like, or mean, we just knew we wanted to. Amazing how God can use a little "want to".
I feel the answer to the question is as simple as that. We know that God has already provided all that we need to bring home our son. We just haven't seen it yet. When he opened our eyes and our hearts to be willing, he provided.
Why are we adopting when we aren't incredibly wealthy people? Because we want to. Because God called us to. Because our hearts are forever attached to a little boy desperate for a forever family. We are his family. That's the answer.
Will we adopt again? I don't know. It is hard to think of anything past bringing home Doron right now. It is hard for us to have any idea what God has for us, because none of our journey has been what we would have pictured it to be.
My greatest fear is that people will think we chose adoption because having biological children is too difficult for us. No, that's not it. There are days and moments where I might have felt that that was it - that adoption was easier than experiencing loss over and over again - but deep down, that is not the reason we chose to adopt.
We have chosen adoption because this is what God called us to do. This is his heart, and he has made it ours too.
******
I went to see The Dropbox movie tonight. I was gripped throughout the whole film. I felt like I couldn't move, my heart just overwhelmed. In it was a woman that I admire. It took me by surprise really, I didn't know she would be in the movie. Last summer I opened a letter and in it was a picture of this woman holding a little boy, and my heart did a little flip flop. I looked up and a woman in her mid-60's rode past me on a bicycle. And I thought 'who am I going to be when I'm that age?' I was holding in my hand a photo of a woman who has given her life to help the orphans, and saw before me the image of what I thought I wanted for my retired life; to ride my bike through my small town, to worry about my garden, my friends, and my grandchildren. There is nothing wrong with that idea, but what I really want is to be making a difference in the lives of children who have no one else.
God has given me such a gift with Amariss, Zemirah, and Doron. I cannnot imagine not sharing the love he has given with so many more children.
*****
If you stuck through this post until the end, wow, you amaze me. I wanted to split it up into more than one post, but I am fairly certain (based on my track record) it's going to be awhile before I can put another post together. Maybe I'll surprise myself, but I haven't been very consistent.
As you can see I have a lot of emotion running through me right now. And so much more that I just can't share right now.
Thank you for praying for our family, for being a part of our journey.
God bless,
Brie
It is rare that I get coffee, even more rare that I get one at 9pm, so this is likely to only exacerbate the problem of scatterdness.
I often joke, or possibly try to joke, that I don't have much emotion, but infact I think the truth is that I have more emotion than I know how to handle, so I hold my emotions at arms length. I feel them, inside, but it is hard to let them out. It is hard for me to show people how I am really feeling inside. I hope you don't think I mean that I am fake, I mean that sometimes I can't even understand or put into words all that I am feeling, or that my words seem painfully inadequate, or that I want to have tears and I can't seem to find them in me. I see people with emotion all around me and I feel it, I just have a hard time showing it.
*******
This week has been full of emotions (and it isn't even over yet!) Some of the emotions I can't even describe but it was a difficult week. When we began our adoption process our mind couldn't concieve bringing home a child within 18 months of starting the process. It just wasn't likely. In January after recieving our LOA it became a possibility (ever so slight) that we would be able to travel in March, but most likely in April. Because of circumstances beyond anyone's control - we found out on Tuesday that our trip is now pushed back to May. This news felt like a sucker punch. It fell on an already difficult day that was only matched by the ice storm that ripped through our area. Today we recieved our travel confirmation! The trip is set and scheduled and we will be leaving mid-May to bring home our son! The news hits me with two major emotions at the same time, frustration because it was supposed to be April, and excitement that our trip is confirmed. We're going in May! We are so incredibly excited! But oh how our arms ache to hold our little boy.
********
Early in our adoption process I sat at the table sorting out files and documents and a whole assortment of paperwork. I am not even sure if we had even decided we would adopt from China yet. I remember sitting across from Aaron and looking up and saying "We need an adoption doula." I was so overwhelmed, I didn't even know where to start.
As a Birth Doula one of my roles is to help expectant parents navigate through their pregnancy as well as their labor and delivery. I work prenatally with clients to practice tools for dealing with the pain of labor, I provide resources to help them make educated and informed decisions during pregnancy and labor, and we come up with a birth plan so they can be prepared for their labor and delivery and the questions that often come up. And as a childbirth educator I make sure my clients are educated on what happens during pregnancy, labor, and delivery. I help establish bonds with them so that the birth partner feels included as well. I give the birth partner important tools to help him feel involved in the pregnancy, labor and birth.
I often joke that I relate most things in life to childbirth - and it is so true. I actually saw the face of the laboring woman in the effort it took my husband to put together his basketball hoop. I'm nuts when it comes to childbirth. (Consequently, my husband now views much of life the same way too. I have apparently rubbed off on him. When we were hiking last fall I came out from a crevice between two rocks to have my husband say "that totally looks like a uterus and birth canal - let me take your picture coming out of it!".... I have ruined him for life). *If you are reading this for the first time just getting to know me, please don't think I am strange or that I will talk to you about uterus' or show you pictures of babies being born... I mean, I totally would if we were in class together, but I restrain myself for the general public* - also, I am very tired right now, so my filter is pretty much gone.
Back to my original thought process -
I have been thinking lately about how this adoption process has felt like the longest pregnancy of my life. How our agency has been our doula, the CCCWA our care provider, and China our hospital. While in a pregnancy you can choose your care provider (and in some respects so have we), we took great great care in choosing our doula. We researched, we asked questions, we asked more questions, we hired one and fired one (in a nice way), and we found one we love.
I am so thankful for our agency, they have held our hand and walked us through this process in such an incredible way. Just like in pregnancy, they can't make all of our decisions for us. They can't do all the hard work (although to be honest, they do a lot more hard work for us than a doula can for her childbirth clients...). But they have been our advocate. They have provided resources and information. Help when we needed it. They are amazing.
******
In following with the theme of equating our adoption process to pregnancy, labor and birth...
In pregnancy you are given a due date, and your baby is born somewhere around that due date. You get your hopes up and excited and your due date comes and more often than not, baby doesn't. Moms are frustrated, they're tired, they have these crazy hormones racing through their body as their body prepares to labor and the waiting is just so hard. Your expectations were set. You thought baby was coming.
That's kind of how I feel right now. I knew baby coming early (March) wasn't likely - but I held out a glimmer of hope. I knew baby coming on time (April) was probable - but I kept a corner of my heart protected in case I was wrong. And today we got the official news, baby is coming late (May), very late in my opinion. My heart desperately wanted March or April.
The difference though, and this is what makes it the hardest. When you're pregnant and waiting for baby, you're still holding your baby. My arms are empty while we wait. And that makes me very sad. Each day he is away is one more day that he grows and his face changes, his personality changes, and we're missing it.
I look at Z and I can see how every day she changes a little bit more and what am I missing? I know that he is loved and cared for, but I miss him.
******
A few posts back (which might be awhile since I haven't been able to post much lately) I throughout the question of why we would adopt when we can't afford it.
It was a hard question to ask because I feel like it deserves an answer. A few people responded quite encouragingly to us, reminding us of the call God put on our hearts and our lives to adopt.
And I can't find an answer better than that one. Years ago, before I ever knew that having babies would be difficult for us, my heart was drawn to adoption. Before I ever met Aaron, I wanted it to be apart of my story. When Aaron and I were married we always bounced around the idea of adopting a child or children someday. We didn't even at that time understand what that would look like, or mean, we just knew we wanted to. Amazing how God can use a little "want to".
I feel the answer to the question is as simple as that. We know that God has already provided all that we need to bring home our son. We just haven't seen it yet. When he opened our eyes and our hearts to be willing, he provided.
Why are we adopting when we aren't incredibly wealthy people? Because we want to. Because God called us to. Because our hearts are forever attached to a little boy desperate for a forever family. We are his family. That's the answer.
Will we adopt again? I don't know. It is hard to think of anything past bringing home Doron right now. It is hard for us to have any idea what God has for us, because none of our journey has been what we would have pictured it to be.
My greatest fear is that people will think we chose adoption because having biological children is too difficult for us. No, that's not it. There are days and moments where I might have felt that that was it - that adoption was easier than experiencing loss over and over again - but deep down, that is not the reason we chose to adopt.
We have chosen adoption because this is what God called us to do. This is his heart, and he has made it ours too.
******
I went to see The Dropbox movie tonight. I was gripped throughout the whole film. I felt like I couldn't move, my heart just overwhelmed. In it was a woman that I admire. It took me by surprise really, I didn't know she would be in the movie. Last summer I opened a letter and in it was a picture of this woman holding a little boy, and my heart did a little flip flop. I looked up and a woman in her mid-60's rode past me on a bicycle. And I thought 'who am I going to be when I'm that age?' I was holding in my hand a photo of a woman who has given her life to help the orphans, and saw before me the image of what I thought I wanted for my retired life; to ride my bike through my small town, to worry about my garden, my friends, and my grandchildren. There is nothing wrong with that idea, but what I really want is to be making a difference in the lives of children who have no one else.
God has given me such a gift with Amariss, Zemirah, and Doron. I cannnot imagine not sharing the love he has given with so many more children.
*****
If you stuck through this post until the end, wow, you amaze me. I wanted to split it up into more than one post, but I am fairly certain (based on my track record) it's going to be awhile before I can put another post together. Maybe I'll surprise myself, but I haven't been very consistent.
As you can see I have a lot of emotion running through me right now. And so much more that I just can't share right now.
Thank you for praying for our family, for being a part of our journey.
God bless,
Brie
1.28.2015
Life, Updates, Steps Forward
I left the social media world on Sunday evening. I said my internal goodbye's and prepared myself for 3 days without Facebook.
You're laughing.
I know. I know. I know exactly how it sounds. A stay-at-home mom, addicted to Facebook, and blogs, and Instagram... and everything else that keeps her connected to the rest of the world. It's almost cliche. Well, it is a little true. Our church entered 3 days of prayer and fasting, and my husband asked me to give up social media.
It was difficult that first day, and the second... and the third... I even dreamed about accidentally getting on Facebook on my phone. I would check my email and have to not absentmindedly click on Facebook. I know the truths about it all - I know that it's easy to get sucked in to. How one article shared just starts you on a vicious cycle clinging to news stories. Yes, I get my news from Facebook.
Anyway - it really is all besides the point. These 3 days were liberating, and the conversation I missed in the van on the way home because I was finally able to peruse Facebook, was dissappointing. I need to be more aware of my surroundings, less caring of the goings on in other people's lives, focusing on the happenings around me and my family. These littles are growing up way to fast.
One of our youth students preached an absolutely astounding - phenmonenal out of this world message tonight. She really opened herself up to be vulnerable and let the Holy Spirit use her. Wow.
Sunday morning, our Pastor preached an amazing message. My heart began a much needed healing and my spirit a much needed awakening.
God is doing an incredible thing. He is moving in incredible ways. I can't wait to see how this story unfolds.
Monday morning I settled in with my lovelies to spend the morning with them, and take some time with Jesus. Monday afternoon we received in the mail an amazing part of adoption news. I mean it was so exciting, it was like Christmas. For Christmas we got our LOA, for January we got our I-800 provisional approval! (It's okay that you don't know what that means!) This is a HUGE piece of our puzzle!! We our now waiting on our NVC letter so we can file our DS-260! Still confusing words... but our time is drawing near!! Those dates of March or April?? That's for real. We'll be going to China in March or April of this year to bring home our son. It doesn't even seem real, yet it does seem so real...
I have been nesting up a storm! Cleaning out stuff we don't need, trying to rearrange. Seriously. You didn't think you could nest if you weren't physically pregnant? Oh, you can. It's the strangest thing.
Monday night as we were headed to bed I checked my email quickly and hidden between unnecessary advertisements was our Update. We have been waiting since November to receive our update on our little boy. In our update we were gifted with a video!! And we watch it over and over and over again. We cannot wait to bring him home!!
So, we have been on cloud nine since Monday. It's like floating on surreal air, and we're only going to float some more!
With getting closer to leaving though, we know we are getting closer to needing more money! We know that God is going to provide, but how - he is mysterious.
Last week I was worried about our finances. We had been running into one road block after another, and I was overwhelmed with how we would ever have enough to bring home our baby. I recieved a check in the mail from a medical bill I had overpaid and I felt like it was God confirming, that he has it all taken care of. The next day I recieved another check, this one mine returned to me becuase I had already paid that bill. Another reminder that he is watching over us. Neither of the checks were for more than a few dollars, but it brought me the peace I needed to continue to trust in his faithfulness.
We are so excited about the next few weeks. We have so much to continue doing but we are so very very excited! Thank you all for praying for us and believing with us. And for all who have donated, your generosity is blowing us away. Our hearts are just overwhelmed with all that you are doing for us. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
You're laughing.
I know. I know. I know exactly how it sounds. A stay-at-home mom, addicted to Facebook, and blogs, and Instagram... and everything else that keeps her connected to the rest of the world. It's almost cliche. Well, it is a little true. Our church entered 3 days of prayer and fasting, and my husband asked me to give up social media.
It was difficult that first day, and the second... and the third... I even dreamed about accidentally getting on Facebook on my phone. I would check my email and have to not absentmindedly click on Facebook. I know the truths about it all - I know that it's easy to get sucked in to. How one article shared just starts you on a vicious cycle clinging to news stories. Yes, I get my news from Facebook.
Anyway - it really is all besides the point. These 3 days were liberating, and the conversation I missed in the van on the way home because I was finally able to peruse Facebook, was dissappointing. I need to be more aware of my surroundings, less caring of the goings on in other people's lives, focusing on the happenings around me and my family. These littles are growing up way to fast.
One of our youth students preached an absolutely astounding - phenmonenal out of this world message tonight. She really opened herself up to be vulnerable and let the Holy Spirit use her. Wow.
Sunday morning, our Pastor preached an amazing message. My heart began a much needed healing and my spirit a much needed awakening.
God is doing an incredible thing. He is moving in incredible ways. I can't wait to see how this story unfolds.
Monday morning I settled in with my lovelies to spend the morning with them, and take some time with Jesus. Monday afternoon we received in the mail an amazing part of adoption news. I mean it was so exciting, it was like Christmas. For Christmas we got our LOA, for January we got our I-800 provisional approval! (It's okay that you don't know what that means!) This is a HUGE piece of our puzzle!! We our now waiting on our NVC letter so we can file our DS-260! Still confusing words... but our time is drawing near!! Those dates of March or April?? That's for real. We'll be going to China in March or April of this year to bring home our son. It doesn't even seem real, yet it does seem so real...
I have been nesting up a storm! Cleaning out stuff we don't need, trying to rearrange. Seriously. You didn't think you could nest if you weren't physically pregnant? Oh, you can. It's the strangest thing.
Monday night as we were headed to bed I checked my email quickly and hidden between unnecessary advertisements was our Update. We have been waiting since November to receive our update on our little boy. In our update we were gifted with a video!! And we watch it over and over and over again. We cannot wait to bring him home!!
So, we have been on cloud nine since Monday. It's like floating on surreal air, and we're only going to float some more!
With getting closer to leaving though, we know we are getting closer to needing more money! We know that God is going to provide, but how - he is mysterious.
Last week I was worried about our finances. We had been running into one road block after another, and I was overwhelmed with how we would ever have enough to bring home our baby. I recieved a check in the mail from a medical bill I had overpaid and I felt like it was God confirming, that he has it all taken care of. The next day I recieved another check, this one mine returned to me becuase I had already paid that bill. Another reminder that he is watching over us. Neither of the checks were for more than a few dollars, but it brought me the peace I needed to continue to trust in his faithfulness.
We are so excited about the next few weeks. We have so much to continue doing but we are so very very excited! Thank you all for praying for us and believing with us. And for all who have donated, your generosity is blowing us away. Our hearts are just overwhelmed with all that you are doing for us. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
7.17.2014
Remembering
July is when Aaron and I remember four anniversaries of miscarriages from the past 8 years. Half of our miscarriages have occurred in July, it has no longer become dates for us, but throughout the whole month it rests in the back of our minds. Our first miscarriage occurred on July 20, 2006.
I know I've written often about our miscarriages and our anniversaries. We are now 8 months from our last miscarriage, so for us it feels strange. 8 months doesn't seem like long, but when you are back to back miscarriage to pregnancy - infertility to miscarriage - pregnancy to miscarriage - adoption to pregnancy - miscarriage to adoption, you feel like you're on a roller coaster.
Right now we are in the early stages of our adoption. It feels a lot like being at the end of your first trimester, you are finally ready to accept this pregnancy and believe this baby is really going to come home. You still have a long way to go, your ultrasound is still months away, but you are excited. Meeting your baby someday seems real.
So to be remembering these anniversaries while being in a strange state of "pregnancy" leaves me feeling surreal about them all. Like I can look back and say, "Wow, God - look what you did and look where you are taking us!"
I love this song by Matt Redman:
Never Once
Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
The words echo exactly what my heart feels, like we are standing on a mountaintop, looking back on all that we went through or that we're kneeling on the battleground, remembering the war that was fought and all that our hearts experienced. I feel like we can look at our hearts and see our own scars and our muscles bear the strength of the struggle. But through it all - and I've always said this - never once did we not feel God's love, his faithfulness, his strength carrying us through it all.
I remember pregnant with Zemirah, just weeks after our 6th miscarriage, reading and owning
2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself."
I felt so faithless, I had no confidence that that pregnancy would bring me a baby in my arms. I knew God was good, I knew he was faithful and I knew that when I went through another miscarriage I would survive. I am thankful that God had different plans for the little life growing inside of me.
This July we remember the lives of our little ones in heaven. Amariss speaks often and openly about her brothers and sisters in heaven. Their lives hold value to her and to us. They are a part of our family and someday we will meet them, hold them, and pour on them all the love we have missed.
I am so thankful that this July we celebrate all of our children;
Baby K, Tiny, Itty Bitty, Amariss, Cinco, Woven, Bunnin, Zemirah, Isaiah, Little One, and our soon to be Baby Boy.
 |
| Amariss found and loved on a baby blue jay yesterday. |
 |
| Zemirah danced and praised Jesus with me this morning. |
1.20.2014
Learning To Let God Lead
I was driving into town last week and I heard this song on the radio. I believe it hit me, quite hard it felt, that for a long time I have been trying to write my own story. This is probably the reason that I find people that have what I want, a knowledge of what their future holds, and I'm jealous of them. Even more jealous if they have that knowledge and are pursuing their passion, and it's something (I think) I want for my life also, but am not sure if that is the direction in which I am headed.
Am I rambling? Does that make sense? In my book study last spring, Unglued by Lisa Turkhurst, there was a whole chapter on jealousy. That chapter was like a cold bucket of water over my head. Yikes! That was one of the first times I have really taken on the knowledge that I fight jealousy. It's a companion I need to learn how to shake, and hopefully I am learning how to shake. I tried bottling it up, and putting on a happy smiley face, but no, that just makes me stew and become bitter. I thought that maybe telling people when I was jealous of them would help me shake it, but no, that just makes me look (and feel) like an idiot.
Ah, I see, jealousy is from the evil one, the one who wants me to look like an idiot, push people away, and become angry and bitter.
In life, there are a thousand different reasons to be jealous. Someone always has it better, there is always something to be desired. Whether it be a job, a family, a dream - someone always has something you could want, or desire.
When I look back at my adult life I can see that God has taken me on an interesting journey. One I never would have imagined 10 years ago, when I was a young college student, engaged to be married and living with my neighbors, studying for a degree I (kind of) intended to use, in a field I (kind of) enjoyed. To be honest, it was the grace of God that led me to that degree, the one that opened doors and got me on my start to being a childbirth educator and later birth doula. I love what I do. I couldn't imagine loving any other job (outside of my role as a mom) more.
I never once imagined I'd be the woman I am today, with the passions I have today. I never once imagined that I would homeschool, or care about red dye and high fructose corn syrup (seriously, I love fruit snacks and twinkies - er, I did... okay, I do still love fruit snacks), or be passionate about natural childbirth, or passionate about natural anything (again, the girl who popped ibuprofen in high school like it was candy and thought McDonalds could pass as a healthy meal). I never once imagined that we would have miscarriage after miscarriage and wonder how many children we would have. I also never once imagined that I would doubt myself or that I wouldn't know what the next step would be.
And that's where I am. I don't know what the rest of the story is, and often times I try so hard to write it for God only to find myself more confused and frustrated than before. But I forget, he has written it thus far; He has opened doors, presented opportunities, and shaped me and molded me along the way, all in his timing, for his purposes.
So I think listening to this song this week has been a good reminder to me to stop playing with God's pen. A reminder to be fully invested in the current life God has called me to lead and when the time is right, he will guide me to the next step, whatever that may be. We are all on different paths, because we are all different people. Some of us are called to take similar journeys, but no journey is ever identical to or better than someone else's.
A journey is a journey, and I will let God lead mine.
**This post was written late at night, after reviewing it this morning I would like to add that I am not insanely jealous as the piece might suggest. But I do believe that I struggle with jealousy just like anyone else. I am not focusing this post directed at any specific person or event, it is just general reflection.**
*This post has been edited*
1.03.2014
I haven't felt motivated to write, there have just been so many unknowns and really who wants to write about the unknowns?
2013 was an absolutely interesting year. It was January of last year that Aaron and I began pursuing adoption. It was then that I began highly anticipating my 30th birthday when we could submit our dossier to China. I knew that by October we would either be in the process of adopting, or beginning the process to adopt from China. Then in March we unexpectedly found out that we were expecting Isaiah. Our plans instantly changed as we anticipating meeting another baby. In May we miscarried our son and then we were left confused. Grieving, waiting.
By October we were ready to begin pursuing adoption again, although the grieving process never really ends it just changes. We had both become open to domestic adoption and began interviewing agencies. By mid-November we had interviewed and chosen an agency and were ready to proceed. We filled out the paperwork - and then you never heard from us again!
By this point, you'd think that we were half way through our homestudy, or getting ready to start it - something, right?
Instead, we're still waiting --which explains the silence.
In November, just before our adoption packet was set to arrive at the agency office, we received some health information that caused us to request the agency return us our packet before cashing our check, before risking losing a portion of our fees.
(The answer to your burning question is - no I am NOT pregnant)
Although, we are healthy and pulling our packet turns our to have not been necessary the timing is nothing short of strange.
At that point, we had two choices, immediately resend our packet -or- wait. We chose to wait, we were entering the holiday season which is always busy, and Aaron's job has had a lot of projects lately which have kept him from being home much. We decided to wait until January.
And now January is here, and we're no closer to knowing what to do. Isn't that interesting?
We continue to wait and to pray, knowing that God will give us wisdom, guidance, understanding, and direction - all in his timing.
Like I always ask, will you continue to pray with us?
I am confident that one of these days I'll be announcing the newest member of our family, but today is not that day, and I'm learning to be okay with that - that it might not even be this year.
I am constantly reminded of Psalm 27:14
2013 was an absolutely interesting year. It was January of last year that Aaron and I began pursuing adoption. It was then that I began highly anticipating my 30th birthday when we could submit our dossier to China. I knew that by October we would either be in the process of adopting, or beginning the process to adopt from China. Then in March we unexpectedly found out that we were expecting Isaiah. Our plans instantly changed as we anticipating meeting another baby. In May we miscarried our son and then we were left confused. Grieving, waiting.
By October we were ready to begin pursuing adoption again, although the grieving process never really ends it just changes. We had both become open to domestic adoption and began interviewing agencies. By mid-November we had interviewed and chosen an agency and were ready to proceed. We filled out the paperwork - and then you never heard from us again!
By this point, you'd think that we were half way through our homestudy, or getting ready to start it - something, right?
Instead, we're still waiting --which explains the silence.
In November, just before our adoption packet was set to arrive at the agency office, we received some health information that caused us to request the agency return us our packet before cashing our check, before risking losing a portion of our fees.
(The answer to your burning question is - no I am NOT pregnant)
Although, we are healthy and pulling our packet turns our to have not been necessary the timing is nothing short of strange.
At that point, we had two choices, immediately resend our packet -or- wait. We chose to wait, we were entering the holiday season which is always busy, and Aaron's job has had a lot of projects lately which have kept him from being home much. We decided to wait until January.
And now January is here, and we're no closer to knowing what to do. Isn't that interesting?
We continue to wait and to pray, knowing that God will give us wisdom, guidance, understanding, and direction - all in his timing.
Like I always ask, will you continue to pray with us?
I am confident that one of these days I'll be announcing the newest member of our family, but today is not that day, and I'm learning to be okay with that - that it might not even be this year.
I am constantly reminded of Psalm 27:14
Wait for the Lord,
Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
11.18.2013
Step-by-step...
I knew I would blog this week, there is so much to say, but I haven't known how to say it.
Really, there hasn't been a whole lot to report. I made a surprise trip to Arkansas two weekends ago to surprise my mom for her birthday! (and if I was really great at taking pictures I'd have some for you, but wrangling two kids by myself for a 12 hr drive was enough).
On our way to Arkansas we got the news that our application had been accepted by the agency and we were ready to move on with the next step! That step was signing a lot of paperwork...
Officially, the paperwork has been signed and mailed, and according to the United States Postal Service should arrive at our agency's head office on Thursday. Woohoo!
I really feel God's hand in all of this. Down to every last tiny, seemingly unimportant detail like our paperwork arriving on Thursday, November 21.
A little over 6 months ago we miscarried a little boy, Isaiah. Many of you have seen our posts and have shown us so much support. Amazingly, our hearts have healed so well from this loss, which I know is nothing short of God's divine goodness. We were blessed to have a memorial service for him, and because of this, his loss helped bring closure to us from 7 years of miscarriages.
We had begun looking into adoption in January of this year, long before we knew we were expecting. With our pregnancy we put adoption off to the side for awhile. When we lost Isaiah, and were ready to pursue adoption again, I knew I would not be fully ready until we had passed and mourned his due date. This Wednesday, November 20, is Isaiah's due date.
He sees us, he hears us. He knows exactly who we are, and where we are in our journey. God does not take a single thing for granted.
Sunday, one of our pastor's reminded us that "Our God takes impossibilities and makes them possibilities." That is so true. From step one he has taken what seems impossible to us and opened a door and made it a possibility. He has closed doors that we may have wanted to step through, knowing it wasn't the right plan for us. We are completely trusting Him as we take one more step toward our possibility.
Today we also remember our 2nd miscarriage. Our little baby, Tiny, was miscarried on November 18, 2006. Sometimes I wonder when I will stop remembering these anniversaries, but my heart feels that as long as we live, we won't. These little ones, a part of our lives for an incredibly too short amount of time, are a part of us. We lost Tiny while at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference, we were a little over 6 weeks along.
So, this week is strangely bittersweet. We mourn a lot of loss but look forward with tempered anticipation for all that is to come.
Really, there hasn't been a whole lot to report. I made a surprise trip to Arkansas two weekends ago to surprise my mom for her birthday! (and if I was really great at taking pictures I'd have some for you, but wrangling two kids by myself for a 12 hr drive was enough).
On our way to Arkansas we got the news that our application had been accepted by the agency and we were ready to move on with the next step! That step was signing a lot of paperwork...
Officially, the paperwork has been signed and mailed, and according to the United States Postal Service should arrive at our agency's head office on Thursday. Woohoo!
I really feel God's hand in all of this. Down to every last tiny, seemingly unimportant detail like our paperwork arriving on Thursday, November 21.
A little over 6 months ago we miscarried a little boy, Isaiah. Many of you have seen our posts and have shown us so much support. Amazingly, our hearts have healed so well from this loss, which I know is nothing short of God's divine goodness. We were blessed to have a memorial service for him, and because of this, his loss helped bring closure to us from 7 years of miscarriages.
We had begun looking into adoption in January of this year, long before we knew we were expecting. With our pregnancy we put adoption off to the side for awhile. When we lost Isaiah, and were ready to pursue adoption again, I knew I would not be fully ready until we had passed and mourned his due date. This Wednesday, November 20, is Isaiah's due date.
He sees us, he hears us. He knows exactly who we are, and where we are in our journey. God does not take a single thing for granted.
Sunday, one of our pastor's reminded us that "Our God takes impossibilities and makes them possibilities." That is so true. From step one he has taken what seems impossible to us and opened a door and made it a possibility. He has closed doors that we may have wanted to step through, knowing it wasn't the right plan for us. We are completely trusting Him as we take one more step toward our possibility.
Today we also remember our 2nd miscarriage. Our little baby, Tiny, was miscarried on November 18, 2006. Sometimes I wonder when I will stop remembering these anniversaries, but my heart feels that as long as we live, we won't. These little ones, a part of our lives for an incredibly too short amount of time, are a part of us. We lost Tiny while at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference, we were a little over 6 weeks along.
So, this week is strangely bittersweet. We mourn a lot of loss but look forward with tempered anticipation for all that is to come.
10.16.2013
The Garage Sale
Our first adoption fundraiser was last Saturday! We had a garage sale to help raise funds and it was so exciting. My very good friends spent Wednesday and Thursday at my mother-in-laws house tagging/organizing/sorting all in preparation for Friday afternoon and Saturday. And my mother-in-law deserves a medal of honor for watching my kids AND my friends' kids all day Wednesday and Thursday!!
There were so many generous friends who donated so much to this sale! There is no way we would have done so well without all of you! We had a full garage and full driveway with everything from nearly every size of children's clothing, to toys, to maternity clothes, to housewares, to a huge toolbox and fencing!
It was amazing.
Everything did not sell :( but we are going to pack everything back up and try again for the spring city-wide! We might have a baby by then (who knows?) but even if we do, we will still be paying for this adoption, so all the funds will still go towards our adoption fund.
9.05.2013
Waiting
I know, tragedy. It clearly was not the end of the world, and I knew God had all things working out in the end, but I couldn't help but wonder how this was going to work with my plan. I had told my mom earlier that summer that my plan was to date someone for two years and then get married, in between my sophomore and junior year of college. (Why this was my master plan, I'm not entirely sure.) My mom chuckled and suggested I "find somebody quick, since I would be getting married in two years."
I was walking through the small corridor of the office I had worked at my junior and senior year of high school, I was just thinking. There wasn't a whole lot of chitchat in this office (surprisingly,since it was an office of all women) everyone was always working on what they were doing - and my job - well, it was rather brainless, so I thought a lot. This one particular afternoon, I was thinking about all the crushes I'd had over the years and had even daydreamed about marrying the cute guy that worked at the assessors office whom I had never talked to. I was walking between rows of file cabinets and my desk, and I heard it - "Wait for the Lord." It was completely clear to me, as though a voice literally spoke it. And I was done. I was done pining over guys I'd seen, I was done daydreaming about who I'd marry - I was even okay with not getting married. I literally stopped in my tracks grabbed a piece of yellow note paper and a pencil and wrote it down and stuck it in my pocket. When I got home, I nailed it to my bulletin board.
It was done, I was done.
That was my first experience with "waiting for the Lord" - and, I was particularly blessed with God understanding how very little patience I have when it was just 3 days later that I received a phone call from a friend asking me to come over a for an impromptu party, and it was there that I met the man who would become my best friend and later my husband. (I'm happy to say, that I did get married when I would have been in between my sophomore and junior year of college, had I continued on that far...)
My next experience with "waiting for the Lord" came a few years later. Our church had a Wednesday morning prayer time and my good friend and I would go and pray for about an hour. For a few weeks while I was praying I felt compelled to memorize Psalm 27. The final verse (v 14) says:
"Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord."
I relied on this verse for years. I clung to these verses when my husband and I disagreed on when was the right time to have a baby. I clung to these verses when we experienced miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage and I didn't know when we would be able to have a baby. I've quoted this verse over and over to myself throughout the years.
And now - years later, it is still ringing true.
Last night when our worship time was finished our pastor began reading Psalm 27. At the time, I didn't realize it; I knew the verses were familiar but couldn't quite place them, and then just a few verses in it hit me - I know this chapter! And I knew what was coming - "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Waiting, I'm still not very good at it. A day of waiting feels like an eternity but I know it will soon be over. I know that while I want to wish away waiting, I don't want to wish away life so I am learning, so slowly it seems, to wait patiently for the Lord.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
The last few weeks have felt like they are just dragging; two steps forward, one step back. An email that gets my hopes up, and then knowing its not what we are supposed to do. Insurance calls, doctors office calls and visits, all working up to one test - and then more waiting. Results - that will bring more waiting.
Waiting, waiting, waiting.
It reminds me of the line in the Dr. Suess book Oh, the Places You'll Go.
"The Waiting Place ... for people just waiting."
It goes on to say:
"NO! That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing."
I feel like, that's where we are right now - the Waiting Place - but it is exactly where we are supposed to be.
All this waiting, its doing something in us, it is growing us, preparing us, changing us for who we are going to be - for where we are going to be. We are headed into a new stage of our lives, with new and different adventures. T
hings will not be easier, but they will be different.
And right now, right here - this waiting place - this is the only place that I feel confident is where God has us for now. I hope we don't hang out here for long, but if we do - we know that it is all in preparation for something greater.
8.25.2013
Help me find it
Wasting time on facebook tonight, a friend had posted this song.
It is by Sidewalk Prophets, and not one I had heard before, but it fits exactly how we feel right now.
I can't remember who I have told what to, so if I'm repeating myself I will edit it later. Our final test results for the last blood test we needed done to check for an immun... uh, there are words I don't know or understand about to be said - immuno - something... Essentially, here's the down-low:
In January of 2007 we had a giant gammot of blood tests done to determine potential causes for our recurrent miscarriages. They checked for things like Lupus, MTHFR, and some other things... Something to the effect of, if your immune system attacks the baby it causes tiny blood clots in the placenta and the baby cannot get the oxygen and nutrients it needs and dies, and then you miscarry. Well, back in 2007 they didn't know as much as they know now, so there is another test in that protocol that I hadn't had done. The Beta 2 Glycoproteins test. I had another test done (and I can't remember what it was called either) - because in 2007 my results tested "intermediate" which really doesn't mean anything, and would not be a cause of miscarriage but they retested it anyway.
Because the things they tested this time had a treatment, if I tested positive for either of them my miscarriage risk would drop to 15 -20 % (normal for most women) if I were to get pregnant and follow the treatment protocol.
However, I tested in the normal range for both of these. Which is good, I'm glad I don't have anything wrong with me, but it still leaves us looking for answers. It also leaves us with a miscarriage risk of 30-50% because of our history.
So, now we are at a crossroads with big decisions to make. And to be honest, for the first time in months my husband and I are on the same page.
We both agree, we're on the "wait and see" page. We don't know what to do. So for now, we wait for what God might show us. Praying for big answers in the next few months - the kind with giant flashing signs that say "THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!"
This song says exactly what I'm thinking and feeling tonight. Thank you so much for all of your prayers on this journey, we really do appreciate all of them!
It is by Sidewalk Prophets, and not one I had heard before, but it fits exactly how we feel right now.
I can't remember who I have told what to, so if I'm repeating myself I will edit it later. Our final test results for the last blood test we needed done to check for an immun... uh, there are words I don't know or understand about to be said - immuno - something... Essentially, here's the down-low:
In January of 2007 we had a giant gammot of blood tests done to determine potential causes for our recurrent miscarriages. They checked for things like Lupus, MTHFR, and some other things... Something to the effect of, if your immune system attacks the baby it causes tiny blood clots in the placenta and the baby cannot get the oxygen and nutrients it needs and dies, and then you miscarry. Well, back in 2007 they didn't know as much as they know now, so there is another test in that protocol that I hadn't had done. The Beta 2 Glycoproteins test. I had another test done (and I can't remember what it was called either) - because in 2007 my results tested "intermediate" which really doesn't mean anything, and would not be a cause of miscarriage but they retested it anyway.
Because the things they tested this time had a treatment, if I tested positive for either of them my miscarriage risk would drop to 15 -20 % (normal for most women) if I were to get pregnant and follow the treatment protocol.
However, I tested in the normal range for both of these. Which is good, I'm glad I don't have anything wrong with me, but it still leaves us looking for answers. It also leaves us with a miscarriage risk of 30-50% because of our history.
So, now we are at a crossroads with big decisions to make. And to be honest, for the first time in months my husband and I are on the same page.
We both agree, we're on the "wait and see" page. We don't know what to do. So for now, we wait for what God might show us. Praying for big answers in the next few months - the kind with giant flashing signs that say "THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!"
This song says exactly what I'm thinking and feeling tonight. Thank you so much for all of your prayers on this journey, we really do appreciate all of them!
7.16.2013
What the future holds....
There has been so much rolling around in my brain these last few weeks about the future and what it holds for our family.
I have ideas spinning like you would not believe and I am sure it is only a matter of time before they are available for all the world to see!
On the miscarriage front -
We have an appointment this Friday to meet with the Genetic Counselor, a MFM, and a MFM/Geneticist. I am excited and nervous about this appointment. I'm sure there will be more genetic tests for us to undergo and hopefully there will be answers. However, I am trying not to get my hopes up as from what I've read 60% of miscarriages remain unexplained even after genetic testing.
My heart is still healing from Isaiah's loss. Moving on is much harder this time and I've had to be careful to guard my heart against things that might cause me more grief. It is frustrating to feel limited, but I have been instead pouring myself into some ideas I have and looking forward to the vast realm of possibilities that God could have laid out for us.
There is so much inside of me I just might burst! And every day brings us one step closer.
I have ideas spinning like you would not believe and I am sure it is only a matter of time before they are available for all the world to see!
On the miscarriage front -
We have an appointment this Friday to meet with the Genetic Counselor, a MFM, and a MFM/Geneticist. I am excited and nervous about this appointment. I'm sure there will be more genetic tests for us to undergo and hopefully there will be answers. However, I am trying not to get my hopes up as from what I've read 60% of miscarriages remain unexplained even after genetic testing.
My heart is still healing from Isaiah's loss. Moving on is much harder this time and I've had to be careful to guard my heart against things that might cause me more grief. It is frustrating to feel limited, but I have been instead pouring myself into some ideas I have and looking forward to the vast realm of possibilities that God could have laid out for us.
There is so much inside of me I just might burst! And every day brings us one step closer.
6.11.2013
Set-backs, hurdles, & hoops
All around the merry-go-round the monkey chased the weasel...
Yep, that's how it goes! I'm the monkey, another child is the weasel... one day it will just POP! There's the weasel!
But we could be chasing it for a very long time.
Let me start at the beginning of yesterday. I received a letter in the mail from my insurance regarding the out-of-network provider referral. In it, I discovered that I was not approved for testing or treatment by and MFM, I was approved for a Consult Only. (Bolded and Underlined, just like that).
After that I called to reschedule my appointment with UofI because of my out-of-state schedule conflict. After several phone calls, and transfers - I found my way to the right people. But, they were out for lunch.
A few hours later my call was returned by the Genetic Counselor to just schedule my appointment herself. Which I thought was pretty nice of her. I found out that my appointment is not with an MFM only. My appointment is in their once a month Genetics Clinic, in which my husband and I will meet with the Genetic Counselor, a Maternal Fetal Specialist, and someone else... (unfortuanately, my mind was a little blown during our conversation to retain what type of doctor the third person is.) They will sit down with us for an hour, go over everything there is to go over and then give us their recommendations. We then can go somewhere else to get the tests done if we need to.
Anyway, it sounds hopeful, but also a little disheartening. Since its a once a month deal and I can't make the June clinic, I have to wait until July. But even then I don't really have a new doctor, or a follow up appointment, or a clear vision of where we go from here.
So there you have it - more chasing, more dreaming.
All for the best I suppose, I'm not ready yet to begin trying for another baby anyway.
Yep, that's how it goes! I'm the monkey, another child is the weasel... one day it will just POP! There's the weasel!
But we could be chasing it for a very long time.
Let me start at the beginning of yesterday. I received a letter in the mail from my insurance regarding the out-of-network provider referral. In it, I discovered that I was not approved for testing or treatment by and MFM, I was approved for a Consult Only. (Bolded and Underlined, just like that).
After that I called to reschedule my appointment with UofI because of my out-of-state schedule conflict. After several phone calls, and transfers - I found my way to the right people. But, they were out for lunch.
A few hours later my call was returned by the Genetic Counselor to just schedule my appointment herself. Which I thought was pretty nice of her. I found out that my appointment is not with an MFM only. My appointment is in their once a month Genetics Clinic, in which my husband and I will meet with the Genetic Counselor, a Maternal Fetal Specialist, and someone else... (unfortuanately, my mind was a little blown during our conversation to retain what type of doctor the third person is.) They will sit down with us for an hour, go over everything there is to go over and then give us their recommendations. We then can go somewhere else to get the tests done if we need to.
Anyway, it sounds hopeful, but also a little disheartening. Since its a once a month deal and I can't make the June clinic, I have to wait until July. But even then I don't really have a new doctor, or a follow up appointment, or a clear vision of where we go from here.
So there you have it - more chasing, more dreaming.
All for the best I suppose, I'm not ready yet to begin trying for another baby anyway.
4.27.2013
**Stress**
The stress of this pregnancy really weighs on me. In some ways I want to stay busy and forget about it, but in others I'm afraid being busy will only bring on more cramps and more bleeding. So, I sit and I wait - and I go to the bathroom - and I sit and wait some more...
I've had a lot more bleeding today and my mind keeps wondering, will it be tonight? this weekend? or will this just drag out for awhile? will there be a heartbeat at my appointment on Thursday? if not, then what? if so, do I just continue like this - waiting?
Yesterday was so perfect, hardly any spotting at all, hardly any cramping and today, wham. If I didn't know better I'd think I'd gotten my period... again. It's all so un-spectacular.
People keep making comments about the baby's gender, that maybe this one will be a boy. I keep telling my husband that if this baby comes out in November - I don't care what it is! I'll just be happy we got to have it!
I'm sure many of you can relate. I've never enjoyed a first trimester, they were always stressful atleast until 8 weeks, then I would let my guard down and breathe a little easier. But this one, wow, I've never felt so shaken and unsure. There is a whole new meaning and level to leaning on God that I am desperately trying to learn. And oh, it is so very hard.
I keep reminding myself that whatever the outcome of this situation God is still good.
We will survive, God is good.
Baby or no baby, God is good.
God is good.
God is good.
God is good.
I've had a lot more bleeding today and my mind keeps wondering, will it be tonight? this weekend? or will this just drag out for awhile? will there be a heartbeat at my appointment on Thursday? if not, then what? if so, do I just continue like this - waiting?
Yesterday was so perfect, hardly any spotting at all, hardly any cramping and today, wham. If I didn't know better I'd think I'd gotten my period... again. It's all so un-spectacular.
People keep making comments about the baby's gender, that maybe this one will be a boy. I keep telling my husband that if this baby comes out in November - I don't care what it is! I'll just be happy we got to have it!
I'm sure many of you can relate. I've never enjoyed a first trimester, they were always stressful atleast until 8 weeks, then I would let my guard down and breathe a little easier. But this one, wow, I've never felt so shaken and unsure. There is a whole new meaning and level to leaning on God that I am desperately trying to learn. And oh, it is so very hard.
I keep reminding myself that whatever the outcome of this situation God is still good.
We will survive, God is good.
Baby or no baby, God is good.
God is good.
God is good.
God is good.
4.24.2013
In between the lines
I'm in a very strange place right now. I live in a constant inner struggle between excitement and panic. Logic over rules emotion at some moments and at others emotion wins over logic. I can't wait for the day when logic and emotion are in sync with each other - barring that the emotion and logic are good and not disastrous. I start to feel joy and happiness and then another memory or story triggers the fear that can cripple a person and tie them to the couch for weeks at a time.
My only solace is know that at the end of this I will have survived, however, knowing how I've survived is still questionable. Will it be tears of joy, elated at the miracle unfolding before me - or tears of anguish that my heart has been shattered yet again and another precious angel joins his siblings in heaven?
There is truly no way of knowing at this point how this will turn out, and I never ever thought that this far into a pregnancy I would still have so much confusion. Nearly 10 weeks along, but still bleeding, still cramping. However, the ultrasound shows a healthy baby, growing perfectly happily bouncing around in there. And now I know, it really is me. All these years, and all these miscarriages I've wondered if maybe it was something genetic. That maybe my two little girls are truly miracles of genetics lining up perfectly because there was something faulty with the connection. But no, we have a perfect baby growing in there, nothing wrong with the connection. The bleeding is me, but there is really no explanation, no reason, and possibly no problem. There is just no way of knowing right now.
I laid down and took a nap with my sweet Z this morning. She is 11 months old and cutting some teeth, which has induced a snoodly nose. I listened to her heavy breathing, traced her perfect face and for awhile stared into her beautiful blue eyes. If you've met my girls you can see that even though they're 4 1/2 years apart they look nearly identical. And from our ultrasound we can already see that little Tic Tac carries the same profile and face shape of his/her big sisters.
So you see, if I lose this one it will be different from all the others.
It won't be just bleeding; I will see the baby.
I will hold our baby.
I will kiss our baby.
And oh my heart, I don't know if I can take that.
For now, we continue to wait and oh, how I pray this story has a happy ending. How every moment of every day my hand is over my womb, praying for a safe environment. How just a few weeks ago I had normal perfect pregnancy discharge and now I'm thankful for the moments when it is just light spotting. The bleeding comes in the evening and early morning. The cramping hangs around on and off all day. Yesterday's bleeding was lighter than the day before, I hope today's follows the same pattern. And oh, how I pray that two and three weeks from now I'm joyfully updating my facebook cover photo with a cute announcement that baby #3 is on the way!
It's so hard not to be envious of those who post those pregnancy announcements early on, knowing their world has never been tainted with the difficult feeling of loss.
** Please if you do read this, I have not made this pregnancy public. Please do not share this information with anyone or mention it on facebook or in person at church etc. Thank you very much!!
My only solace is know that at the end of this I will have survived, however, knowing how I've survived is still questionable. Will it be tears of joy, elated at the miracle unfolding before me - or tears of anguish that my heart has been shattered yet again and another precious angel joins his siblings in heaven?
There is truly no way of knowing at this point how this will turn out, and I never ever thought that this far into a pregnancy I would still have so much confusion. Nearly 10 weeks along, but still bleeding, still cramping. However, the ultrasound shows a healthy baby, growing perfectly happily bouncing around in there. And now I know, it really is me. All these years, and all these miscarriages I've wondered if maybe it was something genetic. That maybe my two little girls are truly miracles of genetics lining up perfectly because there was something faulty with the connection. But no, we have a perfect baby growing in there, nothing wrong with the connection. The bleeding is me, but there is really no explanation, no reason, and possibly no problem. There is just no way of knowing right now.
I laid down and took a nap with my sweet Z this morning. She is 11 months old and cutting some teeth, which has induced a snoodly nose. I listened to her heavy breathing, traced her perfect face and for awhile stared into her beautiful blue eyes. If you've met my girls you can see that even though they're 4 1/2 years apart they look nearly identical. And from our ultrasound we can already see that little Tic Tac carries the same profile and face shape of his/her big sisters.
So you see, if I lose this one it will be different from all the others.
It won't be just bleeding; I will see the baby.
I will hold our baby.
I will kiss our baby.
And oh my heart, I don't know if I can take that.
For now, we continue to wait and oh, how I pray this story has a happy ending. How every moment of every day my hand is over my womb, praying for a safe environment. How just a few weeks ago I had normal perfect pregnancy discharge and now I'm thankful for the moments when it is just light spotting. The bleeding comes in the evening and early morning. The cramping hangs around on and off all day. Yesterday's bleeding was lighter than the day before, I hope today's follows the same pattern. And oh, how I pray that two and three weeks from now I'm joyfully updating my facebook cover photo with a cute announcement that baby #3 is on the way!
It's so hard not to be envious of those who post those pregnancy announcements early on, knowing their world has never been tainted with the difficult feeling of loss.
** Please if you do read this, I have not made this pregnancy public. Please do not share this information with anyone or mention it on facebook or in person at church etc. Thank you very much!!
9.24.2011
100 Days of Beholding - Day 1
I was invited by a friend on facebook to be a part of "100 Days of Beholding" Check out her document and join in on the revelation.
I want to share with all of you a few of my beholdings as I go through this journey. Today is Day 1 for me, and although I won't subject you to every entry of mine - I want you to see some of my highlights.
#1) I'm thankful for time of stress. they increase my faith and teahch me to trust [God] even when I don't want to. Trusting involves letting go - and letting go means I could get hurt. But I've leavned that you are good and even when my heart is broken you love me most. So in this time of stress, when my only choice is to trust you - I let go and know that you are always good.
I am one who chooses to avoid stress at all cost. Whether it is avoiding confrontation, avoiding traffic, avoiding grocery stores...you get the idea. I avoid stress because I fear I don't handle it well. Sometimes, stress, is unavoidable and its learning to handle it, and handle it well that teaches the most about who God is.
#6 I'm thankful for [our daughter]; a fun loving child, full of joy, who mimicks our acts of love and has taught us that gentle parenting, although heard work - is worth the effort. A child who is by no means perfect but speaks trust in simple words; when I'm sick "Jesus will heal you, Mommy." A risk taker from the beginning - bold and strong willed - she will shake this woorld for Jesus as she grows and matures in him. She is all real - nothing fake in her and when she commits her life to Christ she will be unmoveable.
I often times speak of my child as a handful, difficult, exhausting; terms that in no way build up her charachter. But she is so much more than that - she is all that we prayed for in a daughter. Strong willed, unshakeable, loves deeply. I compare her to other children, raised similarly, and wonder 'hHve I done something wrong?' but I know... I know.... She doesn't commit until she's sold out - and when this one sells out for Christ - the world will never be the same.
I look forward to what the rest of the 99 days brings. I know that this is an exercise in believing, beholding, and becoming. I don't want to become complacent in my place of life.
I want to share with all of you a few of my beholdings as I go through this journey. Today is Day 1 for me, and although I won't subject you to every entry of mine - I want you to see some of my highlights.
#1) I'm thankful for time of stress. they increase my faith and teahch me to trust [God] even when I don't want to. Trusting involves letting go - and letting go means I could get hurt. But I've leavned that you are good and even when my heart is broken you love me most. So in this time of stress, when my only choice is to trust you - I let go and know that you are always good.
I am one who chooses to avoid stress at all cost. Whether it is avoiding confrontation, avoiding traffic, avoiding grocery stores...you get the idea. I avoid stress because I fear I don't handle it well. Sometimes, stress, is unavoidable and its learning to handle it, and handle it well that teaches the most about who God is.
#6 I'm thankful for [our daughter]; a fun loving child, full of joy, who mimicks our acts of love and has taught us that gentle parenting, although heard work - is worth the effort. A child who is by no means perfect but speaks trust in simple words; when I'm sick "Jesus will heal you, Mommy." A risk taker from the beginning - bold and strong willed - she will shake this woorld for Jesus as she grows and matures in him. She is all real - nothing fake in her and when she commits her life to Christ she will be unmoveable.
I often times speak of my child as a handful, difficult, exhausting; terms that in no way build up her charachter. But she is so much more than that - she is all that we prayed for in a daughter. Strong willed, unshakeable, loves deeply. I compare her to other children, raised similarly, and wonder 'hHve I done something wrong?' but I know... I know.... She doesn't commit until she's sold out - and when this one sells out for Christ - the world will never be the same.
I look forward to what the rest of the 99 days brings. I know that this is an exercise in believing, beholding, and becoming. I don't want to become complacent in my place of life.
9.14.2011
A whole lot of everyone
I've been spending a lot of time in the lab getting my blood drawn lately. They're running hormone blood work on me. As I sit there (for what seems forever) I see lots of people come and go.
There is the man in the Chicago Bears sweatshirt (Go Bears! - I almost told him that too), the older lady; dressed well, the husband and wife couple that didn't sit next to each other (and I was in the middle), the little boy and his mom, a young handicapped girl; younger than Am with her mom and grandmother, the lady with a learning disability who was worried about her doctor's appt at 2:30, the woman hoping to retrieve her husband's x-rays.
And we all sat, and we all waited.
All of us waiting for different things.
Why were we there? Was it a life or death result? Was anyone praying for good news?
As we waited Am sang her favorite song from Tangled, her new favorite movie. Some people smiled at her, some look at me like I was crazy, most just ignored her. I thought she was adorable.
It hit me again, as it often does, that we all are living this world with something.
Why did the Chicago Bears man need his lab work? Why was the handicapped woman so worried about her appointment? Is the little boy healthy? the little girl? What about the woman all dressed up? Was she dressed up to make her feel better, because inside she feels so sick?
I've heard so many stories this week of life and death. Good news, bad news. A sick mom, a baby lost, a baby gained. We are all here, and God is working in the midst of it all.
Mark 2:17 "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick."
And here we all are, in great need of the great physician.
There is the man in the Chicago Bears sweatshirt (Go Bears! - I almost told him that too), the older lady; dressed well, the husband and wife couple that didn't sit next to each other (and I was in the middle), the little boy and his mom, a young handicapped girl; younger than Am with her mom and grandmother, the lady with a learning disability who was worried about her doctor's appt at 2:30, the woman hoping to retrieve her husband's x-rays.
And we all sat, and we all waited.
All of us waiting for different things.
Why were we there? Was it a life or death result? Was anyone praying for good news?
As we waited Am sang her favorite song from Tangled, her new favorite movie. Some people smiled at her, some look at me like I was crazy, most just ignored her. I thought she was adorable.
It hit me again, as it often does, that we all are living this world with something.
Why did the Chicago Bears man need his lab work? Why was the handicapped woman so worried about her appointment? Is the little boy healthy? the little girl? What about the woman all dressed up? Was she dressed up to make her feel better, because inside she feels so sick?
I've heard so many stories this week of life and death. Good news, bad news. A sick mom, a baby lost, a baby gained. We are all here, and God is working in the midst of it all.
Mark 2:17 "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick."
And here we all are, in great need of the great physician.
8.11.2011
See you in heaven, Bunnin
This post has been eating at me for weeks. I've just been waiting for when is the right time to say goodbye to this baby. It may seem strange to you that 4 weeks later I'm finally letting go, but that's how it is; a letting go process.
This is the card my mom sent me shortly after we found out we would be losing Bunnin. I've never recieved a card more appropriate for what I was feeling. It was such a relief for me to know that my mom got it. She understood that even though I was sad, I was still filled with joy because I had hope. Hope does not dissappoint.
This is the outfit I bought Bunnin shortly after hearing of his unexpected arrival. (We don't actually know this baby's gender, we assume boy becuase that's what our intuition says). We buy each baby an outfit as soon as I learn they are coming. It's their very own special gift, just for them from us. This outfit will be packed away in a special box with the others.
Hello Bunnin, it is so nice to meet you.
Goodbye Bunnin, I wish I could have held you, kissed you, whispered to you, nursed you. I wish you could have been held by your daddy. He makes everyone smile and I know you would have loved playing with him. I wish you could have met Am, she will be the best big sister a little one could know. Bunnin, I know you are having fun playing with our other babies, your great grandparents, and some cousins. We will be there soon, we love you.
I leave you with this, the verse inside the card my mom sent me.
8.08.2011
Loving in Anger
Anyone who says to me that hundreds of years ago women miscarried and never knew it is well... rediculous. They knew it, they just didn't have a pee stick to prove it.
Post-pregnancy hormonal changes, although nothing compared to that of a longer pregnancy or fullterm delivery are still much much different than normal PMS. Atleast for me.
The past 3 weeks have been one crazy roller coaster and I have to say that today, amidst the cramps and everything else...I'm so thankful to be heading back into my regular cycle and not feeling so irritable and angry all th time.
Which brings me to this post. I have been extremely irritable (to put it nicely) for weeks. weeks. My poor husband can hardly look at me without me making a horribly rude or snide remark.
Last Wednesday I mentioned to you that God was really talking to me about loving people, all the way, for real, which during extreme irritability is really hard for me. And now, post extreme irritability, this is hard to write. Because I'm not angry, so I'm having a hard time remembering what I was even angry about. What I do know is that none of this anger was righteous, holy, Godly... nope... just dumb stupid angry.
What wasn't helping was that I had been really withdrawing myself from people, life, and even God during the past few weeks. I didn't want to anything to do with most people, I just wanted to be regular and I knew that I wasn't, so I hid myself so I could pretend. But the worst part was that I had even stopped spending time with God, and was starting to ignore talking to him aswell... which doesn't help a girl who needs to control her anger.
So, When I pictured God's love, I realized that he loves me still - even when I act like this. He misses me still - even when I act like this. He wants me still - even when I act like this.
I started a word study of the word Love in the Bible. It is helpful to have something to study because when I feel like this my brain has a hard time concentrating and thinking deeply. The first night, the verse I read was the exact same verse PC had preached on on Wednesday night at youth. I know that that was no coincidence!
The second study I did was from Exodus 15:13 "By your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling."
This is so what I needed. By His unfailing love, HE will lead me to himself. That is exactly what I needed right then. In my own strength I couldn't do it, but by his love he will lead me. It was so liberating, so freeing.
Not to say that I haven't still been fighting my attitude and my irritibility, but talking to God, listening for his voice, heeding his warnings (and keeping my mouth shut) has helped immensely!
I know he's not anywhere near done with me, but I'm thankful that I can see this phase coming to an end.
Post-pregnancy hormonal changes, although nothing compared to that of a longer pregnancy or fullterm delivery are still much much different than normal PMS. Atleast for me.
The past 3 weeks have been one crazy roller coaster and I have to say that today, amidst the cramps and everything else...I'm so thankful to be heading back into my regular cycle and not feeling so irritable and angry all th time.
Which brings me to this post. I have been extremely irritable (to put it nicely) for weeks. weeks. My poor husband can hardly look at me without me making a horribly rude or snide remark.
Last Wednesday I mentioned to you that God was really talking to me about loving people, all the way, for real, which during extreme irritability is really hard for me. And now, post extreme irritability, this is hard to write. Because I'm not angry, so I'm having a hard time remembering what I was even angry about. What I do know is that none of this anger was righteous, holy, Godly... nope... just dumb stupid angry.
What wasn't helping was that I had been really withdrawing myself from people, life, and even God during the past few weeks. I didn't want to anything to do with most people, I just wanted to be regular and I knew that I wasn't, so I hid myself so I could pretend. But the worst part was that I had even stopped spending time with God, and was starting to ignore talking to him aswell... which doesn't help a girl who needs to control her anger.
So, When I pictured God's love, I realized that he loves me still - even when I act like this. He misses me still - even when I act like this. He wants me still - even when I act like this.
I started a word study of the word Love in the Bible. It is helpful to have something to study because when I feel like this my brain has a hard time concentrating and thinking deeply. The first night, the verse I read was the exact same verse PC had preached on on Wednesday night at youth. I know that that was no coincidence!
The second study I did was from Exodus 15:13 "By your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling."
This is so what I needed. By His unfailing love, HE will lead me to himself. That is exactly what I needed right then. In my own strength I couldn't do it, but by his love he will lead me. It was so liberating, so freeing.
Not to say that I haven't still been fighting my attitude and my irritibility, but talking to God, listening for his voice, heeding his warnings (and keeping my mouth shut) has helped immensely!
I know he's not anywhere near done with me, but I'm thankful that I can see this phase coming to an end.
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