Life, Updates, Steps Forward

I left the social media world on Sunday evening.  I said my internal goodbye's and prepared myself for 3 days without Facebook.

You're laughing.

I know.  I know.  I know exactly how it sounds.  A stay-at-home mom, addicted to Facebook, and blogs, and Instagram... and everything else that keeps her connected to the rest of the world.  It's almost cliche. Well, it is a little true.  Our church entered 3 days of prayer and fasting, and my husband asked me to give up social media.

It was difficult that first day, and the second... and the third...  I even dreamed about accidentally getting on Facebook on my phone.  I would check my email and have to not absentmindedly click on Facebook.  I know the truths about it all - I know that it's easy to get sucked in to.  How one article shared just starts you on a vicious cycle clinging to news stories.  Yes, I get my news from Facebook.

Anyway - it really is all besides the point.  These 3 days were liberating, and the conversation I missed in the van on the way home because I was finally able to peruse Facebook, was dissappointing.  I need to be more aware of my surroundings, less caring of the goings on in other people's lives, focusing on the happenings around me and my family.  These littles are growing up way to fast.

One of our youth students preached an absolutely astounding - phenmonenal out of this world message tonight.  She really opened herself up to be vulnerable and let the Holy Spirit use her.  Wow.
Sunday morning, our Pastor preached an amazing message.  My heart began a much needed healing and my spirit a much needed awakening.

God is doing an incredible thing.  He is moving in incredible ways.  I can't wait to see how this story unfolds.

Monday morning I settled in with my lovelies to spend the morning with them, and take some time with Jesus.  Monday afternoon we received in the mail an amazing part of adoption news.  I mean it was so exciting, it was like Christmas.  For Christmas we got our LOA, for January we got our I-800 provisional approval!  (It's okay that you don't know what that means!)  This is a HUGE piece of our puzzle!!  We our now waiting on our NVC letter so we can file our DS-260!  Still confusing words... but our time is drawing near!! Those dates of March or April??  That's for real.  We'll be going to China in March or April of this year to bring home our son. It doesn't even seem real, yet it does seem so real...

I have been nesting up a storm!  Cleaning out stuff we don't need, trying to rearrange.  Seriously.  You didn't think you could nest if you weren't physically pregnant?  Oh, you can.  It's the strangest thing.

Monday night as we were headed to bed I checked my email quickly and hidden between unnecessary advertisements was our Update.  We have been waiting since November to receive our update on our little boy.  In our update we were gifted with a video!!  And we watch it over and over and over again.  We cannot wait to bring him home!!

So, we have been on cloud nine since Monday.  It's like floating on surreal air, and we're only going to float some more!

With getting closer to leaving though, we know we are getting closer to needing more money!  We know that God is going to provide, but how - he is mysterious.

Last week I was worried about our finances.  We had been running into one road block after another, and I was overwhelmed with how we would ever have enough to bring home our baby.  I recieved a check in the mail from a medical bill I had overpaid and I felt like it was God confirming, that he has it all taken care of.  The next day I recieved another check, this one mine returned to me becuase I had already paid that bill.  Another reminder that he is watching over us.  Neither of the checks were for more than a few dollars, but it brought me the peace I needed to continue to trust in his faithfulness.

We are so excited about the next few weeks.  We have so much to continue doing but we are so very very excited!  Thank you all for praying for us and believing with us.  And for all who have donated, your generosity is blowing us away.  Our hearts are just overwhelmed with all that you are doing for us.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

I haven't felt motivated to write, there have just been so many unknowns and really who wants to write about the unknowns?

2013 was an absolutely interesting year.  It was January of last year that Aaron and I began pursuing adoption.  It was then that I began highly anticipating my 30th birthday when we could submit our dossier to China.  I knew that by October we would either be in the process of adopting, or beginning the process to adopt from China.  Then in March we unexpectedly found out that we were expecting Isaiah.  Our plans instantly changed as we anticipating meeting another baby.  In May we miscarried our son and then we were left confused.  Grieving, waiting.

By October we were ready to begin pursuing adoption again, although the grieving process never really ends it just changes.  We had both become open to domestic adoption and began interviewing agencies.  By mid-November we had interviewed and chosen an agency and were ready to proceed.  We filled out the paperwork - and then you never heard from us again!

By this point, you'd think that we were half way through our homestudy, or getting ready to start it - something, right?

Instead, we're still waiting --which explains the silence.

In November, just before our adoption packet was set to arrive at the agency office, we received some health information that caused us to request the agency return us our packet before cashing our check, before risking losing a portion of our fees.

(The answer to your burning question is - no I am NOT pregnant)

Although, we are healthy and pulling our packet turns our to have not been necessary the timing is nothing short of strange.

At that point, we had two choices, immediately resend our packet -or- wait.  We chose to wait, we were entering the holiday season which is always busy, and Aaron's job has had a lot of projects lately which have kept him from being home much.  We decided to wait until January.

And now January is here, and we're no closer to knowing what to do.  Isn't that interesting?

We continue to wait and to pray, knowing that God will give us wisdom, guidance, understanding, and direction - all in his timing.

Like I always ask, will you continue to pray with us?

I am confident that one of these days I'll be announcing the newest member of our family, but today is not that day, and I'm learning to be okay with that - that it might not even be this year.

I am constantly reminded of Psalm 27:14

Wait for the Lord, 

Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Waiting

Years ago, before I ever met my husband, I was a young high school graduate weeks away from starting my first day of college.  I was all of the emotions you are supposed to feel heading off to school, but I was also a little bit disappointed: I was 18 years old and I had never had a boyfriend.

I know, tragedy.  It clearly was not the end of the world, and I knew God had all things working out in the end, but I couldn't help but wonder how this was going to work with my plan.  I had told my mom earlier that summer that my plan was to date someone for two years and then get married, in between my sophomore and junior year of college.  (Why this was my master plan, I'm not entirely sure.)  My mom chuckled and suggested I "find somebody quick, since I would be getting married in two years."

I was walking through the small corridor of the office I had worked at my junior and senior year of high school, I was just thinking. There wasn't a whole lot of chitchat in this office (surprisingly,since it was an office of all women) everyone was always working on what they were doing - and my job - well, it was rather brainless, so I thought a lot.  This one particular afternoon, I was thinking about all the crushes I'd had over the years and had even daydreamed about marrying the cute guy that worked at the assessors office whom I had never talked to.  I was walking between rows of file cabinets and my desk, and I heard it - "Wait for the Lord."  It was completely clear to me, as though a voice literally spoke it.  And I was done.  I was done pining over guys I'd seen, I was done daydreaming about who I'd marry - I was even okay with not getting married.  I literally stopped in my tracks grabbed a piece of yellow note paper and a pencil and wrote it down and stuck it in my pocket.  When I got home, I nailed it to my bulletin board.

It was done, I was done.

That was my first experience with "waiting for the Lord" - and, I was particularly blessed with God understanding how very little patience I have when it was just 3 days later that I received a phone call from a friend asking me to come over a for an impromptu party, and it was there that I met the man who would become my best friend and later my husband.  (I'm happy to say, that I did get married when I would have been in between my sophomore and junior year of college, had I continued on that far...)

My next experience with "waiting for the Lord" came a few years later.  Our church had a Wednesday morning prayer time and my good friend and I would go and pray for about an hour.  For a few weeks while I was praying I felt compelled to memorize Psalm 27. The final verse (v 14) says:

"Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord."

I relied on this verse for years.  I clung to these verses when my husband and I disagreed on when was the right time to have a baby.  I clung to these verses when we experienced miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage and I didn't know when we would be able to have a baby. I've quoted this verse over and over to myself throughout the years.  

And now - years later, it is still ringing true.  

Last night when our worship time was finished our pastor began reading Psalm 27.  At the time, I didn't realize it; I knew the verses were familiar but couldn't quite place them, and then  just a few verses in it hit me - I know this chapter!  And I knew what was coming - "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."  

Waiting, I'm still not very good at it.  A day of waiting feels like an eternity but I know it will soon be over.  I know that while I want to wish away waiting, I don't want to wish away life so I am learning, so slowly it seems, to wait patiently for the Lord.  

Wait. Wait. Wait.  

The last few weeks have felt like they are just dragging; two steps forward, one step back.  An email that gets my hopes up, and then knowing its not what we are supposed to do.  Insurance calls, doctors office calls and visits, all working up to one test - and then more waiting.  Results - that will bring more waiting.  

Waiting, waiting, waiting.  

It reminds me of the line in the Dr. Suess book Oh, the Places You'll Go. 

 "The Waiting Place ... for people just waiting."  

It goes on to say:

"NO! That's not for you!  

Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying.  

You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing."

I feel like, that's where we are right now - the Waiting Place - but it is exactly where we are supposed to be.  

All this waiting, its doing something in us, it is growing us, preparing us, changing us for who we are going to be - for where we are going to be.  We are headed into a new stage of our lives, with new and different adventures.  T

hings will not be easier, but they will be different.

And right now, right here - this waiting place - this is the only place that I feel confident is where God has us for now.  I hope we don't hang out here for long, but if we do - we know that it is all in preparation for something greater. 

  

Help me find it

Wasting time on facebook tonight, a friend had posted this song.

It is by Sidewalk Prophets, and not one I had heard before, but it fits exactly how we feel right now.

I can't remember who I have told what to, so if I'm repeating myself I will edit it later.  Our final test results for the last blood test we needed done to check for an immun...  uh, there are words I don't know or understand about to be said - immuno - something...  Essentially, here's the down-low:

In January of 2007 we had a giant gammot of blood tests done to determine potential causes for our recurrent miscarriages.  They checked for things like Lupus, MTHFR, and some other things...  Something to the effect of, if your immune system attacks the baby it causes tiny blood clots in the placenta and the baby cannot get the oxygen and nutrients it needs and dies, and then you miscarry.  Well, back in 2007 they didn't know as much as they know now, so there is another test in that protocol that I hadn't had done.  The Beta 2 Glycoproteins test.  I had another test done (and I can't remember what it was called either) - because in 2007 my results tested "intermediate" which really doesn't mean anything, and would not be a cause of miscarriage but they retested it anyway.

Because the things they tested this time had a treatment, if I tested positive for either of them my miscarriage risk would drop to 15 -20 % (normal for most women) if I were to get pregnant and follow the treatment protocol.

However, I tested in the normal range for both of these.  Which is good, I'm glad I don't have anything wrong with me, but it still leaves us looking for answers.  It also leaves us with a miscarriage risk of 30-50% because of our history.

So, now we are at a crossroads with big decisions to make.  And to be honest, for the first time in months my husband and I are on the same page.

We both agree, we're on the "wait and see" page.  We don't know what to do.  So for now, we wait for what God might show us.  Praying for big answers in the next few months - the kind with giant flashing signs that say "THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!"

This song says exactly what I'm thinking and feeling tonight.  Thank you so much for all of your prayers on this journey, we really do appreciate all of them!

What the future holds....

There has been so much rolling around in my brain these last few weeks about the future and what it holds for our family.

I have ideas spinning like you would not believe and I am sure it is only a matter of time before they are available for all the world to see!

On the miscarriage front -

We have an appointment this Friday to meet with the Genetic Counselor, a MFM, and a MFM/Geneticist.  I am excited and nervous about this appointment.  I'm sure there will be more genetic tests for us to undergo and hopefully there will be answers.  However, I am trying not to get my hopes up as from what I've read 60% of miscarriages remain unexplained even after genetic testing.

My heart is still healing from Isaiah's loss.  Moving on is much harder this time and I've had to be careful to guard my heart against things that might cause me more grief.  It is frustrating to feel limited, but I have been instead pouring myself into some ideas I have and looking forward to the vast realm of possibilities that God could have laid out for us.

There is so much inside of me I just might burst!  And every day brings us one step closer.

Set-backs, hurdles, & hoops

All around the merry-go-round the monkey chased the weasel...

Yep, that's how it goes!  I'm the monkey, another child is the weasel... one day it will just POP!  There's the weasel!

But we could be chasing it for a very long time.

Let me start at the beginning of yesterday.  I received a letter in the mail from my insurance regarding the out-of-network provider referral.  In it, I discovered that I was not approved for testing or treatment by and MFM, I was approved for a Consult Only. (Bolded and Underlined, just like that).

After that I called to reschedule my appointment with UofI because of my out-of-state schedule conflict.  After several phone calls, and transfers - I found my way to the right people.  But, they were out for lunch.

A few hours later my call was returned by the Genetic Counselor to just schedule my appointment herself.  Which I thought was pretty nice of her.  I found out that my appointment is not with an MFM only.  My appointment is in their once a month Genetics Clinic, in which my husband and I will meet with the Genetic Counselor, a Maternal Fetal Specialist, and someone else...  (unfortuanately, my mind was a little blown during our conversation to retain what type of doctor the third person is.)  They will sit down with us for an hour, go over everything there is to go over and then give us their recommendations.  We then can go somewhere else to get the tests done if we need to.

Anyway, it sounds hopeful, but also a little disheartening. Since its a once a month deal and I can't make the June clinic, I have to wait until July.  But even then I don't really have a new doctor, or a follow up appointment, or a clear vision of where we go from here.

So there you have it - more chasing, more dreaming.

All for the best I suppose, I'm not ready yet to begin trying for another baby anyway.