Remembering

July is when Aaron and I remember four anniversaries of miscarriages from the past 8 years.  Half of our miscarriages have occurred in July, it has no longer become dates for us, but throughout the whole month it rests in the back of our minds.  Our first miscarriage occurred on July 20, 2006.

I know I've written often about our miscarriages and our anniversaries.  We are now 8 months from our last miscarriage, so for us it feels strange.  8 months doesn't seem like long, but when you are back to back miscarriage to pregnancy - infertility to miscarriage - pregnancy to miscarriage - adoption to pregnancy - miscarriage to adoption, you feel like you're on a roller coaster.

Right now we are in the early stages of our adoption.  It feels a lot like being at the end of your first trimester, you are finally ready to accept this pregnancy and believe this baby is really going to come home.  You still have a long way to go, your ultrasound is still months away, but you are excited.  Meeting your baby someday seems real.

So to be remembering these anniversaries while being in a strange state of "pregnancy" leaves me feeling surreal about them all.  Like I can look back and say, "Wow, God - look what you did and look where you are taking us!"

I love this song by Matt Redman:

Never Once

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

The words echo exactly what my heart feels, like we are standing on a mountaintop, looking back on all that we went through or that we're kneeling on the battleground, remembering the war that was fought and all that our hearts experienced.  I feel like we can look at our hearts and see our own scars and our muscles bear the strength of the struggle. But through it all - and I've always said this - never once did we not feel God's love, his faithfulness, his strength carrying us through it all.

I remember pregnant with Zemirah, just weeks after our 6th miscarriage, reading and owning 

2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself."  

I felt so faithless, I had no confidence that that pregnancy would bring me a baby in my arms.  I knew God was good, I knew he was faithful and I knew that when I went through another miscarriage I would survive.  I am thankful that God had different plans for the little life growing inside of me.  

This July we remember the lives of our little ones in heaven.  Amariss speaks often and openly about her brothers and sisters in heaven.  Their lives hold value to her and to us.  They are a part of our family and someday we will meet them, hold them, and pour on them all the love we have missed.  

I am so thankful that this July we celebrate all of our children;

Baby K, Tiny, Itty Bitty, Amariss, Cinco, Woven, Bunnin, Zemirah, Isaiah, Little One, and our soon to be Baby Boy.  

Amariss found and loved on a baby blue jay yesterday.

Zemirah danced and praised Jesus with me this morning.

TMI post - you've been warned.

I'm about to divulge more information than the average person would like to know - so if you're not interested in hearing about my "flow" or "discharge" please, divert your eyes.

At about 10 1/2 weeks pregnant, and beginning to see my own small version of a pop I am starting to get excited and relieved about little one joining our family in November.  Yesterday was awesome.  Seriously, My husband has been incredibly supportive the last few weeks, encouraging me to take it easy and picking up all the slack around the house.

I had virtually no spotting or cramping yesterday, it was awesome.  However, by the time I went to bed at 10 pm I was bleeding again.  And this continued most of the night, as I saw every time I was up to use the restroom.

I had horrible dreams all night about miscarriage, c-section, a hysterectomy.  Oy, my brain was really running wild with it.  And today, my family has ventured to Peoria to visit a family member.  I have decided to stay home and really take some R&R and hopefully coax my uterus into being finished bleeding.  1 1/2 weeks until 2nd trimester.  I've been hearing a lot that bleeding is common and if baby is fine, often a sign of no problem whatsoever.  I'm banking on that, but not taking any chances at the moment.

In between the lines

I'm in a very strange place right now.  I live in a constant inner struggle between excitement and panic.  Logic over rules emotion at some moments and at others emotion wins over logic.  I can't wait for the day when logic and emotion are in sync with each other - barring that the emotion and logic are good and not disastrous.  I start to feel joy and happiness and then another memory or story triggers the fear that can cripple a person and tie them to the couch for weeks at a time.

My only solace is know that at the end of this I will have survived, however, knowing how I've survived is still questionable.  Will it be tears of joy, elated at the miracle unfolding before me - or tears of anguish that my heart has been shattered yet again and another precious angel joins his siblings in heaven?

There is truly no way of knowing at this point how this will turn out, and I never ever thought that this far into a pregnancy I would still have so much confusion.  Nearly 10 weeks along, but still bleeding, still cramping.  However, the ultrasound shows a healthy baby, growing perfectly happily bouncing around in there.  And now I know, it really is me.  All these years, and all these miscarriages I've wondered if maybe it was something genetic.  That maybe my two little girls are truly miracles of genetics lining up perfectly because there was something faulty with the connection.  But no, we have a perfect baby growing in there, nothing wrong with the connection.  The bleeding is me, but there is really no explanation, no reason, and possibly no problem.  There is just no way of knowing right now.

I laid down and took a nap with my sweet Z this morning.  She is 11 months old and cutting some teeth, which has induced a snoodly nose.  I listened to her heavy breathing, traced her perfect face and for awhile stared into her beautiful blue eyes.  If you've met my girls you can see that even though they're 4 1/2 years apart they look nearly identical.  And from our ultrasound we can already see that little Tic Tac carries the same profile and face shape of his/her big sisters.

So you see, if I lose this one it will be different from all the others.

It won't be just bleeding; I will see the baby.

I will hold our baby.

I will kiss our baby.

And oh my heart, I don't know if I can take that.

For now, we continue to wait and oh, how I pray this story has a happy ending.  How every moment of every day my hand is over my womb, praying for a safe environment.  How just a few weeks ago I had normal perfect pregnancy discharge and now I'm thankful for the moments when it is just light spotting.  The bleeding comes in the evening and early morning.  The cramping hangs around on and off all day.  Yesterday's bleeding was lighter than the day before, I hope today's follows the same pattern.  And oh, how I pray that two and three weeks from now I'm joyfully updating my facebook cover photo with a cute announcement that baby #3 is on the way!

 It's so hard not to be envious of those who post those pregnancy announcements early on, knowing their world has never been tainted with the difficult feeling of loss.  

** Please if you do read this, I have not made this pregnancy public.  Please do not share this information with anyone or mention it on facebook or in person at church etc.  Thank you very much!!

27 weeks....

Today marks 27 weeks into my pregnancy. 

More importantly, today marks 1 week shy of entering my 3rd trimester!  (can you sense the excitement?)  feel it baby, its real.

I've had so many different and conflicting emotions during this pregnancy.  It's like I'm in a constant battle with myself to enjoy and feel, and hurry through to see my prize.  I want to enjoy what may be my last pregnancy, but after all we've been through - I care much less about the pregnancy and much much more about the baby.

To help me put some things into perspective let me share my disappointments and excitements:

Disppointments

1) I remember pregnancy being way more awesome than this.  I remember it as this magical time in my life with Amariss, where we would just rest and get to know each other, and I didn't have many cares in the world.  I didn't know the reality of babies dying before they should (other than my previous miscarriages).  I didn't understand the truth of the NICU.  I didn't understand the importance of nutrition and exercise, so I ate whatever I wanted.  Now I've heard countless stories of babies dying in the womb, have friends and clients who have lived through the NICU, and struggle daily to make sure I'm putting the right nutrition into my body to feed my growing baby. 

2) I wanted to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, but all I really want now is to hit 37 weeks so I know that if she's born, she'll be safe.  I work with pregnant women, when I'm working, and around 32-33 weeks they get really complainy.  Suddenly, they just want this baby out!  And that's all they talk about.  They talk about feeling sick and tired all through the first trimester, then complain about something else through the second, and finally by the time they reach the third the only thing they feel for pregnancy is I'M DONE!  I never wanted to feel that way.  I longed for a pregnancy for so long that I wanted to treasure every single awful moment and bask in the glory of the good moments.  But now it seems my days are filled with worry and anxiety.  Did she move enough today?  Am I cramping or stretching?  was that another Braxton-Hicks?  How many have I had today?  Why do I feel light headed?  Is it my blood pressure?  Is it my blood sugar?  and the what-ifs keep coming.  And here I am, ready to be done with the what-ifs.  Just ready to enjoy pregnancy, being pregnant, and joyfully (yes, joyfully) anticipating labor and delivery of a beautiful baby girl. 

Excitements

1) I'm learning to trust God more than I ever have before. All those questions mentioned above - they send my anxiety levels sky high, and once again I have to ground myself.  Shortly after I announced my pregnancy I had a conversation with the director at our pregnancy center.  It went something like this:
Me: I just want to be done and have a healthy baby!  There's too much stuff to be worried about during pregnancy!
Vicki: Maybe God designed pregnancy to be 9 months for more than just the development of the baby.  Maybe there are things he wants you to learn too.

And she left it at that.  Yep, lots of trust to be learned.  I find myself hurryng back to the scriptures I've quoted before:

Phillipians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

And there I am, with a pregnancy that has not been as peachy as my fourth, but much peachier than my 1-3 or 5-7 learning in new ways every day to trust God. 

2) I'm gaining a different perspective on pregnancy.  Up until this pregnancy my ideas of what pregnancy "should" or "did" look like were based upon a near flawless pregnancy, things I'd read in books, and 6 miscarriages.  So, essentially - if you made it past 12 weeks I didn't have much for you in the way of "been there, done that" experience.  And now, here I am - in a rougher pregnancy.  Morning sickness that lasted longer than 18 weeks, and was much different than before, and now grappling with blood sugar problems that have yet to be figured out... whether it be high or low.  (glucose tolerance test on wednesday).  I don't want to be a diabetic.  I don't want to be hypoglycemic.  I just want to be normal, like I was with Am.  However, as my mom pointed out to me - I am learning alot, and becoming much more sympathetic towards women who have less than perfect pregnancies. 

3) Labor and Delivery.  Yes, I'm excited about it.  My first labor with Am was long and hard.  I wasn't prepared for a long prodromal period, nor how painful that really can be.  I wasn't the woman then that I am now.  I've grown up, matured, made changes to my lifestyle - and am considerably more educated (not sure if that's a good or bad thing).  I can not wait to experience all that labor and delivery have for me.  I can't wait to put some of my knowledge into real life, first-person experience.  For 3 years I've been educating women on birth, and just waiting until I could experience it too and now my time is coming and I am so very excited. 

I'm ready to be humbled, ready to be tired, ready for the pain - but mostly I'm ready to meet this miracle. 

And that is that. 

27 weeks.

3 months.

I can't wait to hold both my girls in my arms and let all the tears of all we've lost and all we've gained mingle together as I bask in the miracles that are my children. 

God has blessed me abundantly.