We're at the start of the hustle and bustle season, the one that reminds you that there is no such thing as a quick trip to Walmart, or getting everything on your to-do list accomplished. It's cold outside and blustery and I could stand in a hot shower until the hot water runs out and my back itches, but its so worth it just to feel WARM.
It's that season, the one without a free second to think about anything other than what you have to do today, tomorrow, and before then next Christmas party. The one that makes me consider giving up homeschooling because I'm not sure how to do school when there is so much Christmas to do.
I do love this season, though. It's full of crafts, dancing, singing, joy, and so much sugar. All in celebration of something truly wonderful, the birth of Christ.
Today, though, as I stood in that shower much longer than I should have, I was remembering dear friends. The ones that have moved away, or life has gotten between us. Our friendship still runs deep but its been so long since we really talked or spent time together, Many live too far away for this to happen, and a few, we just can't find time in our schedules. But each of these dear friends have impacted my heart so deeply in so many ways.
I have the good friends who came up to visit impromptu, the day they heard I was miscarrying, the friends that went swimming with us while we waited for an impending miscarriage, the cousin that sent me cards for months after my first loss, just to let me know she was thinking of me. There was the impromptu box of sunshine that appeared at my door two weeks after we lost Isaiah, and the blue and yellow flowers that showed up on his due date. There are the friends that were with us when we started to miscarry our second baby, the ones that held us as we cried and prayed over us as we headed for home.
It is strange to me that these would be the things that come into my head while I'm in the midst of the Christmas season and in the midst of all our adoption preparations. But I guess I am reminded that people are what really matter. Whatever impact you make for a family who has lost a child, you are making a lasting impact. Whether your relationship with them is close or not, they will never forget your kind gesture. A card, flowers, a meal. They go the distance in healing a hurting heart.
If you know a family who is experiencing, or has experienced the loss of a baby, in pregnancy or soon after, do something to show that you care. It doesn't have to be showy or expensive, even a simple card to show you're thinking of them can bring some level of comfort.
As always, follow these guidelines for things NOT to say and TO say when someone has lost a baby.
Showing posts with label recurrent miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recurrent miscarriage. Show all posts
7.17.2014
Remembering
July is when Aaron and I remember four anniversaries of miscarriages from the past 8 years. Half of our miscarriages have occurred in July, it has no longer become dates for us, but throughout the whole month it rests in the back of our minds. Our first miscarriage occurred on July 20, 2006.
I know I've written often about our miscarriages and our anniversaries. We are now 8 months from our last miscarriage, so for us it feels strange. 8 months doesn't seem like long, but when you are back to back miscarriage to pregnancy - infertility to miscarriage - pregnancy to miscarriage - adoption to pregnancy - miscarriage to adoption, you feel like you're on a roller coaster.
Right now we are in the early stages of our adoption. It feels a lot like being at the end of your first trimester, you are finally ready to accept this pregnancy and believe this baby is really going to come home. You still have a long way to go, your ultrasound is still months away, but you are excited. Meeting your baby someday seems real.
So to be remembering these anniversaries while being in a strange state of "pregnancy" leaves me feeling surreal about them all. Like I can look back and say, "Wow, God - look what you did and look where you are taking us!"
I love this song by Matt Redman:
Never Once
Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
The words echo exactly what my heart feels, like we are standing on a mountaintop, looking back on all that we went through or that we're kneeling on the battleground, remembering the war that was fought and all that our hearts experienced. I feel like we can look at our hearts and see our own scars and our muscles bear the strength of the struggle. But through it all - and I've always said this - never once did we not feel God's love, his faithfulness, his strength carrying us through it all.
I remember pregnant with Zemirah, just weeks after our 6th miscarriage, reading and owning
2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself."
I felt so faithless, I had no confidence that that pregnancy would bring me a baby in my arms. I knew God was good, I knew he was faithful and I knew that when I went through another miscarriage I would survive. I am thankful that God had different plans for the little life growing inside of me.
This July we remember the lives of our little ones in heaven. Amariss speaks often and openly about her brothers and sisters in heaven. Their lives hold value to her and to us. They are a part of our family and someday we will meet them, hold them, and pour on them all the love we have missed.
I am so thankful that this July we celebrate all of our children;
Baby K, Tiny, Itty Bitty, Amariss, Cinco, Woven, Bunnin, Zemirah, Isaiah, Little One, and our soon to be Baby Boy.
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| Amariss found and loved on a baby blue jay yesterday. |
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| Zemirah danced and praised Jesus with me this morning. |
5.02.2014
Isaiah, we remember you.
It's hard to believe where we were just a year ago. The weather was certainly nicer than it has been, but the weather isn't really what's on my mind. It was a year ago that I woke up early in the morning to cramping in a regular pattern. The cramps became more and more intense: paralyzed by pain, my mind couldn't comprehend what was really happening, while my husband prayed for a miracle.
Isaiah, we met you too soon. You're not just a number in a line-up of recurrent miscarriages for us. You're a God-given reminder of life given and life taken away. You put life to the lives of those like you that have been lost. You put a face and a name to children whose faces and names have not yet been seen or heard.
We have survived, although I wasn't sure I could. We have recovered, but will never forget.
As we move on to the next phase and stage of our lives, we see reminders of you everywhere we go. Spring brings blossoms of bleeding hearts just over where your body rests. A small statue will be placed outside soon, to mark where we laid our eyes upon you one last time. Oh little boy, you were wanted. You were cherished. We live full, happy lives here, but yearn for the days when we are a complete family; when in heaven there are no more tears, no more sadness; where we see all of our children, completely whole.
It is hard to believe, with where we are now, that it has only been one year since we felt so much pain. It was so difficult for me to imagine being the same again. It was difficult for me to imagine not saying your name every day. Darling, I still think of you, nearly every day. I still miss you, nearly every day. My days and life are full, but you are still missing.
I am happy, I am joyful, but I will never not miss having you in my life.
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| 11 weeks gestation |
11.18.2013
Step-by-step...
I knew I would blog this week, there is so much to say, but I haven't known how to say it.
Really, there hasn't been a whole lot to report. I made a surprise trip to Arkansas two weekends ago to surprise my mom for her birthday! (and if I was really great at taking pictures I'd have some for you, but wrangling two kids by myself for a 12 hr drive was enough).
On our way to Arkansas we got the news that our application had been accepted by the agency and we were ready to move on with the next step! That step was signing a lot of paperwork...
Officially, the paperwork has been signed and mailed, and according to the United States Postal Service should arrive at our agency's head office on Thursday. Woohoo!
I really feel God's hand in all of this. Down to every last tiny, seemingly unimportant detail like our paperwork arriving on Thursday, November 21.
A little over 6 months ago we miscarried a little boy, Isaiah. Many of you have seen our posts and have shown us so much support. Amazingly, our hearts have healed so well from this loss, which I know is nothing short of God's divine goodness. We were blessed to have a memorial service for him, and because of this, his loss helped bring closure to us from 7 years of miscarriages.
We had begun looking into adoption in January of this year, long before we knew we were expecting. With our pregnancy we put adoption off to the side for awhile. When we lost Isaiah, and were ready to pursue adoption again, I knew I would not be fully ready until we had passed and mourned his due date. This Wednesday, November 20, is Isaiah's due date.
He sees us, he hears us. He knows exactly who we are, and where we are in our journey. God does not take a single thing for granted.
Sunday, one of our pastor's reminded us that "Our God takes impossibilities and makes them possibilities." That is so true. From step one he has taken what seems impossible to us and opened a door and made it a possibility. He has closed doors that we may have wanted to step through, knowing it wasn't the right plan for us. We are completely trusting Him as we take one more step toward our possibility.
Today we also remember our 2nd miscarriage. Our little baby, Tiny, was miscarried on November 18, 2006. Sometimes I wonder when I will stop remembering these anniversaries, but my heart feels that as long as we live, we won't. These little ones, a part of our lives for an incredibly too short amount of time, are a part of us. We lost Tiny while at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference, we were a little over 6 weeks along.
So, this week is strangely bittersweet. We mourn a lot of loss but look forward with tempered anticipation for all that is to come.
Really, there hasn't been a whole lot to report. I made a surprise trip to Arkansas two weekends ago to surprise my mom for her birthday! (and if I was really great at taking pictures I'd have some for you, but wrangling two kids by myself for a 12 hr drive was enough).
On our way to Arkansas we got the news that our application had been accepted by the agency and we were ready to move on with the next step! That step was signing a lot of paperwork...
Officially, the paperwork has been signed and mailed, and according to the United States Postal Service should arrive at our agency's head office on Thursday. Woohoo!
I really feel God's hand in all of this. Down to every last tiny, seemingly unimportant detail like our paperwork arriving on Thursday, November 21.
A little over 6 months ago we miscarried a little boy, Isaiah. Many of you have seen our posts and have shown us so much support. Amazingly, our hearts have healed so well from this loss, which I know is nothing short of God's divine goodness. We were blessed to have a memorial service for him, and because of this, his loss helped bring closure to us from 7 years of miscarriages.
We had begun looking into adoption in January of this year, long before we knew we were expecting. With our pregnancy we put adoption off to the side for awhile. When we lost Isaiah, and were ready to pursue adoption again, I knew I would not be fully ready until we had passed and mourned his due date. This Wednesday, November 20, is Isaiah's due date.
He sees us, he hears us. He knows exactly who we are, and where we are in our journey. God does not take a single thing for granted.
Sunday, one of our pastor's reminded us that "Our God takes impossibilities and makes them possibilities." That is so true. From step one he has taken what seems impossible to us and opened a door and made it a possibility. He has closed doors that we may have wanted to step through, knowing it wasn't the right plan for us. We are completely trusting Him as we take one more step toward our possibility.
Today we also remember our 2nd miscarriage. Our little baby, Tiny, was miscarried on November 18, 2006. Sometimes I wonder when I will stop remembering these anniversaries, but my heart feels that as long as we live, we won't. These little ones, a part of our lives for an incredibly too short amount of time, are a part of us. We lost Tiny while at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference, we were a little over 6 weeks along.
So, this week is strangely bittersweet. We mourn a lot of loss but look forward with tempered anticipation for all that is to come.
8.25.2013
Help me find it
Wasting time on facebook tonight, a friend had posted this song.
It is by Sidewalk Prophets, and not one I had heard before, but it fits exactly how we feel right now.
I can't remember who I have told what to, so if I'm repeating myself I will edit it later. Our final test results for the last blood test we needed done to check for an immun... uh, there are words I don't know or understand about to be said - immuno - something... Essentially, here's the down-low:
In January of 2007 we had a giant gammot of blood tests done to determine potential causes for our recurrent miscarriages. They checked for things like Lupus, MTHFR, and some other things... Something to the effect of, if your immune system attacks the baby it causes tiny blood clots in the placenta and the baby cannot get the oxygen and nutrients it needs and dies, and then you miscarry. Well, back in 2007 they didn't know as much as they know now, so there is another test in that protocol that I hadn't had done. The Beta 2 Glycoproteins test. I had another test done (and I can't remember what it was called either) - because in 2007 my results tested "intermediate" which really doesn't mean anything, and would not be a cause of miscarriage but they retested it anyway.
Because the things they tested this time had a treatment, if I tested positive for either of them my miscarriage risk would drop to 15 -20 % (normal for most women) if I were to get pregnant and follow the treatment protocol.
However, I tested in the normal range for both of these. Which is good, I'm glad I don't have anything wrong with me, but it still leaves us looking for answers. It also leaves us with a miscarriage risk of 30-50% because of our history.
So, now we are at a crossroads with big decisions to make. And to be honest, for the first time in months my husband and I are on the same page.
We both agree, we're on the "wait and see" page. We don't know what to do. So for now, we wait for what God might show us. Praying for big answers in the next few months - the kind with giant flashing signs that say "THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!"
This song says exactly what I'm thinking and feeling tonight. Thank you so much for all of your prayers on this journey, we really do appreciate all of them!
It is by Sidewalk Prophets, and not one I had heard before, but it fits exactly how we feel right now.
I can't remember who I have told what to, so if I'm repeating myself I will edit it later. Our final test results for the last blood test we needed done to check for an immun... uh, there are words I don't know or understand about to be said - immuno - something... Essentially, here's the down-low:
In January of 2007 we had a giant gammot of blood tests done to determine potential causes for our recurrent miscarriages. They checked for things like Lupus, MTHFR, and some other things... Something to the effect of, if your immune system attacks the baby it causes tiny blood clots in the placenta and the baby cannot get the oxygen and nutrients it needs and dies, and then you miscarry. Well, back in 2007 they didn't know as much as they know now, so there is another test in that protocol that I hadn't had done. The Beta 2 Glycoproteins test. I had another test done (and I can't remember what it was called either) - because in 2007 my results tested "intermediate" which really doesn't mean anything, and would not be a cause of miscarriage but they retested it anyway.
Because the things they tested this time had a treatment, if I tested positive for either of them my miscarriage risk would drop to 15 -20 % (normal for most women) if I were to get pregnant and follow the treatment protocol.
However, I tested in the normal range for both of these. Which is good, I'm glad I don't have anything wrong with me, but it still leaves us looking for answers. It also leaves us with a miscarriage risk of 30-50% because of our history.
So, now we are at a crossroads with big decisions to make. And to be honest, for the first time in months my husband and I are on the same page.
We both agree, we're on the "wait and see" page. We don't know what to do. So for now, we wait for what God might show us. Praying for big answers in the next few months - the kind with giant flashing signs that say "THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!"
This song says exactly what I'm thinking and feeling tonight. Thank you so much for all of your prayers on this journey, we really do appreciate all of them!
8.16.2013
A quick update!
It has to be a quick update because I'm pretty sure if I blink my life will fly past me!
Homeschooling:
We have been so busy this week with our first week of homeschooling and to top it off I got a cold. So, in between trying to modify lesson plans or prepare for the next day, I was trying to catch sleep where I could and continue to keep up with our regular activities. To say this week has been crazy would be an understatement.
But, my 5 year old is really enjoying Kindergarten at home and my 1 year old hates it. But we'll figure things out with her, it might mean postponing school until her afternoon nap time. Which is what I'm going to try and do today since yesterday was so awful.
On the reproductive front:
After a little bit of office mix-up at my midwife's office (really who can blame them they have a ton of patients) and maybe a misunderstanding on my part, after 3 weeks I finally got my blood tests ordered and drawn on Tuesday afternoon. I haven't heard back yet what the results were. I called yesterday but something tells me I probably won't know until Monday and even then I'll need to schedule an appointment with my midwife to discuss our options from here.
So that is where we sit right now. We are still waiting for answers, and I feel like I'm right on the precipice of major decision making. The outcome of these tests will make a lot of decisions for us right off the top, which is encouraging, but I know that they will also spark more discussion, more planning, and maybe even a little more confusion as we now have to take the next step.
In the meantime I am going to enjoy the weekend coming up. We finally have very little on our agenda and I'm looking forward to enjoying family time and hopefully cleaning the house. (Betya never thought you'd hear me say that, eh?)
Happy Friday!
Homeschooling:
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| My daughter doing a numbers puzzle. |
But, my 5 year old is really enjoying Kindergarten at home and my 1 year old hates it. But we'll figure things out with her, it might mean postponing school until her afternoon nap time. Which is what I'm going to try and do today since yesterday was so awful.
On the reproductive front:
After a little bit of office mix-up at my midwife's office (really who can blame them they have a ton of patients) and maybe a misunderstanding on my part, after 3 weeks I finally got my blood tests ordered and drawn on Tuesday afternoon. I haven't heard back yet what the results were. I called yesterday but something tells me I probably won't know until Monday and even then I'll need to schedule an appointment with my midwife to discuss our options from here.
So that is where we sit right now. We are still waiting for answers, and I feel like I'm right on the precipice of major decision making. The outcome of these tests will make a lot of decisions for us right off the top, which is encouraging, but I know that they will also spark more discussion, more planning, and maybe even a little more confusion as we now have to take the next step.
In the meantime I am going to enjoy the weekend coming up. We finally have very little on our agenda and I'm looking forward to enjoying family time and hopefully cleaning the house. (Betya never thought you'd hear me say that, eh?)
Happy Friday!
7.16.2013
What the future holds....
There has been so much rolling around in my brain these last few weeks about the future and what it holds for our family.
I have ideas spinning like you would not believe and I am sure it is only a matter of time before they are available for all the world to see!
On the miscarriage front -
We have an appointment this Friday to meet with the Genetic Counselor, a MFM, and a MFM/Geneticist. I am excited and nervous about this appointment. I'm sure there will be more genetic tests for us to undergo and hopefully there will be answers. However, I am trying not to get my hopes up as from what I've read 60% of miscarriages remain unexplained even after genetic testing.
My heart is still healing from Isaiah's loss. Moving on is much harder this time and I've had to be careful to guard my heart against things that might cause me more grief. It is frustrating to feel limited, but I have been instead pouring myself into some ideas I have and looking forward to the vast realm of possibilities that God could have laid out for us.
There is so much inside of me I just might burst! And every day brings us one step closer.
I have ideas spinning like you would not believe and I am sure it is only a matter of time before they are available for all the world to see!
On the miscarriage front -
We have an appointment this Friday to meet with the Genetic Counselor, a MFM, and a MFM/Geneticist. I am excited and nervous about this appointment. I'm sure there will be more genetic tests for us to undergo and hopefully there will be answers. However, I am trying not to get my hopes up as from what I've read 60% of miscarriages remain unexplained even after genetic testing.
My heart is still healing from Isaiah's loss. Moving on is much harder this time and I've had to be careful to guard my heart against things that might cause me more grief. It is frustrating to feel limited, but I have been instead pouring myself into some ideas I have and looking forward to the vast realm of possibilities that God could have laid out for us.
There is so much inside of me I just might burst! And every day brings us one step closer.
6.24.2013
I wish I was in my second trimester.
I'm happily away visiting my parents house for the next few weeks. Us girls have left hubby alone to fend for himself as we vacation in a little slice of paradise...
I can't help but remember how I had envisioned this trip a few months ago. Expecting to be nearly 20 weeks pregnant by now, clearly showing and feeling all those kicks and rolls of our 3rd baby.
Instead, I open my facebook news feed all to often and see posts from pregnant friends that have passed me on my journey. The ones that stayed pregnant. I wouldn't wish for anything different for them, but a little piece of my heart aches a tiny bit every time and I sigh and think:
'I wish I was in my second trimester.'
I'm stuck in a strange world. The world at peace, and the world so sad. The world that forgets that Isaiah will not join our family and the world that is so thankful I was able to spend so much time with him and have a beautiful memorial service for him.
To think that I was supposed to be so pregnant this time of year, and now it is sometimes hard for me to remember I even was pregnant just a few months ago. It baffles me.
People ask me how I am, and truly, genuinely, I am good. Really good, God is so faithful, so constant, so true. He has never let me down or abandoned me. I feel his strength when I don't want to go on and his peace when I think the road ahead is too overwhelming. But in the midst of all of that, I just miss Isaiah.
That's all there is to it. I miss him. The little boy I never had a chance to meet. The one we didn't plan but were so excited to have. The one who could have been a playmate for his older cousins and whose big sisters would have dressed him up in fairy costumes and hair bows while he ran around with a sword in his hand and built lego houses.
I miss him, a lot. Every day, I miss him.
So if you ask me how I am, and you can see that I'm truly good, its because I am.
But I still miss my son.
I can't help but remember how I had envisioned this trip a few months ago. Expecting to be nearly 20 weeks pregnant by now, clearly showing and feeling all those kicks and rolls of our 3rd baby.
Instead, I open my facebook news feed all to often and see posts from pregnant friends that have passed me on my journey. The ones that stayed pregnant. I wouldn't wish for anything different for them, but a little piece of my heart aches a tiny bit every time and I sigh and think:
'I wish I was in my second trimester.'
I'm stuck in a strange world. The world at peace, and the world so sad. The world that forgets that Isaiah will not join our family and the world that is so thankful I was able to spend so much time with him and have a beautiful memorial service for him.
To think that I was supposed to be so pregnant this time of year, and now it is sometimes hard for me to remember I even was pregnant just a few months ago. It baffles me.
People ask me how I am, and truly, genuinely, I am good. Really good, God is so faithful, so constant, so true. He has never let me down or abandoned me. I feel his strength when I don't want to go on and his peace when I think the road ahead is too overwhelming. But in the midst of all of that, I just miss Isaiah.
That's all there is to it. I miss him. The little boy I never had a chance to meet. The one we didn't plan but were so excited to have. The one who could have been a playmate for his older cousins and whose big sisters would have dressed him up in fairy costumes and hair bows while he ran around with a sword in his hand and built lego houses.
I miss him, a lot. Every day, I miss him.
So if you ask me how I am, and you can see that I'm truly good, its because I am.
But I still miss my son.
6.11.2013
Set-backs, hurdles, & hoops
All around the merry-go-round the monkey chased the weasel...
Yep, that's how it goes! I'm the monkey, another child is the weasel... one day it will just POP! There's the weasel!
But we could be chasing it for a very long time.
Let me start at the beginning of yesterday. I received a letter in the mail from my insurance regarding the out-of-network provider referral. In it, I discovered that I was not approved for testing or treatment by and MFM, I was approved for a Consult Only. (Bolded and Underlined, just like that).
After that I called to reschedule my appointment with UofI because of my out-of-state schedule conflict. After several phone calls, and transfers - I found my way to the right people. But, they were out for lunch.
A few hours later my call was returned by the Genetic Counselor to just schedule my appointment herself. Which I thought was pretty nice of her. I found out that my appointment is not with an MFM only. My appointment is in their once a month Genetics Clinic, in which my husband and I will meet with the Genetic Counselor, a Maternal Fetal Specialist, and someone else... (unfortuanately, my mind was a little blown during our conversation to retain what type of doctor the third person is.) They will sit down with us for an hour, go over everything there is to go over and then give us their recommendations. We then can go somewhere else to get the tests done if we need to.
Anyway, it sounds hopeful, but also a little disheartening. Since its a once a month deal and I can't make the June clinic, I have to wait until July. But even then I don't really have a new doctor, or a follow up appointment, or a clear vision of where we go from here.
So there you have it - more chasing, more dreaming.
All for the best I suppose, I'm not ready yet to begin trying for another baby anyway.
Yep, that's how it goes! I'm the monkey, another child is the weasel... one day it will just POP! There's the weasel!
But we could be chasing it for a very long time.
Let me start at the beginning of yesterday. I received a letter in the mail from my insurance regarding the out-of-network provider referral. In it, I discovered that I was not approved for testing or treatment by and MFM, I was approved for a Consult Only. (Bolded and Underlined, just like that).
After that I called to reschedule my appointment with UofI because of my out-of-state schedule conflict. After several phone calls, and transfers - I found my way to the right people. But, they were out for lunch.
A few hours later my call was returned by the Genetic Counselor to just schedule my appointment herself. Which I thought was pretty nice of her. I found out that my appointment is not with an MFM only. My appointment is in their once a month Genetics Clinic, in which my husband and I will meet with the Genetic Counselor, a Maternal Fetal Specialist, and someone else... (unfortuanately, my mind was a little blown during our conversation to retain what type of doctor the third person is.) They will sit down with us for an hour, go over everything there is to go over and then give us their recommendations. We then can go somewhere else to get the tests done if we need to.
Anyway, it sounds hopeful, but also a little disheartening. Since its a once a month deal and I can't make the June clinic, I have to wait until July. But even then I don't really have a new doctor, or a follow up appointment, or a clear vision of where we go from here.
So there you have it - more chasing, more dreaming.
All for the best I suppose, I'm not ready yet to begin trying for another baby anyway.
6.06.2013
And round and round we go
**I wrote this post yesterday, and I will add that I am feeling much better today. Not so down and worn out by the hormones. I definitely have a much better perspective today - but these were yesterday's thoughts, and sometimes I do really feel them.**
It's cycle day 2 here and I forgot what this was like. My last actual period was in January, all other since bleeding has been a subchorionic hemorrhage or my miscarriage.
Believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to this cycle. For the first time since purchasing it, I get to use my Diva Cup. Not sure what a Diva Cup is? Click the link - and then cringe... or if you don't want to know, just stay in the dark.
I was not prepared, however, for the HORMONES. Oh.my.goodness. The last week has been a sugar eating disaster, as I try to lead my family towards healthy eating, and then sneak 15 mini snickers after everyone has gone to bed. Or eat 3 smores at the cookout, or down just 1 more cherry coke. Yes, my running has taken a significant hit from all the sugar.
This also happens to be the week that our 1 year old has transitioned out of our bed. The transition has gone so smoothly, so I can't complain - however, she still wakes up to nurse twice a night. Only now, instead of whipping up my shirt for easy and convenient feeding... I must trudge all the way upstairs. And I do mean, trudge.
However, she is sleeping better and longer - and my husbands alarm clock no longer wakes her up at 6 am every morning. Couldn't be happier about that.
Today, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Which is sad really, we slept on new clean sheets last night and they were so soft, I should have woken up happier.
But the cramps, the fatigue, the irritability, everything that accompany's this monthly event is just wearing me down.
On top of everything else, having my period - is just a reminder of everything that was and should be and now isn't. At least, isn't here. Isaiah is, he very much so, is. He just is somewhere else - with Jesus. With 6 other beautiful babies I have not yet met. And I'm down because of that.
Down because I wish I was pregnant, down because I wish I was sleeping in my bed on this rainy day, or cuddled up on the couch watching a movie, or not wondering how in the world I'm going to clean my house before this weekend.
Probably mostly down, because when you're on your period - silver linings are very hard to see. I'm too tired to think clearly and see the other side; that next week I'll feel better. I won't be tired, the sun will be shining and it will *hopefully* be warm, and my memories and heartaches will find their place in my heart, to be moments of reflection and not hours of sadness.
Don't think I'm not happy. I love snuggling with my girls on these days, after reading a sad story I draw them close to me, take deep breaths of their sweet scents and sometimes stinky breath and I know very deeply that I treasure them. That I don't take my girls for granted. That when Isaiah is not here, and when things seem so frustrating and bleak. When I look around and have no one close that really understands it all, I know that I have my sweet girls and one day, not too far awa,y if I think in a heavenly perspective, one day - I will draw in the sweet scent of not just 2 babies, but 9.
9. That number makes my heartache. I've been pregnant 9 times.
If I ever get pregnant again the question I will be asked at every appointment will be "Which pregnancy is this?" 10. "And how many live children?" 2.
Yes. That will be me.
5.27.2013
Acronyms and MFM
In the years since I joined the vast blogging world, mostly reading, sometimes typing - my repertoire of acronyms has greatly increased.
I now know LOTS of acronyms for words people just don't want to type over and over again. It's like being on Facebook when someone rights SMH and you think "what?!"
It's "Shakes My Head" - I know because I googled it.
In the TTC (trying to conceive) world, you'll see acronyms you never knew existed from CM - cervical mucous to RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist. Everyone who's TTC sees an RE - or so it seems.
But when I mentioned the idea of seeing an RE to my MW (midwife) she instead suggested I see someone in Maternal Fetal Medicine - and what did I find out - there's and acronym for that too! MFM
She thinks I should see an MFM because my issue isn't TTC as much as it is RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss)
So - I am on the hunt for an MFM, one that is awesome, and my insurance covers. Good luck to me - because according to the provider network search on their website - this does not exist.
So, tomorrow I call the insurance just to verify that they do not cover MFM's and that I do, indeed, need my midwife's office to fill out an Out Of Network Provider Referral form. And then call my MW office to request they fill out those forms for me...
I hate being a pain in the tush.
I now know LOTS of acronyms for words people just don't want to type over and over again. It's like being on Facebook when someone rights SMH and you think "what?!"
It's "Shakes My Head" - I know because I googled it.
In the TTC (trying to conceive) world, you'll see acronyms you never knew existed from CM - cervical mucous to RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist. Everyone who's TTC sees an RE - or so it seems.
But when I mentioned the idea of seeing an RE to my MW (midwife) she instead suggested I see someone in Maternal Fetal Medicine - and what did I find out - there's and acronym for that too! MFM
She thinks I should see an MFM because my issue isn't TTC as much as it is RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss)
So - I am on the hunt for an MFM, one that is awesome, and my insurance covers. Good luck to me - because according to the provider network search on their website - this does not exist.
So, tomorrow I call the insurance just to verify that they do not cover MFM's and that I do, indeed, need my midwife's office to fill out an Out Of Network Provider Referral form. And then call my MW office to request they fill out those forms for me...
I hate being a pain in the tush.
5.18.2013
Life Lately
I should go to bed, seriously. It's 11:30 pm and Z has gotten into a frustrating habit of waking up at 3:15 am and just hanging out for awhile. I'll be regretting this later I'm sure.
But, I've spent my evening pouring over the memorial pictures, with the song He Weeps by Fireflight running through my head.
Appropriate really, although I haven't done much weeping the last few days, just you know, sighing.
My husband and I finally celebrated our birthday tonight. It was especially wonderful since I enjoyed a huge steak, medium rare, a couple of sweet teas, and way too many Texas Roadhouse rolls. It was delicious. (Thank you parents, we appreciated it!)
I feel like I should give you an update on how we're doing. We're doing good? Good is such a strange way to phrase it, but we're not doing bad? I don't know. I guess, we're moving through this.
Aaron and I were talking to night about how God has strengthened us through this, how he may not have given us the miracle of Isaiah living on Earth, but he is working a miracle through the pain of losing Isaiah. (We worded it more eloquently when we were talking about it earlier). Just that we have seen his hand on our entire pregnancy, from the moment of conception and the several weeks we were clueless to his pregnancy - through to even now. Even now.
When I posted the memorial piece yesterday I posted the song Sunshine by JJ Heller - well yesterday I received in the mail from a friend this:
But, I've spent my evening pouring over the memorial pictures, with the song He Weeps by Fireflight running through my head.
Appropriate really, although I haven't done much weeping the last few days, just you know, sighing.
My husband and I finally celebrated our birthday tonight. It was especially wonderful since I enjoyed a huge steak, medium rare, a couple of sweet teas, and way too many Texas Roadhouse rolls. It was delicious. (Thank you parents, we appreciated it!)
I feel like I should give you an update on how we're doing. We're doing good? Good is such a strange way to phrase it, but we're not doing bad? I don't know. I guess, we're moving through this.
Aaron and I were talking to night about how God has strengthened us through this, how he may not have given us the miracle of Isaiah living on Earth, but he is working a miracle through the pain of losing Isaiah. (We worded it more eloquently when we were talking about it earlier). Just that we have seen his hand on our entire pregnancy, from the moment of conception and the several weeks we were clueless to his pregnancy - through to even now. Even now.
When I posted the memorial piece yesterday I posted the song Sunshine by JJ Heller - well yesterday I received in the mail from a friend this:
The card read: Sending you some sunshine in the midst of your storm
She sent me a box full of everything yellow, it definitely brought me a lot of sunshine and made my day. Everything was yellow!
Sometimes are really good, sometimes I'm really sad. I'm having an especially difficult time with little boys. I miss not having mine. There was a tiny, newborn baby boy in the waiting area at Texas Roadhouse tonight and I just wanted to snatch him up and take him home. I tried to keep that thought to myself though as I'm sure his mother wouldn't appreciate knowing there was a crazy stalker baby stealer in the restaurant. I restrained myself, I did not steal that woman's super cute baby.
But I wanted to...
okay. okay. not really.
but kind of.
Anyway, here are a few pictures of the last few days - As much as there has been sorrow, I've enjoyed my little girls even more. A loss always punctuates a gain and my sweet girls are a big gain. Treasures I tell them, precious treasures.
This little girl adores her daddy!
How Zemirah manages to smile while being squished by her big sister is beyond me, but she loves it!
This is how I spent my Mother's Day afternoon, tickling my girls and really really laughing. It was a hard day, but I really did enjoy my babies.
Yes, that's a booger on Zemirah's chin; it had apparently dried there during her nap and she wouldn't let me pick it off.
So that is a bit of our lives the past few days. God has been very good to us, he has blessed us immensely and as we heal from the loss of Isaiah we will continue to know and feel his blessings even more.
5.16.2013
Isaiah's Song & Memorial Service
I am a big JJ Heller fan. I like to sing "When I'm With You" to my girls and "The Boat Song" to my husband. So it is only fitting that we have a song by JJ Heller for sweet little Isaiah too.
At the end of his memorial service we played "Sunshine" and while the music played my beautiful 5 year old daughter, completely enamored with her tiny baby brother and with a perfect perspective of the wonders of heaven, danced through the whole song.
It was perfect.
While this song plays you can scroll through a few of our memorial pictures. These pictures were taken by two amazing photographers from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. What a beautiful organization, thank you for capturing this day for us.
Isaiah Michael Kellett
May 2, 2013
7:50 am
This was engraved on Isaiah's white keepsake box that we have and also on the inside of the heart shaped box he was buried in.
This box was fitting for our butterfly baby, engraved on the outside was "expect miracles...they happen every day." It speaks well of the short and miraculous life Isaiah lived.
Isaiah's statue
My girls
You'll see in the next few pictures that Amariss was quite the comforter. She loved and adored her little brother very much.
My parents
A prouder big sister, I have never met.
Aaron's mom holding Zemirah; our parents did a wonderful job keeping her occupied and taking turns holding her.
We read:
Isaiah 49:14-23
Isaiah 65:17-24
Isaiah 66:7-13
Our final goodbyes
Amariss loves to finish her dances with a big full Mommy hug
*Isaiah was buried near our Bleeding Heart plant. We found it fitting as it is in full bloom in early May. We were also gifted with a Japanese Maple from Aaron's mom and a Blue Hydrangea from my parents. In addition I received a wind chime from a wonderful group of friends and our once empty shade garden is now very full and has come to possess much meaning.*
5.08.2013
The last 6 days....
I can't believe that tomorrow marks 1 week since we lost our sweet Isaiah. Time has moved slowly and at warp speed at the same time.
1 week ago I got the muffle fixed but it feels like months ago.
1 week ago I bought maternity clothes and a blue whale sweater in anticipation that Tic Tac would be a boy. It feels like just yesterday.
Today was similar to last Wednesday, marked with perfect blue skies and warm sunshine. Only today I could walk to pick Am up from school, and today my neighbor took my girls to the park with her kids so I could have some time to myself. Last week we all laughed and played together on a blanket under the big maple tree while our 5 year olds put on a play about kitties again. We talked about Rat's miscarriage (their cat) and I made a gesture and said "I feel ya sista" as a joke. Oh how true the next day would make that statement.
Thursday was, well, overwhelming. In every sense of the word. I haven't yet decided if I'll post the details of that awful morning, from the early morning cramps to the very end just a few hours later.
We were so blessed to spend 2 1/2 days with our sweet Isaiah, memorizing him, holding him, counting his fingers and toes - loving him just like we would any other baby. Our time with him was just too short.
A few have asked just how we knew Isaiah was a boy, it was quite obvious when he was born. Although it wouldn't have been visible by ultrasound, there is no doubt about it.
My parents made a quick trip up - I say quick because they left within 1 hr of my mom getting home from work, but the 11 hour trip was certainly not quick for them. But they came - and they mourned with us.
We had a beautiful service on Saturday attended by just us and our parents. It was exactly what we all needed and brought healing full circle. We called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and were blessed by two wonderful volunteer photographers who came out and took pictures of our memorial service. They were truly a gift to us as we were able to experience Isaiah's service without thought as to whether or not we would have pictures to remember it by.
My parents had to head back home on Sunday, really - they spent almost more time traveling to get here than they spent here, but I can not thank them enough for making the trip.
These last few days with Aaron back at work have flown. I don't really know where they've gone. I know that there are going to be many emotional battles in the days, weeks, and months ahead.
I will begin teaching again this summer, and was hoping to be able to spend an afternoon a week at the pregnancy center. November will probably be the most difficult, with the elation of Z's birth still pulsing through my veins, my heart will ache on Isaiah's due date more than the others.
I miss him so much already, as I have him pictured as a little boy laughing, running, playing. I can see him jumping off of furniture with a cape and scaring me with snakes and spiders.
Life is full of crazy ups and downs, twists and turns. Heartache and joy mingled into one.
1 week ago I got the muffle fixed but it feels like months ago.
1 week ago I bought maternity clothes and a blue whale sweater in anticipation that Tic Tac would be a boy. It feels like just yesterday.
Today was similar to last Wednesday, marked with perfect blue skies and warm sunshine. Only today I could walk to pick Am up from school, and today my neighbor took my girls to the park with her kids so I could have some time to myself. Last week we all laughed and played together on a blanket under the big maple tree while our 5 year olds put on a play about kitties again. We talked about Rat's miscarriage (their cat) and I made a gesture and said "I feel ya sista" as a joke. Oh how true the next day would make that statement.
Thursday was, well, overwhelming. In every sense of the word. I haven't yet decided if I'll post the details of that awful morning, from the early morning cramps to the very end just a few hours later.
We were so blessed to spend 2 1/2 days with our sweet Isaiah, memorizing him, holding him, counting his fingers and toes - loving him just like we would any other baby. Our time with him was just too short.
A few have asked just how we knew Isaiah was a boy, it was quite obvious when he was born. Although it wouldn't have been visible by ultrasound, there is no doubt about it.
My parents made a quick trip up - I say quick because they left within 1 hr of my mom getting home from work, but the 11 hour trip was certainly not quick for them. But they came - and they mourned with us.
We had a beautiful service on Saturday attended by just us and our parents. It was exactly what we all needed and brought healing full circle. We called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and were blessed by two wonderful volunteer photographers who came out and took pictures of our memorial service. They were truly a gift to us as we were able to experience Isaiah's service without thought as to whether or not we would have pictures to remember it by.
My parents had to head back home on Sunday, really - they spent almost more time traveling to get here than they spent here, but I can not thank them enough for making the trip.
These last few days with Aaron back at work have flown. I don't really know where they've gone. I know that there are going to be many emotional battles in the days, weeks, and months ahead.
I will begin teaching again this summer, and was hoping to be able to spend an afternoon a week at the pregnancy center. November will probably be the most difficult, with the elation of Z's birth still pulsing through my veins, my heart will ache on Isaiah's due date more than the others.
I miss him so much already, as I have him pictured as a little boy laughing, running, playing. I can see him jumping off of furniture with a cape and scaring me with snakes and spiders.
Life is full of crazy ups and downs, twists and turns. Heartache and joy mingled into one.
5.02.2013
Isaiah Michael
I'm sure in the next few days, weeks, and months - as my emotions unravel you will hear much more from me on all of this. Probably every thought, whim, or idea that could possibly seek to provide answers but of course, answers that will really never come this side of eternity.
So, with a heavy heart -
This morning, at 7:50am, on May 2, 2013, I miscarried our son, Isaiah Michael, at 11 weeks 1 day gestation. A beautiful little boy, perfectly formed in every way, will be spending the rest of his days with Jesus and several of his siblings. However, Mommy, Daddy, and big sisters have heavy hearts as we miss our little boy.
Thank you so much for your support, and your prayers over the past few weeks and even as we go through the next few days.
Much love,
Brie
So, with a heavy heart -
This morning, at 7:50am, on May 2, 2013, I miscarried our son, Isaiah Michael, at 11 weeks 1 day gestation. A beautiful little boy, perfectly formed in every way, will be spending the rest of his days with Jesus and several of his siblings. However, Mommy, Daddy, and big sisters have heavy hearts as we miss our little boy.
Thank you so much for your support, and your prayers over the past few weeks and even as we go through the next few days.
Much love,
Brie
4.24.2013
In between the lines
I'm in a very strange place right now. I live in a constant inner struggle between excitement and panic. Logic over rules emotion at some moments and at others emotion wins over logic. I can't wait for the day when logic and emotion are in sync with each other - barring that the emotion and logic are good and not disastrous. I start to feel joy and happiness and then another memory or story triggers the fear that can cripple a person and tie them to the couch for weeks at a time.
My only solace is know that at the end of this I will have survived, however, knowing how I've survived is still questionable. Will it be tears of joy, elated at the miracle unfolding before me - or tears of anguish that my heart has been shattered yet again and another precious angel joins his siblings in heaven?
There is truly no way of knowing at this point how this will turn out, and I never ever thought that this far into a pregnancy I would still have so much confusion. Nearly 10 weeks along, but still bleeding, still cramping. However, the ultrasound shows a healthy baby, growing perfectly happily bouncing around in there. And now I know, it really is me. All these years, and all these miscarriages I've wondered if maybe it was something genetic. That maybe my two little girls are truly miracles of genetics lining up perfectly because there was something faulty with the connection. But no, we have a perfect baby growing in there, nothing wrong with the connection. The bleeding is me, but there is really no explanation, no reason, and possibly no problem. There is just no way of knowing right now.
I laid down and took a nap with my sweet Z this morning. She is 11 months old and cutting some teeth, which has induced a snoodly nose. I listened to her heavy breathing, traced her perfect face and for awhile stared into her beautiful blue eyes. If you've met my girls you can see that even though they're 4 1/2 years apart they look nearly identical. And from our ultrasound we can already see that little Tic Tac carries the same profile and face shape of his/her big sisters.
So you see, if I lose this one it will be different from all the others.
It won't be just bleeding; I will see the baby.
I will hold our baby.
I will kiss our baby.
And oh my heart, I don't know if I can take that.
For now, we continue to wait and oh, how I pray this story has a happy ending. How every moment of every day my hand is over my womb, praying for a safe environment. How just a few weeks ago I had normal perfect pregnancy discharge and now I'm thankful for the moments when it is just light spotting. The bleeding comes in the evening and early morning. The cramping hangs around on and off all day. Yesterday's bleeding was lighter than the day before, I hope today's follows the same pattern. And oh, how I pray that two and three weeks from now I'm joyfully updating my facebook cover photo with a cute announcement that baby #3 is on the way!
It's so hard not to be envious of those who post those pregnancy announcements early on, knowing their world has never been tainted with the difficult feeling of loss.
** Please if you do read this, I have not made this pregnancy public. Please do not share this information with anyone or mention it on facebook or in person at church etc. Thank you very much!!
My only solace is know that at the end of this I will have survived, however, knowing how I've survived is still questionable. Will it be tears of joy, elated at the miracle unfolding before me - or tears of anguish that my heart has been shattered yet again and another precious angel joins his siblings in heaven?
There is truly no way of knowing at this point how this will turn out, and I never ever thought that this far into a pregnancy I would still have so much confusion. Nearly 10 weeks along, but still bleeding, still cramping. However, the ultrasound shows a healthy baby, growing perfectly happily bouncing around in there. And now I know, it really is me. All these years, and all these miscarriages I've wondered if maybe it was something genetic. That maybe my two little girls are truly miracles of genetics lining up perfectly because there was something faulty with the connection. But no, we have a perfect baby growing in there, nothing wrong with the connection. The bleeding is me, but there is really no explanation, no reason, and possibly no problem. There is just no way of knowing right now.
I laid down and took a nap with my sweet Z this morning. She is 11 months old and cutting some teeth, which has induced a snoodly nose. I listened to her heavy breathing, traced her perfect face and for awhile stared into her beautiful blue eyes. If you've met my girls you can see that even though they're 4 1/2 years apart they look nearly identical. And from our ultrasound we can already see that little Tic Tac carries the same profile and face shape of his/her big sisters.
So you see, if I lose this one it will be different from all the others.
It won't be just bleeding; I will see the baby.
I will hold our baby.
I will kiss our baby.
And oh my heart, I don't know if I can take that.
For now, we continue to wait and oh, how I pray this story has a happy ending. How every moment of every day my hand is over my womb, praying for a safe environment. How just a few weeks ago I had normal perfect pregnancy discharge and now I'm thankful for the moments when it is just light spotting. The bleeding comes in the evening and early morning. The cramping hangs around on and off all day. Yesterday's bleeding was lighter than the day before, I hope today's follows the same pattern. And oh, how I pray that two and three weeks from now I'm joyfully updating my facebook cover photo with a cute announcement that baby #3 is on the way!
It's so hard not to be envious of those who post those pregnancy announcements early on, knowing their world has never been tainted with the difficult feeling of loss.
** Please if you do read this, I have not made this pregnancy public. Please do not share this information with anyone or mention it on facebook or in person at church etc. Thank you very much!!
3.01.2012
PAIL Blogroll
You may have noticed a new addition to my blog - An adorable little linky over in the sidebar to the PAIL Blogroll.
What is this Blogroll and what does it mean you ask? Good question!
PAIL stands for Pregnancy/Parenting After Infertility and Loss, and a blogroll is a list of LOTS of us who are all in very similar situations.
The whole reason I started writing The Delicate Balance was because I found myself caught between two worlds - the fertile world, becuase of my daughter, and the infertile world because of our losses and secondary infertility. If you'd like to read my very first post you can find it here.
This world has gotten a little more muddied in the past 6 months when we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant 6 weeks after our 6th loss.
This pregnancy has been interesting as I wonder where I stand with my TTC friends, but yet my heart still aches, yearns for, and desires their companionship because believe it or not - this journey never ends, I still miss my babies.
I don't know what will happen after baby #2 is delivered. I don't know if we will once again enter into the TTC world or if our hearts have been so damaged we'll be looking elsewhere to expand our family. We just don't know.
But for now - we enjoy our 4 yr old, and all her joy, and we look forward to the arrival of our 2nd miracle, even when it still seems so unreal.
Please check out the PAIL Blogroll and find other people just like us who find ourselves navigating this oh so confusing road.
What is this Blogroll and what does it mean you ask? Good question!
PAIL stands for Pregnancy/Parenting After Infertility and Loss, and a blogroll is a list of LOTS of us who are all in very similar situations.
The whole reason I started writing The Delicate Balance was because I found myself caught between two worlds - the fertile world, becuase of my daughter, and the infertile world because of our losses and secondary infertility. If you'd like to read my very first post you can find it here.
This world has gotten a little more muddied in the past 6 months when we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant 6 weeks after our 6th loss.
This pregnancy has been interesting as I wonder where I stand with my TTC friends, but yet my heart still aches, yearns for, and desires their companionship because believe it or not - this journey never ends, I still miss my babies.
I don't know what will happen after baby #2 is delivered. I don't know if we will once again enter into the TTC world or if our hearts have been so damaged we'll be looking elsewhere to expand our family. We just don't know.
But for now - we enjoy our 4 yr old, and all her joy, and we look forward to the arrival of our 2nd miracle, even when it still seems so unreal.
Please check out the PAIL Blogroll and find other people just like us who find ourselves navigating this oh so confusing road.
11.29.2011
And it isn't always as easy as pie
I had my 2nd visit with my midwife today, and I have to say I really love those visits, hearing this little one's heartbeat is just about the best thing ever. Sometimes it can seem like maybe they aren't really growing right or somehow "left" but just the reassurance of that heartbeat it means that they're still there, I'm still here, and somehow - believe it or not - this is real.
At my appointment this afternoon I brought up to my midwife that I've been feeling alot of hip aches, not normal aches but ones that wrap around to my back and sometimes down my legs, very uncomfortable and I don't remember it being that way with my daughter. She asked a few questions and determined that I might be contracting. Although this is nothing to be concerned about yet, and exactly what I had thought it might be, it reminded me again that even though we made it through the first 15 weeks, we still have 23 weeks to go - and that's a long time!
So I've added a magnesium supplement to my diet and will probably begin taking the Welcome Womb again (which I stopped when I felt the pregnancy was good and stuck).
I was reading through a blog tonight about another woman's fertility struggles - No Guarantees - and I realized that even now, and 15 weeks, I'm not really guaranteed tomorrow, (Oh, how that would break my heart) but I'm still trusting and believing in God. I'm still here, further than I've been in years, knowing that God has orchestrated all of this, and knowing that whatever happens... whatever.... He is still good.
At my appointment this afternoon I brought up to my midwife that I've been feeling alot of hip aches, not normal aches but ones that wrap around to my back and sometimes down my legs, very uncomfortable and I don't remember it being that way with my daughter. She asked a few questions and determined that I might be contracting. Although this is nothing to be concerned about yet, and exactly what I had thought it might be, it reminded me again that even though we made it through the first 15 weeks, we still have 23 weeks to go - and that's a long time!
So I've added a magnesium supplement to my diet and will probably begin taking the Welcome Womb again (which I stopped when I felt the pregnancy was good and stuck).
I was reading through a blog tonight about another woman's fertility struggles - No Guarantees - and I realized that even now, and 15 weeks, I'm not really guaranteed tomorrow, (Oh, how that would break my heart) but I'm still trusting and believing in God. I'm still here, further than I've been in years, knowing that God has orchestrated all of this, and knowing that whatever happens... whatever.... He is still good.
11.08.2011
It's My Eighth and I'm still Scared...
I originally posted this on my other blog These Things I Know but felt that it would fit here too.
I have been wanting to write for weeks, maybe months, but I am exhausted. I think of something to write about and 5 minutes later I'm asleep on the couch, the thought completely gone from my brain.
So my hope is that when I start writing, maybe something amazing will just come to me. Something awe-inspiring...something wow.
I'm pregnant, and with that in me comes strange emotions not normally found in my life. Tears, giggles, and rude comments will all come from my mouth within seconds of each other and I feel as if I have no control over it. It's, frankly, a little embarassing sometimes.
Last night was one of those such moments. I went to a meeting that I was thoroughly looking forward to, a group of amazing women that I have the priveledge of surrounding myself with, all talking about childbirth and bringing better childbirth to our community. Right up my alley...I love it!
But last night, I had the giggles. I had recently found out some information that was quite shocking - and frankly - hilarious, and anything anyone said just made me want to laugh at the hilarity of my present situation. So between massive fits of giggles (where my fellow peeps stared at me like I was nuts, because I am a little nuts right now).
It came out among this group to the few who didn't know, that I am pregnant... And for whatever reason last night, I just did not want to acknowledge the fact. I'm very happy that I'm pregnant, it has been a long and very heartbreaking road to get here, but last night I just didn't want to talk about it.
Most of the time I'm very excited about my pregnancy, well, really - all the time - but it still seems so unreal to me. I don't have a belly yet, I don't feel the baby move yet, my sickness is abating, it all seems so foreign now.
A woman asked me if it was my second child and, logically, the answer is yes.
But to me the answer is no.
In the past few months, I've become so connected to those babies that I haven't met, that it breaks my heart to not tell people about them. But it wasn't the place the mention that I had 6 others in heaven that I haven't met yet.
As everyone around me answered for me - yes its her second, and I mumbled, yah its my second.... I thought, "but its not. It's not my second, its my eighth and I'm still scared."
Everything tells me its going to be okay, that I get to meet this one, but can I just tell you that I've been burned, bad. And I'm still scared. I feel it everyday and it irritates me to no end. I can't wait for the day when I know, I just know that its all going to be okay.
I sure hope it comes soon, I pray it comes soon.
thank you for sticking with my random post, sure didn't know it would lead here!
I have been wanting to write for weeks, maybe months, but I am exhausted. I think of something to write about and 5 minutes later I'm asleep on the couch, the thought completely gone from my brain.
So my hope is that when I start writing, maybe something amazing will just come to me. Something awe-inspiring...something wow.
I'm pregnant, and with that in me comes strange emotions not normally found in my life. Tears, giggles, and rude comments will all come from my mouth within seconds of each other and I feel as if I have no control over it. It's, frankly, a little embarassing sometimes.
Last night was one of those such moments. I went to a meeting that I was thoroughly looking forward to, a group of amazing women that I have the priveledge of surrounding myself with, all talking about childbirth and bringing better childbirth to our community. Right up my alley...I love it!
But last night, I had the giggles. I had recently found out some information that was quite shocking - and frankly - hilarious, and anything anyone said just made me want to laugh at the hilarity of my present situation. So between massive fits of giggles (where my fellow peeps stared at me like I was nuts, because I am a little nuts right now).
It came out among this group to the few who didn't know, that I am pregnant... And for whatever reason last night, I just did not want to acknowledge the fact. I'm very happy that I'm pregnant, it has been a long and very heartbreaking road to get here, but last night I just didn't want to talk about it.
Most of the time I'm very excited about my pregnancy, well, really - all the time - but it still seems so unreal to me. I don't have a belly yet, I don't feel the baby move yet, my sickness is abating, it all seems so foreign now.
A woman asked me if it was my second child and, logically, the answer is yes.
But to me the answer is no.
In the past few months, I've become so connected to those babies that I haven't met, that it breaks my heart to not tell people about them. But it wasn't the place the mention that I had 6 others in heaven that I haven't met yet.
As everyone around me answered for me - yes its her second, and I mumbled, yah its my second.... I thought, "but its not. It's not my second, its my eighth and I'm still scared."
Everything tells me its going to be okay, that I get to meet this one, but can I just tell you that I've been burned, bad. And I'm still scared. I feel it everyday and it irritates me to no end. I can't wait for the day when I know, I just know that its all going to be okay.
I sure hope it comes soon, I pray it comes soon.
thank you for sticking with my random post, sure didn't know it would lead here!
10.31.2011
7 weeks pregnant
I can't believe I'm here. Still pregnant at 7 weeks. Although this is not the furthest a pregnancy has gone and then miscarried for me - it is still much further than all but 1.
Which gives me hope, lots and lots of hope.
I still have this fear in my head though, what if?
What if this one doesn't make it?
What if the ultrasound doesn't show a heartbeat?
What if I start to miscarry at youth encounter next weekend or my friend's wedding the following? (and none of these people even know I'm pregnant)
What if there is something wrong with this baby?
What if I get my heart broken again?
But you see - what is hope if it is in things I am certain of? Well, that is not hope at all - that's knowledge.
Trusting God these past few weeks has been especially hard, and to be brutally honest - I've ignored him more than anything.
Infact, I've forgotten that I'm pregnant most days, other than those few moments when I have to take my Welcome Womb (nasty, nasty stuff) or progesterone, or vitamins - or when a good friend calls just to see how I'm holding up.
I hate that I've disconnected myself but connecting myself right now - although I love this child with all that I am - is not what I can handle.
I have too much to do, too much to handle to consider the weight of losing a baby right now. And no time to grieve, so I choose to ignore.
And if this child finds his or her way to heaven before I have a chance to meet them face to face, I will grieve - if the time comes.
(maybe a little too much Cinderella for me, but every time I see "if" italicized I think of Lady Tremaine saying "If you can get your work done and If you can find something suitable to wear" and then explaining to her daughters... "of course I said "If")
As my mother so often said "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Hopefully this road does not take me to that bridge, but right now - I still don't know.
I read this verse on a friend's blog last night - and found that as fitting as it was for her, it fits here as well.
Which gives me hope, lots and lots of hope.
I still have this fear in my head though, what if?
What if this one doesn't make it?
What if the ultrasound doesn't show a heartbeat?
What if I start to miscarry at youth encounter next weekend or my friend's wedding the following? (and none of these people even know I'm pregnant)
What if there is something wrong with this baby?
What if I get my heart broken again?
But you see - what is hope if it is in things I am certain of? Well, that is not hope at all - that's knowledge.
Trusting God these past few weeks has been especially hard, and to be brutally honest - I've ignored him more than anything.
Infact, I've forgotten that I'm pregnant most days, other than those few moments when I have to take my Welcome Womb (nasty, nasty stuff) or progesterone, or vitamins - or when a good friend calls just to see how I'm holding up.
I hate that I've disconnected myself but connecting myself right now - although I love this child with all that I am - is not what I can handle.
I have too much to do, too much to handle to consider the weight of losing a baby right now. And no time to grieve, so I choose to ignore.
And if this child finds his or her way to heaven before I have a chance to meet them face to face, I will grieve - if the time comes.
(maybe a little too much Cinderella for me, but every time I see "if" italicized I think of Lady Tremaine saying "If you can get your work done and If you can find something suitable to wear" and then explaining to her daughters... "of course I said "If")
As my mother so often said "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Hopefully this road does not take me to that bridge, but right now - I still don't know.
I read this verse on a friend's blog last night - and found that as fitting as it was for her, it fits here as well.
“For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”
Romans 8:22-25
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