The first two nights after Doron joined our family bedtime was a piece of cake. In every way; it was easy, it was sweet, it was enjoyable. About the third night though Doron didn't want me anymore. At first when it came to bedtime he would lay his head on my chest and full out lay on top of me, with his tiny little body.
On night three, he didn't want to be anywhere near me. Since then, Doron has preferred Daddy. And by preferred, I mean - he cries like the worst is happening all over again unless Daddy is there to lay him down for naps or bedtime and be there when he wakes up from either. Even this afternoon when Doron woke up from his nap, I went in to get him and pick him up. He cried and cried and cried, huge tears, lots of snot - CRYING; knowing that Daddy is headed back to work this week and that we are going to have to figure this thing out I tried to distract him with his favorite snack. Nothing.. the tears would not stop coming. Only after going outside and getting Daddy, and being held by Daddy did the crying stop and he ate the snack I was still holding.
Doron loves Daddy. No doubt about that. And really, I have no doubt that he loves me too, but for some reason when it comes to sleeping he doesn't trust anyone like he trusts Daddy. And that's ok, because that's what he needs right now.
Tonight was different though. For some reason when we were putting Z down to bed, Doron got really jealous of her snuggling me. Doron wanted Mama. Since Daddy has only put Z to bed once since we got home from China, I picked up Doron and we cheerfully waved goodbye to everyone and headed downstairs to put Doron to bed.
He was so calm. I've never seen him so calm at bedtime. But I sang to him softly all my bedtime songs, twice. And then we laid down in bed together, like we did the first night we had him. I took off my glasses and he touched my face and he called me Nai Nai. It's a small glimpse into his little mind, what all of this must feel like to him.
His Nai Nai is his foster mom. At 18 months old our son was placed in a foster home for 7 months while we waited to be able to travel and get him. During this time he bonded really well with his foster mom, I imagine she must have sang to him quite a lot. She loved him very much. Nai Nai has long straight hair, similar to mine and sometimes I wonder if I was too similar to her for awhile. That he had to learn to separate her and I. Tonight, with my glasses off and half asleep he thought I was Nai Nai and he fell asleep peacefully in my arms.
Our little baby has endured quite a lot in his short life. It can be hard to understand all that our son has gone through because in all my life I haven't suffered the loss that he has. I hope and pray that as he grows, we are able to help him fully process and understand his past, his present, and his future. I pray that God gives him peace as he works out all that he endured. I know it will be a lifelong journey for him to mourn what was and what will never be, and accept what is and all that can be.
Goodnight friends.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
6.14.2015
6.02.2015
Adoption Journey: Our trip to China Part 1
We have been home from China for 3 days now and yesterday marked two weeks as a family of five. There is so much I could write and say, there is so much beautiful and so much perfection and yet his little life is so fragile.
I've always known from living in the world of infertility and pregnancy loss that suggesting an infertile "just adopt" was about the most taboo thing you could say. And I respected it, I honored it, even if at the time I didn't quite understand it.
This past year has been an incredible journey for us full of ups and downs, twists and turns. There have been moments of anxiety and fear, and moments of joy and hope and purpose. We read books and watched what felt like endless hours of videos all in preparation of the great unknown of bringing a wounded child into our family. We prepared ourselves because we knew his heart had been hurt but to what degree we may never know. The hurts that have filled his tiny life he might not even understand, and if he does he might not ever know how to express.
On the other side of the coin, we entered into this process with excitement and anticipation, but also with trepidation knowing that the journey God was calling us into would be wonderful but difficult. There would be tears of joy, but many tears of sadness as we try desperately to navigate our little one through a world that to this point has caused him much pain.
Even up to our leaving for China it felt completely surreal. I would sit and wonder if this was really happening. As we packed bags, bought gifts, confirmed our flights, prepared and prepared and prepared - I wondered the whole time, were we really about to become parents again?
The night before we were set to leave, at 8 pm - when we were scheduled to fly out at 5:45 the following morning, my phone lit up with a text from our airline that our flight had been cancelled. They had immediately put us on a different flight to Chicago, effectively missing our flight to Beijing by 1 hour. We spent the next hour frantically coming up with a plan B, and at 7am the next morning we packed up our minivan and drove to Chicago to catch our flight to Beijing... because living in a small community means cancelling flights just because.
The first 10 months of our journey were easy - difficult because of lots of paperwork, but everything always fit right into place. The last 5 months were frustrating when there was delay after delay in our travel to meet our son. Even up to the very last night.
Our flight to China was incredibly easy. Am had a child's meal which meant her food was infinitely better than the rest of ours and she raved about how nice the flight staff was. And they really were, so she was right on there. All the way to China it felt like a dream... felt like I was sitting in a car for 13 hours to go on a dream vacation. Being in Beijing felt like visiting a big city and us and several other families kept commenting, even as we stood on the Great Wall of China that it didn't feel like we were in China. It felt like we were on a really awesome vacation.
I think that going to Beijing for the first 3 days of our adoption trip was one of the best decisions we could have made. They keep you so ridiculously busy that there is no way you have a chance to stop and realize just how jetlagged you are. You just run on adrenaline as you are shown the great history and culture of your child's birth country. The people of China are so nice and the beauty of the country really overwhelmed me. It saddened me to see a people and culture so beautiful, a family structure deep and strong, but yet know how unfree they are. In the few people we talked to who spoke English that was there comment. They liked the freedoms of America but they loved their country. And to be honest, in a way, we fell in love with their country as well.
Throughout our time in Beijing I constantly wondered if we were really on this trip to bring home our son or if this was all just a ruse. What if there had been a mistake and we really didn't have a child waiting for us? What if they brought us the wrong one? What if all of this was not the end of this journey and we went home empty handed?
Flying to our son's city was quite possibly the best feeling ever. Taking pictures of our first glimpse of Nanjing and knowing that within 24 hours he would be in our arms forever - that was amazing.
The story could continue on forever, and I will finish this another day - but here we are at the climax of our story. The next steps start our newest journey, marking our first few days with our beautiful baby.
Having been home 3 days now and feeling the effects of jetlag worse than ever, my heart is stuck in melancholy. It is frustrating to say the least to be navigating these new challenges with exhaustion as my constant companion. All I want is to spend every waking moment fostering attachment with my new son, but I have to be patient and wait. I have to understand that his hesitation towards me, isn't me at all - it is a history of hurts that I will never fully understand.
I know now that suggesting that a childless family adopt is not appropriate because adoption is a calling, but I also now understand that adoption has always been a part of my calling. We will press on, treasure on, live on, seek on - desperate to secure in our little one a foundation of love, truth, and hope so that his future might be bright and his heart full.
I've always known from living in the world of infertility and pregnancy loss that suggesting an infertile "just adopt" was about the most taboo thing you could say. And I respected it, I honored it, even if at the time I didn't quite understand it.
This past year has been an incredible journey for us full of ups and downs, twists and turns. There have been moments of anxiety and fear, and moments of joy and hope and purpose. We read books and watched what felt like endless hours of videos all in preparation of the great unknown of bringing a wounded child into our family. We prepared ourselves because we knew his heart had been hurt but to what degree we may never know. The hurts that have filled his tiny life he might not even understand, and if he does he might not ever know how to express.
On the other side of the coin, we entered into this process with excitement and anticipation, but also with trepidation knowing that the journey God was calling us into would be wonderful but difficult. There would be tears of joy, but many tears of sadness as we try desperately to navigate our little one through a world that to this point has caused him much pain.
Even up to our leaving for China it felt completely surreal. I would sit and wonder if this was really happening. As we packed bags, bought gifts, confirmed our flights, prepared and prepared and prepared - I wondered the whole time, were we really about to become parents again?
The night before we were set to leave, at 8 pm - when we were scheduled to fly out at 5:45 the following morning, my phone lit up with a text from our airline that our flight had been cancelled. They had immediately put us on a different flight to Chicago, effectively missing our flight to Beijing by 1 hour. We spent the next hour frantically coming up with a plan B, and at 7am the next morning we packed up our minivan and drove to Chicago to catch our flight to Beijing... because living in a small community means cancelling flights just because.
The first 10 months of our journey were easy - difficult because of lots of paperwork, but everything always fit right into place. The last 5 months were frustrating when there was delay after delay in our travel to meet our son. Even up to the very last night.
Our flight to China was incredibly easy. Am had a child's meal which meant her food was infinitely better than the rest of ours and she raved about how nice the flight staff was. And they really were, so she was right on there. All the way to China it felt like a dream... felt like I was sitting in a car for 13 hours to go on a dream vacation. Being in Beijing felt like visiting a big city and us and several other families kept commenting, even as we stood on the Great Wall of China that it didn't feel like we were in China. It felt like we were on a really awesome vacation.
I think that going to Beijing for the first 3 days of our adoption trip was one of the best decisions we could have made. They keep you so ridiculously busy that there is no way you have a chance to stop and realize just how jetlagged you are. You just run on adrenaline as you are shown the great history and culture of your child's birth country. The people of China are so nice and the beauty of the country really overwhelmed me. It saddened me to see a people and culture so beautiful, a family structure deep and strong, but yet know how unfree they are. In the few people we talked to who spoke English that was there comment. They liked the freedoms of America but they loved their country. And to be honest, in a way, we fell in love with their country as well.
Throughout our time in Beijing I constantly wondered if we were really on this trip to bring home our son or if this was all just a ruse. What if there had been a mistake and we really didn't have a child waiting for us? What if they brought us the wrong one? What if all of this was not the end of this journey and we went home empty handed?
Flying to our son's city was quite possibly the best feeling ever. Taking pictures of our first glimpse of Nanjing and knowing that within 24 hours he would be in our arms forever - that was amazing.
The story could continue on forever, and I will finish this another day - but here we are at the climax of our story. The next steps start our newest journey, marking our first few days with our beautiful baby.
Having been home 3 days now and feeling the effects of jetlag worse than ever, my heart is stuck in melancholy. It is frustrating to say the least to be navigating these new challenges with exhaustion as my constant companion. All I want is to spend every waking moment fostering attachment with my new son, but I have to be patient and wait. I have to understand that his hesitation towards me, isn't me at all - it is a history of hurts that I will never fully understand.
I know now that suggesting that a childless family adopt is not appropriate because adoption is a calling, but I also now understand that adoption has always been a part of my calling. We will press on, treasure on, live on, seek on - desperate to secure in our little one a foundation of love, truth, and hope so that his future might be bright and his heart full.
11.18.2013
Step-by-step...
I knew I would blog this week, there is so much to say, but I haven't known how to say it.
Really, there hasn't been a whole lot to report. I made a surprise trip to Arkansas two weekends ago to surprise my mom for her birthday! (and if I was really great at taking pictures I'd have some for you, but wrangling two kids by myself for a 12 hr drive was enough).
On our way to Arkansas we got the news that our application had been accepted by the agency and we were ready to move on with the next step! That step was signing a lot of paperwork...
Officially, the paperwork has been signed and mailed, and according to the United States Postal Service should arrive at our agency's head office on Thursday. Woohoo!
I really feel God's hand in all of this. Down to every last tiny, seemingly unimportant detail like our paperwork arriving on Thursday, November 21.
A little over 6 months ago we miscarried a little boy, Isaiah. Many of you have seen our posts and have shown us so much support. Amazingly, our hearts have healed so well from this loss, which I know is nothing short of God's divine goodness. We were blessed to have a memorial service for him, and because of this, his loss helped bring closure to us from 7 years of miscarriages.
We had begun looking into adoption in January of this year, long before we knew we were expecting. With our pregnancy we put adoption off to the side for awhile. When we lost Isaiah, and were ready to pursue adoption again, I knew I would not be fully ready until we had passed and mourned his due date. This Wednesday, November 20, is Isaiah's due date.
He sees us, he hears us. He knows exactly who we are, and where we are in our journey. God does not take a single thing for granted.
Sunday, one of our pastor's reminded us that "Our God takes impossibilities and makes them possibilities." That is so true. From step one he has taken what seems impossible to us and opened a door and made it a possibility. He has closed doors that we may have wanted to step through, knowing it wasn't the right plan for us. We are completely trusting Him as we take one more step toward our possibility.
Today we also remember our 2nd miscarriage. Our little baby, Tiny, was miscarried on November 18, 2006. Sometimes I wonder when I will stop remembering these anniversaries, but my heart feels that as long as we live, we won't. These little ones, a part of our lives for an incredibly too short amount of time, are a part of us. We lost Tiny while at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference, we were a little over 6 weeks along.
So, this week is strangely bittersweet. We mourn a lot of loss but look forward with tempered anticipation for all that is to come.
Really, there hasn't been a whole lot to report. I made a surprise trip to Arkansas two weekends ago to surprise my mom for her birthday! (and if I was really great at taking pictures I'd have some for you, but wrangling two kids by myself for a 12 hr drive was enough).
On our way to Arkansas we got the news that our application had been accepted by the agency and we were ready to move on with the next step! That step was signing a lot of paperwork...
Officially, the paperwork has been signed and mailed, and according to the United States Postal Service should arrive at our agency's head office on Thursday. Woohoo!
I really feel God's hand in all of this. Down to every last tiny, seemingly unimportant detail like our paperwork arriving on Thursday, November 21.
A little over 6 months ago we miscarried a little boy, Isaiah. Many of you have seen our posts and have shown us so much support. Amazingly, our hearts have healed so well from this loss, which I know is nothing short of God's divine goodness. We were blessed to have a memorial service for him, and because of this, his loss helped bring closure to us from 7 years of miscarriages.
We had begun looking into adoption in January of this year, long before we knew we were expecting. With our pregnancy we put adoption off to the side for awhile. When we lost Isaiah, and were ready to pursue adoption again, I knew I would not be fully ready until we had passed and mourned his due date. This Wednesday, November 20, is Isaiah's due date.
He sees us, he hears us. He knows exactly who we are, and where we are in our journey. God does not take a single thing for granted.
Sunday, one of our pastor's reminded us that "Our God takes impossibilities and makes them possibilities." That is so true. From step one he has taken what seems impossible to us and opened a door and made it a possibility. He has closed doors that we may have wanted to step through, knowing it wasn't the right plan for us. We are completely trusting Him as we take one more step toward our possibility.
Today we also remember our 2nd miscarriage. Our little baby, Tiny, was miscarried on November 18, 2006. Sometimes I wonder when I will stop remembering these anniversaries, but my heart feels that as long as we live, we won't. These little ones, a part of our lives for an incredibly too short amount of time, are a part of us. We lost Tiny while at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference, we were a little over 6 weeks along.
So, this week is strangely bittersweet. We mourn a lot of loss but look forward with tempered anticipation for all that is to come.
10.16.2013
The Garage Sale
Our first adoption fundraiser was last Saturday! We had a garage sale to help raise funds and it was so exciting. My very good friends spent Wednesday and Thursday at my mother-in-laws house tagging/organizing/sorting all in preparation for Friday afternoon and Saturday. And my mother-in-law deserves a medal of honor for watching my kids AND my friends' kids all day Wednesday and Thursday!!
There were so many generous friends who donated so much to this sale! There is no way we would have done so well without all of you! We had a full garage and full driveway with everything from nearly every size of children's clothing, to toys, to maternity clothes, to housewares, to a huge toolbox and fencing!
It was amazing.
Everything did not sell :( but we are going to pack everything back up and try again for the spring city-wide! We might have a baby by then (who knows?) but even if we do, we will still be paying for this adoption, so all the funds will still go towards our adoption fund.
8.25.2013
Help me find it
Wasting time on facebook tonight, a friend had posted this song.
It is by Sidewalk Prophets, and not one I had heard before, but it fits exactly how we feel right now.
I can't remember who I have told what to, so if I'm repeating myself I will edit it later. Our final test results for the last blood test we needed done to check for an immun... uh, there are words I don't know or understand about to be said - immuno - something... Essentially, here's the down-low:
In January of 2007 we had a giant gammot of blood tests done to determine potential causes for our recurrent miscarriages. They checked for things like Lupus, MTHFR, and some other things... Something to the effect of, if your immune system attacks the baby it causes tiny blood clots in the placenta and the baby cannot get the oxygen and nutrients it needs and dies, and then you miscarry. Well, back in 2007 they didn't know as much as they know now, so there is another test in that protocol that I hadn't had done. The Beta 2 Glycoproteins test. I had another test done (and I can't remember what it was called either) - because in 2007 my results tested "intermediate" which really doesn't mean anything, and would not be a cause of miscarriage but they retested it anyway.
Because the things they tested this time had a treatment, if I tested positive for either of them my miscarriage risk would drop to 15 -20 % (normal for most women) if I were to get pregnant and follow the treatment protocol.
However, I tested in the normal range for both of these. Which is good, I'm glad I don't have anything wrong with me, but it still leaves us looking for answers. It also leaves us with a miscarriage risk of 30-50% because of our history.
So, now we are at a crossroads with big decisions to make. And to be honest, for the first time in months my husband and I are on the same page.
We both agree, we're on the "wait and see" page. We don't know what to do. So for now, we wait for what God might show us. Praying for big answers in the next few months - the kind with giant flashing signs that say "THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!"
This song says exactly what I'm thinking and feeling tonight. Thank you so much for all of your prayers on this journey, we really do appreciate all of them!
It is by Sidewalk Prophets, and not one I had heard before, but it fits exactly how we feel right now.
I can't remember who I have told what to, so if I'm repeating myself I will edit it later. Our final test results for the last blood test we needed done to check for an immun... uh, there are words I don't know or understand about to be said - immuno - something... Essentially, here's the down-low:
In January of 2007 we had a giant gammot of blood tests done to determine potential causes for our recurrent miscarriages. They checked for things like Lupus, MTHFR, and some other things... Something to the effect of, if your immune system attacks the baby it causes tiny blood clots in the placenta and the baby cannot get the oxygen and nutrients it needs and dies, and then you miscarry. Well, back in 2007 they didn't know as much as they know now, so there is another test in that protocol that I hadn't had done. The Beta 2 Glycoproteins test. I had another test done (and I can't remember what it was called either) - because in 2007 my results tested "intermediate" which really doesn't mean anything, and would not be a cause of miscarriage but they retested it anyway.
Because the things they tested this time had a treatment, if I tested positive for either of them my miscarriage risk would drop to 15 -20 % (normal for most women) if I were to get pregnant and follow the treatment protocol.
However, I tested in the normal range for both of these. Which is good, I'm glad I don't have anything wrong with me, but it still leaves us looking for answers. It also leaves us with a miscarriage risk of 30-50% because of our history.
So, now we are at a crossroads with big decisions to make. And to be honest, for the first time in months my husband and I are on the same page.
We both agree, we're on the "wait and see" page. We don't know what to do. So for now, we wait for what God might show us. Praying for big answers in the next few months - the kind with giant flashing signs that say "THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!"
This song says exactly what I'm thinking and feeling tonight. Thank you so much for all of your prayers on this journey, we really do appreciate all of them!
7.16.2013
What the future holds....
There has been so much rolling around in my brain these last few weeks about the future and what it holds for our family.
I have ideas spinning like you would not believe and I am sure it is only a matter of time before they are available for all the world to see!
On the miscarriage front -
We have an appointment this Friday to meet with the Genetic Counselor, a MFM, and a MFM/Geneticist. I am excited and nervous about this appointment. I'm sure there will be more genetic tests for us to undergo and hopefully there will be answers. However, I am trying not to get my hopes up as from what I've read 60% of miscarriages remain unexplained even after genetic testing.
My heart is still healing from Isaiah's loss. Moving on is much harder this time and I've had to be careful to guard my heart against things that might cause me more grief. It is frustrating to feel limited, but I have been instead pouring myself into some ideas I have and looking forward to the vast realm of possibilities that God could have laid out for us.
There is so much inside of me I just might burst! And every day brings us one step closer.
I have ideas spinning like you would not believe and I am sure it is only a matter of time before they are available for all the world to see!
On the miscarriage front -
We have an appointment this Friday to meet with the Genetic Counselor, a MFM, and a MFM/Geneticist. I am excited and nervous about this appointment. I'm sure there will be more genetic tests for us to undergo and hopefully there will be answers. However, I am trying not to get my hopes up as from what I've read 60% of miscarriages remain unexplained even after genetic testing.
My heart is still healing from Isaiah's loss. Moving on is much harder this time and I've had to be careful to guard my heart against things that might cause me more grief. It is frustrating to feel limited, but I have been instead pouring myself into some ideas I have and looking forward to the vast realm of possibilities that God could have laid out for us.
There is so much inside of me I just might burst! And every day brings us one step closer.
6.11.2013
Set-backs, hurdles, & hoops
All around the merry-go-round the monkey chased the weasel...
Yep, that's how it goes! I'm the monkey, another child is the weasel... one day it will just POP! There's the weasel!
But we could be chasing it for a very long time.
Let me start at the beginning of yesterday. I received a letter in the mail from my insurance regarding the out-of-network provider referral. In it, I discovered that I was not approved for testing or treatment by and MFM, I was approved for a Consult Only. (Bolded and Underlined, just like that).
After that I called to reschedule my appointment with UofI because of my out-of-state schedule conflict. After several phone calls, and transfers - I found my way to the right people. But, they were out for lunch.
A few hours later my call was returned by the Genetic Counselor to just schedule my appointment herself. Which I thought was pretty nice of her. I found out that my appointment is not with an MFM only. My appointment is in their once a month Genetics Clinic, in which my husband and I will meet with the Genetic Counselor, a Maternal Fetal Specialist, and someone else... (unfortuanately, my mind was a little blown during our conversation to retain what type of doctor the third person is.) They will sit down with us for an hour, go over everything there is to go over and then give us their recommendations. We then can go somewhere else to get the tests done if we need to.
Anyway, it sounds hopeful, but also a little disheartening. Since its a once a month deal and I can't make the June clinic, I have to wait until July. But even then I don't really have a new doctor, or a follow up appointment, or a clear vision of where we go from here.
So there you have it - more chasing, more dreaming.
All for the best I suppose, I'm not ready yet to begin trying for another baby anyway.
Yep, that's how it goes! I'm the monkey, another child is the weasel... one day it will just POP! There's the weasel!
But we could be chasing it for a very long time.
Let me start at the beginning of yesterday. I received a letter in the mail from my insurance regarding the out-of-network provider referral. In it, I discovered that I was not approved for testing or treatment by and MFM, I was approved for a Consult Only. (Bolded and Underlined, just like that).
After that I called to reschedule my appointment with UofI because of my out-of-state schedule conflict. After several phone calls, and transfers - I found my way to the right people. But, they were out for lunch.
A few hours later my call was returned by the Genetic Counselor to just schedule my appointment herself. Which I thought was pretty nice of her. I found out that my appointment is not with an MFM only. My appointment is in their once a month Genetics Clinic, in which my husband and I will meet with the Genetic Counselor, a Maternal Fetal Specialist, and someone else... (unfortuanately, my mind was a little blown during our conversation to retain what type of doctor the third person is.) They will sit down with us for an hour, go over everything there is to go over and then give us their recommendations. We then can go somewhere else to get the tests done if we need to.
Anyway, it sounds hopeful, but also a little disheartening. Since its a once a month deal and I can't make the June clinic, I have to wait until July. But even then I don't really have a new doctor, or a follow up appointment, or a clear vision of where we go from here.
So there you have it - more chasing, more dreaming.
All for the best I suppose, I'm not ready yet to begin trying for another baby anyway.
5.22.2013
Comparisons: The Deadly Trap
Have you ever read a story and thought to yourself "Wow. That is really powerful! I wish my story was that impressive."
I was just thinking that. I play the comparison game way too often with myself; looking at other people's stories, lives, or opportunities as ways to make myself feel less.
I've realized though, that I'm not the only one. People have compared themselves to me! And I think, uh... I wish I could be flattered, instead I find that you are sorely mistaken!!
I keep having to remind myself that we are all just humans. She's human, I'm human, you're human. And God did not create all humans to have the same stories, they are all different for special reasons and purposes. Sometimes we choose the path our lives take, sometimes we don't - either way my story is not supposed to look like hers, your story is not supposed to look like mine.
If I keep this perspective in mind, it helps me from playing the comparison game. It helps me from getting jealous that her story sounds cooler than mine, or more exciting, or like she is a better multi-tasker, or that she is more capable than me. No, none of those things are true - today she might be cooler than me, but that's because we had a different day. Tomorrow my day might be more exciting, and for goodness sake, next week her balls in the air might come tumbling down while I'm juggling with ease. I might have PMS today, and she might be at her peak hormonal performance.
Lysa Turkhurst says in her book Unglued: "Comparison steals celebration." She goes on to say "We stop celebrating our own good and have a really hard time celebrating others' good."
What a profound statement and truth. How often have I done that? I stop seeing all the good God is doing in and through me and I get angry about all the good God is doing in and through someone else! That is so backward and contrary to what God has called us as believers to do.
Just some conviction for myself tonight as I jealously began to think that someone else's story might be more powerful than mine.
I was just thinking that. I play the comparison game way too often with myself; looking at other people's stories, lives, or opportunities as ways to make myself feel less.
I've realized though, that I'm not the only one. People have compared themselves to me! And I think, uh... I wish I could be flattered, instead I find that you are sorely mistaken!!
I keep having to remind myself that we are all just humans. She's human, I'm human, you're human. And God did not create all humans to have the same stories, they are all different for special reasons and purposes. Sometimes we choose the path our lives take, sometimes we don't - either way my story is not supposed to look like hers, your story is not supposed to look like mine.
If I keep this perspective in mind, it helps me from playing the comparison game. It helps me from getting jealous that her story sounds cooler than mine, or more exciting, or like she is a better multi-tasker, or that she is more capable than me. No, none of those things are true - today she might be cooler than me, but that's because we had a different day. Tomorrow my day might be more exciting, and for goodness sake, next week her balls in the air might come tumbling down while I'm juggling with ease. I might have PMS today, and she might be at her peak hormonal performance.
Lysa Turkhurst says in her book Unglued: "Comparison steals celebration." She goes on to say "We stop celebrating our own good and have a really hard time celebrating others' good."
What a profound statement and truth. How often have I done that? I stop seeing all the good God is doing in and through me and I get angry about all the good God is doing in and through someone else! That is so backward and contrary to what God has called us as believers to do.
Just some conviction for myself tonight as I jealously began to think that someone else's story might be more powerful than mine.
4.27.2013
**Stress**
The stress of this pregnancy really weighs on me. In some ways I want to stay busy and forget about it, but in others I'm afraid being busy will only bring on more cramps and more bleeding. So, I sit and I wait - and I go to the bathroom - and I sit and wait some more...
I've had a lot more bleeding today and my mind keeps wondering, will it be tonight? this weekend? or will this just drag out for awhile? will there be a heartbeat at my appointment on Thursday? if not, then what? if so, do I just continue like this - waiting?
Yesterday was so perfect, hardly any spotting at all, hardly any cramping and today, wham. If I didn't know better I'd think I'd gotten my period... again. It's all so un-spectacular.
People keep making comments about the baby's gender, that maybe this one will be a boy. I keep telling my husband that if this baby comes out in November - I don't care what it is! I'll just be happy we got to have it!
I'm sure many of you can relate. I've never enjoyed a first trimester, they were always stressful atleast until 8 weeks, then I would let my guard down and breathe a little easier. But this one, wow, I've never felt so shaken and unsure. There is a whole new meaning and level to leaning on God that I am desperately trying to learn. And oh, it is so very hard.
I keep reminding myself that whatever the outcome of this situation God is still good.
We will survive, God is good.
Baby or no baby, God is good.
God is good.
God is good.
God is good.
I've had a lot more bleeding today and my mind keeps wondering, will it be tonight? this weekend? or will this just drag out for awhile? will there be a heartbeat at my appointment on Thursday? if not, then what? if so, do I just continue like this - waiting?
Yesterday was so perfect, hardly any spotting at all, hardly any cramping and today, wham. If I didn't know better I'd think I'd gotten my period... again. It's all so un-spectacular.
People keep making comments about the baby's gender, that maybe this one will be a boy. I keep telling my husband that if this baby comes out in November - I don't care what it is! I'll just be happy we got to have it!
I'm sure many of you can relate. I've never enjoyed a first trimester, they were always stressful atleast until 8 weeks, then I would let my guard down and breathe a little easier. But this one, wow, I've never felt so shaken and unsure. There is a whole new meaning and level to leaning on God that I am desperately trying to learn. And oh, it is so very hard.
I keep reminding myself that whatever the outcome of this situation God is still good.
We will survive, God is good.
Baby or no baby, God is good.
God is good.
God is good.
God is good.
TMI post - you've been warned.
I'm about to divulge more information than the average person would like to know - so if you're not interested in hearing about my "flow" or "discharge" please, divert your eyes.
At about 10 1/2 weeks pregnant, and beginning to see my own small version of a pop I am starting to get excited and relieved about little one joining our family in November. Yesterday was awesome. Seriously, My husband has been incredibly supportive the last few weeks, encouraging me to take it easy and picking up all the slack around the house.
I had virtually no spotting or cramping yesterday, it was awesome. However, by the time I went to bed at 10 pm I was bleeding again. And this continued most of the night, as I saw every time I was up to use the restroom.
I had horrible dreams all night about miscarriage, c-section, a hysterectomy. Oy, my brain was really running wild with it. And today, my family has ventured to Peoria to visit a family member. I have decided to stay home and really take some R&R and hopefully coax my uterus into being finished bleeding. 1 1/2 weeks until 2nd trimester. I've been hearing a lot that bleeding is common and if baby is fine, often a sign of no problem whatsoever. I'm banking on that, but not taking any chances at the moment.
At about 10 1/2 weeks pregnant, and beginning to see my own small version of a pop I am starting to get excited and relieved about little one joining our family in November. Yesterday was awesome. Seriously, My husband has been incredibly supportive the last few weeks, encouraging me to take it easy and picking up all the slack around the house.
I had virtually no spotting or cramping yesterday, it was awesome. However, by the time I went to bed at 10 pm I was bleeding again. And this continued most of the night, as I saw every time I was up to use the restroom.
I had horrible dreams all night about miscarriage, c-section, a hysterectomy. Oy, my brain was really running wild with it. And today, my family has ventured to Peoria to visit a family member. I have decided to stay home and really take some R&R and hopefully coax my uterus into being finished bleeding. 1 1/2 weeks until 2nd trimester. I've been hearing a lot that bleeding is common and if baby is fine, often a sign of no problem whatsoever. I'm banking on that, but not taking any chances at the moment.
4.24.2013
In between the lines
I'm in a very strange place right now. I live in a constant inner struggle between excitement and panic. Logic over rules emotion at some moments and at others emotion wins over logic. I can't wait for the day when logic and emotion are in sync with each other - barring that the emotion and logic are good and not disastrous. I start to feel joy and happiness and then another memory or story triggers the fear that can cripple a person and tie them to the couch for weeks at a time.
My only solace is know that at the end of this I will have survived, however, knowing how I've survived is still questionable. Will it be tears of joy, elated at the miracle unfolding before me - or tears of anguish that my heart has been shattered yet again and another precious angel joins his siblings in heaven?
There is truly no way of knowing at this point how this will turn out, and I never ever thought that this far into a pregnancy I would still have so much confusion. Nearly 10 weeks along, but still bleeding, still cramping. However, the ultrasound shows a healthy baby, growing perfectly happily bouncing around in there. And now I know, it really is me. All these years, and all these miscarriages I've wondered if maybe it was something genetic. That maybe my two little girls are truly miracles of genetics lining up perfectly because there was something faulty with the connection. But no, we have a perfect baby growing in there, nothing wrong with the connection. The bleeding is me, but there is really no explanation, no reason, and possibly no problem. There is just no way of knowing right now.
I laid down and took a nap with my sweet Z this morning. She is 11 months old and cutting some teeth, which has induced a snoodly nose. I listened to her heavy breathing, traced her perfect face and for awhile stared into her beautiful blue eyes. If you've met my girls you can see that even though they're 4 1/2 years apart they look nearly identical. And from our ultrasound we can already see that little Tic Tac carries the same profile and face shape of his/her big sisters.
So you see, if I lose this one it will be different from all the others.
It won't be just bleeding; I will see the baby.
I will hold our baby.
I will kiss our baby.
And oh my heart, I don't know if I can take that.
For now, we continue to wait and oh, how I pray this story has a happy ending. How every moment of every day my hand is over my womb, praying for a safe environment. How just a few weeks ago I had normal perfect pregnancy discharge and now I'm thankful for the moments when it is just light spotting. The bleeding comes in the evening and early morning. The cramping hangs around on and off all day. Yesterday's bleeding was lighter than the day before, I hope today's follows the same pattern. And oh, how I pray that two and three weeks from now I'm joyfully updating my facebook cover photo with a cute announcement that baby #3 is on the way!
It's so hard not to be envious of those who post those pregnancy announcements early on, knowing their world has never been tainted with the difficult feeling of loss.
** Please if you do read this, I have not made this pregnancy public. Please do not share this information with anyone or mention it on facebook or in person at church etc. Thank you very much!!
My only solace is know that at the end of this I will have survived, however, knowing how I've survived is still questionable. Will it be tears of joy, elated at the miracle unfolding before me - or tears of anguish that my heart has been shattered yet again and another precious angel joins his siblings in heaven?
There is truly no way of knowing at this point how this will turn out, and I never ever thought that this far into a pregnancy I would still have so much confusion. Nearly 10 weeks along, but still bleeding, still cramping. However, the ultrasound shows a healthy baby, growing perfectly happily bouncing around in there. And now I know, it really is me. All these years, and all these miscarriages I've wondered if maybe it was something genetic. That maybe my two little girls are truly miracles of genetics lining up perfectly because there was something faulty with the connection. But no, we have a perfect baby growing in there, nothing wrong with the connection. The bleeding is me, but there is really no explanation, no reason, and possibly no problem. There is just no way of knowing right now.
I laid down and took a nap with my sweet Z this morning. She is 11 months old and cutting some teeth, which has induced a snoodly nose. I listened to her heavy breathing, traced her perfect face and for awhile stared into her beautiful blue eyes. If you've met my girls you can see that even though they're 4 1/2 years apart they look nearly identical. And from our ultrasound we can already see that little Tic Tac carries the same profile and face shape of his/her big sisters.
So you see, if I lose this one it will be different from all the others.
It won't be just bleeding; I will see the baby.
I will hold our baby.
I will kiss our baby.
And oh my heart, I don't know if I can take that.
For now, we continue to wait and oh, how I pray this story has a happy ending. How every moment of every day my hand is over my womb, praying for a safe environment. How just a few weeks ago I had normal perfect pregnancy discharge and now I'm thankful for the moments when it is just light spotting. The bleeding comes in the evening and early morning. The cramping hangs around on and off all day. Yesterday's bleeding was lighter than the day before, I hope today's follows the same pattern. And oh, how I pray that two and three weeks from now I'm joyfully updating my facebook cover photo with a cute announcement that baby #3 is on the way!
It's so hard not to be envious of those who post those pregnancy announcements early on, knowing their world has never been tainted with the difficult feeling of loss.
** Please if you do read this, I have not made this pregnancy public. Please do not share this information with anyone or mention it on facebook or in person at church etc. Thank you very much!!
2.20.2012
27 weeks....
Today marks 27 weeks into my pregnancy.
More importantly, today marks 1 week shy of entering my 3rd trimester! (can you sense the excitement?) feel it baby, its real.
I've had so many different and conflicting emotions during this pregnancy. It's like I'm in a constant battle with myself to enjoy and feel, and hurry through to see my prize. I want to enjoy what may be my last pregnancy, but after all we've been through - I care much less about the pregnancy and much much more about the baby.
To help me put some things into perspective let me share my disappointments and excitements:
Disppointments
1) I remember pregnancy being way more awesome than this. I remember it as this magical time in my life with Amariss, where we would just rest and get to know each other, and I didn't have many cares in the world. I didn't know the reality of babies dying before they should (other than my previous miscarriages). I didn't understand the truth of the NICU. I didn't understand the importance of nutrition and exercise, so I ate whatever I wanted. Now I've heard countless stories of babies dying in the womb, have friends and clients who have lived through the NICU, and struggle daily to make sure I'm putting the right nutrition into my body to feed my growing baby.
2) I wanted to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, but all I really want now is to hit 37 weeks so I know that if she's born, she'll be safe. I work with pregnant women, when I'm working, and around 32-33 weeks they get really complainy. Suddenly, they just want this baby out! And that's all they talk about. They talk about feeling sick and tired all through the first trimester, then complain about something else through the second, and finally by the time they reach the third the only thing they feel for pregnancy is I'M DONE! I never wanted to feel that way. I longed for a pregnancy for so long that I wanted to treasure every single awful moment and bask in the glory of the good moments. But now it seems my days are filled with worry and anxiety. Did she move enough today? Am I cramping or stretching? was that another Braxton-Hicks? How many have I had today? Why do I feel light headed? Is it my blood pressure? Is it my blood sugar? and the what-ifs keep coming. And here I am, ready to be done with the what-ifs. Just ready to enjoy pregnancy, being pregnant, and joyfully (yes, joyfully) anticipating labor and delivery of a beautiful baby girl.
Excitements
1) I'm learning to trust God more than I ever have before. All those questions mentioned above - they send my anxiety levels sky high, and once again I have to ground myself. Shortly after I announced my pregnancy I had a conversation with the director at our pregnancy center. It went something like this:
Me: I just want to be done and have a healthy baby! There's too much stuff to be worried about during pregnancy!
Vicki: Maybe God designed pregnancy to be 9 months for more than just the development of the baby. Maybe there are things he wants you to learn too.
And she left it at that. Yep, lots of trust to be learned. I find myself hurryng back to the scriptures I've quoted before:
Phillipians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And there I am, with a pregnancy that has not been as peachy as my fourth, but much peachier than my 1-3 or 5-7 learning in new ways every day to trust God.
2) I'm gaining a different perspective on pregnancy. Up until this pregnancy my ideas of what pregnancy "should" or "did" look like were based upon a near flawless pregnancy, things I'd read in books, and 6 miscarriages. So, essentially - if you made it past 12 weeks I didn't have much for you in the way of "been there, done that" experience. And now, here I am - in a rougher pregnancy. Morning sickness that lasted longer than 18 weeks, and was much different than before, and now grappling with blood sugar problems that have yet to be figured out... whether it be high or low. (glucose tolerance test on wednesday). I don't want to be a diabetic. I don't want to be hypoglycemic. I just want to be normal, like I was with Am. However, as my mom pointed out to me - I am learning alot, and becoming much more sympathetic towards women who have less than perfect pregnancies.
3) Labor and Delivery. Yes, I'm excited about it. My first labor with Am was long and hard. I wasn't prepared for a long prodromal period, nor how painful that really can be. I wasn't the woman then that I am now. I've grown up, matured, made changes to my lifestyle - and am considerably more educated (not sure if that's a good or bad thing). I can not wait to experience all that labor and delivery have for me. I can't wait to put some of my knowledge into real life, first-person experience. For 3 years I've been educating women on birth, and just waiting until I could experience it too and now my time is coming and I am so very excited.
I'm ready to be humbled, ready to be tired, ready for the pain - but mostly I'm ready to meet this miracle.
And that is that.
27 weeks.
3 months.
I can't wait to hold both my girls in my arms and let all the tears of all we've lost and all we've gained mingle together as I bask in the miracles that are my children.
God has blessed me abundantly.
More importantly, today marks 1 week shy of entering my 3rd trimester! (can you sense the excitement?) feel it baby, its real.
I've had so many different and conflicting emotions during this pregnancy. It's like I'm in a constant battle with myself to enjoy and feel, and hurry through to see my prize. I want to enjoy what may be my last pregnancy, but after all we've been through - I care much less about the pregnancy and much much more about the baby.
To help me put some things into perspective let me share my disappointments and excitements:
Disppointments
1) I remember pregnancy being way more awesome than this. I remember it as this magical time in my life with Amariss, where we would just rest and get to know each other, and I didn't have many cares in the world. I didn't know the reality of babies dying before they should (other than my previous miscarriages). I didn't understand the truth of the NICU. I didn't understand the importance of nutrition and exercise, so I ate whatever I wanted. Now I've heard countless stories of babies dying in the womb, have friends and clients who have lived through the NICU, and struggle daily to make sure I'm putting the right nutrition into my body to feed my growing baby.
2) I wanted to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, but all I really want now is to hit 37 weeks so I know that if she's born, she'll be safe. I work with pregnant women, when I'm working, and around 32-33 weeks they get really complainy. Suddenly, they just want this baby out! And that's all they talk about. They talk about feeling sick and tired all through the first trimester, then complain about something else through the second, and finally by the time they reach the third the only thing they feel for pregnancy is I'M DONE! I never wanted to feel that way. I longed for a pregnancy for so long that I wanted to treasure every single awful moment and bask in the glory of the good moments. But now it seems my days are filled with worry and anxiety. Did she move enough today? Am I cramping or stretching? was that another Braxton-Hicks? How many have I had today? Why do I feel light headed? Is it my blood pressure? Is it my blood sugar? and the what-ifs keep coming. And here I am, ready to be done with the what-ifs. Just ready to enjoy pregnancy, being pregnant, and joyfully (yes, joyfully) anticipating labor and delivery of a beautiful baby girl.
Excitements
1) I'm learning to trust God more than I ever have before. All those questions mentioned above - they send my anxiety levels sky high, and once again I have to ground myself. Shortly after I announced my pregnancy I had a conversation with the director at our pregnancy center. It went something like this:
Me: I just want to be done and have a healthy baby! There's too much stuff to be worried about during pregnancy!
Vicki: Maybe God designed pregnancy to be 9 months for more than just the development of the baby. Maybe there are things he wants you to learn too.
And she left it at that. Yep, lots of trust to be learned. I find myself hurryng back to the scriptures I've quoted before:
Phillipians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And there I am, with a pregnancy that has not been as peachy as my fourth, but much peachier than my 1-3 or 5-7 learning in new ways every day to trust God.
2) I'm gaining a different perspective on pregnancy. Up until this pregnancy my ideas of what pregnancy "should" or "did" look like were based upon a near flawless pregnancy, things I'd read in books, and 6 miscarriages. So, essentially - if you made it past 12 weeks I didn't have much for you in the way of "been there, done that" experience. And now, here I am - in a rougher pregnancy. Morning sickness that lasted longer than 18 weeks, and was much different than before, and now grappling with blood sugar problems that have yet to be figured out... whether it be high or low. (glucose tolerance test on wednesday). I don't want to be a diabetic. I don't want to be hypoglycemic. I just want to be normal, like I was with Am. However, as my mom pointed out to me - I am learning alot, and becoming much more sympathetic towards women who have less than perfect pregnancies.
3) Labor and Delivery. Yes, I'm excited about it. My first labor with Am was long and hard. I wasn't prepared for a long prodromal period, nor how painful that really can be. I wasn't the woman then that I am now. I've grown up, matured, made changes to my lifestyle - and am considerably more educated (not sure if that's a good or bad thing). I can not wait to experience all that labor and delivery have for me. I can't wait to put some of my knowledge into real life, first-person experience. For 3 years I've been educating women on birth, and just waiting until I could experience it too and now my time is coming and I am so very excited.
I'm ready to be humbled, ready to be tired, ready for the pain - but mostly I'm ready to meet this miracle.
And that is that.
27 weeks.
3 months.
I can't wait to hold both my girls in my arms and let all the tears of all we've lost and all we've gained mingle together as I bask in the miracles that are my children.
God has blessed me abundantly.
2.07.2012
and it all comes back to the same thing...
The last few days/ last week have been stressful for me and the more stress I feel, the more stress I put on myself. A compounding effect, a cycle that never really ends until finally I just break down and realize I'm crazy.
Lets go back, because I like going back...
I was born an introvert, and although that isn't necessarily a bad thing, I had always leaned heavily on this as a crutch in my life. I realize now that what a lot of people may take as a standoffish or snobby personality was me not knowing how to talk to people, and so I just didn't. If you went to high school with me, you might think its crazy to say I was introverted because I was a cheerleader and on speech team, but those things were acting to me. An outlet where I could put on this invincible shield of that "character" and just be who I was playing.
Deep down, groups of people make me nervous, meeting new people makes me nervous, and starting conversations also makes me nervous. However, I met and married the most extroverted person I know, and in that, I have come out of my shell quite a bit. Although, I still find myself falling into this rut, often.
All this to say, I had a lot of fear of people. So over the years I began to quote to myself:
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And slowly but surely I began to control my anxiety around people. But lately I find myself coming back to the same things.
Not necessarily people this time, but circumstances. Here I am, pregnant, healthy, and excited. But terribly fearful.
and I repeat to myself "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and of a sound mind."
I pray that the knowledge I've learned over the years about childbirth would give me power, that I would be moved by a deep love for my unborn baby, and that my mind would not be anxious, but that it would be sound - solid, unshakeable.
And it all has come full circle, I'm still fighting fear.
And God is still winning.
Lets go back, because I like going back...
I was born an introvert, and although that isn't necessarily a bad thing, I had always leaned heavily on this as a crutch in my life. I realize now that what a lot of people may take as a standoffish or snobby personality was me not knowing how to talk to people, and so I just didn't. If you went to high school with me, you might think its crazy to say I was introverted because I was a cheerleader and on speech team, but those things were acting to me. An outlet where I could put on this invincible shield of that "character" and just be who I was playing.
Deep down, groups of people make me nervous, meeting new people makes me nervous, and starting conversations also makes me nervous. However, I met and married the most extroverted person I know, and in that, I have come out of my shell quite a bit. Although, I still find myself falling into this rut, often.
All this to say, I had a lot of fear of people. So over the years I began to quote to myself:
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And slowly but surely I began to control my anxiety around people. But lately I find myself coming back to the same things.
Not necessarily people this time, but circumstances. Here I am, pregnant, healthy, and excited. But terribly fearful.
and I repeat to myself "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and of a sound mind."
I pray that the knowledge I've learned over the years about childbirth would give me power, that I would be moved by a deep love for my unborn baby, and that my mind would not be anxious, but that it would be sound - solid, unshakeable.
And it all has come full circle, I'm still fighting fear.
And God is still winning.
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