...but she out of her poverty...

Some days are really difficult.  Whether you are a parent or not, everyone has difficult days.  It can be brought on by nothing more than a difficult night of sleep, sleeping past your alarm, not eating breakfast, or traffic slowing you down.  Everyone has difficulties in life. 

Sometimes though, there are people that have more difficulties than others.  Whether mental illness like depression, bipolar, or schizophrenia, or a physical illness like chronic back pain, fibromyalgia, cancer treatments or foot pain (psh. lets just say any pain.. because anytime there is pain, there is just difficulty!)  - so  Let's just say that - when people are in pain, life is extra hard! 

What about those suffering from an emotional heartache?  Infertility, miscarriage, death of a loved one, a struggling marriage, concern for your children -

In Luke chapter 21 vs 1-4 we read the story of the widow's offering -

As Jesus looked up, he saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. ² He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. ³ “Truly I tell you,” he said, “this poor widow has put in more than all the others. ⁴ All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”

I read this and thought about how I could give out of my poverty.  I cannot claim to have ever experienced true financial poverty.  Even as a child when my parents were at their poorest, we still had food and shelter, warmth, and clothing - by this worlds standards, I have never experienced financial poverty.  I wondered what it would be like to give out of my poverty. 

And then as the morning progressed it came to be known that one of my kids was having a really hard day. I was doing my best to speak life into this little one - but she really didn't want to hear it.  I told her that even in hard times we can make the choice to have a good day or a bad day.  This day was her choice, regardless of whether or not it went the way she had hoped it would.

And that is when it struck me - what about giving out of our emotional poverty?  When life is really difficult and we show grace to someone who needs it.  Or when we choose to be joyful despite difficult life circumstances.  When we bring peace even though we feel that our world is in turmoil...  Might this be a little like this widow giving out of her poverty. 

When life is going easy, when the money is there, when we got all the sleep we needed, when we woke up on time and our hair was perfect, on the days that we absolutely LOVE LIFE - it is so easy to spread joy and love, and grace - and on those days it is so easy to be full of patience for those around us and to respond softly to harsh words. 

But on the days that our hormones are OUT OF CONTROL, on the days we want to eat our feelings and punch other people in the face (c'mon I can't be the only one right?), on the days we just don't feel like we can summon the energy to play with our kids, or make a decent meal, or focus on our work, - but yet we give our very best in that day... our best might be yelling less than you wanted to and making boxed mac and cheese - but might our best on our worst days be worth more than our best on our best days? 

Just some thoughts tonight. 

I would love to hear what your thoughts on this might be!  Have you ever felt like you had nothing to give, and so you gave the very best you could even when it felt pitiful?

Comment on this blog, or comment on Facebook - I would love to connect with you!

How Will They Remember Me?

The other day Doron had an owie on his toe.  It was tiny, but toddler worthy of a bandaid. You know, a toddler can convince you to put a bandaid on a scar...

I scooped my little boy up, wrapped him in my arms, consoled him with all the words of affirmation he was looking for, settled him into the bathroom with a hug, applied neosporin, and lovingly wrapped that bandaid around his toe.  I figured the bandaid would stay on for about 2 minutes but the love he felt from me caring would last all day.

As I did this, I felt like a really good mom.  I thought, this is how I want to be remembered by my kids.  And I thought about all the great memories I have of my mom.  How she would sit in the kitchen and eat grapes and listen to Dr. Dobson every day at 11:30am.  And how on her days off she would fold laundry and bake cookies and meet us at the door with a smile and a hug.  In the summer she would sit on the porch swing and watch us play while drinking iced tea in our plastic blue cups.  She would sit at the piano and play hymns and sing and tell us that she really wasn't that good at playing piano - but she was always better than me.

And that's how I want my kids to remember me.  To have a bank in their mind full of great memories of a mom that loved them and love to be with them.  My mom never had a phone in her hand, because ours was still attached to the wall and other than talking, you couldn't do anything cool with it.  Even now my mom really only uses her phone to talk to people, sometimes text.  We always knew that when mom was talking to us, she was really talking to us.  There was no wondering if she was preoccupied with another conversation on the side.  She wasn't always looking at her phone.  When she helped us with homework she helped us with homework.  When she stayed up until midnight waiting for us to be home by curfew and then chatted for another hour afterwards - she was really present, tired but present.

I want to be present for my kids.

Contrast my vision of awesomeness with a little reality check.  Yesterday morning my adorably grown up seven year old cooked scrambled eggs and pancakes for everyone once again (frozen pancakes, toaster oven reheated).  She said "I'm the mom!" I laughed and questioned "Oh, what am I then?" her reply stung, but you can't get hurt by childhood honesty - she replied "You're the kid that's always on your phone."

And is it true? kind of.  Am I doing something important on my phone?  maybe.  Am I conversing with a friend?  probably.  Do my children know that they are still the most important thing in my life?  I don't think so.  Not when my phone is always around.  Not when I don't look at them while they are talking to me.  Not when they don't know what I'm doing on my phone, but it must be important since I'm always looking at it.

Hmmmm, do I need to throw my phone away?  No.  But when I sit down and have a big long talk with my girls about active listening, I have to ask myself  'Am I actively listening to others?  Or have my children gained their poor listening and poor communication skills from a lifetime of watching me?'

Food for thought tonight.  It is pretty funny how a year and a half ago, before I got my first smart phone, this never would have even been an issue.  My phone had no value then other than talking and reading a text here and there.

Now, I have to learn how to break all of the bad habits - and protect my family.

Is this what we call normal?

Yes, I think our lives are finally slipping into "normal".  I wouldn't say that normal is always easy, but it is good to be here.  Normal means that the transitional things we have noticed with Doron have either ceased or we now can expect them and work through them.

Doron has handled our transition back to church remarkably well and we are now in the process of transitioning back into youth ministry as adult leaders (our church has a youth pastor and several other adult leaders).  This is still a bit tricky as we both have our life groups to work with and Doron cannot be without one of us in the nursery.  Last week he handled life group "ok" and needed to go to the nursery during worship, so Aaron took nursery duty.  Not sure if we will switch tonight or if Aaron will go again.  After a long day at work Doron isn't much for leaving Aaron's side at night.

Aaron is still Doron's favorite but I get plenty of hugs, kisses and snuggles during the day too.  Last night Aaron had had all three kids at his mom's house while I took a webinar.  When they got home Doron yelled "Mama!" and ran up to me with his arms wide open.  It was so sweet!

As Doron has gotten more comfortable with us we are seeing more of his little personality coming out.  No longer is he quiet and timid but he has a lot to say and often we call his little language his Mandrish.  We can tell he is trying to say something in English but it sounds like it is probably partly Mandarin.  He has become a daring little boy who tests his limits with climbing ladders and chairs and trying to ride his sister's big bikes and his little (but still too big for him) bike; laughing the whole time.  He is quick to smile and a tickle will bring on a fit of giggles that makes you never want to stop tickling him.  He likes to be thrown by Daddy high up in the air and smiles a giant smile every time.

He is also a little stinker who will sometimes hit or bite his big sister, Zizi.  Sadly, its usually her who gets hit or bit.  She is still taking it well, although she did go through a phase when if he came near her she would run away screaming.  Mostly the two of them play really well together but there are also days like today when Z does NOT want to share her Mommy and Doron does NOT know what he wants so everybody cries and screams (sometimes Mommy cries too... I try not to scream, that usually makes things worse).  Naptime has finally settled itself out.  Z watches an episode of Octonauts or Clifford... or whatever her favorite show this week is and Doron snuggles up on my shoulder and quickly falls asleep.  Then Z goes down pretty easily too.  I am thankful we found a system.

Am has been so busy this summer playing with her best friend whenever possible.  It seems we hardly see her; just glimpses as they run between houses.  Doron thinks Am's best friend is also one of his sisters and he calls her Jie Jie as well.  It's pretty adorable.

This is an amazing time in  our lives - crazy busy and difficult - but really amazing.

Language, Comprehension, Interaction

Just a little over a week ago Doron had 5 English words; as of yesterday and today I've counted 15!  He is constantly repeating what we say.  Last night Zemirah came into the kitchen and whined an exasperated "oohhh, Why????"  and instantly in the exact tone and volume Doron repeated her, several times over.  Sometimes I'm not certain he's learning the best of manners but he is certainly learning.

Yesterday we were heading out the door for a family outing and I said "Now, where are your shoes?" and he promptly stood up and pointed at his shoe basket.  I replied "Ah yes, but I was wondering about your sandals." He turned around and pointed across the room to where his sandals lay.  I was shocked!  Not only is he mimicking but he is understanding!

He is also interacting!  So far this week Doron has bitten Zemirah once a day.  Not the best of practices, but we have been told that this is a great sign because it means that he is comfortable with us.  So - Yay!  Zemirah is handling it quite well, while she doesn't enjoy being bitten by her brother she is quick to forgive and accepts his hugs and kisses of apology.  I can tell that he feels bad for hurting her after he bites so that is also a good sign.

Am, Z, and Doron have been playing together really really well.  I am actually quite surprised at how well everything has been going at just 2.5 weeks home.  Aaron is working half days now so my mornings are full.  I appreciate having a seven year old so much though.  She is able to keep an eye on Doron for a few minutes at a time while I throw in a load of laundry or quick start a load of dishes.
Naptime is still a struggle.  Doron is taking 30 min - 1 hr naps, which leave him clinging and tired for the rest of the evening.  However, when he sleeps longer bed time can drag on as late as 10:30pm, which doesn't make anyone happy.  I am thankful that Aaron is still around in the afternoons to help me figure out the napping situation with 2 nappers.  I'm also thankful that Zemirah is still a good napper.

While we were in China Z went from being nearly 100% potty trained to "These pull-ups are the coolest thing ever!" and "Look Mom, I can change my own pull-up!"  I haven't yet decided how to retrain her.  Doron is about as potty trained as Z at this point so I'm considering just working with them both at once but before we go there I'd like to get more settled at home with both of them.

Our homeschool curriculum arrived today!  I was very excited to open up the box but found out I'd made a mistake in my order, so I spent about 2 hours of my afternoon trying to figure out if it was easily fixable.  I can work with the mistake I made.  It's not perfect, but it will be fine.  I believe I am going to set our school start date at August 1 (of course, I see now that that's a Saturday) so August 3.  I usually start mid-July but with all the changes in our lives this year, I want to take an extra two weeks of summer break.  I have been requiring Am to do a little bit of school during nap time, she is not a fan.  Hopefully starting up again and getting back into our routine will make things better.  I'm really looking forward to our new curriculum.  We are doing Sonlight this year and it already looks like a great fit for us.  Am has already read a few of the books in our package.

My thoughts are jumbled today.  I started drinking a second cup of coffee at 4 pm but then worried I wouldn't be able to fall asleep at 10pm.  So I have a half cup of coffee sitting in the kitchen.  I gave Doron a sip thinking he would hate coffee (just like the girls) but I was so wrong.  Now I have a very angry toddler that really wants some coffee.  If it's true that coffee stunts your growth we should keep it far far away from our tiny little dude.

Good night folks, enjoy these amazing summer days.  Hopefully no more rain for awhile and we can head back to the parks soon.  :)

Brie

An Important Job

I joined instagram less than 24 hrs ago, pretty much for the sole purpose of keeping up with a dear friend who left Facebook probably over a year ago.  She left for a lot of reasons, reasons I definitely agreed with, and I got an instagram because I am tired of not keeping up with her life!

I really thought that Instagram was just pictures, but apparently she uses it for so much more.  She has a lot of followers, and she uses her instagram (whether she knows it or not) to speak life and encouragement into others.

This morning I opened my instagram and when I was at a *most frustrating* part of my day I felt encouraged in my role as a mother.  I was reminded of the importance of my position and while laying on the living room floor, bemoaning the effort it was taking to get anything done today.

Sometimes it feels like we work so hard at this mothering gig and our kids don't always get it.  Last week I stood on a beach in Florida with my husbands strong arms wrapped around me as he spoke life back into my tired home-school mother's soul.  I was feeling like a deflated failure coming down from the busy holiday season, where school often fell to the bottom of the list, wondering if all of this - if home schooling was really what we were supposed to be doing.  And then my husband swooped in like a night in shining armor to encourage me, and remind me that all of this - yes, this is the right thing we're doing - and our child is recieving an excellent education.

I can't imagine that I am alone in this.  I can't imagine that I am the only home schooler out there who thinks at times that she is failing her child.  I can't imagine that I am the only mother who wonders if I am really doing this correctly.  I know we all do, and so today as I laid there wondering how we will ever get back on a decent schedule, and how will my house ever look as clean or as organized as it once did - I was reminded that this job I'm doing, day in and day out, early evening, late night, middle of the night, way too early morning -

It is an important job and I am doing a good job.

Crabby Pants

I have been a crabby pants all week.  (My husband likes to follow this statement up with something about a "crappy pants".  If you know him; this comes as no suprise, I'm sure.)

I thought the week would be great, last week was so hectic and busy that this week was bound to be fantastic.  But the cold virus (that we've been battling in a horrible cycle for 2 months) found our two year old and took her down with great force.  First with an ugly case of viral conjunctivitis, followed by not much sleeping and the inability to nap unless being held by her mother.  This should help you to understand the crabby pants.

In light of the crabby pants, I feel I should share a few lessons from this week.

Lesson #1: Jamberry nails are not as easy as they make them sound.

I bought some Jamberry's for my girls for their stockings this year.  I was so excited, since I have been wanting to try Jamberry for awhile.  When you buy 3 you get 1 free, so of course when they came I decided to try my free pair.  Round 1 was a major fail.  Apparently when heating the sticker thing before applying, you don't heat the adhesive side... that's a really bad idea as it drys out the adhesive.  Round 2 was okay... and Round 3 worked out fairly well.  My theory is that they give you the free pair because they know you're totally going to screw it up the first 3 times.

Lesson #2: Having a child with pink eye makes outings challenging. (as in you can't have any)

Nobody wants your kid's pink eye, even though its a relatively mild and simple disease.  It's actually less horrible than a bad cold, but if you have pink eye you have the plague.  Nobody wants to be around you or your kid.  So, think about drive through restaraunts and hiring a teenager to watch your child so you can take your test at church.  You know.. those things.  But it is so very cute to hear a two year old say "I have a pink eye!"

Lesson #3:  Studying for a final doesn't mean it's going to be easy.

We took our finals for our class at church on Wednesday night this week, and even though we studied, and I was pretty sure I was going to rock that test.  It wasn't easy.  I didn't rock that test.

Lesson #4:  When planning for a ballet rehearsal, or recital, or Christmas play dress rehearsal - don't let the stress get to you.

I am a perfectionist.  (May come as a legit surprise to many of you) But I really like to have my ducks in a row and to be honest... my ducks are so far out of their rows right now they're not even in the same pond.  So when recitals and performances come, my perfectionism FREAKS.  Like "You are not allowed to talk while I do your hair because it breaks my concentration" freak.  Poor kid.  (Aren't you glad I'm not YOUR parent??)  Anywho - I seem to notice that the other parents just.don't.care that much.  Why is this?  Didn't they read the note?   And when they see they did it wrong, they still don't care.  I want to be like them.  This is something I have to learn.  How do I just not care so much?

Lesson #5:  Some people are just not very nice.

We encountered on Friday a woman who thought she would take it upon herself to correct my child for doing something wrong.  Problem is; I was right there.  My child wasn't doing anything wrong.  I was taking care of the non-situation.  Mama Bear reared her head in protection and defense of her child.  My child was genuinely embarrased by the situation.  And I am still trying to figure out whether I handled it correctly or what I should have done differently.  It took me a solid 24 hours to cool down.  And I came to the realization that parenting is really hard.  I've talked the situation through with my child, and she is okay, but sadly I am not.  And I think I can remember this happening when I was a kid.  That my mom had those times when she just wanted to defend and protect us, and when someone else does that damage, beyond making sure our child is okay - you can't really undo the damage.  It's really hard.  I'm really sad that people don't know their boundaries or what is an appropriate and inappropriate way of speaking to a child (or anyone for that matter).

Lesson #6:  I need to give myself more grace for weeks like this one.

It was a big week, a lot happened.  Next week is destined to be bigger as we get closer to Christmas.  I'm going to need a lot of sleep and a lot of patience.  Thankfully we are starting to get over our colds, hopefully we can keep them away for the next few months.  And with a little more grace, and a lot more patience, and hopefully some good sleep - next week will be better than this week.

On the adoption front, we are in the painful process of waiting.  This is all normal, what we were told to expect, but it doesn't make these days seem any faster.  It is especially difficult as we know our little one is living without a family and we are here celebrating with our family, just one short.  Please pray for our son this Christmas.  We would love to hear news very soon that we will be bringing him home in a few months.  Pray for us too as we prepare our home and our family to bring him here to us.

Don't Forget Your Joy

As I sit here at 4:18, typing quickly before the children decide they are incapable of playing by themselves upstairs and they ambush me with pleas to play on the computer, I'm trying desperate to suck in these few moments of peace.  deep breaths, relax...

only 4 hrs till bed time, well technically only an hr and a half until we leave for church.  I can do this.  Praise God for church tonight (literally, we'll praise God and THANK YOU, GOD, SO MUCH FOR CHURCH NURSERY STAFF!!! Tonight, I may kiss you.)  Of course, our toddler isn't in love with your belly button and her pull up will be on the whole time, so I'm sure you'll tell me she was an angel, just like always - but for me - tonight - you're the angel.

It's been a day that started out so wonderful!  Zemirah pooped in the potty, TWICE! Both times on her own without any prompting from me.  And then we mixed cookie dough together, I even spoke kindly to my children the whole time.  It was 11:30 though and I needed to go pick up potatoes from a friend so that we could have dinner tonight.  So, instead of starting another batch of cookies, we headed over there.

When we got home, I forgot to ask Z to use the potty... and then, her bladder forgot to use the potty.  So her ballet leotard (the most prized of all clothing items) had to go in the wash, and Mommy had to clean up pee..off the couch...off the clean laundry...

Z went down for a nap.  I broke my "no movies before 3pm on school days" rule and let Am watch a movie so I could clean up the kitchen and take a shower.  But then I got sucked into Am's movie, Am went to the library with Grandma, I quick paid a bill and jumped in the shower.  But Z woke up, and joined me in the shower.  So I forgot to wash my body.  Then we cut out our cookies from the dough we made earlier in the day.  But POWDERED SUGAR IS JUST SO MUCH FUN, the kids thought.  So, Amariss would rub her hands in it and clap fervently to make it snow.  And mommy started to lose it.

The cookies are baked, today really hasn't been so awful.  Infact so many people have had worse days than me so far.  I was celebrating our wins; poop in the potty, cookies baked, some cookies broken so we get to eat them!  and then came the cry from upstairs.

MOOOOOMMMMMYYYYY!!!!! ZEMIRAH POOPED ON THE FLOOR!!!!!

I grabbed a pack of wipes and went upstairs and found a toddler squatting on the floor in full on poop position.  "Zizi, we don't poop on the floor, we poop in the potty."  I calmly stated.  I stood her up and guided her out of the way.  She stepped in it (oh no! I panicked inside) she stepped down.  Trying to stay as calm as possible I cleaned off her foot and sent her on her way to clean up the turds staring me in the face.  Before I knew it she sat down, and a messy poo butt smeared across more carpet.  My heart sank.  It's a never ending battle.  Then she said "Mommy, I peed on that blue chair!"  oh, great.

I sit here, calmed down, being fed plastic baby hands by the toddler who commited the above offense.  She's so sweet, so cute.  Asks adorable questions over and over and over again.  She brought me a baby in a box as a present.  If you could hear her sweet voice you would just smile with delight.  She is such a joy to our lives.  I can't let frustrating days, or frustrating moments steal away my joy in my position as a mother.

Sometimes it is so very hard.  I don't like finding myself on my knees cleaning up more pee, more poop, more spilled sugar or flour.  I don't like recleaning a mess because I wanted my oldest to learn how to clean it up the first time.  In a moment of frustration tonight I spouted off to my husband that I was just so jealous of him, getting to leave the house and have someone else clean up the big messes.  (in all honesty, poop really freaks him out, so it's probably for the best that this is usually my job)...

I don't want to lose my joy.  I don't want to lose the ache I felt in my heart during the first few days of this sweet girls life in my womb of pleading "God, please, let me keep her!!"

Toddler twos and threes can be so hard, so trying, so exhausting... but in there somewhere is a sweet kiss (but don't try for two!), a sweet smell, a sweet snuggle.  It might drive me nuts that she loves my bellybutton when I'm trying to run around the kitchen and she's following me with a hand up my shirt.  But, she only wants my bellybutton, and that is a sweet blessing.

She just found her wings that she's been looking for for days.  Her sweet voice "I found my wings! I found my wings!  I'm flying!  It's working! It's working!"  oh sweet Z, I love you.  

Screen Free Time

Screen Free Time is something most people are familiar with.  (and I know I should not end that sentence with a preposition.)  Here in our house SFT usually comes when I just can't take the screens anymore.

Many of you know that we homeschool - if you didn't, now you know - we homeschool.  (Which by the way is one word even though spell check is constantly trying to correct me. click here)  There are so many reasons a family chooses to homeschool, and ours, like many families is a combination of reasons.  I won't go into them right now, but I just wanted to throw that out there.  This post is actually about Screen Free Time.

It seems when we start out the school year I'm usually "super-mom".  I am on top of school.  I am on top of the house.  I am on top of everything.  We follow our schedules.  I prepare things the week before and then the night before, and I feel great!  And then about two weeks in I start to stumble, we let a couple of things slide.  Then three weeks in some more things slide, and by week six - we're in a bad spot.

Well, week six was last week for us and let me tell you, by the end of the week I was about to sign my daughter up for public school.  The problem was not my first grader.  No, she's great!  Doing her assignments, not complaining, enjoying school - the problem was ME!

Our schedule is gone.  My organization is gone.  My house is a mess and climbing back up the ladder of success seems like such a long hard climb.

So, we made a new rule for school days.  All school days are screen free from 8 am - 3 pm unless it is an educational website that has to do with our math, science, or some other assignment.  This eliminates two BIG problems we have - the constant whining and asking to watch a movie or play a computer game and then me losing track of time and letting them watch another movie and play another game... which can wrap into more time than we intended.

Today is our first day screen free.  (I also said that this rule does not apply to me, because much of my other home activities involve some sort of screen) Although, right now this blog writing is just therapy.

Can I be honest though, so far today has been awesome!  I feel like super mom again, even though the house is still a big mess.

Another thing I did today that I'm going to try and keep up with is keeping a bowl of healthy snack food out on the table.  This morning I cut up a melon and left it out with a plastic wrap over it.  Every time the girls whine that they're hungry I send them to the table for a bite of melon.  It has been awesome!  They just go and eat it - and they stop whining.

Today I also mandated that we spend time outside running around.  So we got out the soccer ball and set up some goals and played a rudimentary game of soccer.  And I officially lost.  We ran around and got hot and sweaty and tired for an hour!

After lunch we sat and Amariss read to me while I picked through her hair and then we switched and she picked through mine.  We were pretending we were monkeys looking for bugs.

I know that not all days (infact, most days) will not be like this, but today it feels pretty nice to have a good day and remember that its okay that we had a bad week last week.  It won't be our last one, but it wasn't our first - this is just a part of life.

I'll let you know how we feel at the end of the week.

Any other homeschooling parents have bad weeks?  How do you handle them?

Summer Fun...

It has been an absolutely crazy busy summer for us.  I can't believe that it is already August and some kids in our area will be starting school again next week.  We started home schooling Am again, beginning in July.  We have a busy school year ahead of us so we decided to get a jump start!

This summer we also have been working on our home study for our adoption.  We have finished our home visits and are waiting now on the finalization of our home study!!  This is so incredibly exciting for us and means we can start finishing our dossier for all of the necessary things it needs.

So far this summer we have experienced an unexpected gall bladder surgery, a trip to Arkansas for two weeks, 4 home study visits, A weekend visit with Aaron's Dad and his wife, and we began school in July!  It has been so busy and summer isn't over yet!  We still plan to hit the pool a few more times despite it being much more chilly than we expected it to be for summer and have a couple of more weekend vacations planned.

We are in the midst of our Freezer Full Adoption Fundraiser and are excited about the interest!  You guys are helping us bring home our little boy!  Thank you so very very much from the bottom of our hearts!

Here are a few pictures from our summer:

Amariss rode a horse like she'd been doing it her whole life!
Truly, this is her first time riding horse by herself and she loved it!

This little girl takes after big sister and absolutely loves water!

Her roller blades are her absolute favorite! (even though it doesn't look like it in this picture)

I couldn't resist!  She looked so cute on the 4th of July!

These two sisters are always making me laugh with their silly ways.

In true Amariss fashion, she was able to find a baby blue jay and show him much love.
I was able to coax her into putting him back although she insisted we needed to raise him.

Enjoy the rest of your summer!  We will keep you updated as our adoption plans continue to unfold!  We cannot wait to meet our little boy!  Thank you for all of your prayers and support!!!

Facebook Frustrations

It has been awhile since I've had a chance to sit down and write!  Life has been so busy, and honestly - enjoyable - that sitting down to write about it means I will probably miss something.  And when it comes to these growing girls, I don't want to miss a thing!

Our adoption plans have been put on a temporary hold.  We had a bit of a hiccup that I can explain in further detail another time.  At any rate, as we learned from the beginning, we have to trust God in all things - and we're learning to trust him here too.  If you wouldn't mind praying for us that we would be pursuing God's plan for our family in all things.

I was thinking this morning about Facebook.  That website that occupies so much of our precious time - the one I love and loathe at the same time.

I love the social aspect; the feeling that I can connect with dear friends that live far away, ask questions of like-minded moms (and offer opinions too), discuss childbirth and doula care, meet & cheer on women going through the trenches of infertility and miscarriage (these women have become very dear friends of mind as well), and stay up-to-date on the goings-on in the world.  I fear that if it weren't for Facebook I would be woefully uninformed about important and some rather unimportant things.

But then there is the part I loathe about Facebook.  Gossip, drama, time-suck, and that other thing - the part about my kids.  Whether I'm writing about the good they did, the bad they did, or the CrAzY - I'm writing, rather publicly, about my kids - not me.

This hit me - rather poignantly - about two years ago.  My oldest daughter was three and full of curiosity and energy.  I don't know what I posted, probably something about the CrAzY - because there is a lot of crazy in this house.  I probably wrote it to get it off my chest, or to relay the funny story to a friend - but as soon as I wrote it, I forgot about it.  It was later that evening, that I ran into a Facebook friend who asked my daughter about the incident.  My three year old looked at her, totally confused, as if to say "How do you know about that?"  

And that's when it hit me:
When I write something on Facebook, I'm not just writing it to a friend - or a few friends.  I'm writing it to over 400 people, many whom I don't know well, most who don't know my children at all.  I don't want my kids to feel confused as to how people found out about their good, bad, or crazy.

I wish that two years ago, when I first realized that damage Facebook could do to my children, I would have followed my own instinct and quit posting about my kids.  Instead of writing the funny things they say on Facebook, I should rather take that time and write them in a book.  I have journals for both of my girls - but rarely write in them.

Someday these stories are going to make me laugh, if they haven't already, and I'm going to want to read about them.  My guess is, my kids will want to read about them too.  29+ "like" 's are nice for today, but in a few weeks I'll forget what she said and Facebook doesn't transpose so well.  I've tried.

So today after my one of my daughters makes me want to pull my hair out, or 'LOL', or 'smh' - I'm going to try and write it down, not for the world to see - but for her to see - when she's older, when it will make her laugh out loud, or shake her own head. 

**I also want to clarify that because I don't write about my parenting fails, my children's mistakes, or all the negative stuff that can happen in life - it doesn't mean it doesn't happen here too.  We're human too.  But when I run into 'friends' I want them to see my kids for who they are, not how I portrayed them on Facebook.**    

Choosing Joy

This morning started out rough.  Actually, no - it didn't.  It started out great!  Tiny slept all night long, which is pretty rare, so I woke up well rested and ready for the day.

But then I lost track of time, and made an unfortunate discovery.  I had made a mistake a few months ago, that I didn't find out about until this morning and it ended up costing us money.  I really hate it when I make mistakes, especially financial ones.  So to say I was in a sour mood would be true.

We were on our way to Noodle's ballet class this morning and all I could think was "What else could happen today?  This day is just going to stink!"

Then I gently reminded myself to choose joy.  It wasn't an easy choice.  I kept reminding myself of all my failures and ways that I was pretty sure I wouldn't measure up today. But I prayed, I hashed it out with Jesus a bit - not wanting to choose joy, more or less forcing myself into it.

 To be honest, I didn't measure up today, I rarely do.

But I decided that at the end of this day, I would choose joy.  I wouldn't sit around and think about how terrible I did at being a great mom, or how my house doesn't look any better than it did when we started the day (and actually it probably looks worse), or that school wasn't as organized as I thought, or that we ended up eating leftovers instead of making a real dinner.

Truth is, today wasn't a stellar day for me and tomorrow probably won't be either.

But I've got joy.  I see love in my children's faces and I delight in their laughter and voices.  I kept calm when my patience was tested today, I let my daughter throw herself on the piles of laundry on the couch, and tried not to think about what I should really be doing with that laundry...

We did school; with jewels that my daughter wanted to use for a craft.  We'll eat dinner; not what was planned and we will enjoy this evening and enjoy each other.

Some days do not go like you plan them to, but that is okay.  At the end of the day I chose joy.  I messed up.  I made mistakes.

But there is a new day coming and today I'm not going to beat myself up over my shortcomings.

Any of you have days when you have to choose to be joyful?

Resolution Update

Last week I first wrote about my New Year's Resolution to parent better.  Which means to be more intentional in my parenting, training my daughter to seek God through teaching and watching. 

So how did we do this week? 

Well, Not perfect.  However, we did a "little girl" devotional this week, memorized a bible verse, and watched fewer movies.  So I'd say we're off to a good start. 

Pretty far from where I'd like to be, doing a devotional once a day, working on our memory verse once a day (atleast), and having her see my spend time with God on my own.  Usually I do my own personal devotional time at night, although, I'm noticing that if I take the time to spend with God during my morning I get alot more out of it... because by 9:30..10...sometimes 11 pm God gets the tired brain cells that have a hard time even reading, let alone processing. 

So that's my little update.  We're working on things and in time - we'll get it down.

I am looking forward to the change in Amariss as she is becoming more aware of God and others around her. 

This morning on the way to church she declared "I wanted to be a real princess!"  And I said "Honey, you are a real princess!  If you believe that Jesus died for your sins and became alive again you are his daughter!  And he is the King bigger than every other king!"  To which she replied "like me!  I believe that!  - God's light is shining in my eyes."  (as we headed towards the sun). 

I love having a 4 yr old, their minds are always moving and they have the words to talk about it!

and to think... I wasn't going to have one!

It was New Year's Eve of this year and we all sat around the table at my parents' house.  My dad, jokingly, posed the question "What's everyone's New Year's Resolution going to be?"  and followed it up with a light chuckle... if you know my dad, you'll know what I mean.

Quick with my come-back (which almost never happens) I replied "I'm resolving to have a baby this year!"  ....  because you know, I'm pregnant.  Everyone laughed... and that led to the rest of us talking about how we don't like to make New Year's Resolutions because they rarely get followed through on... and instead we like to just know what we hope to accomplish this year...

However, the next morning was Sunday and we got ourselves ready and went to Mom and Dad's church.  It was such a refreshing service, probably especially to me because in the past 2 months I think I've been in 2 actual church services, between my trip to California, followed by Thanksgiving, followed by preschool class at church, followed by Christmas traveling.... etc. etc. etc....  Things have been crazy, and I've missed worshiping with other believers.

Anyway, the pastor began to preach... and immediately I was convicted.  I think he started with something like this - "If you could ask for one thing what would it be?"  and I knew exactly what I would ask for...  healthy children.  That's literally what I said in my head.  A noble choice, sure...  but my heart knew it wasn't the most godly...  Satan instantly started attacking me with thoughts of "if you were more godly would you have thought up something more spiritual....  if you had been spending the time with God that you should be you would know the right answer to this question...." and so on, and so forth....

So where was the pastor going with this... stick with me... 

Psalm 27, a passage I memorized a few years ago because of its significance in my life, vs 4

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is  what I seek: 

That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.

And that got me thinking...  

That's what I want...  that's really what I want for my children...

I wanted healthy children, but realistically, God never told us we'd always be healthy on earth, or that life would always be easy....  

What I truly want for my children is that they would dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of their life, that they would gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and seek him in his temple....

That's what I really want for my children.  

And how can I spend this year guiding Am (and her new sister to come) in that way?  

First of all, I want to teach Am to seek God by showing her her parents seeking God.

Secondly, I want to teach Am to seek God by teaching her God's word.  She can't read yet, but she is at an age where she can memorize like its nobody's business.  When I was a kid I had this capability too, and instead of watching her memorize movie lines... (which she inherited from me)....  I want to teach her to memorize scripture.  That the word of God would be hidden in her heart... so that my young little duckling would know the word of God because she often times repeats it to herself when she needs it!!

Thirdly, I want to teach Am to seek God by teaching her how to learn from God's word.  So that all those verses she hides away in her heart wouldn't just be spoken words, but that they would be practical and applicable to her life.  That when she grows up she doesn't boast about how much scripture she knows for awards or "cool" factor among her church friends, but she would be thankful for the scripture she knows because it carried her through her toughest times. 

Fourth, I want to teach my daughter to pray.  Lets just be honest... this cute little girl doesn't like to pray.  I have to admit I feel super guilty whenever my friends tell me stories about their munchkins praying before bed, before dinner, or whenever...  This one... not so much.  However, every once in awhile... (great once in awhile) she'll tell us its her turn to pray... and then I know... she's listening, she's watching, and someday she'll bust out in prayer.  In the meantime, my husband and I will continue to model prayer in everything we do whether before bed, before meals, when someone is hurt, when we can't find what we need...  wherever we are being constant communication with God.  

And Finally, We want to teach our daughter to seek God through fasting.  Lets be real candid.  My husband and I are not super good at fasting...  as in, it doesn't happen very often.  More for my husband than for me.  And this area of fasting can be tricky as its not something you want to do publicly and pridefully.  However, how can we teach our young daughter to seek God while leaving out this important principal of fasting?  More so, how can we become better at fasting so that we are even in any way able to model this for our offspring?  Children learn by example... and frankly when it comes to fasting, my example sucks.  How can I present a better model of fasting... especially while pregnant?  I don't actually know.  but I'm going to pray about it, seek the Father's face on this issue...  and see what he tells me.  

 So, in essence, I do have a New Year's Resolution.  

I am resolving to parent better.  To be a mother who teaches my children to seek God, while I myself continue to learn to seek God more.  

Amen.

In the end, its all about Love

I don't have time to post today, but this has been on my mind for so long and I know if I wait two weeks to post I'll never remember.  We have Christmas with my husband's mom tonight and then are traveling to visit my family for Christmas Day and an extended visit after.  I won't see my mom again until the baby comes in May, so I want to cherish and soak up every moment!

I saw a friend yesterday and she encouraged me again on what a great mom I am, I said thank you and told her that it's hard being a mom.

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized it played into other realizations I've been making over the past few weeks. 

Being a mom isn't hard because I have a bad kid... no, being a mom is really hard because of other moms! 

Its the advent of social networking, blogging, and parenting websites that make me feel so inadequate as a mother.  It is here that I am reminded of all that I'm not doing, ways I'm parenting wrong, or shown just how inadequate I feel I really am. 

I spent a good hour last night talking to my husband about this... he listened and ended the conversation with "well that was a great conversation, should we pick this up again next week?"  Thank you psychologist Aaron. 

Truly, I just had a girl moment.  A moment in which all the thoughts and pressures and concerns of the all the ideologies and mothering philosophies around me finally piled up and overwhelmed me.  I needed to talk it out. 

So I've been thinking.

Who am I? 

As a person, as a worker, as a servant, as a friend?  And what do I stand for under all of those things? 

Well let me tell you, even though I've been thinking about it I certainly don't have the ability to write it all out right now, things are still flying around my head.  Trust me, there's a lot in there. 

But one important point I have to come in all of this is that it doesn't really matter what other people think. 

If I can't be a fully natural, fully attachment parenting mother; a master gardener; good housekeeping of the year award winner; crafty super mom; homeschooling diva; blogging wonder; or even model wife... 

It's okay.

I wasn't created to do it all.

And that makes being a mom so much easier.  Because now it's me, my daughter, our new baby coming, and making sure they know they're loved, they know truth, and they know God's promises. 

1 Corinthians 13:13 
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

*I am not insinuating that natural, attachment parenting, homeschooling, crafty, super housecleaners, fabulous gardeners... etc are making me feel like a bad mom... 

I am trying to say that measuring up to all that some super moms are in those area and attempting to be awesome at everything is overwhelming to me. 

Parenting isn't always as easy as they make it out to be.

I've been reading parenting books since before my daughter was born.  I'm always looking for something that can give us insight into a baby's, toddler's, and now preschooler's brain.  I love to read stories from parents who have "been there...tried that". 

But one thing that I'm learning from all of this reading is - what looks simple and clear-cut on paper is not simple and clear-cut in real life. 

Even on my best day, in a fabulous mood, its hard to implement the suggestions in this book.  I'm thankful that the way I respond today does not permanently affect her life!  I am thankful that my little girl is growing up understanding that sometimes Mommy has to apologize for her attitude, sometimes Mommy needs to take a time-out. 

The books are usually right, and even their disclaimer that its easier said that done - won't always set you up for just how much easier it is said than done.  Speaking in a soft voice - all the time - doesn't come naturally and may take some practice.  Explaining clearly my expectations (in 3 yr old terms) doesn't come easily when I would think my kid should be able to read and understand my mind...duh.  Immediately following through with consequences for disobedience is very time consuming (and sometimes I just don't feel like I have time for it.)

But I'm thankful for her patience, God's grace, and the knowledge that she is growing in beauty and grace inside and out - even though I haven't reached parenting perfection. 

100 Days of Beholding - Day 1

I was invited by a friend on facebook to be a part of "100 Days of Beholding"  Check out her document and join in on the revelation. 

I want to share with all of you a few of my beholdings as I go through this journey.  Today is Day 1 for me, and although I won't subject you to every entry of mine - I want you to see some of my highlights. 

#1) I'm thankful for time of stress.  they increase my faith and teahch me to trust [God] even when I don't want to.  Trusting involves letting go - and letting go means I could get hurt.  But I've leavned that you are good and even when my heart is broken you love me most.  So in this time of stress, when my only choice is to trust you - I let go and know that you are always good.
I am one who chooses to avoid stress at all cost.  Whether it is avoiding confrontation, avoiding traffic, avoiding grocery stores...you get the idea.  I avoid stress because I fear I don't handle it well.  Sometimes, stress, is unavoidable and its learning to handle it, and handle it well that teaches the most about who God is.

#6 I'm thankful for [our daughter]; a fun loving child, full of joy, who mimicks our acts of love and has taught us that gentle parenting, although heard work - is worth the effort.  A child who is by no means perfect but speaks trust in simple words; when I'm sick "Jesus will heal you, Mommy."  A risk taker from the beginning - bold and strong willed - she will shake this woorld for Jesus as she grows and matures in him.  She is all real - nothing fake in her and when she commits her life to Christ she will be unmoveable.
I often times speak of my child as a handful, difficult, exhausting; terms that in no way build up her charachter.  But she is so much more than that - she is all that we prayed for in a daughter.  Strong willed, unshakeable, loves deeply.  I compare her to other children, raised similarly, and wonder 'hHve I done something wrong?' but I know...  I know.... She doesn't commit until she's sold out - and when this one sells out for Christ - the world will never be the same.

I look forward to what the rest of the 99 days brings.  I know that this is an exercise in believing, beholding, and becoming.  I don't want to become complacent in my place of life.