In this season....

I struggle so much in this life with doing big, being big. I want to be that person whose ministry is making a difference. I want to make a difference. But these days all I can do is just live. To make it through this day. I can't even organize my thoughts as to what I would do to make a difference, there are just too many needs. And how could I make a difference? I am just one person with no extra time. Actually, I am representative of 5 people with no extra time. (And I just spilled milk on my jeans.) I have to remind myself regularly that I cannot do all things.  I must do what I can do; well. Raising my kids. Supporting my husband. Fulfilling our call to expand our family through adoption. Homeschooling. Youth ministry. There it is; my plate is full. I can do those things well right now, with God's help. 

I wrote in my daughter's journal this morning that we go through seasons of our lives. There is a season for working, volunteering, creating, but this season right here is for loving and raising these babies. And that is a good thing. It isn't an easy season, it's the kind that earns you time alone when your husband gets home from work because you called him near tears with both toddlers screaming at you; demanding all of you at the exact same time.  It is the kind of season that breeds lots of laughter and silly faces and funny games. It is the season when you teach a two year old and a three year old that they have to share, and you teach a seven year old just how valuable and important she is even though her world is overrun with irrational siblings. It is the kind of season when you laugh and you cry; when you change more poopy diapers than you ever thought possible in a 2 hr time span. It is a hard and wonderful season and it may not feel like I'm doing anything big or changing the world, but I am changing their world so that they can do 


big too.

 I am in a season of multiplication and it is hard but good. Someday, someday... Someday there will be time for sitting and painting and praying and changing the lives of others outside of this tight knit little circle I live in, but not quite yet. A reminder from my devotions today Luke 16:10 “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”
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I can be faithful with these littles right now.

Is this what we call normal?

Yes, I think our lives are finally slipping into "normal".  I wouldn't say that normal is always easy, but it is good to be here.  Normal means that the transitional things we have noticed with Doron have either ceased or we now can expect them and work through them.

Doron has handled our transition back to church remarkably well and we are now in the process of transitioning back into youth ministry as adult leaders (our church has a youth pastor and several other adult leaders).  This is still a bit tricky as we both have our life groups to work with and Doron cannot be without one of us in the nursery.  Last week he handled life group "ok" and needed to go to the nursery during worship, so Aaron took nursery duty.  Not sure if we will switch tonight or if Aaron will go again.  After a long day at work Doron isn't much for leaving Aaron's side at night.

Aaron is still Doron's favorite but I get plenty of hugs, kisses and snuggles during the day too.  Last night Aaron had had all three kids at his mom's house while I took a webinar.  When they got home Doron yelled "Mama!" and ran up to me with his arms wide open.  It was so sweet!

As Doron has gotten more comfortable with us we are seeing more of his little personality coming out.  No longer is he quiet and timid but he has a lot to say and often we call his little language his Mandrish.  We can tell he is trying to say something in English but it sounds like it is probably partly Mandarin.  He has become a daring little boy who tests his limits with climbing ladders and chairs and trying to ride his sister's big bikes and his little (but still too big for him) bike; laughing the whole time.  He is quick to smile and a tickle will bring on a fit of giggles that makes you never want to stop tickling him.  He likes to be thrown by Daddy high up in the air and smiles a giant smile every time.

He is also a little stinker who will sometimes hit or bite his big sister, Zizi.  Sadly, its usually her who gets hit or bit.  She is still taking it well, although she did go through a phase when if he came near her she would run away screaming.  Mostly the two of them play really well together but there are also days like today when Z does NOT want to share her Mommy and Doron does NOT know what he wants so everybody cries and screams (sometimes Mommy cries too... I try not to scream, that usually makes things worse).  Naptime has finally settled itself out.  Z watches an episode of Octonauts or Clifford... or whatever her favorite show this week is and Doron snuggles up on my shoulder and quickly falls asleep.  Then Z goes down pretty easily too.  I am thankful we found a system.

Am has been so busy this summer playing with her best friend whenever possible.  It seems we hardly see her; just glimpses as they run between houses.  Doron thinks Am's best friend is also one of his sisters and he calls her Jie Jie as well.  It's pretty adorable.

This is an amazing time in  our lives - crazy busy and difficult - but really amazing.

Sleep, Baby, Sleep

The first two nights after Doron joined our family bedtime was a piece of cake.  In every way; it was easy, it was sweet, it was enjoyable.  About the third night though Doron didn't want me anymore.  At first when it came to bedtime he would lay his head on my chest and full out lay on top of me, with his tiny little body.

On night three, he didn't want to be anywhere near me.  Since then, Doron has preferred Daddy.  And by preferred, I mean - he cries like the worst is happening all over again unless Daddy is there to lay him down for naps or bedtime and be there when he wakes up from either.  Even this afternoon when Doron woke up from his nap, I went in to get him and pick him up.  He cried and cried and cried, huge tears, lots of snot - CRYING; knowing that Daddy is headed back to work this week and that we are going to have to figure this thing out I tried to distract him with his favorite snack.  Nothing.. the tears would not stop coming.  Only after going outside and getting Daddy, and being held by Daddy did the crying stop and he ate the snack I was still holding.

Doron loves Daddy.  No doubt about that.  And really, I have no doubt that he loves me too, but for some reason when it comes to sleeping he doesn't trust anyone like he trusts Daddy.  And that's ok, because that's what he needs right now.

Tonight was different though.  For some reason when we were putting Z down to bed, Doron got really jealous of her snuggling me.  Doron wanted Mama.  Since Daddy has only put Z to bed once since we got home from China, I picked up Doron and we cheerfully waved goodbye to everyone and headed downstairs to put Doron to bed.

He was so calm.  I've never seen him so calm at bedtime.  But I sang to him softly all my bedtime songs, twice.  And then we laid down in bed together, like we did the first night we had him.  I took off my glasses and he touched my face and he called me Nai Nai.  It's a small glimpse into his little mind, what all of this must feel like to him.

His Nai Nai is his foster mom.  At 18 months old our son was placed in a foster home for 7 months while we waited to be able to travel and get him.  During this time he bonded really well with his foster mom, I imagine she must have sang to him quite a lot.  She loved him very much.  Nai Nai has long straight hair, similar to mine and sometimes I wonder if I was too similar to her for awhile.  That he had to learn to separate her and I.  Tonight, with my glasses off and half asleep he thought I was Nai Nai and he fell asleep peacefully in my arms.

Our little baby has endured quite a lot in his short life.  It can be hard to understand all that our son has gone through because in all my life I haven't suffered the loss that he has.  I hope and pray that as he grows, we are able to help him fully process and understand his past, his present, and his future.  I pray that God gives him peace as he works out all that he endured.  I know it will be a lifelong journey for him to mourn what was and what will never be, and accept what is and all that can be.

Goodnight friends.

Adoption Journey: Our trip to China Part 1

We have been home from China for 3 days now and yesterday marked two weeks as a family of five.  There is so much I could write and say, there is so much beautiful and so much perfection and yet his little life is so fragile. 

I've always known from living in the world of infertility and pregnancy loss that suggesting an infertile "just adopt" was about the most taboo thing you could say.  And I respected it, I honored it, even if at the time I didn't quite understand it. 

This past year has been an incredible journey for us full of ups and downs, twists and turns.  There have been moments of anxiety and fear, and moments of joy and hope and purpose.  We read books and watched what felt like endless hours of videos all in preparation of the great unknown of bringing a wounded child into our family.  We prepared ourselves because we knew his heart had been hurt but to what degree we may never know.  The hurts that have filled his tiny life he might not even understand, and if he does he might not ever know how to express.

On the other side of the coin, we entered into this process with excitement and anticipation, but also with trepidation knowing that the journey God was calling us into would be wonderful but difficult.  There would be tears of joy, but many tears of sadness as we try desperately to navigate our little one through a world that to this point has caused him much pain.

Even up to our leaving for China it felt completely surreal.  I would sit and wonder if this was really happening.  As we packed bags, bought gifts, confirmed our flights, prepared and prepared and prepared - I wondered the whole time, were we really about to become parents again?

The night before we were set to leave, at 8 pm - when we were scheduled to fly out at 5:45 the following morning, my phone lit up with a text from our airline that our flight had been cancelled.  They had immediately put us on a different flight to Chicago, effectively missing our flight to Beijing by 1 hour.  We spent the next hour frantically coming up with a plan B, and at 7am the next morning we packed up our minivan and drove to Chicago to catch our flight to Beijing... because living in a small community means cancelling flights just because.

The first 10 months of our journey were easy - difficult because of lots of paperwork, but everything always fit right into place.  The last 5 months were frustrating when there was delay after delay in our travel to meet our son.  Even up to the very last night.

Our flight to China was incredibly easy.  Am had a child's meal which meant her food was infinitely better than the rest of ours and she raved about how nice the flight staff was.  And they really were, so she was right on there.  All the way to China it felt like a dream... felt like I was sitting in a car for 13 hours to go on a dream vacation.  Being in Beijing felt like visiting a big city and us and several other families kept commenting, even as we stood on the Great Wall of China that it didn't feel like we were in China.  It felt like we were on a really awesome vacation. 

I think that going to Beijing for the first 3 days of our adoption trip was one of the best decisions we could have made.  They keep you so ridiculously busy that there is no way you have a chance to stop and realize just how jetlagged you are.  You just run on adrenaline as you are shown the great history and culture of your child's birth country.  The people of China are so nice and the beauty of the country really overwhelmed me.  It saddened me to see a people and culture so beautiful, a family structure deep and strong, but yet know how unfree they are.  In the few people we talked to who spoke English that was there comment.  They liked the freedoms of America but they loved their country.  And to be honest, in a way, we fell in love with their country as well.

Throughout our time in Beijing I constantly wondered if we were really on this trip to bring home our son or if this was all just a ruse.  What if there had been a mistake and we really didn't have a child waiting for us?  What if they brought us the wrong one?  What if all of this was not the end of this journey and we went home empty handed? 

Flying to our son's city was quite possibly the best feeling ever.  Taking pictures of our first glimpse of Nanjing and knowing that within 24 hours he would be in our arms forever - that was amazing. 

The story could continue on forever, and I will finish this another day - but here we are at the climax of our story.  The next steps start our newest journey, marking our first few days with our beautiful baby.

Having been home 3 days now and feeling the effects of jetlag worse than ever, my heart is stuck in melancholy.  It is frustrating to say the least to be navigating these new challenges with exhaustion as my constant companion.  All I want is to spend every waking moment fostering attachment with my new son, but I have to be patient and wait.  I have to understand that his hesitation towards me, isn't me at all -  it is a history of hurts that I will never fully understand. 

I know now that suggesting that a childless family adopt is not appropriate because adoption is a calling, but I also now understand that adoption has always been a part of my calling.  We will press on, treasure on, live on, seek on - desperate to secure in our little one a foundation of love, truth, and hope so that his future might be bright and his heart full. 

Learning To Let God Lead

I was driving into town last week and I heard this song on the radio.  I believe it hit me, quite hard it felt, that for a long time I have been trying to write my own story.  This is probably the reason that I find people that have what I want, a knowledge of what their future holds, and I'm jealous of them.  Even more jealous if they have that knowledge and are pursuing their passion, and it's something (I think) I want for my life also, but am not sure if that is the direction in which I am headed.

Am I rambling?  Does that make sense?  In my book study last spring, Unglued by Lisa Turkhurst, there was a whole chapter on jealousy.  That chapter was like a cold bucket of water over my head.  Yikes!  That was one of the first times I have really taken on the knowledge that I fight jealousy.  It's a companion I need to learn how to shake, and hopefully I am learning how to shake.  I tried bottling it up, and putting on a happy smiley face, but no, that just makes me stew and become bitter.  I thought that maybe telling people when I was jealous of them would help me shake it, but no, that just makes me look (and feel) like an idiot.

Ah, I see, jealousy is from the evil one, the one who wants me to look like an idiot, push people away, and become angry and bitter.

In life, there are a thousand different reasons to be jealous.  Someone always has it better, there is always something to be desired.  Whether it be a job, a family, a dream - someone always has something you could want, or desire.

When I look back at my adult life I can see that God has taken me on an interesting journey.  One I never would have imagined 10 years ago, when I was a young college student, engaged to be married and living with my neighbors, studying for a degree I (kind of) intended to use, in a field I (kind of) enjoyed.  To be honest, it was the grace of God that led me to that degree, the one that opened doors and got me on my start to being a childbirth educator and later birth doula. I love what I do. I couldn't imagine loving any other job (outside of my role as a mom) more.

I never once imagined I'd be the woman I am today, with the passions I have today.  I never once imagined that I would homeschool, or care about red dye and high fructose corn syrup (seriously, I love fruit snacks and twinkies - er, I did... okay, I do still love fruit snacks), or be passionate about natural childbirth, or passionate about natural anything (again, the girl who popped ibuprofen in high school like it was candy and thought McDonalds could pass as a healthy meal).  I never once imagined that we would have miscarriage after miscarriage and wonder how many children we would have.  I also never once imagined that I would doubt myself or that I wouldn't know what the next step would be.

And that's where I am.  I don't know what the rest of the story is, and often times I try so hard to write it for God only to find myself more confused and frustrated than before.  But I forget, he has written it thus far; He has opened doors, presented opportunities, and shaped me and molded me along the way, all in his timing, for his purposes.  

So I think listening to this song this week has been a good reminder to me to stop playing with God's pen.  A reminder to be fully invested in the current life God has called me to lead and when the time is right, he will guide me to the next step, whatever that may be.  We are all on different paths, because we are all different people.  Some of us are called to take similar journeys, but no journey is ever identical to or better than someone else's.

A journey is a journey, and I will let God lead mine.

**This post was written late at night, after reviewing it this morning I would like to add that I am not insanely jealous as the piece might suggest. But I do believe that I struggle with jealousy just like anyone else. I am not focusing this post directed at any specific person or event, it is just general reflection.**

*This post has been edited*

Step-by-step...

I knew I would blog this week, there is so much to say, but I haven't known how to say it.

Really, there hasn't been a whole lot to report.  I made a surprise trip to Arkansas two weekends ago to surprise my mom for her birthday!  (and if I was really great at taking pictures I'd have some for you, but wrangling two kids by myself for a 12 hr drive was enough).

On our way to Arkansas we got the news that our application had been accepted by the agency and we were ready to move on with the next step!  That step was signing a lot of paperwork...

Officially, the paperwork has been signed and mailed, and according to the United States Postal Service should arrive at our agency's head office on Thursday.  Woohoo!

I really feel God's hand in all of this.  Down to every last tiny, seemingly unimportant detail like our paperwork arriving on Thursday, November 21.

A little over 6 months ago we miscarried a little boy, Isaiah.  Many of you have seen our posts and have shown us so much support.  Amazingly, our hearts have healed so well from this loss, which I know is nothing short of God's divine goodness.  We were blessed to have a memorial service for him, and because of this, his loss helped bring closure to us from 7 years of miscarriages.

We had begun looking into adoption in January of this year, long before we knew we were expecting.  With our pregnancy we put adoption off to the side for awhile.  When we lost Isaiah, and were ready to pursue adoption again, I knew I would not be fully ready until we had passed and mourned his due date.  This Wednesday, November 20, is Isaiah's due date.

He sees us, he hears us.  He knows exactly who we are, and where we are in our journey.  God does not take a single thing for granted.  

Sunday, one of our pastor's reminded us that "Our God takes impossibilities and makes them possibilities."  That is so true.  From step one he has taken what seems impossible to us and opened a door and made it a possibility.  He has closed doors that we may have wanted to step through, knowing it wasn't the right plan for us.  We are completely trusting Him as we take one more step toward our possibility.

Today we also remember our 2nd miscarriage.  Our little baby, Tiny, was miscarried on November 18, 2006.  Sometimes I wonder when I will stop remembering these anniversaries, but my heart feels that as long as we live, we won't.  These little ones, a part of our lives for an incredibly too short amount of time, are a part of us.  We lost Tiny while at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference, we were a little over 6 weeks along.

So, this week is strangely bittersweet.  We mourn a lot of loss but look forward with tempered anticipation for all that is to come.

The Garage Sale

Our first adoption fundraiser was last Saturday!  We had a garage sale to help raise funds and it was so exciting.  My very good friends spent Wednesday and Thursday at my mother-in-laws house tagging/organizing/sorting all in preparation for Friday afternoon and Saturday.  And my mother-in-law deserves a medal of honor for watching my kids AND my friends' kids all day Wednesday and Thursday!!

There were so many generous friends who donated so much to this sale!  There is no way we would have done so well without all of you!  We had a full garage and full driveway with everything from nearly every size of children's clothing, to toys, to maternity clothes, to housewares, to a huge toolbox and fencing!

It was amazing.  

Everything did not sell :( but we are going to pack everything back up and try again for the spring city-wide!  We might have a baby by then (who knows?) but even if we do, we will still be paying for this adoption, so all the funds will still go towards our adoption fund.  

Choosing Joy

This morning started out rough.  Actually, no - it didn't.  It started out great!  Tiny slept all night long, which is pretty rare, so I woke up well rested and ready for the day.

But then I lost track of time, and made an unfortunate discovery.  I had made a mistake a few months ago, that I didn't find out about until this morning and it ended up costing us money.  I really hate it when I make mistakes, especially financial ones.  So to say I was in a sour mood would be true.

We were on our way to Noodle's ballet class this morning and all I could think was "What else could happen today?  This day is just going to stink!"

Then I gently reminded myself to choose joy.  It wasn't an easy choice.  I kept reminding myself of all my failures and ways that I was pretty sure I wouldn't measure up today. But I prayed, I hashed it out with Jesus a bit - not wanting to choose joy, more or less forcing myself into it.

 To be honest, I didn't measure up today, I rarely do.

But I decided that at the end of this day, I would choose joy.  I wouldn't sit around and think about how terrible I did at being a great mom, or how my house doesn't look any better than it did when we started the day (and actually it probably looks worse), or that school wasn't as organized as I thought, or that we ended up eating leftovers instead of making a real dinner.

Truth is, today wasn't a stellar day for me and tomorrow probably won't be either.

But I've got joy.  I see love in my children's faces and I delight in their laughter and voices.  I kept calm when my patience was tested today, I let my daughter throw herself on the piles of laundry on the couch, and tried not to think about what I should really be doing with that laundry...

We did school; with jewels that my daughter wanted to use for a craft.  We'll eat dinner; not what was planned and we will enjoy this evening and enjoy each other.

Some days do not go like you plan them to, but that is okay.  At the end of the day I chose joy.  I messed up.  I made mistakes.

But there is a new day coming and today I'm not going to beat myself up over my shortcomings.

Any of you have days when you have to choose to be joyful?

100 Days of Beholding - Day 1

I was invited by a friend on facebook to be a part of "100 Days of Beholding"  Check out her document and join in on the revelation. 

I want to share with all of you a few of my beholdings as I go through this journey.  Today is Day 1 for me, and although I won't subject you to every entry of mine - I want you to see some of my highlights. 

#1) I'm thankful for time of stress.  they increase my faith and teahch me to trust [God] even when I don't want to.  Trusting involves letting go - and letting go means I could get hurt.  But I've leavned that you are good and even when my heart is broken you love me most.  So in this time of stress, when my only choice is to trust you - I let go and know that you are always good.
I am one who chooses to avoid stress at all cost.  Whether it is avoiding confrontation, avoiding traffic, avoiding grocery stores...you get the idea.  I avoid stress because I fear I don't handle it well.  Sometimes, stress, is unavoidable and its learning to handle it, and handle it well that teaches the most about who God is.

#6 I'm thankful for [our daughter]; a fun loving child, full of joy, who mimicks our acts of love and has taught us that gentle parenting, although heard work - is worth the effort.  A child who is by no means perfect but speaks trust in simple words; when I'm sick "Jesus will heal you, Mommy."  A risk taker from the beginning - bold and strong willed - she will shake this woorld for Jesus as she grows and matures in him.  She is all real - nothing fake in her and when she commits her life to Christ she will be unmoveable.
I often times speak of my child as a handful, difficult, exhausting; terms that in no way build up her charachter.  But she is so much more than that - she is all that we prayed for in a daughter.  Strong willed, unshakeable, loves deeply.  I compare her to other children, raised similarly, and wonder 'hHve I done something wrong?' but I know...  I know.... She doesn't commit until she's sold out - and when this one sells out for Christ - the world will never be the same.

I look forward to what the rest of the 99 days brings.  I know that this is an exercise in believing, beholding, and becoming.  I don't want to become complacent in my place of life.