20 days!!

20 days peeps.

twenty.

let that sink in.

The day goes quickly, but then it comes to this point in the evening when it crawls.  Nevermind that my bedroom is a mess and my big couch (yes, the big one) is full of laundry that needs to be folded.

Time is standing still right now.

I've made Doron's packing list, called Verizon and discovered that putting International calling on our phone plan is a better option than renting a cell phone in China, recieved 2 of my amazon purchases (more arriving tomorrow!), I've sorted out who is taking what carry ons, and I finished Doron's blanket!!

I'm excited.  And yet, IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?!?!

3 weeks from tonight we will be in China, totally exhausted yet probably unable to sleep.  3 weeks from tomorrow we'll be touring Beijing, 3 weeks from Saturday we'll go on another tour, 3 weeks from Sunday we'll fly to our province and 3 weeks from Monday we'll meet our son!!  oh my goodness.

I don't have super thought provoking words, or anything really because I'm at a complete lack of words.  All I have is a silly smile and a running list that keeps going through my head and never ends.  There is always something else to do, but sometimes I just am too excited to move.  And then I wonder, what's all this going to be like for Doron?  New faces, new places, new things everywhere, a new name - if he knew what was coming would he be excited?  He's waking up today to a day just like any other, most likely completely oblivious (other than the CD and photo album of us) that his world is changing.

Kind of makes me think of this video our girls watched when they were babies.  There was a man and a woman in it and at one point the smiled and waved at the screen.  The girls LOVED it!  Always calling the man "grandpa" and the girl "that lady" - but how would they feel if that "grandpa" and "that lady", even though the liked them on the tv, came over one day and took them away from everything they'd ever known.  I imagine that's a little how its going to be for Doron.  Except not only does he not really know us, we don't even speak his language.  (We have learned/are learning a tiny bit of Mandarin...tiny.)

As we come home there are going to be a lot of big transitions for all of us, and we must always remember that our little guy is taking all of this in from a completely different view point.  At his age he doesn't understand what he doesn't have and what he is getting, he will for awhile only understand what he has lost and been taken from.

Please pray for us.  For the next few weeks as we prepare to travel and then for the next several weeks and months and we transition into a family of 5.  We are all going to need lots of grace and patience during this time....

Love and bless you all -

Brie

How much longer?

It hasn't been a month since my last posting but it feels like it!  So much has happened in the last few weeks and here we are mid-february and thinking about when we might get to go meet and bring home our little boy!

Is this really happening??  Less than a year ago we actually started the adoption process from China;  at that point our time frame was 18 months at the earliest!  11 months later and we have our visas and know we will be going to China this spring.  The question still remains which month we will be leaving in, but we are preparing our hearts and our home to bring in another little one.

Currently we are waiting for our Article 5 to be issued.  It would normally be expected this week, but with Chinese New Year we may have to wait an extra week.  Once our Article 5 has been issued we will recieve our Travel Approval (TA) and then tickets are booked and the trip is planned!

I get overwhelmed wrapping my head around all that the next few months holds for us.  Time is flying over here and it catches me by surprise constantly!  In a city far away, in a home I've never seen, being held by another woman - is my son.  I am so grateful for the family that is taking care of him in this time when I can't.  I am not sure how I will ever be able to adequately thank them for all that they mean to me.  To bring my little one into their hearts for a brief time, to take care of him, and shower him with love - it means so much.  So very much.
 

Remembering

July is when Aaron and I remember four anniversaries of miscarriages from the past 8 years.  Half of our miscarriages have occurred in July, it has no longer become dates for us, but throughout the whole month it rests in the back of our minds.  Our first miscarriage occurred on July 20, 2006.

I know I've written often about our miscarriages and our anniversaries.  We are now 8 months from our last miscarriage, so for us it feels strange.  8 months doesn't seem like long, but when you are back to back miscarriage to pregnancy - infertility to miscarriage - pregnancy to miscarriage - adoption to pregnancy - miscarriage to adoption, you feel like you're on a roller coaster.

Right now we are in the early stages of our adoption.  It feels a lot like being at the end of your first trimester, you are finally ready to accept this pregnancy and believe this baby is really going to come home.  You still have a long way to go, your ultrasound is still months away, but you are excited.  Meeting your baby someday seems real.

So to be remembering these anniversaries while being in a strange state of "pregnancy" leaves me feeling surreal about them all.  Like I can look back and say, "Wow, God - look what you did and look where you are taking us!"

I love this song by Matt Redman:

Never Once

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

The words echo exactly what my heart feels, like we are standing on a mountaintop, looking back on all that we went through or that we're kneeling on the battleground, remembering the war that was fought and all that our hearts experienced.  I feel like we can look at our hearts and see our own scars and our muscles bear the strength of the struggle. But through it all - and I've always said this - never once did we not feel God's love, his faithfulness, his strength carrying us through it all.

I remember pregnant with Zemirah, just weeks after our 6th miscarriage, reading and owning 

2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself."  

I felt so faithless, I had no confidence that that pregnancy would bring me a baby in my arms.  I knew God was good, I knew he was faithful and I knew that when I went through another miscarriage I would survive.  I am thankful that God had different plans for the little life growing inside of me.  

This July we remember the lives of our little ones in heaven.  Amariss speaks often and openly about her brothers and sisters in heaven.  Their lives hold value to her and to us.  They are a part of our family and someday we will meet them, hold them, and pour on them all the love we have missed.  

I am so thankful that this July we celebrate all of our children;

Baby K, Tiny, Itty Bitty, Amariss, Cinco, Woven, Bunnin, Zemirah, Isaiah, Little One, and our soon to be Baby Boy.  

Amariss found and loved on a baby blue jay yesterday.

Zemirah danced and praised Jesus with me this morning.

10 years of marriage.

Earlier this year I was gifted a book by a very dear friend of mine.  The book is Delight-full, 31 Days to a Happier Baby...And Wholehearted Motherhood.  It is a lovely book written by a really busy and joyful mom.  She has eight children and writes about simple and practical ways to add joy and delight to your parenting journey.

One particular chapter she tells a story about her wedding dress.  As I read it though, I could clearly in detail imagine exactly what happened because just two years ago I experienced the exact same thing.  spoiler alert: This might give away this particular chapter, but it is still worth the read.

She tells the story of her daughter discovering and opening her wedding dress that had been so carefully and meticulously wrapped and sealed.  And then her daughter opening her wedding dress, taking it out, and putting it on and joyfully exclaiming about how beautiful she was.  This is exact situation happened to us when Am was about 4 years old.  For years I had gotten the box out and we had looked at the dress through the window, and then we would put the box away again.  And one day I heard a happy exclamation of pure delight when my little girl said "Mommy!  Come Look!!"  I ran upstairs, curious as to what had her so happy and I - flipped my lid.

My face fell, my expressions did not mimic my daughters.  As joy emanated from her depths anger was boiling up from mine.  "Amariss! What are you doing???!?!?"  I exclaimed.  And the rest is history.  I gave her a punishment totally unfitting of the crime of wearing my wedding dress.  I was angry for way too long.

The precious box my dress had been stored in was demolished, and my wedding dress had no special home until my daughters were grown.

But when I read this strikingly similar story in Kate's book, I found a new perspective.  I've long since gotten over the wearing of my wedding dress, but my dress is still special to me and I want it to be special to my girls.  Kate tells us in her book of what she decided to do when her daughter opened up her wedding dress.  I wish my reaction had been similar.

Kate and her husband decided to make wearing Mommy's wedding dress a special occasion.  Every year, on their anniversary, they get out Kate's dress and the girls get to put it on and play in it.

I realized that my girls will probably out grow me by the time they are 12 (bless their sweet Daddy), so keeping my wedding dress for them until they are adults is an unrealistic idea.  I remember fitting my mom's wedding dress when I was 15 and modeling it for a mother-daughter night at church.  It was so incredibly fun.

So we have decided to pick up the Collins' tradition of wearing Mommy's wedding dress on our anniversary.

Today, my husband and I are celebrating 10 years of marriage.  I am so thankful for the man I married.  I think back through all we have been through in the last 10 years, and I cannot believe the ways we have changed.  I am so thankful that we have grown together through all of it and not apart.  I am so thankful that at the end of everyday when we curl up together, exhausted, that we feel each others love.  I am so thankful that when I woke up from anesthesia from my surgery a few weeks ago I couldn't stop crying because "I just love Aaron so much!" (yep.  that's what I woke up saying)  I am so thankful that Aaron has taken the role of priest of our home very seriously, and that he seeks God in every decision he makes.  I am so thankful that he challenges me and encourages me.  He is an incredibly outgoing man, and his love for people is something I need to learn.  He is confident and gracious.  I am so thankful that I married him.

This morning I had the girls try on my wedding dress.  They were so beautiful and they had so much fun!

If you think the "soft" around her is a special added effect, you can think again.
This is what happens when you have a toddler.  Need to clean the camera lens again!
Z - 2 yrs old

She thought this was an amazing experience. She posed perfectly.
Am - 6 yrs old

10 years with the love of my life.  So very thankful that God has blessed us with these two beautiful babes, I can't wait to see what the rest of our lives will look like.

The Garage Sale

Our first adoption fundraiser was last Saturday!  We had a garage sale to help raise funds and it was so exciting.  My very good friends spent Wednesday and Thursday at my mother-in-laws house tagging/organizing/sorting all in preparation for Friday afternoon and Saturday.  And my mother-in-law deserves a medal of honor for watching my kids AND my friends' kids all day Wednesday and Thursday!!

There were so many generous friends who donated so much to this sale!  There is no way we would have done so well without all of you!  We had a full garage and full driveway with everything from nearly every size of children's clothing, to toys, to maternity clothes, to housewares, to a huge toolbox and fencing!

It was amazing.  

Everything did not sell :( but we are going to pack everything back up and try again for the spring city-wide!  We might have a baby by then (who knows?) but even if we do, we will still be paying for this adoption, so all the funds will still go towards our adoption fund.  

Choosing Joy

This morning started out rough.  Actually, no - it didn't.  It started out great!  Tiny slept all night long, which is pretty rare, so I woke up well rested and ready for the day.

But then I lost track of time, and made an unfortunate discovery.  I had made a mistake a few months ago, that I didn't find out about until this morning and it ended up costing us money.  I really hate it when I make mistakes, especially financial ones.  So to say I was in a sour mood would be true.

We were on our way to Noodle's ballet class this morning and all I could think was "What else could happen today?  This day is just going to stink!"

Then I gently reminded myself to choose joy.  It wasn't an easy choice.  I kept reminding myself of all my failures and ways that I was pretty sure I wouldn't measure up today. But I prayed, I hashed it out with Jesus a bit - not wanting to choose joy, more or less forcing myself into it.

 To be honest, I didn't measure up today, I rarely do.

But I decided that at the end of this day, I would choose joy.  I wouldn't sit around and think about how terrible I did at being a great mom, or how my house doesn't look any better than it did when we started the day (and actually it probably looks worse), or that school wasn't as organized as I thought, or that we ended up eating leftovers instead of making a real dinner.

Truth is, today wasn't a stellar day for me and tomorrow probably won't be either.

But I've got joy.  I see love in my children's faces and I delight in their laughter and voices.  I kept calm when my patience was tested today, I let my daughter throw herself on the piles of laundry on the couch, and tried not to think about what I should really be doing with that laundry...

We did school; with jewels that my daughter wanted to use for a craft.  We'll eat dinner; not what was planned and we will enjoy this evening and enjoy each other.

Some days do not go like you plan them to, but that is okay.  At the end of the day I chose joy.  I messed up.  I made mistakes.

But there is a new day coming and today I'm not going to beat myself up over my shortcomings.

Any of you have days when you have to choose to be joyful?

Comparisons: The Deadly Trap

Have you ever read a story and thought to yourself "Wow.  That is really powerful!  I wish my story was that impressive."

I was just thinking that.  I play the comparison game way too often with myself; looking at other people's stories, lives, or opportunities as ways to make myself feel less.  

I've realized though, that I'm not the only one.  People have compared themselves to me!  And I think, uh... I wish I could be flattered, instead I find that you are sorely mistaken!!

I keep having to remind myself that we are all just humans.  She's human, I'm human, you're human.  And God did not create all humans to have the same stories, they are all different for special reasons and purposes.  Sometimes we choose the path our lives take, sometimes we don't - either way my story is not supposed to look like hers, your story is not supposed to look like mine.

If I keep this perspective in mind, it helps me from playing the comparison game.  It helps me from getting jealous that her story sounds cooler than mine, or more exciting, or like she is a better multi-tasker, or that she is more capable than me.  No, none of those things are true - today she might be cooler than me, but that's because we had a different day.  Tomorrow my day might be more exciting, and for goodness sake, next week her balls in the air might come tumbling down while I'm juggling with ease.  I might have PMS today, and she might be at her peak hormonal performance.

Lysa Turkhurst says in her book Unglued:  "Comparison steals celebration."  She goes on to say "We stop celebrating our own good and have a really hard time celebrating others' good."

What a profound statement and truth.  How often have I done that?  I stop seeing all the good God is doing in and through me and I get angry about all the good God is doing in and through someone else!  That is so backward and contrary to what God has called us as believers to do.

Just some conviction for myself tonight as I jealously began to think that someone else's story might be more powerful than mine.

Happy First Birthday Zemirah!

Can you believe it was 1 year ago today that I gave birth to this little cutie??

Oh my gosh, she's so cute!  I can't get enough!!  

Here she is today, as cute as ever!  I can't believe how quickly this year has flown!

And in case you can't see her gorgeous eyes in that picture, here's another one ~

She is too cute for words!!  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZEMIRAH HOPE!  

You bring us so much joy!

Romans 15:13a

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing..."

We thank God every day for the reminder of his faithfulness and provision through the beautiful little life of Zemirah Hope.  

You can read the story of her beautiful and nearly perfect birth here.  It was a dream birth come true!

Isaiah's Song & Memorial Service

I am a big JJ Heller fan.  I like to sing "When I'm With You" to my girls and "The Boat Song" to my husband.   So it is only fitting that we have a song by JJ Heller for sweet little Isaiah too.

At the end of his memorial service we played "Sunshine" and while the music played my beautiful 5 year old daughter, completely enamored with her tiny baby brother and with a perfect perspective of the wonders of heaven, danced through the whole song. 

 It was perfect.

While this song plays you can scroll through a few of our memorial pictures.  These pictures were taken by two amazing photographers from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  What a beautiful organization, thank you for capturing this day for us.

Isaiah Michael Kellett

May 2, 2013

7:50 am

This was engraved on Isaiah's white keepsake box that we have and also on the inside of the heart shaped box he was buried in.

This box was fitting for our butterfly baby, engraved on the outside was "expect miracles...they happen every day."  It speaks well of the short and miraculous life Isaiah lived.

Isaiah's statue

My girls

You'll see in the next few pictures that Amariss was quite the comforter.  She loved and adored her little brother very much.

My parents

A prouder big sister, I have never met.

Aaron's mom holding Zemirah; our parents did a wonderful job keeping her occupied and taking turns holding her.

We read:

Isaiah 49:14-23

Isaiah 65:17-24

Isaiah 66:7-13

Our final goodbyes

Amariss loves to finish her dances with a big full Mommy hug

*Isaiah was buried near our Bleeding Heart plant.  We found it fitting as it is in full bloom in early May.  We were also gifted with a Japanese Maple from Aaron's mom and a Blue Hydrangea from my parents.  In addition I received a wind chime from a wonderful group of friends and our once empty shade garden is now very full and has come to possess much meaning.* 

The last 6 days....

I can't believe that tomorrow marks 1 week since we lost our sweet Isaiah.  Time has moved slowly and at warp speed at the same time.

1 week ago I got the muffle fixed but it feels like months ago.

1 week ago I bought maternity clothes and a blue whale sweater in anticipation that Tic Tac would be a boy. It feels like just yesterday.

Today was similar to last Wednesday, marked with perfect blue skies and warm sunshine.  Only today I could walk to pick Am up from school, and today my neighbor took my girls to the park with her kids so I could have some time to myself.  Last week we all laughed and played together on a blanket under the big maple tree while our 5 year olds put on a play about kitties again.  We talked about Rat's miscarriage (their cat) and I made a gesture and said "I feel ya sista" as a joke.  Oh how true the next day would make that statement.

Thursday was, well, overwhelming.  In every sense of the word.  I haven't yet decided if I'll post the details of that awful morning, from the early morning cramps to the very end just a few hours later.

We were so blessed to spend 2 1/2 days with our sweet Isaiah, memorizing him, holding him, counting his fingers and toes - loving him just like we would any other baby.  Our time with him was just too short.

A few have asked just how we knew Isaiah was a boy, it was quite obvious when he was born.  Although it wouldn't have been visible by ultrasound, there is no doubt about it.

My parents made a quick trip up - I say quick because they left within 1 hr of my mom getting home from work, but the 11 hour trip was certainly not quick for them.  But they came - and they mourned with us.

We had a beautiful service on Saturday attended by just us and our parents.  It was exactly what we all needed and brought healing full circle.  We called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and were blessed by two wonderful volunteer photographers who came out and took pictures of our memorial service.  They were truly a gift to us as we were able to experience Isaiah's service without thought as to whether or not we would have pictures to remember it by.

My parents had to head back home on Sunday, really - they spent almost more time traveling to get here than they spent here, but I can not thank them enough for making the trip.

These last few days with Aaron back at work have flown.  I don't really know where they've gone.  I know that there are going to be many emotional battles in the days, weeks, and months ahead.

I will begin teaching again this summer, and was hoping to be able to spend an afternoon a week at the pregnancy center.  November will probably be the most difficult, with the elation of Z's birth still pulsing through my veins, my heart will ache on Isaiah's due date more than the others.

I miss him so much already, as I have him pictured as a little boy laughing, running, playing.  I can see him jumping off of furniture with a cape and scaring me with snakes and spiders.

Life is full of crazy ups and downs, twists and turns.  Heartache and joy mingled into one.

Isaiah Michael

I'm sure in the next few days, weeks, and months - as my emotions unravel you will hear much more from me on all of this.  Probably every thought, whim, or idea that could possibly seek to provide answers but of course, answers that will really never come this side of eternity.

So, with a heavy heart -

This morning, at 7:50am, on May 2, 2013, I miscarried our son, Isaiah Michael, at 11 weeks 1 day gestation.    A beautiful little boy, perfectly formed in every way, will be spending the rest of his days with Jesus and several of his siblings.  However, Mommy, Daddy, and big sisters have heavy hearts as we miss our little boy.

Thank you so much for your support, and your prayers over the past few weeks and even as we go through the next few days.

Much love,
Brie

**Stress**

The stress of this pregnancy really weighs on me.  In some ways I want to stay busy and forget about it, but in others I'm afraid being busy will only bring on more cramps and more bleeding.  So, I sit and I wait - and I go to the bathroom - and I sit and wait some more...

I've had a lot more bleeding today and my mind keeps wondering, will it be tonight? this weekend? or will this just drag out for awhile?  will there be a heartbeat at my appointment on Thursday?  if not, then what? if so, do I just continue like this - waiting?

Yesterday was so perfect, hardly any spotting at all, hardly any cramping and today, wham.  If I didn't know better I'd think I'd gotten my period... again.  It's all so un-spectacular.

People keep making comments about the baby's gender, that maybe this one will be a boy.  I keep telling my husband that if this baby comes out in November - I don't care what it is!  I'll just be happy we got to have it!

I'm sure many of you can relate.  I've never enjoyed a first trimester, they were always stressful atleast until 8 weeks, then I would let my guard down and breathe a little easier.  But this one, wow, I've never felt so shaken and unsure.  There is a whole new meaning and level to leaning on God that I am desperately trying to learn.  And oh, it is so very hard.

I keep reminding myself that whatever the outcome of this situation God is still good.

We will survive, God is good.

Baby or no baby, God is good.

God is good.

God is good.

God is good.

TMI post - you've been warned.

I'm about to divulge more information than the average person would like to know - so if you're not interested in hearing about my "flow" or "discharge" please, divert your eyes.

At about 10 1/2 weeks pregnant, and beginning to see my own small version of a pop I am starting to get excited and relieved about little one joining our family in November.  Yesterday was awesome.  Seriously, My husband has been incredibly supportive the last few weeks, encouraging me to take it easy and picking up all the slack around the house.

I had virtually no spotting or cramping yesterday, it was awesome.  However, by the time I went to bed at 10 pm I was bleeding again.  And this continued most of the night, as I saw every time I was up to use the restroom.

I had horrible dreams all night about miscarriage, c-section, a hysterectomy.  Oy, my brain was really running wild with it.  And today, my family has ventured to Peoria to visit a family member.  I have decided to stay home and really take some R&R and hopefully coax my uterus into being finished bleeding.  1 1/2 weeks until 2nd trimester.  I've been hearing a lot that bleeding is common and if baby is fine, often a sign of no problem whatsoever.  I'm banking on that, but not taking any chances at the moment.

A whole lot of everyone

I've been spending a lot of time in the lab getting my blood drawn lately.  They're running hormone blood work on me.  As I sit there (for what seems forever) I see lots of people come and go. 

There is the man in the Chicago Bears sweatshirt (Go Bears! - I almost told him that too), the older lady; dressed well, the husband and wife couple that didn't sit next to each other (and I was in the middle), the little boy and his mom, a young handicapped girl; younger than Am with her mom and grandmother, the lady with a learning disability who was worried about her doctor's appt at 2:30, the woman hoping to retrieve her husband's x-rays. 

And we all sat, and we all waited. 

All of us waiting for different things. 

Why were we there?  Was it a life or death result?  Was anyone praying for good news? 

As we waited Am sang her favorite song from Tangled, her new favorite movie.  Some people smiled at her, some look at me like I was crazy, most just ignored her.  I thought she was adorable. 

It hit me again, as it often does, that we all are living this world with something. 

Why did the Chicago Bears man need his lab work?  Why was the handicapped woman so worried about her appointment?  Is the little boy healthy? the little girl?  What about the woman all dressed up?  Was she dressed up to make her feel better, because inside she feels so sick?

I've heard so many stories this week of life and death.  Good news, bad news.  A sick mom, a baby lost, a baby gained.  We are all here, and God is working in the midst of it all. 

Mark 2:17 "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." 

And here we all are, in great need of the great physician.

The aftermath - July 14, 2011

For those of you who have wondered why I kept this to myself and didn't tell many people about my pregnancy, here it is.  Sometimes its nice to pretend that everything is perfect in my world, even when I know its not. 

The Aftermath :

It’s way too late.  I spent an hour (or more, I lost track of time) reading nothing on facebook, wondering how in the world other mothers have the time and abilities to accomplish all that they do. 

Exhaustion and frustration are not becoming of me. 

I keep wondering when I can post the story of the past week on my blog, but then I wonder how, so that it makes sense, and why.  My blog is about the delicate balance I walk in life; living my own personal struggle with infertility and miscarriage while working as a birth educator and now doula. 

And here it is, where the rubber meets the road.  Here is where you see it all, the dirt, the part that has always made you wonder how I do what I do. 

So, this crazy last week – I have to post it.  Even though I’m afraid of the comments.  It’s not sympathy I seek.  No, that’s not really me.  No, infact, I wish to handle this privately.  But somehow out there I thought it might be nice if people who ask me all the time “how do I handle my friend’s miscarriage?”  would have a place where they can hear the feelings of one who has been there. 

Not so that tomorrow you can give me an encouraging hug, or one of those looks that says “I’m sad for you”.  But so that someday when you’re faced with something you don’t really understand – you can let your friend know that it’s okay that they don’t know what they need from you, but yet they know that they need you.  And that’s all there is to it.

So, one of these days, I’ll post the story.  All of it – the blog posts, the journal entries, the prayers. 

But today, it’s still private.  I like it that way.

7/14/11 

Blog posts - from pregnancy (July 2011)

This post may seem out of order, as it is.  But I wrote this the day I found out I was pregnant with Bunnin.  Since losing that baby I'm finally ready to put things out there - so here it is:  (I hate to have to say this, but just a reminder, I did miscarry this baby so please, no congratulations)

Blog Post 7/7/11 – 4 wks pregnant

I want to post on my blog, but all that’s on my mind concerning our fertility is our latest blessing.  And as excited as I am about finally and surprisingly achieving pregnancy, I’m not quite ready to share our joy with everyone.  Mostly because I am unable at this time to match their level of excitement. 

I am excited, oh yes, but not jump up and down, shout for joy, let’s tell everyone, excited.  I will be, give me a few weeks and a few more days of morning sickness and let these abdominal pains slow down and then you can bet I’ll be jumping, screaming, beaming with joy.  So until that day comes, I’m keeping my news between some family and a few close friends. 

But here I am… 

Yesterday morning I took that pregnancy test.  I’d had a few symptoms here and there while on our vacation but didn’t want to look dumb when I wasn’t pregnant (again) so I kept that to myself… for the first time EVER.    I took the test and it was a very (and I mean, VERY) faint positive… so I took another one and it looked the same.  Different brand though.  A faint positive is a positive though, and I called my dr’s office.   I had blood drawn to check my HcG and progesterone levels.  I’ll find out those results tomorrow when I go in to get my first progesterone injection.   The injection makes me nervous – sounds a little more painful than swallowing pills with morning sickness (which wasn’t fun)…  and the side effects are about the same.  I can handle shots but I’m not sure if getting them 3 times a week will make me hate them or become ambivalent towards them.  I’m pulling for ambivalent. 

I feel… well…  not much of anything.  Physically I sometimes feel pregnant, sometimes not.  But emotionally I don’t feel anything except relief every time I go to the bathroom and I haven’t started spotting.  I don’t really like people that do know about the pregnancy asking me questions about it, because it’s always on my mind – but I don’t really want to talk about it.  I don’t really want to hear congratulations yet, I’m not that excited (yet). 

I wish that when my babies grew up I could say that I was so thrilled to find out they were coming the moment I took the test.  But even with Am, I can’t say it.  I cried when I found out Am was coming, so great was my fear over losing another baby.  This time, it’s just another thing on my mind for a few weeks – until it’s more real and likely to stay.  I wish I still had the emotion that I had with Baby K and even Tiny.  But after those two, excitement was kind of lost on me.

So, I’ll make it through today.  And we’ll see what tomorrow brings.  This weekend looks to be really busy; visiting good friends that are moving far away, a prenatal visit with a doula client, and family coming into town.  I’m not sure how it will go.  I’m hoping I still manage to take it easy despite the demands. 

I’m especially blessed to know that every person I’ve told is praying for a healthy baby, as am I.  I am blessed to have prayer warrior friends.  Thank you, Lord. 

A Much Needed and Enjoyed Vacation

My husband and I celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary back in June, but June was packed full of things to do - so we decided to take our trip in August.  This past weekend was the time and I have to say it did not in anyway dissapoint!

I was looking forward to this trip for weeks! (maybe months) - and the whole week before I was willing to do almost anything because I was going to Wisconsin Dells that weekend! 

There was so much to do and we had so much fun!  We laughed and smiled and enjoyed each others company so much.  I haven't worn such a big smile in a very long time!  We spent Friday at Mt. Olympus, which was very fun, Saturday was cold and rainy so we went horseback riding and rode the Ducks (the amphibious adventure...drives on land and in water) and walked around down town after a nice dinner at Cavarelli's.  And Sunday was the big part of the trip, Noah's Ark!  I LOVE water and water parks and Noah's Ark was everything a huge waterpark should be!  Although, after a cold, rainy weekend it was pretty packed on Sunday and most of the newer rides had lines from 45min - 1 1/2 hrs long.  Needless to say we did not go on Scorpion's Tail or Black Anaconda (they had the longest lines).  Aaron's favorite ride was Time Warp, and I agree it was really fun - but I'm suffering from a real case of whiplash from that one.  My favorite was Sting Ray, which was nearly the same amount of adrenaline... without the whiplash.  We finished our trip with dinner at Mexicali Rose on the river and a stop at a cheese shop to stock up on delicious Wisconsin cheese.  Here are a few pictures from our trip. 

Loving and Living

I'm just gonna be really real here.  If you haven't noticed yet, the past few weeks have been hard.  I'm usually a joyful and upbeat person and on the outside I mostly have been still... but on the inside I was living a little on the self pity side. 

I really hate pity.  I hate pitying people because I don't want to be pitied.  Thus, I hate it when people pity me.  And when I pity myself, I really hate it.

So, pity has turned to guilt, to frustration, to anger...etc. etc. etc.

Which brings me to here, now, tonight.  As a youth sponsor in our youth group I have the great privilege of being privy to sermons meant for the teenagers.  And as a youth sponsor for 6 yrs now, I would have to say that every Wed. night something speaks directly to me.  And tonight was no different.

For goodness sakes, I'm bad at repeating things I've heard.  But the gist of tonight's message was what will be said about you when you're gone.  Essentially, Am I living the life that God would want me to live?

And all I can think is that these past few weeks I have been so absorbed into myself that I haven't even been loving God. 

So tonight kicks off my mission to love God and in doing that learning to love others, because you can't love God without loving others.  That's the whole of who God is; Love. 

So here is how I loved today: 
After service I bought a candy bar.  My husband asked me for a bite and I gave him... the look.  Then he said "you're supposed to say 'sure honey, I love you".  And my head said "Love!"  So I offered him the whole candy bar, joyfully for real - with a smile on my face.  (thankfully, my extra loving husband only took 1 bite, but I still offered and would not have been upset had he accepted).

I know that that is really small, and really dumb.  But my love meter has been so low...so very low... that I haven't been showing love to anybody.  And that's pathetic. 

John 3:16 (Amplified)
⁶For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten (^[a]unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life.

Now that's something worth living for, someone who would give up his only son so that we could have life forever with him in heaven.