Comparisons: The Deadly Trap

Have you ever read a story and thought to yourself "Wow.  That is really powerful!  I wish my story was that impressive."

I was just thinking that.  I play the comparison game way too often with myself; looking at other people's stories, lives, or opportunities as ways to make myself feel less.  

I've realized though, that I'm not the only one.  People have compared themselves to me!  And I think, uh... I wish I could be flattered, instead I find that you are sorely mistaken!!

I keep having to remind myself that we are all just humans.  She's human, I'm human, you're human.  And God did not create all humans to have the same stories, they are all different for special reasons and purposes.  Sometimes we choose the path our lives take, sometimes we don't - either way my story is not supposed to look like hers, your story is not supposed to look like mine.

If I keep this perspective in mind, it helps me from playing the comparison game.  It helps me from getting jealous that her story sounds cooler than mine, or more exciting, or like she is a better multi-tasker, or that she is more capable than me.  No, none of those things are true - today she might be cooler than me, but that's because we had a different day.  Tomorrow my day might be more exciting, and for goodness sake, next week her balls in the air might come tumbling down while I'm juggling with ease.  I might have PMS today, and she might be at her peak hormonal performance.

Lysa Turkhurst says in her book Unglued:  "Comparison steals celebration."  She goes on to say "We stop celebrating our own good and have a really hard time celebrating others' good."

What a profound statement and truth.  How often have I done that?  I stop seeing all the good God is doing in and through me and I get angry about all the good God is doing in and through someone else!  That is so backward and contrary to what God has called us as believers to do.

Just some conviction for myself tonight as I jealously began to think that someone else's story might be more powerful than mine.

**Stress**

The stress of this pregnancy really weighs on me.  In some ways I want to stay busy and forget about it, but in others I'm afraid being busy will only bring on more cramps and more bleeding.  So, I sit and I wait - and I go to the bathroom - and I sit and wait some more...

I've had a lot more bleeding today and my mind keeps wondering, will it be tonight? this weekend? or will this just drag out for awhile?  will there be a heartbeat at my appointment on Thursday?  if not, then what? if so, do I just continue like this - waiting?

Yesterday was so perfect, hardly any spotting at all, hardly any cramping and today, wham.  If I didn't know better I'd think I'd gotten my period... again.  It's all so un-spectacular.

People keep making comments about the baby's gender, that maybe this one will be a boy.  I keep telling my husband that if this baby comes out in November - I don't care what it is!  I'll just be happy we got to have it!

I'm sure many of you can relate.  I've never enjoyed a first trimester, they were always stressful atleast until 8 weeks, then I would let my guard down and breathe a little easier.  But this one, wow, I've never felt so shaken and unsure.  There is a whole new meaning and level to leaning on God that I am desperately trying to learn.  And oh, it is so very hard.

I keep reminding myself that whatever the outcome of this situation God is still good.

We will survive, God is good.

Baby or no baby, God is good.

God is good.

God is good.

God is good.

TMI post - you've been warned.

I'm about to divulge more information than the average person would like to know - so if you're not interested in hearing about my "flow" or "discharge" please, divert your eyes.

At about 10 1/2 weeks pregnant, and beginning to see my own small version of a pop I am starting to get excited and relieved about little one joining our family in November.  Yesterday was awesome.  Seriously, My husband has been incredibly supportive the last few weeks, encouraging me to take it easy and picking up all the slack around the house.

I had virtually no spotting or cramping yesterday, it was awesome.  However, by the time I went to bed at 10 pm I was bleeding again.  And this continued most of the night, as I saw every time I was up to use the restroom.

I had horrible dreams all night about miscarriage, c-section, a hysterectomy.  Oy, my brain was really running wild with it.  And today, my family has ventured to Peoria to visit a family member.  I have decided to stay home and really take some R&R and hopefully coax my uterus into being finished bleeding.  1 1/2 weeks until 2nd trimester.  I've been hearing a lot that bleeding is common and if baby is fine, often a sign of no problem whatsoever.  I'm banking on that, but not taking any chances at the moment.

In between the lines

I'm in a very strange place right now.  I live in a constant inner struggle between excitement and panic.  Logic over rules emotion at some moments and at others emotion wins over logic.  I can't wait for the day when logic and emotion are in sync with each other - barring that the emotion and logic are good and not disastrous.  I start to feel joy and happiness and then another memory or story triggers the fear that can cripple a person and tie them to the couch for weeks at a time.

My only solace is know that at the end of this I will have survived, however, knowing how I've survived is still questionable.  Will it be tears of joy, elated at the miracle unfolding before me - or tears of anguish that my heart has been shattered yet again and another precious angel joins his siblings in heaven?

There is truly no way of knowing at this point how this will turn out, and I never ever thought that this far into a pregnancy I would still have so much confusion.  Nearly 10 weeks along, but still bleeding, still cramping.  However, the ultrasound shows a healthy baby, growing perfectly happily bouncing around in there.  And now I know, it really is me.  All these years, and all these miscarriages I've wondered if maybe it was something genetic.  That maybe my two little girls are truly miracles of genetics lining up perfectly because there was something faulty with the connection.  But no, we have a perfect baby growing in there, nothing wrong with the connection.  The bleeding is me, but there is really no explanation, no reason, and possibly no problem.  There is just no way of knowing right now.

I laid down and took a nap with my sweet Z this morning.  She is 11 months old and cutting some teeth, which has induced a snoodly nose.  I listened to her heavy breathing, traced her perfect face and for awhile stared into her beautiful blue eyes.  If you've met my girls you can see that even though they're 4 1/2 years apart they look nearly identical.  And from our ultrasound we can already see that little Tic Tac carries the same profile and face shape of his/her big sisters.

So you see, if I lose this one it will be different from all the others.

It won't be just bleeding; I will see the baby.

I will hold our baby.

I will kiss our baby.

And oh my heart, I don't know if I can take that.

For now, we continue to wait and oh, how I pray this story has a happy ending.  How every moment of every day my hand is over my womb, praying for a safe environment.  How just a few weeks ago I had normal perfect pregnancy discharge and now I'm thankful for the moments when it is just light spotting.  The bleeding comes in the evening and early morning.  The cramping hangs around on and off all day.  Yesterday's bleeding was lighter than the day before, I hope today's follows the same pattern.  And oh, how I pray that two and three weeks from now I'm joyfully updating my facebook cover photo with a cute announcement that baby #3 is on the way!

 It's so hard not to be envious of those who post those pregnancy announcements early on, knowing their world has never been tainted with the difficult feeling of loss.  

** Please if you do read this, I have not made this pregnancy public.  Please do not share this information with anyone or mention it on facebook or in person at church etc.  Thank you very much!!