Blog posts - from pregnancy (July 2011)

This post may seem out of order, as it is.  But I wrote this the day I found out I was pregnant with Bunnin.  Since losing that baby I'm finally ready to put things out there - so here it is:  (I hate to have to say this, but just a reminder, I did miscarry this baby so please, no congratulations)

Blog Post 7/7/11 – 4 wks pregnant

I want to post on my blog, but all that’s on my mind concerning our fertility is our latest blessing.  And as excited as I am about finally and surprisingly achieving pregnancy, I’m not quite ready to share our joy with everyone.  Mostly because I am unable at this time to match their level of excitement. 

I am excited, oh yes, but not jump up and down, shout for joy, let’s tell everyone, excited.  I will be, give me a few weeks and a few more days of morning sickness and let these abdominal pains slow down and then you can bet I’ll be jumping, screaming, beaming with joy.  So until that day comes, I’m keeping my news between some family and a few close friends. 

But here I am… 

Yesterday morning I took that pregnancy test.  I’d had a few symptoms here and there while on our vacation but didn’t want to look dumb when I wasn’t pregnant (again) so I kept that to myself… for the first time EVER.    I took the test and it was a very (and I mean, VERY) faint positive… so I took another one and it looked the same.  Different brand though.  A faint positive is a positive though, and I called my dr’s office.   I had blood drawn to check my HcG and progesterone levels.  I’ll find out those results tomorrow when I go in to get my first progesterone injection.   The injection makes me nervous – sounds a little more painful than swallowing pills with morning sickness (which wasn’t fun)…  and the side effects are about the same.  I can handle shots but I’m not sure if getting them 3 times a week will make me hate them or become ambivalent towards them.  I’m pulling for ambivalent. 

I feel… well…  not much of anything.  Physically I sometimes feel pregnant, sometimes not.  But emotionally I don’t feel anything except relief every time I go to the bathroom and I haven’t started spotting.  I don’t really like people that do know about the pregnancy asking me questions about it, because it’s always on my mind – but I don’t really want to talk about it.  I don’t really want to hear congratulations yet, I’m not that excited (yet). 

I wish that when my babies grew up I could say that I was so thrilled to find out they were coming the moment I took the test.  But even with Am, I can’t say it.  I cried when I found out Am was coming, so great was my fear over losing another baby.  This time, it’s just another thing on my mind for a few weeks – until it’s more real and likely to stay.  I wish I still had the emotion that I had with Baby K and even Tiny.  But after those two, excitement was kind of lost on me.

So, I’ll make it through today.  And we’ll see what tomorrow brings.  This weekend looks to be really busy; visiting good friends that are moving far away, a prenatal visit with a doula client, and family coming into town.  I’m not sure how it will go.  I’m hoping I still manage to take it easy despite the demands. 

I’m especially blessed to know that every person I’ve told is praying for a healthy baby, as am I.  I am blessed to have prayer warrior friends.  Thank you, Lord.