Adoption Journey: Our trip to China Part 1

We have been home from China for 3 days now and yesterday marked two weeks as a family of five.  There is so much I could write and say, there is so much beautiful and so much perfection and yet his little life is so fragile. 

I've always known from living in the world of infertility and pregnancy loss that suggesting an infertile "just adopt" was about the most taboo thing you could say.  And I respected it, I honored it, even if at the time I didn't quite understand it. 

This past year has been an incredible journey for us full of ups and downs, twists and turns.  There have been moments of anxiety and fear, and moments of joy and hope and purpose.  We read books and watched what felt like endless hours of videos all in preparation of the great unknown of bringing a wounded child into our family.  We prepared ourselves because we knew his heart had been hurt but to what degree we may never know.  The hurts that have filled his tiny life he might not even understand, and if he does he might not ever know how to express.

On the other side of the coin, we entered into this process with excitement and anticipation, but also with trepidation knowing that the journey God was calling us into would be wonderful but difficult.  There would be tears of joy, but many tears of sadness as we try desperately to navigate our little one through a world that to this point has caused him much pain.

Even up to our leaving for China it felt completely surreal.  I would sit and wonder if this was really happening.  As we packed bags, bought gifts, confirmed our flights, prepared and prepared and prepared - I wondered the whole time, were we really about to become parents again?

The night before we were set to leave, at 8 pm - when we were scheduled to fly out at 5:45 the following morning, my phone lit up with a text from our airline that our flight had been cancelled.  They had immediately put us on a different flight to Chicago, effectively missing our flight to Beijing by 1 hour.  We spent the next hour frantically coming up with a plan B, and at 7am the next morning we packed up our minivan and drove to Chicago to catch our flight to Beijing... because living in a small community means cancelling flights just because.

The first 10 months of our journey were easy - difficult because of lots of paperwork, but everything always fit right into place.  The last 5 months were frustrating when there was delay after delay in our travel to meet our son.  Even up to the very last night.

Our flight to China was incredibly easy.  Am had a child's meal which meant her food was infinitely better than the rest of ours and she raved about how nice the flight staff was.  And they really were, so she was right on there.  All the way to China it felt like a dream... felt like I was sitting in a car for 13 hours to go on a dream vacation.  Being in Beijing felt like visiting a big city and us and several other families kept commenting, even as we stood on the Great Wall of China that it didn't feel like we were in China.  It felt like we were on a really awesome vacation. 

I think that going to Beijing for the first 3 days of our adoption trip was one of the best decisions we could have made.  They keep you so ridiculously busy that there is no way you have a chance to stop and realize just how jetlagged you are.  You just run on adrenaline as you are shown the great history and culture of your child's birth country.  The people of China are so nice and the beauty of the country really overwhelmed me.  It saddened me to see a people and culture so beautiful, a family structure deep and strong, but yet know how unfree they are.  In the few people we talked to who spoke English that was there comment.  They liked the freedoms of America but they loved their country.  And to be honest, in a way, we fell in love with their country as well.

Throughout our time in Beijing I constantly wondered if we were really on this trip to bring home our son or if this was all just a ruse.  What if there had been a mistake and we really didn't have a child waiting for us?  What if they brought us the wrong one?  What if all of this was not the end of this journey and we went home empty handed? 

Flying to our son's city was quite possibly the best feeling ever.  Taking pictures of our first glimpse of Nanjing and knowing that within 24 hours he would be in our arms forever - that was amazing. 

The story could continue on forever, and I will finish this another day - but here we are at the climax of our story.  The next steps start our newest journey, marking our first few days with our beautiful baby.

Having been home 3 days now and feeling the effects of jetlag worse than ever, my heart is stuck in melancholy.  It is frustrating to say the least to be navigating these new challenges with exhaustion as my constant companion.  All I want is to spend every waking moment fostering attachment with my new son, but I have to be patient and wait.  I have to understand that his hesitation towards me, isn't me at all -  it is a history of hurts that I will never fully understand. 

I know now that suggesting that a childless family adopt is not appropriate because adoption is a calling, but I also now understand that adoption has always been a part of my calling.  We will press on, treasure on, live on, seek on - desperate to secure in our little one a foundation of love, truth, and hope so that his future might be bright and his heart full. 

Isaiah, we remember you.

It's hard to believe where we were just a year ago.  The weather was certainly nicer than it has been, but the weather isn't really what's on my mind.  It was a year ago that I woke up early in the morning to cramping in a regular pattern.  The cramps became more and more intense: paralyzed by pain, my mind couldn't comprehend what was really happening, while my husband prayed for a miracle.

Isaiah, we met you too soon.  You're not just a number in a line-up of recurrent miscarriages for us.  You're a God-given reminder of life given and life taken away.  You put life to the lives of those like you that have been lost.  You put a face and a name to children whose faces and names have not yet been seen or heard.

We have survived, although I wasn't sure I could.  We have recovered, but will never forget.

As we move on to the next phase and stage of our lives, we see reminders of you everywhere we go.  Spring brings blossoms of bleeding hearts just over where your body rests.  A small statue will be placed outside soon, to mark where we laid our eyes upon you one last time.  Oh little boy, you were wanted.  You were cherished.  We live full, happy lives here, but yearn for the days when we are a complete family; when in heaven there are no more tears, no more sadness; where we see all of our children, completely whole.

It is hard to believe, with where we are now, that it has only been one year since we felt so much pain.  It was so difficult for me to imagine being the same again.  It was difficult for me to imagine not saying your name every day.  Darling, I still think of you, nearly every day.  I still miss you, nearly every day.  My days and life are full, but you are still missing.

I am happy, I am joyful, but I will never not miss having you in my life.

11 weeks gestation

**Stress**

The stress of this pregnancy really weighs on me.  In some ways I want to stay busy and forget about it, but in others I'm afraid being busy will only bring on more cramps and more bleeding.  So, I sit and I wait - and I go to the bathroom - and I sit and wait some more...

I've had a lot more bleeding today and my mind keeps wondering, will it be tonight? this weekend? or will this just drag out for awhile?  will there be a heartbeat at my appointment on Thursday?  if not, then what? if so, do I just continue like this - waiting?

Yesterday was so perfect, hardly any spotting at all, hardly any cramping and today, wham.  If I didn't know better I'd think I'd gotten my period... again.  It's all so un-spectacular.

People keep making comments about the baby's gender, that maybe this one will be a boy.  I keep telling my husband that if this baby comes out in November - I don't care what it is!  I'll just be happy we got to have it!

I'm sure many of you can relate.  I've never enjoyed a first trimester, they were always stressful atleast until 8 weeks, then I would let my guard down and breathe a little easier.  But this one, wow, I've never felt so shaken and unsure.  There is a whole new meaning and level to leaning on God that I am desperately trying to learn.  And oh, it is so very hard.

I keep reminding myself that whatever the outcome of this situation God is still good.

We will survive, God is good.

Baby or no baby, God is good.

God is good.

God is good.

God is good.

TMI post - you've been warned.

I'm about to divulge more information than the average person would like to know - so if you're not interested in hearing about my "flow" or "discharge" please, divert your eyes.

At about 10 1/2 weeks pregnant, and beginning to see my own small version of a pop I am starting to get excited and relieved about little one joining our family in November.  Yesterday was awesome.  Seriously, My husband has been incredibly supportive the last few weeks, encouraging me to take it easy and picking up all the slack around the house.

I had virtually no spotting or cramping yesterday, it was awesome.  However, by the time I went to bed at 10 pm I was bleeding again.  And this continued most of the night, as I saw every time I was up to use the restroom.

I had horrible dreams all night about miscarriage, c-section, a hysterectomy.  Oy, my brain was really running wild with it.  And today, my family has ventured to Peoria to visit a family member.  I have decided to stay home and really take some R&R and hopefully coax my uterus into being finished bleeding.  1 1/2 weeks until 2nd trimester.  I've been hearing a lot that bleeding is common and if baby is fine, often a sign of no problem whatsoever.  I'm banking on that, but not taking any chances at the moment.

In between the lines

I'm in a very strange place right now.  I live in a constant inner struggle between excitement and panic.  Logic over rules emotion at some moments and at others emotion wins over logic.  I can't wait for the day when logic and emotion are in sync with each other - barring that the emotion and logic are good and not disastrous.  I start to feel joy and happiness and then another memory or story triggers the fear that can cripple a person and tie them to the couch for weeks at a time.

My only solace is know that at the end of this I will have survived, however, knowing how I've survived is still questionable.  Will it be tears of joy, elated at the miracle unfolding before me - or tears of anguish that my heart has been shattered yet again and another precious angel joins his siblings in heaven?

There is truly no way of knowing at this point how this will turn out, and I never ever thought that this far into a pregnancy I would still have so much confusion.  Nearly 10 weeks along, but still bleeding, still cramping.  However, the ultrasound shows a healthy baby, growing perfectly happily bouncing around in there.  And now I know, it really is me.  All these years, and all these miscarriages I've wondered if maybe it was something genetic.  That maybe my two little girls are truly miracles of genetics lining up perfectly because there was something faulty with the connection.  But no, we have a perfect baby growing in there, nothing wrong with the connection.  The bleeding is me, but there is really no explanation, no reason, and possibly no problem.  There is just no way of knowing right now.

I laid down and took a nap with my sweet Z this morning.  She is 11 months old and cutting some teeth, which has induced a snoodly nose.  I listened to her heavy breathing, traced her perfect face and for awhile stared into her beautiful blue eyes.  If you've met my girls you can see that even though they're 4 1/2 years apart they look nearly identical.  And from our ultrasound we can already see that little Tic Tac carries the same profile and face shape of his/her big sisters.

So you see, if I lose this one it will be different from all the others.

It won't be just bleeding; I will see the baby.

I will hold our baby.

I will kiss our baby.

And oh my heart, I don't know if I can take that.

For now, we continue to wait and oh, how I pray this story has a happy ending.  How every moment of every day my hand is over my womb, praying for a safe environment.  How just a few weeks ago I had normal perfect pregnancy discharge and now I'm thankful for the moments when it is just light spotting.  The bleeding comes in the evening and early morning.  The cramping hangs around on and off all day.  Yesterday's bleeding was lighter than the day before, I hope today's follows the same pattern.  And oh, how I pray that two and three weeks from now I'm joyfully updating my facebook cover photo with a cute announcement that baby #3 is on the way!

 It's so hard not to be envious of those who post those pregnancy announcements early on, knowing their world has never been tainted with the difficult feeling of loss.  

** Please if you do read this, I have not made this pregnancy public.  Please do not share this information with anyone or mention it on facebook or in person at church etc.  Thank you very much!!