Remembering

July is when Aaron and I remember four anniversaries of miscarriages from the past 8 years.  Half of our miscarriages have occurred in July, it has no longer become dates for us, but throughout the whole month it rests in the back of our minds.  Our first miscarriage occurred on July 20, 2006.

I know I've written often about our miscarriages and our anniversaries.  We are now 8 months from our last miscarriage, so for us it feels strange.  8 months doesn't seem like long, but when you are back to back miscarriage to pregnancy - infertility to miscarriage - pregnancy to miscarriage - adoption to pregnancy - miscarriage to adoption, you feel like you're on a roller coaster.

Right now we are in the early stages of our adoption.  It feels a lot like being at the end of your first trimester, you are finally ready to accept this pregnancy and believe this baby is really going to come home.  You still have a long way to go, your ultrasound is still months away, but you are excited.  Meeting your baby someday seems real.

So to be remembering these anniversaries while being in a strange state of "pregnancy" leaves me feeling surreal about them all.  Like I can look back and say, "Wow, God - look what you did and look where you are taking us!"

I love this song by Matt Redman:

Never Once

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

The words echo exactly what my heart feels, like we are standing on a mountaintop, looking back on all that we went through or that we're kneeling on the battleground, remembering the war that was fought and all that our hearts experienced.  I feel like we can look at our hearts and see our own scars and our muscles bear the strength of the struggle. But through it all - and I've always said this - never once did we not feel God's love, his faithfulness, his strength carrying us through it all.

I remember pregnant with Zemirah, just weeks after our 6th miscarriage, reading and owning 

2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself."  

I felt so faithless, I had no confidence that that pregnancy would bring me a baby in my arms.  I knew God was good, I knew he was faithful and I knew that when I went through another miscarriage I would survive.  I am thankful that God had different plans for the little life growing inside of me.  

This July we remember the lives of our little ones in heaven.  Amariss speaks often and openly about her brothers and sisters in heaven.  Their lives hold value to her and to us.  They are a part of our family and someday we will meet them, hold them, and pour on them all the love we have missed.  

I am so thankful that this July we celebrate all of our children;

Baby K, Tiny, Itty Bitty, Amariss, Cinco, Woven, Bunnin, Zemirah, Isaiah, Little One, and our soon to be Baby Boy.  

Amariss found and loved on a baby blue jay yesterday.

Zemirah danced and praised Jesus with me this morning.

Isaiah Michael

I'm sure in the next few days, weeks, and months - as my emotions unravel you will hear much more from me on all of this.  Probably every thought, whim, or idea that could possibly seek to provide answers but of course, answers that will really never come this side of eternity.

So, with a heavy heart -

This morning, at 7:50am, on May 2, 2013, I miscarried our son, Isaiah Michael, at 11 weeks 1 day gestation.    A beautiful little boy, perfectly formed in every way, will be spending the rest of his days with Jesus and several of his siblings.  However, Mommy, Daddy, and big sisters have heavy hearts as we miss our little boy.

Thank you so much for your support, and your prayers over the past few weeks and even as we go through the next few days.

Much love,
Brie

**Stress**

The stress of this pregnancy really weighs on me.  In some ways I want to stay busy and forget about it, but in others I'm afraid being busy will only bring on more cramps and more bleeding.  So, I sit and I wait - and I go to the bathroom - and I sit and wait some more...

I've had a lot more bleeding today and my mind keeps wondering, will it be tonight? this weekend? or will this just drag out for awhile?  will there be a heartbeat at my appointment on Thursday?  if not, then what? if so, do I just continue like this - waiting?

Yesterday was so perfect, hardly any spotting at all, hardly any cramping and today, wham.  If I didn't know better I'd think I'd gotten my period... again.  It's all so un-spectacular.

People keep making comments about the baby's gender, that maybe this one will be a boy.  I keep telling my husband that if this baby comes out in November - I don't care what it is!  I'll just be happy we got to have it!

I'm sure many of you can relate.  I've never enjoyed a first trimester, they were always stressful atleast until 8 weeks, then I would let my guard down and breathe a little easier.  But this one, wow, I've never felt so shaken and unsure.  There is a whole new meaning and level to leaning on God that I am desperately trying to learn.  And oh, it is so very hard.

I keep reminding myself that whatever the outcome of this situation God is still good.

We will survive, God is good.

Baby or no baby, God is good.

God is good.

God is good.

God is good.

TMI post - you've been warned.

I'm about to divulge more information than the average person would like to know - so if you're not interested in hearing about my "flow" or "discharge" please, divert your eyes.

At about 10 1/2 weeks pregnant, and beginning to see my own small version of a pop I am starting to get excited and relieved about little one joining our family in November.  Yesterday was awesome.  Seriously, My husband has been incredibly supportive the last few weeks, encouraging me to take it easy and picking up all the slack around the house.

I had virtually no spotting or cramping yesterday, it was awesome.  However, by the time I went to bed at 10 pm I was bleeding again.  And this continued most of the night, as I saw every time I was up to use the restroom.

I had horrible dreams all night about miscarriage, c-section, a hysterectomy.  Oy, my brain was really running wild with it.  And today, my family has ventured to Peoria to visit a family member.  I have decided to stay home and really take some R&R and hopefully coax my uterus into being finished bleeding.  1 1/2 weeks until 2nd trimester.  I've been hearing a lot that bleeding is common and if baby is fine, often a sign of no problem whatsoever.  I'm banking on that, but not taking any chances at the moment.

PAIL Blogroll

You may have noticed a new addition to my blog - An adorable little linky over in the sidebar to the PAIL Blogroll. 

What is this Blogroll and what does it mean you ask?  Good question! 
PAIL stands for Pregnancy/Parenting After Infertility and Loss, and a blogroll is a list of LOTS of us who are all in very similar situations. 

The whole reason I started writing The Delicate Balance was because I found myself caught between two worlds - the fertile world, becuase of my daughter, and the infertile world because of our losses and secondary infertility.  If you'd like to read my very first post you can find it here.

This world has gotten a little more muddied in the past 6 months when we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant 6 weeks after our 6th loss. 

This pregnancy has been interesting as I wonder where I stand with my TTC friends, but yet my heart still aches, yearns for, and desires their companionship because believe it or not - this journey never ends, I still miss my babies. 

I don't know what will happen after baby #2 is delivered.  I don't know if we will once again enter into the TTC world or if our hearts have been so damaged we'll be looking elsewhere to expand our family.  We just don't know. 

But for now - we enjoy our 4 yr old, and all her joy, and we look forward to the arrival of our 2nd miracle, even when it still seems so unreal. 

Please check out the PAIL Blogroll and find other people just like us who find ourselves navigating this oh so confusing road.

27 weeks....

Today marks 27 weeks into my pregnancy. 

More importantly, today marks 1 week shy of entering my 3rd trimester!  (can you sense the excitement?)  feel it baby, its real.

I've had so many different and conflicting emotions during this pregnancy.  It's like I'm in a constant battle with myself to enjoy and feel, and hurry through to see my prize.  I want to enjoy what may be my last pregnancy, but after all we've been through - I care much less about the pregnancy and much much more about the baby.

To help me put some things into perspective let me share my disappointments and excitements:

Disppointments

1) I remember pregnancy being way more awesome than this.  I remember it as this magical time in my life with Amariss, where we would just rest and get to know each other, and I didn't have many cares in the world.  I didn't know the reality of babies dying before they should (other than my previous miscarriages).  I didn't understand the truth of the NICU.  I didn't understand the importance of nutrition and exercise, so I ate whatever I wanted.  Now I've heard countless stories of babies dying in the womb, have friends and clients who have lived through the NICU, and struggle daily to make sure I'm putting the right nutrition into my body to feed my growing baby. 

2) I wanted to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, but all I really want now is to hit 37 weeks so I know that if she's born, she'll be safe.  I work with pregnant women, when I'm working, and around 32-33 weeks they get really complainy.  Suddenly, they just want this baby out!  And that's all they talk about.  They talk about feeling sick and tired all through the first trimester, then complain about something else through the second, and finally by the time they reach the third the only thing they feel for pregnancy is I'M DONE!  I never wanted to feel that way.  I longed for a pregnancy for so long that I wanted to treasure every single awful moment and bask in the glory of the good moments.  But now it seems my days are filled with worry and anxiety.  Did she move enough today?  Am I cramping or stretching?  was that another Braxton-Hicks?  How many have I had today?  Why do I feel light headed?  Is it my blood pressure?  Is it my blood sugar?  and the what-ifs keep coming.  And here I am, ready to be done with the what-ifs.  Just ready to enjoy pregnancy, being pregnant, and joyfully (yes, joyfully) anticipating labor and delivery of a beautiful baby girl. 

Excitements

1) I'm learning to trust God more than I ever have before. All those questions mentioned above - they send my anxiety levels sky high, and once again I have to ground myself.  Shortly after I announced my pregnancy I had a conversation with the director at our pregnancy center.  It went something like this:
Me: I just want to be done and have a healthy baby!  There's too much stuff to be worried about during pregnancy!
Vicki: Maybe God designed pregnancy to be 9 months for more than just the development of the baby.  Maybe there are things he wants you to learn too.

And she left it at that.  Yep, lots of trust to be learned.  I find myself hurryng back to the scriptures I've quoted before:

Phillipians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

And there I am, with a pregnancy that has not been as peachy as my fourth, but much peachier than my 1-3 or 5-7 learning in new ways every day to trust God. 

2) I'm gaining a different perspective on pregnancy.  Up until this pregnancy my ideas of what pregnancy "should" or "did" look like were based upon a near flawless pregnancy, things I'd read in books, and 6 miscarriages.  So, essentially - if you made it past 12 weeks I didn't have much for you in the way of "been there, done that" experience.  And now, here I am - in a rougher pregnancy.  Morning sickness that lasted longer than 18 weeks, and was much different than before, and now grappling with blood sugar problems that have yet to be figured out... whether it be high or low.  (glucose tolerance test on wednesday).  I don't want to be a diabetic.  I don't want to be hypoglycemic.  I just want to be normal, like I was with Am.  However, as my mom pointed out to me - I am learning alot, and becoming much more sympathetic towards women who have less than perfect pregnancies. 

3) Labor and Delivery.  Yes, I'm excited about it.  My first labor with Am was long and hard.  I wasn't prepared for a long prodromal period, nor how painful that really can be.  I wasn't the woman then that I am now.  I've grown up, matured, made changes to my lifestyle - and am considerably more educated (not sure if that's a good or bad thing).  I can not wait to experience all that labor and delivery have for me.  I can't wait to put some of my knowledge into real life, first-person experience.  For 3 years I've been educating women on birth, and just waiting until I could experience it too and now my time is coming and I am so very excited. 

I'm ready to be humbled, ready to be tired, ready for the pain - but mostly I'm ready to meet this miracle. 

And that is that. 

27 weeks.

3 months.

I can't wait to hold both my girls in my arms and let all the tears of all we've lost and all we've gained mingle together as I bask in the miracles that are my children. 

God has blessed me abundantly. 

And it isn't always as easy as pie

I had my 2nd visit with my midwife today, and I have to say I really love those visits, hearing this little one's heartbeat is just about the best thing ever.  Sometimes it can seem like maybe they aren't really growing right or somehow "left" but just the reassurance of that heartbeat it means that they're still there, I'm still here, and somehow - believe it or not - this is real. 

At my appointment this afternoon I brought up to my midwife that I've been feeling alot of hip aches, not normal aches but ones that wrap around to my back and sometimes down my legs, very uncomfortable and I don't remember it being that way with my daughter.  She asked a few questions and determined that I might be contracting.  Although this is nothing to be concerned about yet, and exactly what I had thought it might be, it reminded me again that even though we made it through the first 15 weeks, we still have 23 weeks to go - and that's a long time! 

So I've added a magnesium supplement to my diet and will probably begin taking the Welcome Womb again (which I stopped when I felt the pregnancy was good and stuck). 

I was reading through a blog tonight about another woman's fertility struggles - No Guarantees - and I realized that even now, and 15 weeks, I'm not really guaranteed tomorrow,  (Oh, how that would break my heart) but I'm still trusting and believing in God.  I'm still here, further than I've been in years, knowing that God has orchestrated all of this, and knowing that whatever happens... whatever.... He is still good. 

It's My Eighth and I'm still Scared...

I originally posted this on my other blog These Things I Know but felt that it would fit here too. 

I have been wanting to write for weeks, maybe months, but I am exhausted. I think of something to write about and 5 minutes later I'm asleep on the couch, the thought completely gone from my brain.

So my hope is that when I start writing, maybe something amazing will just come to me. Something awe-inspiring...something wow.

I'm pregnant, and with that in me comes strange emotions not normally found in my life. Tears, giggles, and rude comments will all come from my mouth within seconds of each other and I feel as if I have no control over it. It's, frankly, a little embarassing sometimes.

Last night was one of those such moments. I went to a meeting that I was thoroughly looking forward to, a group of amazing women that I have the priveledge of surrounding myself with, all talking about childbirth and bringing better childbirth to our community. Right up my alley...I love it!

But last night, I had the giggles. I had recently found out some information that was quite shocking - and frankly - hilarious, and anything anyone said just made me want to laugh at the hilarity of my present situation. So between massive fits of giggles (where my fellow peeps stared at me like I was nuts, because I am a little nuts right now).

It came out among this group to the few who didn't know, that I am pregnant... And for whatever reason last night, I just did not want to acknowledge the fact. I'm very happy that I'm pregnant, it has been a long and very heartbreaking road to get here, but last night I just didn't want to talk about it.

Most of the time I'm very excited about my pregnancy, well, really - all the time - but it still seems so unreal to me. I don't have a belly yet, I don't feel the baby move yet, my sickness is abating, it all seems so foreign now.

A woman asked me if it was my second child and, logically, the answer is yes.

But to me the answer is no.

In the past few months, I've become so connected to those babies that I haven't met, that it breaks my heart to not tell people about them. But it wasn't the place the mention that I had 6 others in heaven that I haven't met yet.

As everyone around me answered for me - yes its her second, and I mumbled, yah its my second.... I thought, "but its not. It's not my second, its my eighth and I'm still scared."

Everything tells me its going to be okay, that I get to meet this one, but can I just tell you that I've been burned, bad. And I'm still scared. I feel it everyday and it irritates me to no end. I can't wait for the day when I know, I just know that its all going to be okay.

I sure hope it comes soon, I pray it comes soon.

thank you for sticking with my random post, sure didn't know it would lead here!

We are having another baby!!!

If you can tell from our posts below - that were all written a couple months ago... 

We are expecting a baby in May! 

I had an appointment with my midwife today and we were able to hear our baby's heartbeat on the doppler.  It was very exciting! 

My day has been made. 

So, now the word is out - all is public, we are having a baby!

YAY!

I'll tell you the full story another day, but thank you to all of you who have prayed and cried with us - we have felt every prayer, every hug, every tear. 

YAY!!

Even Now...

It's been so long since I've written... and if you're counting the weeks, you probably know where this is headed. 

On Sunday I will reach my 11th week of pregnancy.  Can I just say it here and now:

HALLELUJAH!  AHHHH!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!! OH MY GOSH!!! AHHHH!!!! 

That's what my heart wants to scream, but my head holds me back...  Don't get your hopes up.  Its not 12 weeks yet.  Things can happen.

Yet, I know, that even now... if something happens...  my life has been forever changed by this little one who grows inside of me.  His first heartbeat connected with mine, and the second just solidified my love. 

I don't know where I fit now with infertility.  Because I'm having a baby.

(OH MY GOSH, I'M HAVING A BABY!!!) - sorry, I keep having those moments.

But now, I feel like, the people (most of who don't know me) whose blogs I have followed and whose own stories I have cried over...

Where do I fit with them?  I love them.  I feel like we're friends, because we've become attached by this unwanted, unexpected frustration that has consumed our lives - infertility. 

But now...  am I still infertile?  Will I ever even know again? 

I don't know.  I don't actually have any answers. 

but I do know, that when I read my friends' stories, when I see their posts - my heart still hurts.  I want to fix it for them, and so often I just don't have any words.  Because really, no words can make it better. 

We all just want it to go away. 

So to my friends, I am so sorry.  I wish it would all just stop and we could all celebrate together.  I wish that I had an answer as to why it worked for me, but I don't.  I don't know how I got pregnant - or why I stayed pregnant.  I wish that I could take my daughter's magic wand and wave it over you and you'd be horribly sick and your belly would pop out.  But I can't... her magic wand is really just an old baby rattle.

But I can pray with you, and you can know that I am and I will.

I will never stop praying with you.

6wks 3dys

Yes, you see that right folks.  No time has not regressed but today I had an.....

ULTRASOUND!!!!

It was fabulous, every short breath taking second of seeing that beautiful baby.  I'm a little jealous of my husband's view.  He got to see the baby the whole time, I had to contort my head in some strange fashion to catch a glimpse.

But I saw it!  I saw that glorious, gorgeous, breathtaking, heart-stopping, tear-jerking, make-your-throat-swell-up,

Heartbeat.

137 beats per minute. 

It was amazing. 

Baby is measuring a week behind what I had originally predicted, which is normal, fine, and probably speaks to my short luteal phase and frequent miscarriages. 

It took everything within me to not tell everyone at church tonight that I'M PREGNANT AND THERE'S A HEARTBEAT!!!

  But, I just smiled. 

I am happy tonight, very very happy. 

And looking forward to 12 weeks pregnant.  That will be wonderful.

 I am beyond blessed.

Anxiety

I've noticed I've been having anxiety about pregnancy at wierd times.  For instance, while visiting my parents my mom wanted to take me shopping for maternity shirts.  I didn't really want to since I'm already nervous about this pregnancy the last thing I want is to be reminded that I'm not pregnant with maternity clothes floating around my house.  But I went, she was adamant.

As we walked up to the maternity section in the department store though, I panicked.  My breathing got hard and I started shaking.  I saw that woman in the pictures with her big beautiful tummy and realized that this is so opposite of all that I've done for the past two years.  Outside of work I have done most everything I can to avoid looking at pregnant women, and here I am now - acting like one of them, picking out clothes to wear when I get bigger. 

Then yesterday when I was on the phone with my friend I started crying when I thought about the very idea that I even am pregnant.  I've become very good at knowing I'm pregnant and yet not relating myself to the idea.  Almost like I'm in denial, but not because I don't want to be pregnant but because I don't want to not be again.   So, I can talk about my pregnancy, but when I think about being pregnant - having a child growing inside of me - I cry, friek out, experience those moments of deep loss and I haven't even lossed yet.

I'm looking forward to the day when this anxiety can be replaced with great joy.  

7 weeks pregnant

I can't believe I'm here.  Still pregnant at 7 weeks.  Although this is not the furthest a pregnancy has gone and then miscarried for me - it is still much further than all but 1. 

Which gives me hope, lots and lots of hope.

I still have this fear in my head though, what if?

What if this one doesn't make it? 

What if the ultrasound doesn't show a heartbeat? 

What if I start to miscarry at youth encounter next weekend or my friend's wedding the following? (and none of these people even know I'm pregnant)

What if there is something wrong with this baby?

What if I get my heart broken again?

But you see - what is hope if it is in things I am certain of?  Well, that is not hope at all - that's knowledge. 

Trusting God these past few weeks has been especially hard, and to be brutally honest - I've ignored him more than anything. 

Infact, I've forgotten that I'm pregnant most days, other than those few moments when I have to take my Welcome Womb (nasty, nasty stuff) or progesterone, or vitamins - or when a good friend calls just to see how I'm holding up. 

I hate that I've disconnected myself but connecting myself right now - although I love this child with all that I am - is not what I can handle. 

I have too much to do, too much to handle to consider the weight of losing a baby right now.  And no time to grieve, so I choose to ignore. 

And if this child finds his or her way to heaven before I have a chance to meet them face to face, I will grieve - if the time comes.

 (maybe a little too much Cinderella for me, but every time I see "if" italicized I think of Lady Tremaine saying  "If you can get your work done and If you can find something suitable to wear" and then explaining to her daughters... "of course I said "If")

As my mother so often said "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."  Hopefully this road does not take me to that bridge, but right now - I still don't know.

I read this verse on a friend's blog last night - and found that as fitting as it was for her, it fits here as well. 

“For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”

Romans 8:22-25

6 weeks 4 days pregnant

This post won't be posted until well past this date.  But I can't help but desire an outlet for all that is going through my mind at 10:21pm on this Thursday evening. 

I have surpassed 6 weeks pregnant, a huge milestone for me, and am 4 days in.  I look forward especially to surpassing 7 weeks 5 days ( a little over a week away.)

This pregnancy has been a whirlwind.  Unexpected, and ultimately not expected to make it I took a last resort and began taking Welcome Womb the day after I found out I was expecting again.  Around 5 weeks I began to feel the symptoms of queezyness and they have slowly progressed. 

At 6 weeks I ventured to my Mom and Dad's home 12 hrs south of us, for some time to just sit and enjoy their company.  My trip is nearly over and it hardly feels as if it's begun.  Day 1 my beautiful daughter ran a temp of 103.9 for the majority of the day, Day 2 my mom was sick with a fever and all through out I've been battling a constant feeling of nauseousness and general exhaustion (which makes me happy).

Today I experienced cramping most of the evening.  I know this happened with Am, but there is no amount of reasoning that can make my mind satisfied that this pregnancy is still going strong.  I keep hoping, keep praying, keep resting all of this in God's hands. 

I don't know that there is a moment I'm not thinking about the baby, and a moment when I'm not praying for this oh so fragile life to continue its creation. 

I realized today that I did not adequately prepare for this trip and will soon run out of Welcome Womb.  I ran my husband all over town at 8:30 pm to find a place that would overnight me my tincture for a decent price and in the end purchased another set online, set to arrive Sat. morning.  Hopefully in time. 

Once again, everything rests in God's hands. 

I look forward to the day when we can pick out baby names, and  I can register on baby center, target, and for cloth diapers.  I long for the moment when I can joyously exclaim for all 400+ facebook friends to see that I am FINALLY expecting a baby in May! 

But right now I hold tight to this child.  I wait, and wait.  My daughter is thoroughly excited, looking forward to a new baby brother or sister (she say's sister).  I run a few names through my head and hope that I have an opportunity to voice them to my husband in anticipation. 

October 11 I have a second ultrasound set up.  Our first was the day before i left for this trip and we saw exactly what you'd expect at 5weeks 5days pregnant, a yolk sac.  Not much - but enough to know things were moving smoothly. 

Part of my longs for an ultrasound today to know that all these cramps are signs of a growing uterus and not signs of impending miscarriage. 

I want life to flow from my womb.  Living breathing beautiful kissable, life.  The kind that makes your soul rejoice.

Tonight I lay in bed for a few moments and longed for heaven.  Where I was surrounded by all my children, there was no distress, no illness, no disease, no concern.  We worship God with a holy abandon and find ourselves in complete fullness of his love. 

I have no other source of strength but him right now.  No amount of rest, medicine, sickness brings me peace as he does. 

No matter the outcome he is my strength.

Pregnancy is never the same

I really liked this woman's article about pregnancy after loss.  She articulates what I can not always do so well.  And I know that no matter what stage of pregnancy you are in after experiencing a loss - you will never view your pregnancy through the same eyes of one who has not lost.  The early pregnancy moments of stomach upset and unending nausea are welcomed, even prayed for - and near the end you second guess every "quiet" moment, every twinge, hoping everything is still alright, hoping you'll have full arms and not empty ones in a matter of weeks.  Read on....

"Well the title says it all–I’m 29 weeks today. And while I feel totally and wonderfully grateful and happy to be here, I admit, that part of me is still terrified. I’m starting to realize, there is no point in which a former infertile ever feels ‘safe’ during a pregnancy.

We know too much. We’ve heard too many stories. Our innocence was taken away either directly or through association in this community. And while it’s easy to tell yourself that such horror stories are rare. That we exist in a bubble rife with these sorts of tales because that’s what this community is about, it’s still hard not to look over your shoulder and wonder, “will it be me?”......(read more)"

hoping

Heading for a blood test this afternoon and hoping for good news. 

Pretending you're pregnant isn't cute.

I found this link through another blog I read.

I have to say - yes, exactly how I felt when I got 4 facebook messages about this years facebook breast cancer awareness. 

I didn't choose to post her status as mine, my husband and I agreed it might not come across well.  But - she's right, lets raise awareness about something awareness needs to be raised about, like infertility and miscarriage. 

Anyway, you can read the article here.  I did not write this article and it does have some language not appropriate for well..anyone.  But its still a good point.

Welcome Womb

I've been hearing more and more about an herb called Welcome Womb. 

What I've heard thus far includes:

• It is used during pregnancy to prevent miscarriage
• It tastes nasty
• It is a collection of herbs
• It varies how much you take based on something...

So, I'll be looking into it more later.  But that's what I know thus far. 

Anybody else heard anything about it?  Good or bad? 

Where The Rubber Meets The Road

Yesterday was a hard day.  I had a lot to do in the way of cleaning my house for people coming over and preparing for homeschooling, but I spent most of my afternoon crying and eating, because eating makes me feel better (atleast for a little bit, lol). 

I just read my last post and saw that I wrote "this is where the rubber meets the road, how I do what I do".  Which is exactly, being a childbirth educator, pursuing my doula certification and fight a battle with secondary infertility and recurrent miscarriage. 

The reason I said "where the rubber meets the road" is because I taught a class while pregnant and then another the following week while miscarrying.  I've only taught during a miscarriage once before and it was my first class I ever taught, other than that I've cancelled my class. 

It was really fun for me to teach while pregnant, having never been able to do that before (because my pregnancies haven't lasted that long) I enjoyed talking about anatomy and the birth process while inside being excited about my own birth.  I never share with my classes when I'm pregnant or miscarrying, that's kind of wierd to me.  People usually feel ackward when I mention it and if you throw in there the fact that they're pregnant and I'm not...it makes things more ackward. 

I don't suffer from jealousy of my clients, just a desire to be on this journey with them.  In a way, I am another stop on their journey, but I long for the kinmanship pregnant women share with one another.  Returning to work following a miscarriage is more difficult that actually teaching the class.  Because I work at a pro-life pregnancy center, and the women there are prayer warriors like you've never encountered, I do share with them my pregnancy and ask them to pray.  Delivering the news that I've miscarried is difficult and hard to do for me.  I dread that much more than teaching my class. 

Teaching during a loss is for me, completely exhausting.  My body is already tired from the physical aspect of things, but the emotional aspect is difficult as well.  Pushing my feelings down and talking about a subject I'd rather avoid at the moment wears at me. 

I do wonder what God's plans are for me in all of this.  I know he can bring good from bad and I'm praying he pours it on!  I need to know that there is purpose in this pain. 

So, yesterday was hard becuase I watched a video.  It was a birth story and in it a little girl met her baby sister.  Her mom described her older daughter's reaction as instant love.  And I broke.  My daughter wants to be an older sister, and I know she'd make a great one.  But this is a gift of which she doesn't understand the value.  A gift that only God can give her. 

Someday, someday when she is an older sister and she understands the preciousness of her position she will be able to glorify God in it with us. 

The aftermath - July 14, 2011

For those of you who have wondered why I kept this to myself and didn't tell many people about my pregnancy, here it is.  Sometimes its nice to pretend that everything is perfect in my world, even when I know its not. 

The Aftermath :

It’s way too late.  I spent an hour (or more, I lost track of time) reading nothing on facebook, wondering how in the world other mothers have the time and abilities to accomplish all that they do. 

Exhaustion and frustration are not becoming of me. 

I keep wondering when I can post the story of the past week on my blog, but then I wonder how, so that it makes sense, and why.  My blog is about the delicate balance I walk in life; living my own personal struggle with infertility and miscarriage while working as a birth educator and now doula. 

And here it is, where the rubber meets the road.  Here is where you see it all, the dirt, the part that has always made you wonder how I do what I do. 

So, this crazy last week – I have to post it.  Even though I’m afraid of the comments.  It’s not sympathy I seek.  No, that’s not really me.  No, infact, I wish to handle this privately.  But somehow out there I thought it might be nice if people who ask me all the time “how do I handle my friend’s miscarriage?”  would have a place where they can hear the feelings of one who has been there. 

Not so that tomorrow you can give me an encouraging hug, or one of those looks that says “I’m sad for you”.  But so that someday when you’re faced with something you don’t really understand – you can let your friend know that it’s okay that they don’t know what they need from you, but yet they know that they need you.  And that’s all there is to it.

So, one of these days, I’ll post the story.  All of it – the blog posts, the journal entries, the prayers. 

But today, it’s still private.  I like it that way.

7/14/11