Homeschooling Honesty.

All day I've had these ideas of what I could blog about, none of them overtly inspirational or positive.

 Earlier this week I found myself so overwhelmed with the weight of homeschooling.  The responsibility of homeschooling.  All the questions came flooding over me.  What am I doing?  Is this really the right thing for our family?  Am I supposed to be doing this?  Is it supposed to be this hard?  Will she ever learn diligence and good work ethic and how to make and stick to a schedule?  Will she be educated enough to go to college?  Be a doctor or a chemist?  Will I have succeeded in educating her to be whatever she wants to be?

And then all those things that I hold over my head came rushing back.  I'm not very organized (I used to be, but not anymore.  Not with three kids).  I'm not very diligent.  I don't have a good work ethic.  I hate doing the dishes.  and the laundry. And I don't like to clean.  {This is where my mom would say she didn't do a good job teaching me, but it isn't that at all.}

All of the sudden I realized that if I screw up at home, there won't be a school either to pick up my broken pieces and teach my children what it means to turn in an assignment on time and completed.  There won't ever by bells and time constraints.  There won't ever by deadlines or directional plotting to make sure you can make it to your locker, the bathroom, and your class on the fourth floor in 3 very short minutes.

And it weighed on me.  All of it.  All week.  All week as we barely got our school work accomplished while I snuggled a healing boy, tried to keep him calm but the other two busy.  A difficult week when I tried so hard to show my struggling three year old just how important she is, but I hurt the way her eyes say she feels looked over.

Today I sat in the ballet waiting area, unshowered with pony-tailed hair, my eyes revealing my weariness,  I turned to the seasoned mom next to me and asked "Do you ever feel like 'what am I doing??"  Her response was just what a weary mom needed.  "Oh yah, all the time.  I've felt like that since the beginning."  -- solidarity.

We got in the car and drove home.  As Amariss belted out the sound of music and Doron somehow fell asleep through it all, I drifted in my own thoughts.  I saw a man on a corner, holding two different sodas in each hand, waiting for the lights to change.  And I thought briefly "I wish I could just sit on the couch and drink two different sodas and binge watch Netflix for like 2 days."  But then I shook my head, no, not really.  I would want to clean the house first... and by the time I finished that I would want to be with my kids again.

But I reminded myself of why we're in this.  Why we homeschool.  Public schools are great, I think they have fantastic teachers who work so hard to make a difference in the lives of kids.  I'm so thankful for all the friends I have who pour so much of themselves into teaching little ones.  I cannot imagine how difficult this is.

I just read through our vision statement.  We wrote this before we started homeschooling Am in Kindergarten.  And I don't know that I have read it since.  But another seasoned homeschool mom told me 'Write out a vision statement and read it often, because you will need to remember why you are doing this'.  Despite all of Am's advancements and achievements just in this past quarter of school, the hard days make you want to throw it all away in an instant.  And while I haven't read our vision statement in 3 years, I can see that by reading it we are still holding to it.  And I am so thankful for that.

I am so thankful that this really hard job of educating our children is worth it.  I am so thankful that on really hard days, really hard weeks, and sometimes really hard months; there is still purpose in all of this.  And I am thankful that for this time and this season, God has shown us time and time again that we are doing what he has called us to do right now.

Blessings my friends.

Brie

In this season....

I struggle so much in this life with doing big, being big. I want to be that person whose ministry is making a difference. I want to make a difference. But these days all I can do is just live. To make it through this day. I can't even organize my thoughts as to what I would do to make a difference, there are just too many needs. And how could I make a difference? I am just one person with no extra time. Actually, I am representative of 5 people with no extra time. (And I just spilled milk on my jeans.) I have to remind myself regularly that I cannot do all things.  I must do what I can do; well. Raising my kids. Supporting my husband. Fulfilling our call to expand our family through adoption. Homeschooling. Youth ministry. There it is; my plate is full. I can do those things well right now, with God's help. 

I wrote in my daughter's journal this morning that we go through seasons of our lives. There is a season for working, volunteering, creating, but this season right here is for loving and raising these babies. And that is a good thing. It isn't an easy season, it's the kind that earns you time alone when your husband gets home from work because you called him near tears with both toddlers screaming at you; demanding all of you at the exact same time.  It is the kind of season that breeds lots of laughter and silly faces and funny games. It is the season when you teach a two year old and a three year old that they have to share, and you teach a seven year old just how valuable and important she is even though her world is overrun with irrational siblings. It is the kind of season when you laugh and you cry; when you change more poopy diapers than you ever thought possible in a 2 hr time span. It is a hard and wonderful season and it may not feel like I'm doing anything big or changing the world, but I am changing their world so that they can do 


big too.

 I am in a season of multiplication and it is hard but good. Someday, someday... Someday there will be time for sitting and painting and praying and changing the lives of others outside of this tight knit little circle I live in, but not quite yet. A reminder from my devotions today Luke 16:10 “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”
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I can be faithful with these littles right now.

Is this what we call normal?

Yes, I think our lives are finally slipping into "normal".  I wouldn't say that normal is always easy, but it is good to be here.  Normal means that the transitional things we have noticed with Doron have either ceased or we now can expect them and work through them.

Doron has handled our transition back to church remarkably well and we are now in the process of transitioning back into youth ministry as adult leaders (our church has a youth pastor and several other adult leaders).  This is still a bit tricky as we both have our life groups to work with and Doron cannot be without one of us in the nursery.  Last week he handled life group "ok" and needed to go to the nursery during worship, so Aaron took nursery duty.  Not sure if we will switch tonight or if Aaron will go again.  After a long day at work Doron isn't much for leaving Aaron's side at night.

Aaron is still Doron's favorite but I get plenty of hugs, kisses and snuggles during the day too.  Last night Aaron had had all three kids at his mom's house while I took a webinar.  When they got home Doron yelled "Mama!" and ran up to me with his arms wide open.  It was so sweet!

As Doron has gotten more comfortable with us we are seeing more of his little personality coming out.  No longer is he quiet and timid but he has a lot to say and often we call his little language his Mandrish.  We can tell he is trying to say something in English but it sounds like it is probably partly Mandarin.  He has become a daring little boy who tests his limits with climbing ladders and chairs and trying to ride his sister's big bikes and his little (but still too big for him) bike; laughing the whole time.  He is quick to smile and a tickle will bring on a fit of giggles that makes you never want to stop tickling him.  He likes to be thrown by Daddy high up in the air and smiles a giant smile every time.

He is also a little stinker who will sometimes hit or bite his big sister, Zizi.  Sadly, its usually her who gets hit or bit.  She is still taking it well, although she did go through a phase when if he came near her she would run away screaming.  Mostly the two of them play really well together but there are also days like today when Z does NOT want to share her Mommy and Doron does NOT know what he wants so everybody cries and screams (sometimes Mommy cries too... I try not to scream, that usually makes things worse).  Naptime has finally settled itself out.  Z watches an episode of Octonauts or Clifford... or whatever her favorite show this week is and Doron snuggles up on my shoulder and quickly falls asleep.  Then Z goes down pretty easily too.  I am thankful we found a system.

Am has been so busy this summer playing with her best friend whenever possible.  It seems we hardly see her; just glimpses as they run between houses.  Doron thinks Am's best friend is also one of his sisters and he calls her Jie Jie as well.  It's pretty adorable.

This is an amazing time in  our lives - crazy busy and difficult - but really amazing.

Sleep, Baby, Sleep

The first two nights after Doron joined our family bedtime was a piece of cake.  In every way; it was easy, it was sweet, it was enjoyable.  About the third night though Doron didn't want me anymore.  At first when it came to bedtime he would lay his head on my chest and full out lay on top of me, with his tiny little body.

On night three, he didn't want to be anywhere near me.  Since then, Doron has preferred Daddy.  And by preferred, I mean - he cries like the worst is happening all over again unless Daddy is there to lay him down for naps or bedtime and be there when he wakes up from either.  Even this afternoon when Doron woke up from his nap, I went in to get him and pick him up.  He cried and cried and cried, huge tears, lots of snot - CRYING; knowing that Daddy is headed back to work this week and that we are going to have to figure this thing out I tried to distract him with his favorite snack.  Nothing.. the tears would not stop coming.  Only after going outside and getting Daddy, and being held by Daddy did the crying stop and he ate the snack I was still holding.

Doron loves Daddy.  No doubt about that.  And really, I have no doubt that he loves me too, but for some reason when it comes to sleeping he doesn't trust anyone like he trusts Daddy.  And that's ok, because that's what he needs right now.

Tonight was different though.  For some reason when we were putting Z down to bed, Doron got really jealous of her snuggling me.  Doron wanted Mama.  Since Daddy has only put Z to bed once since we got home from China, I picked up Doron and we cheerfully waved goodbye to everyone and headed downstairs to put Doron to bed.

He was so calm.  I've never seen him so calm at bedtime.  But I sang to him softly all my bedtime songs, twice.  And then we laid down in bed together, like we did the first night we had him.  I took off my glasses and he touched my face and he called me Nai Nai.  It's a small glimpse into his little mind, what all of this must feel like to him.

His Nai Nai is his foster mom.  At 18 months old our son was placed in a foster home for 7 months while we waited to be able to travel and get him.  During this time he bonded really well with his foster mom, I imagine she must have sang to him quite a lot.  She loved him very much.  Nai Nai has long straight hair, similar to mine and sometimes I wonder if I was too similar to her for awhile.  That he had to learn to separate her and I.  Tonight, with my glasses off and half asleep he thought I was Nai Nai and he fell asleep peacefully in my arms.

Our little baby has endured quite a lot in his short life.  It can be hard to understand all that our son has gone through because in all my life I haven't suffered the loss that he has.  I hope and pray that as he grows, we are able to help him fully process and understand his past, his present, and his future.  I pray that God gives him peace as he works out all that he endured.  I know it will be a lifelong journey for him to mourn what was and what will never be, and accept what is and all that can be.

Goodnight friends.

Emotions, Dates, and Other Thoughts

I'd like you to know that this is likely to be the most scattered blog post I've ever written.  There, you've been warned - read on at your own risk.  (and for my grammar friends, please ignore my incorrect usage of commas... and other major errors.  For some reason I never could grasp the whole comma thing)

It is rare that I get coffee, even more rare that I get one at 9pm, so this is likely to only exacerbate the problem of scatterdness.

I often joke, or possibly try to joke, that I don't have much emotion, but infact I think the truth is that I have more emotion than I know how to handle, so I hold my emotions at arms length.  I feel them, inside, but it is hard to let them out.  It is hard for me to show people how I am really feeling inside.  I hope you don't think I mean that I am fake, I mean that sometimes I can't even understand or put into words all that I am feeling, or that my words seem painfully inadequate, or that I want to have tears and I can't seem to find them in me.  I see people with emotion all around me and I feel it, I just have a hard time showing it.

*******

This week has been full of emotions (and it isn't even over yet!)  Some of the emotions I can't even describe but it was a difficult week.  When we began our adoption process our mind couldn't concieve bringing home a child within 18 months of starting the process.  It just wasn't likely.  In January after recieving our LOA it became a possibility (ever so slight) that we would be able to travel in March, but most likely in April.  Because of circumstances beyond anyone's control - we found out on Tuesday that our trip is now pushed back to May.  This news felt like a sucker punch.  It fell on an already difficult day that was only matched by the ice storm that ripped through our area.  Today we recieved our travel confirmation!  The trip is set and scheduled and we will be leaving mid-May to bring home our son!  The news hits me with two major emotions at the same time, frustration because it was supposed to be April, and excitement that our trip is confirmed.  We're going in May!  We are so incredibly excited! But oh how our arms ache to hold our little boy.

********

Early in our adoption process I sat at the table sorting out files and documents and a whole assortment of paperwork.  I am not even sure if we had even decided we would adopt from China yet.  I remember sitting across from Aaron and looking up and saying "We need an adoption doula."  I was so overwhelmed, I didn't even know where to start.

As a Birth Doula one of my roles is to help expectant parents navigate through their pregnancy as well as their labor and delivery.  I work prenatally with clients to practice tools for dealing with the pain of labor, I provide resources to help them make educated and informed decisions during pregnancy and labor, and we come up with a birth plan so they can be prepared for their labor and delivery and the questions that often come up.   And as a childbirth educator I make sure my clients are educated on what happens during pregnancy, labor, and delivery.  I help establish bonds with them so that the birth partner feels included as well.  I give the birth partner important tools to help him feel involved in the pregnancy, labor and birth.  

I often joke that I relate most things in life to childbirth - and it is so true.  I actually saw the face of the laboring woman in the effort it took my husband to put together his basketball hoop.  I'm nuts when it comes to childbirth.  (Consequently, my husband now views much of life the same way too.  I have apparently rubbed off on him.  When we were hiking last fall I came out from a crevice between two rocks to have my husband say "that totally looks like a uterus and birth canal - let me take your picture coming out of it!".... I have ruined him for life).   *If you are reading this for the first time just getting to know me, please don't think I am strange or that I will talk to you about uterus' or show you pictures of babies being born... I mean, I totally would if we were in class together, but I restrain myself for the general public*  - also, I am very tired right now, so my filter is pretty much gone.

Back to my original thought process -

I have been thinking lately about how this adoption process has felt like the longest pregnancy of my life.  How our agency has been our doula, the CCCWA our care provider, and China our hospital.  While in a pregnancy you can choose your care provider (and in some respects so have we), we took great great care in choosing our doula.  We researched, we asked questions, we asked more questions, we hired one and fired one (in a nice way), and we found one we love.

I am so thankful for our agency, they have held our hand and walked us through this process in such an incredible way.  Just like in pregnancy, they can't make all of our decisions for us.  They can't do all the hard work (although to be honest, they do a lot more hard work for us than a doula can for her childbirth clients...).  But they have been our advocate.  They have provided resources and information.  Help when we needed it. They are amazing.

******

In following with the theme of equating our adoption process to pregnancy, labor and birth...

In pregnancy you are given a due date, and your baby is born somewhere around that due date.  You get your hopes up and excited and your due date comes and more often than not, baby doesn't.  Moms are frustrated, they're tired, they have these crazy hormones racing through their body as their body prepares to labor and the waiting is just so hard.  Your expectations were set.  You thought baby was coming.

That's kind of how I feel right now.  I knew baby coming early (March) wasn't likely - but I held out a glimmer of hope.  I knew baby coming on time (April) was probable - but I kept a corner of my heart protected in case I was wrong.  And today we got the official news, baby is coming late (May), very late in my opinion.  My heart desperately wanted March or April.

The difference though, and this is what makes it the hardest.  When you're pregnant and waiting for baby, you're still holding your baby.  My arms are empty while we wait.  And that makes me very sad.  Each day he is away is one more day that he grows and his face changes, his personality changes, and we're missing it.

I look at Z and I can see how every day she changes a little bit more and what am I missing?  I know that he is loved and cared for, but I miss him.

******

A few posts back (which might be awhile since I haven't been able to post much lately) I throughout the question of why we would adopt when we can't afford it.

It was a hard question to ask because I feel like it deserves an answer.  A few people responded quite encouragingly to us, reminding us of the call God put on our hearts and our lives to adopt.

And I can't find an answer better than that one.  Years ago, before I ever knew that having babies would be difficult for us, my heart was drawn to adoption.  Before I ever met Aaron, I wanted it to be apart of my story.  When Aaron and I were married we always bounced around the idea of adopting a child or children someday.  We didn't even at that time understand what that would look like, or mean, we just knew we wanted to.  Amazing how God can use a little "want to".

I feel the answer to the question is as simple as that.  We know that God has already provided all that we need to bring home our son.  We just haven't seen it yet.  When he opened our eyes and our hearts to be willing, he provided.

Why are we adopting when we aren't incredibly wealthy people?  Because we want to.  Because God called us to.  Because our hearts are forever attached to a little boy desperate for a forever family.  We are his family.  That's the answer.

Will we adopt again? I don't know.  It is hard to think of anything past bringing home Doron right now.  It is hard for us to have any idea what God has for us, because none of our journey has been what we would have pictured it to be.

My greatest fear is that people will think we chose adoption because having biological children is too difficult for us.  No, that's not it.  There are days and moments where I might have felt that that was it - that adoption was easier than experiencing loss over and over again - but deep down, that is not the reason we chose to adopt.

We have chosen adoption because this is what God called us to do.  This is his heart, and he has made it ours too.

******

I went to see The Dropbox movie tonight.  I was gripped throughout the whole film.  I felt like I couldn't move, my heart just overwhelmed.  In it was a woman that I admire.  It took me by surprise really, I didn't know she would be in the movie.  Last summer I opened a letter and in it was a picture of this woman holding a little boy, and my heart did a little flip flop.  I looked up and a woman in her mid-60's rode past me on a bicycle.  And I thought 'who am I going to be when I'm that age?'  I was holding in my hand a photo of a woman who has given her life to help the orphans, and saw before me the image of what I thought I wanted for my retired life; to ride my bike through my small town, to worry about my garden, my friends, and my grandchildren.  There is nothing wrong with that idea, but what I really want is to be making a difference in the lives of children who have no one else.

God has given me such a gift with Amariss, Zemirah, and Doron.  I cannnot imagine not sharing the love he has given with so many more children.

*****

If you stuck through this post until the end, wow, you amaze me.  I wanted to split it up into more than one post, but I am fairly certain (based on my track record) it's going to be awhile before I can put another post together.  Maybe I'll surprise myself, but I haven't been very consistent.

As you can see I have a lot of emotion running through me right now.  And so much more that I just can't share right now.

Thank you for praying for our family, for being a part of our journey.

God bless,

Brie

How much longer?

It hasn't been a month since my last posting but it feels like it!  So much has happened in the last few weeks and here we are mid-february and thinking about when we might get to go meet and bring home our little boy!

Is this really happening??  Less than a year ago we actually started the adoption process from China;  at that point our time frame was 18 months at the earliest!  11 months later and we have our visas and know we will be going to China this spring.  The question still remains which month we will be leaving in, but we are preparing our hearts and our home to bring in another little one.

Currently we are waiting for our Article 5 to be issued.  It would normally be expected this week, but with Chinese New Year we may have to wait an extra week.  Once our Article 5 has been issued we will recieve our Travel Approval (TA) and then tickets are booked and the trip is planned!

I get overwhelmed wrapping my head around all that the next few months holds for us.  Time is flying over here and it catches me by surprise constantly!  In a city far away, in a home I've never seen, being held by another woman - is my son.  I am so grateful for the family that is taking care of him in this time when I can't.  I am not sure how I will ever be able to adequately thank them for all that they mean to me.  To bring my little one into their hearts for a brief time, to take care of him, and shower him with love - it means so much.  So very much.
 

Life, Updates, Steps Forward

I left the social media world on Sunday evening.  I said my internal goodbye's and prepared myself for 3 days without Facebook.

You're laughing.

I know.  I know.  I know exactly how it sounds.  A stay-at-home mom, addicted to Facebook, and blogs, and Instagram... and everything else that keeps her connected to the rest of the world.  It's almost cliche. Well, it is a little true.  Our church entered 3 days of prayer and fasting, and my husband asked me to give up social media.

It was difficult that first day, and the second... and the third...  I even dreamed about accidentally getting on Facebook on my phone.  I would check my email and have to not absentmindedly click on Facebook.  I know the truths about it all - I know that it's easy to get sucked in to.  How one article shared just starts you on a vicious cycle clinging to news stories.  Yes, I get my news from Facebook.

Anyway - it really is all besides the point.  These 3 days were liberating, and the conversation I missed in the van on the way home because I was finally able to peruse Facebook, was dissappointing.  I need to be more aware of my surroundings, less caring of the goings on in other people's lives, focusing on the happenings around me and my family.  These littles are growing up way to fast.

One of our youth students preached an absolutely astounding - phenmonenal out of this world message tonight.  She really opened herself up to be vulnerable and let the Holy Spirit use her.  Wow.
Sunday morning, our Pastor preached an amazing message.  My heart began a much needed healing and my spirit a much needed awakening.

God is doing an incredible thing.  He is moving in incredible ways.  I can't wait to see how this story unfolds.

Monday morning I settled in with my lovelies to spend the morning with them, and take some time with Jesus.  Monday afternoon we received in the mail an amazing part of adoption news.  I mean it was so exciting, it was like Christmas.  For Christmas we got our LOA, for January we got our I-800 provisional approval!  (It's okay that you don't know what that means!)  This is a HUGE piece of our puzzle!!  We our now waiting on our NVC letter so we can file our DS-260!  Still confusing words... but our time is drawing near!! Those dates of March or April??  That's for real.  We'll be going to China in March or April of this year to bring home our son. It doesn't even seem real, yet it does seem so real...

I have been nesting up a storm!  Cleaning out stuff we don't need, trying to rearrange.  Seriously.  You didn't think you could nest if you weren't physically pregnant?  Oh, you can.  It's the strangest thing.

Monday night as we were headed to bed I checked my email quickly and hidden between unnecessary advertisements was our Update.  We have been waiting since November to receive our update on our little boy.  In our update we were gifted with a video!!  And we watch it over and over and over again.  We cannot wait to bring him home!!

So, we have been on cloud nine since Monday.  It's like floating on surreal air, and we're only going to float some more!

With getting closer to leaving though, we know we are getting closer to needing more money!  We know that God is going to provide, but how - he is mysterious.

Last week I was worried about our finances.  We had been running into one road block after another, and I was overwhelmed with how we would ever have enough to bring home our baby.  I recieved a check in the mail from a medical bill I had overpaid and I felt like it was God confirming, that he has it all taken care of.  The next day I recieved another check, this one mine returned to me becuase I had already paid that bill.  Another reminder that he is watching over us.  Neither of the checks were for more than a few dollars, but it brought me the peace I needed to continue to trust in his faithfulness.

We are so excited about the next few weeks.  We have so much to continue doing but we are so very very excited!  Thank you all for praying for us and believing with us.  And for all who have donated, your generosity is blowing us away.  Our hearts are just overwhelmed with all that you are doing for us.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

Finding rest.

It always amazes me how a little bit of time at the feet of Jesus can give you a whole new perspective.  It's truly refreshing.

Now that I think about it, between illnesses and vacations, it has been over a month since I've been to church.  I wish I could say that I've spent time worshiping at home, but I guess the busyness has gotten a hold of me.  The pressures were overwhelming me, and my focus just wasn't where it was supposed to be.

We were even late to church this morning and missed over half of worship, but still my heart and spirit were refreshed in just 2 songs.  That's how desperate my spirit was.

If you are wondering where your peace has gone; if your heart is desperate for rest - look no further than the rest that can be found in Jesus Christ.  Right now, alone at your computer you can find rest in Him.  All you have to do is ask.

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

If you don't have a church home, and are in or around the Quad Cities, I would love to see you at our church, First Assembly of God in Bettendorf.