This was a difficult week. I find it incredibly frustrating that you can have 5 great days and 1 rough one and it feels like you are ready to throw in the towel and that it takes 3 more days to pull yourself out of the rut. It is easy to forget all the good when you are knee deep in muck.
I took today as a rejuvenation day. I didn't worry about the laundry or the dishes, or the miriad of responsibilities I sometimes fail. Today was about enjoying the day and enjoying my kids. We started with crafts outside working with different mediums. We made pictures from pencil, marker, beads, and construction paper. (I don't have pictures because I was making pictures too! When I am trying to operate a camera I spend too much time trying to capture the perfect picture and not enough time experiencing life with my children. A picture or two that captures moments similar to these will spark a lifetime of memories.)
After crafting and playing and messes and a lunch only one child enjoyed... The littles were down for naps, the big was settled with a book. I had about 20 minutes to get half of a project finished and D woke up. Every once in awhile he'll take a great nap, usually I can bank on 45min-1hr followed by 30-40 minutes of hysterical crying. I don't know what it is that wakes him up, or what it is that makes him scream for so long but I wish I did. It is his hard time of day. After the crying ends there is cuddling, rocking, or strollering for another 30 minutes... and then he is ready for a snack. By then Z wakes up... I haven't yet been able to accomplish anything during naptime. And it has become quite clear that we won't be able to use naptime for school time anymore. Although I am presuming the we could possibly still do most of our work in the morning and allow naptime for seatwork...
I am being completely honest when I say that I am nervous about home schooling this year. Kind of like when we first started with Kindergarten and I had a one year old. I just took the plunge and said if it was terrible I could send her at semester to public school. We made it through Kindergarten, and thoroughly enjoyed First Grade. And here we are entering Second, and another new one in the home and the question looms - 'How am I going to do this??' But, we will jump in with both feet and give it a go. My guess is, we'll figure this out too.
After all of our littles were awake today we played with cornstarch and water, a non-Newtonian fluid. Aaron and I were sitting outside with two littles and a big playing with cornstarch and water, throwing it on the concrete and picking it up to see it liquify again... It was so much fun. Again, no pictures. I love participating! I love getting messy and having a good time!
I think that we'll be okay with homeschooling this year as long as I stop caring about absolutely everything else. Anyone want to spend their days doing my laundry and dishes?
Showing posts with label mothering. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mothering. Show all posts
1.05.2015
An Important Job
I joined instagram less than 24 hrs ago, pretty much for the sole purpose of keeping up with a dear friend who left Facebook probably over a year ago. She left for a lot of reasons, reasons I definitely agreed with, and I got an instagram because I am tired of not keeping up with her life!
I really thought that Instagram was just pictures, but apparently she uses it for so much more. She has a lot of followers, and she uses her instagram (whether she knows it or not) to speak life and encouragement into others.
This morning I opened my instagram and when I was at a *most frustrating* part of my day I felt encouraged in my role as a mother. I was reminded of the importance of my position and while laying on the living room floor, bemoaning the effort it was taking to get anything done today.
Sometimes it feels like we work so hard at this mothering gig and our kids don't always get it. Last week I stood on a beach in Florida with my husbands strong arms wrapped around me as he spoke life back into my tired home-school mother's soul. I was feeling like a deflated failure coming down from the busy holiday season, where school often fell to the bottom of the list, wondering if all of this - if home schooling was really what we were supposed to be doing. And then my husband swooped in like a night in shining armor to encourage me, and remind me that all of this - yes, this is the right thing we're doing - and our child is recieving an excellent education.
I can't imagine that I am alone in this. I can't imagine that I am the only home schooler out there who thinks at times that she is failing her child. I can't imagine that I am the only mother who wonders if I am really doing this correctly. I know we all do, and so today as I laid there wondering how we will ever get back on a decent schedule, and how will my house ever look as clean or as organized as it once did - I was reminded that this job I'm doing, day in and day out, early evening, late night, middle of the night, way too early morning -
It is an important job and I am doing a good job.
I really thought that Instagram was just pictures, but apparently she uses it for so much more. She has a lot of followers, and she uses her instagram (whether she knows it or not) to speak life and encouragement into others.
This morning I opened my instagram and when I was at a *most frustrating* part of my day I felt encouraged in my role as a mother. I was reminded of the importance of my position and while laying on the living room floor, bemoaning the effort it was taking to get anything done today.
Sometimes it feels like we work so hard at this mothering gig and our kids don't always get it. Last week I stood on a beach in Florida with my husbands strong arms wrapped around me as he spoke life back into my tired home-school mother's soul. I was feeling like a deflated failure coming down from the busy holiday season, where school often fell to the bottom of the list, wondering if all of this - if home schooling was really what we were supposed to be doing. And then my husband swooped in like a night in shining armor to encourage me, and remind me that all of this - yes, this is the right thing we're doing - and our child is recieving an excellent education.
I can't imagine that I am alone in this. I can't imagine that I am the only home schooler out there who thinks at times that she is failing her child. I can't imagine that I am the only mother who wonders if I am really doing this correctly. I know we all do, and so today as I laid there wondering how we will ever get back on a decent schedule, and how will my house ever look as clean or as organized as it once did - I was reminded that this job I'm doing, day in and day out, early evening, late night, middle of the night, way too early morning -
It is an important job and I am doing a good job.
7.17.2014
Remembering
July is when Aaron and I remember four anniversaries of miscarriages from the past 8 years. Half of our miscarriages have occurred in July, it has no longer become dates for us, but throughout the whole month it rests in the back of our minds. Our first miscarriage occurred on July 20, 2006.
I know I've written often about our miscarriages and our anniversaries. We are now 8 months from our last miscarriage, so for us it feels strange. 8 months doesn't seem like long, but when you are back to back miscarriage to pregnancy - infertility to miscarriage - pregnancy to miscarriage - adoption to pregnancy - miscarriage to adoption, you feel like you're on a roller coaster.
Right now we are in the early stages of our adoption. It feels a lot like being at the end of your first trimester, you are finally ready to accept this pregnancy and believe this baby is really going to come home. You still have a long way to go, your ultrasound is still months away, but you are excited. Meeting your baby someday seems real.
So to be remembering these anniversaries while being in a strange state of "pregnancy" leaves me feeling surreal about them all. Like I can look back and say, "Wow, God - look what you did and look where you are taking us!"
I love this song by Matt Redman:
Never Once
Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
The words echo exactly what my heart feels, like we are standing on a mountaintop, looking back on all that we went through or that we're kneeling on the battleground, remembering the war that was fought and all that our hearts experienced. I feel like we can look at our hearts and see our own scars and our muscles bear the strength of the struggle. But through it all - and I've always said this - never once did we not feel God's love, his faithfulness, his strength carrying us through it all.
I remember pregnant with Zemirah, just weeks after our 6th miscarriage, reading and owning
2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself."
I felt so faithless, I had no confidence that that pregnancy would bring me a baby in my arms. I knew God was good, I knew he was faithful and I knew that when I went through another miscarriage I would survive. I am thankful that God had different plans for the little life growing inside of me.
This July we remember the lives of our little ones in heaven. Amariss speaks often and openly about her brothers and sisters in heaven. Their lives hold value to her and to us. They are a part of our family and someday we will meet them, hold them, and pour on them all the love we have missed.
I am so thankful that this July we celebrate all of our children;
Baby K, Tiny, Itty Bitty, Amariss, Cinco, Woven, Bunnin, Zemirah, Isaiah, Little One, and our soon to be Baby Boy.
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| Amariss found and loved on a baby blue jay yesterday. |
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| Zemirah danced and praised Jesus with me this morning. |
6.19.2014
10 years of marriage.
Earlier this year I was gifted a book by a very dear friend of mine. The book is Delight-full, 31 Days to a Happier Baby...And Wholehearted Motherhood. It is a lovely book written by a really busy and joyful mom. She has eight children and writes about simple and practical ways to add joy and delight to your parenting journey.
One particular chapter she tells a story about her wedding dress. As I read it though, I could clearly in detail imagine exactly what happened because just two years ago I experienced the exact same thing. spoiler alert: This might give away this particular chapter, but it is still worth the read.
She tells the story of her daughter discovering and opening her wedding dress that had been so carefully and meticulously wrapped and sealed. And then her daughter opening her wedding dress, taking it out, and putting it on and joyfully exclaiming about how beautiful she was. This is exact situation happened to us when Am was about 4 years old. For years I had gotten the box out and we had looked at the dress through the window, and then we would put the box away again. And one day I heard a happy exclamation of pure delight when my little girl said "Mommy! Come Look!!" I ran upstairs, curious as to what had her so happy and I - flipped my lid.
My face fell, my expressions did not mimic my daughters. As joy emanated from her depths anger was boiling up from mine. "Amariss! What are you doing???!?!?" I exclaimed. And the rest is history. I gave her a punishment totally unfitting of the crime of wearing my wedding dress. I was angry for way too long.
The precious box my dress had been stored in was demolished, and my wedding dress had no special home until my daughters were grown.
But when I read this strikingly similar story in Kate's book, I found a new perspective. I've long since gotten over the wearing of my wedding dress, but my dress is still special to me and I want it to be special to my girls. Kate tells us in her book of what she decided to do when her daughter opened up her wedding dress. I wish my reaction had been similar.
Kate and her husband decided to make wearing Mommy's wedding dress a special occasion. Every year, on their anniversary, they get out Kate's dress and the girls get to put it on and play in it.
I realized that my girls will probably out grow me by the time they are 12 (bless their sweet Daddy), so keeping my wedding dress for them until they are adults is an unrealistic idea. I remember fitting my mom's wedding dress when I was 15 and modeling it for a mother-daughter night at church. It was so incredibly fun.
So we have decided to pick up the Collins' tradition of wearing Mommy's wedding dress on our anniversary.
Today, my husband and I are celebrating 10 years of marriage. I am so thankful for the man I married. I think back through all we have been through in the last 10 years, and I cannot believe the ways we have changed. I am so thankful that we have grown together through all of it and not apart. I am so thankful that at the end of everyday when we curl up together, exhausted, that we feel each others love. I am so thankful that when I woke up from anesthesia from my surgery a few weeks ago I couldn't stop crying because "I just love Aaron so much!" (yep. that's what I woke up saying) I am so thankful that Aaron has taken the role of priest of our home very seriously, and that he seeks God in every decision he makes. I am so thankful that he challenges me and encourages me. He is an incredibly outgoing man, and his love for people is something I need to learn. He is confident and gracious. I am so thankful that I married him.
This morning I had the girls try on my wedding dress. They were so beautiful and they had so much fun!
One particular chapter she tells a story about her wedding dress. As I read it though, I could clearly in detail imagine exactly what happened because just two years ago I experienced the exact same thing. spoiler alert: This might give away this particular chapter, but it is still worth the read.
She tells the story of her daughter discovering and opening her wedding dress that had been so carefully and meticulously wrapped and sealed. And then her daughter opening her wedding dress, taking it out, and putting it on and joyfully exclaiming about how beautiful she was. This is exact situation happened to us when Am was about 4 years old. For years I had gotten the box out and we had looked at the dress through the window, and then we would put the box away again. And one day I heard a happy exclamation of pure delight when my little girl said "Mommy! Come Look!!" I ran upstairs, curious as to what had her so happy and I - flipped my lid.
My face fell, my expressions did not mimic my daughters. As joy emanated from her depths anger was boiling up from mine. "Amariss! What are you doing???!?!?" I exclaimed. And the rest is history. I gave her a punishment totally unfitting of the crime of wearing my wedding dress. I was angry for way too long.
The precious box my dress had been stored in was demolished, and my wedding dress had no special home until my daughters were grown.
But when I read this strikingly similar story in Kate's book, I found a new perspective. I've long since gotten over the wearing of my wedding dress, but my dress is still special to me and I want it to be special to my girls. Kate tells us in her book of what she decided to do when her daughter opened up her wedding dress. I wish my reaction had been similar.
Kate and her husband decided to make wearing Mommy's wedding dress a special occasion. Every year, on their anniversary, they get out Kate's dress and the girls get to put it on and play in it.
I realized that my girls will probably out grow me by the time they are 12 (bless their sweet Daddy), so keeping my wedding dress for them until they are adults is an unrealistic idea. I remember fitting my mom's wedding dress when I was 15 and modeling it for a mother-daughter night at church. It was so incredibly fun.
So we have decided to pick up the Collins' tradition of wearing Mommy's wedding dress on our anniversary.
Today, my husband and I are celebrating 10 years of marriage. I am so thankful for the man I married. I think back through all we have been through in the last 10 years, and I cannot believe the ways we have changed. I am so thankful that we have grown together through all of it and not apart. I am so thankful that at the end of everyday when we curl up together, exhausted, that we feel each others love. I am so thankful that when I woke up from anesthesia from my surgery a few weeks ago I couldn't stop crying because "I just love Aaron so much!" (yep. that's what I woke up saying) I am so thankful that Aaron has taken the role of priest of our home very seriously, and that he seeks God in every decision he makes. I am so thankful that he challenges me and encourages me. He is an incredibly outgoing man, and his love for people is something I need to learn. He is confident and gracious. I am so thankful that I married him.
This morning I had the girls try on my wedding dress. They were so beautiful and they had so much fun!
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| If you think the "soft" around her is a special added effect, you can think again. This is what happens when you have a toddler. Need to clean the camera lens again! Z - 2 yrs old |
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| She thought this was an amazing experience. She posed perfectly. Am - 6 yrs old |
10 years with the love of my life. So very thankful that God has blessed us with these two beautiful babes, I can't wait to see what the rest of our lives will look like.
9.17.2013
Choosing Joy
This morning started out rough. Actually, no - it didn't. It started out great! Tiny slept all night long, which is pretty rare, so I woke up well rested and ready for the day.
But then I lost track of time, and made an unfortunate discovery. I had made a mistake a few months ago, that I didn't find out about until this morning and it ended up costing us money. I really hate it when I make mistakes, especially financial ones. So to say I was in a sour mood would be true.
We were on our way to Noodle's ballet class this morning and all I could think was "What else could happen today? This day is just going to stink!"
Then I gently reminded myself to choose joy. It wasn't an easy choice. I kept reminding myself of all my failures and ways that I was pretty sure I wouldn't measure up today. But I prayed, I hashed it out with Jesus a bit - not wanting to choose joy, more or less forcing myself into it.
To be honest, I didn't measure up today, I rarely do.
But I decided that at the end of this day, I would choose joy. I wouldn't sit around and think about how terrible I did at being a great mom, or how my house doesn't look any better than it did when we started the day (and actually it probably looks worse), or that school wasn't as organized as I thought, or that we ended up eating leftovers instead of making a real dinner.
Truth is, today wasn't a stellar day for me and tomorrow probably won't be either.
But I've got joy. I see love in my children's faces and I delight in their laughter and voices. I kept calm when my patience was tested today, I let my daughter throw herself on the piles of laundry on the couch, and tried not to think about what I should really be doing with that laundry...
We did school; with jewels that my daughter wanted to use for a craft. We'll eat dinner; not what was planned and we will enjoy this evening and enjoy each other.
Some days do not go like you plan them to, but that is okay. At the end of the day I chose joy. I messed up. I made mistakes.
But there is a new day coming and today I'm not going to beat myself up over my shortcomings.
Any of you have days when you have to choose to be joyful?
But then I lost track of time, and made an unfortunate discovery. I had made a mistake a few months ago, that I didn't find out about until this morning and it ended up costing us money. I really hate it when I make mistakes, especially financial ones. So to say I was in a sour mood would be true.
We were on our way to Noodle's ballet class this morning and all I could think was "What else could happen today? This day is just going to stink!"
Then I gently reminded myself to choose joy. It wasn't an easy choice. I kept reminding myself of all my failures and ways that I was pretty sure I wouldn't measure up today. But I prayed, I hashed it out with Jesus a bit - not wanting to choose joy, more or less forcing myself into it.
To be honest, I didn't measure up today, I rarely do.
But I decided that at the end of this day, I would choose joy. I wouldn't sit around and think about how terrible I did at being a great mom, or how my house doesn't look any better than it did when we started the day (and actually it probably looks worse), or that school wasn't as organized as I thought, or that we ended up eating leftovers instead of making a real dinner.
Truth is, today wasn't a stellar day for me and tomorrow probably won't be either.
But I've got joy. I see love in my children's faces and I delight in their laughter and voices. I kept calm when my patience was tested today, I let my daughter throw herself on the piles of laundry on the couch, and tried not to think about what I should really be doing with that laundry...
We did school; with jewels that my daughter wanted to use for a craft. We'll eat dinner; not what was planned and we will enjoy this evening and enjoy each other.
Some days do not go like you plan them to, but that is okay. At the end of the day I chose joy. I messed up. I made mistakes.
But there is a new day coming and today I'm not going to beat myself up over my shortcomings.
Any of you have days when you have to choose to be joyful?
12.23.2011
In the end, its all about Love
I don't have time to post today, but this has been on my mind for so long and I know if I wait two weeks to post I'll never remember. We have Christmas with my husband's mom tonight and then are traveling to visit my family for Christmas Day and an extended visit after. I won't see my mom again until the baby comes in May, so I want to cherish and soak up every moment!
I saw a friend yesterday and she encouraged me again on what a great mom I am, I said thank you and told her that it's hard being a mom.
And the more I thought about it, the more I realized it played into other realizations I've been making over the past few weeks.
Being a mom isn't hard because I have a bad kid... no, being a mom is really hard because of other moms!
Its the advent of social networking, blogging, and parenting websites that make me feel so inadequate as a mother. It is here that I am reminded of all that I'm not doing, ways I'm parenting wrong, or shown just how inadequate I feel I really am.
I spent a good hour last night talking to my husband about this... he listened and ended the conversation with "well that was a great conversation, should we pick this up again next week?" Thank you psychologist Aaron.
Truly, I just had a girl moment. A moment in which all the thoughts and pressures and concerns of the all the ideologies and mothering philosophies around me finally piled up and overwhelmed me. I needed to talk it out.
So I've been thinking.
Who am I?
As a person, as a worker, as a servant, as a friend? And what do I stand for under all of those things?
Well let me tell you, even though I've been thinking about it I certainly don't have the ability to write it all out right now, things are still flying around my head. Trust me, there's a lot in there.
But one important point I have to come in all of this is that it doesn't really matter what other people think.
If I can't be a fully natural, fully attachment parenting mother; a master gardener; good housekeeping of the year award winner; crafty super mom; homeschooling diva; blogging wonder; or even model wife...
It's okay.
I wasn't created to do it all.
And that makes being a mom so much easier. Because now it's me, my daughter, our new baby coming, and making sure they know they're loved, they know truth, and they know God's promises.
1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
*I am not insinuating that natural, attachment parenting, homeschooling, crafty, super housecleaners, fabulous gardeners... etc are making me feel like a bad mom...
I am trying to say that measuring up to all that some super moms are in those area and attempting to be awesome at everything is overwhelming to me.
I saw a friend yesterday and she encouraged me again on what a great mom I am, I said thank you and told her that it's hard being a mom.
And the more I thought about it, the more I realized it played into other realizations I've been making over the past few weeks.
Being a mom isn't hard because I have a bad kid... no, being a mom is really hard because of other moms!
Its the advent of social networking, blogging, and parenting websites that make me feel so inadequate as a mother. It is here that I am reminded of all that I'm not doing, ways I'm parenting wrong, or shown just how inadequate I feel I really am.
I spent a good hour last night talking to my husband about this... he listened and ended the conversation with "well that was a great conversation, should we pick this up again next week?" Thank you psychologist Aaron.
Truly, I just had a girl moment. A moment in which all the thoughts and pressures and concerns of the all the ideologies and mothering philosophies around me finally piled up and overwhelmed me. I needed to talk it out.
So I've been thinking.
Who am I?
As a person, as a worker, as a servant, as a friend? And what do I stand for under all of those things?
Well let me tell you, even though I've been thinking about it I certainly don't have the ability to write it all out right now, things are still flying around my head. Trust me, there's a lot in there.
But one important point I have to come in all of this is that it doesn't really matter what other people think.
If I can't be a fully natural, fully attachment parenting mother; a master gardener; good housekeeping of the year award winner; crafty super mom; homeschooling diva; blogging wonder; or even model wife...
It's okay.
I wasn't created to do it all.
And that makes being a mom so much easier. Because now it's me, my daughter, our new baby coming, and making sure they know they're loved, they know truth, and they know God's promises.
1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
*I am not insinuating that natural, attachment parenting, homeschooling, crafty, super housecleaners, fabulous gardeners... etc are making me feel like a bad mom...
I am trying to say that measuring up to all that some super moms are in those area and attempting to be awesome at everything is overwhelming to me.
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