Savoring the journey of watching our family grow differently than we expected or planned. We are coming to a greater understanding of how God's vision for our family is far better than ours could have ever been.
It always amazes me how a little bit of time at the feet of Jesus can give you a whole new perspective. It's truly refreshing.
Now that I think about it, between illnesses and vacations, it has been over a month since I've been to church. I wish I could say that I've spent time worshiping at home, but I guess the busyness has gotten a hold of me. The pressures were overwhelming me, and my focus just wasn't where it was supposed to be.
We were even late to church this morning and missed over half of worship, but still my heart and spirit were refreshed in just 2 songs. That's how desperate my spirit was.
If you are wondering where your peace has gone; if your heart is desperate for rest - look no further than the rest that can be found in Jesus Christ. Right now, alone at your computer you can find rest in Him. All you have to do is ask.
Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
If you don't have a church home, and are in or around the Quad Cities, I would love to see you at our church, First Assembly of God in Bettendorf.
July is when Aaron and I remember four anniversaries of miscarriages from the past 8 years. Half of our miscarriages have occurred in July, it has no longer become dates for us, but throughout the whole month it rests in the back of our minds. Our first miscarriage occurred on July 20, 2006.
I know I've written often about our miscarriages and our anniversaries. We are now 8 months from our last miscarriage, so for us it feels strange. 8 months doesn't seem like long, but when you are back to back miscarriage to pregnancy - infertility to miscarriage - pregnancy to miscarriage - adoption to pregnancy - miscarriage to adoption, you feel like you're on a roller coaster.
Right now we are in the early stages of our adoption. It feels a lot like being at the end of your first trimester, you are finally ready to accept this pregnancy and believe this baby is really going to come home. You still have a long way to go, your ultrasound is still months away, but you are excited. Meeting your baby someday seems real.
So to be remembering these anniversaries while being in a strange state of "pregnancy" leaves me feeling surreal about them all. Like I can look back and say, "Wow, God - look what you did and look where you are taking us!"
I love this song by Matt Redman:
Never Once
Standing on this mountaintop Looking just how far we’ve come Knowing that for every step You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground Seeing just how much You’ve done Knowing every victory Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way But with joy our hearts can say Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone Never once did You leave us on our own You are faithful, God, You are faithful You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way But with joy our hearts can say Never once did we ever walk alone Carried by Your constant grace Held within Your perfect peace Never once, no, we never walk alone
Never once did we ever walk alone Never once did You leave us on our own You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise You are faithful, God, You are faithful You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful You are faithful, God, You are faithful
The words echo exactly what my heart feels, like we are standing on a mountaintop, looking back on all that we went through or that we're kneeling on the battleground, remembering the war that was fought and all that our hearts experienced. I feel like we can look at our hearts and see our own scars and our muscles bear the strength of the struggle. But through it all - and I've always said this - never once did we not feel God's love, his faithfulness, his strength carrying us through it all.
I remember pregnant with Zemirah, just weeks after our 6th miscarriage, reading and owning
2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself."
I felt so faithless, I had no confidence that that pregnancy would bring me a baby in my arms. I knew God was good, I knew he was faithful and I knew that when I went through another miscarriage I would survive. I am thankful that God had different plans for the little life growing inside of me.
This July we remember the lives of our little ones in heaven. Amariss speaks often and openly about her brothers and sisters in heaven. Their lives hold value to her and to us. They are a part of our family and someday we will meet them, hold them, and pour on them all the love we have missed.
I am so thankful that this July we celebrate all of our children;
Baby K, Tiny, Itty Bitty, Amariss, Cinco, Woven, Bunnin, Zemirah, Isaiah, Little One, and our soon to be Baby Boy.
Amariss found and loved on a baby blue jay yesterday.
Zemirah danced and praised Jesus with me this morning.
I was driving into town last week and I heard this song on the radio. I believe it hit me, quite hard it felt, that for a long time I have been trying to write my own story. This is probably the reason that I find people that have what I want, a knowledge of what their future holds, and I'm jealous of them. Even more jealous if they have that knowledge and are pursuing their passion, and it's something (I think) I want for my life also, but am not sure if that is the direction in which I am headed.
Am I rambling? Does that make sense? In my book study last spring, Unglued by Lisa Turkhurst, there was a whole chapter on jealousy. That chapter was like a cold bucket of water over my head. Yikes! That was one of the first times I have really taken on the knowledge that I fight jealousy. It's a companion I need to learn how to shake, and hopefully I am learning how to shake. I tried bottling it up, and putting on a happy smiley face, but no, that just makes me stew and become bitter. I thought that maybe telling people when I was jealous of them would help me shake it, but no, that just makes me look (and feel) like an idiot.
Ah, I see, jealousy is from the evil one, the one who wants me to look like an idiot, push people away, and become angry and bitter.
In life, there are a thousand different reasons to be jealous. Someone always has it better, there is always something to be desired. Whether it be a job, a family, a dream - someone always has something you could want, or desire.
When I look back at my adult life I can see that God has taken me on an interesting journey. One I never would have imagined 10 years ago, when I was a young college student, engaged to be married and living with my neighbors, studying for a degree I (kind of) intended to use, in a field I (kind of) enjoyed. To be honest, it was the grace of God that led me to that degree, the one that opened doors and got me on my start to being a childbirth educator and later birth doula. I love what I do. I couldn't imagine loving any other job (outside of my role as a mom) more.
I never once imagined I'd be the woman I am today, with the passions I have today. I never once imagined that I would homeschool, or care about red dye and high fructose corn syrup (seriously, I love fruit snacks and twinkies - er, I did... okay, I do still love fruit snacks), or be passionate about natural childbirth, or passionate about natural anything (again, the girl who popped ibuprofen in high school like it was candy and thought McDonalds could pass as a healthy meal). I never once imagined that we would have miscarriage after miscarriage and wonder how many children we would have. I also never once imagined that I would doubt myself or that I wouldn't know what the next step would be.
And that's where I am. I don't know what the rest of the story is, and often times I try so hard to write it for God only to find myself more confused and frustrated than before. But I forget, he has written it thus far;He has opened doors, presented opportunities, and shaped me and molded me along the way, all in his timing, for his purposes.
So I think listening to this song this week has been a good reminder to me to stop playing with God's pen. A reminder to be fully invested in the current life God has called me to lead and when the time is right, he will guide me to the next step, whatever that may be. We are all on different paths, because we are all different people. Some of us are called to take similar journeys, but no journey is ever identical to or better than someone else's.
A journey is a journey, and I will let God lead mine.
**This post was written late at night, after reviewing it this morning I would like to add that I am not insanely jealous as the piece might suggest. But I do believe that I struggle with jealousy just like anyone else. I am not focusing this post directed at any specific person or event, it is just general reflection.**
I was invited by a friend on facebook to be a part of "100 Days of Beholding" Check out her document and join in on the revelation.
I want to share with all of you a few of my beholdings as I go through this journey. Today is Day 1 for me, and although I won't subject you to every entry of mine - I want you to see some of my highlights.
#1) I'm thankful for time of stress. they increase my faith and teahch me to trust [God] even when I don't want to. Trusting involves letting go - and letting go means I could get hurt. But I've leavned that you are good and even when my heart is broken you love me most. So in this time of stress, when my only choice is to trust you - I let go and know that you are always good. I am one who chooses to avoid stress at all cost. Whether it is avoiding confrontation, avoiding traffic, avoiding grocery stores...you get the idea. I avoid stress because I fear I don't handle it well. Sometimes, stress, is unavoidable and its learning to handle it, and handle it well that teaches the most about who God is.
#6 I'm thankful for [our daughter]; a fun loving child, full of joy, who mimicks our acts of love and has taught us that gentle parenting, although heard work - is worth the effort. A child who is by no means perfect but speaks trust in simple words; when I'm sick "Jesus will heal you, Mommy." A risk taker from the beginning - bold and strong willed - she will shake this woorld for Jesus as she grows and matures in him. She is all real - nothing fake in her and when she commits her life to Christ she will be unmoveable. I often times speak of my child as a handful, difficult, exhausting; terms that in no way build up her charachter. But she is so much more than that - she is all that we prayed for in a daughter. Strong willed, unshakeable, loves deeply. I compare her to other children, raised similarly, and wonder 'hHve I done something wrong?' but I know... I know.... She doesn't commit until she's sold out - and when this one sells out for Christ - the world will never be the same.
I look forward to what the rest of the 99 days brings. I know that this is an exercise in believing, beholding, and becoming. I don't want to become complacent in my place of life.
