In between the lines

I'm in a very strange place right now.  I live in a constant inner struggle between excitement and panic.  Logic over rules emotion at some moments and at others emotion wins over logic.  I can't wait for the day when logic and emotion are in sync with each other - barring that the emotion and logic are good and not disastrous.  I start to feel joy and happiness and then another memory or story triggers the fear that can cripple a person and tie them to the couch for weeks at a time.

My only solace is know that at the end of this I will have survived, however, knowing how I've survived is still questionable.  Will it be tears of joy, elated at the miracle unfolding before me - or tears of anguish that my heart has been shattered yet again and another precious angel joins his siblings in heaven?

There is truly no way of knowing at this point how this will turn out, and I never ever thought that this far into a pregnancy I would still have so much confusion.  Nearly 10 weeks along, but still bleeding, still cramping.  However, the ultrasound shows a healthy baby, growing perfectly happily bouncing around in there.  And now I know, it really is me.  All these years, and all these miscarriages I've wondered if maybe it was something genetic.  That maybe my two little girls are truly miracles of genetics lining up perfectly because there was something faulty with the connection.  But no, we have a perfect baby growing in there, nothing wrong with the connection.  The bleeding is me, but there is really no explanation, no reason, and possibly no problem.  There is just no way of knowing right now.

I laid down and took a nap with my sweet Z this morning.  She is 11 months old and cutting some teeth, which has induced a snoodly nose.  I listened to her heavy breathing, traced her perfect face and for awhile stared into her beautiful blue eyes.  If you've met my girls you can see that even though they're 4 1/2 years apart they look nearly identical.  And from our ultrasound we can already see that little Tic Tac carries the same profile and face shape of his/her big sisters.

So you see, if I lose this one it will be different from all the others.

It won't be just bleeding; I will see the baby.

I will hold our baby.

I will kiss our baby.

And oh my heart, I don't know if I can take that.

For now, we continue to wait and oh, how I pray this story has a happy ending.  How every moment of every day my hand is over my womb, praying for a safe environment.  How just a few weeks ago I had normal perfect pregnancy discharge and now I'm thankful for the moments when it is just light spotting.  The bleeding comes in the evening and early morning.  The cramping hangs around on and off all day.  Yesterday's bleeding was lighter than the day before, I hope today's follows the same pattern.  And oh, how I pray that two and three weeks from now I'm joyfully updating my facebook cover photo with a cute announcement that baby #3 is on the way!

 It's so hard not to be envious of those who post those pregnancy announcements early on, knowing their world has never been tainted with the difficult feeling of loss.  

** Please if you do read this, I have not made this pregnancy public.  Please do not share this information with anyone or mention it on facebook or in person at church etc.  Thank you very much!!