July is when Aaron and I remember four anniversaries of miscarriages from the past 8 years. Half of our miscarriages have occurred in July, it has no longer become dates for us, but throughout the whole month it rests in the back of our minds. Our first miscarriage occurred on July 20, 2006.
I know I've written often about our miscarriages and our anniversaries. We are now 8 months from our last miscarriage, so for us it feels strange. 8 months doesn't seem like long, but when you are back to back miscarriage to pregnancy - infertility to miscarriage - pregnancy to miscarriage - adoption to pregnancy - miscarriage to adoption, you feel like you're on a roller coaster.
Right now we are in the early stages of our adoption. It feels a lot like being at the end of your first trimester, you are finally ready to accept this pregnancy and believe this baby is really going to come home. You still have a long way to go, your ultrasound is still months away, but you are excited. Meeting your baby someday seems real.
So to be remembering these anniversaries while being in a strange state of "pregnancy" leaves me feeling surreal about them all. Like I can look back and say, "Wow, God - look what you did and look where you are taking us!"
I love this song by Matt Redman:
Never Once
Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
The words echo exactly what my heart feels, like we are standing on a mountaintop, looking back on all that we went through or that we're kneeling on the battleground, remembering the war that was fought and all that our hearts experienced. I feel like we can look at our hearts and see our own scars and our muscles bear the strength of the struggle. But through it all - and I've always said this - never once did we not feel God's love, his faithfulness, his strength carrying us through it all.
I remember pregnant with Zemirah, just weeks after our 6th miscarriage, reading and owning
2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself."
I felt so faithless, I had no confidence that that pregnancy would bring me a baby in my arms. I knew God was good, I knew he was faithful and I knew that when I went through another miscarriage I would survive. I am thankful that God had different plans for the little life growing inside of me.
This July we remember the lives of our little ones in heaven. Amariss speaks often and openly about her brothers and sisters in heaven. Their lives hold value to her and to us. They are a part of our family and someday we will meet them, hold them, and pour on them all the love we have missed.
I am so thankful that this July we celebrate all of our children;
Baby K, Tiny, Itty Bitty, Amariss, Cinco, Woven, Bunnin, Zemirah, Isaiah, Little One, and our soon to be Baby Boy.
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| Amariss found and loved on a baby blue jay yesterday. |
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| Zemirah danced and praised Jesus with me this morning. |
