Some days my heart can't help but hurt.
I don't know why. Maybe it is the rain just like the day of his service, the unusually chilly weather for early May, wearing the same sweatshirt as the day we lost him, the abundance of pregnancy announcements and photos on facebook... Lots of little things can all add up, and I ache to hold my baby.
Strange to say, isn't it? If he were still here I would feel him moving around my tummy. I'd be tired, taking this opportunity to lay down and marvel at the way God creates a child inside his mother. So, it is very strange to say that I ache to hold my baby. I wouldn't just be holding him now, I'd be enveloping him - surrounding him with my whole person, nurturing him as he grows and becomes all that he needs to be to be healthy outside of me.
Instead, I take a few deep breaths, listen to some sweet songs, and weep. Then I pick up my feet, and move on.
Each day I move on...
7.30.2013
7.19.2013
July 19 & 20
Today I had my appointment with the Genetic Counselor and MFM specialist. It was an informative meeting, and although we don't have any solid answers, there are a few more tests that can be done.
We had a pretty thorough work-up done in 2007 which showed I was basically negative for everything. There has been another test developed since then that I will have done, as well as repeating one of the previous tests because the results were "intermediate". Not normal, not high - but intermediate. Sure, we'll repeat it.
If these tests come back normal we will *hopefully* depending on insurance woes - move on to chromosomal testing for a translocation. This would be that either my husband or myself, or both, I guess, could have an issue where all the information is there, but its a little wonky so it might get passed on incorrectly resulting in a lot of early losses.
Right now, there are a lot of unknowns. So, we just take it step by step.
Tomorrow marks 7 years since our very first miscarriage. We lost Baby K, at 7 wks 5 days gestation. It is a hard reminder of July 20 of all that has happened since that day. All that we never imagined would happen, but yet all of the strength we have gained from this. God has carried us through more dark days than I wanted to dream possible on that day in July. I never thought I would survive another miscarriage, let alone 6 more miscarriages. But we did, we survived and our faith has been strengthened because of it.
July is a difficult month. It seems we like to get pregnant in June - resulting in 4 of our losses in July.
This post if for Baby K, Cinco, Woven, & Bunnin - our July babies - I love you.
Tomorrow is Walcott Day, I won't have a post because it is my favorite day of the year. I'll be too busy enjoying small town life and running a 5k I have not properly trained for. But it will be awesome because Walcott Day is always awesome.
I am a little bummed though that I have a shirt with July 20 imprinted on it. I don't like to be reminded of this day, it always makes me take a sharp breath in and sigh.
A lot has happened in 7 years.
We had a pretty thorough work-up done in 2007 which showed I was basically negative for everything. There has been another test developed since then that I will have done, as well as repeating one of the previous tests because the results were "intermediate". Not normal, not high - but intermediate. Sure, we'll repeat it.
If these tests come back normal we will *hopefully* depending on insurance woes - move on to chromosomal testing for a translocation. This would be that either my husband or myself, or both, I guess, could have an issue where all the information is there, but its a little wonky so it might get passed on incorrectly resulting in a lot of early losses.
Right now, there are a lot of unknowns. So, we just take it step by step.
Tomorrow marks 7 years since our very first miscarriage. We lost Baby K, at 7 wks 5 days gestation. It is a hard reminder of July 20 of all that has happened since that day. All that we never imagined would happen, but yet all of the strength we have gained from this. God has carried us through more dark days than I wanted to dream possible on that day in July. I never thought I would survive another miscarriage, let alone 6 more miscarriages. But we did, we survived and our faith has been strengthened because of it.
July is a difficult month. It seems we like to get pregnant in June - resulting in 4 of our losses in July.
This post if for Baby K, Cinco, Woven, & Bunnin - our July babies - I love you.
Tomorrow is Walcott Day, I won't have a post because it is my favorite day of the year. I'll be too busy enjoying small town life and running a 5k I have not properly trained for. But it will be awesome because Walcott Day is always awesome.
I am a little bummed though that I have a shirt with July 20 imprinted on it. I don't like to be reminded of this day, it always makes me take a sharp breath in and sigh.
A lot has happened in 7 years.
7.16.2013
What the future holds....
There has been so much rolling around in my brain these last few weeks about the future and what it holds for our family.
I have ideas spinning like you would not believe and I am sure it is only a matter of time before they are available for all the world to see!
On the miscarriage front -
We have an appointment this Friday to meet with the Genetic Counselor, a MFM, and a MFM/Geneticist. I am excited and nervous about this appointment. I'm sure there will be more genetic tests for us to undergo and hopefully there will be answers. However, I am trying not to get my hopes up as from what I've read 60% of miscarriages remain unexplained even after genetic testing.
My heart is still healing from Isaiah's loss. Moving on is much harder this time and I've had to be careful to guard my heart against things that might cause me more grief. It is frustrating to feel limited, but I have been instead pouring myself into some ideas I have and looking forward to the vast realm of possibilities that God could have laid out for us.
There is so much inside of me I just might burst! And every day brings us one step closer.
I have ideas spinning like you would not believe and I am sure it is only a matter of time before they are available for all the world to see!
On the miscarriage front -
We have an appointment this Friday to meet with the Genetic Counselor, a MFM, and a MFM/Geneticist. I am excited and nervous about this appointment. I'm sure there will be more genetic tests for us to undergo and hopefully there will be answers. However, I am trying not to get my hopes up as from what I've read 60% of miscarriages remain unexplained even after genetic testing.
My heart is still healing from Isaiah's loss. Moving on is much harder this time and I've had to be careful to guard my heart against things that might cause me more grief. It is frustrating to feel limited, but I have been instead pouring myself into some ideas I have and looking forward to the vast realm of possibilities that God could have laid out for us.
There is so much inside of me I just might burst! And every day brings us one step closer.
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