Road construction season has begun and my area has certainly not been excluded. I drove home tonight and as I neared our interchange... or whatever its called... The orange cones with reflector lights alerted me to the changes ahead. It's just a mess. At night time, its difficult to see where the road ends and begins... all I can see are orange cones everywhere and I almost don't know where I'm going until I'm right up on it. Its like you're operating a maze with your car at 55 mph. I think the speed limit should be reduced.
That's how infertility feels to me. I'm confused. My opinions and decisions change moment to moment based on what I see or read or hear. I think I know what I'm doing only to find out I have no idea what I'm doing. I wish everything would slow down so I can get a clearer understanding of what is going on. Time keeps going when I wish it would stop so I can give my life a chance to catch up with everyone elses. Or stop so that we can stay in these perfect moments where everything is still going just as we had planned.
But just like the roads need to be changed, my life is going to encounter changes to my plans. And just like we take this road construction in stride and bemoan the lengthy process towards completion, we will take this instride as well. Unlike the road construction I will strive to enjoy this time, understanding that there is much to learn while we wait.
There are always things to learn.
4.30.2011
National Infertility Awareness Week
I've been having a hard time deciding what to post, too many different avenues run through my mind.
Today is the last day of National Infertility Awareness Week.
A few things happened at the end of last week, that started me down the path of wondering if I might be struggling with infertility or secondary infertility. I looked up some infertility web sites and read some blogs. Once I got passed the word "infertility" then I felt guilty that I have a child and would even suggest to myself that I struggle with infertility.
I don't want to say it. I hate saying it. But the fact of the matter is if you've been trying for more than a year and have had 2 or more concurrent miscarriages, you're dealing with infertility. I feel like "infertility" is such a final word. When you say it, you mean you can't have children, but I can... I did!
I found a website resolve.org that helped me come to terms with the word. I'm not sure what that means about the rest of everything, but God knows...
I can still and am still resting in that.
If you or someone you know is struggling with infertility I encourage them to check out Resolve. Don't hide from your own fears.
If you are close to someone struggling with infertility think before you speak; words do hurt, love them and listen, most importantly be open and honest.
Today is the last day of National Infertility Awareness Week.
A few things happened at the end of last week, that started me down the path of wondering if I might be struggling with infertility or secondary infertility. I looked up some infertility web sites and read some blogs. Once I got passed the word "infertility" then I felt guilty that I have a child and would even suggest to myself that I struggle with infertility.
I don't want to say it. I hate saying it. But the fact of the matter is if you've been trying for more than a year and have had 2 or more concurrent miscarriages, you're dealing with infertility. I feel like "infertility" is such a final word. When you say it, you mean you can't have children, but I can... I did!
I found a website resolve.org that helped me come to terms with the word. I'm not sure what that means about the rest of everything, but God knows...
I can still and am still resting in that.
If you or someone you know is struggling with infertility I encourage them to check out Resolve. Don't hide from your own fears.
If you are close to someone struggling with infertility think before you speak; words do hurt, love them and listen, most importantly be open and honest.
4.28.2011
Patiently wait, Joyfully anticipate
It's 1:45 in the afternoon. In a crumpled heap at my feet is my exhausted 3 yr old. Nap time should have started 45 minutes ago but a morning visit to grandma turned into an afternoon visit to grandma and here we are, exhaustion overtaking my sweet baby. As I struggle to hoist her, now 41 lbs of solid preschooler, I steal a glance at her face wilst rangling her unruly and limp little legs. That face steals my heart again. "oh daughter," I whisper "will you ever know how much I love you?" No, I'm not sure she will, nothing can express the amount of love that fills a mothers heart. I've come close to knowing what my mom feels for me since becoming a mother, but there is nothing like feeling it for yourself.
I soak in her sweet sugary scent, a mix of chocolate chip cookies and rasberry tea left over from the tea party at grandma's house, and instantly I feel myself relax. There is nothing as wonderful as this. The pure joy of carrying my tired little girl from room to room to prepare her for naptime. In the bathroom, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. "I'm 27," I think to myself. 27?! When did that happen?? That means that by the end of this year my sweet baby will be 4 years old. "Stop growing, sweet girl," I whisper once again.
I can not imagine a life different than the one I lead. This child is so wonderful to snuggle, to hug, to kiss. Don't get me wrong... if the story continued the sweet revelry would soon be cut short by the angry voice of a misunderstood preschooler. An outburst caused, I'm sure, by a need for rest.
So once again, I find myself in the strange balance. I love this life. Loving one child is more incredible than I could have ever imagined. Joyfully anticipating homeschooling one child is a greater challenge than I could have ever imagined. Managing home, work, church, life with one child is more difficult than I ever imagined. But I can't shake it, no matter how many times I remind myself I'm more than blessed, I'm more than satisfied. I can't shake that desire for one, two, or three more children.
I know there is a reason for it. I know it is God-given. In the meantime, I patiently wait, and joyfully anticipate.
What do I wait for? What do I anticipate?
Honestly, somedays I don't know.
I patiently wait for, and joyfully anticipate the future - whatever it may be, while not forsaking the present.
I soak in her sweet sugary scent, a mix of chocolate chip cookies and rasberry tea left over from the tea party at grandma's house, and instantly I feel myself relax. There is nothing as wonderful as this. The pure joy of carrying my tired little girl from room to room to prepare her for naptime. In the bathroom, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. "I'm 27," I think to myself. 27?! When did that happen?? That means that by the end of this year my sweet baby will be 4 years old. "Stop growing, sweet girl," I whisper once again.
I can not imagine a life different than the one I lead. This child is so wonderful to snuggle, to hug, to kiss. Don't get me wrong... if the story continued the sweet revelry would soon be cut short by the angry voice of a misunderstood preschooler. An outburst caused, I'm sure, by a need for rest.
So once again, I find myself in the strange balance. I love this life. Loving one child is more incredible than I could have ever imagined. Joyfully anticipating homeschooling one child is a greater challenge than I could have ever imagined. Managing home, work, church, life with one child is more difficult than I ever imagined. But I can't shake it, no matter how many times I remind myself I'm more than blessed, I'm more than satisfied. I can't shake that desire for one, two, or three more children.
I know there is a reason for it. I know it is God-given. In the meantime, I patiently wait, and joyfully anticipate.
What do I wait for? What do I anticipate?
Honestly, somedays I don't know.
I patiently wait for, and joyfully anticipate the future - whatever it may be, while not forsaking the present.
4.27.2011
Blog, blog, blog...
Running a blog is difficult. I grapple with the questions of what should I and shouldn't I post. What is too personal for the blogosphere and who am I willing to share these struggles with? Somehow blogging to the unknowns is much easier than blogging to the knowns.
My purpose in this blog is bringing awareness to secondary infertility, my own personal therapy and outlet, and maybe delivering a place or reassurance and hope for people facing the same challenges.
I know sometimes it is possible in speaking from your heart that sometimes people may be hurt or offended by our words. I will try my best not to write out of my own hurt.
My purpose in this blog is bringing awareness to secondary infertility, my own personal therapy and outlet, and maybe delivering a place or reassurance and hope for people facing the same challenges.
I know sometimes it is possible in speaking from your heart that sometimes people may be hurt or offended by our words. I will try my best not to write out of my own hurt.
The Delicate Balance
Lately I've been finding myself in the delicate balance between two worlds. There is the world of the fertiles and the world of the infertiles. Not too many years ago, when pregnancy came on me if I even thought about reproducing, I never thought I'd be here. But here we are indeed.
Here is our story.
My husband and I found ourselves madly in love after a few short months of dating and after a year long engagement we were married on June 19, 2004. Our 5 yr plan for pregnancy was in place and as soon as the honeymoon hit I was ready to abandon all plans and begin reproducing right away :)... But he stuck to the plan and we used birth control for 2 years. After 2 yrs on birth control I did some research and realized we had moral obligations against birth control and we pursued Natural Family Planning. Being the happily married couple that we were/are we didn't like all the rules and found ourselves pregnant after just 3 months, but at 7 wks and 5 days pregnant I miscarried. We were crushed and devastated, but reassured the miscarriage is common and would most likely not happen again.
We were pregnant again 4 mo later and this time I miscarried at just 6 weeks gestation. Within the next cycle I was pregnant again and miscarried at 5 weeks. We were heartbroken, pregnancy wasn't something that we were planning, but neither was it something we weren't excited about. Each baby was so special and spectacular to us, each life a miracle.
My midwife put me on progesterone and after 4 months I was pregnant again and we were gloriously blessed with a heartbeat at 6 weeks, nausea until 18 weeks, the first kicks at 19 weeks, and a beautiful baby girl just 4 days before Christmas. She is now 3 years old and the epitome of joy and excitement.
When that beautiful bundle turned 18 mo. we again started trying to conceive another baby. Month one was a success and I felt pregnant, nauseaous and wonderful (I even threw up a few times!). But just a week later I began bleeding and I again lost the baby. We tried again unsuccessfully for another year and then SURPRISE out of the blue found out we were again expecting. But after a difficult 3 weeks I again miscarried. It has been almost a year since then and we have still been unable to concieve another child.
So here I am suffering from something called Secondary Infertility. I hate the word infertile, I just plain hate the way it sounds, like we're broken or something. I'm having a difficult time find my place in the world of fertility struggles. I feel like I don't fit with the infertility blogs, these couples have been trying for years with no success and I could never imagine their pain. I have a hard time fitting with the recurrent loss boards, because these women have lost over and over again with no successful pregnancy. I often times feel guilty there for my blessing. But yet, I still feel so lonesome when I read about another friend having another baby. I feel left out when all of us living with one child move on to two or three or four, and here I am - unable to understand life with more than one child, even though I desperately long for more.
I know there are more like me, but where are you?? Are you trying to find the delicate balance as well?
Here is our story.
My husband and I found ourselves madly in love after a few short months of dating and after a year long engagement we were married on June 19, 2004. Our 5 yr plan for pregnancy was in place and as soon as the honeymoon hit I was ready to abandon all plans and begin reproducing right away :)... But he stuck to the plan and we used birth control for 2 years. After 2 yrs on birth control I did some research and realized we had moral obligations against birth control and we pursued Natural Family Planning. Being the happily married couple that we were/are we didn't like all the rules and found ourselves pregnant after just 3 months, but at 7 wks and 5 days pregnant I miscarried. We were crushed and devastated, but reassured the miscarriage is common and would most likely not happen again.
We were pregnant again 4 mo later and this time I miscarried at just 6 weeks gestation. Within the next cycle I was pregnant again and miscarried at 5 weeks. We were heartbroken, pregnancy wasn't something that we were planning, but neither was it something we weren't excited about. Each baby was so special and spectacular to us, each life a miracle.
My midwife put me on progesterone and after 4 months I was pregnant again and we were gloriously blessed with a heartbeat at 6 weeks, nausea until 18 weeks, the first kicks at 19 weeks, and a beautiful baby girl just 4 days before Christmas. She is now 3 years old and the epitome of joy and excitement.
When that beautiful bundle turned 18 mo. we again started trying to conceive another baby. Month one was a success and I felt pregnant, nauseaous and wonderful (I even threw up a few times!). But just a week later I began bleeding and I again lost the baby. We tried again unsuccessfully for another year and then SURPRISE out of the blue found out we were again expecting. But after a difficult 3 weeks I again miscarried. It has been almost a year since then and we have still been unable to concieve another child.
So here I am suffering from something called Secondary Infertility. I hate the word infertile, I just plain hate the way it sounds, like we're broken or something. I'm having a difficult time find my place in the world of fertility struggles. I feel like I don't fit with the infertility blogs, these couples have been trying for years with no success and I could never imagine their pain. I have a hard time fitting with the recurrent loss boards, because these women have lost over and over again with no successful pregnancy. I often times feel guilty there for my blessing. But yet, I still feel so lonesome when I read about another friend having another baby. I feel left out when all of us living with one child move on to two or three or four, and here I am - unable to understand life with more than one child, even though I desperately long for more.
I know there are more like me, but where are you?? Are you trying to find the delicate balance as well?
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