How Will They Remember Me?

The other day Doron had an owie on his toe.  It was tiny, but toddler worthy of a bandaid. You know, a toddler can convince you to put a bandaid on a scar...

I scooped my little boy up, wrapped him in my arms, consoled him with all the words of affirmation he was looking for, settled him into the bathroom with a hug, applied neosporin, and lovingly wrapped that bandaid around his toe.  I figured the bandaid would stay on for about 2 minutes but the love he felt from me caring would last all day.

As I did this, I felt like a really good mom.  I thought, this is how I want to be remembered by my kids.  And I thought about all the great memories I have of my mom.  How she would sit in the kitchen and eat grapes and listen to Dr. Dobson every day at 11:30am.  And how on her days off she would fold laundry and bake cookies and meet us at the door with a smile and a hug.  In the summer she would sit on the porch swing and watch us play while drinking iced tea in our plastic blue cups.  She would sit at the piano and play hymns and sing and tell us that she really wasn't that good at playing piano - but she was always better than me.

And that's how I want my kids to remember me.  To have a bank in their mind full of great memories of a mom that loved them and love to be with them.  My mom never had a phone in her hand, because ours was still attached to the wall and other than talking, you couldn't do anything cool with it.  Even now my mom really only uses her phone to talk to people, sometimes text.  We always knew that when mom was talking to us, she was really talking to us.  There was no wondering if she was preoccupied with another conversation on the side.  She wasn't always looking at her phone.  When she helped us with homework she helped us with homework.  When she stayed up until midnight waiting for us to be home by curfew and then chatted for another hour afterwards - she was really present, tired but present.

I want to be present for my kids.

Contrast my vision of awesomeness with a little reality check.  Yesterday morning my adorably grown up seven year old cooked scrambled eggs and pancakes for everyone once again (frozen pancakes, toaster oven reheated).  She said "I'm the mom!" I laughed and questioned "Oh, what am I then?" her reply stung, but you can't get hurt by childhood honesty - she replied "You're the kid that's always on your phone."

And is it true? kind of.  Am I doing something important on my phone?  maybe.  Am I conversing with a friend?  probably.  Do my children know that they are still the most important thing in my life?  I don't think so.  Not when my phone is always around.  Not when I don't look at them while they are talking to me.  Not when they don't know what I'm doing on my phone, but it must be important since I'm always looking at it.

Hmmmm, do I need to throw my phone away?  No.  But when I sit down and have a big long talk with my girls about active listening, I have to ask myself  'Am I actively listening to others?  Or have my children gained their poor listening and poor communication skills from a lifetime of watching me?'

Food for thought tonight.  It is pretty funny how a year and a half ago, before I got my first smart phone, this never would have even been an issue.  My phone had no value then other than talking and reading a text here and there.

Now, I have to learn how to break all of the bad habits - and protect my family.

Expectations

Sometimes the Lord brews something in my spirit for a really long time.  I feel like he is wanting me to write about it but time and life keep it at bay because I am not given the opportunity to sit and explore his leading.  And then as I wait - days, weeks, sometimes months - to speak what I feel he is calling me to, I am reminded that this word is for me and my life, and sharing it with others is a by-product, or an added bonus.

It has been years in the making that God has been refining my spirit to teach me something I just didn't want to be teachable in.  [This morning Aaron said "honey, you might need to have a teachable spirit in this" and I replied "but I don't WANT to have a teachable spirit in this...]  Aren't we all a little like that sometimes?  I'm pretty sure it has been years that my husband and my mom have been saying this exact same thing.  But it was a few months ago that it hit me in a most unique way.

A good friend offered to take our family pictures.  And the week before was crazy, but in the back of my mind I had our outfit plans running around my mind.  I wanted us to coordinate and look so awesome; "wall perfect".  You know the Pinterest pictures with families that match and smile and just look like they could be in a issue of Better Homes & Gardens...

But it was the night before and I had told my girls "This is one of the few days of the year that I require you to wear what I pick out." and they were okay with that (strangely).  And as the children slept and I lamented whether or not the clothes really matched and I looked around my house it hit me - this is not us.

We don't match, ever.  My girls cycle through the same few dresses every day.  Their hairs aren't always in place, their smiles aren't always perfect.  And I am not raising models.

I decided at that point that all I really wanted were pictures that reflected who we really were.  A mismatched, a little bit messy, and very happy family.  My expectations instantly changed that family pictures would involve laughing, smiling, enjoying ourselves and each other and capturing the way we live our lives.   My biggest goal was that my children enjoyed family pictures.

And that was how the door to my heart was opened on my expectations.  As I have let the thought simmer inside my soul for these past several weeks it has slowly been turning over page after page of areas where my expectations have dampened and even ruined an experience.

As I cleaned out a cabinet yesterday I found a piece of paper from when Z was just turned 1 and I had recently miscarried Isaiah.  It listed out what I was doing in a day, and what I expected I should be able to do.  Whoa - I tell you. Right now I am not doing a single one of those "expectations" and am not even accomplishing some of the day to day things from that list.  Talk about lowering your expectations!    

As I have been learning to let go of my expectations, I have had to learn to trust in God's plan in all of this.  My loss of expectations have left me wondering what am I supposed to do?  In the past, I have been a jump in with two feet kind of a girl, an over committer, a great idea let's do it - but I am learning that my timing, my ideas, my expectations can set me up for failure (or feeling like a failure). But resting in God's timing, his ideas and focusing on his next step and plan has never left me failing but always soaring.

Every day is a step in letting go of my expectations of the day.  A long long time ago - like before I met Aaron - I read Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  Even then the Lord was talking to me about my expectations.  I can plan my course, but in the end God still determines how it may come to be.  In the end, God's plan and purposes will be accomplished.

God is still speaking and brewing this in me.  I still have so much to understand in this whole area and I know that my words may seem like they are lacking a little bit.  I know that, I'm still trying to figure all of this out as well.

Anyone else feel like their expectations have hurt a moment rather than helped it?