I wish I was in my second trimester.

I'm happily away visiting my parents house for the next few weeks.  Us girls have left hubby alone to fend for himself as we vacation in a little slice of paradise... 

I can't help but remember how I had envisioned this trip a few months ago.  Expecting to be nearly 20 weeks pregnant by now, clearly showing and feeling all those kicks and rolls of our 3rd baby. 

Instead, I open my facebook news feed all to often and see posts from pregnant friends that have passed me on my journey.  The ones that stayed pregnant.  I wouldn't wish for anything different for them, but a little piece of my heart aches a tiny bit every time and I sigh and think:

 'I wish I was in my second trimester.' 

I'm stuck in a strange world.  The world at peace, and the world so sad.  The world that forgets that Isaiah will not join our family and the world that is so thankful I was able to spend so much time with him and have a beautiful memorial service for him. 

To think that I was supposed to be so pregnant this time of year, and now it is sometimes hard for me to remember I even was pregnant just a few months ago. It baffles me. 

People ask me how I am, and truly, genuinely, I am good.  Really good, God is so faithful, so constant, so true.  He has never let me down or abandoned me.  I feel his strength when I don't want to go on and his peace when I think the road ahead is too overwhelming.  But in the midst of all of that, I just miss Isaiah. 

That's all there is to it.  I miss him.  The little boy I never had a chance to meet.  The one we didn't plan but were so excited to have.  The one who could have been a playmate for his older cousins and whose big sisters would have dressed him up in fairy costumes and hair bows while he ran around with a sword in his hand and built lego houses. 

I miss him, a lot.  Every day, I miss him. 

So if you ask me how I am, and you can see that I'm truly good, its because I am.

But I still miss my son. 

Set-backs, hurdles, & hoops

All around the merry-go-round the monkey chased the weasel...

Yep, that's how it goes!  I'm the monkey, another child is the weasel... one day it will just POP!  There's the weasel!

But we could be chasing it for a very long time.

Let me start at the beginning of yesterday.  I received a letter in the mail from my insurance regarding the out-of-network provider referral.  In it, I discovered that I was not approved for testing or treatment by and MFM, I was approved for a Consult Only. (Bolded and Underlined, just like that).

After that I called to reschedule my appointment with UofI because of my out-of-state schedule conflict.  After several phone calls, and transfers - I found my way to the right people.  But, they were out for lunch.

A few hours later my call was returned by the Genetic Counselor to just schedule my appointment herself.  Which I thought was pretty nice of her.  I found out that my appointment is not with an MFM only.  My appointment is in their once a month Genetics Clinic, in which my husband and I will meet with the Genetic Counselor, a Maternal Fetal Specialist, and someone else...  (unfortuanately, my mind was a little blown during our conversation to retain what type of doctor the third person is.)  They will sit down with us for an hour, go over everything there is to go over and then give us their recommendations.  We then can go somewhere else to get the tests done if we need to.

Anyway, it sounds hopeful, but also a little disheartening. Since its a once a month deal and I can't make the June clinic, I have to wait until July.  But even then I don't really have a new doctor, or a follow up appointment, or a clear vision of where we go from here.

So there you have it - more chasing, more dreaming.

All for the best I suppose, I'm not ready yet to begin trying for another baby anyway.

And round and round we go

**I wrote this post yesterday, and I will add that I am feeling much better today.  Not so down and worn out by the hormones.  I definitely have a much better perspective today - but these were yesterday's thoughts, and sometimes I do really feel them.**

It's cycle day 2 here and I forgot what this was like.  My last actual period was in January, all other since bleeding has been a subchorionic hemorrhage or my miscarriage.

Believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to this cycle.  For the first time since purchasing it, I get to use my Diva Cup.  Not sure what a Diva Cup is?  Click the link - and then cringe... or if you don't want to know, just stay in the dark.

I was not prepared, however, for the HORMONES.  Oh.my.goodness.  The last week has been a sugar eating disaster, as I try to lead my family towards healthy eating, and then sneak 15 mini snickers after everyone has gone to bed.   Or eat 3 smores at the cookout, or down just 1 more cherry coke.  Yes, my running has taken a significant hit from all the sugar.

This also happens to be the week that our 1 year old has transitioned out of our bed.  The transition has gone so smoothly, so I can't complain - however, she still wakes up to nurse twice a night.  Only now, instead of whipping up my shirt for easy and convenient feeding... I must trudge all the way upstairs.  And I do mean, trudge.

However, she is sleeping better and longer - and my husbands alarm clock no longer wakes her up at 6 am every morning.  Couldn't be happier about that.

Today, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Which is sad really, we slept on new clean sheets last night and they were so soft, I should have woken up happier.

But the cramps, the fatigue, the irritability, everything that accompany's this monthly event is just wearing me down.

On top of everything else, having my period - is just a reminder of everything that was and should be and now isn't.  At least, isn't here.  Isaiah is, he very much so, is.  He just is somewhere else - with Jesus.  With 6 other beautiful babies I have not yet met.  And I'm down because of that.

Down because I wish I was pregnant, down because I wish I was sleeping in my bed on this rainy day, or cuddled up on the couch watching a movie, or not wondering how in the world I'm going to clean my house before this weekend.

Probably mostly down, because when you're on your period - silver linings are very hard to see.  I'm too tired to think clearly and see the other side; that next week I'll feel better.  I won't be tired, the sun will be shining and it will *hopefully* be warm, and my memories and heartaches will find their place in my heart, to be moments of reflection and not hours of sadness.

Don't think I'm not happy.  I love snuggling with my girls on these days, after reading a sad story I draw them close to me, take deep breaths of their sweet scents and sometimes stinky breath and I know very deeply that I treasure them.  That I don't take my girls for granted.  That when Isaiah is not here, and when things seem so frustrating and bleak.  When I look around and have no one close that really understands it all, I know that I have my sweet girls and one day, not too far awa,y if I think in a heavenly perspective, one day - I will draw in the sweet scent of not just 2 babies, but 9.

9.  That number makes my heartache.  I've been pregnant 9 times.

If I ever get pregnant again the question I will be asked at every appointment will be "Which pregnancy is this?"  10. "And how many live children?" 2.

Yes. That will be me.