Just one of those days

Today was one of those days.  You know the kind.  The kind that make you wonder what in the world happened to my angel???  Every move we made today was accented by feet-dragging, finger sucking, blanket holding, whining.  Ugh.  It would go from that extreme to the over the top excited, can't-control-myself, I'm-just-gonna-go-crazy, energy.  The kind of day that makes a fairly mellow mom want to pull her hair out.

Swim lessons were a disaster.  I believe her instructor told me today "this was the worst day for her since lessons started."  Great.  I can tell that the next few stores I have to go to are going to be just awesome. 

I would say that naptime was a highlight of today.  I got a lot accomplished...surprisingly.  And then, yes, there's more.  She woke up from her desperately needed nap and she whined and whined and whined some more....  Too bad I still needed to go back into town to go grocery shopping. 

So following our delicious dinner and clean up, we were finally out the door and on our way to the grocery store.  Where my daughter got shut in the egg case counting eggs in a carton...walked infront of other peoples carts...annoyed old men who have very little tolerance for a cute 3 yr old in a pink dress....danced through the aisles knocking things over with her flailing ballet arms...tried to eat the fresh head of broccoli...knocked over a very large stack of icebreaker mints...pulled up her dress and showed all of the customers her unders...and I smashed my finger with a jar of spaghetti sauce.  That was just store #1. 

By the end of store #2 she had started repeating me in saying "I think I'm going to lose my mind!"

And by store #3 I had my mom on the phone asking me if I was crying...no but if I think about it long enough I might start.

Just one of those days.  But at the end of each store and mommy about to lose her mind I picked up my daughter, gave her a big kiss and said "I love you so much and I am so blessed to have you!  I wouldn't trade you for the world!"

Never has a moment come in her life where for a second I could think of not wanting or having this incredible gift.  Sometimes moms, in their frazzledness make the joke about "selling" their kids.  And I know they're just jokes.  But that joke is a bad one.

Never worth saying, never worth repeating. 

The reason I say that is because one of these days - we won't have our kids any more. 

Yes, they'll always be our kids.  But soon enough they graduate high school, and they'll go on to bigger things.  A and I have always prayed that God would use Am in incredible ways.  We know that he may very well take her far away from here into places that are risky and may put her life in danger.  I have no doubt that that is why she is such an adventurous, risk taking, strong-willed child!  Especially since we specifically prayed for such. 

So, at the end of today, when I sat holding my little girl; snuggled up reading Daisy the Doctor and then cradling her like a baby and singing "I am blessed.  Lord I am blessed..... for all the worst and all the best... I am blessed" because today wasn't the best, although not the worst either... 

But I never want to take a single moment - not one broccoli eating, egg counting, ballerina dancing, tantrum throwing, giggling, hold-you-so-tight-you-can't-walk, MOMMMMMMMMYYYYYY moment for granted. 

A few days ago I had several different posts to write, but I finally have a moment to sit down and write and I can't think of a single one of them. 

This cycle was different than the last several.  I had thought at the end of it that there was a very good chance I was pregnant.  More than afraid, I felt hopeful and excited!  And even now, knowing I'm definately not pregnant, I'm still feeling that hope for the future.  I much more enjoy this feeling than the ones I have let overtake me the past few months.

However, without a pregnancy this cycle brings us to a crossroads.  It is June.  6 months after seeing our doctor, 6 months on baby aspirin.  I had said a few months into this that I wasn't sure how invasive I wanted to go in trying to achieve pregnancy.  Aaron and I have always had a deep desire to adopt.  Infact we always said we'd adopt 2 and have 2.  I do wonder if God's timing is different than ours.  Which leads us to our fork.  Visit the doctor, keep trying - Find an adoption agency, pursue adoption.  Each brings their own set of challenges and difficult decisions. 

On a much lighter note -

My husband and I celebrate 7 years of marriage this coming Father's day! 

Happy Anniversary to us, and a very happy Father's Day to my Hubby!

Authentic and True

We spent last weekend visiting good friends of ours.  She also is expecting.  Her big beautiful belly was there every day, and I was worried I might be envious or say rediculous things I don't really mean.  But none of that happened.  Instead I enjoyed the friendship and bond we have and marveled at the miracle of life forming inside the womb. 

There was no jealousy, no anger, no bitterness; only excitement for her and her soon-to-be gift. 

I'll explain it as best I can.  When I lose my vision for the plans I know God has for us, I begin to doubt the promises he's made to me.  Have you ever known something deep inside of you, it is so true in its authenticity that it might as well be in your hands right now.  That's how I feel about having another baby.  There is an unexplainable truth and reality to me about carrying another child with my body and having more children through adoption.  I know that that reality has only been placed there by God and the promises he's spoken over me.  Nothing else could give me this assurance.

So when the call for healing is made at church or elsewhere, I am hesitant to go forward.

This one thing is at war within me:  If I step forward, am I doubting the promise that has been placed inside of me?  Am I underminding my own God-given peace for a "problem" that may not even exist? 

It battles me every single time. 

Most days I am completely at peace with my position.  A few days out of every month (or more often as you've seen lately) my steps falter and I struggle to hold onto my promise. 

I'm afraid that most of all, what I need healing from is not infertility but instead my own personal lack of faith.  When I'm resting in Christ and holding onto him, everything else falls into place.