Letter of Acceptance and Matching Grant!!!!

The last week and a half has been crazy fun and crazy busy and I have had all these different ideas of things to write about in my head but no time to sit and write.  However, today we received incredibly exciting news!

Our Letter of Intent was sent to China I think October 10 *or very near there*, our Dossier was Logged In at the Chinese Consulate on October 30, and Today on December 29 we received our Letter Of Acceptance!  It is so exciting to see an official document from China with our names on it, our son’s name on it and the official Chinese seal all saying that we have been accepted to adopt this little guy. 

This gives us estimated dates of travel for most likely April, possibly March! 

Also, exciting news is that our Matching Grant has been met!  We have had so many generous donors at this time that we have been able to raise a little over $7,000 at this point! (and funds are still coming in!) so with our Matching Grant included that is $9,000.  God is so good and so faithful.  We know that he will provide the $16,000 we still need. 

All of the prayer and support has been so amazing to us!  We have just been floored by the number of incredibly generous friends and family that have stepped up to help us bring home Doron. 

THANK YOU AND MAY GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU!

Finding rest.

It always amazes me how a little bit of time at the feet of Jesus can give you a whole new perspective.  It's truly refreshing.

Now that I think about it, between illnesses and vacations, it has been over a month since I've been to church.  I wish I could say that I've spent time worshiping at home, but I guess the busyness has gotten a hold of me.  The pressures were overwhelming me, and my focus just wasn't where it was supposed to be.

We were even late to church this morning and missed over half of worship, but still my heart and spirit were refreshed in just 2 songs.  That's how desperate my spirit was.

If you are wondering where your peace has gone; if your heart is desperate for rest - look no further than the rest that can be found in Jesus Christ.  Right now, alone at your computer you can find rest in Him.  All you have to do is ask.

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

If you don't have a church home, and are in or around the Quad Cities, I would love to see you at our church, First Assembly of God in Bettendorf.

Crabby Pants

I have been a crabby pants all week.  (My husband likes to follow this statement up with something about a "crappy pants".  If you know him; this comes as no suprise, I'm sure.)

I thought the week would be great, last week was so hectic and busy that this week was bound to be fantastic.  But the cold virus (that we've been battling in a horrible cycle for 2 months) found our two year old and took her down with great force.  First with an ugly case of viral conjunctivitis, followed by not much sleeping and the inability to nap unless being held by her mother.  This should help you to understand the crabby pants.

In light of the crabby pants, I feel I should share a few lessons from this week.

Lesson #1: Jamberry nails are not as easy as they make them sound.

I bought some Jamberry's for my girls for their stockings this year.  I was so excited, since I have been wanting to try Jamberry for awhile.  When you buy 3 you get 1 free, so of course when they came I decided to try my free pair.  Round 1 was a major fail.  Apparently when heating the sticker thing before applying, you don't heat the adhesive side... that's a really bad idea as it drys out the adhesive.  Round 2 was okay... and Round 3 worked out fairly well.  My theory is that they give you the free pair because they know you're totally going to screw it up the first 3 times.

Lesson #2: Having a child with pink eye makes outings challenging. (as in you can't have any)

Nobody wants your kid's pink eye, even though its a relatively mild and simple disease.  It's actually less horrible than a bad cold, but if you have pink eye you have the plague.  Nobody wants to be around you or your kid.  So, think about drive through restaraunts and hiring a teenager to watch your child so you can take your test at church.  You know.. those things.  But it is so very cute to hear a two year old say "I have a pink eye!"

Lesson #3:  Studying for a final doesn't mean it's going to be easy.

We took our finals for our class at church on Wednesday night this week, and even though we studied, and I was pretty sure I was going to rock that test.  It wasn't easy.  I didn't rock that test.

Lesson #4:  When planning for a ballet rehearsal, or recital, or Christmas play dress rehearsal - don't let the stress get to you.

I am a perfectionist.  (May come as a legit surprise to many of you) But I really like to have my ducks in a row and to be honest... my ducks are so far out of their rows right now they're not even in the same pond.  So when recitals and performances come, my perfectionism FREAKS.  Like "You are not allowed to talk while I do your hair because it breaks my concentration" freak.  Poor kid.  (Aren't you glad I'm not YOUR parent??)  Anywho - I seem to notice that the other parents just.don't.care that much.  Why is this?  Didn't they read the note?   And when they see they did it wrong, they still don't care.  I want to be like them.  This is something I have to learn.  How do I just not care so much?

Lesson #5:  Some people are just not very nice.

We encountered on Friday a woman who thought she would take it upon herself to correct my child for doing something wrong.  Problem is; I was right there.  My child wasn't doing anything wrong.  I was taking care of the non-situation.  Mama Bear reared her head in protection and defense of her child.  My child was genuinely embarrased by the situation.  And I am still trying to figure out whether I handled it correctly or what I should have done differently.  It took me a solid 24 hours to cool down.  And I came to the realization that parenting is really hard.  I've talked the situation through with my child, and she is okay, but sadly I am not.  And I think I can remember this happening when I was a kid.  That my mom had those times when she just wanted to defend and protect us, and when someone else does that damage, beyond making sure our child is okay - you can't really undo the damage.  It's really hard.  I'm really sad that people don't know their boundaries or what is an appropriate and inappropriate way of speaking to a child (or anyone for that matter).

Lesson #6:  I need to give myself more grace for weeks like this one.

It was a big week, a lot happened.  Next week is destined to be bigger as we get closer to Christmas.  I'm going to need a lot of sleep and a lot of patience.  Thankfully we are starting to get over our colds, hopefully we can keep them away for the next few months.  And with a little more grace, and a lot more patience, and hopefully some good sleep - next week will be better than this week.

On the adoption front, we are in the painful process of waiting.  This is all normal, what we were told to expect, but it doesn't make these days seem any faster.  It is especially difficult as we know our little one is living without a family and we are here celebrating with our family, just one short.  Please pray for our son this Christmas.  We would love to hear news very soon that we will be bringing him home in a few months.  Pray for us too as we prepare our home and our family to bring him here to us.

Don't Forget Your Joy

As I sit here at 4:18, typing quickly before the children decide they are incapable of playing by themselves upstairs and they ambush me with pleas to play on the computer, I'm trying desperate to suck in these few moments of peace.  deep breaths, relax...

only 4 hrs till bed time, well technically only an hr and a half until we leave for church.  I can do this.  Praise God for church tonight (literally, we'll praise God and THANK YOU, GOD, SO MUCH FOR CHURCH NURSERY STAFF!!! Tonight, I may kiss you.)  Of course, our toddler isn't in love with your belly button and her pull up will be on the whole time, so I'm sure you'll tell me she was an angel, just like always - but for me - tonight - you're the angel.

It's been a day that started out so wonderful!  Zemirah pooped in the potty, TWICE! Both times on her own without any prompting from me.  And then we mixed cookie dough together, I even spoke kindly to my children the whole time.  It was 11:30 though and I needed to go pick up potatoes from a friend so that we could have dinner tonight.  So, instead of starting another batch of cookies, we headed over there.

When we got home, I forgot to ask Z to use the potty... and then, her bladder forgot to use the potty.  So her ballet leotard (the most prized of all clothing items) had to go in the wash, and Mommy had to clean up pee..off the couch...off the clean laundry...

Z went down for a nap.  I broke my "no movies before 3pm on school days" rule and let Am watch a movie so I could clean up the kitchen and take a shower.  But then I got sucked into Am's movie, Am went to the library with Grandma, I quick paid a bill and jumped in the shower.  But Z woke up, and joined me in the shower.  So I forgot to wash my body.  Then we cut out our cookies from the dough we made earlier in the day.  But POWDERED SUGAR IS JUST SO MUCH FUN, the kids thought.  So, Amariss would rub her hands in it and clap fervently to make it snow.  And mommy started to lose it.

The cookies are baked, today really hasn't been so awful.  Infact so many people have had worse days than me so far.  I was celebrating our wins; poop in the potty, cookies baked, some cookies broken so we get to eat them!  and then came the cry from upstairs.

MOOOOOMMMMMYYYYY!!!!! ZEMIRAH POOPED ON THE FLOOR!!!!!

I grabbed a pack of wipes and went upstairs and found a toddler squatting on the floor in full on poop position.  "Zizi, we don't poop on the floor, we poop in the potty."  I calmly stated.  I stood her up and guided her out of the way.  She stepped in it (oh no! I panicked inside) she stepped down.  Trying to stay as calm as possible I cleaned off her foot and sent her on her way to clean up the turds staring me in the face.  Before I knew it she sat down, and a messy poo butt smeared across more carpet.  My heart sank.  It's a never ending battle.  Then she said "Mommy, I peed on that blue chair!"  oh, great.

I sit here, calmed down, being fed plastic baby hands by the toddler who commited the above offense.  She's so sweet, so cute.  Asks adorable questions over and over and over again.  She brought me a baby in a box as a present.  If you could hear her sweet voice you would just smile with delight.  She is such a joy to our lives.  I can't let frustrating days, or frustrating moments steal away my joy in my position as a mother.

Sometimes it is so very hard.  I don't like finding myself on my knees cleaning up more pee, more poop, more spilled sugar or flour.  I don't like recleaning a mess because I wanted my oldest to learn how to clean it up the first time.  In a moment of frustration tonight I spouted off to my husband that I was just so jealous of him, getting to leave the house and have someone else clean up the big messes.  (in all honesty, poop really freaks him out, so it's probably for the best that this is usually my job)...

I don't want to lose my joy.  I don't want to lose the ache I felt in my heart during the first few days of this sweet girls life in my womb of pleading "God, please, let me keep her!!"

Toddler twos and threes can be so hard, so trying, so exhausting... but in there somewhere is a sweet kiss (but don't try for two!), a sweet smell, a sweet snuggle.  It might drive me nuts that she loves my bellybutton when I'm trying to run around the kitchen and she's following me with a hand up my shirt.  But, she only wants my bellybutton, and that is a sweet blessing.

She just found her wings that she's been looking for for days.  Her sweet voice "I found my wings! I found my wings!  I'm flying!  It's working! It's working!"  oh sweet Z, I love you.  

Remembering all that you have done....

We're at the start of the hustle and bustle season, the one that reminds you that there is no such thing as a quick trip to Walmart, or getting everything on your to-do list accomplished.  It's cold outside and blustery and I could stand in a hot shower until the hot water runs out and my back itches, but its so worth it just to feel WARM.

It's that season, the one without a free second to think about anything other than what you have to do today, tomorrow, and before then next Christmas party.  The one that makes me consider giving up homeschooling because I'm not sure how to do school when there is so much Christmas to do.

I do love this season, though.  It's full of crafts, dancing, singing, joy, and so much sugar.  All in celebration of something truly wonderful, the birth of Christ.

Today, though, as I stood in that shower much longer than I should have, I was remembering dear friends.  The ones that have moved away, or life has gotten between us.  Our friendship still runs deep but its been so long since we really talked or spent time together,  Many live too far away for this to happen, and a few, we just can't find time in our schedules.  But each of these dear friends have impacted my heart so deeply in so many ways.

I have the good friends who came up to visit impromptu, the day they heard I was miscarrying, the friends that went swimming with us while we waited for an impending miscarriage, the cousin that sent me cards for months after my first loss, just to let me know she was thinking of me.  There was the impromptu box of sunshine that appeared at my door two weeks after we lost Isaiah, and the blue and yellow flowers that showed up on his due date.  There are the friends that were with us when we started to miscarry our second baby, the ones that held us as we cried and prayed over us as we headed for home.

It is strange to me that these would be the things that come into my head while I'm in the midst of the Christmas season and in the midst of all our adoption preparations. But I guess I am reminded that people are what really matter.  Whatever impact you make for a family who has lost a child, you are making a lasting impact.  Whether your relationship with them is close or not, they will never forget your kind gesture.  A card, flowers, a meal.  They go the distance in healing a hurting heart.

If you know a family who is experiencing, or has experienced the loss of a baby, in pregnancy or soon after, do something to show that you care.  It doesn't have to be showy or expensive, even a simple card to show you're thinking of them can bring some level of comfort.

As always, follow these guidelines for things NOT to say and TO say when someone has lost a baby.

Matching Grant from Lifesong!

I mentioned in our last post that we have received a matching grant through Lifesong for Orphans for $2000!  This is super exciting, and I am happy to announce that we now also have a donate button on our page.  Over on the Side Bar directly under "About Me"  -------> You can donate to our adoption through Lifesong.  100% of your donation will go directly to us.  Please note though that Paypal charges and administrative fee (2.9%+ $.30 USD) and your donation will be decreased by this amount.

Big News, Big News, and Even Bigger News!!!!

First of all, a huge THANK YOU to everyone who participated in our raffle fundraiser, either by buying tickets or making meals!  Your gift means so much to us.

All in all we raised...drum roll please....

$1920!!!!

That's amazing!  

What is also amazing is that we have been approved for a $2000 matching grant through Lifesong for Orphans!  This means that when we raise $2000 by December 31 they will match it! (this does not include the money we have already raised through the raffle) We have also been approved for the Both Hands project!  We will be getting you more information next week on how you can donate to our matching grant or be involved with our Both Hands project.  Such an exciting time for us!!

Also....

In a very short amount of time we have gotten our 797, which is an important piece of paper, and submitted it for all it's things it has to do.  Next step?  DOSSIER TO CHINA!

I'm not sure if that means anything to you, probably not - but it does to us!  Your dossier is your final stack of paperwork that goes to China, from that - they can approve us.

That happened today!!  Today our dossier was sent to China and will probably be logged in by the CCCWA (Chinese welfare system) in 3-4 weeks!  After that we wait 2-4 months (insert sad impatient waiting face here) for our LOA our Letter of Acceptance from the Chinese government, the final piece of paper that officially approves our match -  Why a Letter of Acceptance?  Does it sound like we missed a step???

It does because:

THE MOST EXCITING PART IS.....

We've been matched with a child!  We have a little boy waiting for us in China!  He has a name and an age and we have a picture and everything!  Now that our dossier has been sent to China he will be notified that he has a family, although he's little so he won't know for sure what this means - but we can send him a photo album and cards and even a CD for him to listen to at bedtime and naptime!!

oh be still my heart and make this time fly.

Now, I'm sure you have a lot of questions (most of which I can't answer over the internet), so I'm going to do my best to give you the answers you need to know.

How long now?  Well, we still don't really know.  Most likely between 6-8 months.

Why so long?  There are still a lot of paperwork processes to work with.  Lots of children are waiting to join their families, and we've just jumped in line.

Anything you can tell us about your little boy?  Not much online :)  I won't be sharing pictures of him on here, releasing his name, or anything else personal about him during this time and our post placement period.

Thank you so much for all of your understanding and excitement!  Thank you also for partnering with us in our adoption!  Many of you have expressed your desire to partner with us in this financially, we are so so grateful for you.  For all of you who are praying for us, thank you thank you thank you!  We need so many prayers right now as we navigate paperwork, time, finances, and preparing to bring home our little boy.

Lifesong for Orphans Advocate Blogger and Orphan Sunday

If there is one thing that has changed over this past year and going through this incredible journey to bring home our son, is that my heart for the orphan is only growing.

Out there, in this great big world is a little boy, sleeping alone in a crib tonight, in a room full of cribs he sleeps.  Who will rock him to sleep?  Who will soothe his tears?

I think of my little one often when I hear this song by JJ Heller -

This world is unfortunately full of orphans.  Full of little ones, like mine, that are alone tonight.

I'm going to be honest, I'm a terrible blogger.  You already know that.  I can hardly remember to write, but I've made the decision to partner with Lifesong for Orphans to be an advocate blogger.  One more way I can reach more people to bring awareness to orphans,

You'll notice I've added a new button to the side bar -------->

And every so often you'll get a new blog post from me, sending you to Lifesong's page.

Please, get involved - hear the cry of the fatherless.  Not everyone can adopt, but everyone can do something. (quoted from Orphan Justice)

My first Lifesong advocate blogger post is about Orphan Sunday!  Coming up on November 2, check out this post to see 4 way that you can get involved!

4 Way to Engage in Orphan Sunday

Screen Free Time

Screen Free Time is something most people are familiar with.  (and I know I should not end that sentence with a preposition.)  Here in our house SFT usually comes when I just can't take the screens anymore.

Many of you know that we homeschool - if you didn't, now you know - we homeschool.  (Which by the way is one word even though spell check is constantly trying to correct me. click here)  There are so many reasons a family chooses to homeschool, and ours, like many families is a combination of reasons.  I won't go into them right now, but I just wanted to throw that out there.  This post is actually about Screen Free Time.

It seems when we start out the school year I'm usually "super-mom".  I am on top of school.  I am on top of the house.  I am on top of everything.  We follow our schedules.  I prepare things the week before and then the night before, and I feel great!  And then about two weeks in I start to stumble, we let a couple of things slide.  Then three weeks in some more things slide, and by week six - we're in a bad spot.

Well, week six was last week for us and let me tell you, by the end of the week I was about to sign my daughter up for public school.  The problem was not my first grader.  No, she's great!  Doing her assignments, not complaining, enjoying school - the problem was ME!

Our schedule is gone.  My organization is gone.  My house is a mess and climbing back up the ladder of success seems like such a long hard climb.

So, we made a new rule for school days.  All school days are screen free from 8 am - 3 pm unless it is an educational website that has to do with our math, science, or some other assignment.  This eliminates two BIG problems we have - the constant whining and asking to watch a movie or play a computer game and then me losing track of time and letting them watch another movie and play another game... which can wrap into more time than we intended.

Today is our first day screen free.  (I also said that this rule does not apply to me, because much of my other home activities involve some sort of screen) Although, right now this blog writing is just therapy.

Can I be honest though, so far today has been awesome!  I feel like super mom again, even though the house is still a big mess.

Another thing I did today that I'm going to try and keep up with is keeping a bowl of healthy snack food out on the table.  This morning I cut up a melon and left it out with a plastic wrap over it.  Every time the girls whine that they're hungry I send them to the table for a bite of melon.  It has been awesome!  They just go and eat it - and they stop whining.

Today I also mandated that we spend time outside running around.  So we got out the soccer ball and set up some goals and played a rudimentary game of soccer.  And I officially lost.  We ran around and got hot and sweaty and tired for an hour!

After lunch we sat and Amariss read to me while I picked through her hair and then we switched and she picked through mine.  We were pretending we were monkeys looking for bugs.

I know that not all days (infact, most days) will not be like this, but today it feels pretty nice to have a good day and remember that its okay that we had a bad week last week.  It won't be our last one, but it wasn't our first - this is just a part of life.

I'll let you know how we feel at the end of the week.

Any other homeschooling parents have bad weeks?  How do you handle them?

Moving along, like a turtle. And other random thoughts...

I had every intention of being a great blogger - one of those awesome webpages that is graphically appealing and is updated every evening with beautiful photos and words depicting a wonderful life.  

In truth, our life is wonderful - for the most part.  I mean nobody has a perfect day every day.

But I want to formally offer my apologies for any broad claims I've made about "keeping my blog updated" or "posting often".  

It's just not gonna happen.

Also, my blog isn't going to look cool.  I'm not a photographer, and I spend more time cleaning up the mess of the moment and worrying about how my messy fingers, or someone else's, might ruin the camera.  I tried today, though.  We made moonsand together - me and the girls.  And I took a couple pictures of it too!  I even wanted to upload them, but our computer is running really slow tonight (which means I’m actually uploading this post 3 days after writing it).  So, it's going to be a boring picture-less blog.  And I got moonsand on the camera.  And the driveway has a lot on it too.

A lot of people have been asking how our adoption is coming along and get really excited when I say "It's coming along!"  or "We're in process!" or "We're waiting on our USCIS paperwork right now!"  They follow this up with "Does that mean you get to bring your little boy home soon?!"  or "So where is your son right now?"

I think I disappoint them a little with my answer.  So, for clarification -   

This isn't a speedy process.  

However, we are moving along and that is VERY exciting news for us!  One thing we have learned and are continuing to learn, and will continue to learn even more - is patience.  This is a waiting game.  

We completed our home study at the beginning of August (YAY!!!) and then mailed our I800-A to the USCIS a little over a week ago and today I received confirmation that they received it.  Lead times here can be up to 12 weeks.  The I800-A is the governments pre-approval for us to travel overseas to adopt a child.  Getting this pre-approval (the 797) will get us much closer to submitting our dossier (paperwork) to the Chinese Consulate in the U.S. and then it will go to China.  At any point we could be assigned our child, but this isn't likely to happen before our dossier is submitted to China.  There are a lot more documents to be filed and wait for before we get to travel and bring home our son.  But at this point each small step is a step in the right direction.  

Thank you for praying for us and with us!  Thank you for being excited with us!  

We are still selling raffle tickets for our fundraiser until September 25!  So if you'd like to purchase raffle tickets for our freezer full adoption fundraiser let me know!!  Tickets are $5/1 or $20/5   and if you'd like to help by selling raffle tickets to your friends/neighbors/coworkers let me know and I will mail you several!  I just need all money and tickets returned to me by September 25.  Again, this is limited to the QCA area.  

Summer Fun...

It has been an absolutely crazy busy summer for us.  I can't believe that it is already August and some kids in our area will be starting school again next week.  We started home schooling Am again, beginning in July.  We have a busy school year ahead of us so we decided to get a jump start!

This summer we also have been working on our home study for our adoption.  We have finished our home visits and are waiting now on the finalization of our home study!!  This is so incredibly exciting for us and means we can start finishing our dossier for all of the necessary things it needs.

So far this summer we have experienced an unexpected gall bladder surgery, a trip to Arkansas for two weeks, 4 home study visits, A weekend visit with Aaron's Dad and his wife, and we began school in July!  It has been so busy and summer isn't over yet!  We still plan to hit the pool a few more times despite it being much more chilly than we expected it to be for summer and have a couple of more weekend vacations planned.

We are in the midst of our Freezer Full Adoption Fundraiser and are excited about the interest!  You guys are helping us bring home our little boy!  Thank you so very very much from the bottom of our hearts!

Here are a few pictures from our summer:

Amariss rode a horse like she'd been doing it her whole life!
Truly, this is her first time riding horse by herself and she loved it!

This little girl takes after big sister and absolutely loves water!

Her roller blades are her absolute favorite! (even though it doesn't look like it in this picture)

I couldn't resist!  She looked so cute on the 4th of July!

These two sisters are always making me laugh with their silly ways.

In true Amariss fashion, she was able to find a baby blue jay and show him much love.
I was able to coax her into putting him back although she insisted we needed to raise him.

Enjoy the rest of your summer!  We will keep you updated as our adoption plans continue to unfold!  We cannot wait to meet our little boy!  Thank you for all of your prayers and support!!!

Remembering

July is when Aaron and I remember four anniversaries of miscarriages from the past 8 years.  Half of our miscarriages have occurred in July, it has no longer become dates for us, but throughout the whole month it rests in the back of our minds.  Our first miscarriage occurred on July 20, 2006.

I know I've written often about our miscarriages and our anniversaries.  We are now 8 months from our last miscarriage, so for us it feels strange.  8 months doesn't seem like long, but when you are back to back miscarriage to pregnancy - infertility to miscarriage - pregnancy to miscarriage - adoption to pregnancy - miscarriage to adoption, you feel like you're on a roller coaster.

Right now we are in the early stages of our adoption.  It feels a lot like being at the end of your first trimester, you are finally ready to accept this pregnancy and believe this baby is really going to come home.  You still have a long way to go, your ultrasound is still months away, but you are excited.  Meeting your baby someday seems real.

So to be remembering these anniversaries while being in a strange state of "pregnancy" leaves me feeling surreal about them all.  Like I can look back and say, "Wow, God - look what you did and look where you are taking us!"

I love this song by Matt Redman:

Never Once

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

The words echo exactly what my heart feels, like we are standing on a mountaintop, looking back on all that we went through or that we're kneeling on the battleground, remembering the war that was fought and all that our hearts experienced.  I feel like we can look at our hearts and see our own scars and our muscles bear the strength of the struggle. But through it all - and I've always said this - never once did we not feel God's love, his faithfulness, his strength carrying us through it all.

I remember pregnant with Zemirah, just weeks after our 6th miscarriage, reading and owning 

2 Timothy 2:13 "If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself."  

I felt so faithless, I had no confidence that that pregnancy would bring me a baby in my arms.  I knew God was good, I knew he was faithful and I knew that when I went through another miscarriage I would survive.  I am thankful that God had different plans for the little life growing inside of me.  

This July we remember the lives of our little ones in heaven.  Amariss speaks often and openly about her brothers and sisters in heaven.  Their lives hold value to her and to us.  They are a part of our family and someday we will meet them, hold them, and pour on them all the love we have missed.  

I am so thankful that this July we celebrate all of our children;

Baby K, Tiny, Itty Bitty, Amariss, Cinco, Woven, Bunnin, Zemirah, Isaiah, Little One, and our soon to be Baby Boy.  

Amariss found and loved on a baby blue jay yesterday.

Zemirah danced and praised Jesus with me this morning.

Freezer Full Adoption Fundraiser!

We have officially launched our next Adoption Fundraiser!!  I am super excited about this one because you have the opportunity to win 30 Freezer Meals!  That is an entire month's worth of dinner, already bought, already made  - all you have to do is throw it in the oven or crockpot.

Seriously.

So here it goes...

Raffle Tickets are officially on sale now through myself, my husband, or one of a few wonderful friends who have volunteered to sell tickets too!  If you would like to sell raffle tickets let me know!  The more the better, as we can all reach different people!

All proceeds go towards our adoption!

Tickets are $5/1 or $20/5

Tickets will be on sale through September 25th and the drawing will take place on September 26th!

Unfortunately, because of the nature of this fundraiser, it is restricted to local friends.  :(  But don't worry, we're working on another fundraiser for later that will be nationwide!

Thank you all so much for your support during our adoption process, we can not wait to bring home our little boy!!

10 years of marriage.

Earlier this year I was gifted a book by a very dear friend of mine.  The book is Delight-full, 31 Days to a Happier Baby...And Wholehearted Motherhood.  It is a lovely book written by a really busy and joyful mom.  She has eight children and writes about simple and practical ways to add joy and delight to your parenting journey.

One particular chapter she tells a story about her wedding dress.  As I read it though, I could clearly in detail imagine exactly what happened because just two years ago I experienced the exact same thing.  spoiler alert: This might give away this particular chapter, but it is still worth the read.

She tells the story of her daughter discovering and opening her wedding dress that had been so carefully and meticulously wrapped and sealed.  And then her daughter opening her wedding dress, taking it out, and putting it on and joyfully exclaiming about how beautiful she was.  This is exact situation happened to us when Am was about 4 years old.  For years I had gotten the box out and we had looked at the dress through the window, and then we would put the box away again.  And one day I heard a happy exclamation of pure delight when my little girl said "Mommy!  Come Look!!"  I ran upstairs, curious as to what had her so happy and I - flipped my lid.

My face fell, my expressions did not mimic my daughters.  As joy emanated from her depths anger was boiling up from mine.  "Amariss! What are you doing???!?!?"  I exclaimed.  And the rest is history.  I gave her a punishment totally unfitting of the crime of wearing my wedding dress.  I was angry for way too long.

The precious box my dress had been stored in was demolished, and my wedding dress had no special home until my daughters were grown.

But when I read this strikingly similar story in Kate's book, I found a new perspective.  I've long since gotten over the wearing of my wedding dress, but my dress is still special to me and I want it to be special to my girls.  Kate tells us in her book of what she decided to do when her daughter opened up her wedding dress.  I wish my reaction had been similar.

Kate and her husband decided to make wearing Mommy's wedding dress a special occasion.  Every year, on their anniversary, they get out Kate's dress and the girls get to put it on and play in it.

I realized that my girls will probably out grow me by the time they are 12 (bless their sweet Daddy), so keeping my wedding dress for them until they are adults is an unrealistic idea.  I remember fitting my mom's wedding dress when I was 15 and modeling it for a mother-daughter night at church.  It was so incredibly fun.

So we have decided to pick up the Collins' tradition of wearing Mommy's wedding dress on our anniversary.

Today, my husband and I are celebrating 10 years of marriage.  I am so thankful for the man I married.  I think back through all we have been through in the last 10 years, and I cannot believe the ways we have changed.  I am so thankful that we have grown together through all of it and not apart.  I am so thankful that at the end of everyday when we curl up together, exhausted, that we feel each others love.  I am so thankful that when I woke up from anesthesia from my surgery a few weeks ago I couldn't stop crying because "I just love Aaron so much!" (yep.  that's what I woke up saying)  I am so thankful that Aaron has taken the role of priest of our home very seriously, and that he seeks God in every decision he makes.  I am so thankful that he challenges me and encourages me.  He is an incredibly outgoing man, and his love for people is something I need to learn.  He is confident and gracious.  I am so thankful that I married him.

This morning I had the girls try on my wedding dress.  They were so beautiful and they had so much fun!

If you think the "soft" around her is a special added effect, you can think again.
This is what happens when you have a toddler.  Need to clean the camera lens again!
Z - 2 yrs old

She thought this was an amazing experience. She posed perfectly.
Am - 6 yrs old

10 years with the love of my life.  So very thankful that God has blessed us with these two beautiful babes, I can't wait to see what the rest of our lives will look like.

Home study started? Check.

Public writing is so difficult.  There are so many things you want to say but just shouldn't.  There are times when all you can say is things you shouldn't say, so you don't say anything.  And then there are times when you have so much to say but don't know how to say any of it.

I've learned over the years, and even this week, that sometimes we need to keep our writings to ourselves.  These precious thoughts rambling around in our heads aren't always good to be shared.  Today I have thoughts, lots and lots of thoughts and probably none of them should be shared.  I had a hard time remembering my password to log in to blogger today.  It might have been God's way of not letting me in to write.  Or atleast making me double think the decision to write.

Really, how important is blogging?  I need sleep, lots and lots of sleep.  And instead of sleeping, I'm blogging.  There is reason enough to log out right now.

Here is my brief and uninteresting adoption update:

We have started our home study!!  Last week we had our first visit with our social worker and it was great!

I'm sure I could come up with more interesting stuff to say but that's about it.  I am so very very tired.

Have a great night, week, and possibly month!

Maybe by the time I write again we'll be finished with our home study!!  That would be pretty cool.

The Strawberry Patch

I spent some time pulling weeds in the strawberry patch this morning.  The clouds were threatening rain but other than a few stray drops, we enjoyed the sounds and smells of spring.  I always feel that there are so many lessons to be learned when you are gardening.  Beyond the obvious lessons of what to and not do while gardening, there are the life lessons placed by God in the soil, the plants, the creatures.  It amazes me.

This year we really don't have the time to do a big garden.  I bought a few tomato & pepper plants, but other than that I'm just maintaining the strawberries, hoping the rabbits don't eat them before we get our fence up.

Our strawberry patch was looking rather neglected and when I started out this morning with my nearly 2 year old and my spade, my intent was really just to dig up the huge dandelions that were stifling their growth. But out there with what were the big huge obvious weeds, was also lots and lots of crab grass.

The interesting thing about crab grass is that it really doesn't look that bad.  Afterall, it's just grass.  Kind of pretty if you think about it.  But crab grass is sneaky, you might have 1 shoot of grass sticking up, and you go to pull it and it is stuck tight in the ground.  Crab grass sends shooters underneath the surface of the soil, pulling it is an often futile effort, rarely can you actually pull out the roots.  It was for this very reason that I hadn't bothered with it for awhile.  It's a lot of work to pull up crab grass!

But when I got to the strawberry patch I could see that what I thought was harmless grass growing, was really a monster and in the patches where it was heaviest there were hardly any strawberry plants growing.  So I got pulling, and while I pulled I thought (which is why I love gardening so much!).

Remember the parable of the weeds and the seeds?  There are a couple of them, here is the one I'm referring to:

Matthew 13:1-9

13 That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake. 2 Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat in it, while all the people stood on the shore. 3 Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root.7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. 9 Whoever has ears, let them hear.”

"Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants."  My crab grass isn't exactly thorns, or even as menacing as dandelions, to the human eye.  But as I was sitting there, pulling and pulling, and my fingers were getting a little raw, I thought about how often it isn't the GIANT sins that keep us from growing as Christians.  It isn't the blatantly obvious weeds in our lives that impair our ability to produce fruit.  A lot of times it is the little things that take a little root and send a shooter under the surface.  No one can see the intricate web of  destruction tearing at our hearts beneath our facade.  Our sin might not be that bad, it might even look a little pretty - but underneath, when we let it grow out of control it will take over our lives, choke out the good in us and prevent us from growing fruit.  Prevent us from living out the fruit of the Spirit in our lives.  Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control - Galatians 5:22-25.

What are the things in your life that our choking out your fruit?  And how can you start pulling these weeds today?  If you never start, they'll only continue to take over your strawberry patch.  

Isaiah, we remember you.

It's hard to believe where we were just a year ago.  The weather was certainly nicer than it has been, but the weather isn't really what's on my mind.  It was a year ago that I woke up early in the morning to cramping in a regular pattern.  The cramps became more and more intense: paralyzed by pain, my mind couldn't comprehend what was really happening, while my husband prayed for a miracle.

Isaiah, we met you too soon.  You're not just a number in a line-up of recurrent miscarriages for us.  You're a God-given reminder of life given and life taken away.  You put life to the lives of those like you that have been lost.  You put a face and a name to children whose faces and names have not yet been seen or heard.

We have survived, although I wasn't sure I could.  We have recovered, but will never forget.

As we move on to the next phase and stage of our lives, we see reminders of you everywhere we go.  Spring brings blossoms of bleeding hearts just over where your body rests.  A small statue will be placed outside soon, to mark where we laid our eyes upon you one last time.  Oh little boy, you were wanted.  You were cherished.  We live full, happy lives here, but yearn for the days when we are a complete family; when in heaven there are no more tears, no more sadness; where we see all of our children, completely whole.

It is hard to believe, with where we are now, that it has only been one year since we felt so much pain.  It was so difficult for me to imagine being the same again.  It was difficult for me to imagine not saying your name every day.  Darling, I still think of you, nearly every day.  I still miss you, nearly every day.  My days and life are full, but you are still missing.

I am happy, I am joyful, but I will never not miss having you in my life.

11 weeks gestation

Open/Closed

God opens doors, and God closes doors.  Last January we began pursuing adoption for the first time.  We were told not to pursue an adoption to China until later on in the year because of my age.  Last March we found out we were expecting Isaiah, last May we miscarried.  Last November we began pursuing a domestic adoption, a few days later we found out we were pregnant again, a few days later we found out we would miscarry again.  We waited.  We prayed.  We fasted.  We needed to know adoption was really what we were supposed to do.  And then in early March we began the process again, only the agency we had chosen for our domestic adoption had closed its program temporarily.  And so we find ourselves back at the beginning, only a year and 3 months later.  We are currently pursuing an international adoption from China. (Yay!)

I must say though, we are at the very beginning of this process, and so we still have a very long road ahead of us.  I have a new respect for anyone who has ever adopted.  It is not at all like I expected.  In my mind I keep going over stages of adoption and how they are similar to stages of pregnancy or trying to conceive, except they're just a little bit different, but the emotions are similar.  You want to be excited, but you know you have a long way to go and a lot to do and you're afraid something could still go wrong - but you press on, knowing that in the end it will all be worth it when you look into your child's eyes and know that they are yours and you are theirs.

How we got here from October/November, is a long story and hopefully I will sit down and be able to clearly write it out for those who are interested in reading it.  Above is just a tiny nutshell of how we ended up on this journey.  Although difficult, it is truly the journey Aaron and I feel we are supposed to be on, I'm sure that it will be hard - in fact I know it is going to be hard.  But one step at a time, and with lots of patience, we will get there.

There are a lot of details I won't be able to share publicly on this blog or facebook, for that I am sorry.  I know it feels like I leave everything so vague and open-ended.  I still have to read over things again and see what it is I can and cannot share.  

We will be having our 2nd garage sale fundraiser for our adoption on May 3!  I am very excited and hoping that early spring brings a good crowd.  We are not getting more donations for this one, we have a full basement of leftovers from the last garage sale.  However, prices are ALL REASONABLE OFFERS ACCEPTED - so, please come and invite everyone you know!  Since everything has been donated, whatever isn't gone will be donated to area shops, my basement doesn't have space for more things.

Above all, will you please continue to pray that God opens the doors we are to walk through, and closes the ones we are to not.

I'm struggling to not start this post off like the last several... "Well, it's been awhile" ?

But seriously, it has.  You probably haven't noticed the absence as much as I have.  My blog following is very small and probably for the very reason that there is little of interest to read.  This could be because my life is not interesting or dramatic - OR - (and this is probably more true) I am swarming in lists of things to do and the catharsis of writing falls low, and then often times my writings are more for me than for you.  Sorry to say (well, not really) but some things are private and most of our lovely lives has not met the eye of public scrutiny and for good reason.  Also, if my children are awake and I'm trying to write, either one or both of them thwart my attempts at getting them to play nicely with each other and I end up with either one or both of them on my lap.  Such has happened now, so I may have to abandon this post at a moment's notice, thus leaving it unfinished and further proving why the posts are so few and far between.

I don't even know where to start an actual post.  I have a lot on my mind right now.  As far as the adoption plans go I could talk for hours on what God is teaching me through all of this, and tell you in about 5 seconds that nothing has changed at this point.  I don't know exactly how this journey is supposed to look, but each day it is a little more glaringly obvious that it won't go the way I had planned it to, but I guess that's how our lives have always been.  Brie's playbook never did have all the best plays.

As far as miscarriage, loss, all that is and will be in the world - today my heart is sad.  A friend got crushing news today and I find myself wishing I could fight this battle for her.  Wishing that somehow, someway, in all there is in this world - this was not the news she received today.  That her world would be full of tears of joy and rejoicing and triumph instead of a crushed and aching heart.

It just makes me want to cry out!  Why does it have to be like this for her?  And I hug my girls, I dance with them, I laugh with them, I sing to them, and I hold them and my heart aches.  I have two miracles, I can not ever take that for granted.  Loss after loss, heartbreak after heartbreak; I have these two.  Why can't she have this?  Why not?

In all of this, in all these years - I have learned more than ever the value in loving, and treasuring what you have.  Do I want more?  Oh yes, I want more - but if I don't, if I never - these two, they are enough.  My heart is more than full.  And if, oh how my heart would break, if I lost these two - I hope that I would say that He is enough.  That the creator of life, the giver of all good things, He truly is enough to fill and satisfy me.

Please pray for my friend today.  Her heart is breaking.  She needs an overwhelming amount of love and support.

Learning To Let God Lead

I was driving into town last week and I heard this song on the radio.  I believe it hit me, quite hard it felt, that for a long time I have been trying to write my own story.  This is probably the reason that I find people that have what I want, a knowledge of what their future holds, and I'm jealous of them.  Even more jealous if they have that knowledge and are pursuing their passion, and it's something (I think) I want for my life also, but am not sure if that is the direction in which I am headed.

Am I rambling?  Does that make sense?  In my book study last spring, Unglued by Lisa Turkhurst, there was a whole chapter on jealousy.  That chapter was like a cold bucket of water over my head.  Yikes!  That was one of the first times I have really taken on the knowledge that I fight jealousy.  It's a companion I need to learn how to shake, and hopefully I am learning how to shake.  I tried bottling it up, and putting on a happy smiley face, but no, that just makes me stew and become bitter.  I thought that maybe telling people when I was jealous of them would help me shake it, but no, that just makes me look (and feel) like an idiot.

Ah, I see, jealousy is from the evil one, the one who wants me to look like an idiot, push people away, and become angry and bitter.

In life, there are a thousand different reasons to be jealous.  Someone always has it better, there is always something to be desired.  Whether it be a job, a family, a dream - someone always has something you could want, or desire.

When I look back at my adult life I can see that God has taken me on an interesting journey.  One I never would have imagined 10 years ago, when I was a young college student, engaged to be married and living with my neighbors, studying for a degree I (kind of) intended to use, in a field I (kind of) enjoyed.  To be honest, it was the grace of God that led me to that degree, the one that opened doors and got me on my start to being a childbirth educator and later birth doula. I love what I do. I couldn't imagine loving any other job (outside of my role as a mom) more.

I never once imagined I'd be the woman I am today, with the passions I have today.  I never once imagined that I would homeschool, or care about red dye and high fructose corn syrup (seriously, I love fruit snacks and twinkies - er, I did... okay, I do still love fruit snacks), or be passionate about natural childbirth, or passionate about natural anything (again, the girl who popped ibuprofen in high school like it was candy and thought McDonalds could pass as a healthy meal).  I never once imagined that we would have miscarriage after miscarriage and wonder how many children we would have.  I also never once imagined that I would doubt myself or that I wouldn't know what the next step would be.

And that's where I am.  I don't know what the rest of the story is, and often times I try so hard to write it for God only to find myself more confused and frustrated than before.  But I forget, he has written it thus far; He has opened doors, presented opportunities, and shaped me and molded me along the way, all in his timing, for his purposes.  

So I think listening to this song this week has been a good reminder to me to stop playing with God's pen.  A reminder to be fully invested in the current life God has called me to lead and when the time is right, he will guide me to the next step, whatever that may be.  We are all on different paths, because we are all different people.  Some of us are called to take similar journeys, but no journey is ever identical to or better than someone else's.

A journey is a journey, and I will let God lead mine.

**This post was written late at night, after reviewing it this morning I would like to add that I am not insanely jealous as the piece might suggest. But I do believe that I struggle with jealousy just like anyone else. I am not focusing this post directed at any specific person or event, it is just general reflection.**

*This post has been edited*

I haven't felt motivated to write, there have just been so many unknowns and really who wants to write about the unknowns?

2013 was an absolutely interesting year.  It was January of last year that Aaron and I began pursuing adoption.  It was then that I began highly anticipating my 30th birthday when we could submit our dossier to China.  I knew that by October we would either be in the process of adopting, or beginning the process to adopt from China.  Then in March we unexpectedly found out that we were expecting Isaiah.  Our plans instantly changed as we anticipating meeting another baby.  In May we miscarried our son and then we were left confused.  Grieving, waiting.

By October we were ready to begin pursuing adoption again, although the grieving process never really ends it just changes.  We had both become open to domestic adoption and began interviewing agencies.  By mid-November we had interviewed and chosen an agency and were ready to proceed.  We filled out the paperwork - and then you never heard from us again!

By this point, you'd think that we were half way through our homestudy, or getting ready to start it - something, right?

Instead, we're still waiting --which explains the silence.

In November, just before our adoption packet was set to arrive at the agency office, we received some health information that caused us to request the agency return us our packet before cashing our check, before risking losing a portion of our fees.

(The answer to your burning question is - no I am NOT pregnant)

Although, we are healthy and pulling our packet turns our to have not been necessary the timing is nothing short of strange.

At that point, we had two choices, immediately resend our packet -or- wait.  We chose to wait, we were entering the holiday season which is always busy, and Aaron's job has had a lot of projects lately which have kept him from being home much.  We decided to wait until January.

And now January is here, and we're no closer to knowing what to do.  Isn't that interesting?

We continue to wait and to pray, knowing that God will give us wisdom, guidance, understanding, and direction - all in his timing.

Like I always ask, will you continue to pray with us?

I am confident that one of these days I'll be announcing the newest member of our family, but today is not that day, and I'm learning to be okay with that - that it might not even be this year.

I am constantly reminded of Psalm 27:14

Wait for the Lord, 

Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.