100 Days of Beholding - Day 1

I was invited by a friend on facebook to be a part of "100 Days of Beholding"  Check out her document and join in on the revelation. 

I want to share with all of you a few of my beholdings as I go through this journey.  Today is Day 1 for me, and although I won't subject you to every entry of mine - I want you to see some of my highlights. 

#1) I'm thankful for time of stress.  they increase my faith and teahch me to trust [God] even when I don't want to.  Trusting involves letting go - and letting go means I could get hurt.  But I've leavned that you are good and even when my heart is broken you love me most.  So in this time of stress, when my only choice is to trust you - I let go and know that you are always good.
I am one who chooses to avoid stress at all cost.  Whether it is avoiding confrontation, avoiding traffic, avoiding grocery stores...you get the idea.  I avoid stress because I fear I don't handle it well.  Sometimes, stress, is unavoidable and its learning to handle it, and handle it well that teaches the most about who God is.

#6 I'm thankful for [our daughter]; a fun loving child, full of joy, who mimicks our acts of love and has taught us that gentle parenting, although heard work - is worth the effort.  A child who is by no means perfect but speaks trust in simple words; when I'm sick "Jesus will heal you, Mommy."  A risk taker from the beginning - bold and strong willed - she will shake this woorld for Jesus as she grows and matures in him.  She is all real - nothing fake in her and when she commits her life to Christ she will be unmoveable.
I often times speak of my child as a handful, difficult, exhausting; terms that in no way build up her charachter.  But she is so much more than that - she is all that we prayed for in a daughter.  Strong willed, unshakeable, loves deeply.  I compare her to other children, raised similarly, and wonder 'hHve I done something wrong?' but I know...  I know.... She doesn't commit until she's sold out - and when this one sells out for Christ - the world will never be the same.

I look forward to what the rest of the 99 days brings.  I know that this is an exercise in believing, beholding, and becoming.  I don't want to become complacent in my place of life. 
 

I want to be like them...

I saw this on my friend's facebook today and couldn't help but think I really hope my husband and I are that adorable some day.  Enjoy <3

A whole lot of everyone

I've been spending a lot of time in the lab getting my blood drawn lately.  They're running hormone blood work on me.  As I sit there (for what seems forever) I see lots of people come and go. 

There is the man in the Chicago Bears sweatshirt (Go Bears! - I almost told him that too), the older lady; dressed well, the husband and wife couple that didn't sit next to each other (and I was in the middle), the little boy and his mom, a young handicapped girl; younger than Am with her mom and grandmother, the lady with a learning disability who was worried about her doctor's appt at 2:30, the woman hoping to retrieve her husband's x-rays. 

And we all sat, and we all waited. 

All of us waiting for different things. 

Why were we there?  Was it a life or death result?  Was anyone praying for good news? 

As we waited Am sang her favorite song from Tangled, her new favorite movie.  Some people smiled at her, some look at me like I was crazy, most just ignored her.  I thought she was adorable. 

It hit me again, as it often does, that we all are living this world with something. 

Why did the Chicago Bears man need his lab work?  Why was the handicapped woman so worried about her appointment?  Is the little boy healthy? the little girl?  What about the woman all dressed up?  Was she dressed up to make her feel better, because inside she feels so sick?

I've heard so many stories this week of life and death.  Good news, bad news.  A sick mom, a baby lost, a baby gained.  We are all here, and God is working in the midst of it all. 

Mark 2:17 "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." 

And here we all are, in great need of the great physician.

Pregnancy is never the same

I really liked this woman's article about pregnancy after loss.  She articulates what I can not always do so well.  And I know that no matter what stage of pregnancy you are in after experiencing a loss - you will never view your pregnancy through the same eyes of one who has not lost.  The early pregnancy moments of stomach upset and unending nausea are welcomed, even prayed for - and near the end you second guess every "quiet" moment, every twinge, hoping everything is still alright, hoping you'll have full arms and not empty ones in a matter of weeks.  Read on....

"Well the title says it all–I’m 29 weeks today. And while I feel totally and wonderfully grateful and happy to be here, I admit, that part of me is still terrified. I’m starting to realize, there is no point in which a former infertile ever feels ‘safe’ during a pregnancy.

We know too much. We’ve heard too many stories. Our innocence was taken away either directly or through association in this community. And while it’s easy to tell yourself that such horror stories are rare. That we exist in a bubble rife with these sorts of tales because that’s what this community is about, it’s still hard not to look over your shoulder and wonder, “will it be me?”......(read more)"

I'd do it again.

I was talking to a good friend of mine last week and she reminded me that I would go through everything we've been through to have a baby again just to have my daughter.  She's that amazing.  No amount of heartache can overwhelm the joy of having a child.  So I will do it all again for another one, no matter what!  I will.  Becuase I love them too much.  They're too precious to give up on.

hoping

Heading for a blood test this afternoon and hoping for good news. 

Pretending you're pregnant isn't cute.

I found this link through another blog I read.

I have to say - yes, exactly how I felt when I got 4 facebook messages about this years facebook breast cancer awareness. 

I didn't choose to post her status as mine, my husband and I agreed it might not come across well.  But - she's right, lets raise awareness about something awareness needs to be raised about, like infertility and miscarriage. 

Anyway, you can read the article here.  I did not write this article and it does have some language not appropriate for well..anyone.  But its still a good point.

Mean Girls

I was listening to the radio while driving my car home the other night and I had a disturbing realization.

The program I was listening to was Homeword When Mean Girls Become Angry Moms with guest Author Hayley DiMarco. 

I think I might be mean.  I talked to my mom about it and (of course) her answer was that I am not mean - thanks Mom. 

But really, am I?  Hayley DiMarco says that every girl, let me say that again - EVERY girl, has been a mean girl at some point in her life.  What if I still am?

Sometimes I'm rude, judgemental, irritable, defensive, gossiping, annoyed....and on and on and on...

Do you ever feel that way?  Like maybe you're not as nice as you think you are?

For a long time in my life, because I was pretty introverted, I was considered to be snobby, stuck up, maybe a little full of myself (as most introverted girls are considered to be). 

What if I've really become that way?  I'm not longer as introverted as I used to be - but have I taken on the snobby, stuck up, full of myself attitude?  I sure hope not. 

And this year I'm taking steps to make sure if I have, I stop.

Last Thursday began our first MOPS of 2011-2012 (yea!) and I'm setting out to be nice.

No more thinking someone doesn't like me becuase they looked at me wierd.  No, no, no.   I'm going to think the best of people and treat people the way they deserve to be treated. 

So ladies, really.  Can we check our irritabilities, annoyances, and frustrations at the door and save them for the dishes, lawn mower, and other inanimate objects that won't have their feelings hurt by our particularly stressful day?

And if you're having a hard time with "Mean Girls" or Mean Women for that matter - I encourage you to listen to Part 1 & Part 2 of When Mean Girls Become Angry Moms on Homeword with Dr. Jim Burns and Hayley DiMarco and pick up a copy of her book: Mean Girls (although I think they book may be directed towards teenage girls)