This morning I enjoyed, to the fullness of what is possible (as in the hot water ran out), a nice warm shower.
It was magnificent.
30 minutes of uninterrupted thinking time. Alone, with my thoughts.
Usually, for whatever reason, these precious moments lead me to processing through my miscarriages. It seems strange that 6 years since the first, 1 year since the last, I still take so much precious time to think and to remember, to relive, to process through, to analyze, and to understand each tiny little detail of those days.
This morning, it was the people. The people, so many different people, that have entered my life at such a delicate time, and then quietly slipped out - never to be forgotten. Some have stayed as friends, some aquaintances that I enjoy bumping into at the grocery store, and for many our bond only grew as they walked through such a difficult time with me.
There are two such people on my mind today.
The first one is my midwife, Rita.
I'll never forget the very first day I met her. It was July 20, 2006.
The day of my first miscarriage. I'll never forget what she said, where I sat, my uncontrollable sobbing. My husband seated across from me, trying to keep his tears at bay, but having a difficult time. She was kind, professional. She explained how miscarriage can happen, genes lining up, most likely this wouldn't happen again. I cried and cried.
Then my phone rang. I was completely embarrased. I didn't even know it was with me. My husband looked at me like "why didn't you turn your phone off???" It was at a time in our lives that we only had one cell phone between the two of us, and we rarely ever carried it. No one ever called me on it either and if they did it was usually on silent. But here I was sobbing, in a doctor's office, and my phone rang. I felt like an idiot as I fumbled through my jumbled mess of a purse to find it and silence it quickly. It was my friend, Sarah. She had no idea what was going on that day, no clue my worst nightmare was unfolding. She was just calling to chat, strange and unusual since she wouldn't normally have called during the middle of the day.
A few months later, my midwife and I had gotten to know each other a little better by working together at a local pregnancy center. A few months and a couple miscarriages later I became pregnant (and stayed pregnant) with my oldest daughter (now 4) and she was there through my labor and delivery. 3 years, 3 more miscarriages, and 1 more baby later (whom she also delivered) - I now serve on a birth coalition board with my midwife.
In the summer of 2009 I miscarried our fifth baby (fourth miscarriage) on a Sunday afternoon. Monday morning I called my midwife's office to let them know what had happened. That evening I recieved a call from Rita. She asked how I was doing, I said I'd be fine. When she asked why I decided not to come in that day I told her it was because all I would have done was cried. She said she would have cried with me, and I knew it was true. I knew that she would have been there for me, as I needed her to be.
I consider her a mentor and a friend, someone who has seen me at my most vulnerable times. She has seen me through a lot of heartache and a lot of joy. I sat around a table the other night with several women (Rita one of them), 3 of us with babies; some she helped deliver, and I wondered - what must it be like for her? What must it be like to see these babies, and know our stories, and to know just how blessed we feel - and she was a part of it, a big part. Her place in my life is a very very special one, one that cannot be replaced.
The second person is a woman named Joyce.
I met Joyce at a bible study I attended the Summer of 2010. She was in the discussion group I was in. That summer I went through my 5th miscarriage. These women surrounded me with prayer through the whole thing. They were excited with me when I told them I was pregnant and cried with me when a few weeks later it was over. After our bible study ended I didn't see most of them again, including Joyce.
Then in the fall of 2011, I walked into MOPS one morning and glanced in the church office - and there was Joyce, sitting at the desk as the church's new secretary! I was so surprised to see her there!
I had recently announced my latest pregnancy and was eager to tell Joyce! She had seen me through one of my miscarriages and I knew she would be excited to know we were expecting again and this time, things looked really hopeful. It has been almost a year since then, and a new MOPS season is well under way. I see Joyce every other Thursday - and I feel a special connection with her.
Many people know our story, but fewer people have lived our story.
I love showing those people our newest baby. I love bringing her up to them to say "Look! Do you see her! God did this for us! You prayed for this! Do you see? Do you remember? Isn't God good! Rejoice with me!"
And I know, I know, they do.
10.19.2012
The People We Know
This morning I enjoyed, to the fullness of what is possible (as in the hot water ran out), a nice warm shower.
It was magnificent.
30 minutes of uninterrupted thinking time. Alone, with my thoughts.
Usually, for whatever reason, these precious moments lead me to processing through my miscarriages. It seems strange that 6 years since the first, 1 year since the last, I still take so much precious time to think and to remember, to relive, to process through, to analyze, and to understand each tiny little detail of those days.
This morning, it was the people. The people, so many different people, that have entered my life at such a delicate time, and then quietly slipped out - never to be forgotten. Some have stayed as friends, some aquaintances that I enjoy bumping into at the grocery store, and for many our bond only grew as they walked through such a difficult time with me.
There are two such people on my mind today.
The first one is my midwife, Rita.
I'll never forget the very first day I met her. It was July 20, 2006.
The day of my first miscarriage. I'll never forget what she said, where I sat, my uncontrollable sobbing. My husband seated across from me, trying to keep his tears at bay, but having a difficult time. She was kind, professional. She explained how miscarriage can happen, genes lining up, most likely this wouldn't happen again. I cried and cried.
Then my phone rang. I was completely embarrased. I didn't even know it was with me. My husband looked at me like "why didn't you turn your phone off???" It was at a time in our lives that we only had one cell phone between the two of us, and we rarely ever carried it. No one ever called me on it either and if they did it was usually on silent. But here I was sobbing, in a doctor's office, and my phone rang. I felt like an idiot as I fumbled through my jumbled mess of a purse to find it and silence it quickly. It was my friend, Sarah. She had no idea what was going on that day, no clue my worst nightmare was unfolding. She was just calling to chat, strange and unusual since she wouldn't normally have called during the middle of the day.
A few months later, my midwife and I had gotten to know each other a little better by working together at a local pregnancy center. A few months and a couple miscarriages later I became pregnant (and stayed pregnant) with my oldest daughter (now 4) and she was there through my labor and delivery. 3 years, 3 more miscarriages, and 1 more baby later (whom she also delivered) - I now serve on a birth coalition board with my midwife.
In the summer of 2009 I miscarried our fifth baby (fourth miscarriage) on a Sunday afternoon. Monday morning I called my midwife's office to let them know what had happened. That evening I recieved a call from Rita. She asked how I was doing, I said I'd be fine. When she asked why I decided not to come in that day I told her it was because all I would have done was cried. She said she would have cried with me, and I knew it was true. I knew that she would have been there for me, as I needed her to be.
I consider her a mentor and a friend, someone who has seen me at my most vulnerable times. She has seen me through a lot of heartache and a lot of joy. I sat around a table the other night with several women (Rita one of them), 3 of us with babies; some she helped deliver, and I wondered - what must it be like for her? What must it be like to see these babies, and know our stories, and to know just how blessed we feel - and she was a part of it, a big part. Her place in my life is a very very special one, one that cannot be replaced.
The second person is a woman named Joyce.
I met Joyce at a bible study I attended the Summer of 2010. She was in the discussion group I was in. That summer I went through my 5th miscarriage. These women surrounded me with prayer through the whole thing. They were excited with me when I told them I was pregnant and cried with me when a few weeks later it was over. After our bible study ended I didn't see most of them again, including Joyce.
Then in the fall of 2011, I walked into MOPS one morning and glanced in the church office - and there was Joyce, sitting at the desk as the church's new secretary! I was so surprised to see her there!
I had recently announced my latest pregnancy and was eager to tell Joyce! She had seen me through one of my miscarriages and I knew she would be excited to know we were expecting again and this time, things looked really hopeful. It has been almost a year since then, and a new MOPS season is well under way. I see Joyce every other Thursday - and I feel a special connection with her.
Many people know our story, but fewer people have lived our story.
I love showing those people our newest baby. I love bringing her up to them to say "Look! Do you see her! God did this for us! You prayed for this! Do you see? Do you remember? Isn't God good! Rejoice with me!"
And I know, I know, they do.
It was magnificent.
30 minutes of uninterrupted thinking time. Alone, with my thoughts.
Usually, for whatever reason, these precious moments lead me to processing through my miscarriages. It seems strange that 6 years since the first, 1 year since the last, I still take so much precious time to think and to remember, to relive, to process through, to analyze, and to understand each tiny little detail of those days.
This morning, it was the people. The people, so many different people, that have entered my life at such a delicate time, and then quietly slipped out - never to be forgotten. Some have stayed as friends, some aquaintances that I enjoy bumping into at the grocery store, and for many our bond only grew as they walked through such a difficult time with me.
There are two such people on my mind today.
The first one is my midwife, Rita.
I'll never forget the very first day I met her. It was July 20, 2006.
The day of my first miscarriage. I'll never forget what she said, where I sat, my uncontrollable sobbing. My husband seated across from me, trying to keep his tears at bay, but having a difficult time. She was kind, professional. She explained how miscarriage can happen, genes lining up, most likely this wouldn't happen again. I cried and cried.
Then my phone rang. I was completely embarrased. I didn't even know it was with me. My husband looked at me like "why didn't you turn your phone off???" It was at a time in our lives that we only had one cell phone between the two of us, and we rarely ever carried it. No one ever called me on it either and if they did it was usually on silent. But here I was sobbing, in a doctor's office, and my phone rang. I felt like an idiot as I fumbled through my jumbled mess of a purse to find it and silence it quickly. It was my friend, Sarah. She had no idea what was going on that day, no clue my worst nightmare was unfolding. She was just calling to chat, strange and unusual since she wouldn't normally have called during the middle of the day.
A few months later, my midwife and I had gotten to know each other a little better by working together at a local pregnancy center. A few months and a couple miscarriages later I became pregnant (and stayed pregnant) with my oldest daughter (now 4) and she was there through my labor and delivery. 3 years, 3 more miscarriages, and 1 more baby later (whom she also delivered) - I now serve on a birth coalition board with my midwife.
In the summer of 2009 I miscarried our fifth baby (fourth miscarriage) on a Sunday afternoon. Monday morning I called my midwife's office to let them know what had happened. That evening I recieved a call from Rita. She asked how I was doing, I said I'd be fine. When she asked why I decided not to come in that day I told her it was because all I would have done was cried. She said she would have cried with me, and I knew it was true. I knew that she would have been there for me, as I needed her to be.
I consider her a mentor and a friend, someone who has seen me at my most vulnerable times. She has seen me through a lot of heartache and a lot of joy. I sat around a table the other night with several women (Rita one of them), 3 of us with babies; some she helped deliver, and I wondered - what must it be like for her? What must it be like to see these babies, and know our stories, and to know just how blessed we feel - and she was a part of it, a big part. Her place in my life is a very very special one, one that cannot be replaced.
The second person is a woman named Joyce.
I met Joyce at a bible study I attended the Summer of 2010. She was in the discussion group I was in. That summer I went through my 5th miscarriage. These women surrounded me with prayer through the whole thing. They were excited with me when I told them I was pregnant and cried with me when a few weeks later it was over. After our bible study ended I didn't see most of them again, including Joyce.
Then in the fall of 2011, I walked into MOPS one morning and glanced in the church office - and there was Joyce, sitting at the desk as the church's new secretary! I was so surprised to see her there!
I had recently announced my latest pregnancy and was eager to tell Joyce! She had seen me through one of my miscarriages and I knew she would be excited to know we were expecting again and this time, things looked really hopeful. It has been almost a year since then, and a new MOPS season is well under way. I see Joyce every other Thursday - and I feel a special connection with her.
Many people know our story, but fewer people have lived our story.
I love showing those people our newest baby. I love bringing her up to them to say "Look! Do you see her! God did this for us! You prayed for this! Do you see? Do you remember? Isn't God good! Rejoice with me!"
And I know, I know, they do.
9.19.2012
Finish The Job....
Ah yes, I know - a new post, you've missed me I'm sure.
Finish the job... that is my new motto. I'm a horrible finisher. Well, I might be a bad starter too, but I'm really a terrible finisher. Finishing things is something I've never just quite figured out how to do. Usually its because I'm incredibly ambitious - not always a bad thing - but often times an overwhelming thing.
So, I've started "Finish The Job".
It is a new saying around our house - more specifically - around my head. I say it to myself atleast 50 times a day because, like I stated before, finishing things isn't my forte. I tend to get tired, hungry, bored, want to update my facebook status, find pictures to look at, find a good book I've been meaning to read, sit down to feed the baby, remember I forgot to take my vitamins, you know - could be anything. Either way, a job once started is a job probably not finished.
So this is what "Finish The Job" usually looks like:
- Asking my daughter to take her plate to the sink when she's finished eating as opposed to it sitting on the kitchen table until the next meal - or someone gets the initiative to clean off the kitchen table.
- Reminding my husband that although he took the foil out of the toaster oven, and put the toaster oven away - he also needs to throw away the foil... (not just his problem, something I tend to forget to do also.)
And this is what it looked like for me tonight (the italics are me speaking to myself) :
- Load and start the dishwasher, finish the job followed by wiping down the counter tops and noticing that the kitchen still stinks.... finish the job going through the tomatoes and throwing out the rotten and stinky ones (but leaving the good ones in the middle of the kitchen floor) - looking at the nice counter tops and realizing finish the job I should wipe off the stove too - then seeing the microwave finish the job and that it should also be wiped off (take a break to go feed the baby and put her back to bed) finish the job - on the way back to the counter tops seeing the tomatoes on the floor (still) finish the job and grabbing a bag and picking them up and putting them in the fridge. Then back to the microwave... finish the job wiping off the microwave, finding farkle instructions. finish the job On the way to putting away the Farkle instructions finding a bandaid wrapper on the floor, then a piece of paper, a bobby pin, a hair band, a backpack (with shrimp in it ... I know, what??), and a plastic Snow White. oy keep finishing the job Throw away bandaid wrapper, piece of paper; take bobby pin and hair band to bathroom, finish the job put shrimp in fridge; find stethescope and shoes and My Little Pony; put away Snow White, Stethscope, and My Little Pony; finish the job take shoes to shoe bin. On the way to the shoe bin I find... more shoes. finish the job Put away all the shoes ... all while still holding the Farkle instructions.... only to find... another set of Farkle instructions - in Spanish. finish the job So when this rather interesting montage is over - I will head to bed and finally put away both sets of Farkle instructions... because we need those Spanish ones even though we don't speak Spanish.
And there you have it - my mind and how I keep myself finishing jobs around here. And if you ever notice that my house is what most people would call a "disaster" - you now know its because I usually don't finish jobs.
All this paid off though - at the end of the night as Husband was heading to bed he said "Kitchen looks nice, Babe." and I thought to myself - Yes. It. Does.
Finish the job... that is my new motto. I'm a horrible finisher. Well, I might be a bad starter too, but I'm really a terrible finisher. Finishing things is something I've never just quite figured out how to do. Usually its because I'm incredibly ambitious - not always a bad thing - but often times an overwhelming thing.
So, I've started "Finish The Job".
It is a new saying around our house - more specifically - around my head. I say it to myself atleast 50 times a day because, like I stated before, finishing things isn't my forte. I tend to get tired, hungry, bored, want to update my facebook status, find pictures to look at, find a good book I've been meaning to read, sit down to feed the baby, remember I forgot to take my vitamins, you know - could be anything. Either way, a job once started is a job probably not finished.
So this is what "Finish The Job" usually looks like:
- Asking my daughter to take her plate to the sink when she's finished eating as opposed to it sitting on the kitchen table until the next meal - or someone gets the initiative to clean off the kitchen table.
- Reminding my husband that although he took the foil out of the toaster oven, and put the toaster oven away - he also needs to throw away the foil... (not just his problem, something I tend to forget to do also.)
And this is what it looked like for me tonight (the italics are me speaking to myself) :
- Load and start the dishwasher, finish the job followed by wiping down the counter tops and noticing that the kitchen still stinks.... finish the job going through the tomatoes and throwing out the rotten and stinky ones (but leaving the good ones in the middle of the kitchen floor) - looking at the nice counter tops and realizing finish the job I should wipe off the stove too - then seeing the microwave finish the job and that it should also be wiped off (take a break to go feed the baby and put her back to bed) finish the job - on the way back to the counter tops seeing the tomatoes on the floor (still) finish the job and grabbing a bag and picking them up and putting them in the fridge. Then back to the microwave... finish the job wiping off the microwave, finding farkle instructions. finish the job On the way to putting away the Farkle instructions finding a bandaid wrapper on the floor, then a piece of paper, a bobby pin, a hair band, a backpack (with shrimp in it ... I know, what??), and a plastic Snow White. oy keep finishing the job Throw away bandaid wrapper, piece of paper; take bobby pin and hair band to bathroom, finish the job put shrimp in fridge; find stethescope and shoes and My Little Pony; put away Snow White, Stethscope, and My Little Pony; finish the job take shoes to shoe bin. On the way to the shoe bin I find... more shoes. finish the job Put away all the shoes ... all while still holding the Farkle instructions.... only to find... another set of Farkle instructions - in Spanish. finish the job So when this rather interesting montage is over - I will head to bed and finally put away both sets of Farkle instructions... because we need those Spanish ones even though we don't speak Spanish.
And there you have it - my mind and how I keep myself finishing jobs around here. And if you ever notice that my house is what most people would call a "disaster" - you now know its because I usually don't finish jobs.
All this paid off though - at the end of the night as Husband was heading to bed he said "Kitchen looks nice, Babe." and I thought to myself - Yes. It. Does.
8.28.2012
Remembering....
I've been thinking a lot lately. About many many things - believe me. But right now I want to write about these things. These 6 babies and how they infiltrate my life. How I can't tell the story of my girls or their names without bringing in these 6.
A few weeks ago we had an open house in celebration of Zemirah's life. An open house to thank all of those who have prayed for her with us, prayed us through dark days, or carried our load when we just couldn't take another step.
At that open house I had these balloons - 3 pink, 3 blue; 6 in all for my 6 littlest ones.
My heart still aches somedays for them. At the strangest moments, when I'm cuddled up on the couch reading to Am and Z, when I'm holding Z and breathing in her sweet scent, or even just picturing the size of family we will have someday. We named our girls specifically - that their names would tell their story. And they do.
They open the door to share God's miracles and provision in our lives.
I always wonder what our lives would have been like if miscarriage wasn't such a large part of our story. Would we still want as many kids? Would we value them like we do now? Would we even understand true grief? I don't know. We've learned a lot over these years - and I know we have much more to learn.
And I look forward to the day that we will meet Baby K, Tiny, IddyBiddy, Cinco, Woven, and Bunnin.
8.20.2012
Musings on cloth diapering....
Cloth diapering... somedays I love it, somedays I hate it. Today is diaper day - which would make you think that today I hate it... but today, I love it.
It is on diaper day that I usually most love cloth diapering. Yes, it can be a hassle. Yes, it is sometimes time consuming. Yes, my diaper pail can get pretty stinky.
BUT...
Here are some reasons I love it:
- When you go to the store and forget everything important, atleast you don't have to worry about having forgotten diapers. Lets face it, the neighbors might have honey and chicken noodle soup when you have a cold, but what's the chance they have any size 2 diapers laying around?
- That baby butt only gets cuter when you put a little purple on it :)
- Sometimes washing diapers is what pulls me out of an "I'm tired and don't want to do anything" funk. I have to wash the diapers, regardless, the baby will poop and I will have to change her into something.
- When I put a certain diaper on my baby I'm reminded of how blessed we truly are and am reminded to pray for orphans around the world... see The Little Bee Co.
- I never run out of diapers!
- Folding diaper laundry is brainless and surprisingly fun, makes me not feel so guilty about not folding the rest of my laundry.
- Not that I should strive to be "cool" but when I wash diapers and hang them out on the line I feel a little bit like my mom when she was a farm wife - and she's pretty cool :)
- I love the smile Z gives me everytime I smear coconut oil on her butt.
- There are so many different options for cloth diapering, I get to have a little fun when I pick out what diaper to put on next.
- Sometimes I make my baby's diaper match her outfit. (rarely, because I have a hard time matching anything)
- Babies with giant butts look like Weeble Wobbles and who doesn't love a Weeble Wobble?
And Finally -
I love Cloth Diapering because I'm saving a whole lot of money! (which may be what carries me through on the days I want to give the whole thing up)
8.02.2012
the end of July
July is over. and to that you say "I know, Brie. I've seen the calendar"
but with the end of July we have:
the end of miscarriage anniversaries for a few months
the death of most of my garden (either from rabbits, weeds, or heat - although I'm still pulling for some tomatoes)
the end of swim lessons for another year (side note: my 4 year old impressed the pants off of me and passed level 2 swimming, however she will not be able to advance to level 3 until she's 6. my little swimmer...future olympian there.)
and finally what feels like a little bit of a breather.
but really, who am I kidding? This month is already filling up and my little big one starts preschool the first week of September. My life is moving faster than I'd like it to.
Saturday we are hosting an open house for the baby, I will *hopefully* post pictures following!
Until then....
but with the end of July we have:
the end of miscarriage anniversaries for a few months
the death of most of my garden (either from rabbits, weeds, or heat - although I'm still pulling for some tomatoes)
the end of swim lessons for another year (side note: my 4 year old impressed the pants off of me and passed level 2 swimming, however she will not be able to advance to level 3 until she's 6. my little swimmer...future olympian there.)
and finally what feels like a little bit of a breather.
but really, who am I kidding? This month is already filling up and my little big one starts preschool the first week of September. My life is moving faster than I'd like it to.
Saturday we are hosting an open house for the baby, I will *hopefully* post pictures following!
Until then....
7.13.2012
remembering Bunnin
It was a year ago today that something didn't feel right. More spotting, very little queazies, something felt off. My dr. sent me for a blood test, by 3pm I had the results. I sat down, I hugged my (then) 3 yr old, and I let it all sink in. My levels had dropped to nearly nothing, it could be a few days yet because of the progesterone injections, but the truth was - the baby was gone. again.
It's hard to understand timing, circumstances, loss. Looking back, a year later, with a surprise miracle next to me, not quite 2 months old - it's hard to understand today's significance.
Another loss, but without this loss - I wouldn't have this life... I hate the paradox that these losses put me in. I hate the loss but love the win that wouldn't have happened without them....
It's so hard to balance it all.
So today, while I snuggle and cuddle and kiss my old bundle and my new bundle (the old one is 4 now) I'll remember Bunnin; a part of my body for just a short time, but a part of my heart forever.
I love you, Bunnin. I am blessed beyond measure to be your mom.
It's hard to understand timing, circumstances, loss. Looking back, a year later, with a surprise miracle next to me, not quite 2 months old - it's hard to understand today's significance.
Another loss, but without this loss - I wouldn't have this life... I hate the paradox that these losses put me in. I hate the loss but love the win that wouldn't have happened without them....
It's so hard to balance it all.
So today, while I snuggle and cuddle and kiss my old bundle and my new bundle (the old one is 4 now) I'll remember Bunnin; a part of my body for just a short time, but a part of my heart forever.
I love you, Bunnin. I am blessed beyond measure to be your mom.
7.06.2012
Lessons from the Garden Year 2, volume 1
Let me start with some history.
Last year, my best friend, Susan and I started a garden in my backyard. (It provided plenty of space and sun). I had always talked about gardening and Susan and I decided this was the year to just go for it.
The garden ended up being an awesome place of rest and relaxation for both of us. We both had had an incredibly stressful spring and summer and in the garden we could just think, talk, and get out some much needed aggression (on those weeds). We spend hours out there in the beginning; tilling, planting, weeding, laying newspaper and grass, and then things began to taper off as the plants grew and the produce began to grow.
We always wanted to write details of what we learned last year but never got around to it - so here are some basic overviews:
1) broccoli needs to be planted early and it doesn't look like store bought broccoli. It can "bolt" and turn into yellow flowers.
2) strawberries planted from seed probably won't come up. :(
3) You'll get ALOT of zuccini and squash, no need to plant the whole seed packet.
4) Plant the peas earlier and you'll get a longer crop, the heat really zaps them.
5) you'll need more green beans.
So - with that, here we go.
This year we planted a larger garden than last year. We thought last year's was so easy and fun, why not??
Here's why not.
1) When we tilled I was 36 weeks pregnant, when we planted I was 38 weeks pregnant, when peek weeding needed to be done I was having a baby, and when harvest was ready I had a 3 week old. What hugely pregnant lady wants to be bending over that much planting? Who with a newborn in the middle of summer can get out to the garden enough to weed and harvest? I have hated the garden from 38 weeks. I'm starting to appreciate it for its food giving possibilities.
2) Neither Susan nor I are nearly as stressed as we were last summer. Which means, we don't really need our "garden therapy" like we did last year. Infact, we they opposite of stressed, we're busy because we're not stressed. Which makes gardening time consuming.
Okay, now on to the rest of it.
- Something went wrong with our green beans. Last year we planted "bush beans" and they came up in neat little bushes that produced lots of green beans. However, it wasn't enough so this year instead of 1 row of beans we planted 3. But they aren't neat little plants, they're weird bush things that grew together so in order to weed or pick beans you have to seperate them all to find the path in between. very frustrating.
- the peas grew higher than our fence again. Probably because we didn't ever add the second row of chicken wire, and now they're falling all over the beans and broccoli. oh well... they're almost done and then I'm ripping them out. They're driving me crazy!!!
- I learned from my 9 year old niece that broccoli is actually a flower. Which means, all those flowers we got last year?? if we'd picked them earlier we would have had broccoli. oy, well, found this out a little late this year but still got a decent amount of broccoli, just not as much as we could have.
- We accidentally planted cucumbers, squash, and zuccini too close together this year. Which means the poor cucumbers are getting NO sun, because they squash leaves are covering them. Not sure how well they'll do this year.
- We planted Strawberries in their own fenced in area from plants (not seeds this year) and they are doing pretty well. We even got 1 strawberry for our first year, didn't eat it though.
- We did spinach instead of lettuce. Last years lettuce was a major disaster! The spinach has tasted wonderful though and makes incredible salads! Way better than store bought!!
- Carrots are coming up. My 4 year old keeps pulling them to see if they're ready. Might have a problem with the carrot crop this year bc of this...
- green onions are doing well!!
- we have 7 tomato plants! I'm not sure what they all are though! We bought 3 of our own to plant and the rest were given to us without knowledge as to what they are - so that will be a surprise! So far we have atleast 2 grape tomato plants...
I think I made it all the way around the garden!!
Last night while dripping in sweat and being torn up by zuccini and squash leaves I found a snake skin out side my garden fence! I screamed - and then had to play it off to my 4 yr old like it was no big deal. But oh my goodness, I HATE snakes! I may not enter the garden again barefoot. I was glad I had boots and gloves when I found that. A few weeks ago I saw a mouse entering the garden from our compost pile. I think that means we need to flip it. I've been really bad about flipping it since I'm so limited on time in the garden. I'm literally feeding the baby and running out there to work on it until my husband says she's hungry again. Not a whole lot of time for menial jobs like "flipping the compost"! Just kidding, its important.
I got eaten up by bugs too. If you don't like bugs, don't garden, or pretend like you don't see them, hear them, or feeling them on you... eck. I don't like bugs. It's very hard to pretend.
I've been trying to conquer a weed situation that got out of control. Its taking several trips to the garden to do so. I'll probably need to go back out there tonight, if my husband will let me. Although he keeps saying he needs to mow, and he does... but the garden needs attention!
I just don't want to take the baby out in this heat...
And so begins the garden stories... lets hope they're not too jumbled since they are just a gathering of my messy thoughts while gardening.
Last year, my best friend, Susan and I started a garden in my backyard. (It provided plenty of space and sun). I had always talked about gardening and Susan and I decided this was the year to just go for it.
The garden ended up being an awesome place of rest and relaxation for both of us. We both had had an incredibly stressful spring and summer and in the garden we could just think, talk, and get out some much needed aggression (on those weeds). We spend hours out there in the beginning; tilling, planting, weeding, laying newspaper and grass, and then things began to taper off as the plants grew and the produce began to grow.
We always wanted to write details of what we learned last year but never got around to it - so here are some basic overviews:
1) broccoli needs to be planted early and it doesn't look like store bought broccoli. It can "bolt" and turn into yellow flowers.
2) strawberries planted from seed probably won't come up. :(
3) You'll get ALOT of zuccini and squash, no need to plant the whole seed packet.
4) Plant the peas earlier and you'll get a longer crop, the heat really zaps them.
5) you'll need more green beans.
So - with that, here we go.
This year we planted a larger garden than last year. We thought last year's was so easy and fun, why not??
Here's why not.
1) When we tilled I was 36 weeks pregnant, when we planted I was 38 weeks pregnant, when peek weeding needed to be done I was having a baby, and when harvest was ready I had a 3 week old. What hugely pregnant lady wants to be bending over that much planting? Who with a newborn in the middle of summer can get out to the garden enough to weed and harvest? I have hated the garden from 38 weeks. I'm starting to appreciate it for its food giving possibilities.
2) Neither Susan nor I are nearly as stressed as we were last summer. Which means, we don't really need our "garden therapy" like we did last year. Infact, we they opposite of stressed, we're busy because we're not stressed. Which makes gardening time consuming.
Okay, now on to the rest of it.
- Something went wrong with our green beans. Last year we planted "bush beans" and they came up in neat little bushes that produced lots of green beans. However, it wasn't enough so this year instead of 1 row of beans we planted 3. But they aren't neat little plants, they're weird bush things that grew together so in order to weed or pick beans you have to seperate them all to find the path in between. very frustrating.
- the peas grew higher than our fence again. Probably because we didn't ever add the second row of chicken wire, and now they're falling all over the beans and broccoli. oh well... they're almost done and then I'm ripping them out. They're driving me crazy!!!
- I learned from my 9 year old niece that broccoli is actually a flower. Which means, all those flowers we got last year?? if we'd picked them earlier we would have had broccoli. oy, well, found this out a little late this year but still got a decent amount of broccoli, just not as much as we could have.
- We accidentally planted cucumbers, squash, and zuccini too close together this year. Which means the poor cucumbers are getting NO sun, because they squash leaves are covering them. Not sure how well they'll do this year.
- We planted Strawberries in their own fenced in area from plants (not seeds this year) and they are doing pretty well. We even got 1 strawberry for our first year, didn't eat it though.
- We did spinach instead of lettuce. Last years lettuce was a major disaster! The spinach has tasted wonderful though and makes incredible salads! Way better than store bought!!
- Carrots are coming up. My 4 year old keeps pulling them to see if they're ready. Might have a problem with the carrot crop this year bc of this...
- green onions are doing well!!
- we have 7 tomato plants! I'm not sure what they all are though! We bought 3 of our own to plant and the rest were given to us without knowledge as to what they are - so that will be a surprise! So far we have atleast 2 grape tomato plants...
I think I made it all the way around the garden!!
Last night while dripping in sweat and being torn up by zuccini and squash leaves I found a snake skin out side my garden fence! I screamed - and then had to play it off to my 4 yr old like it was no big deal. But oh my goodness, I HATE snakes! I may not enter the garden again barefoot. I was glad I had boots and gloves when I found that. A few weeks ago I saw a mouse entering the garden from our compost pile. I think that means we need to flip it. I've been really bad about flipping it since I'm so limited on time in the garden. I'm literally feeding the baby and running out there to work on it until my husband says she's hungry again. Not a whole lot of time for menial jobs like "flipping the compost"! Just kidding, its important.
I got eaten up by bugs too. If you don't like bugs, don't garden, or pretend like you don't see them, hear them, or feeling them on you... eck. I don't like bugs. It's very hard to pretend.
I've been trying to conquer a weed situation that got out of control. Its taking several trips to the garden to do so. I'll probably need to go back out there tonight, if my husband will let me. Although he keeps saying he needs to mow, and he does... but the garden needs attention!
I just don't want to take the baby out in this heat...
And so begins the garden stories... lets hope they're not too jumbled since they are just a gathering of my messy thoughts while gardening.
7.05.2012
The Birth of Zemirah Hope - the long version
The birth of Zemirah Hope
5-21-12
11:27 am
6lbs 6.6 oz
19 ¼ in
My water broke (much to my dismay) at 2:45pm on my due date,
May 20 and with no contractions to accompany this squirt (not quite a gush,
more than a leak) of fluid from my… you know…, the hubs and I set out on a
walk. My parents had arrived with their
camper just two days before and so we left our 4 yr old with them and quickly
snuck out before anyone could gather that something might be up. I called my doula to let her know my water
broke and told her I would walk awhile to see if anything started up. I decided to wait to call my midwife *hoping*
that something might happen by the time I called her.
So we went for our walk… and an hour later… nothing. Seriously, if I thought about it I might have
had a mild cramp 8 minutes apart, maybe, but really it was hard to tell. I called my midwife to let her know my water
had broke, but she was in a delivery and the answering service said they’d have
her call me back. About an hour later
she called me back and I still was feeling nothing… NOTHING… I was very
irritated. So I let my midwife know that
I’d take a shower, eat some dinner, and then head on in to the hospital. She told me to come when I was ready and to
do some nipple stimulation on the way in.
So, I showered, ate some delicious spaghetti, and we headed
to the hospital. We arrived about 6:30
and my contractions, with the nipple stimulation, had picked up to about 3-4
minutes apart, which would have been great if they were painful, but they
really weren’t that painful although they took a little more focus than
before.
At the hospital my midwife was amazing. Amazing.
AMAZING! She first told me I
looked too happy – which I was well aware of, and very unhappy about- but upon entering my room she told my nurse
that we had already talked about vaginal checks and I didn’t need to have any
and so – guess what – I didn’t have any!
Well, not right then anyway. I
put on my own comfortable labor clothes that I’d brought from home, cozy
t-shirt and comfy skirt from target, and they got my IV of penicillin started
because I was group B positive. I had my
doula come at about 8:30pm since I was starting to feel some stronger
contractions and was focusing a little more through them. I was sure that labor was going to start up
soon…it had to… right?
So we walked, and walked, and walked. And then my feet got tired so we came back to
the room and sat on the ball and did some nipple stimulation.
My midwife came in later and started the conversation with
“Here’s what I usually do in these situations where the water breaks and no
contractions come…” I thought “oh no,
here comes the Pitocin.”, but I was wrong.
And she continued, “If by 11:30 or 12 nothing has started, I think
everyone should try and get some sleep and we’ll start again in the morning,
with either more nipple stimulation or the breast pump.” I thought – Thank you for not saying
Pitocin. And she never did. Accept once to tell me that the topic on
their midwife board that day was about the evils of Pitocin, I agreed, very
evil – and although it may be used for good in some circumstances, it wasn’t
necessary for me.
Anyway, so 11:30 came, and well, I was tired – so we all
went to bed ; my husband on the futon in my room, my mom in the rocking chair
and my doula in the family waiting room.
Around 4:15am my contractions, although still spaced out
were getting more intense although I was still handling them very well on my
own. I needed to use the rest room so my
nurse came to help me and I decided that since I was no longer sleeping I would
sit on the ball and do some nipple stimulation to see if I can get them closer
together. Around 4:30 my moaning got to
be disturbing to the still sleeping hubs - who then got up and started rubbing
my back and played my labor music (good job, babe!) My poor mother, although I wanted her there
for support, I didn’t really allow her to say or do anything… so she just sat
there.
Around 5am I asked for my doula, so my husband gave her a
call and she was there pretty quickly.
She suggested I continue the nipple stimulation in the shower with the
sprayer on my back, which was amazing.
My contractions were definitely picking up in intensity as I was
starting to enter active labor. However,
my contractions were still only 4-5 min apart.
There was a shift change around 7am and I was blessed with the world’s
best nurse (my other nurse was great but this one recently graduated with her
CNM and would be entering my midwife’s practice in the fall… it was seriously
like have 2 midwives. Amazing.)
I went back to the shower.
During one of the breaks when they checked fetal heart tones during
contractions they noticed the baby’s heart rate was dipping during
contractions. Since I hadn’t had any
checks my midwife asked to check my progress and make sure baby was compressing
the umbilical cord during contractions.
I said that was fine and she checked me.
In our prenatal visits I had made it clear to my midwife that I did not
want to know how far dilated I was during labor. I remember from my first birth mentally tying
myself to that number and knowing how much it affected me. So when my midwife checked me and asked me if
I wanted to know how far I was I said “only if its super awesome.” She said “I think its pretty good” to which I replied “is it a 6?” Then she kind of laughed and said “no you’re
still early” and I was glad she didn’t say anything more. (I found out later that I was almost a 3 at
this point…I think I would have cried if I’d known that. Not tears of joy.)
Baby’s head was not compressing the umbilical cord and she
told me my right side would bring baby.
So I reluctantly, because it was oh-so-painful, rolled onto my right
side. It was during these next few
contractions that the reality of having another baby began to dawn on me. For so long I had realized physically that I
was having another child, but had not processed internally what was really
about to happen. For years I had begun
to believe it wasn’t possible, but here it was, coming quickly. And in those moments, I started to cry, but I
did so quietly and not to be seen – Aaron wasn’t there at the moment and I
really didn’t want to take the time to explain to my doula and nurse that I was
crying about the reality of the baby and not because of the pain… Then another
contraction hit and I said “Why do we have babies?!?!?” So, it was a short lived moment, but pivotal
for me, because I needed that realization to hit me.
My midwife had also said that I needed to be doing nipple
stimulation in between EVERY contraction so as to get my contractions 2-3
minutes apart. I thought that that was
like torture, but if it kept me off pit I would do anything… so I did.
My midwife had done what she could to make sure the
hospital’s tub room was available and now in active labor, they moved me down
the hall to the tub room. And that warm
beautiful water was GLORIOUS!
My husband and I went head-to-head in the tub, him helping
me moan through contractions from the outside.
In between I would rest and he would do the nipple stimulation for me. It was so nice to not have to be in control of
that and allowing myself to not think for a few minutes. I had to get out of the tub a couple of times
so they could monitor the baby’s heart rate during a contraction. This was annoying, but I did it. After one such monitoring I headed back to
the tub but stopped to go potty on the way.
I sat down on the toilet and couldn’t go but began having really intense
contractions that kept coming on top of each other.
I began to feel shaky, nauseous, hot, then cold, then hot
again, and my contractions started having 2-3 peaks in them. I could feel myself entering transition and
even though I didn’t know the “number” I knew what my body was doing and I was
thankful we were in a final stretch… even if it was just starting. I was feeling a lot of pressure in my bottom
at the peak of contractions, I knew I wasn’t pushing but it was hard to keep
myself sitting on the toilet as I felt this pain come down and my instinct
would shoot me up to standing. I tried
to remind myself to relax through it and let my body do what it needed to do.
I’m not sure how long these contractions lasted before my
awesome nurse asked to check me. My
midwife wasn’t due to come back until noon and she needed to know if she should
call her sooner. She said “noon” and I completely
frieked out. Like “noon” was the
farthest time away ever! I actually have
no idea what time it really was at this point, but “noon” was really far away
for me. So J checked me and I asked her
not to tell me the number. She tried to
convince me that it was just a number and didn’t actually mean anything, which
I knew to be true, but I knew that at that point anything she told me less than
“10 – you can push” (which I knew I wasn’t and I didn’t need to push) just
wasn’t going to make me happy. So I
continued to labor oblivious as to my dilation.
My doula informed me later that I was a 5 (another one of those, soooo
glad you didn’t tell me moments). And I
went back to the toilet to labor awhile longer.
After another baby monitoring session I began to labor while
standing against my husband and letting him hold my weight while I squatted
during contractions. This worked for a
few contractions before my husband just couldn’t take my weight anymore and my
doula suggested squatting against the bed.
This was great!
I was able to lean in and squat against the bed during
contractions and rest back on my bum when they were over. It was during these contractions that I
really started feeling the urge to push.
I started screaming during contractions “I’m pooping! I’m so sorry I’m pooping!” or similarly “I’m
pushing! I’m so sorry I’m pushing!” I kept saying that during
every.single.contraction. My husband
laughs about it now, and I do too, but I really did think I was pooping!
This was my favorite part of labor, because the contractions
were incredibly intense, however the breaks were so freeing. When the contractions were over I just felt
completely relaxed – maybe it was me knowing that this was almost over, maybe
its just the way things are, either way – this was my favorite part of
labor. My doula was to my right putting
pressure on my back, my husband was behind me, and my mom to my left. My mom says that the room was freezing cold
and she liked putting her hand on my back because I was so hot. I liked having her cold hand on my back
because it felt so good!
After a few of these contractions J informed me that I was
making a lot of pushing noises and she would like to check me again, to see if
she needed to call my midwife.
Somehow, I don’t know how, but somehow they got me onto the
bed so she could check me. And then I
heard her say to my doula “can you go tell them out there that I need some help
in here?” and then she said to me “Brie, I’m going to need you to roll onto
your side.” And I thought to myself
‘Praise God!’ I knew these things from
my own doula experience 1.) the nurse needing help means she quite possibly
might be delivering this baby (not my ideal, but right now I just don’t care
how this baby comes out, she’s coming out) and 2.) laying on your side slows a
rapidly progressing labor… oh yea. Baby is coming out!
And then I had another contraction and, ohmygosh, my body
started pushing again. And suddenly
everyone was saying “Rita is here! It’s
okay!” Then my lovely midwife sat down
on my bed to check me. I had just a
little bit of cervix in the way and she told me she wanted me to push with my
next contraction and she was going to move it out of the way. So I did and then my midwife said “Umm, I needed
a birth table like 4 minutes ago.” and then I pushed again, and wow, that felt
amazing!
I felt the baby move down the birth canal and it was so
glorious! My little girl’s hand was
coming out first so they had me slow down pushing so they could ease her hand
out of the way and let her head come out.
I felt a tiny bit of burning at crowning, but seriously, nothing
compared to contractions and before I knew it I was touching her head, she was
born, and I was pulling her up to my chest.
She was beautiful, totally perfect. 6 lbs 6 oz, 19 ¼ in long. We were wrapped together and my snuggly
little baby laid on me for well over an hour.
We nursed, we cuddled; it was amazing.
My placenta came out “dirty Duncan" which means, nasty
-not shiny - side up. This means it separated from the sides first and not the
center, increasing a risk of parts being left inside or postpartum hemorrhage,
neither of which occurred for me.
My daughter arrived with her other grandmother shortly after
and my dad shortly after them. It was so
nice to have so many family there at this important time in our lives.
It was amazing. The
whole experience was totally incredible.
Wow, and retelling it right now makes me want to do it all again. My doula informed me that I went from 5-10 cm
in dilation in half an hour. Which,
frankly, totally shocks me, it felt like longer at the time.
It has been 6 ½ whirlwind weeks and I am so in love with
this little baby. Am has taken well to
being a big sister and we are finally settling into some semblance of a
routine.
This story is as accurate as I can remember – I’m sure there
are details here and there that I have messed up.
This was my perfect birth J
6.19.2012
6.18.2012
Yah, its been awhile since I posted, probably because I foolishly signed my 4 yr old up for swim lessons that started when my baby was 2 weeks old. Yah, that was a lot to handle.
Anyway, I have written out my birth story but am still reading through it to fix details I missed and sentences that don't make any sense.
But I wanted to share a moment of my mommy madness. Last night was a rough night for the baby. She has reflux and thus it is difficult for her to sleep because her tummy doesn't feel so good. After a couple of feedings that led to staying up awhile I was drained. Seriously. And my husband has work today so I let him sleep, plus his back was bothering him so he can't really hold the baby and walk around anyway.
Any way, As I rocked the baby and then walked, then rocked, then sat on the bed rocking... I started talking - in my head - to the other mom. The one out there in this world with a baby with reflux doing the exact same thing as I was at that moment. For some reason just knowing that another mom was out there, totally exhausted and wondering what she could possibly do to get her baby to go to sleep - I felt very connected at that moment. Like I wasn't alone. The other mom was out there and she was tired too.
Alright, that's all for now, I need to take a few minutes to finish up some things and spend some time with my 4 year old.
I promise as soon as I've finished proofing the birth story I will post it!
Anyway, I have written out my birth story but am still reading through it to fix details I missed and sentences that don't make any sense.
But I wanted to share a moment of my mommy madness. Last night was a rough night for the baby. She has reflux and thus it is difficult for her to sleep because her tummy doesn't feel so good. After a couple of feedings that led to staying up awhile I was drained. Seriously. And my husband has work today so I let him sleep, plus his back was bothering him so he can't really hold the baby and walk around anyway.
Any way, As I rocked the baby and then walked, then rocked, then sat on the bed rocking... I started talking - in my head - to the other mom. The one out there in this world with a baby with reflux doing the exact same thing as I was at that moment. For some reason just knowing that another mom was out there, totally exhausted and wondering what she could possibly do to get her baby to go to sleep - I felt very connected at that moment. Like I wasn't alone. The other mom was out there and she was tired too.
Alright, that's all for now, I need to take a few minutes to finish up some things and spend some time with my 4 year old.
I promise as soon as I've finished proofing the birth story I will post it!
5.23.2012
Zemirah Hope
I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful 6 lb 6 oz, 19 1/4 in. girl on Monday, May 21 at 11:27 am. An absolutely amazing experience, we are doing very well and are home!
Her name - Zemirah - (pronounced Zem-eer-uh) means "Song of Joy" and her middle name - Hope - is a constant reminder of God and the supernatural hope he delivered to us during some of our darkest days.
We are truly truly blessed. I will post her birth story and pictures soon!
Thank You!
Her name - Zemirah - (pronounced Zem-eer-uh) means "Song of Joy" and her middle name - Hope - is a constant reminder of God and the supernatural hope he delivered to us during some of our darkest days.
We are truly truly blessed. I will post her birth story and pictures soon!
Thank You!
5.14.2012
Almost there...
I just read my last blog post, which talked about 5 weeks left in this pregnancy. Somehow time got away from me and here I am... less than 1 week left until my estimated due date. It's doubtful that baby will arrive on the due date - maybe sooner, maybe later - really who knows at this point.
But WOW! I really am having a baby in just a few days... eek.. and that to-do list is still far from completed.
But WOW! I really am having a baby in just a few days... eek.. and that to-do list is still far from completed.
4.16.2012
so much to do...
I have so much to do in the next 5 weeks.
Really. I'm not just saying that.
I would put up my goal list, but you'd see how much hasn't gotten done and then laugh at me. But really, I have a lot to do.
I'm in the midst of reading 4 different books. One on birth, one on breastfeeding, one on attachment parenting - and then crazy enough - a friend of mine talked me into reading Hunger Games... which is way interesting. And frankly, is holding my attention better than the other three. Which kind of stinks because in a few weeks I will give birth, begin breastfeeding, and living out another form of attachment parenting and will probably not be watching any 12 - 18 year olds sacrifice themselves for the sake of a crazy government... but who knows, this book may come in handy someday.
The other thing I want to do - that is a little insane - is not on my to do list... although I think I might add it just so I have something to cross off.
Scrubbrush the shower. Hard core - scrub the shower... just talking about it makes me excited. and when I finish that I want to do the kitchen and bathroom floor. I mop. sure, yah, I mop... I clean the shower, yah - I do that....but I want to SCRUB it...
I think I'm going to have to go do that right now... for real, and then maybe eat a piece of dark chocolate.
oh pregnancy, how you baffle me.
Really. I'm not just saying that.
I would put up my goal list, but you'd see how much hasn't gotten done and then laugh at me. But really, I have a lot to do.
I'm in the midst of reading 4 different books. One on birth, one on breastfeeding, one on attachment parenting - and then crazy enough - a friend of mine talked me into reading Hunger Games... which is way interesting. And frankly, is holding my attention better than the other three. Which kind of stinks because in a few weeks I will give birth, begin breastfeeding, and living out another form of attachment parenting and will probably not be watching any 12 - 18 year olds sacrifice themselves for the sake of a crazy government... but who knows, this book may come in handy someday.
The other thing I want to do - that is a little insane - is not on my to do list... although I think I might add it just so I have something to cross off.
Scrubbrush the shower. Hard core - scrub the shower... just talking about it makes me excited. and when I finish that I want to do the kitchen and bathroom floor. I mop. sure, yah, I mop... I clean the shower, yah - I do that....but I want to SCRUB it...
I think I'm going to have to go do that right now... for real, and then maybe eat a piece of dark chocolate.
oh pregnancy, how you baffle me.
4.15.2012
Changes are a coming....
My due date is just 5 weeks away, possibly... could be 4, I'm not exactly sure and need to talk to my midwife about that. I'm pulling for 5 though, I've got a lot to do.
Anyway, there are are about 10 times out of each day that I'm some how reminded that I'm pregnant. Whether it be some crazy acrobats in the belly, or strange spasms in my lower belly, or just by chance catching my reflection as I walk past a mirror - it always seems to catch me off guard. And then I say it... again... to my husband "I can't believe we're having another baby." and a big smile spreads across both of our faces. Followed by the realization that this big day keeps getting closer and closer... and I keep putting things off for next week... then I get a little nervous.
I look back at pregnancy pictures from Am and in the background the crib is set up, the packed bags on the floor... and I'm pretty sure I'm about 28 weeks pregnant in those pics. I'm 35 weeks now, I could go into labor in 2 weeks and it wouldn't really matter... and I haven't packed a bag, haven't really even thought about packing a bag... I kind of think I might do that while I'm actually in labor, something to distract me. I think I'll set the baby's bed up while I'm in early labor too.
On another note. We have a 4 year old, who is quickly developing this whole attitude "I'm cool - what if I say 'no' thing" its kind of annoying. Like yesterday when I told her to do something and she looked me straight in the eye, put her hands on her hips, stuck out her foot, cocked her head to the side and said "no." - it took me off guard really. No?? what happened to this kid?
So today, she was helping daddy and I move the filing cabinet... mostly daddy, I just moved a couple of light drawers. Anyway, she was in charge of opening and closing the door for us. However, in between left plenty of play time in an unplanted muddy flower bed... and the thought came to my head "Every parent plans their day perfectly - and then the 4 yr old finds mud."
Okay, end of stories - goodnight peeps.
Anyway, there are are about 10 times out of each day that I'm some how reminded that I'm pregnant. Whether it be some crazy acrobats in the belly, or strange spasms in my lower belly, or just by chance catching my reflection as I walk past a mirror - it always seems to catch me off guard. And then I say it... again... to my husband "I can't believe we're having another baby." and a big smile spreads across both of our faces. Followed by the realization that this big day keeps getting closer and closer... and I keep putting things off for next week... then I get a little nervous.
I look back at pregnancy pictures from Am and in the background the crib is set up, the packed bags on the floor... and I'm pretty sure I'm about 28 weeks pregnant in those pics. I'm 35 weeks now, I could go into labor in 2 weeks and it wouldn't really matter... and I haven't packed a bag, haven't really even thought about packing a bag... I kind of think I might do that while I'm actually in labor, something to distract me. I think I'll set the baby's bed up while I'm in early labor too.
On another note. We have a 4 year old, who is quickly developing this whole attitude "I'm cool - what if I say 'no' thing" its kind of annoying. Like yesterday when I told her to do something and she looked me straight in the eye, put her hands on her hips, stuck out her foot, cocked her head to the side and said "no." - it took me off guard really. No?? what happened to this kid?
So today, she was helping daddy and I move the filing cabinet... mostly daddy, I just moved a couple of light drawers. Anyway, she was in charge of opening and closing the door for us. However, in between left plenty of play time in an unplanted muddy flower bed... and the thought came to my head "Every parent plans their day perfectly - and then the 4 yr old finds mud."
Okay, end of stories - goodnight peeps.
4.11.2012
Not what I thought it would be....
PAIL Post
When I first started out on this parenting journey, just like many newbies, I had a lot of grand ideas of how awesome I was going to be (cue laughter)...
I quickly, and I mean quickly, learned just how little I know about parenting, and even - dare I say - judgemental I had been towards other parents (ouch!).
I thought Attachment Parenters (AP) were crazy, and I had several friends who used Babywise and I totally disagreed with a lot of it. So, I didn't know which school of thought to follow.
What I found out though, was that God equips us exactly as we need to be equiped. Oh, I make mistakes, a lot of them, daily - but my daughter knows the truth about Jesus, she is full of love, and quick to share, and that strong-will she was blessed with? - its still there, and being shaped for God's purposes.
Some of the things that make me the craziest about my daughter and parenting, are not wrong at all - they're just different than me. Where I am introverted, my daughter knows no stranger... (seriously, we have the stranger talk all the time). Where I am quiet, my daughter is boisterous. Where I want to fit in, my daughter just wants to be herself. *If you know my husband, you know where my daughter has inherited all of these, oh so wonderful traits.*
Sometimes, its not a matter of changing those traits in her, its a matter of changing those traits in me. We've taught her to love, and love she does!
And parenting? It is HARD WORK. This kid is no angel, just like the rest of them. She tests the boundaries and makes me wonder if I really knew what I was getting into. No, I didn't.
I didn't know what it would feel like to get up in the middle of the night, 3 times - because she's thirsty, hungry, or has to pee. (When they're 4 and you're pregnant, you have a lot less patience for these shenanigans.)
I didn't know what it would be like to still have to give a consequence to the most adorable little face I've ever seen, that's crying becuase I looked at her sternly.
I didn't know how much I would love this kid.
And that love only grows every. single. day.
So parenting philosophy?
I lean more towards Attachment Parenting and I still disagree with Babywise.
But just like anything, I don't follow that perfectly either :)
*On that strong-willed child though - If you have one, I can tell you right now. One of the BEST books out there is You Can't Make Me, But I Can Be Pursuaded by Cynthia Tobias.
Go buy it. now. for real. It will change your life and the way you parent. It made a world of difference in our home and our daughter was just turning 4 when I read it. I wish I'd read it when she was 2 though!
When I first started out on this parenting journey, just like many newbies, I had a lot of grand ideas of how awesome I was going to be (cue laughter)...
I quickly, and I mean quickly, learned just how little I know about parenting, and even - dare I say - judgemental I had been towards other parents (ouch!).
I thought Attachment Parenters (AP) were crazy, and I had several friends who used Babywise and I totally disagreed with a lot of it. So, I didn't know which school of thought to follow.
What I found out though, was that God equips us exactly as we need to be equiped. Oh, I make mistakes, a lot of them, daily - but my daughter knows the truth about Jesus, she is full of love, and quick to share, and that strong-will she was blessed with? - its still there, and being shaped for God's purposes.
Some of the things that make me the craziest about my daughter and parenting, are not wrong at all - they're just different than me. Where I am introverted, my daughter knows no stranger... (seriously, we have the stranger talk all the time). Where I am quiet, my daughter is boisterous. Where I want to fit in, my daughter just wants to be herself. *If you know my husband, you know where my daughter has inherited all of these, oh so wonderful traits.*
Sometimes, its not a matter of changing those traits in her, its a matter of changing those traits in me. We've taught her to love, and love she does!
And parenting? It is HARD WORK. This kid is no angel, just like the rest of them. She tests the boundaries and makes me wonder if I really knew what I was getting into. No, I didn't.
I didn't know what it would feel like to get up in the middle of the night, 3 times - because she's thirsty, hungry, or has to pee. (When they're 4 and you're pregnant, you have a lot less patience for these shenanigans.)
I didn't know what it would be like to still have to give a consequence to the most adorable little face I've ever seen, that's crying becuase I looked at her sternly.
I didn't know how much I would love this kid.
And that love only grows every. single. day.
So parenting philosophy?
I lean more towards Attachment Parenting and I still disagree with Babywise.
But just like anything, I don't follow that perfectly either :)
*On that strong-willed child though - If you have one, I can tell you right now. One of the BEST books out there is You Can't Make Me, But I Can Be Pursuaded by Cynthia Tobias.
Go buy it. now. for real. It will change your life and the way you parent. It made a world of difference in our home and our daughter was just turning 4 when I read it. I wish I'd read it when she was 2 though!
3.21.2012
the musings of my 4 yr old...
this post is going to be totally random, but I just want to save for posterity's sake some of the things my 4 year old is up to lately.
#1 She is very literal. Example:
Me: Amariss look up at the sky so I can brush your teeth.
Am: Mama, are we outside?
Me: No, we're inside.
Am: Then why did you say look up at the sky? You should have said "ceiling"!
And that continues with just about everytime I say "look up at the sky" or "look down at the ground"
#2 She has taken great pride in her ability to feed the dog.
Example A:
(Dog scratches at water bowl)
Am (while playing with friend): Excuse me Leah, I have to get Ninja some water
Example B:
(Dog scratches at food bowl during dinner)
Am: Mom, may I please be excused to get Ninja some food?
#3 She can pump her legs to go incredibly high on the swing. Kind of makes me nervous
#4 She dresses herself regularly. Always choosing a skirt which must be visible lest people not recognize her.
And there are several others I can't remember. I'm sure I will just as soon as I post this!
#1 She is very literal. Example:
Me: Amariss look up at the sky so I can brush your teeth.
Am: Mama, are we outside?
Me: No, we're inside.
Am: Then why did you say look up at the sky? You should have said "ceiling"!
And that continues with just about everytime I say "look up at the sky" or "look down at the ground"
#2 She has taken great pride in her ability to feed the dog.
Example A:
(Dog scratches at water bowl)
Am (while playing with friend): Excuse me Leah, I have to get Ninja some water
Example B:
(Dog scratches at food bowl during dinner)
Am: Mom, may I please be excused to get Ninja some food?
#3 She can pump her legs to go incredibly high on the swing. Kind of makes me nervous
#4 She dresses herself regularly. Always choosing a skirt which must be visible lest people not recognize her.
And there are several others I can't remember. I'm sure I will just as soon as I post this!
3.19.2012
and 32 weeks??
I had an appointment with my midwife today, who just so happens to be one of my favorite people. Stepfoot (the name our daughter has affectionately given baby) was sleeping so her hearttones were reflective of her lazy morning. It was still nice to hear her beating heart though :)
My midwife, probably one of the world's best grandma's, was enthralling to my 4 year old who was so excited to get to help measure the baby in mommy's tummy. Am so gently pulled out the table, helped lay me back, and watched intently while I was measured.
and then my midwife said "You're measuring right on at 32 weeks!"
and I thought..."what?! I thought I was only 31 weeks??" oy ve. This date just got closer, and my house is not any closer to being ready.
but you know what? I don't really care!
HOLY COW I could meet this baby is 8 weeks!!! I remember a time when I just had to survive the next 8 weeks! and now...
Now... I might get to meet this baby in 8 weeks!!!
oh my gosh. I'm. so. excited.
My midwife, probably one of the world's best grandma's, was enthralling to my 4 year old who was so excited to get to help measure the baby in mommy's tummy. Am so gently pulled out the table, helped lay me back, and watched intently while I was measured.
and then my midwife said "You're measuring right on at 32 weeks!"
and I thought..."what?! I thought I was only 31 weeks??" oy ve. This date just got closer, and my house is not any closer to being ready.
but you know what? I don't really care!
HOLY COW I could meet this baby is 8 weeks!!! I remember a time when I just had to survive the next 8 weeks! and now...
Now... I might get to meet this baby in 8 weeks!!!
oh my gosh. I'm. so. excited.
3.12.2012
Back to the Breast
PAIL post
This week is busy, to say the least. Not physically busy, just alot of big items on my to-do list. I'm having a baby in 8-12 weeks and if I think too much about it I start to have anxiety. There are just a few too many things to be accomplished in 8-12 weeks...
There are a few things though that bring me alot of peace about what happens after the next 10 weeks are over. One of those things is breastfeeding.
I haven't breastfed a child in almost 3 1/2 years, when I think about that its rather sad. Bfing Am was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. My daughter and I are extremely close, not in a needy type of way, but bonded - differently that she is to her father or grandma's. Her bond with me is special, and I attribute a lot of that to our breastfeeding experience.
I have an outgoing child, which she recieved the full measure of from her dad. As much as I love one-on-one relationships, and having friends; meeting people, introducing myself, and being the center of attention are not my cup of tea. My daughter, on the other hand, is very willing to introduce herself to the other children at the park, and has no qualms about finding herself in a new setting - she has always jumped right in.
And that's where I think breastfeeding bonded us. When it comes to people relationships, we're very different and she could find herself as different as black and white to me. But we're close, very close and I know it stems from those moments when we would snuggle up together and it seemed as if the whole world shut down and it was just us. She could run wild, free, and crazy - but when it came time to eat - we would turn off the rest of the world and I would hold her little hand, count her little toes, look into those beautiful blue eyes that so strongly resemble my own and it was just us.
Breastfeeding ended early for us at 10 months as it does for a lot of mothers with people loving children. I wish now that I would have made more of an effort to continue, realizing that later she might wish for that relationship to continue. But I let my poor nutrition and her activity win and I quickly lost my milk supply.
I know that my moments spent with my little one snuggled on my skin, suckling my breast were not in any way wasted. Even if all the research and data in the world showed that there were not nutritional difference between breastmilk and formula, I wouldn't give up those moments.
That is what I look forward to most about this next baby. I can't wait to foster an irreplaceable bond. I worry about where my older daughter will fit into the mix of her sister and I growing together. I pray that she does not separate herself from me because of it.
Something tells me though, that many of our breastfeeding moments will include a very happy 4 1/2 year old snuggling up beside us, holding her sister's hand, counting her sister's toes, and discovering along with me all the things I discovered about her.
Here's to a refreshing summer.
This week is busy, to say the least. Not physically busy, just alot of big items on my to-do list. I'm having a baby in 8-12 weeks and if I think too much about it I start to have anxiety. There are just a few too many things to be accomplished in 8-12 weeks...
There are a few things though that bring me alot of peace about what happens after the next 10 weeks are over. One of those things is breastfeeding.
I haven't breastfed a child in almost 3 1/2 years, when I think about that its rather sad. Bfing Am was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. My daughter and I are extremely close, not in a needy type of way, but bonded - differently that she is to her father or grandma's. Her bond with me is special, and I attribute a lot of that to our breastfeeding experience.
I have an outgoing child, which she recieved the full measure of from her dad. As much as I love one-on-one relationships, and having friends; meeting people, introducing myself, and being the center of attention are not my cup of tea. My daughter, on the other hand, is very willing to introduce herself to the other children at the park, and has no qualms about finding herself in a new setting - she has always jumped right in.
And that's where I think breastfeeding bonded us. When it comes to people relationships, we're very different and she could find herself as different as black and white to me. But we're close, very close and I know it stems from those moments when we would snuggle up together and it seemed as if the whole world shut down and it was just us. She could run wild, free, and crazy - but when it came time to eat - we would turn off the rest of the world and I would hold her little hand, count her little toes, look into those beautiful blue eyes that so strongly resemble my own and it was just us.
Breastfeeding ended early for us at 10 months as it does for a lot of mothers with people loving children. I wish now that I would have made more of an effort to continue, realizing that later she might wish for that relationship to continue. But I let my poor nutrition and her activity win and I quickly lost my milk supply.
I know that my moments spent with my little one snuggled on my skin, suckling my breast were not in any way wasted. Even if all the research and data in the world showed that there were not nutritional difference between breastmilk and formula, I wouldn't give up those moments.
That is what I look forward to most about this next baby. I can't wait to foster an irreplaceable bond. I worry about where my older daughter will fit into the mix of her sister and I growing together. I pray that she does not separate herself from me because of it.
Something tells me though, that many of our breastfeeding moments will include a very happy 4 1/2 year old snuggling up beside us, holding her sister's hand, counting her sister's toes, and discovering along with me all the things I discovered about her.
Here's to a refreshing summer.
3.08.2012
getting her in her own bed....
I took a nap with in my bed with my 4 year old this afternoon, and then after waking and playing, hours later put her in her own bed for bed time.
As I touched her super soft cheek and brushed hair away from her eyes I remembered a time when I couldn't nap with her because it would make bedtime a nightmare. I remember a time when bedtime was just a nightmare, naptime too for that matter. Those days when I would have to sit by her bed for what felt like hours and just keep putting her back in. And a few days where I just had to give up becuase I couldn't take it anymore.
During that time I would consol myself by saying "when she's six she'll go to bed no problem" "we won't still be doing this when she's six"
I gave myself a few extra years just incase we were still doing that when she was four... but here we are, with our big girl four year old (who's always asking me how long till she turns 5...) and she can sleep in my bed for a nap and transition to her own bed for bedtime just fine.
She sleeps great! Whether it be taking a nap alone, together, in my bed, in hers... whether it be bedtime at 7:00pm because she didn't have a nap or 8:30 because she did... sleeping is no longer a problem for this kid.
And I love it.
And it just reminds me of something one of my cousins told me before I had her "this too shall pass".
It did. We survived, she survived, and she's a pretty amazing kid.
As I touched her super soft cheek and brushed hair away from her eyes I remembered a time when I couldn't nap with her because it would make bedtime a nightmare. I remember a time when bedtime was just a nightmare, naptime too for that matter. Those days when I would have to sit by her bed for what felt like hours and just keep putting her back in. And a few days where I just had to give up becuase I couldn't take it anymore.
During that time I would consol myself by saying "when she's six she'll go to bed no problem" "we won't still be doing this when she's six"
I gave myself a few extra years just incase we were still doing that when she was four... but here we are, with our big girl four year old (who's always asking me how long till she turns 5...) and she can sleep in my bed for a nap and transition to her own bed for bedtime just fine.
She sleeps great! Whether it be taking a nap alone, together, in my bed, in hers... whether it be bedtime at 7:00pm because she didn't have a nap or 8:30 because she did... sleeping is no longer a problem for this kid.
And I love it.
And it just reminds me of something one of my cousins told me before I had her "this too shall pass".
It did. We survived, she survived, and she's a pretty amazing kid.
3.01.2012
PAIL Blogroll
You may have noticed a new addition to my blog - An adorable little linky over in the sidebar to the PAIL Blogroll.
What is this Blogroll and what does it mean you ask? Good question!
PAIL stands for Pregnancy/Parenting After Infertility and Loss, and a blogroll is a list of LOTS of us who are all in very similar situations.
The whole reason I started writing The Delicate Balance was because I found myself caught between two worlds - the fertile world, becuase of my daughter, and the infertile world because of our losses and secondary infertility. If you'd like to read my very first post you can find it here.
This world has gotten a little more muddied in the past 6 months when we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant 6 weeks after our 6th loss.
This pregnancy has been interesting as I wonder where I stand with my TTC friends, but yet my heart still aches, yearns for, and desires their companionship because believe it or not - this journey never ends, I still miss my babies.
I don't know what will happen after baby #2 is delivered. I don't know if we will once again enter into the TTC world or if our hearts have been so damaged we'll be looking elsewhere to expand our family. We just don't know.
But for now - we enjoy our 4 yr old, and all her joy, and we look forward to the arrival of our 2nd miracle, even when it still seems so unreal.
Please check out the PAIL Blogroll and find other people just like us who find ourselves navigating this oh so confusing road.
What is this Blogroll and what does it mean you ask? Good question!
PAIL stands for Pregnancy/Parenting After Infertility and Loss, and a blogroll is a list of LOTS of us who are all in very similar situations.
The whole reason I started writing The Delicate Balance was because I found myself caught between two worlds - the fertile world, becuase of my daughter, and the infertile world because of our losses and secondary infertility. If you'd like to read my very first post you can find it here.
This world has gotten a little more muddied in the past 6 months when we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant 6 weeks after our 6th loss.
This pregnancy has been interesting as I wonder where I stand with my TTC friends, but yet my heart still aches, yearns for, and desires their companionship because believe it or not - this journey never ends, I still miss my babies.
I don't know what will happen after baby #2 is delivered. I don't know if we will once again enter into the TTC world or if our hearts have been so damaged we'll be looking elsewhere to expand our family. We just don't know.
But for now - we enjoy our 4 yr old, and all her joy, and we look forward to the arrival of our 2nd miracle, even when it still seems so unreal.
Please check out the PAIL Blogroll and find other people just like us who find ourselves navigating this oh so confusing road.
2.25.2012
And its all so confusing....
Yesterday, I had the incredible priveledge of attending the birth of a good friend's baby. It was absolutely amazing. My friend did absolutely amazing.
I arrived home, and read a post from a fellow TTC blogger. Who through this journey, has become what I consider a friend. Yesterday, her fears were confirmed. She was miscarrying her baby, again.
The strangeness of it all.
A life born onto earth, a life born into heaven.
My heart is full of joy for my friend, my heart aches for my friend.
I arrived home, and read a post from a fellow TTC blogger. Who through this journey, has become what I consider a friend. Yesterday, her fears were confirmed. She was miscarrying her baby, again.
The strangeness of it all.
A life born onto earth, a life born into heaven.
My heart is full of joy for my friend, my heart aches for my friend.
2.20.2012
27 weeks....
Today marks 27 weeks into my pregnancy.
More importantly, today marks 1 week shy of entering my 3rd trimester! (can you sense the excitement?) feel it baby, its real.
I've had so many different and conflicting emotions during this pregnancy. It's like I'm in a constant battle with myself to enjoy and feel, and hurry through to see my prize. I want to enjoy what may be my last pregnancy, but after all we've been through - I care much less about the pregnancy and much much more about the baby.
To help me put some things into perspective let me share my disappointments and excitements:
Disppointments
1) I remember pregnancy being way more awesome than this. I remember it as this magical time in my life with Amariss, where we would just rest and get to know each other, and I didn't have many cares in the world. I didn't know the reality of babies dying before they should (other than my previous miscarriages). I didn't understand the truth of the NICU. I didn't understand the importance of nutrition and exercise, so I ate whatever I wanted. Now I've heard countless stories of babies dying in the womb, have friends and clients who have lived through the NICU, and struggle daily to make sure I'm putting the right nutrition into my body to feed my growing baby.
2) I wanted to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, but all I really want now is to hit 37 weeks so I know that if she's born, she'll be safe. I work with pregnant women, when I'm working, and around 32-33 weeks they get really complainy. Suddenly, they just want this baby out! And that's all they talk about. They talk about feeling sick and tired all through the first trimester, then complain about something else through the second, and finally by the time they reach the third the only thing they feel for pregnancy is I'M DONE! I never wanted to feel that way. I longed for a pregnancy for so long that I wanted to treasure every single awful moment and bask in the glory of the good moments. But now it seems my days are filled with worry and anxiety. Did she move enough today? Am I cramping or stretching? was that another Braxton-Hicks? How many have I had today? Why do I feel light headed? Is it my blood pressure? Is it my blood sugar? and the what-ifs keep coming. And here I am, ready to be done with the what-ifs. Just ready to enjoy pregnancy, being pregnant, and joyfully (yes, joyfully) anticipating labor and delivery of a beautiful baby girl.
Excitements
1) I'm learning to trust God more than I ever have before. All those questions mentioned above - they send my anxiety levels sky high, and once again I have to ground myself. Shortly after I announced my pregnancy I had a conversation with the director at our pregnancy center. It went something like this:
Me: I just want to be done and have a healthy baby! There's too much stuff to be worried about during pregnancy!
Vicki: Maybe God designed pregnancy to be 9 months for more than just the development of the baby. Maybe there are things he wants you to learn too.
And she left it at that. Yep, lots of trust to be learned. I find myself hurryng back to the scriptures I've quoted before:
Phillipians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And there I am, with a pregnancy that has not been as peachy as my fourth, but much peachier than my 1-3 or 5-7 learning in new ways every day to trust God.
2) I'm gaining a different perspective on pregnancy. Up until this pregnancy my ideas of what pregnancy "should" or "did" look like were based upon a near flawless pregnancy, things I'd read in books, and 6 miscarriages. So, essentially - if you made it past 12 weeks I didn't have much for you in the way of "been there, done that" experience. And now, here I am - in a rougher pregnancy. Morning sickness that lasted longer than 18 weeks, and was much different than before, and now grappling with blood sugar problems that have yet to be figured out... whether it be high or low. (glucose tolerance test on wednesday). I don't want to be a diabetic. I don't want to be hypoglycemic. I just want to be normal, like I was with Am. However, as my mom pointed out to me - I am learning alot, and becoming much more sympathetic towards women who have less than perfect pregnancies.
3) Labor and Delivery. Yes, I'm excited about it. My first labor with Am was long and hard. I wasn't prepared for a long prodromal period, nor how painful that really can be. I wasn't the woman then that I am now. I've grown up, matured, made changes to my lifestyle - and am considerably more educated (not sure if that's a good or bad thing). I can not wait to experience all that labor and delivery have for me. I can't wait to put some of my knowledge into real life, first-person experience. For 3 years I've been educating women on birth, and just waiting until I could experience it too and now my time is coming and I am so very excited.
I'm ready to be humbled, ready to be tired, ready for the pain - but mostly I'm ready to meet this miracle.
And that is that.
27 weeks.
3 months.
I can't wait to hold both my girls in my arms and let all the tears of all we've lost and all we've gained mingle together as I bask in the miracles that are my children.
God has blessed me abundantly.
More importantly, today marks 1 week shy of entering my 3rd trimester! (can you sense the excitement?) feel it baby, its real.
I've had so many different and conflicting emotions during this pregnancy. It's like I'm in a constant battle with myself to enjoy and feel, and hurry through to see my prize. I want to enjoy what may be my last pregnancy, but after all we've been through - I care much less about the pregnancy and much much more about the baby.
To help me put some things into perspective let me share my disappointments and excitements:
Disppointments
1) I remember pregnancy being way more awesome than this. I remember it as this magical time in my life with Amariss, where we would just rest and get to know each other, and I didn't have many cares in the world. I didn't know the reality of babies dying before they should (other than my previous miscarriages). I didn't understand the truth of the NICU. I didn't understand the importance of nutrition and exercise, so I ate whatever I wanted. Now I've heard countless stories of babies dying in the womb, have friends and clients who have lived through the NICU, and struggle daily to make sure I'm putting the right nutrition into my body to feed my growing baby.
2) I wanted to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, but all I really want now is to hit 37 weeks so I know that if she's born, she'll be safe. I work with pregnant women, when I'm working, and around 32-33 weeks they get really complainy. Suddenly, they just want this baby out! And that's all they talk about. They talk about feeling sick and tired all through the first trimester, then complain about something else through the second, and finally by the time they reach the third the only thing they feel for pregnancy is I'M DONE! I never wanted to feel that way. I longed for a pregnancy for so long that I wanted to treasure every single awful moment and bask in the glory of the good moments. But now it seems my days are filled with worry and anxiety. Did she move enough today? Am I cramping or stretching? was that another Braxton-Hicks? How many have I had today? Why do I feel light headed? Is it my blood pressure? Is it my blood sugar? and the what-ifs keep coming. And here I am, ready to be done with the what-ifs. Just ready to enjoy pregnancy, being pregnant, and joyfully (yes, joyfully) anticipating labor and delivery of a beautiful baby girl.
Excitements
1) I'm learning to trust God more than I ever have before. All those questions mentioned above - they send my anxiety levels sky high, and once again I have to ground myself. Shortly after I announced my pregnancy I had a conversation with the director at our pregnancy center. It went something like this:
Me: I just want to be done and have a healthy baby! There's too much stuff to be worried about during pregnancy!
Vicki: Maybe God designed pregnancy to be 9 months for more than just the development of the baby. Maybe there are things he wants you to learn too.
And she left it at that. Yep, lots of trust to be learned. I find myself hurryng back to the scriptures I've quoted before:
Phillipians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And there I am, with a pregnancy that has not been as peachy as my fourth, but much peachier than my 1-3 or 5-7 learning in new ways every day to trust God.
2) I'm gaining a different perspective on pregnancy. Up until this pregnancy my ideas of what pregnancy "should" or "did" look like were based upon a near flawless pregnancy, things I'd read in books, and 6 miscarriages. So, essentially - if you made it past 12 weeks I didn't have much for you in the way of "been there, done that" experience. And now, here I am - in a rougher pregnancy. Morning sickness that lasted longer than 18 weeks, and was much different than before, and now grappling with blood sugar problems that have yet to be figured out... whether it be high or low. (glucose tolerance test on wednesday). I don't want to be a diabetic. I don't want to be hypoglycemic. I just want to be normal, like I was with Am. However, as my mom pointed out to me - I am learning alot, and becoming much more sympathetic towards women who have less than perfect pregnancies.
3) Labor and Delivery. Yes, I'm excited about it. My first labor with Am was long and hard. I wasn't prepared for a long prodromal period, nor how painful that really can be. I wasn't the woman then that I am now. I've grown up, matured, made changes to my lifestyle - and am considerably more educated (not sure if that's a good or bad thing). I can not wait to experience all that labor and delivery have for me. I can't wait to put some of my knowledge into real life, first-person experience. For 3 years I've been educating women on birth, and just waiting until I could experience it too and now my time is coming and I am so very excited.
I'm ready to be humbled, ready to be tired, ready for the pain - but mostly I'm ready to meet this miracle.
And that is that.
27 weeks.
3 months.
I can't wait to hold both my girls in my arms and let all the tears of all we've lost and all we've gained mingle together as I bask in the miracles that are my children.
God has blessed me abundantly.
2.07.2012
and it all comes back to the same thing...
The last few days/ last week have been stressful for me and the more stress I feel, the more stress I put on myself. A compounding effect, a cycle that never really ends until finally I just break down and realize I'm crazy.
Lets go back, because I like going back...
I was born an introvert, and although that isn't necessarily a bad thing, I had always leaned heavily on this as a crutch in my life. I realize now that what a lot of people may take as a standoffish or snobby personality was me not knowing how to talk to people, and so I just didn't. If you went to high school with me, you might think its crazy to say I was introverted because I was a cheerleader and on speech team, but those things were acting to me. An outlet where I could put on this invincible shield of that "character" and just be who I was playing.
Deep down, groups of people make me nervous, meeting new people makes me nervous, and starting conversations also makes me nervous. However, I met and married the most extroverted person I know, and in that, I have come out of my shell quite a bit. Although, I still find myself falling into this rut, often.
All this to say, I had a lot of fear of people. So over the years I began to quote to myself:
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And slowly but surely I began to control my anxiety around people. But lately I find myself coming back to the same things.
Not necessarily people this time, but circumstances. Here I am, pregnant, healthy, and excited. But terribly fearful.
and I repeat to myself "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and of a sound mind."
I pray that the knowledge I've learned over the years about childbirth would give me power, that I would be moved by a deep love for my unborn baby, and that my mind would not be anxious, but that it would be sound - solid, unshakeable.
And it all has come full circle, I'm still fighting fear.
And God is still winning.
Lets go back, because I like going back...
I was born an introvert, and although that isn't necessarily a bad thing, I had always leaned heavily on this as a crutch in my life. I realize now that what a lot of people may take as a standoffish or snobby personality was me not knowing how to talk to people, and so I just didn't. If you went to high school with me, you might think its crazy to say I was introverted because I was a cheerleader and on speech team, but those things were acting to me. An outlet where I could put on this invincible shield of that "character" and just be who I was playing.
Deep down, groups of people make me nervous, meeting new people makes me nervous, and starting conversations also makes me nervous. However, I met and married the most extroverted person I know, and in that, I have come out of my shell quite a bit. Although, I still find myself falling into this rut, often.
All this to say, I had a lot of fear of people. So over the years I began to quote to myself:
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And slowly but surely I began to control my anxiety around people. But lately I find myself coming back to the same things.
Not necessarily people this time, but circumstances. Here I am, pregnant, healthy, and excited. But terribly fearful.
and I repeat to myself "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and of a sound mind."
I pray that the knowledge I've learned over the years about childbirth would give me power, that I would be moved by a deep love for my unborn baby, and that my mind would not be anxious, but that it would be sound - solid, unshakeable.
And it all has come full circle, I'm still fighting fear.
And God is still winning.
1.22.2012
"You Can't Make Me" [But I Can Be Pursuaded] by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias - Book Review
I picked up this book after reading a short blurb in a long-distance grandparenting book while at my parents house. Funny, I know, believe me I'm a looong way from grandparenting, but it's what happened to be available at the moment. Anyway...
So I picked up this book for two reasons. First of all, the title intrigued me "You Can't Make Me!" is probably something I've told people in my life over 1000 times, maybe in different words, but the point is the same. It's also something I've not necessarily heard, but have seen on my daughters face. The point when I say "Amariss, pick up your toys." and she looks at me and then goes back what to what she's doing, quietly but firmly telling me "No." And then there is the second half of the title, "But I Can Be Pursuaded" and this is my daughter to a T. The subtitle of the book is Strategies for Bringing Out the Best in Your Strong Willed Child. And that was what I really wanted to hear.
As a parent of a strong willed child (an SWC as the book has labeled them), and a strong-willed child myself, what I want is not to break my child's will but to help her use it to be all that God has intended her to be. Which means, although she has opinions and personal convictions, she doesn't have the right to be outright disobedient, defiant, rude, etc etc... However, this will of hers is something my husband and I prayed and prayed for - daily - in the months leading up to her birth and following. Around age 1, I looked at him and said "What were we thinking???" But now I get it.
I just wish I would have read this book when she was 1, because it could have helped me a lot. A lot, A lot.
Our prayer for Am was "That she would be a woman of God who changed the world, not be changed by it." And our prayer still stands firm as we watch her grow in knowledge and stature.
I'd say this book won my heart when in chapter 1, just a few pages in she writes:
So I picked up this book for two reasons. First of all, the title intrigued me "You Can't Make Me!" is probably something I've told people in my life over 1000 times, maybe in different words, but the point is the same. It's also something I've not necessarily heard, but have seen on my daughters face. The point when I say "Amariss, pick up your toys." and she looks at me and then goes back what to what she's doing, quietly but firmly telling me "No." And then there is the second half of the title, "But I Can Be Pursuaded" and this is my daughter to a T. The subtitle of the book is Strategies for Bringing Out the Best in Your Strong Willed Child. And that was what I really wanted to hear.
As a parent of a strong willed child (an SWC as the book has labeled them), and a strong-willed child myself, what I want is not to break my child's will but to help her use it to be all that God has intended her to be. Which means, although she has opinions and personal convictions, she doesn't have the right to be outright disobedient, defiant, rude, etc etc... However, this will of hers is something my husband and I prayed and prayed for - daily - in the months leading up to her birth and following. Around age 1, I looked at him and said "What were we thinking???" But now I get it.
I just wish I would have read this book when she was 1, because it could have helped me a lot. A lot, A lot.
Our prayer for Am was "That she would be a woman of God who changed the world, not be changed by it." And our prayer still stands firm as we watch her grow in knowledge and stature.
I'd say this book won my heart when in chapter 1, just a few pages in she writes:
"I often remind parents of SWC's that their children may change the world -- afterall, it's not likely that the world is going to change them! Your SWC may be God's instrument for making the world a better place."
And that right there was what I needed to hear. We're on the same page, that is exactly what I want for my daughter and her strong will, which incidentally proves to be much larger than mine. Hard to imagine, I know.
Although I can't cover every point of this book that stood out to me, is helping me with my parenting, or I think will prove helpful to you in yours - let me cover some of my favorite points.
"In order to avoid a confrontation when you want your child to obey you, ask yourself these important questions: Is it worth it? Is this battle worth fighting? Will this improve the quality of our relationship?"
"[SWC's] are genuinely trying to figure out what to think and how to stay in control of our world."
"As you work to get your SWC's cooperation, keep reminding yourself to focus on the point of each task. What are you trying to accomplish? Is there another way to do it? Are you challeging your child to think about the possiblities? Are you prepared to let him or her actually try some of those possibilities?"
"for the SWC there is a difference between procrastination and a lack of inspiration."
"What will it take to inspire me?"
"There's nothing so motivating as being recognized and appreciated for achieving a difficult goal."
"The behavior and attitude of your SWC will improveas you point out the areas where he or she has made a difference."
"In the real world, you get hired for the ver attributes that ge you into trouble at school!"
"You cannot excuse bad behavior; you cannot allow criminal actiity; you must not let your SWC by on special exemptions or priveleges. By the same token, you dare not assume that something is inheretnly wrong with your SWC because he or she iwll not do things your way or a certain educator's way."
"God wants each of us to come to Him and to serve Him in a way that enhances the very personality He created within us."
""Don't remind me of my failures. Keep emphasizing the progression of my successes."
Those are just a few of my favorite quotes from this book, and I can tell you it is FULL to the brim with information that can help any relationship between a parent and their strong-willed child. And as a strong-willed child, it has helped me to identify areas that I saw as weakness as parts of my character and shape me to who I am made to be, in God's image. I just need a little bit of refining here and there.
Another point, please don't think that this book is a resource encouraging you to not discipline your children. Although it never says how to discipline your children, it definately does not excuse bad behavior. At one point in the book she makes the point that SWC's will often times test the boundaries of their parents to make sure that they really do what they said they were going to do. We're just checking to see if you really do love us, and really are going to make the effort. So each time I let me girl push my boundaries a little further and a little further, I'm not showing her how much I love her. This really hit home with me, as I tend to be a push-over when it comes to that cute little face and her smile and oh gosh, she gets me every time. But I'm getting better. Once is it, I told you what I expected, I told you the consequence, now I must follow through.
If I had the resources I would carry copies of this book around with me and just start handing them out to parents, friends, everyone!
Please, please read this book! It has changed our world around here as I better understand my little girl.
It is a parenting must read!
Maybe someday I'll have a giveaway and a lucky reader can get one for free!!
(I really do love this book that much!)
And I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the book:
"If you want to motivate me, inspire me. If you want to direct me, lead the way. If you want to encourage my ambition, ignite the fire with your enthusiasm."
1.17.2012
Reflections
I was putting Am down for a nap today, an often rare occurance now that she's 4, and took sometime to just reflect.
While I reflected, little munchkin kicked away in my tummy and I marveled at being pregnant. And then like a bright flashing light it hit me.. I'm just 6 weeks away from entering my 3rd trimester. I'm litereally half way through the 2nd trimester.
I know, you're thinking.. duh, that's what 22 weeks means, but it just seems so surreal. Like last night I went to the bathroom and when I wiped I checked for blood. I've been doing this since the day I got pregnant, and then I reminded myself, again - that if there was going to be blood I would probably have had some serious contractions.
Just a couple of weeks ago I got comfortable with the idea that I'm pregnant and started getting excited. It happened while my mom and I walked around Babies R Us, a store I loved when Am was a baby and I had lots of hope for my 2nd. A store I'd come to avoid, just like maternity clothing sections and baby aisles, after the reality of loss and infertility hit us.
In my surreality, which has been accented by my husband wanting to schedule our babymoon before I get "cranky", as he put it, and realizing that our schedules are packed for the next 3 months, and realizing in 3 months I'll be having a baby... I'm getting a little overwhelmed. Like I can't wait until April for my nesting instinct to kick in... I'm going to have to force it into high gear now, while I still have some time.
This place is the pits, mostly because of the additional christmas presents that have so gloriously graced my living room, and because "catching up" on laundry never actually happens.
So for the baby, I'd say she's growing, because I can't stop eating. So, I'm going to go eat again and then maybe tackle that big pile of laundry.
Praying for all of you waiting for your babies. You are constantly on my mind, my heart is with you while you wait.
While I reflected, little munchkin kicked away in my tummy and I marveled at being pregnant. And then like a bright flashing light it hit me.. I'm just 6 weeks away from entering my 3rd trimester. I'm litereally half way through the 2nd trimester.
I know, you're thinking.. duh, that's what 22 weeks means, but it just seems so surreal. Like last night I went to the bathroom and when I wiped I checked for blood. I've been doing this since the day I got pregnant, and then I reminded myself, again - that if there was going to be blood I would probably have had some serious contractions.
Just a couple of weeks ago I got comfortable with the idea that I'm pregnant and started getting excited. It happened while my mom and I walked around Babies R Us, a store I loved when Am was a baby and I had lots of hope for my 2nd. A store I'd come to avoid, just like maternity clothing sections and baby aisles, after the reality of loss and infertility hit us.
In my surreality, which has been accented by my husband wanting to schedule our babymoon before I get "cranky", as he put it, and realizing that our schedules are packed for the next 3 months, and realizing in 3 months I'll be having a baby... I'm getting a little overwhelmed. Like I can't wait until April for my nesting instinct to kick in... I'm going to have to force it into high gear now, while I still have some time.
This place is the pits, mostly because of the additional christmas presents that have so gloriously graced my living room, and because "catching up" on laundry never actually happens.
So for the baby, I'd say she's growing, because I can't stop eating. So, I'm going to go eat again and then maybe tackle that big pile of laundry.
Praying for all of you waiting for your babies. You are constantly on my mind, my heart is with you while you wait.
1.15.2012
Resolution Update
Last week I first wrote about my New Year's Resolution to parent better. Which means to be more intentional in my parenting, training my daughter to seek God through teaching and watching.
So how did we do this week?
Well, Not perfect. However, we did a "little girl" devotional this week, memorized a bible verse, and watched fewer movies. So I'd say we're off to a good start.
Pretty far from where I'd like to be, doing a devotional once a day, working on our memory verse once a day (atleast), and having her see my spend time with God on my own. Usually I do my own personal devotional time at night, although, I'm noticing that if I take the time to spend with God during my morning I get alot more out of it... because by 9:30..10...sometimes 11 pm God gets the tired brain cells that have a hard time even reading, let alone processing.
So that's my little update. We're working on things and in time - we'll get it down.
I am looking forward to the change in Amariss as she is becoming more aware of God and others around her.
This morning on the way to church she declared "I wanted to be a real princess!" And I said "Honey, you are a real princess! If you believe that Jesus died for your sins and became alive again you are his daughter! And he is the King bigger than every other king!" To which she replied "like me! I believe that! - God's light is shining in my eyes." (as we headed towards the sun).
I love having a 4 yr old, their minds are always moving and they have the words to talk about it!
So how did we do this week?
Well, Not perfect. However, we did a "little girl" devotional this week, memorized a bible verse, and watched fewer movies. So I'd say we're off to a good start.
Pretty far from where I'd like to be, doing a devotional once a day, working on our memory verse once a day (atleast), and having her see my spend time with God on my own. Usually I do my own personal devotional time at night, although, I'm noticing that if I take the time to spend with God during my morning I get alot more out of it... because by 9:30..10...sometimes 11 pm God gets the tired brain cells that have a hard time even reading, let alone processing.
So that's my little update. We're working on things and in time - we'll get it down.
I am looking forward to the change in Amariss as she is becoming more aware of God and others around her.
This morning on the way to church she declared "I wanted to be a real princess!" And I said "Honey, you are a real princess! If you believe that Jesus died for your sins and became alive again you are his daughter! And he is the King bigger than every other king!" To which she replied "like me! I believe that! - God's light is shining in my eyes." (as we headed towards the sun).
I love having a 4 yr old, their minds are always moving and they have the words to talk about it!
1.06.2012
and to think... I wasn't going to have one!
It was New Year's Eve of this year and we all sat around the table at my parents' house. My dad, jokingly, posed the question "What's everyone's New Year's Resolution going to be?" and followed it up with a light chuckle... if you know my dad, you'll know what I mean.
Quick with my come-back (which almost never happens) I replied "I'm resolving to have a baby this year!" .... because you know, I'm pregnant. Everyone laughed... and that led to the rest of us talking about how we don't like to make New Year's Resolutions because they rarely get followed through on... and instead we like to just know what we hope to accomplish this year...
However, the next morning was Sunday and we got ourselves ready and went to Mom and Dad's church. It was such a refreshing service, probably especially to me because in the past 2 months I think I've been in 2 actual church services, between my trip to California, followed by Thanksgiving, followed by preschool class at church, followed by Christmas traveling.... etc. etc. etc.... Things have been crazy, and I've missed worshiping with other believers.
Anyway, the pastor began to preach... and immediately I was convicted. I think he started with something like this - "If you could ask for one thing what would it be?" and I knew exactly what I would ask for... healthy children. That's literally what I said in my head. A noble choice, sure... but my heart knew it wasn't the most godly... Satan instantly started attacking me with thoughts of "if you were more godly would you have thought up something more spiritual.... if you had been spending the time with God that you should be you would know the right answer to this question...." and so on, and so forth....
So where was the pastor going with this... stick with me...
Psalm 27, a passage I memorized a few years ago because of its significance in my life, vs 4
Quick with my come-back (which almost never happens) I replied "I'm resolving to have a baby this year!" .... because you know, I'm pregnant. Everyone laughed... and that led to the rest of us talking about how we don't like to make New Year's Resolutions because they rarely get followed through on... and instead we like to just know what we hope to accomplish this year...
However, the next morning was Sunday and we got ourselves ready and went to Mom and Dad's church. It was such a refreshing service, probably especially to me because in the past 2 months I think I've been in 2 actual church services, between my trip to California, followed by Thanksgiving, followed by preschool class at church, followed by Christmas traveling.... etc. etc. etc.... Things have been crazy, and I've missed worshiping with other believers.
Anyway, the pastor began to preach... and immediately I was convicted. I think he started with something like this - "If you could ask for one thing what would it be?" and I knew exactly what I would ask for... healthy children. That's literally what I said in my head. A noble choice, sure... but my heart knew it wasn't the most godly... Satan instantly started attacking me with thoughts of "if you were more godly would you have thought up something more spiritual.... if you had been spending the time with God that you should be you would know the right answer to this question...." and so on, and so forth....
So where was the pastor going with this... stick with me...
Psalm 27, a passage I memorized a few years ago because of its significance in my life, vs 4
One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.
And that got me thinking...
That's what I want... that's really what I want for my children...
I wanted healthy children, but realistically, God never told us we'd always be healthy on earth, or that life would always be easy....
What I truly want for my children is that they would dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of their life, that they would gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and seek him in his temple....
That's what I really want for my children.
And how can I spend this year guiding Am (and her new sister to come) in that way?
First of all, I want to teach Am to seek God by showing her her parents seeking God.
Secondly, I want to teach Am to seek God by teaching her God's word. She can't read yet, but she is at an age where she can memorize like its nobody's business. When I was a kid I had this capability too, and instead of watching her memorize movie lines... (which she inherited from me).... I want to teach her to memorize scripture. That the word of God would be hidden in her heart... so that my young little duckling would know the word of God because she often times repeats it to herself when she needs it!!
Thirdly, I want to teach Am to seek God by teaching her how to learn from God's word. So that all those verses she hides away in her heart wouldn't just be spoken words, but that they would be practical and applicable to her life. That when she grows up she doesn't boast about how much scripture she knows for awards or "cool" factor among her church friends, but she would be thankful for the scripture she knows because it carried her through her toughest times.
Fourth, I want to teach my daughter to pray. Lets just be honest... this cute little girl doesn't like to pray. I have to admit I feel super guilty whenever my friends tell me stories about their munchkins praying before bed, before dinner, or whenever... This one... not so much. However, every once in awhile... (great once in awhile) she'll tell us its her turn to pray... and then I know... she's listening, she's watching, and someday she'll bust out in prayer. In the meantime, my husband and I will continue to model prayer in everything we do whether before bed, before meals, when someone is hurt, when we can't find what we need... wherever we are being constant communication with God.
And Finally, We want to teach our daughter to seek God through fasting. Lets be real candid. My husband and I are not super good at fasting... as in, it doesn't happen very often. More for my husband than for me. And this area of fasting can be tricky as its not something you want to do publicly and pridefully. However, how can we teach our young daughter to seek God while leaving out this important principal of fasting? More so, how can we become better at fasting so that we are even in any way able to model this for our offspring? Children learn by example... and frankly when it comes to fasting, my example sucks. How can I present a better model of fasting... especially while pregnant? I don't actually know. but I'm going to pray about it, seek the Father's face on this issue... and see what he tells me.
So, in essence, I do have a New Year's Resolution.
I am resolving to parent better. To be a mother who teaches my children to seek God, while I myself continue to learn to seek God more.
Amen.
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