Facebook Frustrations

It has been awhile since I've had a chance to sit down and write!  Life has been so busy, and honestly - enjoyable - that sitting down to write about it means I will probably miss something.  And when it comes to these growing girls, I don't want to miss a thing!

Our adoption plans have been put on a temporary hold.  We had a bit of a hiccup that I can explain in further detail another time.  At any rate, as we learned from the beginning, we have to trust God in all things - and we're learning to trust him here too.  If you wouldn't mind praying for us that we would be pursuing God's plan for our family in all things.

I was thinking this morning about Facebook.  That website that occupies so much of our precious time - the one I love and loathe at the same time.

I love the social aspect; the feeling that I can connect with dear friends that live far away, ask questions of like-minded moms (and offer opinions too), discuss childbirth and doula care, meet & cheer on women going through the trenches of infertility and miscarriage (these women have become very dear friends of mind as well), and stay up-to-date on the goings-on in the world.  I fear that if it weren't for Facebook I would be woefully uninformed about important and some rather unimportant things.

But then there is the part I loathe about Facebook.  Gossip, drama, time-suck, and that other thing - the part about my kids.  Whether I'm writing about the good they did, the bad they did, or the CrAzY - I'm writing, rather publicly, about my kids - not me.

This hit me - rather poignantly - about two years ago.  My oldest daughter was three and full of curiosity and energy.  I don't know what I posted, probably something about the CrAzY - because there is a lot of crazy in this house.  I probably wrote it to get it off my chest, or to relay the funny story to a friend - but as soon as I wrote it, I forgot about it.  It was later that evening, that I ran into a Facebook friend who asked my daughter about the incident.  My three year old looked at her, totally confused, as if to say "How do you know about that?"  

And that's when it hit me:
When I write something on Facebook, I'm not just writing it to a friend - or a few friends.  I'm writing it to over 400 people, many whom I don't know well, most who don't know my children at all.  I don't want my kids to feel confused as to how people found out about their good, bad, or crazy.

I wish that two years ago, when I first realized that damage Facebook could do to my children, I would have followed my own instinct and quit posting about my kids.  Instead of writing the funny things they say on Facebook, I should rather take that time and write them in a book.  I have journals for both of my girls - but rarely write in them.

Someday these stories are going to make me laugh, if they haven't already, and I'm going to want to read about them.  My guess is, my kids will want to read about them too.  29+ "like" 's are nice for today, but in a few weeks I'll forget what she said and Facebook doesn't transpose so well.  I've tried.

So today after my one of my daughters makes me want to pull my hair out, or 'LOL', or 'smh' - I'm going to try and write it down, not for the world to see - but for her to see - when she's older, when it will make her laugh out loud, or shake her own head. 

**I also want to clarify that because I don't write about my parenting fails, my children's mistakes, or all the negative stuff that can happen in life - it doesn't mean it doesn't happen here too.  We're human too.  But when I run into 'friends' I want them to see my kids for who they are, not how I portrayed them on Facebook.**    

Step-by-step...

I knew I would blog this week, there is so much to say, but I haven't known how to say it.

Really, there hasn't been a whole lot to report.  I made a surprise trip to Arkansas two weekends ago to surprise my mom for her birthday!  (and if I was really great at taking pictures I'd have some for you, but wrangling two kids by myself for a 12 hr drive was enough).

On our way to Arkansas we got the news that our application had been accepted by the agency and we were ready to move on with the next step!  That step was signing a lot of paperwork...

Officially, the paperwork has been signed and mailed, and according to the United States Postal Service should arrive at our agency's head office on Thursday.  Woohoo!

I really feel God's hand in all of this.  Down to every last tiny, seemingly unimportant detail like our paperwork arriving on Thursday, November 21.

A little over 6 months ago we miscarried a little boy, Isaiah.  Many of you have seen our posts and have shown us so much support.  Amazingly, our hearts have healed so well from this loss, which I know is nothing short of God's divine goodness.  We were blessed to have a memorial service for him, and because of this, his loss helped bring closure to us from 7 years of miscarriages.

We had begun looking into adoption in January of this year, long before we knew we were expecting.  With our pregnancy we put adoption off to the side for awhile.  When we lost Isaiah, and were ready to pursue adoption again, I knew I would not be fully ready until we had passed and mourned his due date.  This Wednesday, November 20, is Isaiah's due date.

He sees us, he hears us.  He knows exactly who we are, and where we are in our journey.  God does not take a single thing for granted.  

Sunday, one of our pastor's reminded us that "Our God takes impossibilities and makes them possibilities."  That is so true.  From step one he has taken what seems impossible to us and opened a door and made it a possibility.  He has closed doors that we may have wanted to step through, knowing it wasn't the right plan for us.  We are completely trusting Him as we take one more step toward our possibility.

Today we also remember our 2nd miscarriage.  Our little baby, Tiny, was miscarried on November 18, 2006.  Sometimes I wonder when I will stop remembering these anniversaries, but my heart feels that as long as we live, we won't.  These little ones, a part of our lives for an incredibly too short amount of time, are a part of us.  We lost Tiny while at a FamilyLife Marriage Conference, we were a little over 6 weeks along.

So, this week is strangely bittersweet.  We mourn a lot of loss but look forward with tempered anticipation for all that is to come.

The Garage Sale

Our first adoption fundraiser was last Saturday!  We had a garage sale to help raise funds and it was so exciting.  My very good friends spent Wednesday and Thursday at my mother-in-laws house tagging/organizing/sorting all in preparation for Friday afternoon and Saturday.  And my mother-in-law deserves a medal of honor for watching my kids AND my friends' kids all day Wednesday and Thursday!!

There were so many generous friends who donated so much to this sale!  There is no way we would have done so well without all of you!  We had a full garage and full driveway with everything from nearly every size of children's clothing, to toys, to maternity clothes, to housewares, to a huge toolbox and fencing!

It was amazing.  

Everything did not sell :( but we are going to pack everything back up and try again for the spring city-wide!  We might have a baby by then (who knows?) but even if we do, we will still be paying for this adoption, so all the funds will still go towards our adoption fund.  

International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

October 15 is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Tonight at 7 pm a candle will be lit in our home remembering our 7 babies, as well as those who have been lost too early throughout the world.

When you lose a baby a piece of your heart goes with them.

There is so much going on in our lives right now, but I cannot forget our littlest ones.

This morning I woke up and didn't even realize it was October 15.  To be honest I'd forgotten about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.  But I had this deep desire to wear my new shirt.  It says "I'll hold you in my heart, until I can hold you in my arms"  I love how God did that for me today.

I'm holding each baby securely in my heart until I can hold them in my arms.

Remember these sweet babies by lighting a candle at 7pm tonight.  

Training days...

The song above is Oceans by Hillsong United.

I can't help but feel like this is where we are right now, where we have been so many times before.  I wish I could say that I have answers right now, but I don't.  Aaron and I both had our blood drawn a little over two weeks ago and we're playing the waiting game with the lab.

I'm not a good wait-er.

So far, we know one thing.  We will adopt.  The logistics haven't been figured out though.

I want to add before I go on that I read an awesome article today about adoption.  So to clear up any misunderstandings, we are choosing to adopt because we want to adopt!  This isn't our last resort, this isn't a "have to" decision.  We always knew that we would adopt, even before we started having children, we just didn't know when, where, or how.  Now we know, this is the time.  The where and how are still coming together.

At this - the first stage - we are still making a lot of decisions.  We have a lot of adoption options ahead of us and we are praying for guidance.

Would you please pray with us?  We need lots of guidance!  There are so many decisions to make and we know that we will be taking those first steps soon.

I'm learning to trust, more and more, throughout this process.  It seems that lately we only know the next step and at many times we don't entirely know what the next step looks like - we just know we have to take it.

I was reading in Jeremiah yesterday and this verse really spoke to me:

Jeremiah 12:5 

"If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses?  If you stumble in safe country, how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordan?"

It just reminded me that all of this, all we've been through up to this point - everything - it's training us.  Someday our lives will be even more confusing.  There may be a point when we are making even more decisions and having to rely even more on God for direction.  This point in our lives is not the end, there is more.  This is training.

When I look ahead and think "There's MORE?!" I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and even a little defeated.  But when I look back and see what God has brought us through, how we have grown, changed, developed - I'm encouraged.  He's growing me!  This is hard, but He is growing me - and I'll be better equipped to handle more and different!

We are also beginning to raise funds for our adoption.  We are hosting our first Kellett Family Adoption Garage Sale on October 12!  If you have any items you would like to donate (and you know us personally)  or would just like to shop and support our adoption we would love to have you come by!

You can email me for details or follow me on facebook for details.  (Again, if you know us personally)

Choosing Joy

This morning started out rough.  Actually, no - it didn't.  It started out great!  Tiny slept all night long, which is pretty rare, so I woke up well rested and ready for the day.

But then I lost track of time, and made an unfortunate discovery.  I had made a mistake a few months ago, that I didn't find out about until this morning and it ended up costing us money.  I really hate it when I make mistakes, especially financial ones.  So to say I was in a sour mood would be true.

We were on our way to Noodle's ballet class this morning and all I could think was "What else could happen today?  This day is just going to stink!"

Then I gently reminded myself to choose joy.  It wasn't an easy choice.  I kept reminding myself of all my failures and ways that I was pretty sure I wouldn't measure up today. But I prayed, I hashed it out with Jesus a bit - not wanting to choose joy, more or less forcing myself into it.

 To be honest, I didn't measure up today, I rarely do.

But I decided that at the end of this day, I would choose joy.  I wouldn't sit around and think about how terrible I did at being a great mom, or how my house doesn't look any better than it did when we started the day (and actually it probably looks worse), or that school wasn't as organized as I thought, or that we ended up eating leftovers instead of making a real dinner.

Truth is, today wasn't a stellar day for me and tomorrow probably won't be either.

But I've got joy.  I see love in my children's faces and I delight in their laughter and voices.  I kept calm when my patience was tested today, I let my daughter throw herself on the piles of laundry on the couch, and tried not to think about what I should really be doing with that laundry...

We did school; with jewels that my daughter wanted to use for a craft.  We'll eat dinner; not what was planned and we will enjoy this evening and enjoy each other.

Some days do not go like you plan them to, but that is okay.  At the end of the day I chose joy.  I messed up.  I made mistakes.

But there is a new day coming and today I'm not going to beat myself up over my shortcomings.

Any of you have days when you have to choose to be joyful?

The Men In My Life

A few days ago a good friend of mine posted a campaign on Facebook to uplift the good men in our lives.  I haven't yet updated any of my status's to reflect how much I support her campaign.  I thought about doing so, but I just have so many things to say that I thought I'd compile it into a blog post instead.




The first man I ever met was my Dad.  He is an incredible guy, and if you've met him - you know exactly what I'm saying.  Hard worker to the core, loves Jesus with everything in him and cares deeply about the people in his life.  This year he and my mom celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary, and he is more in love with her every day and it is evident to everyone around him.  He is helpful to his neighbors and friends and loves to encourage people.  My dad never yelled at us but was firm and raised us diligently to love God and honor him.  He is an incredible man. I could go on for hours.





The next men I met in my life and truly love are my older brothers.  And of course when I met them they were just 5 and 3 but my mom tells me often the things they used to say over me.  The first story I hear often is when I was just a baby laying in my crib and my brothers leaned over and asked mom "When do we get to play with her?"  and another story about my brothers saying "We'll have to pray that she grows up to ask Jesus into her heart."  I have incredible older brothers.  They were very protective over me growing up and although we were siblings and had our moments they were brief and our house was full of much love.  These guys have grown up to be husbands who love their wives and it is evident when you meet them.  I'm sure they are more fiercely protective over their wives and children than they were over me.  I love spending time with them and being around them because they are loving and kind and hard workers.  Just like my dad.






And then there is my husband - He is amazing.  I truly got the cream of the crop with this one.  I have a husband who loves God with all that is within him and loves his family.  He cares about the spiritual health of our family and will pray with me every morning before leaving for work, even when I'm sleeping and don't realize he did (he sometimes tells me the funny things I say during these non-awake times).  He works hard to come home and spend time with us, because being with his family is what he enjoys most.  He is respected and liked by his coworkers and everyone who has met him loves him.  He is always joyful and always loving.  He thinks the best of people and does not judge them.  He makes me feel taken care of, loved, appreciated and valued.  He sees our children as the precious gifts that they are and he strives to raise them in a way that honors God.  My husband puts others needs above his own and when he tells you he will pray for you, he will, passionately.  He is genuine and honest (seriously, he will not tell a lie or cheat at any game.) He is a blessing to those around him chooses not to over commit so that he can diligently follow through on his commitments.  He takes his job as the leader of our home very seriously, and ensures that all the members of his home are taken care of and loved.  We are truly blessed to have this man.




There are so many other characteristics I could say about these men in my life, but this short summary will have to do for now.  I am so thankful for the unique role they have played in my life and for the blessing I have been given to have a loving father, brothers, and husband.  I do not take these gifts for granted.

I love you guys!

Waiting

Years ago, before I ever met my husband, I was a young high school graduate weeks away from starting my first day of college.  I was all of the emotions you are supposed to feel heading off to school, but I was also a little bit disappointed: I was 18 years old and I had never had a boyfriend.

I know, tragedy.  It clearly was not the end of the world, and I knew God had all things working out in the end, but I couldn't help but wonder how this was going to work with my plan.  I had told my mom earlier that summer that my plan was to date someone for two years and then get married, in between my sophomore and junior year of college.  (Why this was my master plan, I'm not entirely sure.)  My mom chuckled and suggested I "find somebody quick, since I would be getting married in two years."

I was walking through the small corridor of the office I had worked at my junior and senior year of high school, I was just thinking. There wasn't a whole lot of chitchat in this office (surprisingly,since it was an office of all women) everyone was always working on what they were doing - and my job - well, it was rather brainless, so I thought a lot.  This one particular afternoon, I was thinking about all the crushes I'd had over the years and had even daydreamed about marrying the cute guy that worked at the assessors office whom I had never talked to.  I was walking between rows of file cabinets and my desk, and I heard it - "Wait for the Lord."  It was completely clear to me, as though a voice literally spoke it.  And I was done.  I was done pining over guys I'd seen, I was done daydreaming about who I'd marry - I was even okay with not getting married.  I literally stopped in my tracks grabbed a piece of yellow note paper and a pencil and wrote it down and stuck it in my pocket.  When I got home, I nailed it to my bulletin board.

It was done, I was done.

That was my first experience with "waiting for the Lord" - and, I was particularly blessed with God understanding how very little patience I have when it was just 3 days later that I received a phone call from a friend asking me to come over a for an impromptu party, and it was there that I met the man who would become my best friend and later my husband.  (I'm happy to say, that I did get married when I would have been in between my sophomore and junior year of college, had I continued on that far...)

My next experience with "waiting for the Lord" came a few years later.  Our church had a Wednesday morning prayer time and my good friend and I would go and pray for about an hour.  For a few weeks while I was praying I felt compelled to memorize Psalm 27. The final verse (v 14) says:

"Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord."

I relied on this verse for years.  I clung to these verses when my husband and I disagreed on when was the right time to have a baby.  I clung to these verses when we experienced miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage and I didn't know when we would be able to have a baby. I've quoted this verse over and over to myself throughout the years.  

And now - years later, it is still ringing true.  

Last night when our worship time was finished our pastor began reading Psalm 27.  At the time, I didn't realize it; I knew the verses were familiar but couldn't quite place them, and then  just a few verses in it hit me - I know this chapter!  And I knew what was coming - "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."  

Waiting, I'm still not very good at it.  A day of waiting feels like an eternity but I know it will soon be over.  I know that while I want to wish away waiting, I don't want to wish away life so I am learning, so slowly it seems, to wait patiently for the Lord.  

Wait. Wait. Wait.  

The last few weeks have felt like they are just dragging; two steps forward, one step back.  An email that gets my hopes up, and then knowing its not what we are supposed to do.  Insurance calls, doctors office calls and visits, all working up to one test - and then more waiting.  Results - that will bring more waiting.  

Waiting, waiting, waiting.  

It reminds me of the line in the Dr. Suess book Oh, the Places You'll Go. 

 "The Waiting Place ... for people just waiting."  

It goes on to say:

"NO! That's not for you!  

Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying.  

You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing."

I feel like, that's where we are right now - the Waiting Place - but it is exactly where we are supposed to be.  

All this waiting, its doing something in us, it is growing us, preparing us, changing us for who we are going to be - for where we are going to be.  We are headed into a new stage of our lives, with new and different adventures.  T

hings will not be easier, but they will be different.

And right now, right here - this waiting place - this is the only place that I feel confident is where God has us for now.  I hope we don't hang out here for long, but if we do - we know that it is all in preparation for something greater. 

  

I changed our web address!

If you hadn't noticed ;) I changed our web address, and hopefully in the coming months I'll change up some other things around this place!  Hopefully I will be able to post a few more PAIL blog posts and generally keep things better updated.

This blog will no longer be about all things pregnancy/miscarriage, it will now encompass all things about our family that we want to blog about!

I will also be using nicknames for our daughters from here on out!  So don't be surprised to see Noodle and Tiny as names frequented on our blog!

Looking forward to meeting more of you!!

Help me find it

Wasting time on facebook tonight, a friend had posted this song.

It is by Sidewalk Prophets, and not one I had heard before, but it fits exactly how we feel right now.

I can't remember who I have told what to, so if I'm repeating myself I will edit it later.  Our final test results for the last blood test we needed done to check for an immun...  uh, there are words I don't know or understand about to be said - immuno - something...  Essentially, here's the down-low:

In January of 2007 we had a giant gammot of blood tests done to determine potential causes for our recurrent miscarriages.  They checked for things like Lupus, MTHFR, and some other things...  Something to the effect of, if your immune system attacks the baby it causes tiny blood clots in the placenta and the baby cannot get the oxygen and nutrients it needs and dies, and then you miscarry.  Well, back in 2007 they didn't know as much as they know now, so there is another test in that protocol that I hadn't had done.  The Beta 2 Glycoproteins test.  I had another test done (and I can't remember what it was called either) - because in 2007 my results tested "intermediate" which really doesn't mean anything, and would not be a cause of miscarriage but they retested it anyway.

Because the things they tested this time had a treatment, if I tested positive for either of them my miscarriage risk would drop to 15 -20 % (normal for most women) if I were to get pregnant and follow the treatment protocol.

However, I tested in the normal range for both of these.  Which is good, I'm glad I don't have anything wrong with me, but it still leaves us looking for answers.  It also leaves us with a miscarriage risk of 30-50% because of our history.

So, now we are at a crossroads with big decisions to make.  And to be honest, for the first time in months my husband and I are on the same page.

We both agree, we're on the "wait and see" page.  We don't know what to do.  So for now, we wait for what God might show us.  Praying for big answers in the next few months - the kind with giant flashing signs that say "THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!"

This song says exactly what I'm thinking and feeling tonight.  Thank you so much for all of your prayers on this journey, we really do appreciate all of them!

New Web Address Ideas?

I have long since *not-preferred* our web address fertilevsinfertile.blogspot.com.

I selected this address when we were in the height of a fertility crisis.  I, who could once get pregnant very easily was struggling with Secondary Infertility.  It was difficult and overwhelming.  Not only that, but we were still struggling with Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and I very much felt stuck in the middle of the fertility wheel.

I had 1 child and wanted another.  I felt guilty for once being fertile, and frustrated that I no longer was - and that if I did get pregnant, I might miscarry.

However, after years of having this web address I've found that it feels like maybe I'm expressing a competition between fertiles and infertiles.  And truly, that couldn't be further from the truth.

And truth be told, infertility is not a struggle I have anymore although Recurrent Pregnancy Loss still is.

I've always wondered when this picture might come in handy

My husband and I are at a crossroads in our journey.  We are not sure how the rest of our children will come to us, but we know we are still patiently waiting for more.

This blog has become more than writing abo
ut our fertility issues, our miscarriages, or our pregnancies.  This blog is a story of our lives.  Where I write about whatever comes to me, usually miscarriage - but often times just life in general.

So, for those of you who read this blog - or might start - Can you help me come up with some ideas for a new web address?  

I was thinking something more general, that related to us as a family and not so much a particular subject matter.

A quick update!

It has to be a quick update because I'm pretty sure if I blink my life will fly past me!

Homeschooling:

My daughter doing a numbers puzzle.

We have been so busy this week with our first week of homeschooling and to top it off I got a cold.  So, in between trying to modify lesson plans or prepare for the next day, I was trying to catch sleep where I could and continue to keep up with our regular activities.  To say this week has been crazy would be an understatement.

But, my 5 year old is really enjoying Kindergarten at home and my 1 year old hates it.  But we'll figure things out with her, it might mean postponing school until her afternoon nap time.  Which is what I'm going to try and do today since yesterday was so awful.

On the reproductive front:  
After a little bit of office mix-up at my midwife's office (really who can blame them they have a ton of patients) and maybe a misunderstanding on my part, after 3 weeks I finally got my blood tests ordered and drawn on Tuesday afternoon.  I haven't heard back yet what the results were.  I called yesterday but something tells me I probably won't know until Monday and even then I'll need to schedule an appointment with my midwife to discuss our options from here.

So that is where we sit right now.  We are still waiting for answers, and I feel like I'm right on the precipice of major decision making.  The outcome of these tests will make a lot of decisions for us right off the top, which is encouraging, but I know that they will also spark more discussion, more planning, and maybe even a little more confusion as we now have to take the next step.

In the meantime I am going to enjoy the weekend coming up.  We finally have very little on our agenda and I'm looking forward to enjoying family time and hopefully cleaning the house.  (Betya never thought you'd hear me say that, eh?)

Happy Friday!

Homeschooling

A few years ago we approached the idea of homeschooling our children.  We tried it for a few weeks when our daughter was just 3 and things didn't go so smoothly.  She didn't enjoy the sitting and working worksheets.  2 years have passed since then, and it seemed that overnight our vision completely changed.  We went from "We can't homeschool"  to  "This is something we might be able to do".

And here we are -

We begin homeschooling Noodle tomorrow!  I can't believe Kindergarten is already here, and as I spend this afternoon cutting out calendars and letters and other activities we have planned for this week I just can't help but think about how 5 years has flown by too fast.  This next year is certainly going to be a busy one, but hopefully a very enjoyable and fruitful year for us too.  Our Noodle Doodle is excited and so am I!


I am no photographer but I hope to be taking regular pictures of our homeschool adventures so that at the end of the year I can put together a little yearbook for Noodle.

Here we goooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Just one of those days

Some days my heart can't help but hurt.

I don't know why.  Maybe it is the rain just like the day of his service, the unusually chilly weather for early May, wearing the same sweatshirt as the day we lost him, the abundance of pregnancy announcements and photos on facebook...  Lots of little things can all add up, and I ache to hold my baby.

Strange to say, isn't it?  If he were still here I would feel him moving around my tummy.  I'd be tired, taking this opportunity to lay down and marvel at the way God creates a child inside his mother.  So, it is very strange to say that I ache to hold my baby.  I wouldn't just be holding him now, I'd be enveloping him - surrounding him with my whole person, nurturing him as he grows and becomes all that he needs to be to be healthy outside of me.

Instead, I take a few deep breaths, listen to some sweet songs, and weep.  Then I pick up my feet, and move on.

Each day I move on...

July 19 & 20

Today I had my appointment with the Genetic Counselor and MFM specialist.  It was an informative meeting, and although we don't have any solid answers, there are a few more tests that can be done.

We had a pretty thorough work-up done in 2007 which showed I was basically negative for everything.  There has been another test developed since then that I will have done, as well as repeating one of the previous tests because the results were "intermediate".  Not normal, not high - but intermediate.  Sure, we'll repeat it.

If these tests come back normal we will *hopefully* depending on insurance woes - move on to chromosomal testing for a translocation.  This would be that either my husband or myself, or both, I guess, could have an issue where all the information is there, but its a little wonky so it might get passed on incorrectly resulting in a lot of early losses.

Right now, there are a lot of unknowns.  So, we just take it step by step.

Tomorrow marks 7 years since our very first miscarriage.  We lost Baby K, at 7 wks 5 days gestation.  It is a hard reminder of July 20 of all that has happened since that day.  All that we never imagined would happen, but yet all of the strength we have gained from this.  God has carried us through more dark days than I wanted to dream possible on that day in July.  I never thought I would survive another miscarriage, let alone 6 more miscarriages.  But we did, we survived and our faith has been strengthened because of it.

July is a difficult month.  It seems we like to get pregnant in June - resulting in 4 of our losses in July.

This post if for Baby K, Cinco, Woven, & Bunnin - our July babies - I love you.


Tomorrow is Walcott Day, I won't have a post because it is my favorite day of the year.  I'll be too busy enjoying small town life and running a 5k I have not properly trained for.  But it will be awesome because Walcott Day is always awesome.

I am a little bummed though that I have a shirt with July 20 imprinted on it.  I don't like to be reminded of this day, it always makes me take a sharp breath in and sigh.


A lot has happened in 7 years.

What the future holds....

There has been so much rolling around in my brain these last few weeks about the future and what it holds for our family.

I have ideas spinning like you would not believe and I am sure it is only a matter of time before they are available for all the world to see!

On the miscarriage front -

We have an appointment this Friday to meet with the Genetic Counselor, a MFM, and a MFM/Geneticist.  I am excited and nervous about this appointment.  I'm sure there will be more genetic tests for us to undergo and hopefully there will be answers.  However, I am trying not to get my hopes up as from what I've read 60% of miscarriages remain unexplained even after genetic testing.

My heart is still healing from Isaiah's loss.  Moving on is much harder this time and I've had to be careful to guard my heart against things that might cause me more grief.  It is frustrating to feel limited, but I have been instead pouring myself into some ideas I have and looking forward to the vast realm of possibilities that God could have laid out for us.

There is so much inside of me I just might burst!  And every day brings us one step closer.

I wish I was in my second trimester.

I'm happily away visiting my parents house for the next few weeks.  Us girls have left hubby alone to fend for himself as we vacation in a little slice of paradise... 

I can't help but remember how I had envisioned this trip a few months ago.  Expecting to be nearly 20 weeks pregnant by now, clearly showing and feeling all those kicks and rolls of our 3rd baby. 

Instead, I open my facebook news feed all to often and see posts from pregnant friends that have passed me on my journey.  The ones that stayed pregnant.  I wouldn't wish for anything different for them, but a little piece of my heart aches a tiny bit every time and I sigh and think:

 'I wish I was in my second trimester.' 

I'm stuck in a strange world.  The world at peace, and the world so sad.  The world that forgets that Isaiah will not join our family and the world that is so thankful I was able to spend so much time with him and have a beautiful memorial service for him. 

To think that I was supposed to be so pregnant this time of year, and now it is sometimes hard for me to remember I even was pregnant just a few months ago. It baffles me. 

People ask me how I am, and truly, genuinely, I am good.  Really good, God is so faithful, so constant, so true.  He has never let me down or abandoned me.  I feel his strength when I don't want to go on and his peace when I think the road ahead is too overwhelming.  But in the midst of all of that, I just miss Isaiah. 

That's all there is to it.  I miss him.  The little boy I never had a chance to meet.  The one we didn't plan but were so excited to have.  The one who could have been a playmate for his older cousins and whose big sisters would have dressed him up in fairy costumes and hair bows while he ran around with a sword in his hand and built lego houses. 

I miss him, a lot.  Every day, I miss him. 

So if you ask me how I am, and you can see that I'm truly good, its because I am.

But I still miss my son. 

Set-backs, hurdles, & hoops

All around the merry-go-round the monkey chased the weasel...

Yep, that's how it goes!  I'm the monkey, another child is the weasel... one day it will just POP!  There's the weasel!

But we could be chasing it for a very long time.

Let me start at the beginning of yesterday.  I received a letter in the mail from my insurance regarding the out-of-network provider referral.  In it, I discovered that I was not approved for testing or treatment by and MFM, I was approved for a Consult Only. (Bolded and Underlined, just like that).

After that I called to reschedule my appointment with UofI because of my out-of-state schedule conflict.  After several phone calls, and transfers - I found my way to the right people.  But, they were out for lunch.

A few hours later my call was returned by the Genetic Counselor to just schedule my appointment herself.  Which I thought was pretty nice of her.  I found out that my appointment is not with an MFM only.  My appointment is in their once a month Genetics Clinic, in which my husband and I will meet with the Genetic Counselor, a Maternal Fetal Specialist, and someone else...  (unfortuanately, my mind was a little blown during our conversation to retain what type of doctor the third person is.)  They will sit down with us for an hour, go over everything there is to go over and then give us their recommendations.  We then can go somewhere else to get the tests done if we need to.

Anyway, it sounds hopeful, but also a little disheartening. Since its a once a month deal and I can't make the June clinic, I have to wait until July.  But even then I don't really have a new doctor, or a follow up appointment, or a clear vision of where we go from here.

So there you have it - more chasing, more dreaming.

All for the best I suppose, I'm not ready yet to begin trying for another baby anyway.

And round and round we go

**I wrote this post yesterday, and I will add that I am feeling much better today.  Not so down and worn out by the hormones.  I definitely have a much better perspective today - but these were yesterday's thoughts, and sometimes I do really feel them.**

It's cycle day 2 here and I forgot what this was like.  My last actual period was in January, all other since bleeding has been a subchorionic hemorrhage or my miscarriage.

Believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to this cycle.  For the first time since purchasing it, I get to use my Diva Cup.  Not sure what a Diva Cup is?  Click the link - and then cringe... or if you don't want to know, just stay in the dark.

I was not prepared, however, for the HORMONES.  Oh.my.goodness.  The last week has been a sugar eating disaster, as I try to lead my family towards healthy eating, and then sneak 15 mini snickers after everyone has gone to bed.   Or eat 3 smores at the cookout, or down just 1 more cherry coke.  Yes, my running has taken a significant hit from all the sugar.

This also happens to be the week that our 1 year old has transitioned out of our bed.  The transition has gone so smoothly, so I can't complain - however, she still wakes up to nurse twice a night.  Only now, instead of whipping up my shirt for easy and convenient feeding... I must trudge all the way upstairs.  And I do mean, trudge.

However, she is sleeping better and longer - and my husbands alarm clock no longer wakes her up at 6 am every morning.  Couldn't be happier about that.

Today, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Which is sad really, we slept on new clean sheets last night and they were so soft, I should have woken up happier.

But the cramps, the fatigue, the irritability, everything that accompany's this monthly event is just wearing me down.

On top of everything else, having my period - is just a reminder of everything that was and should be and now isn't.  At least, isn't here.  Isaiah is, he very much so, is.  He just is somewhere else - with Jesus.  With 6 other beautiful babies I have not yet met.  And I'm down because of that.

Down because I wish I was pregnant, down because I wish I was sleeping in my bed on this rainy day, or cuddled up on the couch watching a movie, or not wondering how in the world I'm going to clean my house before this weekend.

Probably mostly down, because when you're on your period - silver linings are very hard to see.  I'm too tired to think clearly and see the other side; that next week I'll feel better.  I won't be tired, the sun will be shining and it will *hopefully* be warm, and my memories and heartaches will find their place in my heart, to be moments of reflection and not hours of sadness.

Don't think I'm not happy.  I love snuggling with my girls on these days, after reading a sad story I draw them close to me, take deep breaths of their sweet scents and sometimes stinky breath and I know very deeply that I treasure them.  That I don't take my girls for granted.  That when Isaiah is not here, and when things seem so frustrating and bleak.  When I look around and have no one close that really understands it all, I know that I have my sweet girls and one day, not too far awa,y if I think in a heavenly perspective, one day - I will draw in the sweet scent of not just 2 babies, but 9.

9.  That number makes my heartache.  I've been pregnant 9 times.

If I ever get pregnant again the question I will be asked at every appointment will be "Which pregnancy is this?"  10. "And how many live children?" 2.

Yes. That will be me.

Acronyms and MFM

In the years since I joined the vast blogging world, mostly reading, sometimes typing - my repertoire of acronyms has greatly increased.

I now know LOTS of acronyms for words people just don't want to type over and over again.  It's like being on Facebook when someone rights SMH and you think "what?!"

It's "Shakes My Head" - I know because I googled it.

In the TTC (trying to conceive) world, you'll see acronyms you never knew existed from CM - cervical mucous to RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist.  Everyone who's TTC sees an RE - or so it seems.

But when I mentioned the idea of seeing an RE to my MW (midwife) she instead suggested I see someone in Maternal Fetal Medicine - and what did I find out - there's and acronym for that too!  MFM

She thinks I should see an MFM because my issue isn't TTC as much as it is RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss)

So - I am on the hunt for an MFM, one that is awesome, and my insurance covers.  Good luck to me - because according to the provider network search on their website - this does not exist.

So, tomorrow I call the insurance just to verify that they do not cover MFM's and that I do, indeed, need my midwife's office to fill out an Out Of Network Provider Referral form.  And then call my MW office to request they fill out those forms for me...

I hate being a pain in the tush.

Comparisons: The Deadly Trap

Have you ever read a story and thought to yourself "Wow.  That is really powerful!  I wish my story was that impressive."

I was just thinking that.  I play the comparison game way too often with myself; looking at other people's stories, lives, or opportunities as ways to make myself feel less.  

I've realized though, that I'm not the only one.  People have compared themselves to me!  And I think, uh... I wish I could be flattered, instead I find that you are sorely mistaken!!

I keep having to remind myself that we are all just humans.  She's human, I'm human, you're human.  And God did not create all humans to have the same stories, they are all different for special reasons and purposes.  Sometimes we choose the path our lives take, sometimes we don't - either way my story is not supposed to look like hers, your story is not supposed to look like mine.

If I keep this perspective in mind, it helps me from playing the comparison game.  It helps me from getting jealous that her story sounds cooler than mine, or more exciting, or like she is a better multi-tasker, or that she is more capable than me.  No, none of those things are true - today she might be cooler than me, but that's because we had a different day.  Tomorrow my day might be more exciting, and for goodness sake, next week her balls in the air might come tumbling down while I'm juggling with ease.  I might have PMS today, and she might be at her peak hormonal performance.

Lysa Turkhurst says in her book Unglued:  "Comparison steals celebration."  She goes on to say "We stop celebrating our own good and have a really hard time celebrating others' good."

What a profound statement and truth.  How often have I done that?  I stop seeing all the good God is doing in and through me and I get angry about all the good God is doing in and through someone else!  That is so backward and contrary to what God has called us as believers to do.

Just some conviction for myself tonight as I jealously began to think that someone else's story might be more powerful than mine.

Happy First Birthday Zemirah!

Can you believe it was 1 year ago today that I gave birth to this little cutie??

Oh my gosh, she's so cute!  I can't get enough!!  

Here she is today, as cute as ever!  I can't believe how quickly this year has flown!

And in case you can't see her gorgeous eyes in that picture, here's another one ~

She is too cute for words!!  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZEMIRAH HOPE!  

You bring us so much joy!

Romans 15:13a

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing..."

We thank God every day for the reminder of his faithfulness and provision through the beautiful little life of Zemirah Hope.  

You can read the story of her beautiful and nearly perfect birth here.  It was a dream birth come true!

Life Lately

I should go to bed, seriously.  It's 11:30 pm and Z has gotten into a frustrating habit of waking up at 3:15 am and just hanging out for awhile.  I'll be regretting this later I'm sure.

But, I've spent my evening pouring over the memorial pictures, with the song He Weeps by Fireflight running through my head.

Appropriate really, although I haven't done much weeping the last few days, just you know, sighing.

My husband and I finally celebrated our birthday tonight.  It was especially wonderful since I enjoyed a huge steak, medium rare, a couple of sweet teas, and way too many Texas Roadhouse rolls.  It was delicious.  (Thank you parents, we appreciated it!)

I feel like I should give you an update on how we're doing.  We're doing good?  Good is such a strange way to phrase it, but we're not doing bad?  I don't know.  I guess, we're moving through this.

Aaron and I were talking to night about how God has strengthened us through this, how he may not have given us the miracle of Isaiah living on Earth, but he is working a miracle through the pain of losing Isaiah.  (We worded it more eloquently when we were talking about it earlier).  Just that we have seen his hand on our entire pregnancy, from the moment of conception and the several weeks we were clueless to his pregnancy - through to even now.  Even now.

When I posted the memorial piece yesterday I posted the song Sunshine by JJ Heller - well yesterday I received in the mail from a friend this:

The card read: Sending you some sunshine in the midst of your storm

She sent me a box full of everything yellow, it definitely brought me a lot of sunshine and made my day.  Everything was yellow!

Sometimes are really good, sometimes I'm really sad.  I'm having an especially difficult time with little boys.  I miss not having mine.  There was a tiny, newborn baby boy in the waiting area at Texas Roadhouse tonight and I just wanted to snatch him up and take him home.  I tried to keep that thought to myself though as I'm sure his mother wouldn't appreciate knowing there was a crazy stalker baby stealer in the restaurant.  I restrained myself, I did not steal that woman's super cute baby. 

But I wanted to...

okay. okay. not really. 

but kind of.

Anyway, here are a few pictures of the last few days - As much as there has been sorrow, I've enjoyed my little girls even more.  A loss always punctuates a gain and my sweet girls are a big gain.  Treasures I tell them, precious treasures.  

This little girl adores her daddy!

How Zemirah manages to smile while being squished by her big sister is beyond me, but she loves it!

This is how I spent my Mother's Day afternoon, tickling my girls and really really laughing.  It was a hard day, but I really did enjoy my babies.

Yes, that's a booger on Zemirah's chin; it had apparently dried there during her nap and she wouldn't let me pick it off.  

So that is a bit of our lives the past few days.  God has been very good to us, he has blessed us immensely and as we heal from the loss of Isaiah we will continue to know and feel his blessings even more.  

Isaiah's Song & Memorial Service

I am a big JJ Heller fan.  I like to sing "When I'm With You" to my girls and "The Boat Song" to my husband.   So it is only fitting that we have a song by JJ Heller for sweet little Isaiah too.

At the end of his memorial service we played "Sunshine" and while the music played my beautiful 5 year old daughter, completely enamored with her tiny baby brother and with a perfect perspective of the wonders of heaven, danced through the whole song. 

 It was perfect.

While this song plays you can scroll through a few of our memorial pictures.  These pictures were taken by two amazing photographers from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  What a beautiful organization, thank you for capturing this day for us.

Isaiah Michael Kellett

May 2, 2013

7:50 am

This was engraved on Isaiah's white keepsake box that we have and also on the inside of the heart shaped box he was buried in.

This box was fitting for our butterfly baby, engraved on the outside was "expect miracles...they happen every day."  It speaks well of the short and miraculous life Isaiah lived.

Isaiah's statue

My girls

You'll see in the next few pictures that Amariss was quite the comforter.  She loved and adored her little brother very much.

My parents

A prouder big sister, I have never met.

Aaron's mom holding Zemirah; our parents did a wonderful job keeping her occupied and taking turns holding her.

We read:

Isaiah 49:14-23

Isaiah 65:17-24

Isaiah 66:7-13

Our final goodbyes

Amariss loves to finish her dances with a big full Mommy hug

*Isaiah was buried near our Bleeding Heart plant.  We found it fitting as it is in full bloom in early May.  We were also gifted with a Japanese Maple from Aaron's mom and a Blue Hydrangea from my parents.  In addition I received a wind chime from a wonderful group of friends and our once empty shade garden is now very full and has come to possess much meaning.*