"You Can't Make Me" [But I Can Be Pursuaded] by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias - Book Review

I picked up this book after reading a short blurb in a long-distance grandparenting book while at my parents house.  Funny, I know, believe me I'm a looong way from grandparenting, but it's what happened to be available at the moment.  Anyway...

So I picked up this book for two reasons.  First of all, the title intrigued me "You Can't Make Me!" is probably something I've told people in my life over 1000 times, maybe in different words, but the point is the same.  It's also something I've not necessarily heard, but have seen on my daughters face.  The point when I say "Amariss, pick up your toys." and she looks at me and then goes back what to what she's doing, quietly but firmly telling me  "No." And then there is the second half of the title, "But I Can Be Pursuaded" and this is my daughter to a T.  The subtitle of the book is Strategies for Bringing Out the Best in Your Strong Willed Child.  And that was what I really wanted to hear.

As a parent of a strong willed child (an SWC as the book has labeled them), and a strong-willed child myself, what I want is not to break my child's will but to help her use it to be all that God has intended her to be.  Which means, although she has opinions and personal convictions, she doesn't have the right to be outright disobedient, defiant, rude, etc etc...  However, this will of hers is something my husband and I prayed and prayed for - daily - in the months leading up to her birth and following.  Around age 1, I looked at him and said "What were we thinking???"  But now I get it. 

I just wish I would have read this book when she was 1, because it could have helped me a lot.  A lot, A lot. 

Our prayer for Am was "That she would be a woman of God who changed the world, not be changed by it."  And our prayer still stands firm as we watch her grow in knowledge and stature. 

I'd say this book won my heart when in chapter 1, just a few pages in she writes:

"I often remind parents of SWC's that their children may change the world -- afterall, it's not likely that the world is going to change them!  Your SWC may be God's instrument for making the world a better place."

And that right there was what I needed to hear.  We're on the same page, that is exactly what I want for my daughter and her strong will, which incidentally proves to be much larger than mine.  Hard to imagine, I know.

Although I can't cover every point of this book that stood out to me, is helping me with my parenting, or I think will prove helpful to you in yours - let me cover some of my favorite points.





"In order to avoid a confrontation when you want your child to obey you, ask yourself these important questions: Is it worth it? Is this battle worth fighting? Will this improve the quality of our relationship?"

"[SWC's] are genuinely trying to figure out what to think and how to stay in control of our world."

"As you work to get your SWC's cooperation, keep reminding yourself to focus on the point of each task.  What are you trying to accomplish? Is there another way to do it? Are you challeging your child to think about the possiblities?  Are you prepared to let him or her actually try some of those possibilities?"

"for the SWC there is a difference between procrastination and a lack of inspiration."

"What will it take to inspire me?"

"There's nothing so motivating as being recognized and appreciated for achieving a difficult goal."

"The behavior and attitude of your SWC will improveas you point out the areas where he or she has made a difference."

"In the real world, you get hired for the ver attributes that ge you into trouble at school!"

"You cannot excuse bad behavior; you cannot allow criminal actiity; you must not let your SWC by on special exemptions or priveleges.  By the same token, you dare not assume that something is inheretnly wrong with your SWC because he or she iwll not do things your way or a certain educator's way."

"God wants each of us to come to Him and to serve Him in a way that enhances the very personality He created within us."

""Don't remind me of my failures.  Keep emphasizing the progression of my successes."

Those are just a few of my favorite quotes from this book, and I can tell you it is FULL to the brim with information that can help any relationship between a parent and their strong-willed child.  And as a strong-willed child, it has helped me to identify areas that I saw as weakness as parts of my character and shape me to who I am made to be, in God's image.  I just need a little bit of refining here and there. 

Another point, please don't think that this book is a resource encouraging you to not discipline your children. Although it never says how to discipline your children, it definately does not excuse bad behavior. At one point in the book she makes the point that SWC's will often times test the boundaries of their parents to make sure that they really do what they said they were going to do. We're just checking to see if you really do love us, and really are going to make the effort. So each time I let me girl push my boundaries a little further and a little further, I'm not showing her how much I love her. This really hit home with me, as I tend to be a push-over when it comes to that cute little face and her smile and oh gosh, she gets me every time. But I'm getting better. Once is it, I told you what I expected, I told you the consequence, now I must follow through.

If I had the resources I would carry copies of this book around with me and just start handing them out to parents, friends, everyone! 

Please, please read this book!  It has changed our world around here as I better understand my little girl. 

It is a parenting must read! 

Maybe someday I'll have a giveaway and a lucky reader can get one for free!! 

(I really do love this book that much!)

And I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the book:

"If you want to motivate me, inspire me. If you want to direct me, lead the way. If you want to encourage my ambition, ignite the fire with your enthusiasm."



Reflections

I was putting Am down for a nap today, an often rare occurance now that she's 4, and took sometime to just reflect. 

While I reflected, little munchkin kicked away in my tummy and I marveled at being pregnant.  And then like a bright flashing light it hit me..  I'm just 6 weeks away from entering my 3rd trimester.  I'm litereally half way through the 2nd trimester. 

I know, you're thinking.. duh, that's what 22 weeks means, but it just seems so surreal.  Like last night I went to the bathroom and when I wiped I checked for blood.  I've been doing this since the day I got pregnant, and then I reminded myself, again - that if there was going to be blood I would probably have had some serious contractions. 

Just a couple of weeks ago I got comfortable with the idea that I'm pregnant and started getting excited.  It happened while my mom and I walked around Babies R Us, a store I loved when Am was a baby and I had lots of hope for my 2nd.  A store I'd come to avoid, just like maternity clothing sections and baby aisles, after the reality of loss and infertility hit us. 

In my surreality, which has been accented by my husband wanting to schedule our babymoon before I get "cranky", as he put it, and realizing that our schedules are packed for the next 3 months, and realizing in 3 months I'll be having a baby...  I'm getting a little overwhelmed.  Like I can't wait until April for my nesting instinct to kick in... I'm going to have to force it into high gear now, while I still have some time. 

This place is the pits, mostly because of the additional christmas presents that have so gloriously graced my living room, and because "catching up" on laundry never actually happens.

So for the baby, I'd say she's growing, because I can't stop eating.  So, I'm going to go eat again and then maybe tackle that big pile of laundry. 

Praying for all of you waiting for your babies.  You are constantly on my mind, my heart is with you while you wait. 

Resolution Update

Last week I first wrote about my New Year's Resolution to parent better.  Which means to be more intentional in my parenting, training my daughter to seek God through teaching and watching. 

So how did we do this week? 

Well, Not perfect.  However, we did a "little girl" devotional this week, memorized a bible verse, and watched fewer movies.  So I'd say we're off to a good start. 

Pretty far from where I'd like to be, doing a devotional once a day, working on our memory verse once a day (atleast), and having her see my spend time with God on my own.  Usually I do my own personal devotional time at night, although, I'm noticing that if I take the time to spend with God during my morning I get alot more out of it... because by 9:30..10...sometimes 11 pm God gets the tired brain cells that have a hard time even reading, let alone processing. 

So that's my little update.  We're working on things and in time - we'll get it down.

I am looking forward to the change in Amariss as she is becoming more aware of God and others around her. 

This morning on the way to church she declared "I wanted to be a real princess!"  And I said "Honey, you are a real princess!  If you believe that Jesus died for your sins and became alive again you are his daughter!  And he is the King bigger than every other king!"  To which she replied "like me!  I believe that!  - God's light is shining in my eyes."  (as we headed towards the sun). 

I love having a 4 yr old, their minds are always moving and they have the words to talk about it!

and to think... I wasn't going to have one!

It was New Year's Eve of this year and we all sat around the table at my parents' house.  My dad, jokingly, posed the question "What's everyone's New Year's Resolution going to be?"  and followed it up with a light chuckle... if you know my dad, you'll know what I mean.

Quick with my come-back (which almost never happens) I replied "I'm resolving to have a baby this year!"  ....  because you know, I'm pregnant.  Everyone laughed... and that led to the rest of us talking about how we don't like to make New Year's Resolutions because they rarely get followed through on... and instead we like to just know what we hope to accomplish this year...

However, the next morning was Sunday and we got ourselves ready and went to Mom and Dad's church.  It was such a refreshing service, probably especially to me because in the past 2 months I think I've been in 2 actual church services, between my trip to California, followed by Thanksgiving, followed by preschool class at church, followed by Christmas traveling.... etc. etc. etc....  Things have been crazy, and I've missed worshiping with other believers.

Anyway, the pastor began to preach... and immediately I was convicted.  I think he started with something like this - "If you could ask for one thing what would it be?"  and I knew exactly what I would ask for...  healthy children.  That's literally what I said in my head.  A noble choice, sure...  but my heart knew it wasn't the most godly...  Satan instantly started attacking me with thoughts of "if you were more godly would you have thought up something more spiritual....  if you had been spending the time with God that you should be you would know the right answer to this question...." and so on, and so forth....

So where was the pastor going with this... stick with me... 

Psalm 27, a passage I memorized a few years ago because of its significance in my life, vs 4

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is  what I seek: 

That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.

And that got me thinking...  

That's what I want...  that's really what I want for my children...

I wanted healthy children, but realistically, God never told us we'd always be healthy on earth, or that life would always be easy....  

What I truly want for my children is that they would dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of their life, that they would gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and seek him in his temple....

That's what I really want for my children.  

And how can I spend this year guiding Am (and her new sister to come) in that way?  

First of all, I want to teach Am to seek God by showing her her parents seeking God.

Secondly, I want to teach Am to seek God by teaching her God's word.  She can't read yet, but she is at an age where she can memorize like its nobody's business.  When I was a kid I had this capability too, and instead of watching her memorize movie lines... (which she inherited from me)....  I want to teach her to memorize scripture.  That the word of God would be hidden in her heart... so that my young little duckling would know the word of God because she often times repeats it to herself when she needs it!!

Thirdly, I want to teach Am to seek God by teaching her how to learn from God's word.  So that all those verses she hides away in her heart wouldn't just be spoken words, but that they would be practical and applicable to her life.  That when she grows up she doesn't boast about how much scripture she knows for awards or "cool" factor among her church friends, but she would be thankful for the scripture she knows because it carried her through her toughest times. 

Fourth, I want to teach my daughter to pray.  Lets just be honest... this cute little girl doesn't like to pray.  I have to admit I feel super guilty whenever my friends tell me stories about their munchkins praying before bed, before dinner, or whenever...  This one... not so much.  However, every once in awhile... (great once in awhile) she'll tell us its her turn to pray... and then I know... she's listening, she's watching, and someday she'll bust out in prayer.  In the meantime, my husband and I will continue to model prayer in everything we do whether before bed, before meals, when someone is hurt, when we can't find what we need...  wherever we are being constant communication with God.  

And Finally, We want to teach our daughter to seek God through fasting.  Lets be real candid.  My husband and I are not super good at fasting...  as in, it doesn't happen very often.  More for my husband than for me.  And this area of fasting can be tricky as its not something you want to do publicly and pridefully.  However, how can we teach our young daughter to seek God while leaving out this important principal of fasting?  More so, how can we become better at fasting so that we are even in any way able to model this for our offspring?  Children learn by example... and frankly when it comes to fasting, my example sucks.  How can I present a better model of fasting... especially while pregnant?  I don't actually know.  but I'm going to pray about it, seek the Father's face on this issue...  and see what he tells me.  

 So, in essence, I do have a New Year's Resolution.  

I am resolving to parent better.  To be a mother who teaches my children to seek God, while I myself continue to learn to seek God more.  

Amen.