Reunited and it feels so good...

I'm starting to come back to myself.  My days of mind numbing internet surfing and frequent naps are slowly coming to an end. 

Last night I had a glimpse of my former self and it was oh, so nice to be me again. 

I went to the garden, picked some fresh veggies.  Then I came inside, cooked our brats and onions, and sliced up zucchini.  When my hubby arrived home, the brats were ready for grilling, the zucchini was ready for eating. 

I had made dinner.  For the first time in almost 3 weeks I'm remembering how awesome it is to not have anxiety, not be worried about the baby, not be in a mind numbing state of loss. 

Following dinner, I did the dishes (yay!), grated 3 zucchini for freezing, and made cookies. 

Things are turning around, and I am so happy about it!

A little bit longer

It's been since Friday since I posted, but with all these thoughts streaming through my head it feels like its been months. 

Please be patient with me while I sort out the last few weeks.  As I've learned from experience, crying for a couple days and then I'm over the miscarriage and ready to move on isn't really how it works.  It's a process, each day; I handle a little bit more, and there is no telling when I'll be ready to bear all about it. 

This one was definately different, and God has blessed me with the knowledge of his goodness and faithfulness throughout.

 I have a deep feeling of hope and I know that good things are coming for us. 

Thank you for your patience. 

Just Say No.

It's Friday and by definition this week is not over yet, but if it were it would have been plenty full just like this. 

I realize some of this weeks problems rest on me.  I should have told a few more people "no" and commited myself to less.  I guess I thought if I was as busy as I could possibly be I wouldn't get sad and I would stay hopeful.  And although I was right on 1 account, I've stayed hopeful, I wore myself out and instead I find myself here on Friday completely incapable of handling the simplest of challenges.

Last night I bemoaned what a terrible wife and mother I am, that I couldn't even complete the simple task of going to the grocery store.  I was just too busy, too tired, too overwhelmed. 

And then last night the unthinkable happened.  I missed an important and very unexpected phone call and I let someone down.  Bad timing all around.  And I can't quite figure out what in the world God is trying to teach me. 

I'm most afraid that he might be trying to tell me that I'm not the Queen Bee...  

I never thought I had tried to do everything for everyone, but this week I did.  This week I needed to rest, let my body recooperate and instead I took on challenges I wasn't ready for, and in consequence I feel depleted, exhausted, and frustrated. 

I want next week to be better but I know that if I don't stop and take care of myself and my family now, next week will be the same mess as this week. 

I wish I could do everything, I really do.  But sadly, I can't.  I can't help everyone, I can't make my daughter not sick, I can't make my dog poop outside instead of on the living room floor, and most of all I can't do everything.  Sometimes I just have to say "no" and be okay with that. 

Lesson [still being] learned. 

July, the month of 4

Before reading, let me remind you once again that this blog is written as therapy for myself and also for insight to those managing miscarriage or recurrent miscarriage.  This is my personal story and each story differs from person to person.   

July 20, 2006.

Today marks 6 years since our very first miscarriage.  If I'd known then what this road would look like I'm not sure I'd have been able to handle it.  I took this loss the hardest as it came as the most unexpected.

I had never had any idea that 1 in 3 women miscarry, and most of all I never dreamed I would be greater than the statistic.

I was comforted one day by a woman who had had 4 losses and I remember thinking that I would never survive 4.  But here we are, we have, we did, and my life has continued.

The feeling most associated with this loss was shock.

This baby's name is Baby K.

July 24, 2010. 

This is the day we suffered our 5th miscarriage (6th pregnancy).

Physically, it was the most painful.  Emotionally the most devastating.  This was the 2nd loss since having Am and with it I was left with a sense of hopelessness.  Nothing will work, there's nothing left to try.  In a sense I felt broken.

This baby's name is Woven.

Psalm 139:15 "My frame was not hidden fro you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body."

July 27, 2009.

This is the day we suffered our 4th miscarriage (5th pregnancy). 

I never thought I'd lose this baby.  It was my first pregnancy after Am and I felt perfectly nauseous and had strange cravings.  It was glorious to feel to pregnant.  Just a few days in though bright red bleeding and cramping brought my world tumbling down and despite perfect blood results from a few days before my body could not carry this baby. 

This baby's name is Cinco, representing our 5th child. 

And then most recently...

Just last week, on July 13, 2011 we recieved some unfavorable blood results.  An unexpected pregnancy lead to an unexpected loss and no matter how strong you are, your heart breaks a little. 

In contrast to last year's loss (Woven), I do not feel hopelessness.  Infact, I feel quite the opposite.  I feel hopeful.  I know our future is bright and I feel more encouraged than ever that we will have more children. 

Romans 8:11 "And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you."

This mortal body, this messed up, mortal body - has never felt more alive in Christ than it has these past few days.  I see hope for our future and know that my life is complete and full in all that Christ has given us. 

I've surrendered my dreams but still believe in his promise.

This baby's name is Bunnin. 

I will post more regarding our last miscarriage in the next few days.

Thank you so much for all of your love and support.

Just Perfect.

I tend to be a perfectionist.  If you know me well, you're either nodding your head in agreement or laughing hysterically.  My house is not clean, my papers are unorganized, and I'm late to most everything, but in my mind - the way things play out, I like things just perfect.

Life doesn't always seem to follow this "perfect" plan; your child's handprints are smeared in the stepping stone you were making, or you walk around all day feeling gorgeous only to look in the mirror at the end of the day and see that you had mascara smeared under your eyes, and your husband verifies that - yes, it was like that all day. 

Things aren't always perfect.

But lately, I've been finding myself stopping at brief moments during my day and thinking "My life is perfect." 

On the way to our vacation destination this past week I had one of those "perfect" moments.  It came while I was leaning over my daughter helping her wash her hands at a rest area bathroom.  Her skin was perfectly soft, her curls perfectly messed up from the long ride in the car, and her smile perfectly contagious - and I was surrounding her.  It was absolutely perfect when her blue eyes smiled up at me as she caught my gaze in the mirror and she said "I love you, Mama" 

That was perfect. 

So I've been watching, I've been waiting.  And surprisingly "perfect" has been popping up all over.

 In the midst of a rough night sleep that includes lots of crying for "Mama!" and unintentional bedsharing with elbows and knees kicking and jabbing everywhere, there's a soft hand hold and a "Mama, I love you." 

When we're snuggled up on the couch my hubby, me, my daughter and our dog watching Barbie Pegasus (again), I am reminded "my life is perfect"

It may not always fit into the ideals of what "perfect" should be.

Everything the way I planned it, when I planned it, how I planned it. 

Instead, it is fitting perfectly into God's ideals.  Everything the way He planned it, when He planned it, how He planned it. 

And I think its working out rather nicely.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."