the musings of my 4 yr old...

this post is going to be totally random, but I just want to save for posterity's sake some of the things my 4 year old is up to lately. 

#1 She is very literal.  Example: 

Me: Amariss look up at the sky so I can brush your teeth.
Am: Mama, are we outside?
Me: No, we're inside.
Am: Then why did you say look up at the sky? You should have said "ceiling"!

And that continues with just about everytime I say "look up at the sky" or "look down at the ground"

#2 She has taken great pride in her ability to feed the dog.

Example A:

(Dog scratches at water bowl)
Am (while playing with friend): Excuse me Leah, I have to get Ninja some water

Example B:

(Dog scratches at food bowl during dinner)
Am: Mom, may I please be excused to get Ninja some food?


#3 She can pump her legs to go incredibly high on the swing.  Kind of makes me nervous

#4 She dresses herself regularly.  Always choosing a skirt which must be visible lest people not recognize her.

And there are several others I can't remember.  I'm sure I will just as soon as I post this!

and 32 weeks??

I had an appointment with my midwife today, who just so happens to be one of my favorite people.  Stepfoot (the name our daughter has affectionately given baby) was sleeping so her hearttones were reflective of her lazy morning.  It was still nice to hear her beating heart though :)

My midwife, probably one of the world's best grandma's, was enthralling to my 4 year old who was so excited to get to help measure the baby in mommy's tummy.  Am so gently pulled out the table, helped lay me back, and watched intently while I was measured. 

and then my midwife said "You're measuring right on at 32 weeks!" 

and I thought..."what?!  I thought I was only 31 weeks??"  oy ve.  This date just got closer, and my house is not any closer to being ready. 

but you know what?  I don't really care! 

HOLY COW I could meet this baby is 8 weeks!!!  I remember a time when I just had to survive the next 8 weeks! and now... 

Now... I might get to meet this baby in 8 weeks!!! 

oh my gosh.  I'm. so. excited. 

Back to the Breast

PAIL post

This week is busy, to say the least.  Not physically busy, just alot of big items on my to-do list.  I'm having a baby in 8-12 weeks and if I think too much about it I start to have anxiety.  There are just a few too many things to be accomplished in 8-12 weeks...

There are a few things though that bring me alot of peace about what happens after the next 10 weeks are over.  One of those things is breastfeeding. 

I haven't breastfed a child in almost 3 1/2 years, when I think about that its rather sad.  Bfing Am was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.  My daughter and I are extremely close, not in a needy type of way, but bonded - differently that she is to her father or grandma's.  Her bond with me is special, and I attribute a lot of that to our breastfeeding experience. 

I have an outgoing child, which she recieved the full measure of from her dad.  As much as I love one-on-one relationships, and having friends; meeting people, introducing myself, and being the center of attention are not my cup of tea.  My daughter, on the other hand, is very willing to introduce herself to the other children at the park, and has no qualms about finding herself in a new setting - she has always jumped right in. 

And that's where I think breastfeeding bonded us.  When it comes to people relationships, we're very different and she could find herself as different as black and white to me.  But we're close, very close and I know it stems from those moments when we would snuggle up together and it seemed as if the whole world shut down and it was just us.  She could run wild, free, and crazy - but when it came time to eat - we would turn off the rest of the world and I would hold her little hand, count her little toes, look into those beautiful blue eyes that so strongly resemble my own and it was just us. 

Breastfeeding ended early for us at 10 months as it does for a lot of mothers with people loving children.  I wish now that I would have made more of an effort to continue, realizing that later she might wish for that relationship to continue.  But I let my poor nutrition and her activity win and I quickly lost my milk supply. 

I know that my moments spent with my little one snuggled on my skin, suckling my breast were not in any way wasted.  Even if all the research and data in the world showed that there were not nutritional difference between breastmilk and formula, I wouldn't give up those moments. 

That is what I look forward to most about this next baby.  I can't wait to foster an irreplaceable bond.  I worry about where my older daughter will fit into the mix of her sister and I growing together.  I pray that she does not separate herself from me because of it. 

Something tells me though, that many of our breastfeeding moments will include a very happy 4 1/2 year old snuggling up beside us, holding her sister's hand, counting her sister's toes, and discovering along with me all the things I discovered about her. 

Here's to a refreshing summer.

getting her in her own bed....

I took a nap with in my bed with my 4 year old this afternoon, and then after waking and playing, hours later put her in her own bed for bed time. 

As I touched her super soft cheek and brushed hair away from her eyes I remembered a time when I couldn't nap with her because it would make bedtime a nightmare.  I remember a time when bedtime was just a nightmare, naptime too for that matter.  Those days when I would have to sit by her bed for what felt like hours and just keep putting her back in.  And a few days where I just had to give up becuase I couldn't take it anymore. 

During that time I would consol myself by saying "when she's six she'll go to bed no problem"  "we won't still be doing this when she's six" 

I gave myself a few extra years just incase we were still doing that when she was four...  but here we are, with our big girl four year old (who's always asking me how long till she turns 5...) and she can sleep in my bed for a nap and transition to her own bed for bedtime just fine. 

She sleeps great!  Whether it be taking a nap alone, together, in my bed, in hers...  whether it be bedtime at 7:00pm because she didn't have a nap or 8:30 because she did...  sleeping is no longer a problem for this kid.

And I love it.

And it just reminds me of something one of my cousins told me before I had her "this too shall pass". 

It did.  We survived, she survived, and she's a pretty amazing kid. 

PAIL Blogroll

You may have noticed a new addition to my blog - An adorable little linky over in the sidebar to the PAIL Blogroll. 

What is this Blogroll and what does it mean you ask?  Good question! 
PAIL stands for Pregnancy/Parenting After Infertility and Loss, and a blogroll is a list of LOTS of us who are all in very similar situations. 

The whole reason I started writing The Delicate Balance was because I found myself caught between two worlds - the fertile world, becuase of my daughter, and the infertile world because of our losses and secondary infertility.  If you'd like to read my very first post you can find it here.

This world has gotten a little more muddied in the past 6 months when we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant 6 weeks after our 6th loss. 

This pregnancy has been interesting as I wonder where I stand with my TTC friends, but yet my heart still aches, yearns for, and desires their companionship because believe it or not - this journey never ends, I still miss my babies. 

I don't know what will happen after baby #2 is delivered.  I don't know if we will once again enter into the TTC world or if our hearts have been so damaged we'll be looking elsewhere to expand our family.  We just don't know. 

But for now - we enjoy our 4 yr old, and all her joy, and we look forward to the arrival of our 2nd miracle, even when it still seems so unreal. 

Please check out the PAIL Blogroll and find other people just like us who find ourselves navigating this oh so confusing road.