In the end, its all about Love

I don't have time to post today, but this has been on my mind for so long and I know if I wait two weeks to post I'll never remember.  We have Christmas with my husband's mom tonight and then are traveling to visit my family for Christmas Day and an extended visit after.  I won't see my mom again until the baby comes in May, so I want to cherish and soak up every moment!

I saw a friend yesterday and she encouraged me again on what a great mom I am, I said thank you and told her that it's hard being a mom.

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized it played into other realizations I've been making over the past few weeks. 

Being a mom isn't hard because I have a bad kid... no, being a mom is really hard because of other moms! 

Its the advent of social networking, blogging, and parenting websites that make me feel so inadequate as a mother.  It is here that I am reminded of all that I'm not doing, ways I'm parenting wrong, or shown just how inadequate I feel I really am. 

I spent a good hour last night talking to my husband about this... he listened and ended the conversation with "well that was a great conversation, should we pick this up again next week?"  Thank you psychologist Aaron. 

Truly, I just had a girl moment.  A moment in which all the thoughts and pressures and concerns of the all the ideologies and mothering philosophies around me finally piled up and overwhelmed me.  I needed to talk it out. 

So I've been thinking.

Who am I? 

As a person, as a worker, as a servant, as a friend?  And what do I stand for under all of those things? 

Well let me tell you, even though I've been thinking about it I certainly don't have the ability to write it all out right now, things are still flying around my head.  Trust me, there's a lot in there. 

But one important point I have to come in all of this is that it doesn't really matter what other people think. 

If I can't be a fully natural, fully attachment parenting mother; a master gardener; good housekeeping of the year award winner; crafty super mom; homeschooling diva; blogging wonder; or even model wife... 

It's okay.

I wasn't created to do it all.

And that makes being a mom so much easier.  Because now it's me, my daughter, our new baby coming, and making sure they know they're loved, they know truth, and they know God's promises. 

1 Corinthians 13:13 
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

*I am not insinuating that natural, attachment parenting, homeschooling, crafty, super housecleaners, fabulous gardeners... etc are making me feel like a bad mom... 

I am trying to say that measuring up to all that some super moms are in those area and attempting to be awesome at everything is overwhelming to me. 

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

Today my darling daughter turns 4.  Wow, just saying that brings tears to my eyes. 

I remember the moment of her birth like it was yesterday.  Literally, I close my eyes and I see myself snuggled up with her on my chest, looking up at me, and the feeling of knowing I'd never known a love like that before.  What a gift she is, born just a few days before Christmas, a reminder of a promise. 

God's promise.  His promise of love, redemption, and eternal life; gifts given to us through his son, Jesus Christ. 

My prayer for our daughter is that she would grow to be a woman of God who changes the world.  That she would not be changed by the world, but that she would be steadfast and strong in the love Christ has placed in her heart. 

Already in her we see the affects of this prayer; an unwavering spirit, a heart that loves deeply and fully, and a tenderness that flows from a gentle touch and endearing smile. 

We are blessed beyond measure with this beautiful little girl. 

"Amariss" - promised by God.  And what a gift and promise you are. 

Happy Birthday Amariss!

Step-By-Steppin' It

Last week I had about 1000 things to do and my time was limited, not to mention my strength and emotional capacity.  For the past 4 months I have been tired and tired... sometimes sick, but mostly really tired and I have finally (hallelujah, praise the Lord) entered into the 2nd trimester bliss of energy, feeling good and (thanks to my midwife) no more hip pain!  I was definately ready to conquer. 

I'm one of those people who when they say they just sleep and eat... that's exactly what they mean and my house was proof.  Literally, every few weeks I would catch up on all the bills I hadn't yet paid and wash enough laundry for us to live off the pile on the couch.  My kitchen was a situation of dire concern.  We were literally washing a dish just to use a dish.  It was bad.  B-A-D  I was even going to post pictures of the before and after but then was afraid someone might report me to some bad housekeeping agency, or deem my house unfit for human survival...

However, Monday I woke up with a renewed energy.  My mother-in-laws birthday was Thursday and I knew I wanted my house fully clean for her to come over for cake and her present.  I was meeting with a friend Friday morning and more friends on Friday night.  So I had, essentially, until Thursday afternoon to finish getting my house cleaned.  Super cleaned because it was really bad.  I also have a near 4 yr old (near as in her birthday is this week) which makes full out cleaning a little difficult. 

So I started what I call The Step-By-Step.  It helps people like me who look at a hugely messy house and just friek out and then crawl back under the covers to go to bed.  I started small, with easy things.  A load of laundry, unload the dishwasher, load the dishwasher.  Clean the toilet, oh look I'll clean the sink and mirror too.  And that's how I do it, when I finish one job I look for another to start.  All I do is my one job.

Step-by-Step. 

And what happened.  By Monday night, when my husband came home, a significant dent had been placed in our kitchen.  It wasn't finished, not by far, but he could see that I'd worked at it and I was proud of myself! 

Tuesday I did it again.  I just kept plugging away, looking for things to do (and believe me, there were plenty of things to do!).  I tried to stay away from time-wasters, which for me includes facebook, because I get lost in it. 

Wednesday I had groceries to buy and babysat for a friend.

And by Thursday evening my laundry was folded and put away, my dishes were done, my bathroom was clean and although not everything sparkled...  I was proud of myself. 

But what am I more proud of now??

The fact that it is Monday morning and my dishes are staying done!  My laundry is being folded and put away right away and my house still looks decent.  Although, a good dusting is in order and that kitchen floor calls my name. 

I am excited.  Tomorrow night is my daughter's 4th birthday party and I'm not stressed at all!  Friday night we celebrate Christmas with my mother-in-law and I'm looking forward to it!  And Saturday we have a nice break for awhile and I'm entering Christmas the way I like to - looking forward to Christmas! 

That is the Step-by-Step.  One job at a time and before you know it, each job is done. 

commenting on posts

Does anyone know why I am unable to comment on other blogger blogs?  I get a notification that my email address is not authorized, however I am logged into my blogger account. 

Any suggestions?  Do I need to turn something off?

A Different Perspective

I live near an interstate.  I drive this road nearly every time I go into town, it's how I get - well..almost everywhere.  I'm not the only one using this road though, millions of other American's drive this road as well and it is not unusual to see license plates from other states, especially around holidays or during the busy summer months. 

The other day as I headed into town again I looked at the car next to me, its license plate from out of state, and wondered where that person was going.  To me, these road signs tell me that my exit is coming soon and they take me to various sections of the nearby city.  I wonder though, what does this road look like to other people? 

Is it a hotel stop on a long trip?  Another mindless sign they pass on the long way to wherever or does it mark that flurry of excitement that tells you "I'm almost there!"

That's a little bit how life is isn't it?  Even here, on this crazy fertility journey. 

I'm preparing to take an exit, I've seen the signs and I know it isn't too far away.  The flurry of excitement is stirring within me. 

But some of you are still on a long journey.  You have miles and miles ahead of you.  Sometimes you get excited because you know you're headed somewhere, and sometimes you get a little crazy.  Soon enough though, your exit will pop up and you'll look back and wonder how you possibly made it - the road was so long! 

Some of you have hit major pot holes and had to stop for repairs, take detours, or even been in major accidents.   Sometimes it seems it will never end. 

But you'll be there, I know it.  And all the while we're cheering for you, praying for you, loving you, and knowing that one of these days you'll be there.  You'll be home. 

The road looks different for all of us, the signs mean different things.  Sometimes we need different maps to take us different directions - but all in all, we're all on the same crazy road.

When Grief Isn't Pretty

I'm not a fan of grief, personally, I think its messy.  There is no rhyme or reason to it, it rarely looks the same from person to person or situation to situation, and it rears its ugly head at inopportune or unfortuanate moments.  You never know who is going to be the next victim of your grief. 

In our years of dealing with miscarriage, which has been at the top of my list of hardest things to deal with, I have damaged friendships, developed bad habits and addictions, said things I later really regretted, and opened my own eyes to the ugliness of my own pain. 

One thing I have learned over the years is that grief must be dealt with because if you ignore it, it will probably deal with itself.  Maybe "dealt with" isn't the best phrase.  Grief must be felt.  No matter how you choose to feel it, you have to feel it.

With our first miscarriage we made a memory box, we put in it cards and pictures - letters we wrote to the baby, and the first onesie I bought it and a stuffed bear.  We did the same for our next 3 miscarriages.  We now have 4 boxes...  unfortuanately the last 2 miscarriages I just haven't bought the box.  At the time I just didn't want to deal with it - and now, it seems a little late.  We also have 3 ornaments on our Christmas tree for our first 3 babies, however - our last 3 don't have ornaments.  We just haven't yet found the perfect ones. 

Everyone chooses a different way to grieve, everyone picks something that will help them remember, or help them cope. 

One thing I do know, it that whether or not you grieve - you will never forget your babies.  They are a part of you and never leave your heart.  Whether you did alot, or nothing at all - our babies are special, and they're always with us. 

And it isn't always as easy as pie

I had my 2nd visit with my midwife today, and I have to say I really love those visits, hearing this little one's heartbeat is just about the best thing ever.  Sometimes it can seem like maybe they aren't really growing right or somehow "left" but just the reassurance of that heartbeat it means that they're still there, I'm still here, and somehow - believe it or not - this is real. 

At my appointment this afternoon I brought up to my midwife that I've been feeling alot of hip aches, not normal aches but ones that wrap around to my back and sometimes down my legs, very uncomfortable and I don't remember it being that way with my daughter.  She asked a few questions and determined that I might be contracting.  Although this is nothing to be concerned about yet, and exactly what I had thought it might be, it reminded me again that even though we made it through the first 15 weeks, we still have 23 weeks to go - and that's a long time! 

So I've added a magnesium supplement to my diet and will probably begin taking the Welcome Womb again (which I stopped when I felt the pregnancy was good and stuck). 

I was reading through a blog tonight about another woman's fertility struggles - No Guarantees - and I realized that even now, and 15 weeks, I'm not really guaranteed tomorrow,  (Oh, how that would break my heart) but I'm still trusting and believing in God.  I'm still here, further than I've been in years, knowing that God has orchestrated all of this, and knowing that whatever happens... whatever.... He is still good. 

Parenting isn't always as easy as they make it out to be.

I've been reading parenting books since before my daughter was born.  I'm always looking for something that can give us insight into a baby's, toddler's, and now preschooler's brain.  I love to read stories from parents who have "been there...tried that". 

But one thing that I'm learning from all of this reading is - what looks simple and clear-cut on paper is not simple and clear-cut in real life. 

Even on my best day, in a fabulous mood, its hard to implement the suggestions in this book.  I'm thankful that the way I respond today does not permanently affect her life!  I am thankful that my little girl is growing up understanding that sometimes Mommy has to apologize for her attitude, sometimes Mommy needs to take a time-out. 

The books are usually right, and even their disclaimer that its easier said that done - won't always set you up for just how much easier it is said than done.  Speaking in a soft voice - all the time - doesn't come naturally and may take some practice.  Explaining clearly my expectations (in 3 yr old terms) doesn't come easily when I would think my kid should be able to read and understand my mind...duh.  Immediately following through with consequences for disobedience is very time consuming (and sometimes I just don't feel like I have time for it.)

But I'm thankful for her patience, God's grace, and the knowledge that she is growing in beauty and grace inside and out - even though I haven't reached parenting perfection. 

20 and Counting

So, I'm going to step out on a limb here and talk about a subject that is surprisingly very controversial. 

Drum roll please.......


Michelle Duggar!

If you live under a rock, and don't know who Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar (along with their beautiful brood) are -  they are the family behind the hit reality TV show series 19 Kids and Counting.

Yesterday they announced on the today show that they are officially expecting baby #20!  Which, came as a surprise to some, not much of a surprise to others.  I figured it would be coming one of these days.

I have to admit first that I am a dedicated fan of 19 Kids and Counting, I love their parenting philosophy and although I do not really want 19 kids (or more) I do love the way they are raising their children to love and respect each other as well as having a deep a firm knowledge of what they believe and why.  Something I hope to instill in my children. 

Today I adress only 1 small part of the controversy surrounding Jim Bob and Michelle and their desire for as many children as God chooses to give them.  What I've heard from some moms is that becuase of her history of preeclampsia and the premature birth with their last baby, Josie, she is taking unnecessary risk by even allowing herself to get pregnant.  She is putting her baby at risk and she is also putting herself at risk. 

So, here I go...

I am pro-life, and pro-life means life begins at conception and ends at natural death.  "From conception to natural death" as some people would say.  So if infact your claim that Michelle Duggar should not get pregnant again because she is putting the life of her unborn child at risk, then infact you would say to me that I should not get pregnant again becuase I put the life of my unborn child at risk.

I have a greater chance of miscarrying a child than carrying one at this point.  My odds are 2:6.  Not good.  She however has had 1 miscarriage (her very first child) and 1 born prematurely and 2 with preeclampsia.  Out of 19 pregnancies (1 set of twins).  So her odds are much better than mine.  And as my mom made clear to me this afternoon, when I miscarry a baby it is not my baby who has lost, it is me.  My child lives a full life, in heaven, pain free - in the arms of Jesus, something I fully look forward to at the end of my own life. 

And as for the possibility that she puts herself at risk of death by carrying another child.  My own grandmother died in childbirth.  She was birthing her 6th child who also died with her.  The risk of  a woman dying in childbirth today is much lower than it were many years ago, but yet families were still large many years ago.  My piano teacher was 1 of 20 children in her family, and I don't think they were odd balls.  I think Michelle knows the risk but yet, she knows her God better.  She knows that ultimately whatever happens is what is supposed to happen.  She puts a tremendous amount of trust in his hands - which is something I still struggle with. 

Do I think its right for any person to decide what is the "right" number of children for any other family - no.  It's not, it's not your family.  You don't have the right. 

I want a large family someday, 20 kids would be pushing it... but of course I have no idea what God has instore for us.  So, you may think I'm crazy, you may think they're crazy - but why.  Why are they crazy?  Because they love their children? 

There is no crime or crazy in loving your children and knowing that in all things God has the best plan for your life. 

It's My Eighth and I'm still Scared...

I originally posted this on my other blog These Things I Know but felt that it would fit here too. 

I have been wanting to write for weeks, maybe months, but I am exhausted. I think of something to write about and 5 minutes later I'm asleep on the couch, the thought completely gone from my brain.

So my hope is that when I start writing, maybe something amazing will just come to me. Something awe-inspiring...something wow.

I'm pregnant, and with that in me comes strange emotions not normally found in my life. Tears, giggles, and rude comments will all come from my mouth within seconds of each other and I feel as if I have no control over it. It's, frankly, a little embarassing sometimes.

Last night was one of those such moments. I went to a meeting that I was thoroughly looking forward to, a group of amazing women that I have the priveledge of surrounding myself with, all talking about childbirth and bringing better childbirth to our community. Right up my alley...I love it!

But last night, I had the giggles. I had recently found out some information that was quite shocking - and frankly - hilarious, and anything anyone said just made me want to laugh at the hilarity of my present situation. So between massive fits of giggles (where my fellow peeps stared at me like I was nuts, because I am a little nuts right now).

It came out among this group to the few who didn't know, that I am pregnant... And for whatever reason last night, I just did not want to acknowledge the fact. I'm very happy that I'm pregnant, it has been a long and very heartbreaking road to get here, but last night I just didn't want to talk about it.

Most of the time I'm very excited about my pregnancy, well, really - all the time - but it still seems so unreal to me. I don't have a belly yet, I don't feel the baby move yet, my sickness is abating, it all seems so foreign now.

A woman asked me if it was my second child and, logically, the answer is yes.

But to me the answer is no.

In the past few months, I've become so connected to those babies that I haven't met, that it breaks my heart to not tell people about them. But it wasn't the place the mention that I had 6 others in heaven that I haven't met yet.

As everyone around me answered for me - yes its her second, and I mumbled, yah its my second.... I thought, "but its not. It's not my second, its my eighth and I'm still scared."

Everything tells me its going to be okay, that I get to meet this one, but can I just tell you that I've been burned, bad. And I'm still scared. I feel it everyday and it irritates me to no end. I can't wait for the day when I know, I just know that its all going to be okay.

I sure hope it comes soon, I pray it comes soon.

thank you for sticking with my random post, sure didn't know it would lead here!

It's my eighth and I'm still scared.

I have been wanting to write for weeks, maybe months, but I am exhausted.  I think of something to write about and 5 minutes later I'm asleep on the couch, the thought completely gone from my brain.

So my hope is that when I start writing, maybe something amazing will just come to me.  Something awe-inspiring...something wow. 

I'm pregnant, and with that in me comes strange emotions not normally found in my life.  Tears, giggles, and rude comments will all come from my mouth within seconds of each other and I feel as if I have no control over it.  It's, frankly, a little embarassing sometimes. 

Last night was one of those such moments.  I went to a meeting that I was thoroughly looking forward to, a group of amazing women that I have the priveledge of surrounding myself with, all talking about childbirth and bringing better childbirth to our community.  Right up my alley...I love it! 

But last night, I had the giggles.  I had recently found out some information that was quite shocking - and frankly - hilarious, and anything anyone said just made me want to laugh at the hilarity of my present situation.    So between massive fits of giggles (where my fellow peeps stared at me like I was nuts, because I am a little nuts right now). 

It came out among this group to the few who didn't know, that I am pregnant...  And for whatever reason last night, I just did not want to acknowledge the fact.  I'm very happy that I'm pregnant, it has been a long and very heartbreaking road to get here, but last night I just didn't want to talk about it. 

Most of the time I'm very excited about my pregnancy, well, really - all the time - but it still seems so unreal to me.  I don't have a belly yet, I don't feel the baby move yet, my sickness is abating, it all seems so foreign now.

 A woman asked me if it was my second child and, logically, the answer is yes.

 But to me the answer is no. 

In the past few months, I've become so connected to those babies that I haven't met, that it breaks my heart to not tell people about them.  But it wasn't the place the mention that I had 6 others in heaven that I haven't met yet. 

As everyone around me answered for me - yes its her second, and I mumbled, yah its my second....   I thought, "but its not.  It's not my second, its my eighth and I'm still scared." 

Everything tells me its going to be okay, that I get to meet this one, but can I just tell you that I've been burned, bad.  And I'm still scared.  I feel it everyday and it irritates me to no end.  I can't wait for the day when I know, I just know that its all going to be okay. 

I sure hope it comes soon, I pray it comes soon. 

thank you for sticking with my random post, sure didn't know it would lead here! 

We are having another baby!!!

If you can tell from our posts below - that were all written a couple months ago... 

We are expecting a baby in May! 

I had an appointment with my midwife today and we were able to hear our baby's heartbeat on the doppler.  It was very exciting! 

My day has been made. 

So, now the word is out - all is public, we are having a baby!

YAY!

I'll tell you the full story another day, but thank you to all of you who have prayed and cried with us - we have felt every prayer, every hug, every tear. 

YAY!!

Even Now...

It's been so long since I've written... and if you're counting the weeks, you probably know where this is headed. 

On Sunday I will reach my 11th week of pregnancy.  Can I just say it here and now:

HALLELUJAH!  AHHHH!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!! OH MY GOSH!!! AHHHH!!!! 

That's what my heart wants to scream, but my head holds me back...  Don't get your hopes up.  Its not 12 weeks yet.  Things can happen.

Yet, I know, that even now... if something happens...  my life has been forever changed by this little one who grows inside of me.  His first heartbeat connected with mine, and the second just solidified my love. 

I don't know where I fit now with infertility.  Because I'm having a baby.

(OH MY GOSH, I'M HAVING A BABY!!!) - sorry, I keep having those moments.

But now, I feel like, the people (most of who don't know me) whose blogs I have followed and whose own stories I have cried over...

Where do I fit with them?  I love them.  I feel like we're friends, because we've become attached by this unwanted, unexpected frustration that has consumed our lives - infertility. 

But now...  am I still infertile?  Will I ever even know again? 

I don't know.  I don't actually have any answers. 

but I do know, that when I read my friends' stories, when I see their posts - my heart still hurts.  I want to fix it for them, and so often I just don't have any words.  Because really, no words can make it better. 

We all just want it to go away. 

So to my friends, I am so sorry.  I wish it would all just stop and we could all celebrate together.  I wish that I had an answer as to why it worked for me, but I don't.  I don't know how I got pregnant - or why I stayed pregnant.  I wish that I could take my daughter's magic wand and wave it over you and you'd be horribly sick and your belly would pop out.  But I can't... her magic wand is really just an old baby rattle.

But I can pray with you, and you can know that I am and I will.

I will never stop praying with you.

6wks 3dys

Yes, you see that right folks.  No time has not regressed but today I had an.....

ULTRASOUND!!!!

It was fabulous, every short breath taking second of seeing that beautiful baby.  I'm a little jealous of my husband's view.  He got to see the baby the whole time, I had to contort my head in some strange fashion to catch a glimpse.

But I saw it!  I saw that glorious, gorgeous, breathtaking, heart-stopping, tear-jerking, make-your-throat-swell-up,

Heartbeat.

137 beats per minute. 

It was amazing. 

Baby is measuring a week behind what I had originally predicted, which is normal, fine, and probably speaks to my short luteal phase and frequent miscarriages. 

It took everything within me to not tell everyone at church tonight that I'M PREGNANT AND THERE'S A HEARTBEAT!!!

  But, I just smiled. 

I am happy tonight, very very happy. 

And looking forward to 12 weeks pregnant.  That will be wonderful.

 I am beyond blessed.

Anxiety

I've noticed I've been having anxiety about pregnancy at wierd times.  For instance, while visiting my parents my mom wanted to take me shopping for maternity shirts.  I didn't really want to since I'm already nervous about this pregnancy the last thing I want is to be reminded that I'm not pregnant with maternity clothes floating around my house.  But I went, she was adamant.

As we walked up to the maternity section in the department store though, I panicked.  My breathing got hard and I started shaking.  I saw that woman in the pictures with her big beautiful tummy and realized that this is so opposite of all that I've done for the past two years.  Outside of work I have done most everything I can to avoid looking at pregnant women, and here I am now - acting like one of them, picking out clothes to wear when I get bigger. 

Then yesterday when I was on the phone with my friend I started crying when I thought about the very idea that I even am pregnant.  I've become very good at knowing I'm pregnant and yet not relating myself to the idea.  Almost like I'm in denial, but not because I don't want to be pregnant but because I don't want to not be again.   So, I can talk about my pregnancy, but when I think about being pregnant - having a child growing inside of me - I cry, friek out, experience those moments of deep loss and I haven't even lossed yet.

I'm looking forward to the day when this anxiety can be replaced with great joy.  

7 weeks pregnant

I can't believe I'm here.  Still pregnant at 7 weeks.  Although this is not the furthest a pregnancy has gone and then miscarried for me - it is still much further than all but 1. 

Which gives me hope, lots and lots of hope.

I still have this fear in my head though, what if?

What if this one doesn't make it? 

What if the ultrasound doesn't show a heartbeat? 

What if I start to miscarry at youth encounter next weekend or my friend's wedding the following? (and none of these people even know I'm pregnant)

What if there is something wrong with this baby?

What if I get my heart broken again?

But you see - what is hope if it is in things I am certain of?  Well, that is not hope at all - that's knowledge. 

Trusting God these past few weeks has been especially hard, and to be brutally honest - I've ignored him more than anything. 

Infact, I've forgotten that I'm pregnant most days, other than those few moments when I have to take my Welcome Womb (nasty, nasty stuff) or progesterone, or vitamins - or when a good friend calls just to see how I'm holding up. 

I hate that I've disconnected myself but connecting myself right now - although I love this child with all that I am - is not what I can handle. 

I have too much to do, too much to handle to consider the weight of losing a baby right now.  And no time to grieve, so I choose to ignore. 

And if this child finds his or her way to heaven before I have a chance to meet them face to face, I will grieve - if the time comes.

 (maybe a little too much Cinderella for me, but every time I see "if" italicized I think of Lady Tremaine saying  "If you can get your work done and If you can find something suitable to wear" and then explaining to her daughters... "of course I said "If")

As my mother so often said "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."  Hopefully this road does not take me to that bridge, but right now - I still don't know.

I read this verse on a friend's blog last night - and found that as fitting as it was for her, it fits here as well. 

“For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”

Romans 8:22-25

6 weeks 4 days pregnant

This post won't be posted until well past this date.  But I can't help but desire an outlet for all that is going through my mind at 10:21pm on this Thursday evening. 

I have surpassed 6 weeks pregnant, a huge milestone for me, and am 4 days in.  I look forward especially to surpassing 7 weeks 5 days ( a little over a week away.)

This pregnancy has been a whirlwind.  Unexpected, and ultimately not expected to make it I took a last resort and began taking Welcome Womb the day after I found out I was expecting again.  Around 5 weeks I began to feel the symptoms of queezyness and they have slowly progressed. 

At 6 weeks I ventured to my Mom and Dad's home 12 hrs south of us, for some time to just sit and enjoy their company.  My trip is nearly over and it hardly feels as if it's begun.  Day 1 my beautiful daughter ran a temp of 103.9 for the majority of the day, Day 2 my mom was sick with a fever and all through out I've been battling a constant feeling of nauseousness and general exhaustion (which makes me happy).

Today I experienced cramping most of the evening.  I know this happened with Am, but there is no amount of reasoning that can make my mind satisfied that this pregnancy is still going strong.  I keep hoping, keep praying, keep resting all of this in God's hands. 

I don't know that there is a moment I'm not thinking about the baby, and a moment when I'm not praying for this oh so fragile life to continue its creation. 

I realized today that I did not adequately prepare for this trip and will soon run out of Welcome Womb.  I ran my husband all over town at 8:30 pm to find a place that would overnight me my tincture for a decent price and in the end purchased another set online, set to arrive Sat. morning.  Hopefully in time. 

Once again, everything rests in God's hands. 

I look forward to the day when we can pick out baby names, and  I can register on baby center, target, and for cloth diapers.  I long for the moment when I can joyously exclaim for all 400+ facebook friends to see that I am FINALLY expecting a baby in May! 

But right now I hold tight to this child.  I wait, and wait.  My daughter is thoroughly excited, looking forward to a new baby brother or sister (she say's sister).  I run a few names through my head and hope that I have an opportunity to voice them to my husband in anticipation. 

October 11 I have a second ultrasound set up.  Our first was the day before i left for this trip and we saw exactly what you'd expect at 5weeks 5days pregnant, a yolk sac.  Not much - but enough to know things were moving smoothly. 

Part of my longs for an ultrasound today to know that all these cramps are signs of a growing uterus and not signs of impending miscarriage. 

I want life to flow from my womb.  Living breathing beautiful kissable, life.  The kind that makes your soul rejoice.

Tonight I lay in bed for a few moments and longed for heaven.  Where I was surrounded by all my children, there was no distress, no illness, no disease, no concern.  We worship God with a holy abandon and find ourselves in complete fullness of his love. 

I have no other source of strength but him right now.  No amount of rest, medicine, sickness brings me peace as he does. 

No matter the outcome he is my strength.

One Born Every Minute

Just to be clear, I really don't like this show.  It's on lifetime and for the most part every mom gets an epidural and pitocin and the birth of a baby is depicted as a very medical thing. 

But tonight I sat down to watch an episode on hulu, mostly becuase I'm tired and have little better to do. (like the dishes and laundry wouldn't be better...)

And although the births were just as usual, pitocin, emergencies, c-sections, and crass family members there was a part in this episode that had me bawling the whole way through.  (and I'm not exagerating, hysterically bawling)

A young mom giving up her twin babies for adoption. I've spent two years wondering if our baby will ever come and here I saw a couple with no other children who had spent 13 years waiting for their babies. 

13 years. 

Oh my heart.  The adoptive mom sobbed and sobbed and I could only but understand a fraction of what she feels. 

Adoption is such a beautiful gift.  Aaron and I hope to adopt children someday, a difficult and scary road.  And this episode only pulled on my heart as I imagine it would for any parent who has longed and wondered when will my baby come? 

a tv birth

It's been a long time since I've blogged.  Time has gotten away from me, and been rather consumed with other things going on in our lives. 

I have no however been without things to say, just without time or motivation to write them. 

As most of you know, I am a Certified Childbirth Educator and am currently pursuing certification through DONA International to recieve my doula certification.

Thus, I have become a birth junkie.  I love childbirth.  I think being a part of such an amazing time of transition in a woman's life is absolutely incredible and maybe I've been drawn to it in part because of our own struggles and difficulties in this area.  Maybe I am fascinated by the miracle of birth and gestation.  Maybe I am just inclined towards it, whichever it is - I love birth.

I also love television, and praise God (I mean that literally) that we do not have reception out here and I am insanely limited on the amount of television I get to watch.  Becuase I would be one of those people who watches it constantly.  I have, however, found a few television shows that I can watch online for free and every so often I pull up my laundry basket to the computer and watch a show and fold several loads of laundry. 

One of my shows featured the birth of a new baby last week, and boy was I excited!  I seriously had high hopes for this birth.  I knew that having watched this show they would do what they could to portray birth in a positive light... they had to, its a decent show.

Anyway, so , 15 min left in the movie the woman was in an argument with her brother in law and her water breaks.  (believable, could happen... Rupture of membranes before contractions start only happens in about 10% of women, but it does happen).    Then, they're driving to the hospital as fast as they absolutely posssibly can.... and the woman is screaming that she's going to have this baby on the car seat.  what?? 

Okay... could happen, not likely.  I mean, 30 seconds ago you weren't even having contractions now your baby is coming out?  Then they get to the hospital, the dad isn't there and within minutes she's pushing the baby out.  Really??  it doesn't happen that fast.  She's sweating and screaming and saying she's tired and can't push and she's been in labor for all of 15 min... thats being generous on the time frame. 

I was a little peeved.  Granted, she wasn't rushed in for a c-section, that would have been bad icing on a bad cake, but it still portrayed birth as this scary, emergency, oh-my-gosh-I'm-gpoing-to-have-this-baby-in-the-car, scenario.  And its not. 

Birth is natural, birth is beautiful, birth can be peaceful. 

Done. end of rant.

100 Days of Beholding - Day 1

I was invited by a friend on facebook to be a part of "100 Days of Beholding"  Check out her document and join in on the revelation. 

I want to share with all of you a few of my beholdings as I go through this journey.  Today is Day 1 for me, and although I won't subject you to every entry of mine - I want you to see some of my highlights. 

#1) I'm thankful for time of stress.  they increase my faith and teahch me to trust [God] even when I don't want to.  Trusting involves letting go - and letting go means I could get hurt.  But I've leavned that you are good and even when my heart is broken you love me most.  So in this time of stress, when my only choice is to trust you - I let go and know that you are always good.
I am one who chooses to avoid stress at all cost.  Whether it is avoiding confrontation, avoiding traffic, avoiding grocery stores...you get the idea.  I avoid stress because I fear I don't handle it well.  Sometimes, stress, is unavoidable and its learning to handle it, and handle it well that teaches the most about who God is.

#6 I'm thankful for [our daughter]; a fun loving child, full of joy, who mimicks our acts of love and has taught us that gentle parenting, although heard work - is worth the effort.  A child who is by no means perfect but speaks trust in simple words; when I'm sick "Jesus will heal you, Mommy."  A risk taker from the beginning - bold and strong willed - she will shake this woorld for Jesus as she grows and matures in him.  She is all real - nothing fake in her and when she commits her life to Christ she will be unmoveable.
I often times speak of my child as a handful, difficult, exhausting; terms that in no way build up her charachter.  But she is so much more than that - she is all that we prayed for in a daughter.  Strong willed, unshakeable, loves deeply.  I compare her to other children, raised similarly, and wonder 'hHve I done something wrong?' but I know...  I know.... She doesn't commit until she's sold out - and when this one sells out for Christ - the world will never be the same.

I look forward to what the rest of the 99 days brings.  I know that this is an exercise in believing, beholding, and becoming.  I don't want to become complacent in my place of life. 
 

I want to be like them...

I saw this on my friend's facebook today and couldn't help but think I really hope my husband and I are that adorable some day.  Enjoy <3

A whole lot of everyone

I've been spending a lot of time in the lab getting my blood drawn lately.  They're running hormone blood work on me.  As I sit there (for what seems forever) I see lots of people come and go. 

There is the man in the Chicago Bears sweatshirt (Go Bears! - I almost told him that too), the older lady; dressed well, the husband and wife couple that didn't sit next to each other (and I was in the middle), the little boy and his mom, a young handicapped girl; younger than Am with her mom and grandmother, the lady with a learning disability who was worried about her doctor's appt at 2:30, the woman hoping to retrieve her husband's x-rays. 

And we all sat, and we all waited. 

All of us waiting for different things. 

Why were we there?  Was it a life or death result?  Was anyone praying for good news? 

As we waited Am sang her favorite song from Tangled, her new favorite movie.  Some people smiled at her, some look at me like I was crazy, most just ignored her.  I thought she was adorable. 

It hit me again, as it often does, that we all are living this world with something. 

Why did the Chicago Bears man need his lab work?  Why was the handicapped woman so worried about her appointment?  Is the little boy healthy? the little girl?  What about the woman all dressed up?  Was she dressed up to make her feel better, because inside she feels so sick?

I've heard so many stories this week of life and death.  Good news, bad news.  A sick mom, a baby lost, a baby gained.  We are all here, and God is working in the midst of it all. 

Mark 2:17 "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." 

And here we all are, in great need of the great physician.

Pregnancy is never the same

I really liked this woman's article about pregnancy after loss.  She articulates what I can not always do so well.  And I know that no matter what stage of pregnancy you are in after experiencing a loss - you will never view your pregnancy through the same eyes of one who has not lost.  The early pregnancy moments of stomach upset and unending nausea are welcomed, even prayed for - and near the end you second guess every "quiet" moment, every twinge, hoping everything is still alright, hoping you'll have full arms and not empty ones in a matter of weeks.  Read on....

"Well the title says it all–I’m 29 weeks today. And while I feel totally and wonderfully grateful and happy to be here, I admit, that part of me is still terrified. I’m starting to realize, there is no point in which a former infertile ever feels ‘safe’ during a pregnancy.

We know too much. We’ve heard too many stories. Our innocence was taken away either directly or through association in this community. And while it’s easy to tell yourself that such horror stories are rare. That we exist in a bubble rife with these sorts of tales because that’s what this community is about, it’s still hard not to look over your shoulder and wonder, “will it be me?”......(read more)"

I'd do it again.

I was talking to a good friend of mine last week and she reminded me that I would go through everything we've been through to have a baby again just to have my daughter.  She's that amazing.  No amount of heartache can overwhelm the joy of having a child.  So I will do it all again for another one, no matter what!  I will.  Becuase I love them too much.  They're too precious to give up on.

hoping

Heading for a blood test this afternoon and hoping for good news. 

Pretending you're pregnant isn't cute.

I found this link through another blog I read.

I have to say - yes, exactly how I felt when I got 4 facebook messages about this years facebook breast cancer awareness. 

I didn't choose to post her status as mine, my husband and I agreed it might not come across well.  But - she's right, lets raise awareness about something awareness needs to be raised about, like infertility and miscarriage. 

Anyway, you can read the article here.  I did not write this article and it does have some language not appropriate for well..anyone.  But its still a good point.

Mean Girls

I was listening to the radio while driving my car home the other night and I had a disturbing realization.

The program I was listening to was Homeword When Mean Girls Become Angry Moms with guest Author Hayley DiMarco. 

I think I might be mean.  I talked to my mom about it and (of course) her answer was that I am not mean - thanks Mom. 

But really, am I?  Hayley DiMarco says that every girl, let me say that again - EVERY girl, has been a mean girl at some point in her life.  What if I still am?

Sometimes I'm rude, judgemental, irritable, defensive, gossiping, annoyed....and on and on and on...

Do you ever feel that way?  Like maybe you're not as nice as you think you are?

For a long time in my life, because I was pretty introverted, I was considered to be snobby, stuck up, maybe a little full of myself (as most introverted girls are considered to be). 

What if I've really become that way?  I'm not longer as introverted as I used to be - but have I taken on the snobby, stuck up, full of myself attitude?  I sure hope not. 

And this year I'm taking steps to make sure if I have, I stop.

Last Thursday began our first MOPS of 2011-2012 (yea!) and I'm setting out to be nice.

No more thinking someone doesn't like me becuase they looked at me wierd.  No, no, no.   I'm going to think the best of people and treat people the way they deserve to be treated. 

So ladies, really.  Can we check our irritabilities, annoyances, and frustrations at the door and save them for the dishes, lawn mower, and other inanimate objects that won't have their feelings hurt by our particularly stressful day?

And if you're having a hard time with "Mean Girls" or Mean Women for that matter - I encourage you to listen to Part 1 & Part 2 of When Mean Girls Become Angry Moms on Homeword with Dr. Jim Burns and Hayley DiMarco and pick up a copy of her book: Mean Girls (although I think they book may be directed towards teenage girls)

New Blog!

I know, I know.  I was so against 1 blog and now I have 2! 

I didn't feel it was right to clutter up The Delicate Balance with all my non-fertility issue stuff. 

So, I've created a new blog for just our family, homeschooling, mind rambling, parenting confusion, gardening, life, other stuff.

These Things I Know is my new blog!  Please Check It Out and follow it too!!

Type-A Mothering.

I am not a Type-A personality.  My ducks are most certainly usually not in rows, although I very much so wish them to be.....

Okay, nevermind.  I looked up the "characteristics of a Type-A personality"  and well... 

I am a Type-A personality. 

So maybe my ducks are in a row, I just want them in a straighter row. 

Well, where I was going with this is. 

Being a Mom is hard work.

I am usually wondering if I'm doing a good job and raising our child.  She's beautiful, talented, funny, sweet, and a direct reflection of myself.

Today I noticed something about my daughter that is painfully close to my own behavior. 

She refuses (and I mean out right refuses) to do anything she thinks she isn't good at.  (My husband mentioned to me - after I claimed I'm not competitive - that I'm actually very competitive, so much so, that I won't play something unless I'm certain I have a good chance at winning.)

For instance:  We recently started homeschooling her (she's 3 - ding ding ding, Type A mother).  I'm using 3pre-k curriculum, so don't worry it is age appropriate, and I'm supplementing it with Handwriting Without Tears curriculum for writing.  I read through part of the parent's manual that accompanied it, but then we started school so I just started in and haven't finished it yet.

However, one week in I'm realizing that this curriculum is intended for 4 yr old pre-k.  Our little one is probably not really ready for this yet, even though she can in fact do it, she is too intimidated by it.

So, I'm giving up the workbooks and worksheets for awhile. 

Part of my brain tells me that if I don't make her do it she'll never have to do things she doesn't want to. 

The other part tells me that I'm going to make her hate school before she even had a chance to love it. 

So, for now, I somehow have to lay down my Type-A and let things be a little less perfect. 

I'm still a good mom and she's most certainly a great kid. 

If You Want Me To - Ginny Owens

I've always loved this song.  It ran through my head tonight and as I sang it I realized, that it's exactly right.

Things may not be the way I would have planned them, but I will go through the valley if He wants me to.

Beauty From Pain - Superchick

I'm sorry I haven't written in a few days.  It's been a rough week for me.  Allergies have me tired, itchy, and not feeling well. 

This song is one that I've listened to over and over since losing our very first baby.  It articulates in so many ways what I've been feeling as we struggle time and time again to expand our family.  It came on during my playlist while driving today, and I realized that once again, this is how I feel.  And I know that it will get better.

Welcome Womb

I've been hearing more and more about an herb called Welcome Womb. 

What I've heard thus far includes:

• It is used during pregnancy to prevent miscarriage
• It tastes nasty
• It is a collection of herbs
• It varies how much you take based on something...

So, I'll be looking into it more later.  But that's what I know thus far. 

Anybody else heard anything about it?  Good or bad? 

First Day Of Preschool

Ever since Am was born my husband and I have gone back and forth on what to do about her education. 

We knew that we wanted her to either be homeschooled or attend a private christian school throughout gradeschool age, but we had a hard time deciding which was best.  My husband always gave the opinion that we would only homeschool if we had more than one child, because he wanted her to be socialized. 

But here we are, our daughter is 3, and with out any other children around we had to make a decision.  There is an excellent christian preschool in town but we decided that since Am is only 3, this year for sure we will homeschool and we'll take next year however it comes.  Am is already a pretty social butterfly.

So today was the day!  We started preschool and it went really well!

Here are some pictures:

Her first day of school picture!  She was very excited to get started and was holding her case with her books to read that day and worksheets inside!

Here she is working on her How Many Dancers? game from 1+1+1=1 an excellent resource for homeschooling parents! 

coloring 1 red gingerbread, 1 green gingerbread, and 1 blue gingerbread from the Everything for Early Learning book.

took a break in the middle to burn off some energy riding her bike!

We drew a ladder with sidewalk chalk and played balancing games with it.  Then she rode her bike up the ladder. 

All in all it was a fun morning for us and we will have our next homeschooling morning on Wednesday.

Where The Rubber Meets The Road

Yesterday was a hard day.  I had a lot to do in the way of cleaning my house for people coming over and preparing for homeschooling, but I spent most of my afternoon crying and eating, because eating makes me feel better (atleast for a little bit, lol). 

I just read my last post and saw that I wrote "this is where the rubber meets the road, how I do what I do".  Which is exactly, being a childbirth educator, pursuing my doula certification and fight a battle with secondary infertility and recurrent miscarriage. 

The reason I said "where the rubber meets the road" is because I taught a class while pregnant and then another the following week while miscarrying.  I've only taught during a miscarriage once before and it was my first class I ever taught, other than that I've cancelled my class. 

It was really fun for me to teach while pregnant, having never been able to do that before (because my pregnancies haven't lasted that long) I enjoyed talking about anatomy and the birth process while inside being excited about my own birth.  I never share with my classes when I'm pregnant or miscarrying, that's kind of wierd to me.  People usually feel ackward when I mention it and if you throw in there the fact that they're pregnant and I'm not...it makes things more ackward. 

I don't suffer from jealousy of my clients, just a desire to be on this journey with them.  In a way, I am another stop on their journey, but I long for the kinmanship pregnant women share with one another.  Returning to work following a miscarriage is more difficult that actually teaching the class.  Because I work at a pro-life pregnancy center, and the women there are prayer warriors like you've never encountered, I do share with them my pregnancy and ask them to pray.  Delivering the news that I've miscarried is difficult and hard to do for me.  I dread that much more than teaching my class. 

Teaching during a loss is for me, completely exhausting.  My body is already tired from the physical aspect of things, but the emotional aspect is difficult as well.  Pushing my feelings down and talking about a subject I'd rather avoid at the moment wears at me. 

I do wonder what God's plans are for me in all of this.  I know he can bring good from bad and I'm praying he pours it on!  I need to know that there is purpose in this pain. 

So, yesterday was hard becuase I watched a video.  It was a birth story and in it a little girl met her baby sister.  Her mom described her older daughter's reaction as instant love.  And I broke.  My daughter wants to be an older sister, and I know she'd make a great one.  But this is a gift of which she doesn't understand the value.  A gift that only God can give her. 

Someday, someday when she is an older sister and she understands the preciousness of her position she will be able to glorify God in it with us. 

The next few posts are from my recent pregnancy and miscarriage.  I wrote them during the days when I wasn't announcing my pregnancy or miscarriage.  If you scroll down to 4 wks pregnant (July 2011) you can read them from the beginning. 

The aftermath - July 14, 2011

For those of you who have wondered why I kept this to myself and didn't tell many people about my pregnancy, here it is.  Sometimes its nice to pretend that everything is perfect in my world, even when I know its not. 

The Aftermath :

It’s way too late.  I spent an hour (or more, I lost track of time) reading nothing on facebook, wondering how in the world other mothers have the time and abilities to accomplish all that they do. 

Exhaustion and frustration are not becoming of me. 

I keep wondering when I can post the story of the past week on my blog, but then I wonder how, so that it makes sense, and why.  My blog is about the delicate balance I walk in life; living my own personal struggle with infertility and miscarriage while working as a birth educator and now doula. 

And here it is, where the rubber meets the road.  Here is where you see it all, the dirt, the part that has always made you wonder how I do what I do. 

So, this crazy last week – I have to post it.  Even though I’m afraid of the comments.  It’s not sympathy I seek.  No, that’s not really me.  No, infact, I wish to handle this privately.  But somehow out there I thought it might be nice if people who ask me all the time “how do I handle my friend’s miscarriage?”  would have a place where they can hear the feelings of one who has been there. 

Not so that tomorrow you can give me an encouraging hug, or one of those looks that says “I’m sad for you”.  But so that someday when you’re faced with something you don’t really understand – you can let your friend know that it’s okay that they don’t know what they need from you, but yet they know that they need you.  And that’s all there is to it.

So, one of these days, I’ll post the story.  All of it – the blog posts, the journal entries, the prayers. 

But today, it’s still private.  I like it that way.

7/14/11 

Goodbye Bunnin - July 13, 2011

written shortly after recieving the phone call from the drs office

I had some cramping and spotting over the last few days. I tried to pass it off as implantation spotting but as my nausea abated and everything else returned to its not pregnant state - I went in for another blood test. It came back this afternoon that my hormone levels had dropped from 49 (on Friday) to 11 today.

So, in essence, my body will probably miscarry this baby in the next day or two once my progesterone shot from this morning wears off.

However, amidst the tears - and frustration, I choose to remember that God can still work a miracle here. He can bring these levels up. And I was encouraged last night when reading in Romans - that my faithlessness does not nullify God's faithfulness.

So, although I close this chapter on this baby's life I know that God may not have that in store at all, and all hope is not lost.

7/13/11

The Update - July 12, 2011

This was written the day before I got blood tests that showed I would be losing the baby.

While I haven’t yet been able to post these last few posts, I’m finding great therapy in writing out what is going on. 

I had a frustrating doctor’s appt. on Fri. in which I believe the exact words she used were “It’s still early so you could either way.”  I’m not sure she meant it to sound so cold but it hurt a little bit of the hope I’d been banking on. 

The weekend was busy and, baby wise, uneventful.  We visited friend and had family come into town for a few days. 

Sunday night I had a sharp “twinge” on my left side and began spotting.  It made me very nervous and left me running for the bathroom often to check if the spotting had gone away, which it did very quickly.  Monday morning I got a call from my doctor/midwife’s office that my hormone levels had doubled from Wed. to Fri (like they’re supposed to) and they wanted me to come in and start progesterone injections.  So my husband and I went in and they showed him how to give those injections at home. 

So here we are today.  I started spotting again midmorning.  I had some mild cramping this morning but nothing major or worrisome, till the spotting started.  So instead of spending my day watching 19 kids and counting with my mother-in-law, I left my daughter with her and came home to calm down my worried self and relax and make as many trips to the bathroom as I want.  

So that is where I’m at right now.   

New Hope - July 9, 2011

This was written Friday, July 9, 2011 - following my dr appt. 

New Hope

I have a lot of things to accomplish today, but unfortunately I’ve spent the last two hours sitting around, doing nothing.  My day is wasting away and all because I can’t rid my mind of today’s unsettling news. 

I’m going to keep the frustrating stuff short, because there have been too many other promises revealed since then.   I went to my Dr. this morning to receive the shot I was expecting.  We arrived at 9am, right on time and sat and waited and waited and waited.  I was surprised we actually got to see our Dr.  being that I was just expecting a shot and had brought along my trusty husband so he could learn how to give it at home.  She went over my HcG results which were pretty low, but I am pregnant.  Because of this, she said I’m in the very early stages and doesn’t want to give me the progesterone shot just yet, she wants to wait and see what happens with my second blood draw levels later this morning. 

I felt….frustrated, like I’d just wasted my morning to get frustrating news that you could have told me over the phone.  That I’d built myself up in excitement, saying “Body, just make it till Friday, Friday you’ll get your shot.”  But that’s not what happened.  It upset me, truly.  Deep down, I felt like I was given little hope. 

But here’s what I know.  That result was from Wed.  today is Friday, things have most definitely changed and progressed.  I have no spotting, and I feel more pregnant.  God is not confined to a blood draw.  So,  I called a few friends, I cried a little, I sent some texts.  I prayed.  They prayed.  I’m so thankful that prayer works. 

I went to lunch with my very dear friend.  When I think about all that we’ve been through together, it brings tears to my eyes.  There is nothing like a friend who has seen it all with you and knows exactly how to love you.  Anyway, she gave me a gift.  And what a sacrifice this gift is, but it’s a reminder to me of my promise.  And a reminder of a friendship that goes beyond what man can see but to a bond that has been formed through the great grace of God.  Few people will understand the significance of this exchange but it will forever be another brick in the building of this friendship.  So thank you, dear friend, for reminding me today that my hope is not in man – but my hope is in the Lord. 

After returning home I was vegging on facebook and I read a post from a friend of my mom’s.  It told the story of a family who, after 3 miscarriages this past year, were given the devastating news through ultrasound that the baby they were carrying had died in the womb.  In a follow up appt today, another ultrasound was done and what the Dr. saw on the screen was a healthy, 10 ½ week baby bouncing around. 

Today is a day I need to surround myself in miracles.  I know the statistics, I know my body.  But that is nothing compared to knowing my Lord.  So, today in the midst of what could take me down – I will be up.  God has not given up on my child and neither will I. 

Blog posts - from pregnancy (July 2011)

This post may seem out of order, as it is.  But I wrote this the day I found out I was pregnant with Bunnin.  Since losing that baby I'm finally ready to put things out there - so here it is:  (I hate to have to say this, but just a reminder, I did miscarry this baby so please, no congratulations)

Blog Post 7/7/11 – 4 wks pregnant

I want to post on my blog, but all that’s on my mind concerning our fertility is our latest blessing.  And as excited as I am about finally and surprisingly achieving pregnancy, I’m not quite ready to share our joy with everyone.  Mostly because I am unable at this time to match their level of excitement. 

I am excited, oh yes, but not jump up and down, shout for joy, let’s tell everyone, excited.  I will be, give me a few weeks and a few more days of morning sickness and let these abdominal pains slow down and then you can bet I’ll be jumping, screaming, beaming with joy.  So until that day comes, I’m keeping my news between some family and a few close friends. 

But here I am… 

Yesterday morning I took that pregnancy test.  I’d had a few symptoms here and there while on our vacation but didn’t want to look dumb when I wasn’t pregnant (again) so I kept that to myself… for the first time EVER.    I took the test and it was a very (and I mean, VERY) faint positive… so I took another one and it looked the same.  Different brand though.  A faint positive is a positive though, and I called my dr’s office.   I had blood drawn to check my HcG and progesterone levels.  I’ll find out those results tomorrow when I go in to get my first progesterone injection.   The injection makes me nervous – sounds a little more painful than swallowing pills with morning sickness (which wasn’t fun)…  and the side effects are about the same.  I can handle shots but I’m not sure if getting them 3 times a week will make me hate them or become ambivalent towards them.  I’m pulling for ambivalent. 

I feel… well…  not much of anything.  Physically I sometimes feel pregnant, sometimes not.  But emotionally I don’t feel anything except relief every time I go to the bathroom and I haven’t started spotting.  I don’t really like people that do know about the pregnancy asking me questions about it, because it’s always on my mind – but I don’t really want to talk about it.  I don’t really want to hear congratulations yet, I’m not that excited (yet). 

I wish that when my babies grew up I could say that I was so thrilled to find out they were coming the moment I took the test.  But even with Am, I can’t say it.  I cried when I found out Am was coming, so great was my fear over losing another baby.  This time, it’s just another thing on my mind for a few weeks – until it’s more real and likely to stay.  I wish I still had the emotion that I had with Baby K and even Tiny.  But after those two, excitement was kind of lost on me.

So, I’ll make it through today.  And we’ll see what tomorrow brings.  This weekend looks to be really busy; visiting good friends that are moving far away, a prenatal visit with a doula client, and family coming into town.  I’m not sure how it will go.  I’m hoping I still manage to take it easy despite the demands. 

I’m especially blessed to know that every person I’ve told is praying for a healthy baby, as am I.  I am blessed to have prayer warrior friends.  Thank you, Lord. 

A Much Needed and Enjoyed Vacation

My husband and I celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary back in June, but June was packed full of things to do - so we decided to take our trip in August.  This past weekend was the time and I have to say it did not in anyway dissapoint!

I was looking forward to this trip for weeks! (maybe months) - and the whole week before I was willing to do almost anything because I was going to Wisconsin Dells that weekend! 

There was so much to do and we had so much fun!  We laughed and smiled and enjoyed each others company so much.  I haven't worn such a big smile in a very long time!  We spent Friday at Mt. Olympus, which was very fun, Saturday was cold and rainy so we went horseback riding and rode the Ducks (the amphibious adventure...drives on land and in water) and walked around down town after a nice dinner at Cavarelli's.  And Sunday was the big part of the trip, Noah's Ark!  I LOVE water and water parks and Noah's Ark was everything a huge waterpark should be!  Although, after a cold, rainy weekend it was pretty packed on Sunday and most of the newer rides had lines from 45min - 1 1/2 hrs long.  Needless to say we did not go on Scorpion's Tail or Black Anaconda (they had the longest lines).  Aaron's favorite ride was Time Warp, and I agree it was really fun - but I'm suffering from a real case of whiplash from that one.  My favorite was Sting Ray, which was nearly the same amount of adrenaline... without the whiplash.  We finished our trip with dinner at Mexicali Rose on the river and a stop at a cheese shop to stock up on delicious Wisconsin cheese.  Here are a few pictures from our trip. 

I just don't want to.

I'm currently pursuing my doula certification and have a few books left on my reading list before I can say "whew, that's done!"  (the reading part... still have a long way to go on the rest)

Doula certification shouldn't be that hard, if I put my mind to it.  But right now, I'm tired.  I'm a little tired of learning about pregnancy.  I just finished up teaching a series of 6 childbirth classes, my sister-in-law just had her baby (one of the final ones in a string of pregnancies surrounding me), I'm still trying to crochet her a baby blanket, we're supposed to start homeschooling next week, the garden is in full tomato madness (and calling for much cooking of tomatoes!), and end of summer activities are taking up soo much time.

So everytime I sit down to read a book about pregnancy, I just think - ugh.. I just don't want to.  Maybe this one is the kicker... maybe I should just pick a different book to read right now.  I started reading this book the same week I found out I was pregnant with Bunnin.  I was really excited to read a book about pregnancy while I was pregnant (it's so much more fun that way).  But now... my motivation to read this book is like staring at a pile of dirty dishes.  It hasn't started to smell yet, so I probably won't read it till it does. 

The book I'd like to read is one on infertility...but my schedule screams at me that I should read the pregnancy book, so instead, I'm not reading at all.  Which is a bummer, because I love reading. 

Ah, miscarriage - how you shake my stable world.  I'm still getting my sea legs on this one. 

See you in heaven, Bunnin

This post has been eating at me for weeks.  I've just been waiting for when is the right time to say goodbye to this baby.  It may seem strange to you that 4 weeks later I'm finally letting go, but that's how it is; a letting go process. 

This is the card my mom sent me shortly after we found out we would be losing Bunnin.  I've never recieved a card more appropriate for what I was feeling.  It was such a relief for me to know that my mom got it.  She understood that even though I was sad, I was still filled with joy because I had hope.  Hope does not dissappoint. 

This is the outfit I bought Bunnin shortly after hearing of his unexpected arrival.  (We don't actually know this baby's gender, we assume boy becuase that's what our intuition says).  We buy each baby an outfit as soon as I learn they are coming.  It's their very own special gift, just for them from us.  This outfit will be packed away in a special box with the others.  

Hello Bunnin, it is so nice to meet you.

Goodbye Bunnin, I wish I could have held you, kissed you, whispered to you, nursed you.  I wish you could have been held by your daddy.  He makes everyone smile and I know you would have loved playing with him.  I wish you could have met Am, she will be the best big sister a little one could know.  Bunnin, I know you are having fun playing with our other babies, your great grandparents, and some cousins.  We will be there soon, we love you. 

I leave you with this, the verse inside the card my mom sent me.