I was driving into town last week and I heard this song on the radio. I believe it hit me, quite hard it felt, that for a long time I have been trying to write my own story. This is probably the reason that I find people that have what I want, a knowledge of what their future holds, and I'm jealous of them. Even more jealous if they have that knowledge and are pursuing their passion, and it's something (I think) I want for my life also, but am not sure if that is the direction in which I am headed.
Am I rambling? Does that make sense? In my book study last spring, Unglued by Lisa Turkhurst, there was a whole chapter on jealousy. That chapter was like a cold bucket of water over my head. Yikes! That was one of the first times I have really taken on the knowledge that I fight jealousy. It's a companion I need to learn how to shake, and hopefully I am learning how to shake. I tried bottling it up, and putting on a happy smiley face, but no, that just makes me stew and become bitter. I thought that maybe telling people when I was jealous of them would help me shake it, but no, that just makes me look (and feel) like an idiot.
Ah, I see, jealousy is from the evil one, the one who wants me to look like an idiot, push people away, and become angry and bitter.
In life, there are a thousand different reasons to be jealous. Someone always has it better, there is always something to be desired. Whether it be a job, a family, a dream - someone always has something you could want, or desire.
When I look back at my adult life I can see that God has taken me on an interesting journey. One I never would have imagined 10 years ago, when I was a young college student, engaged to be married and living with my neighbors, studying for a degree I (kind of) intended to use, in a field I (kind of) enjoyed. To be honest, it was the grace of God that led me to that degree, the one that opened doors and got me on my start to being a childbirth educator and later birth doula. I love what I do. I couldn't imagine loving any other job (outside of my role as a mom) more.
I never once imagined I'd be the woman I am today, with the passions I have today. I never once imagined that I would homeschool, or care about red dye and high fructose corn syrup (seriously, I love fruit snacks and twinkies - er, I did... okay, I do still love fruit snacks), or be passionate about natural childbirth, or passionate about natural anything (again, the girl who popped ibuprofen in high school like it was candy and thought McDonalds could pass as a healthy meal). I never once imagined that we would have miscarriage after miscarriage and wonder how many children we would have. I also never once imagined that I would doubt myself or that I wouldn't know what the next step would be.
And that's where I am. I don't know what the rest of the story is, and often times I try so hard to write it for God only to find myself more confused and frustrated than before. But I forget, he has written it thus far; He has opened doors, presented opportunities, and shaped me and molded me along the way, all in his timing, for his purposes.
So I think listening to this song this week has been a good reminder to me to stop playing with God's pen. A reminder to be fully invested in the current life God has called me to lead and when the time is right, he will guide me to the next step, whatever that may be. We are all on different paths, because we are all different people. Some of us are called to take similar journeys, but no journey is ever identical to or better than someone else's.
A journey is a journey, and I will let God lead mine.
**This post was written late at night, after reviewing it this morning I would like to add that I am not insanely jealous as the piece might suggest. But I do believe that I struggle with jealousy just like anyone else. I am not focusing this post directed at any specific person or event, it is just general reflection.**
*This post has been edited*
