Acronyms and MFM

In the years since I joined the vast blogging world, mostly reading, sometimes typing - my repertoire of acronyms has greatly increased.

I now know LOTS of acronyms for words people just don't want to type over and over again.  It's like being on Facebook when someone rights SMH and you think "what?!"

It's "Shakes My Head" - I know because I googled it.

In the TTC (trying to conceive) world, you'll see acronyms you never knew existed from CM - cervical mucous to RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist.  Everyone who's TTC sees an RE - or so it seems.

But when I mentioned the idea of seeing an RE to my MW (midwife) she instead suggested I see someone in Maternal Fetal Medicine - and what did I find out - there's and acronym for that too!  MFM

She thinks I should see an MFM because my issue isn't TTC as much as it is RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss)

So - I am on the hunt for an MFM, one that is awesome, and my insurance covers.  Good luck to me - because according to the provider network search on their website - this does not exist.

So, tomorrow I call the insurance just to verify that they do not cover MFM's and that I do, indeed, need my midwife's office to fill out an Out Of Network Provider Referral form.  And then call my MW office to request they fill out those forms for me...

I hate being a pain in the tush.

Comparisons: The Deadly Trap

Have you ever read a story and thought to yourself "Wow.  That is really powerful!  I wish my story was that impressive."

I was just thinking that.  I play the comparison game way too often with myself; looking at other people's stories, lives, or opportunities as ways to make myself feel less.  

I've realized though, that I'm not the only one.  People have compared themselves to me!  And I think, uh... I wish I could be flattered, instead I find that you are sorely mistaken!!

I keep having to remind myself that we are all just humans.  She's human, I'm human, you're human.  And God did not create all humans to have the same stories, they are all different for special reasons and purposes.  Sometimes we choose the path our lives take, sometimes we don't - either way my story is not supposed to look like hers, your story is not supposed to look like mine.

If I keep this perspective in mind, it helps me from playing the comparison game.  It helps me from getting jealous that her story sounds cooler than mine, or more exciting, or like she is a better multi-tasker, or that she is more capable than me.  No, none of those things are true - today she might be cooler than me, but that's because we had a different day.  Tomorrow my day might be more exciting, and for goodness sake, next week her balls in the air might come tumbling down while I'm juggling with ease.  I might have PMS today, and she might be at her peak hormonal performance.

Lysa Turkhurst says in her book Unglued:  "Comparison steals celebration."  She goes on to say "We stop celebrating our own good and have a really hard time celebrating others' good."

What a profound statement and truth.  How often have I done that?  I stop seeing all the good God is doing in and through me and I get angry about all the good God is doing in and through someone else!  That is so backward and contrary to what God has called us as believers to do.

Just some conviction for myself tonight as I jealously began to think that someone else's story might be more powerful than mine.

Happy First Birthday Zemirah!

Can you believe it was 1 year ago today that I gave birth to this little cutie??

Oh my gosh, she's so cute!  I can't get enough!!  

Here she is today, as cute as ever!  I can't believe how quickly this year has flown!

And in case you can't see her gorgeous eyes in that picture, here's another one ~

She is too cute for words!!  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZEMIRAH HOPE!  

You bring us so much joy!

Romans 15:13a

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing..."

We thank God every day for the reminder of his faithfulness and provision through the beautiful little life of Zemirah Hope.  

You can read the story of her beautiful and nearly perfect birth here.  It was a dream birth come true!

Life Lately

I should go to bed, seriously.  It's 11:30 pm and Z has gotten into a frustrating habit of waking up at 3:15 am and just hanging out for awhile.  I'll be regretting this later I'm sure.

But, I've spent my evening pouring over the memorial pictures, with the song He Weeps by Fireflight running through my head.

Appropriate really, although I haven't done much weeping the last few days, just you know, sighing.

My husband and I finally celebrated our birthday tonight.  It was especially wonderful since I enjoyed a huge steak, medium rare, a couple of sweet teas, and way too many Texas Roadhouse rolls.  It was delicious.  (Thank you parents, we appreciated it!)

I feel like I should give you an update on how we're doing.  We're doing good?  Good is such a strange way to phrase it, but we're not doing bad?  I don't know.  I guess, we're moving through this.

Aaron and I were talking to night about how God has strengthened us through this, how he may not have given us the miracle of Isaiah living on Earth, but he is working a miracle through the pain of losing Isaiah.  (We worded it more eloquently when we were talking about it earlier).  Just that we have seen his hand on our entire pregnancy, from the moment of conception and the several weeks we were clueless to his pregnancy - through to even now.  Even now.

When I posted the memorial piece yesterday I posted the song Sunshine by JJ Heller - well yesterday I received in the mail from a friend this:

The card read: Sending you some sunshine in the midst of your storm

She sent me a box full of everything yellow, it definitely brought me a lot of sunshine and made my day.  Everything was yellow!

Sometimes are really good, sometimes I'm really sad.  I'm having an especially difficult time with little boys.  I miss not having mine.  There was a tiny, newborn baby boy in the waiting area at Texas Roadhouse tonight and I just wanted to snatch him up and take him home.  I tried to keep that thought to myself though as I'm sure his mother wouldn't appreciate knowing there was a crazy stalker baby stealer in the restaurant.  I restrained myself, I did not steal that woman's super cute baby. 

But I wanted to...

okay. okay. not really. 

but kind of.

Anyway, here are a few pictures of the last few days - As much as there has been sorrow, I've enjoyed my little girls even more.  A loss always punctuates a gain and my sweet girls are a big gain.  Treasures I tell them, precious treasures.  

This little girl adores her daddy!

How Zemirah manages to smile while being squished by her big sister is beyond me, but she loves it!

This is how I spent my Mother's Day afternoon, tickling my girls and really really laughing.  It was a hard day, but I really did enjoy my babies.

Yes, that's a booger on Zemirah's chin; it had apparently dried there during her nap and she wouldn't let me pick it off.  

So that is a bit of our lives the past few days.  God has been very good to us, he has blessed us immensely and as we heal from the loss of Isaiah we will continue to know and feel his blessings even more.  

Isaiah's Song & Memorial Service

I am a big JJ Heller fan.  I like to sing "When I'm With You" to my girls and "The Boat Song" to my husband.   So it is only fitting that we have a song by JJ Heller for sweet little Isaiah too.

At the end of his memorial service we played "Sunshine" and while the music played my beautiful 5 year old daughter, completely enamored with her tiny baby brother and with a perfect perspective of the wonders of heaven, danced through the whole song. 

 It was perfect.

While this song plays you can scroll through a few of our memorial pictures.  These pictures were taken by two amazing photographers from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  What a beautiful organization, thank you for capturing this day for us.

Isaiah Michael Kellett

May 2, 2013

7:50 am

This was engraved on Isaiah's white keepsake box that we have and also on the inside of the heart shaped box he was buried in.

This box was fitting for our butterfly baby, engraved on the outside was "expect miracles...they happen every day."  It speaks well of the short and miraculous life Isaiah lived.

Isaiah's statue

My girls

You'll see in the next few pictures that Amariss was quite the comforter.  She loved and adored her little brother very much.

My parents

A prouder big sister, I have never met.

Aaron's mom holding Zemirah; our parents did a wonderful job keeping her occupied and taking turns holding her.

We read:

Isaiah 49:14-23

Isaiah 65:17-24

Isaiah 66:7-13

Our final goodbyes

Amariss loves to finish her dances with a big full Mommy hug

*Isaiah was buried near our Bleeding Heart plant.  We found it fitting as it is in full bloom in early May.  We were also gifted with a Japanese Maple from Aaron's mom and a Blue Hydrangea from my parents.  In addition I received a wind chime from a wonderful group of friends and our once empty shade garden is now very full and has come to possess much meaning.* 

Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day and in many ways I feel Isaiah's loss more poignantly today then most other days.

Although, I've noticed that as the shock of this loss has worn off, my heart is aching more deeply.

I have so many emotions and am doing such a poor job expressing them.  Maybe tomorrow I'll be more able.

For all the women out there with aching empty arms this Mother's Day, my heart is aching for you too.  Praying you feel God's grace and presence wrapped more tightly around you today.

The last 6 days....

I can't believe that tomorrow marks 1 week since we lost our sweet Isaiah.  Time has moved slowly and at warp speed at the same time.

1 week ago I got the muffle fixed but it feels like months ago.

1 week ago I bought maternity clothes and a blue whale sweater in anticipation that Tic Tac would be a boy. It feels like just yesterday.

Today was similar to last Wednesday, marked with perfect blue skies and warm sunshine.  Only today I could walk to pick Am up from school, and today my neighbor took my girls to the park with her kids so I could have some time to myself.  Last week we all laughed and played together on a blanket under the big maple tree while our 5 year olds put on a play about kitties again.  We talked about Rat's miscarriage (their cat) and I made a gesture and said "I feel ya sista" as a joke.  Oh how true the next day would make that statement.

Thursday was, well, overwhelming.  In every sense of the word.  I haven't yet decided if I'll post the details of that awful morning, from the early morning cramps to the very end just a few hours later.

We were so blessed to spend 2 1/2 days with our sweet Isaiah, memorizing him, holding him, counting his fingers and toes - loving him just like we would any other baby.  Our time with him was just too short.

A few have asked just how we knew Isaiah was a boy, it was quite obvious when he was born.  Although it wouldn't have been visible by ultrasound, there is no doubt about it.

My parents made a quick trip up - I say quick because they left within 1 hr of my mom getting home from work, but the 11 hour trip was certainly not quick for them.  But they came - and they mourned with us.

We had a beautiful service on Saturday attended by just us and our parents.  It was exactly what we all needed and brought healing full circle.  We called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and were blessed by two wonderful volunteer photographers who came out and took pictures of our memorial service.  They were truly a gift to us as we were able to experience Isaiah's service without thought as to whether or not we would have pictures to remember it by.

My parents had to head back home on Sunday, really - they spent almost more time traveling to get here than they spent here, but I can not thank them enough for making the trip.

These last few days with Aaron back at work have flown.  I don't really know where they've gone.  I know that there are going to be many emotional battles in the days, weeks, and months ahead.

I will begin teaching again this summer, and was hoping to be able to spend an afternoon a week at the pregnancy center.  November will probably be the most difficult, with the elation of Z's birth still pulsing through my veins, my heart will ache on Isaiah's due date more than the others.

I miss him so much already, as I have him pictured as a little boy laughing, running, playing.  I can see him jumping off of furniture with a cape and scaring me with snakes and spiders.

Life is full of crazy ups and downs, twists and turns.  Heartache and joy mingled into one.

Isaiah Michael

I'm sure in the next few days, weeks, and months - as my emotions unravel you will hear much more from me on all of this.  Probably every thought, whim, or idea that could possibly seek to provide answers but of course, answers that will really never come this side of eternity.

So, with a heavy heart -

This morning, at 7:50am, on May 2, 2013, I miscarried our son, Isaiah Michael, at 11 weeks 1 day gestation.    A beautiful little boy, perfectly formed in every way, will be spending the rest of his days with Jesus and several of his siblings.  However, Mommy, Daddy, and big sisters have heavy hearts as we miss our little boy.

Thank you so much for your support, and your prayers over the past few weeks and even as we go through the next few days.

Much love,
Brie