Yesterday, I had the incredible priveledge of attending the birth of a good friend's baby. It was absolutely amazing. My friend did absolutely amazing.
I arrived home, and read a post from a fellow TTC blogger. Who through this journey, has become what I consider a friend. Yesterday, her fears were confirmed. She was miscarrying her baby, again.
The strangeness of it all.
A life born onto earth, a life born into heaven.
My heart is full of joy for my friend, my heart aches for my friend.
2.25.2012
2.20.2012
27 weeks....
Today marks 27 weeks into my pregnancy.
More importantly, today marks 1 week shy of entering my 3rd trimester! (can you sense the excitement?) feel it baby, its real.
I've had so many different and conflicting emotions during this pregnancy. It's like I'm in a constant battle with myself to enjoy and feel, and hurry through to see my prize. I want to enjoy what may be my last pregnancy, but after all we've been through - I care much less about the pregnancy and much much more about the baby.
To help me put some things into perspective let me share my disappointments and excitements:
Disppointments
1) I remember pregnancy being way more awesome than this. I remember it as this magical time in my life with Amariss, where we would just rest and get to know each other, and I didn't have many cares in the world. I didn't know the reality of babies dying before they should (other than my previous miscarriages). I didn't understand the truth of the NICU. I didn't understand the importance of nutrition and exercise, so I ate whatever I wanted. Now I've heard countless stories of babies dying in the womb, have friends and clients who have lived through the NICU, and struggle daily to make sure I'm putting the right nutrition into my body to feed my growing baby.
2) I wanted to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, but all I really want now is to hit 37 weeks so I know that if she's born, she'll be safe. I work with pregnant women, when I'm working, and around 32-33 weeks they get really complainy. Suddenly, they just want this baby out! And that's all they talk about. They talk about feeling sick and tired all through the first trimester, then complain about something else through the second, and finally by the time they reach the third the only thing they feel for pregnancy is I'M DONE! I never wanted to feel that way. I longed for a pregnancy for so long that I wanted to treasure every single awful moment and bask in the glory of the good moments. But now it seems my days are filled with worry and anxiety. Did she move enough today? Am I cramping or stretching? was that another Braxton-Hicks? How many have I had today? Why do I feel light headed? Is it my blood pressure? Is it my blood sugar? and the what-ifs keep coming. And here I am, ready to be done with the what-ifs. Just ready to enjoy pregnancy, being pregnant, and joyfully (yes, joyfully) anticipating labor and delivery of a beautiful baby girl.
Excitements
1) I'm learning to trust God more than I ever have before. All those questions mentioned above - they send my anxiety levels sky high, and once again I have to ground myself. Shortly after I announced my pregnancy I had a conversation with the director at our pregnancy center. It went something like this:
Me: I just want to be done and have a healthy baby! There's too much stuff to be worried about during pregnancy!
Vicki: Maybe God designed pregnancy to be 9 months for more than just the development of the baby. Maybe there are things he wants you to learn too.
And she left it at that. Yep, lots of trust to be learned. I find myself hurryng back to the scriptures I've quoted before:
Phillipians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And there I am, with a pregnancy that has not been as peachy as my fourth, but much peachier than my 1-3 or 5-7 learning in new ways every day to trust God.
2) I'm gaining a different perspective on pregnancy. Up until this pregnancy my ideas of what pregnancy "should" or "did" look like were based upon a near flawless pregnancy, things I'd read in books, and 6 miscarriages. So, essentially - if you made it past 12 weeks I didn't have much for you in the way of "been there, done that" experience. And now, here I am - in a rougher pregnancy. Morning sickness that lasted longer than 18 weeks, and was much different than before, and now grappling with blood sugar problems that have yet to be figured out... whether it be high or low. (glucose tolerance test on wednesday). I don't want to be a diabetic. I don't want to be hypoglycemic. I just want to be normal, like I was with Am. However, as my mom pointed out to me - I am learning alot, and becoming much more sympathetic towards women who have less than perfect pregnancies.
3) Labor and Delivery. Yes, I'm excited about it. My first labor with Am was long and hard. I wasn't prepared for a long prodromal period, nor how painful that really can be. I wasn't the woman then that I am now. I've grown up, matured, made changes to my lifestyle - and am considerably more educated (not sure if that's a good or bad thing). I can not wait to experience all that labor and delivery have for me. I can't wait to put some of my knowledge into real life, first-person experience. For 3 years I've been educating women on birth, and just waiting until I could experience it too and now my time is coming and I am so very excited.
I'm ready to be humbled, ready to be tired, ready for the pain - but mostly I'm ready to meet this miracle.
And that is that.
27 weeks.
3 months.
I can't wait to hold both my girls in my arms and let all the tears of all we've lost and all we've gained mingle together as I bask in the miracles that are my children.
God has blessed me abundantly.
More importantly, today marks 1 week shy of entering my 3rd trimester! (can you sense the excitement?) feel it baby, its real.
I've had so many different and conflicting emotions during this pregnancy. It's like I'm in a constant battle with myself to enjoy and feel, and hurry through to see my prize. I want to enjoy what may be my last pregnancy, but after all we've been through - I care much less about the pregnancy and much much more about the baby.
To help me put some things into perspective let me share my disappointments and excitements:
Disppointments
1) I remember pregnancy being way more awesome than this. I remember it as this magical time in my life with Amariss, where we would just rest and get to know each other, and I didn't have many cares in the world. I didn't know the reality of babies dying before they should (other than my previous miscarriages). I didn't understand the truth of the NICU. I didn't understand the importance of nutrition and exercise, so I ate whatever I wanted. Now I've heard countless stories of babies dying in the womb, have friends and clients who have lived through the NICU, and struggle daily to make sure I'm putting the right nutrition into my body to feed my growing baby.
2) I wanted to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, but all I really want now is to hit 37 weeks so I know that if she's born, she'll be safe. I work with pregnant women, when I'm working, and around 32-33 weeks they get really complainy. Suddenly, they just want this baby out! And that's all they talk about. They talk about feeling sick and tired all through the first trimester, then complain about something else through the second, and finally by the time they reach the third the only thing they feel for pregnancy is I'M DONE! I never wanted to feel that way. I longed for a pregnancy for so long that I wanted to treasure every single awful moment and bask in the glory of the good moments. But now it seems my days are filled with worry and anxiety. Did she move enough today? Am I cramping or stretching? was that another Braxton-Hicks? How many have I had today? Why do I feel light headed? Is it my blood pressure? Is it my blood sugar? and the what-ifs keep coming. And here I am, ready to be done with the what-ifs. Just ready to enjoy pregnancy, being pregnant, and joyfully (yes, joyfully) anticipating labor and delivery of a beautiful baby girl.
Excitements
1) I'm learning to trust God more than I ever have before. All those questions mentioned above - they send my anxiety levels sky high, and once again I have to ground myself. Shortly after I announced my pregnancy I had a conversation with the director at our pregnancy center. It went something like this:
Me: I just want to be done and have a healthy baby! There's too much stuff to be worried about during pregnancy!
Vicki: Maybe God designed pregnancy to be 9 months for more than just the development of the baby. Maybe there are things he wants you to learn too.
And she left it at that. Yep, lots of trust to be learned. I find myself hurryng back to the scriptures I've quoted before:
Phillipians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And there I am, with a pregnancy that has not been as peachy as my fourth, but much peachier than my 1-3 or 5-7 learning in new ways every day to trust God.
2) I'm gaining a different perspective on pregnancy. Up until this pregnancy my ideas of what pregnancy "should" or "did" look like were based upon a near flawless pregnancy, things I'd read in books, and 6 miscarriages. So, essentially - if you made it past 12 weeks I didn't have much for you in the way of "been there, done that" experience. And now, here I am - in a rougher pregnancy. Morning sickness that lasted longer than 18 weeks, and was much different than before, and now grappling with blood sugar problems that have yet to be figured out... whether it be high or low. (glucose tolerance test on wednesday). I don't want to be a diabetic. I don't want to be hypoglycemic. I just want to be normal, like I was with Am. However, as my mom pointed out to me - I am learning alot, and becoming much more sympathetic towards women who have less than perfect pregnancies.
3) Labor and Delivery. Yes, I'm excited about it. My first labor with Am was long and hard. I wasn't prepared for a long prodromal period, nor how painful that really can be. I wasn't the woman then that I am now. I've grown up, matured, made changes to my lifestyle - and am considerably more educated (not sure if that's a good or bad thing). I can not wait to experience all that labor and delivery have for me. I can't wait to put some of my knowledge into real life, first-person experience. For 3 years I've been educating women on birth, and just waiting until I could experience it too and now my time is coming and I am so very excited.
I'm ready to be humbled, ready to be tired, ready for the pain - but mostly I'm ready to meet this miracle.
And that is that.
27 weeks.
3 months.
I can't wait to hold both my girls in my arms and let all the tears of all we've lost and all we've gained mingle together as I bask in the miracles that are my children.
God has blessed me abundantly.
2.07.2012
and it all comes back to the same thing...
The last few days/ last week have been stressful for me and the more stress I feel, the more stress I put on myself. A compounding effect, a cycle that never really ends until finally I just break down and realize I'm crazy.
Lets go back, because I like going back...
I was born an introvert, and although that isn't necessarily a bad thing, I had always leaned heavily on this as a crutch in my life. I realize now that what a lot of people may take as a standoffish or snobby personality was me not knowing how to talk to people, and so I just didn't. If you went to high school with me, you might think its crazy to say I was introverted because I was a cheerleader and on speech team, but those things were acting to me. An outlet where I could put on this invincible shield of that "character" and just be who I was playing.
Deep down, groups of people make me nervous, meeting new people makes me nervous, and starting conversations also makes me nervous. However, I met and married the most extroverted person I know, and in that, I have come out of my shell quite a bit. Although, I still find myself falling into this rut, often.
All this to say, I had a lot of fear of people. So over the years I began to quote to myself:
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And slowly but surely I began to control my anxiety around people. But lately I find myself coming back to the same things.
Not necessarily people this time, but circumstances. Here I am, pregnant, healthy, and excited. But terribly fearful.
and I repeat to myself "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and of a sound mind."
I pray that the knowledge I've learned over the years about childbirth would give me power, that I would be moved by a deep love for my unborn baby, and that my mind would not be anxious, but that it would be sound - solid, unshakeable.
And it all has come full circle, I'm still fighting fear.
And God is still winning.
Lets go back, because I like going back...
I was born an introvert, and although that isn't necessarily a bad thing, I had always leaned heavily on this as a crutch in my life. I realize now that what a lot of people may take as a standoffish or snobby personality was me not knowing how to talk to people, and so I just didn't. If you went to high school with me, you might think its crazy to say I was introverted because I was a cheerleader and on speech team, but those things were acting to me. An outlet where I could put on this invincible shield of that "character" and just be who I was playing.
Deep down, groups of people make me nervous, meeting new people makes me nervous, and starting conversations also makes me nervous. However, I met and married the most extroverted person I know, and in that, I have come out of my shell quite a bit. Although, I still find myself falling into this rut, often.
All this to say, I had a lot of fear of people. So over the years I began to quote to myself:
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And slowly but surely I began to control my anxiety around people. But lately I find myself coming back to the same things.
Not necessarily people this time, but circumstances. Here I am, pregnant, healthy, and excited. But terribly fearful.
and I repeat to myself "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and of a sound mind."
I pray that the knowledge I've learned over the years about childbirth would give me power, that I would be moved by a deep love for my unborn baby, and that my mind would not be anxious, but that it would be sound - solid, unshakeable.
And it all has come full circle, I'm still fighting fear.
And God is still winning.
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