A few days ago, I attended my first birth as a birth doula. It was an absolutely incredible experience. You know when God sets you on a path and the steps are small to take you to his full vision and potential, but each step is taking you somewhere? That is how I feel about this birth.
Each step is taking me somewhere. A little over two years ago I became a childbirth educator. I taught my first class the day after my fourth miscarriage. Then, I had no idea all that was happening in my own journey for more children. But even since hitting this hurdle, I've never once questioned my love for the miracle of childbirth. And after attending this birth, my love is not dampered but increased.
Sometimes, I find it strange how I manage these two different worlds. The one where I instruct women on what childbirth is, what to expect, and techniques to manage labor well and now working with their partner to coach them through. Then the other world, where I rest in the peace that my time will come again but struggle with the unanswered question of when.
I'm not perfect, each day is different. It seems lately I've been more down about it than I have in the months previous. I'm not sure if it's because I've given up or if it's just the circumstances that have presented themselves around me make it more visible in my own eyes.
I don't think I've given up, I think I've given in.
I haven't given up the dream, nor the promise. But what was denial for several months, almost a year, has given way to grief. Is that the right word?
Is it okay to say that as happy as I am with my job, as happy as I am for my clients, as happy as I am for and with my friends, sometimes I am sad for me? Is that okay?
That is how I feel. I love my job. There is no other place I'd rather be.
I just long for the day when I can be the pregnant or laboring woman and someone can doula for me again.
5.26.2011
5.18.2011
Great
Wow. You ever thought to yourself "I had it all wrong! This whole time I was looking at the wrong thing!"
That's how I feel tonight. Renewed. Reenergized. My priorities were off, focused on the wrong thing.
When I was looking at the stories of infertile women who have been trying and trying and trying to have a baby.... I remembered but discounted the stories of infertile women that God breathed life into their wombs.
I took on the mentality of defeat. I wasn't walking by faith.
I looked over the story of Sarah, of Rebecca, of Rachel, of Hannah, of Elizabeth. Over and over and over in the very lineage of my Savior, Jesus, there is story after story after story of God restoring and renewing the womb.
Ah, and in that there is great peace, great joy, great love shown.
That's how I feel tonight. Renewed. Reenergized. My priorities were off, focused on the wrong thing.
When I was looking at the stories of infertile women who have been trying and trying and trying to have a baby.... I remembered but discounted the stories of infertile women that God breathed life into their wombs.
I took on the mentality of defeat. I wasn't walking by faith.
I looked over the story of Sarah, of Rebecca, of Rachel, of Hannah, of Elizabeth. Over and over and over in the very lineage of my Savior, Jesus, there is story after story after story of God restoring and renewing the womb.
Ah, and in that there is great peace, great joy, great love shown.
Thank you!
I was on the phone this afternoon with my good friend and we were talking about her baby coming and her cloth diapers and new moby wrap... it was so fun, so exciting.
And then I remembered.
I remembered that I was researching moby's and cloth diapers last summer and the summer before that, and how badly I wanted to be doing that again. And suddenly the lump swelled in my throat and I said "wow, that sounds like so much fun! I wish I had a baby."
And like that the tone of our conversation changed.
I am so happy for her, like I am for all my friends. I couldn't be happier! I just want to soak in their sweet baby glow and sing for joy with them that they're having another baby! But sometimes, I bring the conversation down. We talk about all they are looking forward to and experiencing and we transition to all that I'm not. We start talking about dr.s appts, blood tests, hormone levels, adoption agencies, lots of questions with no answers... Just kind of sucks the joy right out of it.
I don't want to be the bummer friend, but I feel, lately, like I am. Thankfully, I am more than blessed with amazing friends. We rejoice with each others joys and mourn with each other sorrows. If they feel burdened by me they haven't let me know. I treasure these relationships that have withstood the test of time.
I want to say THANK YOU to all of you who after reading my blog, have sent encouraging messages, spoken kind words, or prayed for us.
As much as I write to feel better and release my emotions, I also write to inform. These are the feelings of hundreds of thousands of women and maybe reading this will help you understand and speak into their lives a little bit better.
Please share my blog with those who need to know they're not alone, but also to those who know someone struggling with infertility and want to understand more.
And then I remembered.
I remembered that I was researching moby's and cloth diapers last summer and the summer before that, and how badly I wanted to be doing that again. And suddenly the lump swelled in my throat and I said "wow, that sounds like so much fun! I wish I had a baby."
And like that the tone of our conversation changed.
I am so happy for her, like I am for all my friends. I couldn't be happier! I just want to soak in their sweet baby glow and sing for joy with them that they're having another baby! But sometimes, I bring the conversation down. We talk about all they are looking forward to and experiencing and we transition to all that I'm not. We start talking about dr.s appts, blood tests, hormone levels, adoption agencies, lots of questions with no answers... Just kind of sucks the joy right out of it.
I don't want to be the bummer friend, but I feel, lately, like I am. Thankfully, I am more than blessed with amazing friends. We rejoice with each others joys and mourn with each other sorrows. If they feel burdened by me they haven't let me know. I treasure these relationships that have withstood the test of time.
I want to say THANK YOU to all of you who after reading my blog, have sent encouraging messages, spoken kind words, or prayed for us.
As much as I write to feel better and release my emotions, I also write to inform. These are the feelings of hundreds of thousands of women and maybe reading this will help you understand and speak into their lives a little bit better.
Please share my blog with those who need to know they're not alone, but also to those who know someone struggling with infertility and want to understand more.
Too much...
I've been wanting to write, really I have. But there is just too much.
Too much on my mind.
Too much to write about.
Too much to do.
Too much to contemplate.
Too much to decipher.
Too much ...
I can't put all my thoughts into words, there are just too many going too many different directions. I've even started two different posts, and left them unfinished because I don't know how to finish them. There is no ending because lately it seems there aren't really answers. Atleast not answers I fully understand.
Isn't it funny how God works? He shows us his power, his might, his love, and his miracles but leaves it up to us to trust. Trusting, waiting, persevering.
Romans 5:3-5 "but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Too much on my mind.
Too much to write about.
Too much to do.
Too much to contemplate.
Too much to decipher.
Too much ...
I can't put all my thoughts into words, there are just too many going too many different directions. I've even started two different posts, and left them unfinished because I don't know how to finish them. There is no ending because lately it seems there aren't really answers. Atleast not answers I fully understand.
Isn't it funny how God works? He shows us his power, his might, his love, and his miracles but leaves it up to us to trust. Trusting, waiting, persevering.
Romans 5:3-5 "but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
5.12.2011
Stigmas
Today I was out running some errands (kid-free) around town. I noticed the time and headed over to my hubby's work to join him for lunch... on the way there I noticed...
**Let me preclude this story that I do not live in an "urban" area where it would be at all common to see this at any given point in time.**
A man riding a bicycle. I'm not sure what you think when you see a man riding a bicycle in the middle of the day (not a common sight around here) but I generally think "homeless". But after taking into account his helmet, bike gloves, nice clothes, and backpack I reassed my assumption to "lost his license". Yes, I know, being judgmental comes easy for me... as I'm sure it does for you too. Don't worry, I did eventually right myself... most likely this man is riding his bicycle because he WANTS to.... either for the pure enjoyment, exercise, or economy of it all. What you don't know, is that I thought all of that AND my husband has been training for the past month to start riding his bike to work (a 15 mile trip both ways). Does that make the story worse? Yes, I'd say it does.
So, here's how this fits in with the delicate balance... stigmas. They are everywhere and don't for a minute think that stigmas don't bleed into our reproductive lives as well. Why don't you have (more) kids? When will you have (more) kids? Do you not want (more) kids?
And if we don't know the person we probably won't ask. We'll just create our own assumptions, which may be quite far from the mark of truth.
This post is a tough one for me to write, because well - I'm admitting that I have probably thought or said those things at one time, and continue to say and think thoughtless things often.
So, to eliminate stigmas regarding our reproductivity lets just say this. If a person has no children, or one child, or two children, or however many is not enough for you - remember that you don't know their story.
Each person has a different story to tell, how would you want yours told? Be kind.
**Let me preclude this story that I do not live in an "urban" area where it would be at all common to see this at any given point in time.**
A man riding a bicycle. I'm not sure what you think when you see a man riding a bicycle in the middle of the day (not a common sight around here) but I generally think "homeless". But after taking into account his helmet, bike gloves, nice clothes, and backpack I reassed my assumption to "lost his license". Yes, I know, being judgmental comes easy for me... as I'm sure it does for you too. Don't worry, I did eventually right myself... most likely this man is riding his bicycle because he WANTS to.... either for the pure enjoyment, exercise, or economy of it all. What you don't know, is that I thought all of that AND my husband has been training for the past month to start riding his bike to work (a 15 mile trip both ways). Does that make the story worse? Yes, I'd say it does.
So, here's how this fits in with the delicate balance... stigmas. They are everywhere and don't for a minute think that stigmas don't bleed into our reproductive lives as well. Why don't you have (more) kids? When will you have (more) kids? Do you not want (more) kids?
And if we don't know the person we probably won't ask. We'll just create our own assumptions, which may be quite far from the mark of truth.
This post is a tough one for me to write, because well - I'm admitting that I have probably thought or said those things at one time, and continue to say and think thoughtless things often.
So, to eliminate stigmas regarding our reproductivity lets just say this. If a person has no children, or one child, or two children, or however many is not enough for you - remember that you don't know their story.
Each person has a different story to tell, how would you want yours told? Be kind.
5.10.2011
Hope in the midst of Infertility Part 2
Wow. Today's broadcast brought tears to my eyes. Please listen here.
I think the quote that struck me the most was by Marlo Schalesky, speaking from her heart and speaking truth... this is so often exactly, exactly how I feel....
Dr. Juli: How did it make you view motherhood, or even the child that you had, as you were going through infertility?
Marlo: In some ways you're more thankful and you don't want to miss anything from the one you have because you know how hard it is... and yet the conflict of knowing you need to appreciate the one but longing for the second one creates this strange sort of pain and tension inside that I found difficult to manage. At first it was like "We just want a kid!" you know, and then we had the first one, I wasn't prepared to know how to deal with it again. To know what to do when I want to appreciate the one and long for the next. And that was something that... it took those years and I never really came to the point where it was like "oh this is easy" and "I'm okay with this." It was always a struggle. Why am I here?
The second half of that broadcast really centered in on secondary infertility, although I would love to hear more. It is so often overlooked. Many, many people have told me to be thankful for the child I do have - yet the desire is still there, it doesn't go away.
My daughter had a difficult time going down for her nap this afternoon. All of the fun in the sun this morning made her overtired. To help her sleep I lay down with her and just let her relax into me. I peeled myself away (and I mean that literally, its pretty hot in here and we were stuck together) after my own little 20 min. power nap. Its true that I do not want to miss a single moment of my daughters life. If she's all I get I never want to forget the softness of her skin, her sweet scent, or the sound of her breathing; a thousand pictures could not capture her beauty. But each day she grows a little more independant, a little smarter, and a lot taller. I can't keep her three forever, nor was I able to keep her one or will I be able to keep her four. She must grow up. I am determined, however, to not take for granted a single moment of this journey. Whether or not another one comes along, I will treasure each and every moment of my daughter's life.
I think the quote that struck me the most was by Marlo Schalesky, speaking from her heart and speaking truth... this is so often exactly, exactly how I feel....
Dr. Juli: How did it make you view motherhood, or even the child that you had, as you were going through infertility?
Marlo: In some ways you're more thankful and you don't want to miss anything from the one you have because you know how hard it is... and yet the conflict of knowing you need to appreciate the one but longing for the second one creates this strange sort of pain and tension inside that I found difficult to manage. At first it was like "We just want a kid!" you know, and then we had the first one, I wasn't prepared to know how to deal with it again. To know what to do when I want to appreciate the one and long for the next. And that was something that... it took those years and I never really came to the point where it was like "oh this is easy" and "I'm okay with this." It was always a struggle. Why am I here?
The second half of that broadcast really centered in on secondary infertility, although I would love to hear more. It is so often overlooked. Many, many people have told me to be thankful for the child I do have - yet the desire is still there, it doesn't go away.
My daughter had a difficult time going down for her nap this afternoon. All of the fun in the sun this morning made her overtired. To help her sleep I lay down with her and just let her relax into me. I peeled myself away (and I mean that literally, its pretty hot in here and we were stuck together) after my own little 20 min. power nap. Its true that I do not want to miss a single moment of my daughters life. If she's all I get I never want to forget the softness of her skin, her sweet scent, or the sound of her breathing; a thousand pictures could not capture her beauty. But each day she grows a little more independant, a little smarter, and a lot taller. I can't keep her three forever, nor was I able to keep her one or will I be able to keep her four. She must grow up. I am determined, however, to not take for granted a single moment of this journey. Whether or not another one comes along, I will treasure each and every moment of my daughter's life.
5.09.2011
Hope in the Midst of Infertility
I have been so encouraged over this past Mother's Day weekend by churches and ministries that have chose to acknowledge women facing infertility and miscarriage. Mother's day can be one of the most difficult days of the year for a woman who doesn't have children of her own but longs so deeply for them.
I, by chance, today turned on my radio to a broadcast that really struck my core. Focus on the Family has a 2 part broadcast today and tomorrow addressing the delicate topic of infertility and miscarriage. Click here to listen.
Tomorrow I will post the second segment of the broadcast.
Thank you Focus on the Family for reaching out to all of us fighting our silent battle. It is a very difficult and, often times, untalked about one.
I, by chance, today turned on my radio to a broadcast that really struck my core. Focus on the Family has a 2 part broadcast today and tomorrow addressing the delicate topic of infertility and miscarriage. Click here to listen.
Tomorrow I will post the second segment of the broadcast.
Thank you Focus on the Family for reaching out to all of us fighting our silent battle. It is a very difficult and, often times, untalked about one.
5.08.2011
Ponderings
As a childbirth educator I spend a lot of my time reading a lot of different childbirth blogs. The information you can glean is incredible as they've already done a lot of the research for you and linked their sources. They often provide great birth stories and fun things to read as well.
But the one thing I just can't get over is how it seems that so many of them are pregnant. How in the world is it possible for a blogging woman to constantly be pregnant?! Not only that she's not on baby 1,2, or 3.. she's on 4 or 5... maybe 6.... How?! How?! How do you run a blog, chase 4 kids (usually all under the age of 5) AND be pregnant?
It overwhelms me, and it makes me wonder... do they know what its like? Do they understand how it feels to only have one child but long for more? And when they see me in the grocery store with my one child and they're there with their six... do they think less of me? Do they wonder why I only have one?
I've realized a few things since having several miscarriages and trying to achieve for so long: I think differently about just about everything. If a woman tells me she's pregnant but then I don't hear anything for a few weeks I begin to wonder if she might have miscarried. And when I see people in the store without kids I wonder if they chose not to have kids or if they're having a hard time getting some. When I see a mom with only one child I wonder if she wanted it that way, or if that's just how things played out.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this way, I know I'm definately not. But I know its different, I've had friends tell me so. And that's okay.
by the way - Happy Mother's Day, whether you're joyously anticipating the day you can hold a sweet baby who calls you "Mama", your babies are waiting for you in heaven, or your arms are full of sweet bundles. I hope you took time to celebrate today all that was, is, and will be.
Love to you all, Brie
But the one thing I just can't get over is how it seems that so many of them are pregnant. How in the world is it possible for a blogging woman to constantly be pregnant?! Not only that she's not on baby 1,2, or 3.. she's on 4 or 5... maybe 6.... How?! How?! How do you run a blog, chase 4 kids (usually all under the age of 5) AND be pregnant?
It overwhelms me, and it makes me wonder... do they know what its like? Do they understand how it feels to only have one child but long for more? And when they see me in the grocery store with my one child and they're there with their six... do they think less of me? Do they wonder why I only have one?
I've realized a few things since having several miscarriages and trying to achieve for so long: I think differently about just about everything. If a woman tells me she's pregnant but then I don't hear anything for a few weeks I begin to wonder if she might have miscarried. And when I see people in the store without kids I wonder if they chose not to have kids or if they're having a hard time getting some. When I see a mom with only one child I wonder if she wanted it that way, or if that's just how things played out.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this way, I know I'm definately not. But I know its different, I've had friends tell me so. And that's okay.
by the way - Happy Mother's Day, whether you're joyously anticipating the day you can hold a sweet baby who calls you "Mama", your babies are waiting for you in heaven, or your arms are full of sweet bundles. I hope you took time to celebrate today all that was, is, and will be.
Love to you all, Brie
5.07.2011
Drew's Faithful Feet 5k
We woke up early on this bright and beautiful Saturday morning to travel to Geneseo, IL so I could run my first 5k. Drew's Faithful Feet 5k (and kids runs) is a charity race that is held in celebration of the life of baby Drew Schaaf who passed away last summer at just 2 1/2 weeks old.
Before the race began they encouraged us runners to run in celebration of the lives of all those we've lost. So today I ran for my grandma and grandad, Vida and Ed Freeman, and for my five babies in heaven Baby K, Tiny, Iddy Biddy, Cinco, and Woven. I also ran, in celebration of the life of my miracle baby, Am. When she was born I truly had no idea just how precious she really is...the love I have for her now, overwhelms me.
It was a bittersweet race. I've had the desire to train for a race for sometime now, but things always came up that made it impossible... mostly pregnancies. And this spring I began training with the stipulation of "if I don't get pregnant". I didn't get pregnant, and I ran my 5k. So, in triumph - I did it! In sadnesss - we're still trying for another baby.
To tell you just how awesome we did (I say we, becuase one of my best friends also trained and ran with me).... Tuesday we ran my best time ever 35:59 min - and today I ran the 5k in 32:06.0 min. Almost 4 minutes off my best!!! (however I did walk for about 200 feet right after the 2 min mark).... Susan took off just before 2 mi and ran it in 30:??.6 so... she beat me by 1:30 ish and 14 people!!! Go Susan!!
An amazing experience and if I'm not pregnant next year, I'll be doing it again :)
Before the race began they encouraged us runners to run in celebration of the lives of all those we've lost. So today I ran for my grandma and grandad, Vida and Ed Freeman, and for my five babies in heaven Baby K, Tiny, Iddy Biddy, Cinco, and Woven. I also ran, in celebration of the life of my miracle baby, Am. When she was born I truly had no idea just how precious she really is...the love I have for her now, overwhelms me.
It was a bittersweet race. I've had the desire to train for a race for sometime now, but things always came up that made it impossible... mostly pregnancies. And this spring I began training with the stipulation of "if I don't get pregnant". I didn't get pregnant, and I ran my 5k. So, in triumph - I did it! In sadnesss - we're still trying for another baby.
To tell you just how awesome we did (I say we, becuase one of my best friends also trained and ran with me).... Tuesday we ran my best time ever 35:59 min - and today I ran the 5k in 32:06.0 min. Almost 4 minutes off my best!!! (however I did walk for about 200 feet right after the 2 min mark).... Susan took off just before 2 mi and ran it in 30:??.6 so... she beat me by 1:30 ish and 14 people!!! Go Susan!!
An amazing experience and if I'm not pregnant next year, I'll be doing it again :)
Anyone know how to get this picture to flip??
5.02.2011
We Will Overcome!
Last night I posted two of my favorite songs. We sang them in church yesterday morning. There is nothing I love more than worshiping God, my king, my redeemer. Nothing else can pull me out of a funk like worshiping my King. When I abandon myself before him I gain a fresh and new perspective on all things. My vision is no longer clouded by my own self-loathing or impossible ambitions, but I see things through his eyes. I see the greater glory of these moments and gain courage to step forth in obedience and joy.
So to sing "We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony," I am truly saying Jesus paid the price for my sin, I overcome adversity, I overcome anxiety, I overcome my own disasters by the blood shed for me and speaking the truth boldly, the truth of what was done for me.
There is great great great power in that. I'm just excited thinking about it! I can't sing that song without feeling passion about what Christ is doing in me well up! I can't sing it without leaping and dancing, raising my hands and worshiping! I'm in love, I'm sold out. My heart is pounding as I write this becuase I know it, I love it!
I'll finish with this, becuase nothing says it better than the word of God:
Revelations 12:8-11
8 But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in heaven. 9 The great dragon was hurled down—that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him.
10 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
“Now have come the salvation and the power
and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Messiah.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down.
11 They triumphed over him
by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
as to shrink from death
So to sing "We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony," I am truly saying Jesus paid the price for my sin, I overcome adversity, I overcome anxiety, I overcome my own disasters by the blood shed for me and speaking the truth boldly, the truth of what was done for me.
There is great great great power in that. I'm just excited thinking about it! I can't sing that song without feeling passion about what Christ is doing in me well up! I can't sing it without leaping and dancing, raising my hands and worshiping! I'm in love, I'm sold out. My heart is pounding as I write this becuase I know it, I love it!
I'll finish with this, becuase nothing says it better than the word of God:
Revelations 12:8-11
8 But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in heaven. 9 The great dragon was hurled down—that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him.
10 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:
“Now have come the salvation and the power
and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Messiah.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down.
11 They triumphed over him
by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
as to shrink from death
5.01.2011
2 Songs Tonight
I'm a little too tired to illustrate the significance of these two songs, but I'll post them anyway. I believe, they speak for themselves.
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