New Blog!

I know, I know.  I was so against 1 blog and now I have 2! 

I didn't feel it was right to clutter up The Delicate Balance with all my non-fertility issue stuff. 

So, I've created a new blog for just our family, homeschooling, mind rambling, parenting confusion, gardening, life, other stuff.

These Things I Know is my new blog!  Please Check It Out and follow it too!!

Type-A Mothering.

I am not a Type-A personality.  My ducks are most certainly usually not in rows, although I very much so wish them to be.....

Okay, nevermind.  I looked up the "characteristics of a Type-A personality"  and well... 

I am a Type-A personality. 

So maybe my ducks are in a row, I just want them in a straighter row. 

Well, where I was going with this is. 

Being a Mom is hard work.

I am usually wondering if I'm doing a good job and raising our child.  She's beautiful, talented, funny, sweet, and a direct reflection of myself.

Today I noticed something about my daughter that is painfully close to my own behavior. 

She refuses (and I mean out right refuses) to do anything she thinks she isn't good at.  (My husband mentioned to me - after I claimed I'm not competitive - that I'm actually very competitive, so much so, that I won't play something unless I'm certain I have a good chance at winning.)

For instance:  We recently started homeschooling her (she's 3 - ding ding ding, Type A mother).  I'm using 3pre-k curriculum, so don't worry it is age appropriate, and I'm supplementing it with Handwriting Without Tears curriculum for writing.  I read through part of the parent's manual that accompanied it, but then we started school so I just started in and haven't finished it yet.

However, one week in I'm realizing that this curriculum is intended for 4 yr old pre-k.  Our little one is probably not really ready for this yet, even though she can in fact do it, she is too intimidated by it.

So, I'm giving up the workbooks and worksheets for awhile. 

Part of my brain tells me that if I don't make her do it she'll never have to do things she doesn't want to. 

The other part tells me that I'm going to make her hate school before she even had a chance to love it. 

So, for now, I somehow have to lay down my Type-A and let things be a little less perfect. 

I'm still a good mom and she's most certainly a great kid. 

If You Want Me To - Ginny Owens

I've always loved this song.  It ran through my head tonight and as I sang it I realized, that it's exactly right.

Things may not be the way I would have planned them, but I will go through the valley if He wants me to.

Beauty From Pain - Superchick

I'm sorry I haven't written in a few days.  It's been a rough week for me.  Allergies have me tired, itchy, and not feeling well. 

This song is one that I've listened to over and over since losing our very first baby.  It articulates in so many ways what I've been feeling as we struggle time and time again to expand our family.  It came on during my playlist while driving today, and I realized that once again, this is how I feel.  And I know that it will get better.

Welcome Womb

I've been hearing more and more about an herb called Welcome Womb. 

What I've heard thus far includes:

• It is used during pregnancy to prevent miscarriage
• It tastes nasty
• It is a collection of herbs
• It varies how much you take based on something...

So, I'll be looking into it more later.  But that's what I know thus far. 

Anybody else heard anything about it?  Good or bad? 

First Day Of Preschool

Ever since Am was born my husband and I have gone back and forth on what to do about her education. 

We knew that we wanted her to either be homeschooled or attend a private christian school throughout gradeschool age, but we had a hard time deciding which was best.  My husband always gave the opinion that we would only homeschool if we had more than one child, because he wanted her to be socialized. 

But here we are, our daughter is 3, and with out any other children around we had to make a decision.  There is an excellent christian preschool in town but we decided that since Am is only 3, this year for sure we will homeschool and we'll take next year however it comes.  Am is already a pretty social butterfly.

So today was the day!  We started preschool and it went really well!

Here are some pictures:

Her first day of school picture!  She was very excited to get started and was holding her case with her books to read that day and worksheets inside!

Here she is working on her How Many Dancers? game from 1+1+1=1 an excellent resource for homeschooling parents! 

coloring 1 red gingerbread, 1 green gingerbread, and 1 blue gingerbread from the Everything for Early Learning book.

took a break in the middle to burn off some energy riding her bike!

We drew a ladder with sidewalk chalk and played balancing games with it.  Then she rode her bike up the ladder. 

All in all it was a fun morning for us and we will have our next homeschooling morning on Wednesday.

Where The Rubber Meets The Road

Yesterday was a hard day.  I had a lot to do in the way of cleaning my house for people coming over and preparing for homeschooling, but I spent most of my afternoon crying and eating, because eating makes me feel better (atleast for a little bit, lol). 

I just read my last post and saw that I wrote "this is where the rubber meets the road, how I do what I do".  Which is exactly, being a childbirth educator, pursuing my doula certification and fight a battle with secondary infertility and recurrent miscarriage. 

The reason I said "where the rubber meets the road" is because I taught a class while pregnant and then another the following week while miscarrying.  I've only taught during a miscarriage once before and it was my first class I ever taught, other than that I've cancelled my class. 

It was really fun for me to teach while pregnant, having never been able to do that before (because my pregnancies haven't lasted that long) I enjoyed talking about anatomy and the birth process while inside being excited about my own birth.  I never share with my classes when I'm pregnant or miscarrying, that's kind of wierd to me.  People usually feel ackward when I mention it and if you throw in there the fact that they're pregnant and I'm not...it makes things more ackward. 

I don't suffer from jealousy of my clients, just a desire to be on this journey with them.  In a way, I am another stop on their journey, but I long for the kinmanship pregnant women share with one another.  Returning to work following a miscarriage is more difficult that actually teaching the class.  Because I work at a pro-life pregnancy center, and the women there are prayer warriors like you've never encountered, I do share with them my pregnancy and ask them to pray.  Delivering the news that I've miscarried is difficult and hard to do for me.  I dread that much more than teaching my class. 

Teaching during a loss is for me, completely exhausting.  My body is already tired from the physical aspect of things, but the emotional aspect is difficult as well.  Pushing my feelings down and talking about a subject I'd rather avoid at the moment wears at me. 

I do wonder what God's plans are for me in all of this.  I know he can bring good from bad and I'm praying he pours it on!  I need to know that there is purpose in this pain. 

So, yesterday was hard becuase I watched a video.  It was a birth story and in it a little girl met her baby sister.  Her mom described her older daughter's reaction as instant love.  And I broke.  My daughter wants to be an older sister, and I know she'd make a great one.  But this is a gift of which she doesn't understand the value.  A gift that only God can give her. 

Someday, someday when she is an older sister and she understands the preciousness of her position she will be able to glorify God in it with us. 

The next few posts are from my recent pregnancy and miscarriage.  I wrote them during the days when I wasn't announcing my pregnancy or miscarriage.  If you scroll down to 4 wks pregnant (July 2011) you can read them from the beginning. 

The aftermath - July 14, 2011

For those of you who have wondered why I kept this to myself and didn't tell many people about my pregnancy, here it is.  Sometimes its nice to pretend that everything is perfect in my world, even when I know its not. 

The Aftermath :

It’s way too late.  I spent an hour (or more, I lost track of time) reading nothing on facebook, wondering how in the world other mothers have the time and abilities to accomplish all that they do. 

Exhaustion and frustration are not becoming of me. 

I keep wondering when I can post the story of the past week on my blog, but then I wonder how, so that it makes sense, and why.  My blog is about the delicate balance I walk in life; living my own personal struggle with infertility and miscarriage while working as a birth educator and now doula. 

And here it is, where the rubber meets the road.  Here is where you see it all, the dirt, the part that has always made you wonder how I do what I do. 

So, this crazy last week – I have to post it.  Even though I’m afraid of the comments.  It’s not sympathy I seek.  No, that’s not really me.  No, infact, I wish to handle this privately.  But somehow out there I thought it might be nice if people who ask me all the time “how do I handle my friend’s miscarriage?”  would have a place where they can hear the feelings of one who has been there. 

Not so that tomorrow you can give me an encouraging hug, or one of those looks that says “I’m sad for you”.  But so that someday when you’re faced with something you don’t really understand – you can let your friend know that it’s okay that they don’t know what they need from you, but yet they know that they need you.  And that’s all there is to it.

So, one of these days, I’ll post the story.  All of it – the blog posts, the journal entries, the prayers. 

But today, it’s still private.  I like it that way.

7/14/11 

Goodbye Bunnin - July 13, 2011

written shortly after recieving the phone call from the drs office

I had some cramping and spotting over the last few days. I tried to pass it off as implantation spotting but as my nausea abated and everything else returned to its not pregnant state - I went in for another blood test. It came back this afternoon that my hormone levels had dropped from 49 (on Friday) to 11 today.

So, in essence, my body will probably miscarry this baby in the next day or two once my progesterone shot from this morning wears off.

However, amidst the tears - and frustration, I choose to remember that God can still work a miracle here. He can bring these levels up. And I was encouraged last night when reading in Romans - that my faithlessness does not nullify God's faithfulness.

So, although I close this chapter on this baby's life I know that God may not have that in store at all, and all hope is not lost.

7/13/11

The Update - July 12, 2011

This was written the day before I got blood tests that showed I would be losing the baby.

While I haven’t yet been able to post these last few posts, I’m finding great therapy in writing out what is going on. 

I had a frustrating doctor’s appt. on Fri. in which I believe the exact words she used were “It’s still early so you could either way.”  I’m not sure she meant it to sound so cold but it hurt a little bit of the hope I’d been banking on. 

The weekend was busy and, baby wise, uneventful.  We visited friend and had family come into town for a few days. 

Sunday night I had a sharp “twinge” on my left side and began spotting.  It made me very nervous and left me running for the bathroom often to check if the spotting had gone away, which it did very quickly.  Monday morning I got a call from my doctor/midwife’s office that my hormone levels had doubled from Wed. to Fri (like they’re supposed to) and they wanted me to come in and start progesterone injections.  So my husband and I went in and they showed him how to give those injections at home. 

So here we are today.  I started spotting again midmorning.  I had some mild cramping this morning but nothing major or worrisome, till the spotting started.  So instead of spending my day watching 19 kids and counting with my mother-in-law, I left my daughter with her and came home to calm down my worried self and relax and make as many trips to the bathroom as I want.  

So that is where I’m at right now.   

New Hope - July 9, 2011

This was written Friday, July 9, 2011 - following my dr appt. 

New Hope

I have a lot of things to accomplish today, but unfortunately I’ve spent the last two hours sitting around, doing nothing.  My day is wasting away and all because I can’t rid my mind of today’s unsettling news. 

I’m going to keep the frustrating stuff short, because there have been too many other promises revealed since then.   I went to my Dr. this morning to receive the shot I was expecting.  We arrived at 9am, right on time and sat and waited and waited and waited.  I was surprised we actually got to see our Dr.  being that I was just expecting a shot and had brought along my trusty husband so he could learn how to give it at home.  She went over my HcG results which were pretty low, but I am pregnant.  Because of this, she said I’m in the very early stages and doesn’t want to give me the progesterone shot just yet, she wants to wait and see what happens with my second blood draw levels later this morning. 

I felt….frustrated, like I’d just wasted my morning to get frustrating news that you could have told me over the phone.  That I’d built myself up in excitement, saying “Body, just make it till Friday, Friday you’ll get your shot.”  But that’s not what happened.  It upset me, truly.  Deep down, I felt like I was given little hope. 

But here’s what I know.  That result was from Wed.  today is Friday, things have most definitely changed and progressed.  I have no spotting, and I feel more pregnant.  God is not confined to a blood draw.  So,  I called a few friends, I cried a little, I sent some texts.  I prayed.  They prayed.  I’m so thankful that prayer works. 

I went to lunch with my very dear friend.  When I think about all that we’ve been through together, it brings tears to my eyes.  There is nothing like a friend who has seen it all with you and knows exactly how to love you.  Anyway, she gave me a gift.  And what a sacrifice this gift is, but it’s a reminder to me of my promise.  And a reminder of a friendship that goes beyond what man can see but to a bond that has been formed through the great grace of God.  Few people will understand the significance of this exchange but it will forever be another brick in the building of this friendship.  So thank you, dear friend, for reminding me today that my hope is not in man – but my hope is in the Lord. 

After returning home I was vegging on facebook and I read a post from a friend of my mom’s.  It told the story of a family who, after 3 miscarriages this past year, were given the devastating news through ultrasound that the baby they were carrying had died in the womb.  In a follow up appt today, another ultrasound was done and what the Dr. saw on the screen was a healthy, 10 ½ week baby bouncing around. 

Today is a day I need to surround myself in miracles.  I know the statistics, I know my body.  But that is nothing compared to knowing my Lord.  So, today in the midst of what could take me down – I will be up.  God has not given up on my child and neither will I. 

Blog posts - from pregnancy (July 2011)

This post may seem out of order, as it is.  But I wrote this the day I found out I was pregnant with Bunnin.  Since losing that baby I'm finally ready to put things out there - so here it is:  (I hate to have to say this, but just a reminder, I did miscarry this baby so please, no congratulations)

Blog Post 7/7/11 – 4 wks pregnant

I want to post on my blog, but all that’s on my mind concerning our fertility is our latest blessing.  And as excited as I am about finally and surprisingly achieving pregnancy, I’m not quite ready to share our joy with everyone.  Mostly because I am unable at this time to match their level of excitement. 

I am excited, oh yes, but not jump up and down, shout for joy, let’s tell everyone, excited.  I will be, give me a few weeks and a few more days of morning sickness and let these abdominal pains slow down and then you can bet I’ll be jumping, screaming, beaming with joy.  So until that day comes, I’m keeping my news between some family and a few close friends. 

But here I am… 

Yesterday morning I took that pregnancy test.  I’d had a few symptoms here and there while on our vacation but didn’t want to look dumb when I wasn’t pregnant (again) so I kept that to myself… for the first time EVER.    I took the test and it was a very (and I mean, VERY) faint positive… so I took another one and it looked the same.  Different brand though.  A faint positive is a positive though, and I called my dr’s office.   I had blood drawn to check my HcG and progesterone levels.  I’ll find out those results tomorrow when I go in to get my first progesterone injection.   The injection makes me nervous – sounds a little more painful than swallowing pills with morning sickness (which wasn’t fun)…  and the side effects are about the same.  I can handle shots but I’m not sure if getting them 3 times a week will make me hate them or become ambivalent towards them.  I’m pulling for ambivalent. 

I feel… well…  not much of anything.  Physically I sometimes feel pregnant, sometimes not.  But emotionally I don’t feel anything except relief every time I go to the bathroom and I haven’t started spotting.  I don’t really like people that do know about the pregnancy asking me questions about it, because it’s always on my mind – but I don’t really want to talk about it.  I don’t really want to hear congratulations yet, I’m not that excited (yet). 

I wish that when my babies grew up I could say that I was so thrilled to find out they were coming the moment I took the test.  But even with Am, I can’t say it.  I cried when I found out Am was coming, so great was my fear over losing another baby.  This time, it’s just another thing on my mind for a few weeks – until it’s more real and likely to stay.  I wish I still had the emotion that I had with Baby K and even Tiny.  But after those two, excitement was kind of lost on me.

So, I’ll make it through today.  And we’ll see what tomorrow brings.  This weekend looks to be really busy; visiting good friends that are moving far away, a prenatal visit with a doula client, and family coming into town.  I’m not sure how it will go.  I’m hoping I still manage to take it easy despite the demands. 

I’m especially blessed to know that every person I’ve told is praying for a healthy baby, as am I.  I am blessed to have prayer warrior friends.  Thank you, Lord. 

A Much Needed and Enjoyed Vacation

My husband and I celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary back in June, but June was packed full of things to do - so we decided to take our trip in August.  This past weekend was the time and I have to say it did not in anyway dissapoint!

I was looking forward to this trip for weeks! (maybe months) - and the whole week before I was willing to do almost anything because I was going to Wisconsin Dells that weekend! 

There was so much to do and we had so much fun!  We laughed and smiled and enjoyed each others company so much.  I haven't worn such a big smile in a very long time!  We spent Friday at Mt. Olympus, which was very fun, Saturday was cold and rainy so we went horseback riding and rode the Ducks (the amphibious adventure...drives on land and in water) and walked around down town after a nice dinner at Cavarelli's.  And Sunday was the big part of the trip, Noah's Ark!  I LOVE water and water parks and Noah's Ark was everything a huge waterpark should be!  Although, after a cold, rainy weekend it was pretty packed on Sunday and most of the newer rides had lines from 45min - 1 1/2 hrs long.  Needless to say we did not go on Scorpion's Tail or Black Anaconda (they had the longest lines).  Aaron's favorite ride was Time Warp, and I agree it was really fun - but I'm suffering from a real case of whiplash from that one.  My favorite was Sting Ray, which was nearly the same amount of adrenaline... without the whiplash.  We finished our trip with dinner at Mexicali Rose on the river and a stop at a cheese shop to stock up on delicious Wisconsin cheese.  Here are a few pictures from our trip. 

I just don't want to.

I'm currently pursuing my doula certification and have a few books left on my reading list before I can say "whew, that's done!"  (the reading part... still have a long way to go on the rest)

Doula certification shouldn't be that hard, if I put my mind to it.  But right now, I'm tired.  I'm a little tired of learning about pregnancy.  I just finished up teaching a series of 6 childbirth classes, my sister-in-law just had her baby (one of the final ones in a string of pregnancies surrounding me), I'm still trying to crochet her a baby blanket, we're supposed to start homeschooling next week, the garden is in full tomato madness (and calling for much cooking of tomatoes!), and end of summer activities are taking up soo much time.

So everytime I sit down to read a book about pregnancy, I just think - ugh.. I just don't want to.  Maybe this one is the kicker... maybe I should just pick a different book to read right now.  I started reading this book the same week I found out I was pregnant with Bunnin.  I was really excited to read a book about pregnancy while I was pregnant (it's so much more fun that way).  But now... my motivation to read this book is like staring at a pile of dirty dishes.  It hasn't started to smell yet, so I probably won't read it till it does. 

The book I'd like to read is one on infertility...but my schedule screams at me that I should read the pregnancy book, so instead, I'm not reading at all.  Which is a bummer, because I love reading. 

Ah, miscarriage - how you shake my stable world.  I'm still getting my sea legs on this one. 

See you in heaven, Bunnin

This post has been eating at me for weeks.  I've just been waiting for when is the right time to say goodbye to this baby.  It may seem strange to you that 4 weeks later I'm finally letting go, but that's how it is; a letting go process. 

This is the card my mom sent me shortly after we found out we would be losing Bunnin.  I've never recieved a card more appropriate for what I was feeling.  It was such a relief for me to know that my mom got it.  She understood that even though I was sad, I was still filled with joy because I had hope.  Hope does not dissappoint. 

This is the outfit I bought Bunnin shortly after hearing of his unexpected arrival.  (We don't actually know this baby's gender, we assume boy becuase that's what our intuition says).  We buy each baby an outfit as soon as I learn they are coming.  It's their very own special gift, just for them from us.  This outfit will be packed away in a special box with the others.  

Hello Bunnin, it is so nice to meet you.

Goodbye Bunnin, I wish I could have held you, kissed you, whispered to you, nursed you.  I wish you could have been held by your daddy.  He makes everyone smile and I know you would have loved playing with him.  I wish you could have met Am, she will be the best big sister a little one could know.  Bunnin, I know you are having fun playing with our other babies, your great grandparents, and some cousins.  We will be there soon, we love you. 

I leave you with this, the verse inside the card my mom sent me. 



Loving in Anger

Anyone who says to me that hundreds of years ago women miscarried and never knew it is well... rediculous.  They knew it, they just didn't have a pee stick to prove it. 

Post-pregnancy hormonal changes, although nothing compared to that of a longer pregnancy or fullterm delivery are still much much different than normal PMS.  Atleast for me. 

The past 3 weeks have been one crazy roller coaster and I have to say that today, amidst the cramps and everything else...I'm so thankful to be heading back into my regular cycle and not feeling so irritable and angry all th time. 

Which brings me to this post.  I have been extremely irritable (to put it nicely) for weeks.  weeks.  My poor husband can hardly look at me without me making a horribly rude or snide remark. 

Last Wednesday I mentioned to you that God was really talking to me about loving people, all the way, for real, which during extreme irritability is really hard for me.  And now, post extreme irritability, this is hard to write.  Because I'm not angry, so I'm having a hard time remembering what I was even angry about.  What I do know is that none of this anger was righteous, holy, Godly... nope... just dumb stupid angry.

What wasn't helping was that I had been really withdrawing myself from people, life, and even God during the past few weeks.  I didn't want to anything to do with most people, I just wanted to be regular and I knew that I wasn't, so I hid myself so I could pretend.  But the worst part was that I had even stopped spending time with God, and was starting to ignore talking to him aswell... which doesn't help a girl who needs to control her anger. 

So, When I pictured God's love, I realized that he loves me still - even when I act like this.  He misses me still - even when I act like this.  He wants me still - even when I act like this. 

I started a word study of the word Love in the Bible.  It is helpful to have something to study because when I feel like this my brain has a hard time concentrating and thinking deeply.  The first night, the verse I read was the exact same verse PC had preached on on Wednesday night at youth.  I know that that was no coincidence!

The second study I did was from Exodus 15:13 "By your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed.  In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling."

This is so what I needed.  By His unfailing love, HE will lead me to himself.  That is exactly what I needed right then.  In my own strength I couldn't do it, but by his love he will lead me.  It was so liberating, so freeing. 

Not to say that I haven't still been fighting my attitude and my irritibility, but talking to God, listening for his voice, heeding his warnings (and keeping my mouth shut) has helped immensely! 

I know he's not anywhere near done with me, but I'm thankful that I can see this phase coming to an end. 

Loving and Living

I'm just gonna be really real here.  If you haven't noticed yet, the past few weeks have been hard.  I'm usually a joyful and upbeat person and on the outside I mostly have been still... but on the inside I was living a little on the self pity side. 

I really hate pity.  I hate pitying people because I don't want to be pitied.  Thus, I hate it when people pity me.  And when I pity myself, I really hate it.

So, pity has turned to guilt, to frustration, to anger...etc. etc. etc.

Which brings me to here, now, tonight.  As a youth sponsor in our youth group I have the great privilege of being privy to sermons meant for the teenagers.  And as a youth sponsor for 6 yrs now, I would have to say that every Wed. night something speaks directly to me.  And tonight was no different.

For goodness sakes, I'm bad at repeating things I've heard.  But the gist of tonight's message was what will be said about you when you're gone.  Essentially, Am I living the life that God would want me to live?

And all I can think is that these past few weeks I have been so absorbed into myself that I haven't even been loving God. 

So tonight kicks off my mission to love God and in doing that learning to love others, because you can't love God without loving others.  That's the whole of who God is; Love. 

So here is how I loved today: 
After service I bought a candy bar.  My husband asked me for a bite and I gave him... the look.  Then he said "you're supposed to say 'sure honey, I love you".  And my head said "Love!"  So I offered him the whole candy bar, joyfully for real - with a smile on my face.  (thankfully, my extra loving husband only took 1 bite, but I still offered and would not have been upset had he accepted).

I know that that is really small, and really dumb.  But my love meter has been so low...so very low... that I haven't been showing love to anybody.  And that's pathetic. 

John 3:16 (Amplified)
⁶For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten (^[a]unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life.

Now that's something worth living for, someone who would give up his only son so that we could have life forever with him in heaven.

The Only Child Parent

Situation 1

Two of my good friends had their babies last Friday and I could not be happier for them!  It totally made my day to get two sets of such awesome news within hours of each other. 

I was texting with one of them this afternoon and she mentioned how her older child is having to get a little less "mommy time" now that the new baby has arrived.  I tried to think up something helpful to say, but I realized, I didn't have any advice for her.  I lamely replied "I'm sure you guys will figure it out soon."  But I've got nothing in the way of advice for more than 1 kid. 

Situation 2

Yesterday we had our neighbor friend over to play.  She is the youngest of 4 kids and precisely my daughter's age.  I was so excited because Am and her usually play for hours and I had alot to get done.  But for whatever reason my daughter was in a mood yesterday and as excited as she was to have her friend over she only wanted to play by herself.  Her poor friend, after just an hour, decided she wanted to go home and I wasn't sure what to do except to walk her across the street to her house.  I apologized to her mom and asked Am to apologize to her friend. 

My daughter doesn't have other playmates in the house.  She plays by herself alot and has gotten rather good at it.  To top it off, when she does have a playmate it's Mom, Dad, or Grandma... and we let her tell us what to play.  So as friendly and outgoing as she is, she hasn't learned to play well with other children. 

Somehow, I'm going to have to figure out a way to change this...

Scenario made difficult by our decision to homeschool. 

Brutally Honest....

I'm just going to be honest here.  Blogging these past few weeks has been hard.  Besides the few "good" days I've had, the majority have flown by in a haze of 'what's going on?' 

I keep battling in my mind whether or not to post all of the posts I've written from before, during and after my pregnancy a few weeks ago.  I just need to know that if I post that much vulnerability, there has to be a purpose in it.

I saw a friend of mine last night and she asked how my week was.  To be honest, I can't remember much of what happened last week.  I can't remember much of what has happened in the past 3 weeks.  It takes a lot of brain power to go back there for me, and when I do - ugh - it just stirs emotions in me that I'm not sure I'm ready to feel. 

I've cried.  Not as much as I would have liked, but I've cried.  Maybe allowing myself to cry more would have helped more.  But I feel guilty feeling sad, especially when I'm also filled with so much hope.  My whole being is in constant conflict and its making me so tired.

I'm trying to go back to my normal life, but find that most days I'm failing miserably.  Last night I made dinner again, did a load of dishes while it cooked, and remembered to ask my husband to switch over the laundry.  Pretty good for the weeks I've been having.  One more thing, each day.  I need to remind myself to keep my goals small. 

Defeat is looming over my head, and giving in would be, oh, so easy. 

But I am not defined by my circumstance.  My full definition is in Christ, and he sees the bigger picture. 

*In the next few days, at the encouragement of my husband, you will probably begin seeing some posts from my recent pregnancy and miscarriage. *

I Won!!

I don't tend to win things.  I don't think most people tend to win things, it just sort of happens.

 But here was an opportunity I could NOT pass up!  And to think, I could up my chances of winning to over 50:50 just by being a facebook postaholic... which I obviously am.

I recently was directed by my good friend over at Parenting God's Children to check out a couple of blogs she'd found that have to do with infertility. 

I was elated... seriously, beyond excited to find Life, Loss, and Other Things Worth Mentioning
This is a mom who is also dealing with recurrent miscarriage and secondary infertility!  Woohoo!!  Well, not really, but you get my point.  Someone with my scenario... her blog posts make perfect sense to me!

Today's first post is about me.. winning :)

So anyway, she posted a giveaway.  for The Organic Fertility Bible.  And I jumped at the chance! 

I did everything I could to enter!  and I WON!!!  So, I'm gleefully expecting my Organic Fertility Bible e-book soon.  YEA!

congrats to me :)  I'll spill all my new found knowledge on you when I'm done reading it!