7 weeks pregnant

I can't believe I'm here.  Still pregnant at 7 weeks.  Although this is not the furthest a pregnancy has gone and then miscarried for me - it is still much further than all but 1. 

Which gives me hope, lots and lots of hope.

I still have this fear in my head though, what if?

What if this one doesn't make it? 

What if the ultrasound doesn't show a heartbeat? 

What if I start to miscarry at youth encounter next weekend or my friend's wedding the following? (and none of these people even know I'm pregnant)

What if there is something wrong with this baby?

What if I get my heart broken again?

But you see - what is hope if it is in things I am certain of?  Well, that is not hope at all - that's knowledge. 

Trusting God these past few weeks has been especially hard, and to be brutally honest - I've ignored him more than anything. 

Infact, I've forgotten that I'm pregnant most days, other than those few moments when I have to take my Welcome Womb (nasty, nasty stuff) or progesterone, or vitamins - or when a good friend calls just to see how I'm holding up. 

I hate that I've disconnected myself but connecting myself right now - although I love this child with all that I am - is not what I can handle. 

I have too much to do, too much to handle to consider the weight of losing a baby right now.  And no time to grieve, so I choose to ignore. 

And if this child finds his or her way to heaven before I have a chance to meet them face to face, I will grieve - if the time comes.

 (maybe a little too much Cinderella for me, but every time I see "if" italicized I think of Lady Tremaine saying  "If you can get your work done and If you can find something suitable to wear" and then explaining to her daughters... "of course I said "If")

As my mother so often said "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."  Hopefully this road does not take me to that bridge, but right now - I still don't know.

I read this verse on a friend's blog last night - and found that as fitting as it was for her, it fits here as well. 

“For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”

Romans 8:22-25