6 weeks 4 days pregnant

This post won't be posted until well past this date.  But I can't help but desire an outlet for all that is going through my mind at 10:21pm on this Thursday evening. 

I have surpassed 6 weeks pregnant, a huge milestone for me, and am 4 days in.  I look forward especially to surpassing 7 weeks 5 days ( a little over a week away.)

This pregnancy has been a whirlwind.  Unexpected, and ultimately not expected to make it I took a last resort and began taking Welcome Womb the day after I found out I was expecting again.  Around 5 weeks I began to feel the symptoms of queezyness and they have slowly progressed. 

At 6 weeks I ventured to my Mom and Dad's home 12 hrs south of us, for some time to just sit and enjoy their company.  My trip is nearly over and it hardly feels as if it's begun.  Day 1 my beautiful daughter ran a temp of 103.9 for the majority of the day, Day 2 my mom was sick with a fever and all through out I've been battling a constant feeling of nauseousness and general exhaustion (which makes me happy).

Today I experienced cramping most of the evening.  I know this happened with Am, but there is no amount of reasoning that can make my mind satisfied that this pregnancy is still going strong.  I keep hoping, keep praying, keep resting all of this in God's hands. 

I don't know that there is a moment I'm not thinking about the baby, and a moment when I'm not praying for this oh so fragile life to continue its creation. 

I realized today that I did not adequately prepare for this trip and will soon run out of Welcome Womb.  I ran my husband all over town at 8:30 pm to find a place that would overnight me my tincture for a decent price and in the end purchased another set online, set to arrive Sat. morning.  Hopefully in time. 

Once again, everything rests in God's hands. 

I look forward to the day when we can pick out baby names, and  I can register on baby center, target, and for cloth diapers.  I long for the moment when I can joyously exclaim for all 400+ facebook friends to see that I am FINALLY expecting a baby in May! 

But right now I hold tight to this child.  I wait, and wait.  My daughter is thoroughly excited, looking forward to a new baby brother or sister (she say's sister).  I run a few names through my head and hope that I have an opportunity to voice them to my husband in anticipation. 

October 11 I have a second ultrasound set up.  Our first was the day before i left for this trip and we saw exactly what you'd expect at 5weeks 5days pregnant, a yolk sac.  Not much - but enough to know things were moving smoothly. 

Part of my longs for an ultrasound today to know that all these cramps are signs of a growing uterus and not signs of impending miscarriage. 

I want life to flow from my womb.  Living breathing beautiful kissable, life.  The kind that makes your soul rejoice.

Tonight I lay in bed for a few moments and longed for heaven.  Where I was surrounded by all my children, there was no distress, no illness, no disease, no concern.  We worship God with a holy abandon and find ourselves in complete fullness of his love. 

I have no other source of strength but him right now.  No amount of rest, medicine, sickness brings me peace as he does. 

No matter the outcome he is my strength.