Even Now...

It's been so long since I've written... and if you're counting the weeks, you probably know where this is headed. 

On Sunday I will reach my 11th week of pregnancy.  Can I just say it here and now:

HALLELUJAH!  AHHHH!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!! OH MY GOSH!!! AHHHH!!!! 

That's what my heart wants to scream, but my head holds me back...  Don't get your hopes up.  Its not 12 weeks yet.  Things can happen.

Yet, I know, that even now... if something happens...  my life has been forever changed by this little one who grows inside of me.  His first heartbeat connected with mine, and the second just solidified my love. 

I don't know where I fit now with infertility.  Because I'm having a baby.

(OH MY GOSH, I'M HAVING A BABY!!!) - sorry, I keep having those moments.

But now, I feel like, the people (most of who don't know me) whose blogs I have followed and whose own stories I have cried over...

Where do I fit with them?  I love them.  I feel like we're friends, because we've become attached by this unwanted, unexpected frustration that has consumed our lives - infertility. 

But now...  am I still infertile?  Will I ever even know again? 

I don't know.  I don't actually have any answers. 

but I do know, that when I read my friends' stories, when I see their posts - my heart still hurts.  I want to fix it for them, and so often I just don't have any words.  Because really, no words can make it better. 

We all just want it to go away. 

So to my friends, I am so sorry.  I wish it would all just stop and we could all celebrate together.  I wish that I had an answer as to why it worked for me, but I don't.  I don't know how I got pregnant - or why I stayed pregnant.  I wish that I could take my daughter's magic wand and wave it over you and you'd be horribly sick and your belly would pop out.  But I can't... her magic wand is really just an old baby rattle.

But I can pray with you, and you can know that I am and I will.

I will never stop praying with you.