Anxiety

I've noticed I've been having anxiety about pregnancy at wierd times.  For instance, while visiting my parents my mom wanted to take me shopping for maternity shirts.  I didn't really want to since I'm already nervous about this pregnancy the last thing I want is to be reminded that I'm not pregnant with maternity clothes floating around my house.  But I went, she was adamant.

As we walked up to the maternity section in the department store though, I panicked.  My breathing got hard and I started shaking.  I saw that woman in the pictures with her big beautiful tummy and realized that this is so opposite of all that I've done for the past two years.  Outside of work I have done most everything I can to avoid looking at pregnant women, and here I am now - acting like one of them, picking out clothes to wear when I get bigger. 

Then yesterday when I was on the phone with my friend I started crying when I thought about the very idea that I even am pregnant.  I've become very good at knowing I'm pregnant and yet not relating myself to the idea.  Almost like I'm in denial, but not because I don't want to be pregnant but because I don't want to not be again.   So, I can talk about my pregnancy, but when I think about being pregnant - having a child growing inside of me - I cry, friek out, experience those moments of deep loss and I haven't even lossed yet.

I'm looking forward to the day when this anxiety can be replaced with great joy.