An Attainable Goal

It was Christmas Eve this year and I found myself in a quandary.  I was questioning my decision to post a picture of my three beautiful children dressed in matching pajamas on to Facebook.  Just three weeks earlier I had spoken to a room of a 100 women about family traditions and out of the whole thing all I could remember was that I had essentially said - we don't have an Elf of the Shelf.  We don't talk about Santa and we don't wear matching PJ's on Christmas Eve.  Honestly, that generally had been true, up until that point.

Just because it is so cute, you need to see if for yourself.

Within a week of the Ladies Brunch we had an Elf on the Shelf (courtesy of "Santa" - you know, the one we don't talk about).  And here we were on Christmas Eve and I was lining up my little munchkins in front of my Mom's Christmas tree dressed in identical pajamas (honestly, it was a fantastic sale and a strike of luck that they had my kids' sizes... luck, or a little bit of humility from the Lord?)  To make matters worse on the "I'm a complete hypocrite scale," I knew that by morning my three year old would be convinced that Santa was in fact real; because I had carefully selected and wrapped a brand new soccer ball to be placed under the tree - the only thing she wanted for Christmas from Santa.  

I was really feeling low.  It was about the middle of the Christmas Eve movie that my kids were exhausted and ready for bed.  But I really really wanted to watch Elf (because you know... selfish.)  There was whining, complaining, lots and lots of wriggling.  It wasn't much fun.  It was kind of ruining the movie.  So we tried to put the kids to bed, but they weren't falling asleep fast enough.  

Somewhere in there I said something ridiculous.  It might have sounded something like "Christmas is never about moms.  Christmas is always about the kids."  

A far cry from my line three weeks prior, "Christmas is always about Jesus."  

Let's be honest.  I wasn't in a good place.  Somehow all of it - the hub bub, the holly jolly, the Santa - It had sucked me in.  My contentedness had been stripped and replaced by a mystical idea that Christmas should be all about me and since I knew it wouldn't be I was mad about it.

How did this happen?

I'm not really sure how it happened.  I'm not even exactly sure what happened.  

But I found myself crying, wondering if I had ruined my kids' lives, or at the very least their Christmas (of which, I did neither, they're okay - thankfully).  

Here we are two days left in this year, and I'm still wondering what went wrong last week.  I'm trying to make plans and goals - wondering what God's vision is for our lives in this coming year, and I keep coming back to this lesson learned.  

No matter the day, the week, the month, the season - something will always be vying to strip my attention from the King of all Kings.  No matter how grounded I thought I was - there is still an enemy out there seeking to destroy my soul, my day, my week - my Christmas.  

Christmas is a beautiful holiday.  A celebration of the birth of the Savior who brought salvation to all the world.  That when the world harbors evil all around we can have joy and peace within because of his great sacrifice.  

~My goal is to seek the Lord.~

Psalm 27:8 "My hearts says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek.

This week has been profound for my heart.  I haven't sought the Lord like I wish I would have.  But God has still been speaking to me, etching his words onto my heart.  Reminding me of who he his, and who I can be - no, who I am - in him.  

This year, when all the pressures and stresses overwhelm you - take it down to this simple truth.  

Seek the Lord.  

Be blessed my friends,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  

Brie

6 months with Doron

Tomorrow (or today if you're reading this on the 18th) we mark 6 months with our sweet little boy.  A journey I could never have imagined to be as wild, as wonderful, and as marked with God's glory as it has been.

A little boy who came into our lives with joy and laughter and beauty.

Those are from our Family Day on May, 18, 2015.    Funny, then I thought he was just calm cool and collected.  Now I can see his concerned little face, confused by the surroundings but happy to have candy.  The kid will do anything for candy.

Just a few pics from our first summer together.  Man, I can't wait to see what the rest of our lives have in store for this family!

Orphan Sunday is this Sunday!

November 8 is Orphan Sunday!

Churches all across the world will be recognizing Orphan Sunday this year.  I highly encourage you to find a church near you and get involved!

If you are in the Quad Cities IA/IL area you can visit us at First Assembly of God Church, 1811 18th Street, Bettendorf, IA at 9:00am or 10:45am.  We will be collecting Journey Bags for children entering foster care in Scott County.

To put together a Journey Bag bring a new backpack with 1 item inside.  This item can be a toy, pajamas, warm blanket, stuffed animal, game - any item that can be just for this child.  Many children when placed in foster care are taken from their home with very little to call their own.  They often do not even have a backpack for their items.  This Journey Bag will be only theirs.  The gift inside is just for them; a tangible way we can touch their lives and let them know people care about them.  You can choose to make a journey bag for a boy or a girl and any age.  If you would like to participate you can private message me on Facebook.

Visit The Forgotten Initiative website for more information on how you can make a difference for those in the Foster Care community!


And check out the Orphan Sunday website to find a church near you and to find out how you can get involved on Orphan Sunday!

Be Blessed,
Brie

5 Ways You Can Support An Adoptive/Foster Family

When a family you know adopts a child it can seem like there are a lot of new "rules" on how to interact with them.  You know that they are bringing home a new child and you know they need their space - but you want to help them out.  You might wonder how, or what, you can do for them while still allowing them to bond as a family.

The same goes for foster parents!  Foster families are often times going through similar struggles or even more difficult struggles than adoptive families.  They need help and support from their community as well!

Here are 5 ways you can support a foster or adoptive family.

1. Send them a "family night" box.

             This could include a movie or game, gift certificates for pizza (enough to feed their whole         family), popcorn, and cookies.

2. Call them up and tell them you will be bringing them a meal on ______night.

            If someone says "Let me know when I can bring you a meal."  My response is going to be "Thanks!" but I'm pretty sure I won't ever call and ask for that meal.  Pride can be a hard thing to get over.  On the other hand, offering a meal that night at 5pm might mean they've already prepared something else...  If you prepare in advance for them or bring them over a freezer meal for later, that goes a long way for making a huge difference for some tired parents.  

3.  Better yet...set up a meal train for families who have just brought home an adoptive child or are bringing a new foster child into their family!  Much like bringing home a new baby (and sometimes dare I say...more difficult?) bringing a new child into your family can be hard on everyone making dinners difficult for several weeks!  Help a family out by offering to be the coordinator of a meal train and make sure they are set for a long time!

4.  Offer to mow their lawn  or shovel their snow!  If yardwork isn't your thing offer to wash and fold their laundry or do their dishes!  This idea came when I asked the question in a Facebook group I am in for adoptive families.  When bringing home a new child it can be so overwhelming and difficult.  Relieving an added stress (like yardwork or housework) that takes away from much needed family time would be so welcome to a family.  Much like a meal train offering to mow their lawn for a month or two or setting up a laundry service for them for a month or two (or six) would make a huge difference and be very appreciated!

5.  Have lots and lots of grace for a newly adoptive family.  If they suddenly don't make it to an event where they were expected, most likely they just couldn't come - for their new child and their new family.  If they don't want you to hold their child for a long time, respect that.  The bonding process is a long one and a two year old born raised in a different environment is not like one raised in your home since birth.  Everything is new and unknown, and in that their family is new and unknown.  With the instability they have already faced they may wonder just who is the next family they are going to.  The newly adoptive family's avoidance of big public events isn't because of you it is for their child.  If they don't discipline the way you think they should, understand this new territory. We don't understand our child's history and discipline just simply can't be the same way it would be with a biological child.  Lots of grace and lots of patience go a long way to help a family.

Also - check out this great article by No Hands But Ours Three Ways The Church Can Support Adoptive Families

Be Blessed,
Brie

National Adoption Month!

I am so excited that November is here!  Thanksgiving, Christmas, Family, Food... and it is National Adoption Month!

Last year we spent this month anxiously awaiting our trip to China!  We knew Doron would be ours but there were so many unknowns surrounding when and how.  Here we are, home almost 6 months and Doron is doing great.  We have some bumpy days, to put it mildy but right now as I type this Aaron and Doron and laughing and giggling.  If you have heard our son's giggle, you know, it is contagious and adorable.

To start off National Adoption Month I want to encourage you to seek out organizations that promote and aid adoptions and also ways that you can make a difference in the foster and adoption community.

I am going to do my best (pending kids and holidays) to promote ways you can help the adoption community all month long!  This may mean sharing links to other posts, but I encourage you to please check them out.  They are all a valuable resource and can help you make a difference in a child's or a family's life.

Today I'm going to send you over to Holt International's Blog Top 5 Myths About Special Needs Adoption.

Blessings,
Brie

Homeschooling Honesty.

All day I've had these ideas of what I could blog about, none of them overtly inspirational or positive.

 Earlier this week I found myself so overwhelmed with the weight of homeschooling.  The responsibility of homeschooling.  All the questions came flooding over me.  What am I doing?  Is this really the right thing for our family?  Am I supposed to be doing this?  Is it supposed to be this hard?  Will she ever learn diligence and good work ethic and how to make and stick to a schedule?  Will she be educated enough to go to college?  Be a doctor or a chemist?  Will I have succeeded in educating her to be whatever she wants to be?

And then all those things that I hold over my head came rushing back.  I'm not very organized (I used to be, but not anymore.  Not with three kids).  I'm not very diligent.  I don't have a good work ethic.  I hate doing the dishes.  and the laundry. And I don't like to clean.  {This is where my mom would say she didn't do a good job teaching me, but it isn't that at all.}

All of the sudden I realized that if I screw up at home, there won't be a school either to pick up my broken pieces and teach my children what it means to turn in an assignment on time and completed.  There won't ever by bells and time constraints.  There won't ever by deadlines or directional plotting to make sure you can make it to your locker, the bathroom, and your class on the fourth floor in 3 very short minutes.

And it weighed on me.  All of it.  All week.  All week as we barely got our school work accomplished while I snuggled a healing boy, tried to keep him calm but the other two busy.  A difficult week when I tried so hard to show my struggling three year old just how important she is, but I hurt the way her eyes say she feels looked over.

Today I sat in the ballet waiting area, unshowered with pony-tailed hair, my eyes revealing my weariness,  I turned to the seasoned mom next to me and asked "Do you ever feel like 'what am I doing??"  Her response was just what a weary mom needed.  "Oh yah, all the time.  I've felt like that since the beginning."  -- solidarity.

We got in the car and drove home.  As Amariss belted out the sound of music and Doron somehow fell asleep through it all, I drifted in my own thoughts.  I saw a man on a corner, holding two different sodas in each hand, waiting for the lights to change.  And I thought briefly "I wish I could just sit on the couch and drink two different sodas and binge watch Netflix for like 2 days."  But then I shook my head, no, not really.  I would want to clean the house first... and by the time I finished that I would want to be with my kids again.

But I reminded myself of why we're in this.  Why we homeschool.  Public schools are great, I think they have fantastic teachers who work so hard to make a difference in the lives of kids.  I'm so thankful for all the friends I have who pour so much of themselves into teaching little ones.  I cannot imagine how difficult this is.

I just read through our vision statement.  We wrote this before we started homeschooling Am in Kindergarten.  And I don't know that I have read it since.  But another seasoned homeschool mom told me 'Write out a vision statement and read it often, because you will need to remember why you are doing this'.  Despite all of Am's advancements and achievements just in this past quarter of school, the hard days make you want to throw it all away in an instant.  And while I haven't read our vision statement in 3 years, I can see that by reading it we are still holding to it.  And I am so thankful for that.

I am so thankful that this really hard job of educating our children is worth it.  I am so thankful that on really hard days, really hard weeks, and sometimes really hard months; there is still purpose in all of this.  And I am thankful that for this time and this season, God has shown us time and time again that we are doing what he has called us to do right now.

Blessings my friends.

Brie

Orphan Sunday

I originally sat down here to update you all on our family.  What has happened in the last 6 weeks, what has changed, what hasn't.  But as I sat down and got lost in the perusing of other blogs, one thing became clear to me.

This journey of life we are all on isn't all about me.  It's about the love of Jesus Christ, the heart he has for hurting people.  There is a desperation within all of us for something more, something deeper than just being.  Why are we here?  What is my purpose?  These questions plague so many and without the hope of Jesus these questions remain unanswered.  We will always feel void, always feel empty.

Lately my heart has been turned most deeply towards foster care.  The foster care system in my city, and all of those around.  I have found myself connected with people in strange ways whose heart has also been turned towards the same call.  I find myself here as a mama (a very tired and busy mama), juggling my three precious babies and aching to know why is it that babies and children cannot have safe and loving homes to grow up in.

Last year my husband and I introduced Orphan Sunday at our church.  With just one week preparation before the day we were able to print our pamphlets of information for ways for people to get involved in their community.  But that first step is always the hardest one.

Here we are, almost October, and Orphan Sunday is coming up on November 8, 2015.  Now, do you have to wait for a special sunday once a year to make a difference for a child in need of a home?

ABSOLUTEY NOT!  Please, please please... do not take this as a cry for one day awareness.  But one focused day of awareness might spark a small change that can turn to a bigger change and a bigger change and a bigger change until there are no more children in need of families.  Until there are no more little ones longing for a safe house to sleep in tonight.

James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after widows and orphans in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

www.orphansunday.org
www.lifesongfororphans.org
www.cafo.org
www.hopefororphans.org

How Will They Remember Me?

The other day Doron had an owie on his toe.  It was tiny, but toddler worthy of a bandaid. You know, a toddler can convince you to put a bandaid on a scar...

I scooped my little boy up, wrapped him in my arms, consoled him with all the words of affirmation he was looking for, settled him into the bathroom with a hug, applied neosporin, and lovingly wrapped that bandaid around his toe.  I figured the bandaid would stay on for about 2 minutes but the love he felt from me caring would last all day.

As I did this, I felt like a really good mom.  I thought, this is how I want to be remembered by my kids.  And I thought about all the great memories I have of my mom.  How she would sit in the kitchen and eat grapes and listen to Dr. Dobson every day at 11:30am.  And how on her days off she would fold laundry and bake cookies and meet us at the door with a smile and a hug.  In the summer she would sit on the porch swing and watch us play while drinking iced tea in our plastic blue cups.  She would sit at the piano and play hymns and sing and tell us that she really wasn't that good at playing piano - but she was always better than me.

And that's how I want my kids to remember me.  To have a bank in their mind full of great memories of a mom that loved them and love to be with them.  My mom never had a phone in her hand, because ours was still attached to the wall and other than talking, you couldn't do anything cool with it.  Even now my mom really only uses her phone to talk to people, sometimes text.  We always knew that when mom was talking to us, she was really talking to us.  There was no wondering if she was preoccupied with another conversation on the side.  She wasn't always looking at her phone.  When she helped us with homework she helped us with homework.  When she stayed up until midnight waiting for us to be home by curfew and then chatted for another hour afterwards - she was really present, tired but present.

I want to be present for my kids.

Contrast my vision of awesomeness with a little reality check.  Yesterday morning my adorably grown up seven year old cooked scrambled eggs and pancakes for everyone once again (frozen pancakes, toaster oven reheated).  She said "I'm the mom!" I laughed and questioned "Oh, what am I then?" her reply stung, but you can't get hurt by childhood honesty - she replied "You're the kid that's always on your phone."

And is it true? kind of.  Am I doing something important on my phone?  maybe.  Am I conversing with a friend?  probably.  Do my children know that they are still the most important thing in my life?  I don't think so.  Not when my phone is always around.  Not when I don't look at them while they are talking to me.  Not when they don't know what I'm doing on my phone, but it must be important since I'm always looking at it.

Hmmmm, do I need to throw my phone away?  No.  But when I sit down and have a big long talk with my girls about active listening, I have to ask myself  'Am I actively listening to others?  Or have my children gained their poor listening and poor communication skills from a lifetime of watching me?'

Food for thought tonight.  It is pretty funny how a year and a half ago, before I got my first smart phone, this never would have even been an issue.  My phone had no value then other than talking and reading a text here and there.

Now, I have to learn how to break all of the bad habits - and protect my family.

Expectations

Sometimes the Lord brews something in my spirit for a really long time.  I feel like he is wanting me to write about it but time and life keep it at bay because I am not given the opportunity to sit and explore his leading.  And then as I wait - days, weeks, sometimes months - to speak what I feel he is calling me to, I am reminded that this word is for me and my life, and sharing it with others is a by-product, or an added bonus.

It has been years in the making that God has been refining my spirit to teach me something I just didn't want to be teachable in.  [This morning Aaron said "honey, you might need to have a teachable spirit in this" and I replied "but I don't WANT to have a teachable spirit in this...]  Aren't we all a little like that sometimes?  I'm pretty sure it has been years that my husband and my mom have been saying this exact same thing.  But it was a few months ago that it hit me in a most unique way.

A good friend offered to take our family pictures.  And the week before was crazy, but in the back of my mind I had our outfit plans running around my mind.  I wanted us to coordinate and look so awesome; "wall perfect".  You know the Pinterest pictures with families that match and smile and just look like they could be in a issue of Better Homes & Gardens...

But it was the night before and I had told my girls "This is one of the few days of the year that I require you to wear what I pick out." and they were okay with that (strangely).  And as the children slept and I lamented whether or not the clothes really matched and I looked around my house it hit me - this is not us.

We don't match, ever.  My girls cycle through the same few dresses every day.  Their hairs aren't always in place, their smiles aren't always perfect.  And I am not raising models.

I decided at that point that all I really wanted were pictures that reflected who we really were.  A mismatched, a little bit messy, and very happy family.  My expectations instantly changed that family pictures would involve laughing, smiling, enjoying ourselves and each other and capturing the way we live our lives.   My biggest goal was that my children enjoyed family pictures.

And that was how the door to my heart was opened on my expectations.  As I have let the thought simmer inside my soul for these past several weeks it has slowly been turning over page after page of areas where my expectations have dampened and even ruined an experience.

As I cleaned out a cabinet yesterday I found a piece of paper from when Z was just turned 1 and I had recently miscarried Isaiah.  It listed out what I was doing in a day, and what I expected I should be able to do.  Whoa - I tell you. Right now I am not doing a single one of those "expectations" and am not even accomplishing some of the day to day things from that list.  Talk about lowering your expectations!    

As I have been learning to let go of my expectations, I have had to learn to trust in God's plan in all of this.  My loss of expectations have left me wondering what am I supposed to do?  In the past, I have been a jump in with two feet kind of a girl, an over committer, a great idea let's do it - but I am learning that my timing, my ideas, my expectations can set me up for failure (or feeling like a failure). But resting in God's timing, his ideas and focusing on his next step and plan has never left me failing but always soaring.

Every day is a step in letting go of my expectations of the day.  A long long time ago - like before I met Aaron - I read Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  Even then the Lord was talking to me about my expectations.  I can plan my course, but in the end God still determines how it may come to be.  In the end, God's plan and purposes will be accomplished.

God is still speaking and brewing this in me.  I still have so much to understand in this whole area and I know that my words may seem like they are lacking a little bit.  I know that, I'm still trying to figure all of this out as well.

Anyone else feel like their expectations have hurt a moment rather than helped it?

Mixed Medias and Non-Newtonian Fluids

This was a difficult week.  I find it incredibly frustrating that you can have 5 great days and 1 rough one and it feels like you are ready to throw in the towel and that it takes 3 more days to pull yourself out of the rut.  It is easy to forget all the good when you are knee deep in muck.

I took today as a rejuvenation day.  I didn't worry about the laundry or the dishes, or the miriad of responsibilities I sometimes fail.  Today was about enjoying the day and enjoying my kids.  We started with crafts outside working with different mediums. We made pictures from pencil, marker, beads, and construction paper.  (I don't have pictures because I was making pictures too!  When I am trying to operate a camera I spend too much time trying to capture the perfect picture and not enough time experiencing life with my children.  A picture or two that captures moments similar to these will spark a lifetime of memories.)

After crafting and playing and messes and a lunch only one child enjoyed... The littles were down for naps, the big was settled with a book.  I had about 20 minutes to get half of a project finished and D woke up.  Every once in awhile he'll take a great nap, usually I can bank on 45min-1hr followed by 30-40 minutes of hysterical crying.  I don't know what it is that wakes him up, or what it is that makes him scream for so long but I wish I did.  It is his hard time of day.  After the crying ends there is cuddling, rocking, or strollering for another 30 minutes... and then he is ready for a snack.  By then Z wakes up...  I haven't yet been able to accomplish anything during naptime.  And it has become quite clear that we won't be able to use naptime for school time anymore.  Although I am presuming the we could possibly still do most of our work in the morning and allow naptime for seatwork...

I am being completely honest when I say that I am nervous about home schooling this year.  Kind of like when we first started with Kindergarten and I had a one year old.  I just took the plunge and said if it was terrible I could send her at semester to public school.  We made it through Kindergarten, and thoroughly enjoyed First Grade.  And here we are entering Second, and another new one in the home and the question looms - 'How am I going to do this??'  But, we will jump in with both feet and give it a go.  My guess is, we'll figure this out too.

After all of our littles were awake today we played with cornstarch and water, a non-Newtonian fluid.  Aaron and I were sitting outside with two littles and a big playing with cornstarch and water, throwing it on the concrete and picking it up to see it liquify again...  It was so much fun.  Again, no pictures.  I love participating!  I love getting messy and having a good time!

I think that we'll be okay with homeschooling this year as long as I stop caring about absolutely everything else.  Anyone want to spend their days doing my laundry and dishes?

In this season....

I struggle so much in this life with doing big, being big. I want to be that person whose ministry is making a difference. I want to make a difference. But these days all I can do is just live. To make it through this day. I can't even organize my thoughts as to what I would do to make a difference, there are just too many needs. And how could I make a difference? I am just one person with no extra time. Actually, I am representative of 5 people with no extra time. (And I just spilled milk on my jeans.) I have to remind myself regularly that I cannot do all things.  I must do what I can do; well. Raising my kids. Supporting my husband. Fulfilling our call to expand our family through adoption. Homeschooling. Youth ministry. There it is; my plate is full. I can do those things well right now, with God's help. 

I wrote in my daughter's journal this morning that we go through seasons of our lives. There is a season for working, volunteering, creating, but this season right here is for loving and raising these babies. And that is a good thing. It isn't an easy season, it's the kind that earns you time alone when your husband gets home from work because you called him near tears with both toddlers screaming at you; demanding all of you at the exact same time.  It is the kind of season that breeds lots of laughter and silly faces and funny games. It is the season when you teach a two year old and a three year old that they have to share, and you teach a seven year old just how valuable and important she is even though her world is overrun with irrational siblings. It is the kind of season when you laugh and you cry; when you change more poopy diapers than you ever thought possible in a 2 hr time span. It is a hard and wonderful season and it may not feel like I'm doing anything big or changing the world, but I am changing their world so that they can do 


big too.

 I am in a season of multiplication and it is hard but good. Someday, someday... Someday there will be time for sitting and painting and praying and changing the lives of others outside of this tight knit little circle I live in, but not quite yet. A reminder from my devotions today Luke 16:10 “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.”
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I can be faithful with these littles right now.

Is this what we call normal?

Yes, I think our lives are finally slipping into "normal".  I wouldn't say that normal is always easy, but it is good to be here.  Normal means that the transitional things we have noticed with Doron have either ceased or we now can expect them and work through them.

Doron has handled our transition back to church remarkably well and we are now in the process of transitioning back into youth ministry as adult leaders (our church has a youth pastor and several other adult leaders).  This is still a bit tricky as we both have our life groups to work with and Doron cannot be without one of us in the nursery.  Last week he handled life group "ok" and needed to go to the nursery during worship, so Aaron took nursery duty.  Not sure if we will switch tonight or if Aaron will go again.  After a long day at work Doron isn't much for leaving Aaron's side at night.

Aaron is still Doron's favorite but I get plenty of hugs, kisses and snuggles during the day too.  Last night Aaron had had all three kids at his mom's house while I took a webinar.  When they got home Doron yelled "Mama!" and ran up to me with his arms wide open.  It was so sweet!

As Doron has gotten more comfortable with us we are seeing more of his little personality coming out.  No longer is he quiet and timid but he has a lot to say and often we call his little language his Mandrish.  We can tell he is trying to say something in English but it sounds like it is probably partly Mandarin.  He has become a daring little boy who tests his limits with climbing ladders and chairs and trying to ride his sister's big bikes and his little (but still too big for him) bike; laughing the whole time.  He is quick to smile and a tickle will bring on a fit of giggles that makes you never want to stop tickling him.  He likes to be thrown by Daddy high up in the air and smiles a giant smile every time.

He is also a little stinker who will sometimes hit or bite his big sister, Zizi.  Sadly, its usually her who gets hit or bit.  She is still taking it well, although she did go through a phase when if he came near her she would run away screaming.  Mostly the two of them play really well together but there are also days like today when Z does NOT want to share her Mommy and Doron does NOT know what he wants so everybody cries and screams (sometimes Mommy cries too... I try not to scream, that usually makes things worse).  Naptime has finally settled itself out.  Z watches an episode of Octonauts or Clifford... or whatever her favorite show this week is and Doron snuggles up on my shoulder and quickly falls asleep.  Then Z goes down pretty easily too.  I am thankful we found a system.

Am has been so busy this summer playing with her best friend whenever possible.  It seems we hardly see her; just glimpses as they run between houses.  Doron thinks Am's best friend is also one of his sisters and he calls her Jie Jie as well.  It's pretty adorable.

This is an amazing time in  our lives - crazy busy and difficult - but really amazing.

Language, Comprehension, Interaction

Just a little over a week ago Doron had 5 English words; as of yesterday and today I've counted 15!  He is constantly repeating what we say.  Last night Zemirah came into the kitchen and whined an exasperated "oohhh, Why????"  and instantly in the exact tone and volume Doron repeated her, several times over.  Sometimes I'm not certain he's learning the best of manners but he is certainly learning.

Yesterday we were heading out the door for a family outing and I said "Now, where are your shoes?" and he promptly stood up and pointed at his shoe basket.  I replied "Ah yes, but I was wondering about your sandals." He turned around and pointed across the room to where his sandals lay.  I was shocked!  Not only is he mimicking but he is understanding!

He is also interacting!  So far this week Doron has bitten Zemirah once a day.  Not the best of practices, but we have been told that this is a great sign because it means that he is comfortable with us.  So - Yay!  Zemirah is handling it quite well, while she doesn't enjoy being bitten by her brother she is quick to forgive and accepts his hugs and kisses of apology.  I can tell that he feels bad for hurting her after he bites so that is also a good sign.

Am, Z, and Doron have been playing together really really well.  I am actually quite surprised at how well everything has been going at just 2.5 weeks home.  Aaron is working half days now so my mornings are full.  I appreciate having a seven year old so much though.  She is able to keep an eye on Doron for a few minutes at a time while I throw in a load of laundry or quick start a load of dishes.
Naptime is still a struggle.  Doron is taking 30 min - 1 hr naps, which leave him clinging and tired for the rest of the evening.  However, when he sleeps longer bed time can drag on as late as 10:30pm, which doesn't make anyone happy.  I am thankful that Aaron is still around in the afternoons to help me figure out the napping situation with 2 nappers.  I'm also thankful that Zemirah is still a good napper.

While we were in China Z went from being nearly 100% potty trained to "These pull-ups are the coolest thing ever!" and "Look Mom, I can change my own pull-up!"  I haven't yet decided how to retrain her.  Doron is about as potty trained as Z at this point so I'm considering just working with them both at once but before we go there I'd like to get more settled at home with both of them.

Our homeschool curriculum arrived today!  I was very excited to open up the box but found out I'd made a mistake in my order, so I spent about 2 hours of my afternoon trying to figure out if it was easily fixable.  I can work with the mistake I made.  It's not perfect, but it will be fine.  I believe I am going to set our school start date at August 1 (of course, I see now that that's a Saturday) so August 3.  I usually start mid-July but with all the changes in our lives this year, I want to take an extra two weeks of summer break.  I have been requiring Am to do a little bit of school during nap time, she is not a fan.  Hopefully starting up again and getting back into our routine will make things better.  I'm really looking forward to our new curriculum.  We are doing Sonlight this year and it already looks like a great fit for us.  Am has already read a few of the books in our package.

My thoughts are jumbled today.  I started drinking a second cup of coffee at 4 pm but then worried I wouldn't be able to fall asleep at 10pm.  So I have a half cup of coffee sitting in the kitchen.  I gave Doron a sip thinking he would hate coffee (just like the girls) but I was so wrong.  Now I have a very angry toddler that really wants some coffee.  If it's true that coffee stunts your growth we should keep it far far away from our tiny little dude.

Good night folks, enjoy these amazing summer days.  Hopefully no more rain for awhile and we can head back to the parks soon.  :)

Brie

Sleep, Baby, Sleep

The first two nights after Doron joined our family bedtime was a piece of cake.  In every way; it was easy, it was sweet, it was enjoyable.  About the third night though Doron didn't want me anymore.  At first when it came to bedtime he would lay his head on my chest and full out lay on top of me, with his tiny little body.

On night three, he didn't want to be anywhere near me.  Since then, Doron has preferred Daddy.  And by preferred, I mean - he cries like the worst is happening all over again unless Daddy is there to lay him down for naps or bedtime and be there when he wakes up from either.  Even this afternoon when Doron woke up from his nap, I went in to get him and pick him up.  He cried and cried and cried, huge tears, lots of snot - CRYING; knowing that Daddy is headed back to work this week and that we are going to have to figure this thing out I tried to distract him with his favorite snack.  Nothing.. the tears would not stop coming.  Only after going outside and getting Daddy, and being held by Daddy did the crying stop and he ate the snack I was still holding.

Doron loves Daddy.  No doubt about that.  And really, I have no doubt that he loves me too, but for some reason when it comes to sleeping he doesn't trust anyone like he trusts Daddy.  And that's ok, because that's what he needs right now.

Tonight was different though.  For some reason when we were putting Z down to bed, Doron got really jealous of her snuggling me.  Doron wanted Mama.  Since Daddy has only put Z to bed once since we got home from China, I picked up Doron and we cheerfully waved goodbye to everyone and headed downstairs to put Doron to bed.

He was so calm.  I've never seen him so calm at bedtime.  But I sang to him softly all my bedtime songs, twice.  And then we laid down in bed together, like we did the first night we had him.  I took off my glasses and he touched my face and he called me Nai Nai.  It's a small glimpse into his little mind, what all of this must feel like to him.

His Nai Nai is his foster mom.  At 18 months old our son was placed in a foster home for 7 months while we waited to be able to travel and get him.  During this time he bonded really well with his foster mom, I imagine she must have sang to him quite a lot.  She loved him very much.  Nai Nai has long straight hair, similar to mine and sometimes I wonder if I was too similar to her for awhile.  That he had to learn to separate her and I.  Tonight, with my glasses off and half asleep he thought I was Nai Nai and he fell asleep peacefully in my arms.

Our little baby has endured quite a lot in his short life.  It can be hard to understand all that our son has gone through because in all my life I haven't suffered the loss that he has.  I hope and pray that as he grows, we are able to help him fully process and understand his past, his present, and his future.  I pray that God gives him peace as he works out all that he endured.  I know it will be a lifelong journey for him to mourn what was and what will never be, and accept what is and all that can be.

Goodnight friends.

Bringing home Doron

I have to be honest; I love writing but I don't always know how to put my thoughts and feelings into words.  I left off my last post right as we got to Nanjing, our son's birth city and then I pretty much stopped.  It's so hard to know where to go from there because that is the start of the rest of our lives.  I'll be telling this story until I die.  That's kind of an overwhelming thought.

It's hard to really describe the transition our family has gone through in the last 4 weeks.  It doesn't feel like we were landing in Nanjing four weeks ago.  It doesn't feel like the bus window next to my daughter was shattered while we were driving 4 weeks ago.

Or that we met this guy:

But crazy, it totally did!  

We went from a family of 4 to a family of 5 overnight.  But the whole big strange feeling of it all didn't hit until we got home and really were altogether as a family of 5.  In China we were just 4 of us, and Z was represented with a different toddler, but at home we have two toddlers and a big kid and figuring out our new roles has been tricky.  

I anticipated the transition for Doron to be difficult but I didn't anticipate it to feel so strange and forced and first.  In China it felt natural and normal, almost like this was our new forever but Z wasn't there so we knew that it couldn't be.  But since we'd only ever had 1 toddler at a time having 2 was unknown territory.  When we got home falling back into our patterns and roles with Z was easy, we were familiar and comfortable again, but figuring out where Doron fits is still something we are working on.  The first week home it felt like we were babysitting someone else's child.  

I don't like the way that sounds, but it is the only way to describe the awkwardness of coming home.  I want to paint adoption as this beautiful picture of a puzzle falling into place to create a perfect ending but sometimes the pieces don't fit right when you put together a puzzle.  Sometimes you put the wrong piece in a place for awhile until you realize it's not quite right and you have to rearrange.  Maybe that's the best way to describe it.  The first week home was awkward, the second week home has been much better.  

The day Doron was placed in our arms was a whirlwind.  We arrived at the Center for Foreign Related Adoption Services about 9am and had to wait until the doors opened around 9:30.  Just as the doors opened and our guide walked in a car pulled up and out came several women and all of our children.  We were stopped in our tracks wondering if we should follow our guide or get our children from the orphanage staff who had just arrived.  

We had been warned that our reaction on Gotcha Day might not be what we anticipated it would be and I have to be honest, as many times as I had pictured how this day would go - not one idea was what really happened.  As I was taking pictures of another family getting their baby, suddenly Aaron was saying "Gabe, Gabe Gabe!" and I turned around and Doron was already in Aaron's arms - it all happened so fast.  

Our very first picture together

All of our pictures from Gotcha Day and the next day, Adoption Day are super blurry.  Oh well, that is life isn't it?   Doron did so well with us from the very start.  He sat happily in a chair and looked around with curiousity.  He smiled and shared his snacks with us, it was really a wonderful beginning.  

We have spent the last 4 weeks getting to know each other.  It is so strange to think about giving birth to a new baby, all they've ever known is you, but when you bring home a child through adoption they have a whole other world they are familiar with and just as they are new to us, we are new to them.  It is a learning process and not always an easy one.  

There is so much I could write or say about our time in China but most days there is just no way to put into words all that I think and feel.  Sometimes I don't think you want to know what I think and feel!  

I am hoping that I will still be blogging semi-regularly (or as regular as you could call how often I have blogged up until this point), but having 3 kids, two of them toddlers, is more challenging than having 2 - so I make no promises.  

Thank you so much to all of you who have stayed so involved in our journey and have been praying for us all the way through.  You are such a huge blessing to our family.  Please continue to pray for us as we navigate these next few weeks, months, and years.  

Love,

Brie

Adoption Journey: Our trip to China Part 1

We have been home from China for 3 days now and yesterday marked two weeks as a family of five.  There is so much I could write and say, there is so much beautiful and so much perfection and yet his little life is so fragile. 

I've always known from living in the world of infertility and pregnancy loss that suggesting an infertile "just adopt" was about the most taboo thing you could say.  And I respected it, I honored it, even if at the time I didn't quite understand it. 

This past year has been an incredible journey for us full of ups and downs, twists and turns.  There have been moments of anxiety and fear, and moments of joy and hope and purpose.  We read books and watched what felt like endless hours of videos all in preparation of the great unknown of bringing a wounded child into our family.  We prepared ourselves because we knew his heart had been hurt but to what degree we may never know.  The hurts that have filled his tiny life he might not even understand, and if he does he might not ever know how to express.

On the other side of the coin, we entered into this process with excitement and anticipation, but also with trepidation knowing that the journey God was calling us into would be wonderful but difficult.  There would be tears of joy, but many tears of sadness as we try desperately to navigate our little one through a world that to this point has caused him much pain.

Even up to our leaving for China it felt completely surreal.  I would sit and wonder if this was really happening.  As we packed bags, bought gifts, confirmed our flights, prepared and prepared and prepared - I wondered the whole time, were we really about to become parents again?

The night before we were set to leave, at 8 pm - when we were scheduled to fly out at 5:45 the following morning, my phone lit up with a text from our airline that our flight had been cancelled.  They had immediately put us on a different flight to Chicago, effectively missing our flight to Beijing by 1 hour.  We spent the next hour frantically coming up with a plan B, and at 7am the next morning we packed up our minivan and drove to Chicago to catch our flight to Beijing... because living in a small community means cancelling flights just because.

The first 10 months of our journey were easy - difficult because of lots of paperwork, but everything always fit right into place.  The last 5 months were frustrating when there was delay after delay in our travel to meet our son.  Even up to the very last night.

Our flight to China was incredibly easy.  Am had a child's meal which meant her food was infinitely better than the rest of ours and she raved about how nice the flight staff was.  And they really were, so she was right on there.  All the way to China it felt like a dream... felt like I was sitting in a car for 13 hours to go on a dream vacation.  Being in Beijing felt like visiting a big city and us and several other families kept commenting, even as we stood on the Great Wall of China that it didn't feel like we were in China.  It felt like we were on a really awesome vacation. 

I think that going to Beijing for the first 3 days of our adoption trip was one of the best decisions we could have made.  They keep you so ridiculously busy that there is no way you have a chance to stop and realize just how jetlagged you are.  You just run on adrenaline as you are shown the great history and culture of your child's birth country.  The people of China are so nice and the beauty of the country really overwhelmed me.  It saddened me to see a people and culture so beautiful, a family structure deep and strong, but yet know how unfree they are.  In the few people we talked to who spoke English that was there comment.  They liked the freedoms of America but they loved their country.  And to be honest, in a way, we fell in love with their country as well.

Throughout our time in Beijing I constantly wondered if we were really on this trip to bring home our son or if this was all just a ruse.  What if there had been a mistake and we really didn't have a child waiting for us?  What if they brought us the wrong one?  What if all of this was not the end of this journey and we went home empty handed? 

Flying to our son's city was quite possibly the best feeling ever.  Taking pictures of our first glimpse of Nanjing and knowing that within 24 hours he would be in our arms forever - that was amazing. 

The story could continue on forever, and I will finish this another day - but here we are at the climax of our story.  The next steps start our newest journey, marking our first few days with our beautiful baby.

Having been home 3 days now and feeling the effects of jetlag worse than ever, my heart is stuck in melancholy.  It is frustrating to say the least to be navigating these new challenges with exhaustion as my constant companion.  All I want is to spend every waking moment fostering attachment with my new son, but I have to be patient and wait.  I have to understand that his hesitation towards me, isn't me at all -  it is a history of hurts that I will never fully understand. 

I know now that suggesting that a childless family adopt is not appropriate because adoption is a calling, but I also now understand that adoption has always been a part of my calling.  We will press on, treasure on, live on, seek on - desperate to secure in our little one a foundation of love, truth, and hope so that his future might be bright and his heart full. 

And we're off!!

I doubt that I'll blog tomorrow, so I'm covering this base now.

We leave for China in less than 36 hours.  And guestimating that we're going to sleep in the next 2 hrs...  its like almost less than 24 hours.  Whoa.

Who ever thought this day would really come???  I was thinking the other day that we were so lucky to meet our son in September and be able to anticipate him coming so soon!  We were so lucky to recieve our LOA on December 29 and according to everything we'd been told it was at the most going to be 14 weeks from LOA.  That's 3.5 months.

We're picking up our son nearly 5 months after our LOA.  Whoa.  No wonder it feels like forever!  Normal time to travel isn't so long but Chinese New Year and another holiday in our province slowed down our processing times for major documents.  And then a change in our agencies schedules pushed us back 4 more weeks.  It has been nearly 8 months since we first saw our sweet boy's face!

8 months! That's like a whole pregnancy, and to think that we officially started this process 6 months before that!  And first began pursuing adoption 5 months before that...  for those of you that have been waiting with us - this is it.

Our bags are packed.  We have double/triple and tomorrow we will quadruple check everything.  And then we're off.  Leaving on a really big plane for a really long flight to a really big country we have never been to, to pick up and love on a little boy we have been dreaming about for months.

I want to think that I will blog, but lets face it - I probably won't.

So for tonight and the next few weeks, possibly months - bye!!

Pray for us, so many things - any and all that you can think of, pray that for us because wow - big trip, we need lots of prayers!!

Love you all and Thank you for your love and support!!!

Remembering and moving on.....

In all that is going on around us right now, it is hard for me to blaze past tomorrow without remembering what the day is for us.  It was on May 2, 2013 (just 1 month after our sweet Doron's birth) that I was suffering my 7th miscarriage.  Losing Isaiah was difficult, he was by far the longest pregnancy I had ever carried and still lost, and because of a tumultuous pregnancy we had spent the 5 weeks we had known of his existence getting to know his little body inside of me.

Isaiah Michael 9 weeks gestation

You can read about Isaiah's pregnancy here and his memorial service here.  I remember those few days between losing him and his service on May 4 as a sort of limbo I lived in.  It was the world of grief that I knew from previous losses that I would come out of but I didn't know when or how.  I just knew that somehow Jesus had always carried us through and he would only continue to do so.

Isaiah came as a surprise, halting and interupting our adoption plans.  We had seen him as an answer to prayer as to what we should do when we didn't know where to go. And when we lost him, it gave us more time to think and prepare.  We had made the decision to wait until Isaiah's due date before pursuing adoption any further.  I never wanted to replace a child I'd lost with a new child.  I wanted to be for sure that I had 100% grieved Isaiah's loss before we moved forward with bringing another child into our home.  

For months I would rock Zemirah to sleep and wonder when I would get to hold Isaiah and rock him to sleep.  I mourned him, long and hard.  His due date came and went and still I would have to remind myself that Isaiah was never coming to my arms this side of heaven.  It is strange the way grief can grip you.  It holds on to your heart and while slipping into the shadows it will alert that it is still there at the most inoportune times.  I would sit and wonder about the child we would adopt someday and in my mind say "When I can rock Isaiah..."  

As time passed eventually I stopped thinking about rocking Isaiah.  I stopped wondering what he would have looked like or smelled like.  I stopped picturing him in my arms.  By this time we were ready to move on with our adoption from China, and finally we are ready. 

It was a few months ago when I realized that when I rock Zemirah to sleep, or just sit in my rocking chair while she falls asleep by herself, I wonder what life will be like when Doron is in my arms.  I remember Isaiah but he is not who I yearn for anymore.  My heart has healed and I am ready and willing, excited, to bring home a different little boy, one who has his own dreams and passions, one uniquely created to be himself.  No strings attached.  No previous agenda.  Doron for who Doron is.  

Someday all my children will play together in heaven, our 8 babies who have gone before us and the 3 we have here on earth.  I can't imagine what it will be like, but it will be a beautiful day.  

Thankfulness

Can I say that the stress is starting to pile on?

Yesterday was an interesting day.  We had an appointment for our older daughter to discuss a developmental concern, what I thought would be an easy in/easy out appointment left me reeling and wishing I had brought my husband along!  What was supposed to be an end, ended up being a beginning - a very unexpected beginning.  On the way to this appointment I accidentally hit a car in the parking lot.  I haven't had an accident since we moved here nearly 10 years ago, also in a parking lot.  What was supposed to be tying up loose ends so we can move forward and head to China put more work on my plate.  Then there was a line at the drive-through for Chick fil A, I seriously waited for 20 minutes.  And then there was a major lemonade disaster while driving down the interestate.  Yesterday wasn't my day.  

But at the end of it I reminded myself of the things I am thankful for.  I am thankful that my husband has a great job that provides for our family.  I am thankful that we have good health insurance coverage and Am's needs are going to be taken care of.  I am thankful that we have car insurance and that I paid it (another long story) so we were covered when I hit someone else's vehicle.  I am thankful that Chick fil A suace really does taste so good.  I am thankful for healthy children.  The list goes on and on.

Last night before heading to bed I wrote down everything that was on my mind of things I need to complete before we head to China.  I literally had an 8 1/2x11 filled with to dos.  The list is a little overwhelming but today I was able to check off half of it.

It is all going to be okay.  God has everything under control.

We're heading to China in less than 2 weeks!  

20 days!!

20 days peeps.

twenty.

let that sink in.

The day goes quickly, but then it comes to this point in the evening when it crawls.  Nevermind that my bedroom is a mess and my big couch (yes, the big one) is full of laundry that needs to be folded.

Time is standing still right now.

I've made Doron's packing list, called Verizon and discovered that putting International calling on our phone plan is a better option than renting a cell phone in China, recieved 2 of my amazon purchases (more arriving tomorrow!), I've sorted out who is taking what carry ons, and I finished Doron's blanket!!

I'm excited.  And yet, IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?!?!

3 weeks from tonight we will be in China, totally exhausted yet probably unable to sleep.  3 weeks from tomorrow we'll be touring Beijing, 3 weeks from Saturday we'll go on another tour, 3 weeks from Sunday we'll fly to our province and 3 weeks from Monday we'll meet our son!!  oh my goodness.

I don't have super thought provoking words, or anything really because I'm at a complete lack of words.  All I have is a silly smile and a running list that keeps going through my head and never ends.  There is always something else to do, but sometimes I just am too excited to move.  And then I wonder, what's all this going to be like for Doron?  New faces, new places, new things everywhere, a new name - if he knew what was coming would he be excited?  He's waking up today to a day just like any other, most likely completely oblivious (other than the CD and photo album of us) that his world is changing.

Kind of makes me think of this video our girls watched when they were babies.  There was a man and a woman in it and at one point the smiled and waved at the screen.  The girls LOVED it!  Always calling the man "grandpa" and the girl "that lady" - but how would they feel if that "grandpa" and "that lady", even though the liked them on the tv, came over one day and took them away from everything they'd ever known.  I imagine that's a little how its going to be for Doron.  Except not only does he not really know us, we don't even speak his language.  (We have learned/are learning a tiny bit of Mandarin...tiny.)

As we come home there are going to be a lot of big transitions for all of us, and we must always remember that our little guy is taking all of this in from a completely different view point.  At his age he doesn't understand what he doesn't have and what he is getting, he will for awhile only understand what he has lost and been taken from.

Please pray for us.  For the next few weeks as we prepare to travel and then for the next several weeks and months and we transition into a family of 5.  We are all going to need lots of grace and patience during this time....

Love and bless you all -

Brie

Final stretch

Here we are in our final stretch to bring home Doron!

The last few weeks has been a flurry of activities and excitement and tomorrow marks 4 weeks until we meet our son!  I can't even imagine how fast these weeks will fly, yet crawl at the same time.  

I was blessed to be thrown a Blessingway a few weeks ago by my dear friends and colleages of the doula group I work with, Little Lambs.  It was such an amazing afternoon.  I was surrounded by my closest friends and the few family members that could make it and showered with blessings for our family, Doron, our trip and all the unknowns of the future.  It was an afternoon full of amazing food, good fellowship, lots of tears and lots of prayers.  I couldn't have imagined a more perfect celebration of his life past, present, and future.  

And now its weeks later (geesh, how did that happen?) and we are literally preparing to go to China!  I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that thought.  All that we've been working towards for this past year and 2 months is going to come to fruition in the next 4 weeks and our family will be united.  

I'm counting out luggage and carry-ons and measuring things.  I'm concerned about weights and too much or too little.  I notoriously overpack, unless i'm trying to conserve and then I notoriously underpack.  I've never yet found the perfect balance in 11 years of traveling to Arkansas 2-3 times a year.  I'm reminding myself that packing for international air travel is different than packing for road trips (which we are very accustomed to), and waiting till the night before is not adviseable.  I'm kicking my procrastination to the curb on this one and beginning my packing early so I can make sure I have everything we need....

Will you pray for us?  We're finishing up Am's final weeks of first grade, she is very excited that as of tomorrow she only has 2.5 weeks left of school and then we are finished and packing for China.  She's almost a second grader! These next few weeks are probably going to be even crazier than usual as we try and squeeze in a few more field trips, shop, pack, and finish up some last minute things.  I can't believe that this time is almost here, and yet - if things had gone our way, Doron would have been here for a week already.  Not our plans, but God's.  He has had things under control from the very beginning.  We are so grateful for all that he has done and is doing.  

Our journey really is only beginning when we meet Doron, getting there is just another piece of this puzzle.   

Perils of social media...

Today I got to spend some good times with some good friends.  I love when that happens.  As my friend and I chatted we remarked on just how difficult it is to have good friends.  Why is that?

A few months ago, in a desperate effort to build deeper relationships I sent this woman a facebook message asking if she wanted to be my friend.  It seriously felt wierd asking someone to be my friend, but then we actively began pursuing building a friendship.  We met for breakfast one Saturday a month becuase we are both busy moms and that's really all we could handle.  It took awhile but we kind of forced a friendship on ourselves.  We both needed it.

Turns out, we aren't the only ones feeling like we just don't have deep relationships like we used to.  As we wondered outloud about this afternoon we bounced around ideas.  We could cast the blame on busyness, or other people, or whatever - but I think one idea stood out more than others.

It was just a few years ago that we didn't all have Facebook.  When you saw a friend you'd have things to talk about because it hadn't already been seen on social media.  You'd have pictures to show, or stories to tell.  It feels like we have a lot of people we know, a little.  I have 547 friends on Facebook.  That's 547 people who already know most of what there is to know about me.  The only thing left to share is the deep down stuff.  But if I can't build a relationship by talking about the shallow things, I'll have a hard time opening up the deep things.

Another problem is that before we even get a chance to meet someone or hang out with them, or even if we've just met once or twice - we check out their Facebook page and determine who they are.  We go and "stalk" them, scouring their page of the last 2 years to see what they like or do.  We make judgements of whether or not we'd make good friends based on what they've put on the internet, and at the same time take away great opportunities for them to share about themselves and help us build those deeper relationships.  One of my dearest friends and I have very few things in common.  If you judged the two of us based on our Facebook pages you would find very little that matched in the way of interests and hobbies.  Other than being moms that love Jesus, we're very different, but we love each other deeply.  We encourage each other and lift one another up.  Facebook might not have matched us, but years of spending time together did.

Facebook isn't terrible.  It isn't bad.  It was created to connect people, not keep them from connecting.  But I wonder if sharing everything, all the time is hurting our connections more than helping them.

We kind of know a lot of people, but who do we really know?

Thoughts?

FULLY FUNDED and the joy of the Lord

The only reason I'm still up and blogging right now is because I told Z she had to go to sleep.  Which means that I didn't rock her to sleep and lay her in bed and quietly sneak out for the first time in 2 (almost 3) years.  She rolled over and pretended to go to sleep but my guess is that in about 15 minutes Crazy Legs (as I often times call her at night since those legs never seem to stop moving) will probably be up and wandering around soon.  That gives me 15 minutes to shoot out our latest adoption update and a few other random thoughts that have been circling my mind lately.

Adoption News:

The biggest news of all is that our adoption is FULLY FUNDED!!!!!!  Last year when we started this process we had full confidence that God was going to provide every single cent we needed for our adoption.  Along the way he has provided everything we needed exactly when we needed it.  But here at the end, it has seemed overwhelming to learn how to trust God and let go of our security net.  Two weeks ago we purchased our airline tickets on our credit card.  We had part of the funds to cover them, not all.  Over the weekend we received a donation to cover our airline tickets and most of our travel expenses.  Today we were able to cover our in-country expenses.  God is never slow, he is always on time. 

As we have gone through this process we have been met along the way by friends and family who have been so incredibly generous.  Some of you with your time, some of you with your abilities, some of you with your finances.  It has not ceased to amaze me in these past months just how much love we are surrounded by. We are not alone, we have a huge village supporting us. 

Winter Jam concert is coming up on Sunday evening, and although we won't be going I love thinking about the role a Winter Jam concert played in our story.  It was about 5 years ago that my husband went to a Winter Jam concert and came home with a sponsor child for our family.  He said that he just knew it was what we were supposed to do.  This concert introduced us to a great agency and our first sponsor child who has since graduated from sponsorship but who we think of and pray for often.  The next child assigned to us was a little boy from China, because of his sponsorship our eyes were opened to Foster Care in China and also the possibility of adopting from China someday.  Here we are, having planned our trip to China to go and pick up our little boy.  He isn't the little boy we sponsored for awhile but he is a little boy living in a foster care family in China.  As I was thinking about this I thought about his foster family and how much they mean to us.  Then I wondered, is there a family sponsoring our son?  So many people working together to care for our son.  I am so grateful for all of them, pouring our their love on him. 

It is strange to see how we grow and change and develop as we age.  I know I'm not even close to nearing the end of this growing and changing... it will continue as long as I continue.  Sometimes in the midst of all that is going on in our lives I have to remind myself to not be weighed down by all the responsibilities I have on me.  The last few weeks have been more stressful than usual.  It has seemed overwhelming at times.  Our house has not stayed "together", and I have found myself dwelling on the frustrating and the overwhelming. 

It has felt at times like the weight of years of loss and pain, and then having a second baby and post partum depression, and then heading into all that goes into preparing to adopt - at times I felt like I've lost my fun.  I have a good friend who is always fun.  The joy of the Lord is in her, and she lives a life of faithfulness to him.  Even when she is overwhelmed or burdened, or sick, or in a difficult circumstance - she is joyful, encouraging, and full of life.  I have thought, momentarily and at times, that if only she were still here (in Iowa) I would be fun again.  But I have to remember where my joy comes from; not from a friend who clings to the promises of God. No, her joy and my joy have to come from God; from clinging to his promises myself. 

I don't want to be old and crochety (you can be crochety at 30).  I want to be full of life, vibrant, radiating Holy Spirit and him living in me. 

Incredibly so, I have come to the end of this and our little Z is still in her own bed!  After a week of fitful nights, I may be able to sleep all night tonight!  Good night my friends, and may God bless you and give you joy.

Love,
Brie

Travel Approval and Plane Tickets!

So it's here!

Our Travel Approval arrived via FedEx this morning!  It happened like this.  For some reason Zemirah insisted on being worn on my back while I made breakfast this morning.  So I'm walking around the kitchen with a 35+lb toddler on my back and my hair pulled off to the side so she wouldn't play with it.  But then she pulls the tiny hairs on my neck and it really hurts.  I also happen to have a pimple on my neck and she kept telling me she didn't like it.  So there was much chatter and pulling and ow-ing and Am walks into the kitchen and says "here mom."  I look down and see this giant thing that looks like a graphing calculater and she's holding a pen.  "What's This?" I say.  "Where did you get this???"  My mind is spinning as to how she would have gotten a hold of one of Aaron's graphing calculators from college.  And she replies "The man at the door gave it to me.  Supposed to sign it."  "What?! THE MAN AT THE DOOR!?!?!"  Realization dawns..."oooohhhhh!  FedEx!  You can't sign this!" She counters with "No, he said YOU have to sign it!"  So a frazzled mom showed up at the door.  I relayed the story while I quickly signed and it gave him a good laugh.  Hopefully it made up for how much time he wasted by sitting at my door waiting for a 7 year old to come back with his signy thing.

Travel Approval is literally the LAST step to purchasing tickets to China!  And we did that today also!  We are so incredibly excited!

In my last post I mentioned how devastating it was to find out we would not be traveling in April.  Strangely things have turned out that it is good we can't travel then.  On Monday our damaged sewer line reminded us that it needs to be repaired, and it seems that repair will happen as soon as the ground is thawed, which may be in about 2 weeks.   On Tuesday my darling husband was diagnosed with mono, it seems the poor guy has to get worse before he gets better.  So, things are working out.

We didn't want to have to disrupt our lives for the sewer repair just after bringing Doron home, and we never could have predicted Aaron getting sick.  We are thankful we have time to get our house in order and let Aaron heal before leaving for China.

We are still fundraising for our trip (Which may be more costly than we originally anticipated) so if you know anyone who might like to help us get to China, you can send them to our puzzle fundraiser on Facebook by clicking here!  $10 sponsors 1 puzzle piece that will have your name or whatever you'd like written on the back.  You are welcome to sponsor as many pieces as you'd like.

Emotions, Dates, and Other Thoughts

I'd like you to know that this is likely to be the most scattered blog post I've ever written.  There, you've been warned - read on at your own risk.  (and for my grammar friends, please ignore my incorrect usage of commas... and other major errors.  For some reason I never could grasp the whole comma thing)

It is rare that I get coffee, even more rare that I get one at 9pm, so this is likely to only exacerbate the problem of scatterdness.

I often joke, or possibly try to joke, that I don't have much emotion, but infact I think the truth is that I have more emotion than I know how to handle, so I hold my emotions at arms length.  I feel them, inside, but it is hard to let them out.  It is hard for me to show people how I am really feeling inside.  I hope you don't think I mean that I am fake, I mean that sometimes I can't even understand or put into words all that I am feeling, or that my words seem painfully inadequate, or that I want to have tears and I can't seem to find them in me.  I see people with emotion all around me and I feel it, I just have a hard time showing it.

*******

This week has been full of emotions (and it isn't even over yet!)  Some of the emotions I can't even describe but it was a difficult week.  When we began our adoption process our mind couldn't concieve bringing home a child within 18 months of starting the process.  It just wasn't likely.  In January after recieving our LOA it became a possibility (ever so slight) that we would be able to travel in March, but most likely in April.  Because of circumstances beyond anyone's control - we found out on Tuesday that our trip is now pushed back to May.  This news felt like a sucker punch.  It fell on an already difficult day that was only matched by the ice storm that ripped through our area.  Today we recieved our travel confirmation!  The trip is set and scheduled and we will be leaving mid-May to bring home our son!  The news hits me with two major emotions at the same time, frustration because it was supposed to be April, and excitement that our trip is confirmed.  We're going in May!  We are so incredibly excited! But oh how our arms ache to hold our little boy.

********

Early in our adoption process I sat at the table sorting out files and documents and a whole assortment of paperwork.  I am not even sure if we had even decided we would adopt from China yet.  I remember sitting across from Aaron and looking up and saying "We need an adoption doula."  I was so overwhelmed, I didn't even know where to start.

As a Birth Doula one of my roles is to help expectant parents navigate through their pregnancy as well as their labor and delivery.  I work prenatally with clients to practice tools for dealing with the pain of labor, I provide resources to help them make educated and informed decisions during pregnancy and labor, and we come up with a birth plan so they can be prepared for their labor and delivery and the questions that often come up.   And as a childbirth educator I make sure my clients are educated on what happens during pregnancy, labor, and delivery.  I help establish bonds with them so that the birth partner feels included as well.  I give the birth partner important tools to help him feel involved in the pregnancy, labor and birth.  

I often joke that I relate most things in life to childbirth - and it is so true.  I actually saw the face of the laboring woman in the effort it took my husband to put together his basketball hoop.  I'm nuts when it comes to childbirth.  (Consequently, my husband now views much of life the same way too.  I have apparently rubbed off on him.  When we were hiking last fall I came out from a crevice between two rocks to have my husband say "that totally looks like a uterus and birth canal - let me take your picture coming out of it!".... I have ruined him for life).   *If you are reading this for the first time just getting to know me, please don't think I am strange or that I will talk to you about uterus' or show you pictures of babies being born... I mean, I totally would if we were in class together, but I restrain myself for the general public*  - also, I am very tired right now, so my filter is pretty much gone.

Back to my original thought process -

I have been thinking lately about how this adoption process has felt like the longest pregnancy of my life.  How our agency has been our doula, the CCCWA our care provider, and China our hospital.  While in a pregnancy you can choose your care provider (and in some respects so have we), we took great great care in choosing our doula.  We researched, we asked questions, we asked more questions, we hired one and fired one (in a nice way), and we found one we love.

I am so thankful for our agency, they have held our hand and walked us through this process in such an incredible way.  Just like in pregnancy, they can't make all of our decisions for us.  They can't do all the hard work (although to be honest, they do a lot more hard work for us than a doula can for her childbirth clients...).  But they have been our advocate.  They have provided resources and information.  Help when we needed it. They are amazing.

******

In following with the theme of equating our adoption process to pregnancy, labor and birth...

In pregnancy you are given a due date, and your baby is born somewhere around that due date.  You get your hopes up and excited and your due date comes and more often than not, baby doesn't.  Moms are frustrated, they're tired, they have these crazy hormones racing through their body as their body prepares to labor and the waiting is just so hard.  Your expectations were set.  You thought baby was coming.

That's kind of how I feel right now.  I knew baby coming early (March) wasn't likely - but I held out a glimmer of hope.  I knew baby coming on time (April) was probable - but I kept a corner of my heart protected in case I was wrong.  And today we got the official news, baby is coming late (May), very late in my opinion.  My heart desperately wanted March or April.

The difference though, and this is what makes it the hardest.  When you're pregnant and waiting for baby, you're still holding your baby.  My arms are empty while we wait.  And that makes me very sad.  Each day he is away is one more day that he grows and his face changes, his personality changes, and we're missing it.

I look at Z and I can see how every day she changes a little bit more and what am I missing?  I know that he is loved and cared for, but I miss him.

******

A few posts back (which might be awhile since I haven't been able to post much lately) I throughout the question of why we would adopt when we can't afford it.

It was a hard question to ask because I feel like it deserves an answer.  A few people responded quite encouragingly to us, reminding us of the call God put on our hearts and our lives to adopt.

And I can't find an answer better than that one.  Years ago, before I ever knew that having babies would be difficult for us, my heart was drawn to adoption.  Before I ever met Aaron, I wanted it to be apart of my story.  When Aaron and I were married we always bounced around the idea of adopting a child or children someday.  We didn't even at that time understand what that would look like, or mean, we just knew we wanted to.  Amazing how God can use a little "want to".

I feel the answer to the question is as simple as that.  We know that God has already provided all that we need to bring home our son.  We just haven't seen it yet.  When he opened our eyes and our hearts to be willing, he provided.

Why are we adopting when we aren't incredibly wealthy people?  Because we want to.  Because God called us to.  Because our hearts are forever attached to a little boy desperate for a forever family.  We are his family.  That's the answer.

Will we adopt again? I don't know.  It is hard to think of anything past bringing home Doron right now.  It is hard for us to have any idea what God has for us, because none of our journey has been what we would have pictured it to be.

My greatest fear is that people will think we chose adoption because having biological children is too difficult for us.  No, that's not it.  There are days and moments where I might have felt that that was it - that adoption was easier than experiencing loss over and over again - but deep down, that is not the reason we chose to adopt.

We have chosen adoption because this is what God called us to do.  This is his heart, and he has made it ours too.

******

I went to see The Dropbox movie tonight.  I was gripped throughout the whole film.  I felt like I couldn't move, my heart just overwhelmed.  In it was a woman that I admire.  It took me by surprise really, I didn't know she would be in the movie.  Last summer I opened a letter and in it was a picture of this woman holding a little boy, and my heart did a little flip flop.  I looked up and a woman in her mid-60's rode past me on a bicycle.  And I thought 'who am I going to be when I'm that age?'  I was holding in my hand a photo of a woman who has given her life to help the orphans, and saw before me the image of what I thought I wanted for my retired life; to ride my bike through my small town, to worry about my garden, my friends, and my grandchildren.  There is nothing wrong with that idea, but what I really want is to be making a difference in the lives of children who have no one else.

God has given me such a gift with Amariss, Zemirah, and Doron.  I cannnot imagine not sharing the love he has given with so many more children.

*****

If you stuck through this post until the end, wow, you amaze me.  I wanted to split it up into more than one post, but I am fairly certain (based on my track record) it's going to be awhile before I can put another post together.  Maybe I'll surprise myself, but I haven't been very consistent.

As you can see I have a lot of emotion running through me right now.  And so much more that I just can't share right now.

Thank you for praying for our family, for being a part of our journey.

God bless,

Brie