The first two nights after Doron joined our family bedtime was a piece of cake. In every way; it was easy, it was sweet, it was enjoyable. About the third night though Doron didn't want me anymore. At first when it came to bedtime he would lay his head on my chest and full out lay on top of me, with his tiny little body.
On night three, he didn't want to be anywhere near me. Since then, Doron has preferred Daddy. And by preferred, I mean - he cries like the worst is happening all over again unless Daddy is there to lay him down for naps or bedtime and be there when he wakes up from either. Even this afternoon when Doron woke up from his nap, I went in to get him and pick him up. He cried and cried and cried, huge tears, lots of snot - CRYING; knowing that Daddy is headed back to work this week and that we are going to have to figure this thing out I tried to distract him with his favorite snack. Nothing.. the tears would not stop coming. Only after going outside and getting Daddy, and being held by Daddy did the crying stop and he ate the snack I was still holding.
Doron loves Daddy. No doubt about that. And really, I have no doubt that he loves me too, but for some reason when it comes to sleeping he doesn't trust anyone like he trusts Daddy. And that's ok, because that's what he needs right now.
Tonight was different though. For some reason when we were putting Z down to bed, Doron got really jealous of her snuggling me. Doron wanted Mama. Since Daddy has only put Z to bed once since we got home from China, I picked up Doron and we cheerfully waved goodbye to everyone and headed downstairs to put Doron to bed.
He was so calm. I've never seen him so calm at bedtime. But I sang to him softly all my bedtime songs, twice. And then we laid down in bed together, like we did the first night we had him. I took off my glasses and he touched my face and he called me Nai Nai. It's a small glimpse into his little mind, what all of this must feel like to him.
His Nai Nai is his foster mom. At 18 months old our son was placed in a foster home for 7 months while we waited to be able to travel and get him. During this time he bonded really well with his foster mom, I imagine she must have sang to him quite a lot. She loved him very much. Nai Nai has long straight hair, similar to mine and sometimes I wonder if I was too similar to her for awhile. That he had to learn to separate her and I. Tonight, with my glasses off and half asleep he thought I was Nai Nai and he fell asleep peacefully in my arms.
Our little baby has endured quite a lot in his short life. It can be hard to understand all that our son has gone through because in all my life I haven't suffered the loss that he has. I hope and pray that as he grows, we are able to help him fully process and understand his past, his present, and his future. I pray that God gives him peace as he works out all that he endured. I know it will be a lifelong journey for him to mourn what was and what will never be, and accept what is and all that can be.
Goodnight friends.
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