And round and round we go

**I wrote this post yesterday, and I will add that I am feeling much better today.  Not so down and worn out by the hormones.  I definitely have a much better perspective today - but these were yesterday's thoughts, and sometimes I do really feel them.**

It's cycle day 2 here and I forgot what this was like.  My last actual period was in January, all other since bleeding has been a subchorionic hemorrhage or my miscarriage.

Believe it or not, I was actually looking forward to this cycle.  For the first time since purchasing it, I get to use my Diva Cup.  Not sure what a Diva Cup is?  Click the link - and then cringe... or if you don't want to know, just stay in the dark.

I was not prepared, however, for the HORMONES.  Oh.my.goodness.  The last week has been a sugar eating disaster, as I try to lead my family towards healthy eating, and then sneak 15 mini snickers after everyone has gone to bed.   Or eat 3 smores at the cookout, or down just 1 more cherry coke.  Yes, my running has taken a significant hit from all the sugar.

This also happens to be the week that our 1 year old has transitioned out of our bed.  The transition has gone so smoothly, so I can't complain - however, she still wakes up to nurse twice a night.  Only now, instead of whipping up my shirt for easy and convenient feeding... I must trudge all the way upstairs.  And I do mean, trudge.

However, she is sleeping better and longer - and my husbands alarm clock no longer wakes her up at 6 am every morning.  Couldn't be happier about that.

Today, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Which is sad really, we slept on new clean sheets last night and they were so soft, I should have woken up happier.

But the cramps, the fatigue, the irritability, everything that accompany's this monthly event is just wearing me down.

On top of everything else, having my period - is just a reminder of everything that was and should be and now isn't.  At least, isn't here.  Isaiah is, he very much so, is.  He just is somewhere else - with Jesus.  With 6 other beautiful babies I have not yet met.  And I'm down because of that.

Down because I wish I was pregnant, down because I wish I was sleeping in my bed on this rainy day, or cuddled up on the couch watching a movie, or not wondering how in the world I'm going to clean my house before this weekend.

Probably mostly down, because when you're on your period - silver linings are very hard to see.  I'm too tired to think clearly and see the other side; that next week I'll feel better.  I won't be tired, the sun will be shining and it will *hopefully* be warm, and my memories and heartaches will find their place in my heart, to be moments of reflection and not hours of sadness.

Don't think I'm not happy.  I love snuggling with my girls on these days, after reading a sad story I draw them close to me, take deep breaths of their sweet scents and sometimes stinky breath and I know very deeply that I treasure them.  That I don't take my girls for granted.  That when Isaiah is not here, and when things seem so frustrating and bleak.  When I look around and have no one close that really understands it all, I know that I have my sweet girls and one day, not too far awa,y if I think in a heavenly perspective, one day - I will draw in the sweet scent of not just 2 babies, but 9.

9.  That number makes my heartache.  I've been pregnant 9 times.

If I ever get pregnant again the question I will be asked at every appointment will be "Which pregnancy is this?"  10. "And how many live children?" 2.

Yes. That will be me.